Disclaimer: not mine, wont ever be, puttin' em back.

Author's Notes: I thank lisa, she makes me.

Story Notes:

"I was blind but oh how you could see, you saw the beauty in every thing, everything and me"~ sweet misery Michelle Branch

The ground was covered in snow, making the world white, forgetful of the sins from the year. So pure as the world was his heart was black, ash from the flame that burned its way through some time ago. Love is obsolete, who needs love when you have logic?

He was convinced this was it, this baron frozen land was not only where he belonged but in a way it owned him. He couldn't live anywhere else, and even his companion abandoned him. Dief gave into the cold a long time ago, he went off and before Fraser knew that he was gone. Dogs wont die with some one there, they always leave, as if to say, for this adventure they must embark alone.

Ray had left him a while ago also, he wasn't dead, he just needed to go home. He offered to take Fraser with him but his home was here.

Death was the next thing for him. He had nothing to live for now, he just waited. Waited for that one day that one criminal got the best of him. He knew that's how he would die, that's how his father died.

Pain was a constant now, there never needed to be a reason for it, it just kept hurting. He drank constantly, forgot to shave most days, and didn't know how to look himself in the mirror anymore. He wasn't a man anymore; he was just a symbol now. Fighting for truth justice and the Canadian way. He was all that but he couldn't tell you his favorite color anymore; he forgot he ever had one.

2
"It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time." ~ Michelle Branch

Innusiq got of the light aircraft and looked around the place. He tried to get away from this place, spent his whole life at it. He came back for family, or a sort of family. His past anger behind him. He almost forgot why he and Benton hadn't spoken in 6 years. The image passed through his head and it took him a moment to get that horrible image out.

"Sir, where would you like your bags?"

"Simon, do you ever stop with the 'Sir'?"

"I guess. Could you please explain why we had to come up here? Do you enjoy waving at Russians?"

"No, that's why I left this god forsaken place. Now be a good personal assistant and get my bags."

The ride into town was quiet enough. Simon interjected once or twice but other than that it was all right. He would never tell Simon but he really did enjoy his company, and he would need it on a trip like this. He heard it from one of Benton's co-workers, and the thought of Fraser wanting to die had hurt him and comforted him at the same time.

"So who did you come up here to see Si-... I mean Mr. Guy."

"Family. I want you to always remember this trip Simon, and remember that you too may have to some day make this same trip."

"What's so special about this trip?"

"It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do."

"Why is this trip so hard?"

"Because I have to talk a friend out of doing something.... Even thought some part of me wants him to go through with it."

3
"Please let me forget all those sweet smiles, all of the passion, all of the heat the peace the pain, all those blue skies where your words were my freedom." ~ Jewel

Fraser went to his jeep and started the engine; he looked in the rear view mirror and saw them. One was defiantly Innusiq, and the other he did not know.

"What are you waiting for, you gonna drive us all home, I gotta tell you I am ready to see your new place."

"Why are you here?"

"Can't I say hi to an old friend?"

"But you don't want to be my friend."

"Can you blame me?"

"No."

They stared at each other for a while then Fraser drove them to his cabin.

"I wonder who that could be?" he said aloud.

"Its June."

Fraser's eyes went wide and he became shaky.

"I ... I cant go in there."

"Its your house."

"I ..."

"SHE wants to talk to you. Go, if you don't you'll have to face me."

Not knowing who was worse to face he went into the cabin and watched quietly as June watched him enter.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" She pointed to the filth he left around the cabin.

"I deserve it."

"No, you don't."

"How could you say that? You of all people... You should hate me."

"I don't.... I should ... I don't."

She looked down and tried to concentrate on what to say next. He was right, the logical bastard always was. But more importantly she was right.

"You know I am going to go with Innusiq, like a trip around the world. We are gonna make a stop in Chicago. You wanna join us?"

"I cant."

"Why?"

"How could you ever forgive me?"

"You were drunk."

"I am a police officer, I of all people know that is no excuse."

"You were infatuated with me. You got drunk and all those little voices inside your head went away. You regret it. So lets all move on. You are not alone. You will never be alone, because I am here. And no matter how hard you try to get rid of me I will still be here. I know who you are and you are not this.... You don't need the tundra you need your friends. Come to Chicago with us."

