Disclaimer : The characters are not mine... They belong to a lot of very nice people who wouldn't sue me.... would you?
Part 7 in the 'Whether or Not' Series
Any trouble finding any part of this series drop me an email by clicking on my name below TYK
Tor looked up at her boss and went to shake his hand. "Thank you for everything."
She was seven months pregnant by now and all had gone along really well, much to her surprise. The morning sickness had subsided and she was feeling really well. Ben kept telling her she was 'blooming', to which she always replied. "Yeah, bloomin' fat." They had discussed her stopping work and by seven months she was finding the long shifts a bit hard to take. Which is why she was in Dr. Green's office on her last day of work...
"No problems, you look after yourself and the little one now."
"I will."
"Do you know what it is yet."
"Well it feels like a minky whale but I hope it's a baby... " Tor smiled and gave Dr. Green the answer he wanted. "No, Ben and I wanted to have a surprise."
"Well what ever it is, I know it will be well taken care of."
"Thank you."
"So I'll see you back here in a year then?"
"Yes, it's very kind of you to let me take a full year's leave. But you will come and visit me when the baby's born, won't you?"
"Try and keep me away. You know, kindness had nothing to do with it, you're one of the best attendings we've had. I don't know how we'll manage without you."
"Well I hear that my replacement is supposed to be hot stuff."
"Too hot. He's liable to blow at any time."
"Well good luck then."
"I think we'll need it."
Tor looked down at her enormous belly, "So might I."
*****
"Come on you two, get your coats I'm taking you out to dinner." Ben swung round the back door having returned from work, Pearson, close by at his heels.
"What about Pearson?" Beth asked.
"He's coming. Where we are going, he can go too."
"Where *are* we going?" Tor asked.
"The Vecchio household, apparently Ray has an announcement."
"So they've set the day have they? At this rate they'll be beating us down the aisle." Tor said, putting two and two together.
"Well it's you that didn't want to get married 'til after the baby was born."
"Look, who wants to look like a beached whale in their wedding photos?"
"You always look beautiful to me."
"Creep." Tor retorted as she grabbed her jacket. "You know we really should think about names.. I suppose if it's a boy it should be called Robert." She said as they climbed into the car.
"No." Ben shouted.
"Ohh." Tor was slightly taken aback she'd always assumed that is what he would want to call his son and she said as much to him.
"I want our child to have his own identity." he responded.
"Well Beth has my mother's name."
"I suppose. You never knew your Mother though, and my father was a huge influence on me and almost a legend in his own life time."
"Umm, just like his son. It's not easy being married to a legend." for in her eyes they were already married in all but law.
"It's not easy being a legend's son. To carry his name would have been unbearable, to always be compared. No, it's not fair. Robert is out of the question."
"So not Robert then.... have you any ideas?"
"How about Joshua. I always liked that name."
"Joshua, Joss, Josh." She rolled the variations round her mouth. "Joshua Fraser. Doesn't exactly flow does it?"
"Umm.... maybe not. David?"
Tor looked down "I already have a son called, David."
Ben looked mortified. How could he have let something that important slip from his mind. "I'm sorry, that was very tactless."
"Forgiven." Tor smiled weakly at him.
"Can we call him Edward?" Beth piped up from the back.
"Edward, Eddie, Ted....Edward Fraser." Tor repeated. "Sounds almost regal, I like it."
"I concur. I like it too. OK... Edward for a boy... that was easy. Good job, Beth. Now what about a girl?"
"Charlotte." Ben and Tor said at exactly the same time.
"Are you telepathic?" Tor asked.
"No. I always liked that name, there was a girl in our village called Charlotte.." there was a wistful, twinkly look in the Mountie's eye.
"I know I don't want to hear this inuit story." Tor smiled at him.
"No, I don't think you do."
******
There were a number of cars sitting outside the Vecchio's house, leaving little room to park. Tor pulled up along side a fire hydrant and was about to take the keys out of the ignition when Ben 'tutted' at her.
