Rating: PG
Genre: Slash
Category: AU Angst
Pairings: Fraser/Vecchio
Spoilers: Bad language.
Teaser: Fraser makes a decision based on what he might regret later.
Originally posted to RedSuitsYou@egroups.com - April 2000.
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Standard Disclaimer: due South and it's characters belong to Alliance.
I just use them for fun. Hopefully they will return to their world unharmed
and ready for other people to play with them.
Fraser stood outside the consulate, worrying the brim of his stetson between his fingers. Looking down at his highly polished boots, he frowned. Nothing in his life was ever easy. Each time he took a chance to reach out, to crush the loneliness within him...he always managed to do the wrong thing. But now he knew what he was about to do was right. If he didn't do it, he would regret not trying for the rest of his life.
As the Riv pulled up to the curb, Fraser stepped forward. Opening the door he slid into his customary spot. He kept his stetson firmly in his lap. He smiled to himself. People always joked with him about it having protective powers. He always ended up hurt when he didn't wear it. He hoped that this was true.
He could see that Ray was stiff. He must have sensed something in these past few days between them. An uneasiness existed where there once was nothing but a comfortable feeling. Well, Ray hadn't made it to detective by being stupid. He had figured out that something was wrong between them and was waiting for any indication of it.
"So, how was your day Benny?" *Nice job Ray. You sound like his freaking wife.* Fraser fidgeted slightly, causing a chill to run down Ray's spine. *Here it comes.* "It was...acceptable." "That's good." They drove in silence for a few minutes before Fraser finally worked up the courage to say what needed to be said. "Ray...we need to talk."
Ray quickly pulled the Riv off to the side of the road. Jerking the gear shift into park, he tightly gripped the steering wheel. Taking a deep breath, he turned to look at Fraser, seeing his clear blue-grey eyes staring back at him. Normally that stare would cause his blood to pound through his veins in delight. Now....his heart beat in a rhythm of fear. He decided to play it tough.
"So talk." Fraser blinked, unsettled by Ray's bland attitude. Nervously licking his lower lip, Fraser tried to remain calm. This wasn't going to be easy for him to do. Nothing was ever easy. "Ray...I can't...I can't do this any longer. It's not what I want...what I need." Ray slammed his hand down on the steering wheel. "What?! What don't you want, huh? What in the 'hell' is wrong with you?" Fraser swallowed hard. This was going to be worse than he had anticipated.
"I can't do this to you any longer Ray." Ray laughed humorously. "Oh, now you tell me! You haven't had a problem doing it with me for the past month have you?" Fraser looked back at Ray, feeling his face grow hot. "Was it a joke Benny? Huh? Was this all a joke to you? Or was it some kinda twisted Eskimo ritual that you had to do?" Fraser sighed. "They're Inuit, Ray." Ray stabbed a finger in Fraser's chest as he spoke. "I don't give a 'fuck' what they're called. We're talking about 'you' and 'me'."
Ray could feel himself breaking down as he looked at Fraser. His voice cracked. "Why are you doing this? What did I do?" Fraser ran a thumb along his brow, blinking back tears. "You haven't done anything Ray. It's me. I'm what's wrong." Fraser tired to rest his hand on Ray's arm in a comforting gesture, only to have it shrugged off. "Don't touch me." Fraser looked sadly at him. "I'm, sorry Ray."
"You're sorry? You're sorry?! What?! You're sorry you fucked me or you're sorry for something you've done? What...are you doing Turnbull or something? You got some office romance going on that I don't know about?" Fraser could feel his chest tightening up. "No Ray, Constable Turnbull and I are not involved." "Okay, then what's the name of the guy?"
"I'm not with anyone else Ray. I don't believe in...multiple relationships." "Okay, you're dumping me first. What's his name?" Fraser averted his face from Ray. He couldn't stand seeing him torn apart like this. Ray screamed at him. "Damn it! What's his name!" Fraser kept his face down, looking at the stetson in his lap, his voice a whisper. "It's Meg, Ray." The silence in the car was deafening. "Look at me!" Fraser raised his eyes to look at Ray's face. It was a mixture of hurt, anger and disbelief. "Thatcher? The Dragon Lady? You're fucking me over for that bitch?"
Ray shook his head and laughed bitterly. "I guess she sucks a mean cock, huh Benny?" "Ray...it's not like that." "Oh let me guess. You two share pure and beautiful intimate moments. You have loving sex, not dirty disgusting fucks with me." "Ray it's not like that at all." "Then tell me what it's like. Does she fuck your brains out? Is she into whips and leather?" "Ray..." "Does she get off on watching you jerk off?" "Ray..." "No...I got it..she likes you to jerk off 'on' her, then you fuck her up the ass, pretending she's a guy." "That's enough!"
It was bad enough that he had to put Ray through this, but he wasn't about to let him make Thatcher a part of it. "Ray...we aren't involved. She doesn't even know how I feel about her." Fraser saw a look of shock come over Ray. Then the red flush of anger. "So, you're fucking me over for a dream? You want a woman, the house and the kids in the yard." "Ray, I need to do this. If I don't find out if she feels the same way...it wouldn't have been fair to you. I would be with you, but I would always wonder if things would have worked with her."
Ray closed his eyes. "Fine. Get out of my car." "Ray, I'm sorry." His eyes snapped open and he jerked his head to yell at Fraser. "I said get the 'fuck' out of my car!" He quickly turned his face away again to look out the windshield. His knuckles were white as he twisted his hands on the steering wheel. Fraser opened the door and silently got out of the Riv. The moment he shut the door, Ray slammed the car into gear. The tires spun in place and when they finally found their traction on the pavement, they squealed loudly, leaving black marks.
Fraser watched the Riv drive down the road and out of sight. He didn't know if Ray could ever forgive him. He knew he had hurt him badly. He should have never gotten involved with him at all. At least not while he had these intense feeling that he had for Thatcher. Fraser had hoped that once he started the relationship with Ray, that he would have forgotten all about her. He had tried to replace the feel of her lips on his with those of another lover, but it wasn't what he needed. He needed Meg. No matter what his body did, his heart overruled it all.
He could never love Ray, not when he felt the way he did about Thatcher. Her soft skin and sweet smell called to him. Ray was sensual, but he was muscular and musky. Shaking his head, Fraser smiled. *What did you expect? He's a man.* Placing his stetson on his head, he began to walk back to the consulate. He found a lightness in his step that hadn't been there this passing month.
His relationship with Ray had been a denial of his true feelings for Thatcher. The closer he got toward the consular building, the better he felt. Maybe some day Ray would forgive him. Maybe they could be friends again. But now he needed to talk with Thatcher. He needed to let her know just what she meant to him. Maybe for once in his life, things would be easy. Maybe she would say she loved him, the way that he loved her.