Author's website: http://freespace.virgin.net/jodie.mouse

Disclaimer: Borrowed - not mine. Cindy is mine though.

Author's Notes: Thanks Bindle people and D. Thanks Tracy for piccie help on website.

Story Notes: Warning - f/f slash alert. Ray/Ray. Violence, rape etc. Happy ending.

This story is a sequel to: Fragment

"Out of the Dark"
By Jodie Louise

The blond head is bowed. Blanket wrapped around him. He is staring at the TV but not watching it. Smoking cigarette after cigarette.

"Ray, would you like some soup?"

And I know he can't hear me. I know he's in that Other Place where he's been living for I don't know how long. Ray - the cop Ray - has given me keys to the apartment. Cindy and I take turns keeping an eye out for him, making sure my Ray, his Ray, doesn't do anything stupid. Between the three of us and that cute mountie guy we made sure someone is always with him.

There is always someone there with him but he never sees you. Ray looks at you, but isn't actually at you it is through you. Like you are a pane of glass. Just like a pane of glass you can see your fear reflected in Ray and magnified.

I pour the soup into a bowl for him, put it on a tray and take it to him. I place it on his lap. I know what will happen. He will have a couple of spoonfuls and then leave the rest. Ray is hardly eating. He is so thin. I'm sure he needs to be somewhere he can be properly looked after. Vecchio says no. Vecchio wants to look after him - and we all try our best for them both.

It is strange to see someone who was always full of energy sitting there - blankness behind his eyes. The other Ray has taken it badly.

I sometimes think he is waiting for the old Stanley Ray Kowalski to come running through the door of the apartment. I sometimes think he expects to see Ray on a street corner selling his ass.

I'm just guessing, 'cos I don't know what either of them thinks.

"Elaine."

I turn to Ray - it is the first thing he has said to me for hours.

"Ray?"

He does not look at me. He is looking at the TV.

"Elaine."

But his hand touches the couch beside him, and I sit there. I hold his hand and we stay there watching daytime TV. And when he squeezes my hand for a moment I smile. I wonder if the old Ray is starting to come back.

We share the same bed. But not. He lays with me but doesn't touch. And that is fine because a week ago Ray wouldn't even sleep in the same bed as me.

I wonder where he has gone and when he will be back.

It's not the sex I miss. It's him, his smile - everything about him. At the moment it is like someone else is living in his body. I have to go on at work like nothing has happened and it is killing me. Fraser is doing most of my work, he is covering for me. All I can think about is when Ray will be back. I want him back so much. It hurts.

He didn't die that night. Thank God he didn't die.

Instead there is a body which moves around. A mass of flesh which lays in the same bed as I at night. I can feel the heat from the body but it is not warm. Warm is love. And I don't feel anything from Ray anymore. Do not see anything in his eyes.

Dead eyes. Holes. His eyes seem dark even though they are pale in colour.

I will be able to tell when he gets better. When he gets better I will see the love in his eyes - if he still loves me that is. Even if I see hate in them it will be better than this - this blankness.

I can feel Cindy's fingers massaging my shoulder. Pushing. We are sitting on the couch in my apartment. After watching Ray today I feel tense.

"I'll massage it all away." she whispers by my cheek and continues pounding muscle.

Closing my eyes I lean back into her touch.

"Ray will be okay."

Will he? Will either Ray be okay again? I pull Cindy into a fierce kiss and her hands move down until she is massaging my breasts. We are pulling off clothes. Skin against skin, beige against gold.

Her tongue darts between my legs - hot - like it is lacerating me. And then inside, I can feel her inside. Thrust into her, pushing myself in her face. I feel so dizzy and try to steady myself on the couch. It is too much...too much...too good...can't stand it. My arms and legs feel detached. I cannot...the only place that exists is between my legs, and the heat of Cindy's tongue.

I'm seeing colours - purple, red, brown. I am trembling deep inside.

I'm alive and happy. Cindy is here. Her lips glisten with my juices and I kiss her tasting myself.

I pull her down over me and begin to fuck her with my fingers.

I do not feel guilty. I do not feel guilty being like this while one Ray is broken and the other sad. I feel life.

I need to make this connection.

Need.

I push my fingers further in and listen to Cindy's moan.

Yes. This is my way of coping.

I dunno wha I'm doing here. It's very dark and I'm scared. Scared.

I'm in a room and there is no door, no window. I dunno how I know it's a room `cos it's so dark I can't see the floor, walls or ceiling - where they all start and end. I jus' kinda feel like they're there. Like I've gotta sixth sense or summat.

At first I felt safe here. Like no-one could touch me. No Jonny, no Matt, no-one.

Felt like I was in a kinda protective bubble. Now I'm scared `cos I dunno how to get out of this room. I'm scared I'm gonna be trapped here forever.

