Hi!
I've written a rather lengthy story called IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL
I wrote this story to help fill in Ray's past. One of my all time favorite
DUE SOUTH episodes is THE DEAL. I remember watching it last season and
wanting to know more about Ray's childhood and reason(s) for his becoming
a cop and why he's hiding his generous, loyal, good-heart behind all
that sarcasm and cynicism. We've been given teasers into his past, introduced
to some of his family and given some information about his relationship
with his father through a few episodes.
- In the pilot episode he tells Fraser something like "... if it was
my old man, I'd be the last person he'd want on the case. He pretty
much thought I'd screwed up everything I ever touched. Ya know he's
been dead for 5 years and I still feel like I'm trying to prove myself
to him."
- In the Pilot episode, THEY EAT HORSES DON'T THEY?, VICTORIA'S SECRET
and a few other episodes with primarily just his sister Francesca representing
his family in them we get to see a glimpse into Ray's family life.
- In HAWK AND A HANDSAW, when Ray is talking to Fraser about his police
psychological review he mentions having a brother he used to take baths
with. Never heard more about his having a brother again after this.
- In VICTORIA'S SECRET Ray shares some more about his father with Fraser.
Ray has Fraser help him bring his father's old pool table up from the
basement and into the dining room when the rest of the Vecchio's have
gone on vacation. He tells Fraser that as a kid he used to go fetch
his father for dinner from Finelli's and would secretly watch him play
pool. He admiringly tells Fraser about his memories of his father's
pool playing. Summing up his comments in that regard to: "He was a
lousy father, but boy could he play pool." In this same episode we even
get an appearance from his ghost dad who's dogging/nagging him at the
precinct for putting the Vecchio house up as collateral for Fraser's
bail money. Ray's ghost dad comments something like his being in purgatory
and "...to pay for my sins, I get to watch you make stupid mistakes."
- In NORTH ghost dad reappears and again we see Ray isn't too fond of
his pop. He's got alot of unresolved anger and bitterness towards his
father. His father comes across as sarcastic and out for just himself
(tells Ray to do so as well). In this episode Ray tells a story to Fraser
about wanting to camp with his father and his father agreeing to it,
then disappointing an enthusiastic young Ray when he forgets about it
and never does. Kind of helps sum up what kind of man he was as a father/his
relationship with Ray. Also in this episode you find out that Ray's
ghost dad thinks Fraser is 'looney tunes' and wants Ray to ditch him.
- Then there's THE DEAL. I recall Frankie says something like "We have
a history", in regards to Ray. This 'history' intrigued and inspired
me to write this story. See if you can spot the whole scene of dialogue
I borrowed from this episode for a piece of this story.:-> Ray's hatred/anger
at Zuko and the guilt at not trying to stop/help a childhood friend Marco
from getting beaten up badly by Frankie just begged for more explanation
as well.
- I was thrilled when they made JULIET IS BLEEDING as a sequel to THE
DEAL. It gave us more background on Ray and Frankie's past 'history'.
What a wonderful twist it was to find out Frankie's sister Irene had
been Ray's childhood sweetheart and he still loves her even as an adult.
Again see if you can spot a whole scene of dialogue I borrowed from this
episode.;->
- Then there's a more recent episode - (was it WHITE MEN, the episode
about basketball?) - that had Ray introducing Fraser to a barber, (played
by older comedian Alan King), who is a bookie on the side. The barber
is surprised to see a grown up very thin Ray. He recalls to them both
how Ray was a chubby kid that liked sweets (kind of like Diefenbaker)
and used to come into the barber shop with his father.
I've tried to weave a history that would link these episode's teasers,
hints and some of the characters from Ray's past into this story. I
hope I've done him justice. I've got a list of warnings:
1. This does have hurt/comfort.
2. This does involve m/m. But nothing graphicly depicted.
3. This does involve violent subject matter, but after the fact or not
in highly graphic/gory detail, such as: child molestation, child
mental/physical abuse and child against child physical abuse.
4. This does have m/f sexual content.
5. This will cause eyestrain. Its the longest story I've written to
date. It comes out as 34 pages on my PC.
6. This is yet another heavy depressing story I've written.
7. This does have sap in it.
8. This is primarily a Ray story. Fraser is in it, but the story centers
around Ray and his past sneaking up on him.
9. This is a story that was only read and editted by me so far, so bear
that in mind when reading. I'm hoping you all can help me out with the
comments, suggestions and editting advice.;->
10. There are spoilers for THE DEAL and JULIET IS BLEEDING throughout.
11. There is an Epilogue and an Epilogue's Epilogue included within the
9 parts of this story. I'm considering separating them out and letting
them stand alone as stories by themselves??? The first epilogue to be
called GHOST OF A FEELING and the other DEEPER IN THE BASEMENT OF THE
SOUL??? I just can't resist epilogues.
This is probably a good time for me to shut up and let you start reading
IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL, but not before I say this: I dedicate this
story to all my fellow Ray fans out here.
Dsrvbf@aol.com
IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL
The basement always bothered him in the big old house the
Vecchio's lived in - it was dark even with the lights on;
always damp and cold even when it wasn't outside and smelled
funny like something musty or decaying. His father had
picked on him for his fear of the basement when he'd found
out about it, calling him a coward - a baby. That really
hurt, because afterall he was almost 11 years old now.
There were other reasons he hated it down here, but he
couldn't tell anyone - especially his father - the dreadful
secret why.
He had to go down there now, but was debating whether or not
it was really worth it. His younger sister Maria had
borrowed his baseball glove a few days ago to play softball
with a couple of her friends. He magnanimously lent it to
her, but now Joey and Marco wanted to play ball with him, so
he needed it back. He took a quick breath of courage and
headed down the cellar stairs. "Hey Maria, I know you're
down here. I saw you. I want my glove back. I know you
still have it." She wasn't answering him. "Come on, I
don't want to play hide-and-seek. If you don't give it back
to me I'll tell Cesspool where you keep your Barbie dolls.
She'll probably give them haircuts like she did your Talking
Tina." That ought to get her out in the open he thought
smugly to himself, using his secret weapon Francesca was
always a good strategy to pull on Maria when he wanted
something.
At the bottom of the steps now, he noticed light seeping out
from the small opening under the laundry room door.
Cautiously he headed over to the hated room and what it
represented; it wasn't a clean room at all. Partially
opening the door he managed to make himself enter it but
just barely. What he saw chilled and terrified him, rooting
him to the spot. The back of the monster in the basement
was to him leaning over a wide eyed and confused 7 year old
Maria, who's mouth was covered by a large adult hand. Ray
swallowed hard and found his voice. "LEAVE HER ALONE!!!
You promised me you'd leave her alone. I did what you
wanted. You promised!"
He was thankful to see that they were both still fully
clothed as he slowly approached his sister and the hated
man, angry and fearful at the same time. "Hello Raymondo.
You've been avoiding me. I was beginning to feel hurt."
Ray closed his eyes briefly and gulped. *Oh god, its my
fault. He has Maria here because of me.* his sense of
worthlessness kicked in and berated him. His mind was
racing as he tried to think of a way to get Maria out of
here, he came up with a solution, but it made his stomach
turn. "Leave her alone and I'll do what you want. That's
the promise." That hated face turned to him. "Oh how noble
Raymondo. I knew I liked you best. You're always such a
good boy. Ok. But I want to hear you say 'please' first.
Your parents taught you better than that. Where are your
manners?" The taunting words disgusted him, but he kept his
mouth from saying anything that would jeopardize Maria's
release from the nearness of the hell he was already well
into. "Please." his scared voice tried to sound strong and
sincere.
The hand came away from Maria's mouth and the other hand
fell away from her arm. "See. I'm keeping my promise...
you'll have to keep your's now." Maria looked over at her
big brother with childlike puzzlement on her face. "Ray
what's goin' on?" Ray smiled at his sister pretending
nothing was wrong. "Just go upstairs Maria. Uncle Vinnie's
just playin' a game with us. But you're too young to play.
And you wouldn't like it anyway. I'll be up in a little
while to get my baseball glove. Go find it for me ok?" She
smiled innocently at him with a trust and love that touched
him. "Ok Ray.", she said blissfully ignorant of what almost
took place and was about to happen. Ray startled at the
sound of the laundry room door closing behind him as she
left, then a hand was at his arm, pulling him towards a
nightmare he wished he could wake from. He shut a part of
himself off mentally to spare him from what he was about to
endure, as the monster in the basement claimed him once
more.
