There were supposed to be two more parts to this series, but now there'll be four. One letter I got about my stories made me realise that *I* know how Fraser and Ray got to be at this point, but that it's less than evident to my readers. I sure do love that constructive criticism!

In this, Fraser calls Ray a name in this I *know* is derogatory. Please shoot him, not me. I have a note at the end which might shed some light on this series.

This is the first of two prequels to 'A Darkness Inside Him' and 'Maybe Just Ugly'. There will also be two sequels.

Feel free to send comments, positive or negative to raven_free@hotmail.com You can visit my site at http://www.geocities.com/raven_free/

Before the Darkness Fell

By: Raven

We landed in bed together the first night we met, after I asked him out to dinner. He wasn't a bad looking fellow and I was lonely. And probably 'horny' as my lover would have said.

It wasn't bad. A little clumsy, but then again first times are always clumsy. He liked it a little rougher than I was used to giving, and that was fine. I'd never been rough in my love making with Ray, but if this scrawny Polack wanted it rough, then what better way for me to expel my anger at Ray's betrayal. Ray's leaving.

We used to talk during sex--mostly to give the other orders on what to do. Faster. Deeper. Slower. Harder.

I think I could have cared about him, maybe even loved him, but I had to remain loyal to Ray. I couldn't let myself enjoy it too much.

But, you know what? I did.

And I could bring myself to care enough about him to do what he wanted, but not enough to end it before it went too far. Before the darkness over came me. Before I fell into the abyss and it wasn't about sex anymore.

It was, though, for a long time. About sex and how good it felt to do it together.

One night, he suggested handcuffs. I'd never been into that before, but the idea turned me on. It was like this man tapped into a part of myself I didn't know existed.

I don't remember who suggested the belt. It was probably him.

By that point, it made sense.

I think he wanted it because he wanted me. Because he probably loved me at one point. And by the time I was raising welts, he was too far gone to ask me to stop. And I was angry enough to keep on going.

As the darkness fell, I knew I was lost.

~*~

The Fraser I've conjured up in here is not a Fraser that I'm particularly used to meeting with. But I know he exists. This is the Fraser who hates himself for his weaknesses, and also the Fraser who is loyal to the point of idiocy. And finally, the Fraser who is human. All three facets have clashed--his libido's out of whack, but he doesn't want to betray Vecchio, so he does so in a manner which doesn't bring him pleasure, so he can hate himself a little less. I'm not sure if this makes sense. It's not Kowalski that Fraser's so pissed with, but rather himself. Kowalski's is just giving him a convenient outlet. I'll try to explain Ray's role in his part.