Disclaimer: They're not mine, alas. I just like to play with them. But see? I put them back, good as new!

Author's Notes: Thanks to the wonderful people who betaed this – I am in your debt, Jen & Snowee; also, I owe my eternal devotion to my Slash Mistress, Obi-Kat. And, as ever, feedback is greatly appreciated!

Story Notes:

My Fraser

You know, I never thought something like this would ever happen to me. After Stella, I had pretty much sworn off marriage. And if you'd told me a year ago that I'd be getting married again - to another man, no less - I'd say you were nuts, and probably kick you in the head. But Fraser, he just...fits me, you know? And when he asked, I couldn't say no.

It all started after we wrapped up this huge case, the bad guys were put away and things started to settle back to normal. Except things couldn't get totally back to normal because I had realized that I was in love with my partner. Not just an affection, or strong friendship - because we were good friends. But complete, utter, break-your-heart, head-over-heels in love. This realization was so huge that it had taken me a long time to understand it and deal with it.

For one thing, I was shocked that I could feel this way again. I thought Stella had twisted my heart forever. When we divorced, she took a large chunk of my soul along with the house and furniture. All my relationships since then have been meaningless, one-night stands or otherwise unsatisfactory.

And for another thing, my partner was a man. I'll admit to experimenting with the gay thing a little bit when I was younger, but I hadn't had sexual feelings toward a man in a long time. So I probably took longer to realize what I was feeling because it hadn't occurred to me that Fraser was in that category. But once it did, I fell for him. Hard.

But honestly, it wasn't really the sex thing that was throwing me. It's that it was Fraser that I was feeling this way about.

So by the time we sent Muldoon to the gray bar hotel, I had pretty much decided to end our partnership. It was too hard to keep working with him and pretending. That we were just friends and partners. That he didn't mean more to me every day. That I was the same old Ray that I was before. It was impossible to continue the charade. I thought that it would be better if we moved on, and that he should get a transfer back home to Canada. Somehow, though, he convinced me to take one last adventure with him.

"What adventure?" I asked.

"The one we talked about when we were trapped in the crevasse - to find the Hand of Franklin, reaching for the Beaufort Sea," he said.

I debated with myself, back and forth - I should go and spend the last days of our partnership together with him, and try to enjoy it; I shouldn't go because out there in the wilderness I couldn't hide my feelings from him. Fraser, though, is very persuasive, and when he asked me again to go with him, I said yes.

Once we were on the trail, it took a few days for me to settle down enough to be nervous around him. Travelling by dogsled in subzero temperatures and camping out in the open took all of my strength. I didn't have any left for anxiety about a relationship with Fraser.

But one night, after we'd settled into a routine and I had enough energy to think again, I decided that maybe I should tell him. Tell him that I loved him and that that's why I couldn't be his partner anymore. Actually, in other circumstances, it would have been a very romantic situation. The fire, the stars, the Northern Lights. I couldn't believe I was going to end it all right here. But even though I really didn't want it to end, I knew it had to. Fraser never would want to continue to be my partner once he knew how I felt.

I was getting up my courage to tell him all of this, when he cleared his throat. "Ray, I've been meaning to say something to you."

I sighed, because I wanted to be the one to break the news. I hate getting dumped. But for some reason I held back, and just said, "Okay, what?"

"Ray, I know we...I mean, this may not be...Ray, you and I have been..."

"Fraser, just spit it out."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Ray, I love you."

I was absolutely dumbfounded. I think my mouth even dropped open. I couldn't say anything, mainly because my stomach had leapt into my throat. He wasn't looking at me, just at the fire. Then I noticed that his gloved hands were shaking like crazy. Had he really just said what I thought he said? He dared to look at me, but I still couldn't speak.

He started talking to himself: "I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I knew it would be too much. Why did I have to ruin everything..."

I started shaking my head when I realized what he was doing. 'No, no, you didn't ruin anything,' I thought. But he wasn't looking at me, couldn't see me negating his words, so I jumped up and walked over to sit next to him. He fell silent. "Fraser?" was all I could say.

Still staring into the fire, he said nothing. I put my arm around his shoulder and said his name again. "Fraser?" I reached up to his chin and turned his face to me. I saw a single tear fall down his face.