"Stop! Please stop! I don't want to." he cried out. A
hand grasped him on the arm, "Ray!". The arm was violently
grabbed and twisted as Ray sprang up from his slumped
sleeping position in the Riv alarmingly fast, but not quite
out of his dreamworld state. "Ray wake up! Wake up Ray!
You're hurting me!" Blinking his eyes a couple of times Ray
realized he had his best friend's hand in an awkward and
painful grip, seeing the strained look on Fraser's face he
immediately released it. He breathed out. "Oh god Benny I'm
sorry. Are you ok?" Ben's concerned face
looked over at him sympathetically, as he moved his arm and
wrist around to bring it back to normal. "I'll live. But
the question 'Are you ok?' is really for you." Ray forced a
smile and nonchalance he didn't feel. "Yeah sure. Its
nothin'." A gentle hand reached over to wipe at the wetness
on Ray's cheek left over from the nightmare. Showing the
evidence of the 'nothing' to Ray, he replied. "Oh I can see
that Ray."
Ray scrubbed at his face and eyes, snapping at his friend
harshly. "Leave it alone Fraser. Ok? You're always butting
into my life. Don't you know when to quit? Like right now
would be a good time." Fraser's sad blue eyes reflected the
hurt he felt at Ray's rebuke. "I'm your friend Ray. I only
want to help." Ray still cranky and defensive replied.
"Well help someone else. I don't need your help. I'm outta
here. This stake-out is a bust. I can't believe I let you
con me into watching this shoe store waiting for thieves or
elves with foot fetishes. That's not my department. What
was I thinkin'?" He started up the engine of the Riv,
driving quickly away from the curb heading towards Fraser's
apartment. Fraser, who was hurt at being treated this way
by someone who up until a couple of minutes ago he thought
was his closest friend, spoke. "Ray I'm sorry for being such
a bother to you. Don't worry I'll butt out from now on."
Ray flippantly replied back. "You do that Fraser." The rest
of the ride over to Fraser's apartment they didn't say
anything more. Ray pulled up to the front of the building
and they said their terse good-byes, Fraser fearing this
could be the final good-bye to end their friendship. Ray
sped away from the mountie, who was still standing on the
sidewalk with Dief beside him, staring worriedly after his
departing friend.
As Ray drove away, he could see Fraser watching after him in
the rear-view mirror, his thoughts drifted back to another
person he'd once considered a friend. The nightmare he'd
just had had jarringly brought back a flood of memories of a
major turning point in his life. It still amazed him that
he survived his preteen and teenaged years to become of all
things a cop. As he drove he became a scared insecure 11
year old again...
So what if it was dinner time, he wasn't hungry and he
certainly didn't want to go home. He'd probably get chewed
out by his father for missing the family meal - again. His
father was such a hypocrite, he'd missed more dinners than
Ray ever had, playing pool and getting drunk after work at
Finelli's. Ray liked it when his dad wasn't there for
dinner, because that usually meant he'd have Uncle Vinnie
along with him. But tonight he knew they were both at home
and he decided he'd rather face his father's wrath than
spend any more time than he had to with Uncle Vinnie. It
wouldn't have been so bad, but he always seemed to end up
seated next to the man. Being so close to him gave him the
creeps. He would lose his appetite then, so it really
wasn't worth it to be at a dinner he couldn't eat or keep
down anyway. Couldn't his parents see how Ray trembled and
became quiet whenever he was around him? Couldn't they see
him for the monster he was? Didn't they notice? Did they
even care?
Kicking at stones as he idly walked by his abandoned for the
day school he saw his classmate Frankie in the schoolyard
shooting hoops by himself. Frankie Zuko was the new kid on
the block, his family had moved into the neighborhood just 2
weeks ago and he hadn't quite fit in. Ray wasn't sure what
he thought of Frankie yet, except that he tried too hard to
push himself on the other kids to the point where he ended
up pushing them away. Ray had nothing better to do and he
loved basketball, so he made the first overture of
friendship to this kid. He joined him on the court, calling
over to him. "Come on Frankie, whaddya say? You and me...
one-on-one?" Frankie smiled as he stopped what he was doing
to turn and face his challenger. "Raymondo... isn't it?"
Ray smiled back. "Yeah, but call me Ray. Come on... you and
me." Frankie tossed the basketball over to Ray. "You think
you can take me on?" Ray teased and good naturedly laughed.
"Hey I don't think. I know. I'm gonna kick your ass."
Frankie liked the challenge and laughed back. "Funny, I was
just gonna warn you about the same thing."
Soon they were into a well matched game of one-on-one,
finding they were hard pressed to score points off of one
another. While they played they joked and teased learning a
little bit more about each other in the process. They were
getting along really well, enjoying each other's company,
and just being playful kids. It was almost dark when they
were interrupted by a sleek expensive black car pulling up
alongside the schoolyard fence. "Frankie say 'good-bye' to
your little friend and get over here. You're father wants
you home NOW!" Frankie rolled his eyes in displeasure
towards the car and the man who got out of it. "Yeah, yeah,
I'm comin' Charlie. Well Ray looks like my owner's found me
again. I've gotta get goin'. I'll try to sneak over here
again day after tomorrow... 5 o'clock? Want a rematch?"
Ray smiled back at his new friend. "If I can get by the
prison guards at my place, you're on. Ciao." Frankie
called over his shoulder before getting into the car. "Ciao
Ray."
After that day they became inseperable friends and would
often sneak off to play basketball together, changing the
spots frequently to avoid their families. Ray began blowing
off his old alter-boy friends Joey, Sal and Marco to hang out
with Frankie and Frankie's other newly acquired friends Vito
DeNucci and Jimmy 'Roastbeef' Rostelli, these two were
considered the toughest kids in school. They weren't rocket
scientists, but they sure knew the science of fighting.
Jimmy had earned his nickname, because he once pounded a
kid's face in until it looked like raw roastbeef, or so the
story went, but Ray didn't put alot of stock in some of the
stories that flew around the school. He'd heard the rumors
about their dad's being mafia connected, but he didn't care,
they were friends of Frankie so that made them friends of
his. Besides he started to like the growing feeling of
being in control at the school, with the other kids showing
him 'respect' - or what he thought was respect then, but as
an adult realized was just their 'fear' of him and who he
hung out with. His musing back to the past brought him
swiftly to the Vecchio home after he left Fraser's.
Ray felt trapped by the one person who he'd felt he could
move mountains for if she asked, but today she was saying
things he really didn't want to hear or do. Until now he
thought he would do anything in the world to please her, but
what she was asking of him was just too much. "Ma I'm not
goin' and that's final. I hate him. I don't care." Mrs.
Vecchio wouldn't let the matter drop. "Raymondo, he's your
uncle. He's family. You should go. He left you an
inheritance." Ray swallowed hard, how could he tell his
mother that the money his uncle had left him made him feel
like a whore owed money for services rendered. He had never
told her; couldn't tell her; would never tell her what his
father's half-brother Vincenzo had done to him and almost
done to Maria more than once. "Ma, I'm NOT goin' to his
funeral and I'm NOT takin' his money. I'm glad the
bastard's dead." His mother wouldn't leave him alone.
"Raymondo that's no way to speak of the dead. You used to
like him. When he first moved in with us you really took to
him. He spoiled you rotten. What happened? Was it what
happened that night your father kicked him out? Nothin'
happened to Maria." Ray's tone got very sarcastic. "Yeah
right ma, nothin' happened. Forgive and forget. I'm sorry
but I can't." He made to leave, but her hand came out to
block him. "Raymondo, if you don't take the money for
yourself at least give it to the family. We can certainly
use it."
Ray's expressive eyes tried so hard to tell his mother to
stop. Her latest argument was almost breaking his resolve.
He loved his family and tried to look out for them and their
financial well-being. He'd taken that burden of
responsibility onto his shoulders years ago, when he
realized what a rotten job of it his father had done. Ray
had a good head for money matters and was adept at playing
the stock market, investing wisely. He'd managed to pay off
the gambling debts his father had left when he'd died 7
years ago; the second mortgage on the house was now paid in
full; and he made sure his mother never had to work at
menial labor again, she would be able to enjoy time with her
grandchildren and early retirement comfortably. She was
right though, they could use the money. He started thinking
what it could do to help Maria and Tony with the expenses
they had of raising their brood; and then there was
spendthrift Frannie, who he could never seem to keep on a
budget. But still it didn't feel right to him, he couldn't
bring himself to take the money.
