Author's website: http://www.tomparisdorm.com/genie/place.html

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Not mine. No money, don't sue!!!

Author's Notes: This is the result of a challenge issued to me by Sun. The fic had to include the words: bloody, kidney, black silk, tangerine, night, illumination, mince, beef, and starts with "If I could fall." So here it is.
Also available in the zine "Duet 2" from Agent With Style. As a matter of fact, the illustration and some of the arts I did for the zine is only available there for the time being. So go get it!

Story Notes:

August 2001

...And The Cow Jumped Over The Moon
By Eugenie Chua

If I could fall into a hole and hide my face right now, I sure as hell would.

The day started innocently enough: fresh coffee and M&Ms, I even woke up in time to get breakfast before picking Fraser up from the Consulate. And that, my friend, was when things got weird.

It all started with Fraser asking me if I could make a slight detour to a pet shop so he could get something for Dief. Being the good partner that I am, much to my regret now, I obliged.

Just as we were about to get in the car Fraser noticed something funky. A delivery truck was parked outside MacLeod's Butcher. The driver was handing the other guy some sort of form to sign, so neither of them noticed the third guy climbing into the driver's side of the truck. Fraser, being the ever-observant Mountie that he is, did. Well, observant most of the time, 'cause then he tried dashing across the road and into an oncoming car. I pulled him back while he shouted out a warning. But it was too late. By the time butcher guy and driver guy realized what was happening. The other guy had started the engine and was on his way. This time, I didn't think even an entire herd of elephants would stop that...that... stupid partner of mine from going after the truck. On foot.

Man vs. truck. Even I could figure out who'd win!

Cursing, I got in my car and went after Fraser. Dief, in the wisdom that I wish his master possessed, hopped into the backseat. In no time, I'd caught up with Fraser, dragged him onto the passenger seat without really stopping the car (don't ask me how we accomplished that, 'cause I have no friggin' idea!), and continued the chase. Only, by that time, it was too late. There was no sign of the truck.

More cursing on my part while we drove back to the butcher's.

Guy from the butcher store had this stunned look on his face. The driver guy was cursing even more than I was. Fraser just told him to calm down and the Chicago PD would, and I quote, "no doubt handle the situation and find your truck. There's absolutely nothing you should be worried about." How nice of him to volunteer the CPD. (Read: Det. Ray Vecchio.) Great. I have a case with my name tattooed on it in big red letters and I haven't even stepped into the office yet. Yep! I would see that it was just gonna be a great day! Anyway, I assured the guy that we would do everything we could to recover his truck, and began getting the case details. "So. What's in the truck?" I asked.

"Kidneys," driver guy replied.

"My kidneys!!" MacLeod from MacLeod's Butcher Shop said, finally getting over his shock.

"Kidneys and lamb loins," driver guy added. "God! My boss is gonna kill me! First week on the job and I lose the damn truck!"

"Don't sweat it," I said, trying to calm the guy down. "We'll find your truck."

"Vecchio! Just the man I was looking for." Welsh greeted me with this smile on his face that I've long ago learned meant "bad news". "Detective, if you're done playing with your Mountie, there's this thing we call 'work' that you might be interested in. 'Work' as in getting paid so you can get gas for your car, buy that chocolate you're so fond of, pay your rent and bills, if you get what I mean."

And with that, he shoved a file into my hands and headed back into his office.

I dumped the file onto my desk and sagged into my chair just as Fraser managed to get himself away from Frannie. Frannie... For a moment, the thought crossed my mind of getting right in her face and blurting out everything between Frase and me right in the squad room. But the sane part of me decided that it wouldn't be such a good idea. For some reason, I was actually surprised that there was still some sanity left in me.

Flipping open the case file that had just landed on my lap, I quickly skimmed through it, letting out a groan when I realized what it was: Trucks. Meat-delivering trucks, stolen right under everyone's noses, contents and all. Lamb, beef, pork, chicken, you name it, it was on the list.

"Hmm...interesting," Fraser was reading over my shoulder.

"What?"

"Apparently this only started last evening, and so far, over 24 trucks, 25 if you count Mr. Gordon's earlier, have been stolen from their owners."

"So there's more than one of 'em at it."

"Precisely."

The rest of the morning was spent trying to track down missing trucks. If only it was that simple.