"What now?"
"You're parked next to a fire hydrant."
"So?"
"So I'll have to give you a ticket."
"You have no jurisdiction here."
"No but Ray does."
"And Ray won't give me a ticket. Come on Mountie Man." She jumped from the car and opened the back door for Beth, who hopped down. "You coming?"
He looked once more at the hydrant and shrugged, remaining firmly sat in the car. Tor sighed and chucked the keys at him and he slid across into the driver's seat to move it to a more legal location.
When Tor and Beth went through the front door, it was obvious what they had walked into. White flowers were on every surface, and white ribbons were draped around the banisters all the way up the stairs. They had walked into a wedding.
Meg desended down the stairs in a beautiful ivory silk dress, stunning in its simplicity.
"Oh my god, I can't believe this Meg." Tor hugged the woman close, well as close as they could with seven months worth of pregnancy between them. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Then it wouldn't have been a surprise."
"But I'm not dressed..."
"You will be," Meg cut in.
"You could have told me, I can keep a secret."
"Well that's a bit difficult when you were the one we were all keeping the secret from."
"Why did you not want me to know you were getting married?" Tor was getting more confused.
"Because it's not Meg that's getting married." Ben appeared at the door in his best dress uniform, white gloves in hand.
"Hang on... are you telling me?" Tor was finally beginning to see what was happening.
Ben dropped to one knee. "Marry me.... now."
"I...I...I... errr... yes."
Ben rose to his feet and whispered in her ear. "Just call it revenge for you ruining the first proposal." and he kissed her on the cheek.
"I'll get you one day, Mountie Man."
"I am sure you will, but today you're mine." he grinned smugly, almost wickedly at her.
Frannie appeared with a large garmet carrier. "I think it's time you changed."
*****
"I'll never get into that. Look at me." Tor looked at the dress and then at her bulge.
"Ohh... Ma's fabulous at altering clothes, come on put it on."
In fact, the dress needed little alteration. The hem was taken up quickly with the two Vecchio women working together, and the bodice was altered slightly so that it fit round her midriff. She looked at herself in Francesca's full length mirror as she put on the jewellery that Ben had given her for Christmas.
"I still look pregnant."
"You *ARE* pregnant."
"*That* is besides the point."
"You look beautiful." Frannie fiddled with her hair and wafted a make up brush over her cheeks.
*****
"For Better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death us do part." Tor had to fight the urge to add a 'for fatter, for thinner' in amongst the other vows.
"I give this ring as a token of my love and affection...." Ben spoke without prompt. It was obvious he had rehearsed the whole thing numerous times. The plain gold band slipped easily on to her finger and as it did the tears started to roll down her cheeks.
"I receive this ring as a token..." She replied to his words.
"You may kiss the bride." The celebrant said as the ceremony drew to a close.
"MAKE IT ONE SHE WONT FORGET." The heckler was Stan, who was stood somewhere near the back of the room.
The couple turned and smiled at the cop before Ben took his advice and swept her into his arms, kissing her forcefully, deeply on her mouth. Taking her breath away.
Ray took his moment and as the couple broke off, he walked to the front of the room. "I have no intention of stealing my best friend's thunder but if I could just have you're attention for a moment." He fumbled in his pocket, glad he hadn't got the rings mixed up. "Most of you know that the Meg and I have had a 'contact' as she would put it for a while..." he winked at her, flashing her a wonderful smile. "..and now, on this gloriously sunny day and with all my friends present I would like to ask her if she would be my wife." He turned to Meg and dropped to his knees. "Dragon Lady... I'm begging you, Marry me."
She stood in shock for a short while. "I don't know.... I ... I... Oh God... Ray... I ... wasn't expecting this."
"Is that a yes or a no...?"
She smiled and place her hands on his shoulders urging him to stand up. "It's a yes."
He jumped to his feet, lifted her from the floor and whirled her round.