"How could you ever forgive me?"

"You know I will never forgive you if you sit here and wait to die."

He thought about it for a while and decided that she was right. He wasn't alone and he was using the tundra as an excuse. He was broken up inside and he didn't want anyone see him like this. Maybe it was time to go speak to someone about it.

4

"I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It But I'm Gonna Set It Straight This Watergate But I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In This Place Because I Feel Disgrace Because You're All In My Face But Make No Mistakes And Switch Up My Channel I'm Buddy Rich When I Fly Off The Handle What Could It Be, It's A Mirage
You're Scheming On A Thing - That's Sabotage"

Fraser woke up and looked around the cabin, it was all a dream. June had never been over there, and Innusiq was sleeping in his bed while the young man was sleeping on the couch. He got up to make a pot of coffee and waited as Innusiq got up.

"Morning Fraser."

"Good morning. So who is that?"

"Oh, he's my personal assistant. Name is Simon, he is a good kid."

"Why did you come here Innusiq?"

"To stop you from killing yourself. Although you know I am finding it very tempting to just let you go through with it."

"I am sorry you know."

"Yeah, I know you're sorry. But June doesn't. But I aint no blushing school girl, well not anymore, I know that isn't the reason you are up here waiting for death like it were one of those dates that just wont come out of the bathroom. 'I need to put my face on.' Like there is usually just a black indentation where her face should be when she doesn't have makeup on. So what did they do to you in Chicago?"

"I think I was in love."

"Oh? And some how that was torture?"

"She was my superior."

"But that isn't it, is it?"

"Well I did make a fool of myself in front of her."

"Good."

"Good?"

"Don't think that just because I came up here all of the bad blood is gone between us."

Why would Innusiq comfort him while he still hated him?

"So how did you make a fool of yourself?"

"Well.... I practically offered myself to her. And she ... turned me down."

"So what was this babe like?"

"I will pretend I didn't hear the word 'babe' come out of your mouth."

"Thank you kindly."

Benton thought for a while. What did he admire about her?

"She was independent. Strong. I didn't have to be the best at what I did. She always challenged my decisions..."

"She sounds like a good chess partner. What was it about her that got you attracted to her?"

Fraser mumbled incoherently.

"What was that?"

"I liked the way she smelled."

"Oh, well then it must be love. You know I did get news that inspector Thatcher returned to Chicago, just to change the conversation completely for no reason. You know my business is moving to Chicago, you think you might want to go with me?"

5

"I know she loves you and I can't interfere So I'll just have to sit back and watch my world disappear"~ Michelle Branch

"So your back constable."

"As are you sir."

"As am I. Dismissed."

Later that day Fraser got a call.

"Constabull? Fraize...."

"Constable Benton Fraser."

"Oh, ok. Well Illinois state law requires that you register with us. Is it my understanding that the last time you lived here you didn't register?"

"I didn't know I needed to."

"You pleaded no contest, didn't you?"

"Yes, but the charges were dropped by the victim. I didn't even serve jail time."

"The victim can drop the charges but that doesn't mean that the government has to. I will give you the benefit of the doubt; you are an officer after all. I'll call Canada and clear this up with them."

"Thank you kindly ma'am."

He hung up the phone. From the hallway Thatcher looked down at the files and went back to her office. She picked up the phone and called Ottawa.

"I want Constable Fraser's criminal record."

6
"On the hills of fire the darkest hour
I was dreaming of my true love's pyre
Who will bring a light to stoke the fire Fear not for you're still breathing
On a winter's day" ~ Sarah McLachlan "Ben's song"

"Hello."

"Hello, Is this June Guy?"

"Yes, who is calling?"

"My name is Inspector Meg Thatcher."

"Hey your name is the same as-"

"Yes, I know. I have to ask you something about one of my subordinates."

"I don't know how I could help you."

"Do you know Constable Benton Fraser?"

"Yes, he and I were friends. Actually he was closer to my brother than to me."

"It says here that ... well I don't know how to put this but were you sexually assaulted by constable Fraser?"

"What!!! Of course not!!"

