This idea came to me when Tam issued a challenge where Vecchio episodes are re-written with Kowalski in them. Took me *ages* to get this down. IMO, it's not one of my best work despite Mia's best effort in betaing it, but it was fun to write nonetheless. :)

Big thanks to Mia's beta effort. Oh! "The Raffle" just arrived in my mailbox today! YAY! Nick Lea and CKR... *bg* And a huge thanks to Taleya for suggesting the title!

Disclaimers: Not mine, the Aussie dollar is plunging like Niagara Fall so I'm poorer than usual thus no point in suing. You won't get a single cent outta me and I'll just smack ya with my constitutional law text book. Trust me, it'll put you into a coma.

Warnings: MAJOR spoilers for Some Like It Red. In fact some of the dialogue are directly lifted from the ep, at least Fraser's, and it'll probably make more sense if you've seen the ep. Oh, and some might find this funny, so I'll suggest you put down the Diet Coke first... :)

May 2000

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Some Like it Red.... And Some Like it Hot

By Eugenie Chua

"Perhaps I could help." A feminine voice said after the phone slammed down.

Ray Kowalski turned around. That voice, that voice...holy shit!!

Fraser in a dress?! Constable Benton 'all-proper-straighter-than-an-arrow-Mountie' Fraser in a dress?! That was simply not possible. But there he was, standing right in front of him, in the squad room, in a dress. Complete with wig, make-up, (Fraser in make-up? Ray could almost hear the theme from Twilight Zone playing in his head.) stockings and high heels.

"Fraser?!" Ray managed to croak out. His mouth had suddenly become dry. Very dry.

As usual, the Mountie had gone out of his way to help people, but this time, Ray was sure it had gone too far. In a dress?! What would Welsh think if he found out? For that matter, what would the Ice Queen think? She would probably freak out so bad that she'd have Fraser fired for good this time. God, why did the Mountie always get into all these weird situations? What had he done in his previous life to deserve this?

The Ice Queen had wanted Fraser to track down some sort of whiskey or another for some General who was visiting from the frozen north. Fraser hadn't had the faintest idea where in Chicago could he find the brew and had approached Ray for help. Ray, being the good friend, took him to a few bars in town that might carry the rare whiskey.

Of course nothing could be that simple with the Mountie. Noo... He had to bump into a nun, breaking the whiskey in the process (Ray couldn't help but wonder if its God's idea of running an anti-alcohol campaign.) then offer to help the nun in distress, a great looking nun, but still a nun nonetheless. Things got worse when they discovered Sister Annie was an old high school buddy of Vecchio and Ray had to make up some story on the spot to cover his tracks. Fraser, being a true partner, had asked Ray to help and Ray, in a moment of temporary insanity, had said yes. Now, he had to pay the consequences. Fraser in a dress.

* * *

Fuck! I gotta get outta here before I pounce him or crash!

He glanced at the mirror for the who knows how many times. Fraser half-in half-out of his disguise was the most erotic and arousing image he had ever seen in his life. No, make that get him outta here, after all, this is my car/

Fraser, oblivious (as usual), of the effect he had on Ray continued to read Celine's diary out loud.

"Listen to this Ray: 'The scent of pungent flowers drifted into the crypt like gossamer lace as my love took me into his powerful arms and made love to me.'"

You have no idea Benton Buddy! No idea... Ray thought. Out loud, he said: "Huh. She's a poet."

The car shook a little.

"What the hell is going on back there?!" Ray asked, taking another glance at the mirror. "Hang on a sec, I don't think I wanna know. So," Ray said, changing the topic, "Anything else in the diary?" Hoping that getting his mind focused on the case would get him distracted from certain things happening in the back seat of his car.

Fraser let out a grunt and commented, "Ray, I think that the person who invented panty hose should be brought up on charges of cruelty, sadism and reckless endangerment. They pinch in the most inappropriate places."

Jesus H Christ! Breathe Kowalski, in, out, in, out, in, out...that's it. Deep relaxing breaths... The distraction plan wasn't working as well as he planned.

"Um...well, most people who wear'em don't have...ah...those places." Ray said carefully, shifting slightly in his seat. "Come on, what else did it say in the diary?"

Distraction, gotta get myself distracted from this or we'll never make it to the Consulate...

"Well...'Cries of ecstasy burst from me as the fire had branded the depths of my soul with a love that could never be quenched. I gift to him with a treasure of gold and time and he gifted me with his love.' "

Uh huh.

"So, ah...all we have ta do is find this guy whom she gifted with 'a treasure of gold and time' and all that and we find her."

"Yes."

"Treasure of gold and time. Gold and time, gold and time...A gold watch!" Ray concluded.

"Exactly." The Mountie agreed.

"Anything else in the diary that might give us a clue on who this guy is?"

"Nothing that I can find, but I did notice that the handyman Todd was a vintage 1930 audemares-piquet, moon phase chronometer in 18 carrot gold. Only 100 were made," Fraser replied.

"Huh?!"

"A very rare gold watch, Ray."

"Oh. Ok, so we check this Todd guy out," Ray said as he turned the corner that'll lead them to the Consulate.

