The silence in the apartment was so thick you could just about cut it with a knife. Ray took another sip of his coffee, trying to make it last. Putting off the moment when he'd have to give Benny his answer.
It had all started a week ago. He wasn't even sure how it had started, except that suddenly Benny decided to talk, and when Benny talked there was usually trouble. This time was no exception. Benny had told him that he was in love with one Ray Vecchio, Chicago cop. He'd never expected to hear anything like this from his best friend. Not that he wasn't well aware that Benny was in love with him... he'd just never expected Benny to come out and say it.
Knowing it was one thing. Hearing Benny actually say it was something else entirely. In one moment it had turned his whole life upside down. He'd managed to mumble out some kind of response and then fled.
Next day, Benny had shown up at the Precinct looking pale and tired, as though he hadn't slept much the night before. Ray knew he looked no better. He'd dragged Benny into the closet, and even that felt like somehow they were telling the world what was happening between them, even if it wasn't really happening...
Benny had tried to apologise, to promise he'd never speak of it again. He should have left it at that, but Benny looked so miserable even in the dim light of the closet. Hell, he hadn't needed the light... Benny's voice had given him away completely. That beautiful voice, rough with pain and longing. He'd reached over and touched Benny's cheek gently and the voice had trembled into silence.
"Benny, don't do this to yourself. You didn't do anything wrong."
"But..."
He'd leaned forward. "Benny. What you feel... well, I feel it too. But it's just not that easy. This is the real world we're living in, not fantasy land. People who feel like we do... you know what the world calls them. You know what would happen if people found out about us. I don't want that Benny."
Without him noticing, Benny had taken hold of his hand, clasping it tightly between both of his own. "Ray, not everybody feels that way about gays. We'd still have friends. We'd make new friends, ones who didn't care that we were gay. We'd be together. Always."
God, it had been so hard to pull back. He'd wanted to surrender, had wanted it from almost the first time they'd met. He'd never met anyone so beautiful as this man. Beautiful through and through, so much so that it made his heart ache to look at him. It was an ache that he'd accepted gladly, in return for Benny's friendship. But he'd never had any intention of taking it further than that, not even when he'd realised that everything he felt for Benny, Benny also felt for him.
Ray drew his hand free and leaned back against the wall, unable to speak for a moment. He took a deep breath. "Benny, I can't just..." He couldn't say it. "Look, just give me some time, OK?"
"How much time, Ray?" Benny's voice was subdued. He knew, Ray realised, but he was willing to play along, maybe hoping against every instinct that Ray would change his mind. Benny had very good instincts.
"A week. Is that all right?"
"Yes." A whisper, that was all. He knew.
That had been a week ago today. Now it was time for him to tell Benny what he'd decided. If only he knew how to do it. He glanced up and saw Ben watching him, his face perfectly blank, his coffee untouched.
"Benny..."
Benny leaned forward. "It's all right Ray. You don't have to do this."
Even his voice was under control today. Typical of Benny to try to make things easier for him.
"Yes I do, Benny. I owe you that, at least."
Benny frowned slightly, shaking his head. "You don't owe me anything Ray. You're my friend. You always will be, no matter what else happens."
"Don't. Don't, all right? Just let me say this." Ray paused, waiting for Benny's acknowledgement. It came in the form of a brief nod. "This isn't the first time I've felt something for a guy, OK? But the other times it was different. They were nice guys, I liked them a lot, but that was as far as it went. It didn't matter that I was sleeping with them because I knew it wouldn't change anything. I can't do that with you. If I let you... I couldn't do that with you and carry on as if nothing had changed. And I don't want my life to change. Not that much. To have you, I'd have to give up everything else in my life. My family, my job, my church. I can't do that."
"Surely it's not as bad as that, Ray. Would your family really..."
"Yes, they would, Benny. You haven't heard them talk about this. I have. And the church... well, sure they have Catholic gay groups, but they're not really a part of the church, and they're sure not part of my church. The one my family's gone to since before I was born. And I wouldn't actually lose my job. They can't fire me for being gay, but they can make sure I'm so loaded down with paperwork I don't get a chance to do real police work. Unless they need someone to cover a gay bashing or something like that. And if I still went ahead and did it? Gave up everything? How long would it be before I started hating you for it? Better not to start at all."
Benny was staring down at his coffee cup. "I can't fault your argument, Ray. I'm sorry. I should never have said anything. I just wanted..." He bit his lip and finally looked up again. "We can still be friends, though. Can't we Ray?"
He heard the uncertainty in Benny's voice and cursed. How could he know? He couldn't possibly know. But he'd guessed there was something...
"The thing is... the thing is, Benny, I've been offered an assignment." An assignment he probably would have turned down a week ago, but now he was jumping at the chance. "It's an undercover operation. It's a fantastic opportunity for me."