"Do I get the ring now?" Meg asked, looking at the huge diamond ring Ray had placed on his little finger. He pulled it off and slipped it on hers, before he kissed her.
"You're supposed to do the ceremony before you get to that bit." The celebrant joked at the couple.
"Will you do it... now?" Meg asked the celebrant.
"What?" Ray asked.
"Marry us now."
"We can't do that. We haven't got a licence."
"Marry us anyway... we can do it again, properly later." Meg said before whispering in Ray's ear. "That way we get to have two wedding nights."
This appealed to Ray who promptly agreed. Meg took the diamond ring off her finger and gave it back to Ray. "Until you get a proper one." she said.
*****
Ben and Tor left the Vecchio's well after midnight. Beth had been put to bed in one of Maria's children's bedrooms and Mrs. Vecchio had insisted that she stay the night, so that Ben and Tor could have their wedding night alone. As they pulled into the driveway, Ben reached across and kissed Tor's neck.
"Could you wait until I've at least parked the car properly?" she asked, half serious, half joking.
"No." came the reply as he pulled her across onto his knee.
She kissed him back before jumping out of the car and running for the house. He was hot on her heels and as she fumbled with the key in the lock he wrapped his arms round her stomach to feel the baby kick.
"It's asleep." she said as the door swung open.
"Really?" He asked, "Shall we see if we can wake it up?" As he slammed the door shut behind them.
*****1 month later*****
Tor wandered into the nursery. It was the perfect room. Two weeks earlier after much arguing about colour schemes and paint effects, Ben had taken over and gone in the room with numerous cans of paint and an assortment of brushes, locking the door behind him. Tor had hammered on the door, demanding to be let in, but he had just stuck his head out and said "Don't you trust me?"
"No." she had replied immediately.
"Well if you don't like it you can paint it over again." and with that he shut the door and was in there for many hours. When he finally re emerged from the room, he was covered in flecks of paint and had a huge grin on his face. "What do you think?"
It was breathtaking. He had painted an amazing mural on the walls. It was a river. Caribou were drinking from it, brown bears and otters fished. Trees grew against the background of snow capped mountains. Over the antique pine crib a waterfall torrented down. It was as if you could walk into the picture and lose yourself in the Canadian wilderness. The ceiling was painted with stars and moons and planets on one side and the sun and a rainbow on the other, blended in the centre of the room so that it made one complete sky, day turning gradually into night. It was truly remarkable.
"Wow." Tor finally managed.
"I thought a mural might be nice."
"That's not a mural it's a master piece."
"You like it?"
"Like isn't the word. Have you ever been in the Cistene Chapel?"
"No."
"I have and that's the only time I ever got a feeling like this. You are one, truly fabulous artist. Is there anything you can't do?"
"Drive a car."
"True, true... Hey Beth, come and look at what Daddy did for the baby."
Beth peeped through the door way and said, "Like my Barbie wall paper better." before marching off.
"You know what her trouble is, don't you?" Tor laughed at her daughter's response
Ben raised a questioning eye brow at her as he waited for the answer.
"Too Americanised by far."
Now, two weeks later, she found the room extremely relaxing. She sat in the rocker that had been delivered less than an hour ago and turned on the radio. Ben, Beth and Pearson were in the back yard constructing a den or a lean-to or building a fire or something. So all alone in the house Tor took the opportunity to relax. She was in that pleasant moment between wakefulness and sleep when something on the radio grabbed her attention.
"We interrupt this broadcast to bring you some local news. An elevated train has been derailed causing havoc in the city, dropping almost fifty feet on to the street below. The emergency services are unable to estimate at this time, how many casualties there are, but minute by minute the count is rising. The city is appealing for off duty emergency staff to return to work as the massive implications of this crisis unfold."
"BEN!" Tor screamed as she ran down the stairs.
Ben was at the back door in an instant. "Are you all right? Is it the baby?"
"No, I'm fine... on the radio... There's been a train derailed, they're appealing for emergency staff. I'm going in."
"You can't."