On my way to the video store I pass the diner run by that British couple - the one where Ray used to go all the time. I remember we went in for lunch. He said "Elaine you gotta try the deep fried Mars bar" - of course I had to wiggle out of that one. Had the pea fritter instead. Ray had the deep fried Mars bar.

He doesn't like going outside now. Doesn't seem to like much.

I hurry before Kate sees me and asks where Ray is - I don't wanna think `bout it anymore.

Melvin doesn't buy extra coffee anymore. There's an unopened jar lying out back. I'm gonna open it when Ray next comes to the shop. I don't know when that will be.

I smile as I enter the shop.

"Afternoon Elaine."

"Hi Melvin."

I go out the back of the shop.

"How's Ray? Any better?"

"He's better."

I love Melvin but I don't wanna talk 'bout it to him. I don't even talk 'bout it to Cindy. Don't know what to say.

S'not completely dark here. Sometimes I see a small light. Very small. I have to concentrate really hard otherwise I'll miss it. I like the light - I think it will be my way outta here.

Jus' gotta concentrate. Make the light bigger...

Each time I see it it gets bigger. I'm gonna make it gigantic so that there is no darkness left an' I can leave this room. I don't wanna be here no more. I wanna be outside. I wanna be back with Ray. I wanna...

Warm. We are laying naked tangled in each other on the couch Cindy and I.

It's nice. Just laying here.

I pull a stray strand of hair away from Cindy's face. Her eyes are closed and breathing gentle. I stroke her cheek. Kiss her.

There is a banging at the door.

I ignore it. Cindy's eyes start flickering.

More banging. Louder. I get up looking for a robe.

The door smashes open. A guy, no two guys are standing in the doorway. They smirk when they notice mine and Cindy's nudity. Their eyes are cold.

"Get the fuck outta my apartment!"

"Can't do that lady."

Cindy is now awake and has come over to me. She grips my arm.

"What are you doing here?" Cindy asks.

"Ya run out on your boyfriend. I've got a message for you from him. He says jus' `cos he's in jail don't mean you can go running around with your new lady friend here."

They are stepping closer. Large guys, all muscles and tattoos. And I don't know what they're gonna do.

"Get outta my apartment." I repeat.

The larger one smirks. He has a scar on his face.

"Ya gonna stop me? Nah I don't think so."

He grabs Cindy by the hair and pulls her to him.

"Elaine!" screams Cindy trying to twist free.

"You fucking bastard. Let go of her!"

And I launch myself at him - fuck. The other guy's got my arm and is pulling me back. I try and hit him.

"Let go of me you fuckwit."

"Time to give these ladies a lesson."

I kick, lash out, scream, pound myself against the guy holding me but he doesn't move. He is like a mountain. Unmoveable. Solid. And he backhands me.

Fuck. My head...how can we get outta this? I can feel blood running down my face. Cindy is screaming. I can't see what the other guy is doing to her but she is screaming, and I think I can hear him unzipping his jeans. I don't wanna think `bout that - don't wanna...

I can still hear Cindy screaming. Or is it me screaming now? Why don't anyone come to help us? They must hear us, they must.

The guy throws me to the floor and lays on top of me. I try and push him off.

Then I know it is me screaming. We are both screaming.

It took me all afternoon and going around half the grocery stores in Chicago to get them. Anything is worth it to get a reaction out of Ray.

I let myself into the apartment. Ray is wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. Dief is sitting there with him and Ray is idly stroking his fur. He is doing his normal thing - staring at the TV but not seeing.

"Hi Ray. Is Fraser still here?"

No answer. Ray does look up though.

"Hello, Ray." says Fraser, coming out from the kitchen.

"Hi, Benny."

I look at Benny - he's wearing rubber gloves. Jesus. He's been disinfecting something or other again.

"You know Benny, you don't have to clean when you're 'round here."

"I don't mind. I better go now Ray - Inspector Thatcher will be expecting me back."

"Okay, Benny."

I push him into the kitchen and close the door.

"How's he been?"

"Better. Dief seems to get through to him."

"Leave Dief here tonight. Please, Benny. It might help him."

"Understood."

Fraser takes off the rubber gloves and reaches for his stetson which is on the counter.

"I appreciate everything you've done." I tell him.

Benny nods and I follow him out of the kitchen. He goes to Dief.

"I'm leaving you here tonight. Be good."

Dief looks at Benny a moment and then turns back to Ray.

"Thanks mountie. I like the dog." Ray says quietly.

Benny looks at me. We are shocked into silence. Then we smile at each other - to hear Ray say anything, to react to something outside of whatever is going on in his head, well I'd give up a lot of stuff these days.

I walk Benny to the door.

"'Bye Benny."

He smiles once again and leaves. I close the door and turn to Ray.

"I got something for you today. Took me all afternoon to find them. I hope you appreciate it."

Ray turns and looks at me but don't say anything.

I take the packet out of my pocket and drape my coat over a chair. I sit next to Ray on the couch. His eyes are on the packet.

"Jaffa Cakes?" he asks.