Fully resolved now, he emphatically stated. "NO! I won't do
it." Mrs Vecchio slapped him at his disobedience of her
wishes and his denying the family this inheritance. The
sting of it startled him, but the true pain of it wasn't in
the physical slap as much as in the fact that she'd struck
him at all. She'd never hit him before. Realizing what
she'd done and seeing the devastated look on her son's face,
she pulled her hand back quickly, looking at it as if it
weren't her own. She wasn't fast enough to stop Ray as he
turned quickly from her and fled the house. Calling out
from the kitchen to his retreating back as he left through
the front door, never once turning back. "Raymondo I'm
sorry. I'm sorry." she cried, but he was deaf to her.
Ray hadn't returned home that night or the next day either.
Mrs Vecchio tried calling him first on his cellular phone,
which he wasn't answering, and then at work the following
day, but they reported he hadn't shown up and they were also
wondering what had happened to him as he was scheduled to be
there. She decided then if anyone would know where Ray was
it would be Benton; she prayed Ray was with his friend now.
Mrs Vecchio knew Ray treasured the friendship he'd developed
over the past couple of years with the mountie. He'd never
had someone he respected and admired as much as Fraser and
she was glad he'd chosen such a good man as a friend. The
mountie was such a positive influence on her son, that she
could see the effect he was having on Ray revealing itself
more and more. Ray's own goodness was trying to openly come
out again from behind all the sarcasm and cynicism he
normally hid it with. Fraser would be the one he'd turn to
she was sure of it.
At the consulate Jasmine the receptionist stopped Fraser in
the hall. "Hi Fraser. I'm glad you're back. There's a
lady in your office waiting to see you. She says its
urgent. I let her in there about 10 minutes ago. I hope
that's alright. She seems like a real nice lady." Fraser
was smiling at her. "Good afternoon Jasmine. That's fine.
I'll take care of her. Thank-you kindly." He headed for
his closet-like office and was surprised to see that the
lady waiting for him was Ray's mother. He was friendly, but
his voice and eyes were tinged with concern. "Good
afternoon Mrs. Vecchio. Its always a pleasure to see you.
But is there something wrong? The receptionist told me you
said it was urgent that you speak with me. Is it Ray? Is
he alright?" She felt uncomfortable and somewhat nervous
about talking to him now, when she realized from his words
Ray hadn't spoken to him about what had occurred between
herself and her son.
She got up and closed the door as she turned to confide in
him. "Hello Benton. I'm sorry to bother you at work, but it
is important and it does involve my son. Oh I'm such a
terrible mother... " She looked absolutely miserable. "I
should have known. If only I..." Fraser squatted down next
to her chair, trying to look her in the eyes as he placed a
reassuring hand on top of her's, which were fidgeting in her
lap. She was on the verge of tears. He reached behind him
for a box of tissues he knew was there and placed them
nearby should they be required. He'd interrupted her self-
reproach. "I know you're not a terrible mother. Ray does
too. He adores you. I want to help. Please tell me what's
wrong." She took a deep breath and began again. "He's gone.
The other night we fought over something stupid - money - an
inheritance from his uncle, which he didn't want. I slapped
him... I don't know what came over me... I've never struck
any of my children before. The look in his eyes... oh that
hurt look in those beautiful eyes... I'll never forgive
myself. He ran from me. I'm so worried about him, he never
returned home last night and hasn't reported in to work
today... I was hoping he would have come to you."
Fraser was growing very concerned for his friend now, as he
admitted to Mrs. Vecchio that he too had had a fight with
Ray a couple of days ago and hadn't spoken to or seen him
since, although he had tried to without any luck. He relayed
to her the incident in the car during the stake out. Her
sad eyes expressed to him that he'd added another piece to a
puzzle she was very close to solving. "Oh, my poor
Raymondo. Ray used to have nightmares like that alot when
he was young. After Ray left, I told Maria what had
happened. She and Ray have always been close, he's very
protective of her. The night he left, she told me a vague
story about something that happened to her when she was 7
years old; about Ray, herself and their uncle Vincenzo; but
I didn't understand what she was really trying to tell me.
Oh god its all starting to make a sick sort of sense to me
now. Why didn't I see it then?" Mrs Vecchio burst into
tears. Fraser comforted her with soothing words and gentle
hands on her own, but he needed to know what she was talking
about. If there was something wrong with Ray he would do
anything in his power to help his dearest friend.
When her crying spell had stopped, he began questioning her
to draw the whole story out. With a shaky voice at first
she relayed the ugly truth as she knew it. "I'm going to
confide some personal information about my Ray that I'm
trusting you as his friend to keep amongst ourselves."
Fraser fervently sweared to guard this information with his
life. "I wish you could have known Ray when he was a young
boy, he was such a good lovely child - very sweet,
friendly, generous and good hearted. I used to think he was
destined for the priesthood, the way he treated people was
so sensitive and kind. My husband hated it, he wanted Ray
to toughen up, be more like him. He thought Ray shouldn't
be so naive and trusting, wanting to help people all the
time. In a strange way I can see now why he likes you so
much Benton. You're alot like he was." She smiled fondly
at Fraser at this point and then continued. "When Ray was
around 10 years old almost 11, my husband's half-brother
Vincenzo came to live with us for a while. Ray adored him,
looked up to him; Vincenzo paid him alot of attention,
spoiled him."
Mrs Vecchio paused to catch a breath and take one of the
tissues from the box. Noticing her distress, Fraser
interrupted her story briefly. "Can I get you anything to
drink? Coffee? Water?" She shook her head. "No, no, I'm
fine. Just need a second." The story unfolding about his
friend's childhood resumed after a brief pause. "I wish I
had known what was happening. But looking back now I can
see so many signs that I didn't put together until now. How
could I have been so blind? On occassion we'd leave our
children with Vincenzo to babysit. I had no idea then, how
bad that was. I recall Ray hating it whenever we left them.
His father just thought he was being overly dramatic when
he'd try to con or beg us not to go, but he stopped after
the first couple of times. I loved my husband, but he had a
quick temper and low patience, so he soon put an end to that
type of behavior."
Fraser's grip on her hand was tightening ever so slightly as
he felt sympathy for his friend, realizing that something
terrible must have happened to that young Ray. "Now I know
why... I remember feeling so thankful that we had found out
in time and that my husband kicked out his brother when he
had tried to molest our Maria. I always just thought Ray
hated his uncle for what he almost did to her. I never
suspected that he could have already hurt my poor Raymondo."
She was crying again and Fraser's heart went out to his
friend, understanding now the horrible secret that Ray lived
with for so long. A secret that was eating away at him now,
because of his uncle's recent death. He gathered a sobbing
Mrs Vecchio into an embrace, all the while feeling as sad as
she at his friend's pain.
She recovered herself slightly. "I wish he would have told
me. So much of his behavior back then and now is making
sense to me. Before my husband kicked Vincenzo out, I did notice changes
in Ray's behavior towards the family. He tried to
avoid us, mostly his uncle now that I think back on it. He
wouldn't come home right after school, sometimes missing
dinner, but he didn't seem to care, even when we scolded him
for it. He's always been an outgoing person, but he became
quiet around us and kept to himself whenever he could. It
was very unlike him. Before then he was a somewhat chubby
kid, but at this age he started to lose alot of weight and
my angelic Ray was becoming a stranger to me. I remember
talking to my husband about it. That maybe he was sick or
something. My husband just told me that I babied him too
much, that he was just going through a phase, and that he'd
snap out of it. It was also around this time he started to
lose his old alter-boy friends in favor of some new ones
he'd made, like Frankie Zuko. I didn't like these boys and
the influence they had on my son, they had such bad
reputations and their families were rumored to be
'connected', if you know what I mean. I finally told myself
his strange behavior was from his growing up in a street tough
neighborhood. My husband... well he didn't seem to worry
about it as much as me, except when Ray would get into
trouble and it would get him involved with dealing with some
kid's parents or business owner that had his store or
whatever shoplifted or vandalized. Except for that he just
would tell me not to worry; that teenaged boys go through
phases like this; it was character building and he'd learn
from it. I'm sorry. I'm rambling now."
Fraser, who had been quietly concentrating on all that she
said, responded. "Mrs Vecchio this is helping me understand
your son and what's happening now better. Whether he
realizes it or not he needs us now more than ever. Don't
worry. I promise you I will find him and bring him home.
I'd do anything to help your son." Mrs Vecchio, wiping at
her eyes, gave him a sad half-smile. "I know you would.