"Why not?"
"You're pregnant."
"Like that's going to stop me. Look the worst that could happen now is that I go into premature labour. And from where I'm standing that doesn't look like such a bad option. The baby will be fine. "
"I'm not sure."
"Look, if it was Beth on that train you'd want there to be someone to help her wouldn't you?"
Ben nodded and gave in. "I'm coming too, there must be something I can do."
"I'll drop you at Ray's, it's his day off, but I'm sure he'll go in too. Ask Mrs. Vecchio if she'll look after Beth, I'm sure she will given the circumstances."
"Good plan." Ben agreed and they ran for the car.
*****
"Hi Mark." Tor tapped Dr. Green on his shoulder.
"Tor.... what are you doing here?"
"Why don't you ask a stupid question...? I heard the appeal."
"Well I won't say we don't need the help... Could you go into chairs and see what's what there, if they can be 'treated and streeted' do it. We want to get as many people out as possible... It's only going to get worse in here."
"I'm on it."
She strode into the waiting area and looked at the stickers they all wore. She'd read the disaster procedure a hundred times but never once had to use it. Now she scanned the room, taking in the colours of stickers. Red for urgent, yellow for soon, green for non urgent and blue for go home now. There was of course a fifth colour, black, but you didn't find code black in the waiting room. There were more than a fifty people there.
She scanned the room, and picked the top chart of the pile. "Desmond Wilson, come on down!" she shouted. A tall man picked up a baby and walked towards her and that's when she felt the slight pain in her side. No time for that now, she thought as she introduced herself to the man. Desmond was his son and had a shard of glass in his eye. She sat the child in front of the split lamp and went about removing it. "There's no point x-raying his eye, glass wont show up. If you come back to our clinic in a few days, we can check that the eye is all right. The shard penetrated the eye away from the pupil and iris which is good. Even if there is a little bit of scarring it won't affect his vision." Tor spoke as she worked and instructed a nurse to cover the eye with a patch and to send him home. There was no time for niceties.
She grabbed the next clip board. "Sam Robinson?"
A young woman stood up and followed her into the small curtained area. "How can I help?"
The woman said nothing but pointed to her arm which was wrapped in a coat. When Tor removed the coat blood pumped out. "OK you've cut an artery, how longs this been like this?"
"Half an hour."
Tor spoke as she gathered the necessary equipment. "Well we'll get it tied off, we'd normally admit you for something like this but today, we're really short of space, err... is there some one at home?"
The young woman shook her head but added, "No but my Mom's a registered nurse, I can go and stay with her tonight. I've already called her. She's coming to pick me up."
"Good plan. Are you allergic to Novocain... like they use at the dentists?
The woman shook her head.
"Good. OK, I'll sort this out then I'll find you a bag of saline and a giving set... When your Mom gets here if you send her to see me and I'll give her some instructions... I'll put the canula in now....you're going to be fine." This Tor knew was not the best medical practice but desperate times called for desperate measures. "Are you happy with everything I've said?"
The young woman was sensible and agreed to the alternative plan.
Tor waded through the pile of charts, dealing with the many greens and blues that always appeared and took a lot of space. Within two hours the waiting area still as full as when she started and she was already exhausted. Tor sat herself down amongst the waiting patients giving herself five minutes to draw breath. Just as she leant back into the hard chair, Stan rushed through the doors with a young child in his arms. She leapt to her feet. "What happened?"
"I found him, trapped under a load of debris. No one had noticed him, but I was just doing a quick scout round and heard him whimper. There were no ambulances available. I brought him straight here."
"Let's get going people... A gurney.... " One appeared as if by magic. "what's his stats?"
"Pulse 80 BP 100 over 60 pulse ox. 97 on air. Resps 16. Maintaining his own airway..."
"OK he sounds pretty stable." Tor did a quick top to toe on him, discovering a broken wrist and a large lump on his forehead, but nothing that caused her much concern. "He's going to need a few films but nothing that won't wait, if you could organise that Carol, please?"