Inspector Thatcher heard the phone slam down.

"Hey Inny." June hugged her brother. "I know this sounds weird but I need to talk to Benton. We really should clear the air."

"Are you gonna tell him about your condition?"

She shook her head; that was the last thing he needed to know. "Could we go now?"

"But you just got here."

"I know but there is something I have to do."

The drive to Fraser's apartment was silent, she didn't know who was more uncomfortable, her or her brother. She knew that he thought she was crazy for forgiving Benton, but the truth was that forgiveness was not on her agenda.

She knocked and her heart sped faster than a train. Her heart stopped when the door opened and she saw him. "Hello Benton. Can I come in?"

"Of course you can."

"I just have to tell you something."

"Whatever you have to say, I'll listen."

She sat at his small table and thought on what she should say. How could she tell him what she needed to say?

"Benton, about the last night we saw each other,"

"I'm sorry."

"Excuse me?"

"I said I was sorry. Isn't that why you came here? For an apology?"

She put her head in her hands, feeling very ashamed.

"Benton, I didn't come here for you to apologize. I came here to tell you the truth. You didn't... You weren't the one... It was my entire fault. You see, I came onto you. The only time I did ask for you to stop is when Inny came in the room."

Benton was shocked, he hadn't remembered much from the incident but what she said couldn't be true.

"You are trying to make me feel better. You don't want me to feel guilty, but you see I should feel guilty."

"Benton Fraser. If you had done what you think you did would any woman try to forgive you let alone not make you feel guilty about it? I came here to apologize to you in hopes that you could forgive me for not telling the truth."

"Why have you taken so long to say something? Why couldn't you say something before?"

"I was busy."

"Too busy to talk to me? You know how guilty I have felt? I don't believe you. I cant. You know me too well to ever stop from telling me the truth."

"I did Benton. You don't know where I have been for the past 6 years. That night... I knew I had to leave. We both got a little tipsy and well...it happened. I saw you, and you finally saw me."

"So where have you been?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not? Don't you think you owe me that?"

She got up and went towards the door, turning she looked at him for what she thought would be the last time.

"No, Ben. You deserve so much more. I have to go now."

He stops her at the door and shuts it. Putting his body between her and the door.

"I'll never deserve you?"

"You deserve Meg Thatcher. Go Benton; go have a life with her. Have kids, and grow old. Love her more than you ever could me. That's what you deserve. Now leave me be."

She pushed her way through to the hallway and cried all the way back to the airport.

7

"Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,"

"So what do you think constable?"

"I think that your office is lovely. It really matches your... desk."

"Is every thing alright Fraser?"

"Of course Sir. I was wondering though, do you like (ahem) coffee?"

"Yes, why?"

"I was wondering if you would like some, after dinner that is. I mean you can't drink coffee on an empty stomach."

"I would like that. Thank you."

"Well we heard you had a big trip, to Chicago. How was it?"

"I hated every second of it. Are we really going to do the small talk or are we going to get down to business?"

"Ok, I understand June. Just hop up onto the examination table. We'll see how you are reacting to the new chemo. You know you put yourself at great risk when you stress yourself too much. That trip could have hurt you more than you know."

"I am gonna die anyway, what difference dose it make?"

"Well, do you want to die 3 months from now, or 30 years?"

"The only thing that is gonna make me live for 30 more years is a miracle."

"Well what are you waiting for, start praying."

"What would I have to live for?"

"Yourself, your brother. Life is the best gift god could give anyone. Why not live for the sake of living. You are never gonna make it if you don't want to live."

"Oh, right. Kelly, 3-year-old Kelly didn't want to live? Like it would have made any difference."

"She fought, she fought for most of her life, and Her body was tired."

"So is mine."

8
"I'd rather see the world from another angle We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way" ~ Jewel

"God, I thought I would never see the day when you and the Ice queen were together, or maybe I hoped."

"You hoped?"

"Yeah, for your sake. She does have some Stell qualities about her you know."

"Ray, its not like that. She even wants kids."

"Oh right, cause that's the ONLY reason me an' Stell got divorced."

"We are just involved Ray. We aren't married yet. So you want to come to dinner with us?"