"Come on Frase! That's crazy! A meat-truck-stealing cult?!"

"Well, not necessary a meat-truck-stealing cult, more like a meat-stealing cult," Fraser replied.

"Then why not just rob the stores? It'd be easier than trying to get rid of the trucks," I said.

"Maybe they need a mode of transportation and the only inconspicuous way to transport a massive amount of meat would be trucks, and... thank you."

"What for?" It was times like that I swear I'm not really the one Fraser's talking to. He kinda looks at this spot behind me for a split second.... He thinks he covers his tracks, but they didn't make me detective just 'cause of my looks!

"For, uh... buying lunch." Have to say that was one of the weakest excuses he'd ever come up with. But, it was definitely better than "Oh, no reason at all".

"Yer welcome," I said, pretending not to notice his weird behaviour. "But why are they stealin' meat?! I can come up with a million things just off the top of my head worth more than meat."

"That, my friend, is why we're here."

And right on cue, this guy jumped outta the interrogation room and started howling. Literally howling like Dief, which was when Dief decided to join the party with a genuine wolf howl. Two seconds later, more howls could be heard throughout the building when the K-9 squad joined in. First a meat-stealing cult, then a partner who seems to be talking to thin air, and now this. I know exactly how Scully feels following Mulder around.

The Duckboys finally managed to shut the guy up by shoving--of all things--half a tangerine into his mouth. Good thinking, guys. Very creative. Unfortunately, that didn't shut the dogs up, or for that matter, Dief.

"What the hell is going on here?" Welsh barely managed to get himself heard over the howling.

"He started it!" Huey and Dewey pointed at their suspect.

"And what's wrong with him?!" Welsh pointed at Dief.

"I'm afraid sir, that Diefenbaker was caught up in the heat of the moment. He's ignoring me, I can't get him to stop. I'm terribly sorry sir."

A sergeant was walking by with his lunch, which Welsh promptly confiscated. He opened it and shoved it under Dief's nose. That did the trick. Fur-face immediately shut up and started stuffing himself with steamed mincemeat and eggs instead.

"Francesca! Go tell the K-9 keepers to feed their damn dogs something!!" Welsh hollered. Within minutes, all four-legged personnel were quiet.

"Of course!" Shit! Fraser had that 'look' again.

"Of course what?" I asked, knowing it could only mean trouble for me.

"Full moon!"

"What has that gotta do with anythin'?"

"There's going to be a full moon tonight. Cultures all over the world believe that the full moon brings power, which is why enchantments and rituals are often performed under a full moon."

Okaaaayyyy...

"So it would follow that our meat-stealing cult, given that they only started their endeavours last evening, needed fresh meat in order to carry out some form of ritual."

Riiiiiiight.... and Buffy's gonna be there to stop them from conjuring up some demon.

"Ray, think about it, it all makes perfect sense!"

I'm definitely identifying with Scully.

Somehow or other, we managed to figure out where the alleged ritual was going to be held. Something to do with the position of the moon in relation to Mars and Venus or some other mumbo jumbo, which sorta explained why we're staking out a warehouse on the waterfront in the middle of the night. Not! To tell the truth, I really wasn't paying that much attention when Fraser was going on about it. Too busy trying to figure out how the two of us...

"Woof!"

Ok, the three of us (I swear, lips aren't the only thing that wolf can read!), could possibly take down an entire cult by ourselves.

"Whoa! Hold on a second there Frase, yer not suggesting that we just charge in, without any back up, and single-handedly take down a cult with anywhere between 20 to 200 members?"

"Uh... essentially, yes." At least he had the decency to sound a little uncertain.

"Oh yeah, we're just gonna charge into a room with 200 cult members, armed with exactly two clips of bullets, and you're gonna bore them into unconsciousness with one of your Inuit tales while I charm their pants down so they can't run. Great plan there, Frase."

"Ray, there's no need for skeptisim. It's a perfectly executable plan."

"Executable? Execution is more like it! Our execution! We're talking about a cult here. These people, they tend to be... uh...unstable. They tend to be nuts, which is why we call them 'cultist'! On second thought, maybe you'll fit just right in. It's suicidal!"

"I don't remember asking for your opinion," he snapped.

If I didn't see his eyes giving a quick glance into the mirror before saying that, I would've blown up. Ah! What the heck!