Carol nodded, "There may be a bit of a wait though, Xray is flat out."
"That's fine, this isn't urgent. With that lump though I'd like obs every 20 minutes or so, just to be on the safe side."
"I'll get Genie to do it."
"Thanks, that would be great."
Stan stood in the corner of the room, he was being completely ignored and as such was able to watch the scene undisturbed. It was a picture of efficiency. The nurses left the room quickly leaving Tor inserting a line and putting up a drip. She checked it was flowing correctly and turned to leave the room. As she did she doubled up. Stan hurried to her side.
"What?"
"I think they call it labour... where I come from at least."
"Oh God.... Should I get someone?"
"No, no need... this could go on for hours yet, besides there are more pressing issues to attend to."
"Oh." Stan said not knowing what else to say.
The pain came again, flooring Tor this time, she crumpled into a heap clutching her belly.
"I'll get someone."
"NO!" Tor all but screamed.
"Why not."
"I can do this alone, I'm not sick... I've done this before, they're all needed to help the people who are injured, have you seen it out there, no, don't tell them."
"What should I do?"
"Help me to the staff room... It's quieter in there... ARGHHH."
"Those are really close together."
"Tell me something I don't know."
Stan helped Tor through the building to the first floor staff room. It was deserted. There was no time for bad coffee and donuts today.
Tor settled herself back on to the floor, pulling cushions around her. As another pain hit suddenly she was scared. Sure, she'd had a baby before but that was in a sterile labour ward with nurses fussing round her and pethidine on request. This time she was on her own and she knew it.
"Stan, don't go."
Stan came to her side. "I'm not going anywhere... Tell me what to do."
"Just hold my hand... The rest will take care of itself."
The baby was well on the way, the pain was bizarre, it hurt like hell but it was like it belonged to someone else. Stan gripped her hand and she squeezed it tight as the next contraction came. She bore down with all she had, and felt the baby's head move down a little way.
"It's really close." She said.
"Do you want me to look?" Stan looked nervous and Tor nodded.
He removed all the necessary garments, "I can see the head."
"Good.... ARGHHH" Tor pushed down.
"The head's out."
"OK... Keep control, girl, keep control..." Tor instructed herself, breathing through the pain, panting to control the urge to push. "Which way is it looking."
"To the side."
"Good..."
"It's turning all on its own."
"Good." Tor pushed again.
"It's a girl."
"A girl?"
"Uh hu." Stan handed the baby to Tor, who looked at its tiny screwed up face. The baby chose this moment to scream.
"She's OK, She's OK." Tor smiled and placed the child on her chest before laying back and just breathing.
***
"I can't believe I missed it again."
"Well you always were a bit hopeless."
"She's beautiful." Ben held Charlotte in his arms and went to hand her to her Mother. Tor turned away as he approached and struck up a conversation with Beth.
"So what have you been up to today?"
"Mrs. Vecchio and I baked cookies and then I helped her make her special pasta sauce, I'm the *only* one she's told her secret recipe to." Beth boasted.
"That's great."
"Are you going to feed Charlotte?" Ben asked.
"Oh, could you do it, I expressed earlier, I'm a bit tired, it's been a long day." Tor made all the excuses under the sun. The truth was she didn't want to. The connection with Beth had been instant, it was like part of her soul had been removed and put inside her baby and the only way she could feel whole was to hold the small being against her body. Now her new child felt like... well different... She didn't really wish her any harm, and she would feed and clothe the baby, but it was like Charlotte wasn't 'hers' but someone else's.
The tears came next morning. Once they started they wouldn't stop. When Ben arrived after his early morning shift he was instantly concerned.
"What's wrong... Are you in pain?"
For some reason this amused her slightly. "No I'm not in much pain."
"Then what?"
"It's too much.... I'm not sure.. I can't stop crying... Charlotte, she doesn't feel like mine, it's like she's someone else's.... Oh God I don't know... I think it's just the anticlimax" She conjured a smile from nowhere.
