Disclaimer: The characters are borrowed from elsewhere.

Author's Notes: Thanks D. Thanks Bindlestitch people.

Story Notes: This story is about a abusive relationship - Fraser is bad in it. So don't read if you think he is a goody goody.

"Meat"
By Jodie Louise

I can't really remember how it started. I think I've blocked it out what happened that day - what d'they call it? Trauma. Traumatized. The first time was the worse. I've sorta got used to it now. Strange. Didn't think it was the sorta thing you ever got used to. But I have.

The first few times I struggled and lashed out. How dare he do this. But he has always had a few pounds on me. I'm just a scrawny blond mess after all - no match for this mountie.

Somewhere along the way I lost the will to fight. Instead I decide to bow to the inevitable. And now when he enters me it don't hurt as much as it hurt before. I mean that's 'bout all I can remember the first time - it hurting. The blood. Not being able to sit down properly afterwards. But I find if I relax and let him it don't hurt as much.

He says he loves me. When he comes he says he loves me. And I don't understand that. Don't understand that at all.

S'funny. I'm a cop. A trained undercover cop. You'd have thought I'd be able to get away from him. But I can't. After the first time I tried to get away. Fuck Vecchio's cover - I was outta here. Did what I'd been taught. Disappeared. Worked for a few days. A few days of peace. Should've known - he was a mountie - used to tracking people over snow and ice for fuck's sake. So he found me.

May be I was wrong 'bout the first time. May be the second time was the worse.

In hospital afterward he wouldn't leave my side. Told Welsh he'd found me like that. And what was I gonna say? Who the hell would believe me? And everyday I was in the hospital he would sit there holding my hand. Holding my fucking hand. Welsh got it into his head that we were lovers - of course when I realised he thought this I tried to put him straight. But hell, he just thought I was doing that because I didn't want him to split us up on the job.

He's got a key to the apartment. I changed all the locks first time I realised this but he got in through the window instead. Don't ask me how. He's a mountie and I s'pose they do breaking into apartment blocks as a training course.

I know that he can get in whenever he likes. It doesn't scare me anymore. After a while you jus' accept things that you can't change, that you have no power over. And after a while you don't feel anymore. Don't feel anything even if he makes you come. I mean I enjoy coming but it isn't the same sorta `enjoy' it was before, with Stella, with anyone. It is a different `enjoy'. May be `enjoy' is the wrong word - may be the word I mean is `relief'. It is a relief to come, and you're enjoying the relief, not the sex itself. Yeah.

Do I love him? I sorta love him.

Don't know what I'm gonna do. Just keep going I s'pose. Keep breathing `til he decides he don't want me no more. Then someone will find my body, in a dumpster or in snow. And that is the only thing I am certain of anymore.

End Meat by Jodie Louise: jodie.mouse@virgin.net

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