Oh, lord, I'd never felt such relief and love well up in me before. Here I was, thinking that I'd be saying goodbye to him on this trip, and then he dropped this bombshell on me. The thing I wanted most of all but hadn't dared hope for. And I saw all the anxiety and hope I was feeling reflected back at me through his eyes. I smiled at him and leaned in, kissing him gently on the lips. I stretched my arms around him and pulled him close in a hug, and I felt him trembling.

I couldn't believe this was really happening. I could almost accept that this was all a dream, if it weren't for the warmth of Fraser's body pressed up against mine in contrast to the biting cold air, or the crushing grip of Fraser's arms around me, or the smell of his skin - a mixture of wood smoke and Diefenbaker, sweat and his own unique spicy scent.

Well, we spent the next week right there at that campsite, getting to know each other, in this new way. I figured it would be more adventurous than finding the Hand of Franklin. And it was. We didn't do everything - neither one of us was ready for that - but we explored each other physically, and mentally. We established ground rules, boundaries, the terms of our new relationship. We talked about everything, and kissed each other until our lips were raw. We even fought, and made up. It was the best week I can remember having in a long, long time.

When we got back to Chicago, we had to sort out how to work with each other again, and be in a relationship at the same time. It wasn't easy. In fact, we almost killed each other on several occasions. Misunderstandings. But we finally got back into a rhythm, and it suited us.

Now don't get me wrong: when we're working, he's still just as infuriating as he ever was. And we still argue about...well, everything. But after that week...I don't know. We were a real team, Fraser & I.

So nine months went by, and I decided that we should take a vacation together. Fraser needed to go to Ottawa on some sort of official errand for the consulate, so I figured, Okay, Vermont. Skiing, bed & breakfast, the works. Whatever, as long as we got out of the city. We flew into Ottawa and he did what he had to do. (Sometimes I think he's little more than an errand boy at that consulate, but that's another story.) Afterwards we rented a car and drove across the border to Burlington, Vermont, then to a little B&B on the outskirts of town.

We shopped, we skied, we spent hours in the hot tub, we made love, and generally relaxed. Well, he relaxed as much as a Mountie ever can. After a particularly good day, we were soaking in the Jacuzzi, kissing, talking, enjoying each other. Then Fraser looks at me and blurts out, "Ray, will you marry me?"

Just like when he told me he loved me, I was speechless. Fraser started babbling out of nervousness. "I mean, we're here in Vermont, and this is the one state where we can get married, and we could get a marriage license, and this is kind of like our honeymoon already, and you know I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you..."

Now, I hadn't known that. I knew Fraser had strong feelings for me, and I knew that he had made his peace with being with me, and with being gay, as I had. But we'd never talked like that before, not seriously. Not long-term. I finally found my voice and interrupted his anxious monologue. "Fraser! Yes, I'll marry you!"

He then started to blither in relief. "Oh, Ray, I'm so happy, you have no idea how scared I was to ask you, I wasn't sure if you wanted to be-" Again, I interrupted him, but this time with a kiss. We ended up screwing right there in the Jacuzzi, a possessive, urgent act that joined us together more than any vows ever could.

The next day, Fraser completely surprised me - again - by having the day planned out, the most romantic, thoughtful, wonderful day of my life. He had arranged everything ahead of time - the Justice of the Peace, the rings, the licenses, the clothes, everything. He even had a couple of his Mountie buddies there to stand up for us.

I almost got mad at him when I realized what he had done: arranged the whole day, and he'd obviously had to do it before he asked me, so what if I hadn't said yes? But then he explained - with lots of hugging and kissing and reassurance - that he was just hoping for the best, and that he wanted to be fully prepared if I had said yes. And I'm really glad he did, because the day was truly perfect.

Today, three months later, I still marvel at the idea that I'm married. That Fraser & I are joined for life. For instance, I'll catch a glimpse of the ring as I'm doing something, like interviewing a suspect, and it'll take me completely off guard. I have to stop what I'm doing and think about my husband. It's strange. But unlike my relationship with Stella, my marriage to Fraser just seems to be getting stronger every day. And every day, I love Fraser more. The days go by, and I look forward to spending each one with my partner, my husband, my Fraser.

END

End My Fraser by tiffany: tttm333@yahoo.com

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