I swear his eyes have lit up.

"Yeah. Too right. Remembered you saying you liked them but that the store you used to go to stopped doing them. Well I found a new place."

Ray grins. The first time I've seen him grin for ages. He takes the packet from my hands and opens it. Gives a cake to Dief.

"There are lots of different ways to eat Jaffa Cakes. Ya can just eat them, ya know take bites outta them. Or ya can eat the sponge bit on the bottom first leaving jus' the chocolate and orangey bit, and eat that bit last. Ya can dunk them in coffee - only quickly tho' otherwise they fall apart."

It is the most Ray has said since he came out of the hospital. I feel my face break out into a smile.

"What way should I try first?"

Ray pops one in his mouth, leaving half hanging out and leans towards me like he is gonna kiss me. I get it. I lean forward and take a bite from the cake. Our lips gently brush. Ray then pulls back and grins. Dief gives a small whine.

"Ya wanna another Jaffa Cake?" says Ray looking at Dief.

He takes one from the packet and passes it to the wolf.

I lean back on the couch and put my arm around the back of it so I'm almost touching Ray. This time he eats the spongy bit of the Jaffa Cake first and leaves the chocolate bit. The chocolate bit is hanging out of his mouth. He leans close to me and I once again take a bite.

Our lips brush again but this time Ray turns it into a kiss and I kiss him back.

Dief barks.

Ray pulls back from me and feeds Dief another cake before leaning back in to kiss me again.

My Ray's still not properly back but a bit more of him is here today than there has been since he was in hospital. He is curled against me in our bed. We have just made love for the first time since he left the hospital. I told him I was gonna wipe away the ghosts of all those bastards that had ever used them. This made him shudder. And now he is holding me tightly breathing gently against my neck.

My Ray is coming back.

I ache all over. I dunno how long I've been out for. I pull myself up from the floor my body protesting at the movement. I feel very sore. Especially...well. I'm not gonna be too good at sitting for a while.

"Cindy? Cindy?"

It is now dark outside and the apartment is full of shadows. I go to Cindy. She is still laying on the floor. Her face is a mess.

"Elaine? They gone now?"

"Yes."

I pull her to me and we hold each other for a long time. We're both crying. I pull myself together.

"Pack some stuff Cindy."

"What?"

"Get your things together. We're getting out of here."

Cindy nods. Knows it's a good idea. We dress in silence.

I wake up and smile as I feel spiky hair brushing the back of my head. Ray has snuggled in real close to me. I gently pull him off and go to make some coffee.

I stop when I reach the doorway. Elaine and Cindy are curled up on the couch. Dief is at their feet like he's guarding them or something. I'd forgotten I'd given Elaine a key. They're both asleep. As I get closer I can see they both look pretty beat up. Like they've gone a few rounds with someone a lot larger than them.

Elaine's eyes crack open and she is looking at me.

"Who did this?" I ask.

"Friends of Cindy's ex. Can we stay here for a while?"

I nod and move to the couch and kneel beside it. I don't know what Ray will be like when he sees his friends like this. It might make him hide away all over again.

"Ray?"

Elaine looks behind me. I do too. Ray is in the doorway. At first he is grinning but then he gets closer and I know he can see that the girls have been beaten up. The colour drains out of his face. Dief trots up to him and licks his hand.

"It's okay, Ray. We're okay now." says Elaine.

She gets up from the couch and hugs him. He hugs her back. And they start crying together.

Cindy sits up on the couch. Jesus. Her face is worse than Elaine's. She gets up and goes to Ray and Elaine and hugs them too. They got some sort of three way hug thing going. They are all crying.

I don't know what to do. But I prefer to see Ray cry than see the blankness on his face which he had worn for most of the time since he left the hospital.

I gotta a new family. Me an' Ray, Elaine an' Cindy, mountie an' wolf. We all live in a big apartment together. S'weird at first but Ray really likes it. I mean he was used to having his large family `round him all the time. We've become his new family now and he's made himself the `man of the house'. Something me and Fraser weren't that bothered `bout anyhow. Fraser likes cleaning an' I like makin' a mess.

Ray insists on us all eating together at the table. I'm sure he's tryin' to recreate how he used to eat with his Ma and the other Vecchios. But it don't bother me - I'll do anything to make him smile.

Melvin opened another video store and made Elaine the manager. He gave me an' Cindy jobs. I like it even more than the bar job. Get to watch lots of films. Elaine loves having her own shop to manage. She keeps buys in foreign films and has been learning Korean off one of them. S'funny when she and Cindy speak Korean together - Elaine's accent can be a bit off sometimes. This makes Cindy laugh.

Me? I'm pretty happy at the moment. Got a hot cop as a lover. Got good friends around me. Got a job I like.

The past don't matter no more. I think `bout it less and less. Jus' think `bout the future.

End Out of the Dark by Jodie Louise: jodie.mouse@virgin.net

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