You're a good friend and my son is lucky to have found you.
Thank-you."
The seedy hotel room over Vito's bar and pool hall with the
neon sign outside his window was ratty, uncomfortable and
loud, but he didn't care. It was away from home and away
from haunting memories of his past, or so he thought as he
drifted to sleep. His dream placed him back in the past
again, this time he was around 12 years old...
He'd just come sneaking back into the house late one night.
He hadn't been sought out by Uncle Vinnie for about a month
now and Ray had been keeping even closer track of Maria and
Frannie to make sure they were ok in that timeframe. He
knew he'd be able to tell if something was wrong with either
one of them, because he was always driving them crazy with
his 'stupid' obsessive overly protective questions about
their comings and goings. Frannie especially was becoming
annoyed and would stubbornly and petulantly ignore him now,
but he figured if there were something wrong with her he'd
know it. Maria always talked with, trusted and confided in
him though and she was ok the last time he'd seen her.
Tonight he'd been messing around with Frankie and the guys.
Frankie had shown them one of his father's guns. Ray
thought it was really cool and insisted they go out to a
deserted warehouse to target practice with it. Ray had been
pretty good with the weapon for his first time and garnered
praise from his friends at his being a 'natural'. He joked
with them that it helped when you pictured someone as your
target. They'd laughed at that and he didn't tell them he
wasn't kidding. He really did picture his tormentor as the
target each time he squeezed that trigger. The weapon in
his hand had felt so good as it discharged and especially
whenever it hit the mark; that he found himself wishing that
his uncle had been the one he really hit in that warehouse.
The fantasy of it was so tempting... *maybe Frankie would
lend me the gun sometime?*... he had toyed with this idea
alot on his way home.
He'd successfully made it upstairs without being caught.
Walking by Frannie's room to check on her he saw she was
already fast asleep, clutching her teddy bear. He went to
Maria's room and saw that his other sister wasn't there. He
hadn't seen her downstairs when he briefly poked around the
house checking for the whereabouts of everyone. So where
was she? His heart was racing a bit with concern. That's
when he heard the commotion coming from downstairs. He'd
never heard his father so angry in all his life, not even
when Ray had angered him for any of the trouble he'd been
getting into lately.
The house was shaking as he heard someone violently thrown
up against a wall. Then the cursing and yelling that went
on was incredible. He realized that his father was furious
with his Uncle Vincenzo and it sounded like they were having
not only a verbal fight but a physical one as well. Ray
crept down the stairs and watched the altercation from a
safe hidden distance. He could just barely see his mother
clutching Maria to her and trying to get past the two angry
fighting brothers. She looked just as furious and yet on
the verge of tears. When an opening made itself clear, she
moved quickly past them both with a scared and confused
Maria protectively held close.
The way they were approaching him there was nowhere Ray
could hide. His mother caught his eyes and then his hand as
she pulled him in tow along with his sister up the stairs.
"I know what's happening downstairs is confusing to you
both, but trust me, what your father is doing is best for
the family." There was the sound of his father's angry
voice yelling at his brother to never step foot in his house
again and then the door slamming with finality as his uncle
was banished forever. When his mother wasn't looking he
couldn't stop the smile that spread from inside him to his
face. The monster was gone. He felt a burden lifted off of
him, and a feeling of a key being turned to release him from
his own personal hell. His father had become his hero in
that moment and he couldn't have loved him more.
Later that night when his father went by his door, Ray
stopped him and without saying a word just hugged him. It
took his father off-guard, he wasn't an affectionate man
when it came to his son and the emotional display made him
uncomfortable. "Ray?" At first Ray could swear he felt him
actually hug him back, but it was too brief as his father
pulled him away to face him. Ray grew fearful when he saw
the expression on his father's face, at first it was
puzzlement and then it quickly grew stern as it said.
"Raymondo, did you know something? Maria said you always
told her not to play with Uncle Vinnie." Ray's eyes
registered panic and he visibly gulped. He knew his face
was like an open book and he had trouble lying; his father
knew it too - although lately Ray had been getting better at
lying. Ray felt he didn't have to say a word now, just had to
look at him and he'd know the awful truth. He tried to cast
his eyes down quickly so his father couldn't see that he
knew so much, too much for a child his age. His father
shook his head in disappointment. "Ray you're pathetic. You
should have told me he was bothering Maria. I expect you as
the oldest male in the house when I'm not around to look
after your sisters and mother better than that. Your
brother Carmine would have. You failed kid. Don't ever let
me down again."
Ray was devastated and felt more worthless now than he ever
had before. The comparison to his beloved older brother had
been almost like a physical blow - the pain came from
believing his father was right. It always amazed him that
his father never struck him, but could hurt him just as
badly, if not more, with just his words or a look. Ray
berated himself thinking if Carmine were still around, he
would have handled things better than he had. *He'd have
known what to do; he'd never have let Uncle Vinnie do those
horrible things to him or me or our sisters.* Ray missed
his older brother and wished, not for the first time, that
he had been the one who died in the car accident 5 years ago
instead of his brother, the son he felt his father really
wanted and loved. He knew he was going to cry, but he
wasn't about to let his father see the tears, instead he
pulled away angry, hurt and betrayed as he spat. "I hate you
too!" He ran blindly down the stairs and out the door. His
father's angry bellow followed him out into the night.
"Raymondo get your ass back in here!" But he didn't turn
around, he just kept running. When he slowed down a little
bit he realized he was running towards Frankie's place. He
figured his friend would let him hang out there for a while.
Frankie knew what it felt like to have an asshole for a
father, he'd understand.
Fraser had gone to the precinct right after Mrs. Vecchio's
visit. He was in Lt Welsh's office letting him know Ray
wasn't going to be in for a few days. He hadn't told him
the whole truth, just that Ray wasn't feeling well and
needed the time off, which was true. Welsh wasn't happy
about the way Ray had requested time off through Fraser, he
couldn't afford to give him that time, there was just too
much work to do. However Welsh had known of Mrs Vecchio
looking for her son this morning and knew something was very
wrong. Along with this Fraser's sincerety and pleading eyes
told him it was serious and private enough that he
reluctantly granted the sick time. "He'd better be well in
2 days or else he's going to find himself in a whole lot of
trouble. Understand?" Fraser looked relieved at the time
given to his awol friend. "Yes sir. I'll take personal
responsibility that he reports back to you in that
timeframe." As Fraser took his leave of him, Welsh noticed
from the window of his office that Fraser had stopped by
Elaine's desk and had led the Civilian Aide out of the
squadroom. His attention was called away from this scene
and it was soon forgotten as Detective Huey and States
Attorney Louise St Laurent entered his office with
information on taking down a psycho he'd wanted off the
streets for over a month now.
Elaine was happily surprised to see Fraser approaching her
desk. Ray wasn't around so his presence here was unusual
but welcome. She gave him a smile and a greeting. "Good
afternoon Elaine. I'm sorry to impose on you, but would you
please grant me a favor?" Elaine's mind was racing at the
thrill of Fraser owing her a favor. *Oh how I'd love to
collect*, she laughed inwardly to herself. She overeagerly
said, "Yes, anything.", and scolded herself for her hasty
response. "Would you mind going somewhere private, so we
can talk?" Elaine was elated, somewhere private with Fraser
was always the highlight of her fantasies. This was too
good to be true.
She got up from her desk and let him escort her out of the
squadroom to one of the interrogation rooms on this floor.
He'd sworn her to secrecy, which she agreed to and then came
the request. "Elaine, Ray's run off and I need to track him
quickly. I was hoping that with your research and computing
skills you could find out if and where he may have used his
credit cards in the last 2 days? I know which one's he has
in order to help you narrow the search." Elaine looked
concerned and was very willing to help. "Of course I'll
help you. I won't even hold you to the favor." She kicked
herself when she realized what she just said. "Believe it or
not I like Ray - most of the time - I want to help him too."
Fraser gave her the most beautiful smile and look that made
her heart skip a beat. *Oh this was definitely gonna be
worth it.*, she thrilled in her head. She just endeared
herself to the man of her dreams, it couldn't get better
than this. She heard her little voice inside say laughingly
*Oh yes it can.*
"Where can I reach you?", she asked. Fraser responded,
"Thank-you kindly Elaine. Leave me a message to call you at
either of these 2 numbers." He then gave her Mr Mustafi's
phone number and Jasmine's at the consulate. "I'll call you
back. I'll be out looking for other clues to his
whereabouts, but I will check in periodically as well. Ok?"