Glancing at the mirror again despite his best judgment, Ray realized that Fraser, finally in his uniform, was still wearing earrings and make-up

"Uh, Frase. Even though ya look great in make up and all, I don't think the Ice Queen would appreciate it." Ray mentally kicked himself in the head as soon as the words left his lips.

Now he's gonna know I've got the hots for him.

However, Fraser seemed too preoccupied to notice his slip. He took a good look of himself in the mirror and muttered an "Oh dear," before grooming himself back into a perfect little Mountie.

Thank God.

* * *

"So?" Ray asked as soon as they walked out of the antique store.

"So what, Ray?"

"So what's the weather tomorrow! Whaddaya think?! What did ya find out after that disgusting thing you did with da flask?" In reality, Ray had been wishing that he was in said flask's place, not that he was going to let Fraser know about that.

"Ah."

"Ah?"

"I recognized the spores on the flask Ray. It comes from the same fungus I found on the bottom of Celine's shoes."

"Hang on. Yer telling me that she found that flask in school?"

"It would appeared so, yes. And there's a name engraved on the flask; Frank Netti."

"Frank who?" Ray opened the passenger side door for Fraser.

"He was Al Capone's right hand man. Thank you Ray."

"Yer welcome. Elliot Ness's gun," Ray mused. "Netti's flask. What? Ghost of Capone holding a garage sale or somethin'?" Ray asked as he got behind the wheel.

"I really doubt that's possible Ray. Though story has it that Al Capone's brother-in-law Vito Masushi, built a vault somewhere in the city to hide all the wealth he accumulated. But nobody ever found the vault."

"So, yer saying that this vault is in St. Fortuna?"

"I believe so, yes."

"Heh. Tuna and sushi."

"I beg your pardon Ray?"

"Nothing. Look, I'll drop ya off at the school first, then I had ta head back to the precinct to get some real police work done before Welsh chews my ass off. I'll meet ya there at the end of my shift."

"Thank you kindly, Ray. And I'm sorry that I've kept you from work."

"Yeah? Then make sure ya appreciate the sacrifice I made for ya."

"I do."

"Good."

* * *

Ray gladly ditched his paperwork as soon as his shift was over and headed over to St. Fortuna, only to find Fraser dancing with some dork.

He had stood at the door for a few minutes, watching Fraser dance before he decided that he'd had enough of Mister-thinks-he-can-dance-real-cool and cut in.

"Thank you." Fraser said.

" 'S nothin'." With that, Ray gracefully glided into the rhythm of the music with a smug grin on his face, knowing he easily beat Fraser's previous dance partner.

"I didn't realize you could dance." Fraser sounded surprised.

"Well, there's a lot ya don't know about me. And who still does disco anyway?"

"The St. Fortuna School apparently."

"Geez, poor kids. So, ya found the vault?" Ray asked, leading Fraser into a spin.

"No, but Melissa," Fraser answered. "Seemed to be acting rather anxious this evening. I think Celine has contacted her."

"So, all we had ta do is follow her."

"Yes.... Oh dear." Fraser replied after taking a look around the hall.

"What?"

"It appears that Melissa is gone."

Ray lead Fraser into an elegant series of steps that effectively brought them to the exit without looking suspicious to anyone who might be watching.

* * *

Fraser managed to track Melissa to the basement of the school. They discovered the vault, took out the bad guys and blew Fraser's cover. So, now they were in front of the school with uniforms escorting the perps back for processing.

"You're a very good dancer, Ray." Fraser commented as they walked towards Ray's car.

"Yer not too bad yerself."

"Thank you kindly. Though I'm unsure if those moves required your hands to be where they were"

"Ya saying that I groped ya?"

"Well, in a manner of speaking."

"Did not," Ray denied.

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"As if ya didn't do some...uh...investigation yerself."

Resting his hands on the hood of the car on the driver's side, Ray gave Fraser a knowing look.

"I most certainly did not!" The Mountie protested, his most innocent expression on his face.

"Really?" A little grin tugged at the corner at his mouth.

"Most certainly Ray. It wouldn't be appropriate under the circumstances. Not in front of all of the students."

"Hmm...my mistake then, mustta been that dork you were dancing with who grabbed my ass."

"Well, whoever it was, it certainly wasn't me." The innocent expression was still firmly in place when he opened the car door.

"Admit it Fraser, ya did some exploring yerself," Ray pressed on, a silly grin finally appearing on his face.

"Did not! If my hands were ever anywhere near you, it was purely accidental."

"Groping," Ray said as he took his seat.

"Coincidence."

"Groping."

"A fluke."

"Groping." Ray insisted as he started the engine.

"All right! Groping." Fraser finally gave up.

"Thank you." The grin on his face turned into a smile at Fraser's admission.

"You're perfectly welcome."

"So, ya have any plans tonight?" Ray asked as he drove.

"Nothing that I'm aware of. Why?"

"Well, I thought I'd invite ya over ta um...dance."

"Ah...I'd like that very much."

"Good."

Each occupant of the car had a satisfied smile on their faces as they sped off into the (not so) cold Chicago night.

THE END.

Love it? Hate it? Think that I've finally gone over the edge?? Lemme know here!! :)