"Naw, I aint inta the 3rd wheel thing. Anyway the woman I love asked me to accompany her to a hospital. Seems Davie got inta an accident at work. Davie is convinced it wasn't a accident."

"Will you tell Eloise hello for me?"

"Of course."

Eloise and Ray walked down the long narrow hallway to Davie's room. On the way a woman tripped. As Eloise helped her up she felt something flow through her, something more powerful than she ever felt before. She was left puzzled and startled.

"Are you ok June? We heard that you fell in the hall."

"God, will you people relax, I am not glass."

"Close enough. Ok, time for you to take some tests."

"Where is my number 2 pencil?"

"Not that kind. Now take off you clothes."

"Hey, I don't think I like your 'tests'. Don't you think we should get to know each other better?"

"Come on we need to see how your body is reacting to the Chemo."

She hopped onto the x-ray table.

"Did we do this right?" The doctor looked over to the nurse.

"Yes. Why do you ask, have the cancer cells increased rapidly?"

"No, just the opposite."

"What do you mean? It reduced rapidly?"

"No, if these tests were done correctly she has no more cancer cells. It looks like the cancer was never there."

"I will survive without you.......And if you ever think about me just know that I'll be alright." ~ Ace of Base

An entire month without any nurses, doctors, or tests. She felt renewed, like she was able to come back for a second life. She heard it from Inny that Ben was with that commander lady of his and although she did want to be with him she knew it would be better this way. The bookstore was her new home away from home; she went there more for the people in the bookstore than the books themselves. These people were idealistic, even if the world and the reality of that world were far from reach for them; they still acted as though there was a fire set underneath them.

*
For the past two weeks a blonde shy man has been coming in the store and watching us talk. I don't know if he stares at me because he is totally disgusted with me or he thinks my opinions are horseshit. He is really cute thought ... I do not have a crush on him... I just think he is attractive. The fact that I want to go ask him how he keeps it standing up and then say, 'no, I mean your hair.' Means nothing. For the first time in a long time I feel alive and I think it's all thanks to the blonde. I keep wondering what he does for a living, what kind of life he leads. He is my very own mystery man.

#10
"But lately something has changed, it aint hard to describe. Jesses got himself a girl and I want to make her mine." ~ Rick Springfield

"Hey" My mystery man finally approaches me.

"Hey."

"Are... I mean your Inuit right?"

"Yeah, I am impressed. You know most ask if I am Eskimo or not."

"Oh well that's derogatory, and I would never say anythin' like that."

"So you like turtles?"

"Wow, how did you know that? Cause I love turtles. You like turtles and you just knew I do too huh?"

"Umm.." I pointed down to the book on turtles in his hand. He looks down and smiles from ear to ear. He has this automatic energy that just seems to generate the room.

"You should warn me the next time I'm gonna make a fool a myself."

"Next time." I smile then turn away. He follows me outside the store and calls after me.

"So we are both in agreement that there could be a next time."

"Maybe." I say and he stands in front of me with that brilliant smile again.

"So this next time would you like to go eat with me? We could get Chinese."

"How do I know I can trust you to be there? Or if you aren't some type of stalker?"

Its then he flashes his badge, maybe he is trying to impress me. I know its real, so I don't doubt he is an officer.

"What if you're a dirty cop?"

"Na, cant be, showered this morning."

Oh god, I cant believe I am laughing at that stupid joke, But he is soo cute. Ok, I can't seem excited about this date.

"So what's your name?"

"Ray. And yours is...?"

"June."

"Of course it is, you gotta have a pretty name if you're as pretty as you. Are you free Friday night, around seven?"

I bite my lip and pretend to think about it. "Nope, I have plans with you."

"Greatness." I take his hand and write my phone number down. We walk in opposite directions down the street and I cant help but put a little skip in my step as I walk home.

#11

"She is loving him with that body I just know it." ~ Rick Springfield

"So who is this new guy?"

"Well his name is Ray, he loves turtles and Chinese food, and he has a classic car."

She helped change the sheets in the children's cancer unit as she talked to her friend.

"What kinda car is it?"

"GTO."

"Ohh girl I don't know if dating a guy with a classic car is smart. You know they say a guy with a classic car soon enough wants to spend more time in it than in you."