"You don't remember asking for my opinion?! Who the hell am I to you?! Your minion that'll follow every single order that comes outta yer mouth, worshiping the ground you walk on?! I'm your partner fer God's sake! And that means I get a say in what we do, too!"

"Ray, I'm sorry. That was a misunderstanding."

"A misunderstanding? Really? What part of 'I don't remember asking for your opinion' did I misunderstand?"

"Ray, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Dief."

"Oh."

As a matter of fact, Dief hadn't made a peep during the entire conversation, but I let it slide. Someday, I'm gonna ask him about the other side of conversation that he always seemed to be having, but not today.

"They've closed the door. I believe that was the last of the members."

He was out the door before I could stop him. How could someone as smart as him be so... stupid? It defies logic. And instinct.

Cursing, I called it in, requesting backup before running after Fraser. I could've sworn I heard someone cursing back when I accused his parents for not teaching him some common sense.

Anyway, the Mountie was trying to get on top of a stack of crates so he could look in the window; Dief was nowhere in sight. I got up behind Fraser and told him it wouldn't work cuz those windows were so dirty he'd have to clean 'em with acid to see through 'em. And that was when we got caught; Fraser almost on top of some box and my face practically in his ass. This was one screwed up night!

"The Knight and his consort have been delivered to us! Just as it was prophesized!"

Some guy was standing in the middle of a huge star in a black and white robe, made of, as far as I could tell, some kinda white powdery stuff, like white sand, maybe. The rest of the guys were standing in a circle around the star. There must have been at least a hundred of 'em, all in brown robes.

There were two sturdy poles-like for playing tetherball on or something-stuck in the ground in the middle of the star and as I looked up, I saw this big hole on the roof right where the poles were. God only knows what they were trying to do!

"Tie him up there." The leader guy pointed at Fraser. "And prepare him." He pointed at me. I was dragged off to some room that looked like it was once an office but was now their high court or something. I put up a fight, but being tied and gagged made things a lot harder.

For some reason, they decided to untie me once we were in the room. I took the chance and punch one of them. I was about to get to the other guy when a third guy came outta nowhere and knocked me out.

I have no idea how long I was out, but apparently it was long enough for them to do what they wanted to do to me 'cause someone was tying my hands behind me again. They dragged me up on my feet, and I nearly tripped over a pile of stuff that looked strangely familiar. It took a moment before I realized it was my pile of stuff. My stuff. Clothes, guns, handcuffs, shoes, underwear...

Before I could figure out what they were trying to do, I was shoved outta the room. From what I could see--and it wasn't much, what with being hit on the head and not wearing my glasses and all-- I was wearing matching black pants and shirt. I think they were silk. Very, very thin black silk that might as well have been transparent. Really, it left nothing to the imagination, and I mean nothing. Needless to say, I was damn grateful none of the hooded figures were looking my way.

I don't even wanna think about the three guys in the room stripping me and putting those "garments" on me!

They tied me to the pole next to Frase and I swear his eyes nearly popped outta their sockets when he saw me. I wiggled a little just to give him something to think about. Another couple of guys came up and started piling some stuff at my feet. They were surrounding me and Fraser with...with...lamb chops?! Red, and bloody lamb chops. What the....

As soon as the two guys disappeared into the sea of brown robed figures, everyone started chanting. No idea what they were going on about, but I knew whatever it was, couldn't have been good for my health. And all the while, the leader guy was sitting on the floor, as though waiting for some sign.

Couple minutes later, the chanting stopped and leader guy stood up. He looked up through the hole over top of us. I followed his gaze and saw the moon almost completely covering the hole. A few more minutes and it would fit right into it. I guess that explained why the centre of the star was brighter than the other parts.

This was definitely one screwed up night.

Just as the moon slid into place, leader guy began chanting and everything seemed to grow brighter around me. And then a loud boom interrupted whatever ritual they were performing. Doors were kicked in and windows broken. Finally! Backup!

Hooded figures were running everywhere and leader guy was screaming in rage. Cops swarmed around, chasing and arresting every robed person they could get their hands on. For a while, our presence seemed entirely forgotten.

Finally the Duckboys and Welsh got through the sea of people, bringing us up to date with the current situation of me wanting the floor to open up and swallow me whole.

"Nice look, Vecchio," Dewey smirked and Huey chuckled.