"When you get home it will be better." Ben hugged her and she clung to him.
"Probably."
****
Tor sat in the nursery. It was one month on and she rocked gently as she nursed Charlotte. Ben was at work, Beth was at school and Tor felt completely alone. She looked down at the child in her arms and felt... nothing. And that was the problem. She didn't hate this tiny person but neither did she have a feeling of unwavering love. The guilt that this lack of emotion caused was unbearable. She had tried to love this baby and Ben had doted over her. Some how this made it worse. Ben was being the perfect Father and she was being ... well... crap. The tears flowed as they had done every day for a month. She managed to hang on, sniffing back the sobs until Ben had departed for work but as soon as that door shut they were there again, like the torrenting waterfall that fell down the wall behind the newly born child's bed. Tor didn't understand it. She had been looking forward so much to seeing her new child. She'd been just as keen as Ben to pick out the new things for the nursery. She couldn't wait to breast feed the tiny babe. Now, it all looked so different. "I'm just not good enough for you, you deserve more." She sobbed out loud, directing her voice at the little one. She made a decision.
She placed the child into the crib and went into her room. She threw a few clothes into her suitcase before picking up the phone. "Mrs. Vecchio?"
"Si?"
"Ahh... Tor Fraser, I was phoning to ask you a favour."
"Anything caro."
"Could you come and sit with Charlotte for a while... I need to go out." Tor's voice broke up.
"Are you all right?"
"Yes, yes, I just need to get out of the house on my own for a couple of hours."
"Ahhh, you got the baby blues hey... I'll be there as soon as I can be... You go get your hair done... or your nails.." Mrs Vecchio suggested.
"Thanks." Tor hung up the phone and took a deep breath as she picked up her case and deposited it in the trunk of the car before Mrs. Vecchio arrived. She then ran up the stairs composing a note in her head on the way. Once she arrived in the bedroom, she penned the words onto a sheet of cream note paper and left it on Ben's pillow.
***
"Ben will be home in a short while so you wont be left for long."
"You go and enjoy yourself... I will be fine."
"Thank you Mrs. Vecchio, I don't know how to thank you."
"None necessary."
Tor walked out of the front door of her house and settled into the driving seat of the car. She sighed and looked at the house that she had for the last year called home. Placing her foot on the gas pedal she drove off towards the interstate.
***
"Hi honey, I'm home." Benton Fraser sounded like some poor sixties B movie.
"She's not."
"Mrs. Vecchio!"
"My Ben... She was feeling a bit low so she went out to have her hair done or something."
"Oh... Well.... Thank you kindly Mrs. Vecchio it was very kind of you to come to our rescue."
"She's such a beautiful baby," Mrs. Vecchio carried the baby across to her father and placed her gently in his arms before planting a kiss on her forehead. "I go home and make dinner now..."
"Thank you again Mrs. Vecchio." Ben called after the older woman.
***
"Bed... Now." Ben was about to lose his patience.
"Do I have to."
"You've stayed up two hours past your bed time... You do know you have to go to school in the morning."
"I want to wait 'til Mummy comes home."
"She must have gone to a friend's house, I think she may be staying the night.. now, bed... now, or else."
"Or else what?"
"Or else ...ummm.... Pearson will gobble you up."
"He wouldn't, would he?" Beth looked uncertain.
"He might."
With that Beth disappeared up the stairs. Ben lifted Charlotte out of the pram and placed her over his shoulder. "Where has your Mummy got to... She usually phones or something... Still she's been acting a little strangely for the past couple of weeks... Come on you." he carried her up the stairs and into their bedroom. His eagle eyes immediately spotting the note on his pillow.
His name was obvious on the front of it. he hesitated slightly, not really wanting to read it. A feeling of foreboding over took him. He lifted the piece of paper of the pillow and took a deep breath as he unfolded it.
"I love you and I'm Sorry." was all it said. But it was all it needed to say. She had gone....