"Mary! Geeze. He is not like that. The only reason he loves it so much is because him and his father worked on it. It was the last car they worked on before he became a police officer."

"Is he one of those meter maids?"

"God no, he's a detective." She said proudly.

"Oh my god girl, you have a police fetish. First the Mountie now the detective."

"I do not. I didn't know he was an officer until after he asked me out."

"And now you and his parents are going to meet?"

"Yup. Well its thanksgiving and he invited me to meet his parents and his best friend at dinner. We have been seeing each other for three months now so I think Inny will be fine with not having me over this thanksgiving."

"What's his friends name?"

"Benjamin I think. Anyway it should be fun."

"Speaking of fun, have you?"

"Mary!! That is none of your business. I just hope nothing goes wrong during dinner."

"Hello I am Stanley's mother, and this is his father Damien. Damien this is Stanley's girlfriend June."

"Hello Mr. And Mrs. Kowalski."

"What do you do June?"

"I am an RN."

"Oh I wondered what Stanley meant when he said you spent years in the hospital."

"Mum!"

"Actually Mrs. Kowalski I was a patient. I had cancer."

The room grew silent and uncomfortable.

"Its all gone now, my doctors call it a miracle. I wasn't supposed to last Easter, I am glad I could be here with all of you for thanksgiving."

Ray smiled, not a brilliant smile, a knowing one.

"Well then, I will just have to give you more food then, to build up your strength."

She hurried off to the kitchen before June could disagree with her. Ray took her hand and pulled her aside.

"I'm sorry. I told her that so she wouldn't say anything."

"Its ok. I am still thankful though. If it weren't for you I would be eating dinner with my brother in his big empty house with his personal assistant Simon."

That's when the doorbell rang.

"That's gotta be my partner. I have to warn you, he's gotta wolf."

Ray opened the door.

"Wolf?"

Sunshine knew the smell of the person inside and took no time in pleasantries. He ran, he jumped, He knocked over, he licked.

Everyone got up from their seats, worried over the used to be sick woman.

"Summsinnne offfff" the woman said. The animal soon got off. "Hey, how did you know his name?" Ray asked. 'Maybe it's an Inuit thing?'

She looked up at the owner of the wolf and a chill ran down her spine. She quickly got up and ran out of the house.

"June!!" Fraser ran after her. "June!!"

"Oh god...Oh god...Oh god..."

"You've been dating my best friend? I can't believe this."

"You can't believe this?! I have been dating your best friend!"

"But you were gone! I thought you went back home!"

"Did you two meet when she was takin' the chemo?" Ray came up behind them.

"I can't believe it. Is that what you meant by being busy?? How could you not tell me?"

"I didn't want you to have to watch me die."

"You lied to me."

"No, I just didn't tell the truth. You of all people should know all about that." June was getting angry.

"That's not fair June."

"Oh, so now I am supposed to care about what's fair to you after you've..." She looked at Ray and stopped herself. She walked to her car and started to leave.

"June please don't go." Ray looked at her with tears in his eyes.

"You wanna go somewhere?" They both got in the car, and they were soon at some kind of park.

"Why didn't you tell me you knew Fraser?"

"I didn't know you were friends. I am sorry I didn't tell you about him."

"What was with the whole not wanting to see you die?"

"In the village, when I left to get better treatment, I only told my brother where I was really going."

"Where you and Fraser..... Have you two ever..." She nodded. "I am so sorry Ray. We dated a long time ago."

"What happened?"

"Victoria. I heard from Buck what happened between them and I broke it off. Ray, he cheated on me with a criminal." Tear after tear rolled down her cheek. "We remained friends for a while then at my going away party...it was like I was trying to prove that I was good enough for him, or I just felt I needed..." She began to sob and Ray put his arm around her, trying to comfort her in some way.

"I just heard from Inny that he thought he had done something.... He was so drunk he thought he... I came to his house to tell him he didn't... He wanted to know when he would ever be good enough for me.... I let it all go Ray, I let him go...its just so hard letting go..."

#12
"I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon, after all I knew it had to be something to do with you"~ Three Doors Down

Ray walked her to her apartment and put her in her bed.