"How long, Ray?" Benny's face was unreadable.
"Six months at least. Maybe longer." Benny's eyes flinched away from his. "Hey. It's not forever. And it's come at a good time. It'll give us a chance to get through this. Get some perspective. And when I'm back, it'll be like it was before. You know, friends."
Who was he trying to kid? But Benny didn't respond except to stand up and carry his untouched coffee to the washbasin and pour it away. It was a signal, of a kind and he took it. He stood, eyeing Benny nervously.
"I'd better go, Benny. I've got a lot of arrangements to make. I'll have to put the Riv in storage. Stuff like that."
"Of course. I don't suppose I'll have a chance to see you again before..." Benny looked up at him finally. "Be careful, Ray. Don't take any unnecessary risks."
He found a grin from somewhere and plastered it across his face. It felt unreal. "Nah. You know me. I'm into playing it safe."
That probably wasn't the best thing he could have said right now. The grin vanished at the sight of Benny's face. He went out before he could say something even more stupid and hurtful.
He was halfway down the block before he remembered his gloves. He'd left them on the table. For a moment he considered leaving them there, but they'd been a gift from Ma and she'd be upset if he lost them. He swore under his breath and executed a fast, and illegal, U-turn, heading back the way he'd come.
He was dreading going back into Benny's apartment. He did what he usually did in these situations, jumped right in without thinking. He raced up the stairs and down the hallway, flinging the door open and marching straight in.
"Hey Benny, I left..." His voice trailed to a stop.
Benny was sitting on the edge of his bed, elbows on his thighs, his hands dangling between his knees, holding so tightly to Ray's gloves that his knuckles were white. He looked up and Ray's heart gave a painful lurch. The pale cheeks were covered with a sheet of tears.
He couldn't move and Benny seemed to realise this, because after a moment he stood and walked over. He hadn't even tried to wipe away the tears. Not that he could have, they were still falling down his cheeks as he walked. He stopped in front of Ray and held out the gloves in silence.
"Oh God... Benny..." This was unbearable. Ray took the one step forward that was needed and flung his arms around the one man who, more than any other, he had never wanted to hurt. Even then, Benny made no response, until Ray kissed him.
It was the most wonderful, the most terrifying kiss Ray had ever experienced. Benny's arms were around him now, holding him tightly and nothing mattered more than the feel of those warm lips on his own. He groaned aloud at the exquisite pleasure of it. Benny had only to continue holding him, to take him over to the bed and lay him on it, to undress him and make love to him and Ray would never be able to leave. He wondered if Benny knew that. Ray suspected that he did. He was sure of it a moment later when Benny released him, stepped back and held out the gloves.
He took them. Wiped his face with them, wet not only with Benny's tears... and left.
*
six weeks later...
He shouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't stop himself. The need to see Benny had been haunting him for days. Ever since he'd heard... He parked his cheap, anonymous Japanese car across the road from the Consulate, but he didn't get out. It was nearly five o'clock, nearly time for Benny to finish work.
The first couple of weeks had been a painful blur. He wouldn't have been surprised if Benny had packed up and gone back to Canada, but that hadn't happened. At least not yet. Maybe it just hadn't sunk in. He'd heard that Benny was continuing to visit the Precinct. That didn't particularly surprise him, he knew Benny counted Elaine and Huey among his friends. Then he'd heard that Benny had made a new friend there, some detective or other.
It had hurt. God it had hurt. At first he couldn't believe it. But what right did he have to expect Benny to be alone just because Ray couldn't be with him? Had chosen not to be with him. He kept telling himself that. Over and over, endlessly. And it didn't make the slightest bit of difference.
This was stupid. He reached for the keys, found himself looking in the wrong place as usual... he'd never get used to this car. Then he heard the clock strike five.
He was still sitting there when Benny appeared in the doorway of the Consulate. He hesitated a moment on the top step, his eyes searching the street and for a moment Ray wondered if Benny was looking for him. Then there was a shout from further down the street and Benny's head turned towards the source. Ray watched as a tall dark-haired man came down the street and Benny lifted a hand and walked towards him. They stood for a moment talking then turned together to walk down the street together. The other guy threw back his head laughing at something Benny had said and then put his arm casually around Benny's shoulders.
He'd seen enough. Too much. He found the keys at last and took off, heedless of the other traffic. They weren't lovers, they couldn't be. Not yet. But how long would it be? Benny had been so lonely when Ray met him, and now he was lonely again. Why shouldn't he find someone who could give him what Ray had refused? Face it, he had four and a half months at least before this assignment was over. And undercover work was dangerous. It was better this way. And when he was free again, maybe Benny would still want his friendship. And maybe not.