Elaine smiled. "I'll start right now. It could take a
couple of hours... if we're lucky." She slid a paper and
pencil that were in the room over to Fraser. "Here, write
down that list of credit cards for me." Fraser knew the
cards from having shopped and dined numerous times with Ray.
Ray had even thrown him his wallet once when Ben needed to
borrow money from him 'again'. Ray had jokingly told him
then. "Here keep it. Just give me an allowance ok?" He
quickly made out the list, adding his gas station cards on
there as well. She was true to her word, making it her
first priority, when they finally parted company.
With Elaine's help he narrowed his search down to a seedy
part of Chicago. He could see why Ray picked this area, it
was definitely somewhere someone could get lost in and
discourage any followers. But Fraser wasn't just any
follower, he was a fearless tracker and also a worried
friend. Ray had used one of his cards in a store to pick up
some clothes and other essential items, seeing as he had
left the house so quickly without having had a chance to
pack anything. He went to the store now to question the
shop clerks there. One of the clerks had remembered seeing
him and which direction he'd been going in when he left.
Fraser went in that same direction asking people all around
the area and in the outlying stores and establishments if
they'd seen his friend. His search brought him to a pool
hall bar with rooms to let the next night.
He entered the smoky, loud and dingy place looking for the
manager. But luck was with him, when he spotted a pool game
just ending in the back of the room and heard his friend's
voice laughingly asking for any more takers. He seemed to
be in a good mood, probably because he had quite a bit of
money in his hand, which he must have won. Ray hadn't
noticed him yet, because his back was to him. As he
approached he said loudly enough for his friend to hear over
the din in the place. "I'm willing to play, but not for
money, the stakes are higher than that." Ray visibly
stiffened when he recognized the voice, then he took on a
very cool attitude as he turned around. "Hey guys, meet
Dudley DoRight. If you're lucky he might give you his
autograph." Ray looked annoyed at his being there, but Ben
wasn't going to be daunted.
Fraser was ready for Ray's inner and outer game playing
taking place now as he faced him. "Well Ray you haven't
answered my challenge yet. You ready to play me for the
stakes I'm about to lay down?" Ray gave him a questioning
look. "You're not serious are you? Oh yeah I forgot, you're
always serious. You don't want to take me on. Just go."
Fraser was willing to offer up their friendship as the
highest stake and he wasn't about to lose it if he could
help it, so he firmly responded. "The stake I'm offering up
is: You win, I leave you alone. I win, you have to talk to
me. Answer some questions." Ray thought the challenge over
and feeling kind of smug he answered. "You're on. But if I
win you get the better deal. Believe me." Fraser was
saddened to hear his friend talk this way, because he knew
now that Ray was pushing him away not so much out of anger,
but out of his own self-loathing. He'd never wanted to win
a game so badly as this one in his whole life. "What are we
playing?" Ray responded. "8-Ball. You ever play it before
Fraser?" Fraser hadn't, but he was familiar with the game
from reading about it in one of the many books he'd read in
his grandmother's travelling library. He'd also played pool
in different variations before and had a good head for the
mathmatics and logic of the overall game. These factors
would have to serve him well now.
Ray threw him a cue and then racked up the balls. "Best 3
out of 5 wins." Fraser remembered his friend telling him
that his father had been an excellent pool player, that time
he'd helped him move the Vecchio's pool table into their
dining room. He was supposed to have played pool with Ray
back then, but he never got to since Victoria had picked
that time to re-enter his life and regrettably made him miss
his friend's get together with the guys for a night of pool.
Having seen the amount of money in his friend's hand tonight
he had the feeling that Ray was probably a chip-off-the-old-
block when it came to this game. He steeled himself for
this challenge; their friendship was on the line.
Ray was being generous and smug. "I'll let you break on the
first one." Fraser made the first shot; it was alright, but
kind of sloppy and didn't get him all that far. Ray took
over and wiped up the table with him. The first game was
his and he sure was cocky about it. Fraser had improved
with the second game, since he felt a little more confident
with it and had learned a bit of Ray's style from the first
game. Fraser just barely won the game. The third game
however Ray showed him no mercy and again it was won by his
friend. The fourth made him nervous, if he lost this one
he'd lose his friend. It counted so much that he put all he
had into it and managed to win it impressively. They
amazingly matched each other now, 2 for 2 with the fifth
game being the deciding game. He watched both the table and
his friend closely with fearful eyes at every clean shot Ray
made. He kept wondering what his impulse was - Why had he
put their friendship up to the whim of a game? He caught
Ray periodically looking over at him with a strange
expression in his eyes, almost as if he were sizing him up
for another type of challenge.
The game was down to just a couple of balls left on the
table and in Ray's favor. Then something miraculous
happened... Ray fumbled the last shot. Fraser noticed
however, that despite Ray's words to the contrary he really
didn't seem all that upset about it. Ray tilted his head
slightly as he looked across the table at him asking through
a teasing smile. "Well are ya gonna take a shot at this or
not?" Fraser took the 'cue' his friend just offered him, as
he responded. "Its definitely a shot worth taking. I won't
give up on you Ray." The ball moved smoothly and precisely
into the pocket with a satisfying plunk. He could swear his
friend had fumbled in the end to let him win. However he
won he was going to keep Ray to his part of what was at
stake - their friendship. Fraser pondered briefly what he
would have done if he had lost. Probably still butt into
Ray's life somehow. He couldn't stop, especially now when
Ray needed a friend most.
Fraser placed their cues back in the rack and tidied up the
table, then placed a hand on his friend's arm. "You ready
for our talk now? Or do I have to play some other game for
the privilege?" Ray smiled and shook his head. "You really
don't give up do you? Yeah, well you won afterall. I honor
my debts. I've got a room upstairs. We can talk there."
He led Fraser up the dirty stairs through the dingy hallway
that took them to Ray's room. Inside they sat one on the
couch the other in a chair. Ray was nervous and fidgeting,
trying to avoid Fraser's eyes as he blurted out. "Ok, you've
got me here, now talk."
Fraser started with, "Your mother came to see me the other
day. She's very worried about you and so am I." Ray
scoffed at that. "Yeah right. She really showed me how
worried she is about me. She wouldn't let up on me."
Fraser looked over in compassion at his friend. "Ray if you
can manage to think through some of your pain, you'll
realize she really does love you and didn't mean to hurt
you. She didn't know why you were so resolute about not
taking the inheritance... but she does now." Ray's face
reacted in surprise at first, then he recovered his cool
attitude again. "She knows nothing." Fraser moved along the
couch so he was closer to his friend, placing a hand
comfortingly on his arm. "Ray we know about your uncle and
the horror he put you through." Ray looked extremely
uncomfortable, but his eyes told him another story of relief
at finally being allowed to share his burden with someone
else.
Ray visibly swallowed and tried to say something back, but
at first the words wouldn't come. "You.. um.. you know?"
Fraser nodded and said "Yes." Ray panicked slightly, "Oh
god, she knows? And she doesn't hate me?" Fraser shook his
head and looked reassuringly at his friend. "Hate you for
what? For being a scared young boy who was taken advantage
of? Never." Ray spoke up, wanting and yet not wanting to
talk to someone about what he kept hidden from everyone and
wanted to keep hidden from himself but couldn't. "Man, I
was such a dumb kid. So naive, trusting and thinking the
best of people. It was so easy for my uncle to manipulate
me. He knew all the right buttons to push. I shouldn't
have been so trusting. I was so stupid to think that he
actually cared about me at first. Ya know there was a time
when he used to treat me better than my own father. He'd
fill me full of things I needed and wanted to hear. Things
my father never told me... like he wished I were his son;
that he was proud of me for being such a good boy... That
he loved me..." The last part was said through a choked up
throat, as Ray scrubbed at his face fighting to hold back an
onslaught of tears, he felt on the verge of shedding.
"My father was right - I was weak; I was a coward. When I
was molested the first time, I should have stood up to my
uncle. I should have done somethin'. It was my fault. I
should have done somethin' to stop him." Ray's voice grew
quiet at the last part and he couldn't look Fraser in the
eyes. Fraser shook his head sadly. "Ray, you were what - 10
years old? Give yourself a break. You were a child.
Unfortunately I know you've been on child molestation cases
before, do you fault the children that were victims?" Ray's
quiet voice whispered out a "No." Fraser moved his hand
from Ray's arm to rest on top of the fidgeting hand on the
armrest. "Then why blame yourself?" Ray grew slightly
defensive. "Its not the same." Fraser pierced him with his
kind blue eyes. "It is."