"Don't leave Ray."

"I should."

"Why??"

"Because you are gonna wanna have a talk with Fraser to see if you can work it out. I understand ya know. I wont hold it against ya just because you wanna be friends."

"I don't think you understand."

"What's to understand?"

"You gave me life again. I don't know why, but you do."

"I could say the same about you."

"Will you stay with me?"

"Ok. I'll stay the night."

# 13

"It's dark and I think that I would give anything For you to shine down on me" ~ Nora Jones

"Why?" He asks me as my eyes open. I look to see whom he is talking to but see no one. I close my eyes again and climb on top of him so I am now more on his chest than the bed.

"Why what?" I ask. I really don't want an answer, I try to just fall back to sleep, but he wont let me.

"Why me?"

"Why you what?" I put my hand up to his mouth to shut him up; I just want to sleep with him like this all day. But he is unmoving.

"You know what I mean. Why did you pick me over Fraser?"

"You are less crazy and a whole lot more handsome, did I ever tell you I have a thing for blondes? Now Shhhh so we can sleep."

"I am not sleeping until you give me a better answer than that."

I sit up and look down at him. His eyes are decidedly lower. I look down to see what on earth he could be staring at. I quickly rap the blanket around me.

"Pervert." I say as I unwrap my legs from him.

"That's not what you were saying last night. Why can't I look at you? I have seen more."

"So you wanted to know why I 'choose ' you over Fraser?" He nodded so I proceeded.

"I thought I could never have a life again. I was ready to die and I am not ashamed to say I even welcomed it. I hated my life the way it was. And it wasn't Benton's fault, or Inny's it was my own. I didn't like me anymore, and now I really hate me then. But then I was given a second chance; I was given another shot at life. And I went to the bookstore trying to find that fire that those kids talked with, to live a life and feel important to a cause. Then I saw you looking at me. You were my mystery man. Some unspoken desire. Then you talked to me, and we dated, and I felt that fire but it wasn't for a cause. For the first time in my life it was for a thing you could never get any medal or certificate, it was for an idea. 'Us' is an idea that I just can't get rid of. I want to be a part of us, and I could never do that without you. You made me live again; I don't want to die anymore......... So you see my decision wasn't really all that hard, Benton was apart of my death, you ..... I swear you could make flowers blossom on salted earth. I think I love you for that."

He smiles one of his electric smiles and kisses me deeply. I don't get to go back to sleep again, but I don't mind.

#14
"There is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside
He's just a boy
And I'm just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we rock each others world" ~ Avril Lavigne

The office Christmas party is half way over and I don't feel so scared about seeing Benton after talking to him over the phone. He got married about a week before the thanksgiving disaster to a woman who bosses him around all the time, and I believe even dresses him. I am not ashamed to say that I am happy for him; I think he fully deserves what he has. Inny and Simon "Came out" to me before the party and even though Simon is much younger than Inny I think they will be good together. And after she told him no two times Commander Sherry O'Neil has finally told lieutenant Welsh that she will marry him. Many people are happy and I find myself giving Ray looks of love and kindness throughout the evening. Frannie, who I have learned is pregnant again not by a donor but by Turnbull, who she will marry in the spring, tells us it is present opening time. Fraser pulled my name from the tree and has given me a store bought gift so impersonal I know his new wife picked it out. I am not one to be indiscrete about things so I approach her and tell her that I like it but next time she goes to Wal-Mart to buy a present for someone don't buy an item that is on the flyer they send out to everyone in the mail. Everyone hears me and most laugh, I think I even see a smirk on Fraser's face. He gave me his own hand made present a week before.

As we are walking to his parent's house he stops me at a park and sits us down on a bench.

"June... I don't....I aint good at makin' speeches...but I .... "I cannot make speeches. If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me."" Ray pulled out a ring a little too expensive for a detective's salary and put it on my finger.

"You memorized Emma for me?" I didn't know he knew Emma was my favorite book and that made me cry even harder. Despite the cold something made me feel warm from head to toe. I kissed him and he rubbed his nose against mine attempting an Eskimo kiss, but failing miserably. My tears mixed with his and I could think of nothing better than spending the rest of my life with this endearing man.