I give them a death glare that would work better if I were in my usual clothes instead of these see-through black silk things. And God help me, they actually start giggling!

Fuuuucccck!!

"Cut it out detectives!" Welsh bellows. "Just untie them and find Vecchio something else to wear."

Thank you!! I wouldn't put it pasts the Duckboys to start selling tickets.

"Yes, sir!" And in no time at all, we're untied, un-gagged, and thankfully, not undressed. Dief appeared out of nowhere and starteds chewing on a piece of lamb.

My underwear seemed to have vanished without a trace and seeing how the Duckboys were sniggering, I had no choice but to yanked my jeans over the silky underwear-thingies. Couldn't wait to get home and get them off.

Did I mentioned how screwed up the night was?

After filling Welsh in on what happened, he sent us home with an order for a full report on his desk by lunchtime tomorrow. Fraser had insisted that, with the head injury I suffered, I should be in a hospital instead of going home, but I was in no mood to be poked and prodded by a bunch of doctors and nurses. I felt fine and I was going home.

The drive back to my apartment was silent. I was still a little pissed at Fraser, not because he'd gotten us into that mess, but cuz I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the precinct for the rest of my life. I was so pissed I didn't even bother dropping him back at the consulate. If he wanted to go back, he could just friggin' walk. If not, he had some clothes over at my place and there's the couch if he wanted it-definitely the couch. I was so not in the mood.

I stormed into my apartment, not caring if Fraser was following or not.

"Ray, are you angry?"

"Whaddaya think?!" I turned to face him. He was closer to me than I thought.

"I'm sorry, Ray." And before I can come up with a reply-not even "fuck you", he stepped into my space and kissed me. "I'm so sorry, Ray. I should've waited for back up."

"How many times have you told me that same thing Frase?"

"I... I don't know. I just couldn't help it Ray, and I can't explain it either. All I can say is I'm sorry, I really am."

He looked so miserable that thoughts of my humiliation in front of the Duckboys fled my mind. I dragged him over to the couch my arms around him, I said, "You've gotta stop acting like you've got nothin' to lose Frase. You've gotta stop doin' stupid stuff like this that'll get you killed someday."

"I'm sorry Ray, I really am."

"I know."

This time, I'm the one who kissed him. I can feel his hands over me, unbuttoning my shirt.

"Bed." I managed before he silences me with another kiss. Oh, wait. Wasn't I not...? Never mind.

Somehow, we made it to the room without tripping over anything, and Fraser was naked by the time we got to the bed. I ended up in the same state of dress, or undress, I was back at the warehouse, clad in the almost transparent black silk that I hadn't bothered to take off.

Fraser seemed transfixed as he moved his hands over my chest. Pulling me down, he kissed me again and then flipped us so he ended up on top. He kept staring at me as if he hasn't seen me before.

"What?" I ask.

"You're so beautiful. The silk moves with you, shimmering as though as it's part of you. The illumination of the moon, made you seem like something out of a fairy tale. So remarkably beautiful..." Fraser traileds off, still staring at me.

I can feel myself blushing. And the way he looked at me makes me re-visit this whole "worst night of my life" thing.

"Frase, did anyone ever tell you you talk too much?" Not giving him a chance to reply, I pull him down towards me for another kiss. By the end of it, the pants were gone and the shirt was halfway up my chest. I quickly got rid of it and shivered with satisfaction as we finally made full body contact.

Damn! That silk shirt thing must've really gotten to him. His hands and mouth were everywhere. I got so lost in sensation that I wasn't even really aware of what he was doing. Beyond words, I just moaned and hoped that Fraser gets it.

I groaned, or at least I think I did. I pushed back against him, demanding more. There's only the two of us in the universe and nothing else. When I came, it was almost a surprise. I felt Fraser coming in me and for a moment, everything sorta got outta focus. When I came back to myself, I was staring into a pair of worried eyes.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah," I managed. "That was... wow."

A familiar smile replaced the worried look "My smile", the smile specially reserved for me.

"I love you, Ray."

And all's right with the world... at least until a question entereds my mind.

"Frase,"

"Hmm?"

"What do you think they needed all that meat for?"

THE END.
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End .And The Cow Jumped Over The Moon by Eugenie Chua: genieweb@hotmail.com

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