Fraser decided Ray needed to hear something that Maria and
his mother had shared with him, when he checked in with them
earlier today with his progress on locating Ray. He began.
"Maria told your mother about that time you protected her
from your uncle. That took alot of courage Ray. She also
told how you used to always look out for her and Francesca
and warned them away from your uncle. Did you know it was
because of you Maria was spared that night your father
discovered what his brother was like? She knew from your
warnings there was something wrong with the way your uncle
was talking to her and trying to lure her away to the
basement. She ran outside to get away from him and ran into
your father who'd just returned with your mother from
visiting a neighbor across the street. She was scared and
according to your mother didn't want to talk to him, she
kept wanting to find you. When they heard her story that's
when your father reacted the way he did." Ray didn't know
the whole story of that night and was thankful Fraser had
told him.
Ray quietly and sadly spoke. "I should have told my father,
but I couldn't. He was such a bastard, he would have made
it worse for me. Worse, god I don't know how it could have
gotten much worse, but I thought at the time it could. He
already thought I was pathetic, this would have just added
to it. All I ever wanted was for my father to be proud of
me, but I always let him down. I'm glad he and his brother
are both dead. Maybe I'll finally get some peace now."
A silent lone tear splashed on Fraser's hand, Ray was
relieved to finally have someone like Fraser to talk to
about what had happened to him so long ago, yet stayed to
haunt him to this day. He had needed to talk about it so
badly, but felt ashamed and embarassed at first, but Fraser
didn't back off from him, was very supportive and
encouraging, even through the worst of it. His friend's
compassion, soothing words and reactions helped put Ray at
ease as he was able now to release at last some of the
tragic pain and humiliation of what he went through during
his childhood. His conversation with Fraser didn't end with
his uncle's banishment though, he carried it through to his
traumatic association with Frank Zuko and that horrific
aspect of his life.
Ray spoke now of what he only briefly touched on that one
time he confided to Fraser, who had been beaten up by Zuko's
men, about one of the things he felt most guilty about from
his childhood - Marco Matrani, the kid Frankie Zuko had
mercilessly drilled a basketball into his face when they
were teenagers. Ray's narrative began. "I remember being
born knowing Marco. We ended up in the same classes, church
functions and just neighborhood things all the time. He was
my shadow and one of those friends you don't want to admit
to anyone is your friend. He used to always want to tag
along, do what I did. He drove me crazy. There was no
shakin' him. Believe it or not Fraser, Frankie Zuko and I
used to be inseperable friends. When he says we have a
history together he ain't kiddin'. Another part of my life
I'm not proud of. But even when I started hangin' out with
Frankie and his friends, Marco still wanted to be around me.
Dumb kid. I used to warn him off, especially whenever he
begged me to let him play basketball with us. I knew what
Frankie was like, especially when it came to basketball. He
was ruthless. I could keep up with him though, because I
could play him dirty move for dirty move. I'm not proud to
admit this, but who do you think taught Frankie that elbow
technique?" Fraser gave him a knowing smile, remembering
the elbow jab an adult Frankie had given him when they had
played one-on-one that one time.
Ray continued his story. "Frankie had tolerated Marco once
for my sake and tried to hold back around him, when he saw
that I was running interference between them. I took a few
jabs to the ribs for it too. But it was worth it, to
protect him. Marco was an enthusiastic but terrible player.
The kid wouldn't leave it be, kept wanting to play even
after that first game. Frankie was getting annoyed at me
for mother-henning him on the court, whether he was on our
team or playing against us. Started really givin' me flack
about it. Told me I needed to toughen up, I was gettin'
weak. When Marco cost him a game that Frankie had money on,
the kid didn't have a prayer." Ray took a shaky breath and
blew it out.
Shaking his head in self-denial he went on. "I knew Frankie
was pissed off, but I didn't even bother to warn Marco to
stay clear of us. I shouldn't have been there. I should've
just left after the game. If I hadn't been there, Marco
wouldn't have seen me and come over. He didn't have a
clue." Fraser remembered how emotionally hard it had been
on his friend to have told him just a small part of this
story already that one time in the precinct canteen. It was
really doing a number on him now, but he knew his friend had
to let this piece out too, maybe in this way he could
overcome some of the guilt he felt over his part in the
grizzly story that was about to unfold. "I did nothin' to
stop Vito and Jimmy 'Roastbeef' from holding him down while
Frankie rearranged his face. I'll never forget. He kept
looking at me with those frightened eyes, he was begging me
to help him, but I couldn't move. I was transfixed by it
all. God there was so much blood and I can still hear him
cryin'. When Frankie finally let up on him, he threw the
bloody ball to me and coolly joked. 'You're up Vecchio.' I
was terrified of him then, someone I thought was my friend,
scared the hell out of me. It was then everything fell into
perspective for me. I wasn't like these guys, no matter how
much I thought I was. The difference between us became
clear right then and there."
Ray took a pause and sighed. "I thank god there was a noise
of someone coming by to make Frankie and his goons, minus me
scatter. I went to Marco, not knowing what to do, but just
be there with him so he wouldn't be alone or help stop the
bleeding... get help... whatever... I don't remember much
after that I was so numb. I never thanked Marco for what
he'd suffered and done for me to set me free from what I
could've become. He paid too high a price for me to come to
my senses and change my life back to my earlier goal of
helping people instead of hurting them."
Fraser had remained silent, just listening in sympathy and
sadness at the outpouring of such a tragic childhood. It
was what Ray needed from him and he readily granted him
this, but sensing his friend was talked out for now, he
interrupted him. "Ray you could never have become like those
without a conscience and so much hate. I'm sorry to tell
you this, but you and I aren't as different as you may
think. Your approach is different than mine - distinctly so
- but the sentiment and goal is the same. You're a good man
Ray Vecchio and I'm proud to have you as a friend. You're
loyal, generous and good-hearted, despite what you may think
of yourself. I think you need to forgive that boy you once
were. Give him a break... he's suffered long enough...
forgive yourself Ray." Ray's eyes told him that he was
having a hard time with this concept. He teased him. "If
you don't, I'll be forced to tell you Inuit stories until
you do." Ray gave him a half-smile and then Fraser felt
Ray's arms go around him in a thankful embrace as he
whispered. "I'll try, but please no Inuit stories."
Ray's ghost dad watched unnoticed by Ray as his son spoke
with his 'looney tunes' friend - he reluctantly admitted to
himself that Fraser wasn't really 'looney tunes' - as he
listened to what was being said. It hurt so much to hear
his son talk about what had happened to him as a child and
the venom he had spoken with about him, his own father. As
Ray's friend held him in a comforting embrace, Ray's father
spoke loud enough for Ray to hear him as he sincerely and
sadly said. "I'm sorry Ray. You're right I'm a bastard. I
should've told ya this ages ago. I'm proud of you. I do
love you." and he left then to go back to his purgatory. He
didn't see the surprised eyes that watched his retreating
back as he disappeared back to where he'd come from or hear
the "Pop?" that followed after him.
In purgatory Ray's angry father searched for his half-
brother and was ready and willing to chase him into the
depths of hell to get him back for what he'd realized now
had been done to his son. Because right now no hell could
be worse than the one he was in of his own design.
*****EPILOGUE*****
A week had passed since he'd come home thanks to Fraser. He
felt freer now and more comfortable in this house than ever
before. His mother and he had had a long talk and in that
time he learned where he'd gotten his overactive guilt
complex inherited from. He had expected he'd be the one
apologizing to her profusely, but she had surpassed him by
making her apologizing to him into an artform. Maria had
been so good to him too. She even thanked him for being
such a good big brother and that she loved him. Frannie,
well she reluctantly admitted that she missed him and had
worried about him too. Tony, he still didn't have clue, but
Maria loved the guy and he was good to his sister, so he
left it at that. As for the inheritance, Ray still wasn't
going to claim it, the state could have it for all he cared.
His family supported his wish not to take it and supported
him and that's all that really mattered in the end.
He smiled to himself and realized how lucky he was to have
his family and that always included Benny when he thought of
family. He still wondered if he had really seen and heard
his father's ghost say what he'd always wanted all his life
to hear. Or was it just his subconscious wishing it so much
that he tricked himself into seeing him and hearing those
words come out of that man? Whether it was real or figment,
it had helped heal some of the wounds there as well.