"Love you." I said. I knew for a while he couldn't say the words, because of what happened to him before. But I was pleasantly surprised when I heard him say, "You have no idea how much I love you."

"Ray...I was nervous at first. But now... Ray I am pregnant." I touch my stomach for emphasis. I think Christmas is my favorite holiday.

#14

``In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.''

Ray has gone to work early again. He writes me the note as a promise that he will read the book with me tonight after we work on the baby's room. I have to go to the baby doctor's soon, Mary said she would drive me. I can't wait until I get to the doctor's, He'll be able to take a picture this time of our baby. There is one advantage to seeing the OBGYN at your sixth week; I can finally know the sex of the little brat that has been kicking me. I always wonder why they kick me when I eat Chinese. Could they like it as much as their dad? Why do I have this craving for pineapple pizza with vanilla ice cream?

"June don't yell on the phone."

"Ok if you don't want to know the sex of our baby that's fine I'll just hang up."

"Ok Ok, just tell me."

"Both!! Can you believe it!!"

"You're giving birth to a hermaphrodite?!"

"No, I am giving birth to one son and one daughter."

"Twins?"

"Yes twins. I was wondering why I was bigger than usual. You wanna celebrate?"

"Sure, I'll bring by three pizza's and a mountie."

"Ok, just make sure you bring the pizzas.... And some ice cream."

"June...I've been thinkin'..." Ray twisted his wedding band for the hundredth time that day. "I am a screw up. I do, I screw up everything. Why would you marry a screw up?"

"You get that cute look when you screw up. Ray, I know you will always think you're a screw up and there is close to nothing I can do about it. You are not going to screw this up Ray. I am not going to stop loving you ... well that is unless you try to kill me with a claw hammer which I don't think is going to happen anytime soon."

"Thanks I guess I just need to hear that sometimes."

"Hey I am the pregnant one, shouldn't I be the one all hormonal? Just bring home the pizza."

"Mr. Kowalski?" The OBGYN came out of the room looking too nervous.

"Is she ok? Are they all ok?"

"Yes, Mrs. Kowalski is just fine. We are well aware how long first time labor can take, but your wife... We are afraid that the only alternative is to do a C- section. Mr. Kowalski are you aware what a C- section is?"

"Your gonna cut my wife open?"

"Its just to get the babies out, we assure you all three of them will be fine. If we don't perform this procedure I am afraid this bad situation will turn worse."

"What are ya talkin to me for? Go do what you need to do."

"Are you sure you don't want to come inside?"

Ray thought of being inside there with June, comforting her. Then he thought of them making the cut into his wife.

"I'll stay out here. Can you tell me when it's all over?"

"Of course Mr. Kowalski."

"Thanks doc." The doctor left and Ray looked down at his daughter in his arms.

"Hey Leilani, I'm you Dad. You knocked out your mum; she is over there sleeping. You are a very tirein' little girl. I don't need to introduce you to your brother; you've known him for nine months more than me. But we did decide to call him Bogdan. I know its weird but it grew on me, besides it's the meaning that counts. You remember that when a girl named something like Kimberly is teasing you in school, of course that comes later, you don't have to worry about that now."

"Where is Bo?" June said suprising Ray.

"He is in the crib. You should be sleeping."

"So should she. So should you. We have all had a long 35 hours."

"I was up, she was up, so we decided we'd be up together. I'll go to sleep once she falls asleep. Ok?"

"Yeah, sure. You know Bogdan has your hair? It is black like mine but it spikes up. The nurse spent fifteen minutes trying to lay it flat."

"Greatness. I am sorry I did the invisible husband back there but..."

"Its ok Ray." June quickly fell back to sleep.

"I may be goin on instinct here Leilani, but I have a feeling everything is gonna be alright." The baby in his arms made a noise then slowly shut her eyes and drifted off to sleep. Her father put her in the crib and quickly fell asleep himself.

In some cases where a story ends a new life for the Characters begins. To say "The End" would be a contradiction to the meaning of this story. To find the beginning of this story, just go to where the end once was.

End How could you? by Laurie Strode: laurie_strode22@yahoo.ca

Author and story notes above.