Ray slipped under the covers of his bed and shut off the
light. He wasn't afraid to close his eyes now, as he
quickly and effortlessly drifted off to sleep, smiling in
his slumber when he saw where he was being taken...
He was back again in his past, a skinny darkhaired wising-
off kid in gym class. He was goofing around with Joey
Salducci and they were teasing each other about the class
lesson for the day... it was a dancing gym class today.
*That was so dorky, gym was for sports not dancing.* he and
his friends thought. He teasingly asked his friend. "Joey
ya big moose can I have this dance?" Joey laughed with him,
pointing over to Antonio Scarpaci. "Sorry Vecchio, even
though you asked so nice, my dance card's full. Tony asked
first." While they laughed, Ray caught a glimpse of the
most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on watching him with
smiling eyes. *Man, she's gorgeous* he thought.
He didn't know who she was, but he was certain that by the
time they were out on the floor dancing, he'd know then.
When it came time for them to get partnered up with one of
the girl's in the class, he realized that from his position
in line he was one guy off from getting paired with her.
His mind raced at thinking up a plan to get him in the right
spot in line. He smiled devilishly to himself as he
whispered into the ear of Tommy Fortuna, the guy in 'his'
spot. A beet red Tommy skedaddled for the locker room just
in time for Ray to steal his rightful spot and come face to
face with an angel.
His name was called out and then her's "Vecchio with Zuko."
He shook his head thinking. *Naw, I must be hearing things.*
Frankie wasn't in his gym class, just this darkhaired beauty
positioning her hands on him for the dance. She noticed his
puzzled look and brief shake of his head. "You don't have to
dance with me if you don't want. I'll find another
partner." Ray was startled and alarmed by her words,
stammering out. "Uh no I don't... ahh I mean... I do
want... That's not what I meant." She was smiling,
giggling at his attempt to explain himself to her,
pretending to be serious she let him off the hook. "Ok Mr
Vecchio I accept your gracious request to dance with me."
Ray had positioned his nervous hands as instructed by the
teacher on this lovely creature. "Please don't call me Mr.
Vecchio, or I'll think my dad's here. Call me Ray. And
what can I call you?" She gave him a radiant smile. "I'm
Irene." Ray's brain made the connection now. Frankie had
told him the other day that his younger sister Irene had
recently come home from a special girl's boarding school in
Switzerland. She'd hated it there and begged to come home.
Their parents had finally reluctantly allowed her to come
home and go to public school now.
Ray smiled at this happy realization. "Your Frankie's sister
right?" She smiled back. "Well it depends on how you'll
react if I tell you. Friend or foe?" Ray laughed. "He's a
friend of mine." She responded. "Yeah I know. He talks
about you all the time. 'Ray this' and 'Ray that.' I feel
like I already know you." Ray wished he could say the same
back, but the truth of it was, Frankie barely ever talked
about his sister. Ray hadn't even realized he'd had one,
until a short time ago when Frankie had to go on a trip with
his parents to see his 'princess' of a sister and didn't
want to go. He joked back. "Well then you probably know
that I usually like to lead when I'm dancing with a girl."
She laughed when she realized he was right, she was trying
to lead the dance and they must look pretty silly to
everyone else in the class.
Embarassed and self-conscious now, she apologized. "Sorry.
I'll try to stop." Ray noticed that even after he'd pointed
it out to her she was still having trouble getting into the
rhythm of the dance with him. He had some experience with
ballroom dancing, because his mother loved to dance. Having
2 sisters meant he was always the one forced to dance the
most as their partners when his mom taught them how to dance
too. Seeing her distress and worry about not dancing well,
he wanted to help and as an ulterior motive get her closer
to him, so he suggested. "Just relax. Its ok. Just put
your head on my shoulder and close your eyes. Everything's
gonna be ok." She gave him a nervous half-smile and
tentatively did as he advised and the dance went much
smoother after that, but was interrupted too soon, by the
gym teacher coming over and pulling them apart, with a "Hey,
Romeo and Juliet. Break it up . That's not part of the
lesson you two." Irene blushed slightly and Ray thought she
couldn't have been more beautiful. He wanted to dance the
rest of the day away with her, but the bell rang signalling
the end of class, but what he hoped wouldn't be the end for
them.
He stopped her in the hall before they went into the locker
rooms. "Will you go out with me this Saturday night?", he
asked hopeful, nervous at the thought she might say what he
didn't want to hear, but he couldn't just let her go without
knowing if she felt the same tug of attraction he'd felt for
her. She pretended to think about it and let him sweat a
little. "Well, I do have homework to do and there is the
laundry and... of course. I'd love to go out with you."
They made quick arrangements for their date and agreed to
meet again before then. In the locker room he got razzed by
his friends for mooning over a girl. Called by the nickname 'Romeo'
the PE teacher laid on him now, but he was walking on air
and didn't care. He good naturedly teased them back that
they were all just jealous of his dancing technique, style,
wit and handsome good looks.
Suddenly the scene changed and that angel was pulling him in
through her window, quietly laughing with him at the
incredible fact he was there with her now. She whispered
over to him as he tripped into her bedroom. "Shhh. Frankie
and Charlie are downstairs watching tv. My parents aren't
here." Ray smiled. "Then they won't mind if I dance with
you." They held each other close as they began a slow
dance. They loved moving like this with each other and she
had become a remarkable dancer since that time so long ago
when they first danced together. But tonight he let her
lead when he realized where it was she was taking him... her
tentlike bed.
They'd gone out tonight just as they had so many times
before, but for a while now it had been in secret. Before
the incident with Marco he openly dated her and Frankie
although jealous of the time he spent with his sister and
not hanging out with him, seemed to be ok with it, even
joked that maybe some day they'd be related. It had been
one of their childhood dreams that they'd always be tight
friends and when Frankie took over the business from his
father, Ray would be his right-hand man. His dating Irene
almost made them like family they thought.
But after that tragic day with Marco, Frankie made it hard
for Ray and Irene to keep seeing each other. Actually Ray
had ended it with Irene shortly thereafter telling her that
he couldn't keep seeing her because he hated her brother so
much for what he'd done. She was devastated by this and
moped around the house, not speaking to and glaring daggers
at Frankie for days. Frankie in his anger and feeling
betrayed by Ray was thrilled to see his sister and his ex-
friend finally apart, but at the same time he was saddened
that he'd lost his best friend. What Frankie didn't know
was how much Ray and Irene loved each other, more than he
could have realized and soon they were secretly seeing each
other again.
Irene would tell her family she was going to a friend's or
the library and Ray would rendezvous with her to whisk her
off to the movies or rollerskating or whatever, in a part of
the city or beyond it that their friend's and family didn't
normally go. Tonight it had been the movies, afterwards
he'd parked his car a block from her house and walked her
home or as close as he'd get to the house to see her get in
safely. Tonight though he had noticed her signalling him
from her window. He had told her earlier that evening that
whenever he dropped her off he hated leaving her, he would
watch to see her turn on her bedroom light, pull down the
shades and every time he felt the urge to climb up to her
bedroom window and whisk her away from that house never to
return. He was glad he told her, because she had definitely
signalled to him that she wanted him up there.
He was impassioned as he climbed up to be with her. Now
here he was in the danger zone dancing with her which
somehow just thrilled him and heightened his senses more.
As she danced him towards her bed he lost his balance when
he backed up into it and ended up pulling down one of her
bed curtains in the process to break their fall; she was
falling with him quietly laughing in his mouth. Now on the
bed, somehow she stayed in his arms and the beauty of her
and the nearness of her made his heart beat faster, and his
body was reacting to her's scantily clad in just a short
light nightshirt. Her silky lips barely broke free from his
own the whole time he'd been here with her. He'd seen her
nipples pressing against the cotton and now could feel them
on his bare chest, when she removed his shirt from him and
held him close. Knowing from the striptease signal she'd
given him in front of her window that she wasn't wearing any
underwear under the nightshirt, he let his hands wander down
from her waist to work their way underneath the shirt to
touch the smooth skin of her ass. From there moving to the
front of her as they fondled her breasts, breaking their
kiss he slid the garment over her head and his mouth now
caressed her there. The sensational feel, the sweet
smell and taste of her filled him. Her hands hadn't been
idle as she too explored him, sending shivers of pleasure
through his entire body, especially when she freed his
erection, her hands brushing him teasingly there, causing
him to moan. It wasn't long before they had finished
undressing and began making inexperienced yet passionate
love to each other for the first time.
The scene wavered and he was an adult now, approaching an
angelic vision of an adult Irene as he entered a beautiful
home in the suburbs somewhere. She was smiling welcoming
him home and into her warm embrace. Their lips met and he
kissed her thoroughly. When they pulled away, she was
holding his hand and leading him further into the house,
asking him how his day went and she was telling him about
her's and their kids, who he could hear playing in a room
close by. The dream scene was too short and began to
waver...
Ray let out a muffled cry in his sleep. Then his eyes saw
his bedroom again and himself alone there. From behind him
he heard the voice of an angel. "Oooh, I like it when you
dream about me. Those are some of my favorites you were
just having. I always home in on you so much easier when
you dream about me." He was afraid to turn around and not
see her there. In his desire for her he forced himself to
turn his head and she was there smiling lovingly at him.
"Oh god Irene I miss you."
She moved to sit or actually it was like a hovering sitting
on the edge of his bed. He reached out to touch her hoping
to connect with the soft flesh he'd touched so many times
before. Instead his hand just passed through her own. She
gave him a sad sympathetic smile. "I wish I could touch you
too Ray. I'm sorry. This is the best I can do." When she
said the last part he could feel a cold drafty tingling on
his hand as she placed it just barely on top of his. "I
can't stay long. I've already stayed longer than I can.
Promise me you'll always remember me and never forget that I
love you." Ray's eyes gazed deeply and longingly into ghostly one's.
"I'll always remember. I love you too." With that the
draft at his hand was no more and the angel was gone...
His alarm sounded rousing Ray from sleep. He awoke smiling
and reviewing the pieces of the pleasant memories and
fantasies the dreams he'd just had evoked. He relegated his
ghostly visit by Irene to, *It must have been part of the
dreams. Even when she was alive she was like a dream to
me.* He shivered and had a 'ghost of a feeling' when a cool
draft brushed lightly at his hand.
GHOST OF A FEELING (see 'Juliet Is Bleeding' to hear this
song)
EVERY TIME THE NIGHT COMES IN
I FEEL THE WEIGHT OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
AND I SEE YOUR FACE HOVERING BEFORE MY EYES
THROUGH EMPTY ROOMS I WALK ALONE
ECHOES THAT ARE NOT MY OWN
I HEAR YOUR VOICE AND ITS CALLING (CALLIN' ME)
SEE YOUR SHADOW'S ON THE WALL
AND WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I CAN'T ALWAYS TOUCH YOU
GHOST OF A FEELING, HARDEN ME,
I'M NEVER FREE FROM THIS
GHOST OF A FEELIN',
AND I SAY 'STAY WITH ME BABY,
OH YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO."
BUT ITS JUST A GHOST,
A GHOST OF A FEELIN'
AWAKENED BY YOUR CRYIN' ROOM(?)
I FIND YOUR LIPS ON MINE AGAIN
AND I HEAR MY HEART
AND ITS POUNDIN' (SLOW DOWN)
I COVER MY EARS
BUT I CAN'T SHUT THE SOUND OUT
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I CAN'T JUST ESCAPE YOU
GHOST OF A FEELING, HARDEN ME,
I CAN NEVER RUN FROM THIS
GHOST OF A FEELIN',
A GHOST OF A FEELIN',
IT NEVER DISAPPEARS
OH AND IT FEELS SO REAL
BUT ITS A GHOST, A GHOST OF A FEELING
ITS JUST A GHOST OF A FEELING
***** EPILOGUE'S EPILOGUE *****
Frank Zuko sat alone - he was alone - the most alone he'd
ever been, even if there had been someone in the dark room
with him. The excuse for a life he'd once had was gone now.
His father's legacy was crumbling before his eyes and he
didn't care. He realized now, that although he'd tried so
hard to be like his father, he'd never really wanted to be
him or like him, that role was thrust on him at an early age
and he knew that his father had been right - he was weak, he
was a coward - and now he had the proof that he'd shamed the
family. He'd lost face in front of his 'business'
associates, Charlie had abandoned him, claiming he was
retired and wanted nothing more to do with him. Frank's
wife and daughter had left him and were somewhere in
Florida. His sister Irene was dead by his hand. Ray
hated him more than ever now. He'd laughed bitterly to
himself, when he got to this part of the cataloguing family
and so-called 'friends'. *Why do I always care what Ray
thinks?*
He'd tried sleeping, but that got him nowhere. He hadn't
been able to sleep much since the tragic incident when he'd
shot and killed his sister Irene. The hell of it was
branded into his mind and would replay itself over and over
again. He hated Vecchio for what he'd done to him, not just
for being there that night to take his sister away, but for
making him love him. Frankie couldn't remember when it had
happened, if it had been that first time Ray had befriended
a lonely, scared 11 year old playing hoops by himself in the
schoolyard or the time Ray had comforted him that one night
after he'd received one of the worst beatings he'd ever
gotten from his father.
Frankie had known at a very young age what his father's
'business' was, and had been a witness to some things that
children, and adults too, shouldn't have to see. He had
also known for as long as he could remember that he was
expected to follow in those awfully large, powerful and
frightening footsteps. When his father didn't remind him of
that fact, Charlie made sure to do so. Sometimes he
wondered what his life would have been like if he hadn't
been born the son of a mafia boss. He used to imagine that
he'd have become a corporate lawyer, his ivy league masters
degrees in business and business law would have led him
there, instead of just benefitting his father and himself
when he graduated and joined the family 'business' full
time.
He remembered back to when he was 11 years old and just
moved into the neighborhood. In his last school no one had
truly been his friend, mostly because they all knew who his
father was and were afraid of him. He'd tried so hard to
show he wasn't a monster too, but they still wouldn't have
anything to do with him, unless he made them. In his new
school the same thing was happening all over again. But
this time he'd gotten lucky and found someone who actually
enjoyed being with him for who he was, not who his father
was. Ray had just been his friend - his soulmate - Ray
understood and knew what it was like to have an asshole for
a father. Frankie had realized a short time after their
initial meeting, that Ray didn't have any idea who Frankie
was in connection to the neighborhood and he liked that.
That just endeared Ray to him more, because he felt he'd
gotten a friend for who he was not who he was supposed to
be. It wasn't too much later though that he found out, but
it didn't change anything between them, Ray stuck by him and
treated him as he'd always done before.
Frankie was so tired, his eyes drifted shut... He was 13
years old again and shaking uncontrollably in fear as his
father's fist again connected with his jaw. "Frankie I
can't believe you're my son. You're weak, disobedient and a
coward. Your behavior at dinner was definitely
unacceptable. Don't ever, EVER, ignore my will and follow
another's again. *Especially* in front of my associates.
By doing so you shame me and the family." The rest of the
lecture was physical rather than verbal after that.
When his father had finally left a terrified and brutally
battered Frankie to cower in the corner of his room, there
was just the sound of quiet sobbing left to be heard now.
No one in the house was coming to make sure he was alright.
They were all afraid of his father too and Frankie felt so
terribly alone and in pain both emotionally and physically.
The room was dark except for the moonlight streaming in
through his open window. He could feel someone's hand on
his arm. In a panic he thought it was his father again as
he quickly tried to strangle his crying which wouldn't stop
- his father had beaten him one other time for crying and
told him that if he were to be an effective leader of the
family 'business' some day there was no room for tears or
compassion. Frankie backed away flinching, waiting for
another blow for not minding that other lesson. When the
blow didn't come and he heard the soft concerned voice of
his friend trying to talk with him he had been so relieved.
Ray sometimes snuck in through his window to visit with him,
he must not have heard him creep in. "Frankie talk to me
buddy. Come on. What happened? Are you ok? Frankie?"
Ray turned on a light on the bedstand and when he approached
Frankie again he couldn't help but take a sharp intake of
breath at the sight of his beaten and bloodied friend. He
sat down next to him and lightly placed an arm around his
shoulders. "Oh god Frankie. Did he do this to you? That
bastard. I want to kill him." Frankie quietly slurred
through split, bloody and swollen lips. "Stand in line."
Ray got up and went into the bathroom attached to Frankie's
room and came back quickly with towels and a first aid kit
to help clean and patch up his friend. Frankie let him
nurse him, surprised at how gentle and compassionate his
friend could be as he wiped the blood from his face, dabbed
antiseptic - which hurt like hell - on the open cuts on his
face and lips and removed his bloody shirt from him. Ray
winced at the bruising that was deepening on his friend's
chest and abdomen, especially when he saw an extremely nasty
one, that when he touched it made Frankie gasp out in
excruciating pain and had him in tears again. Ray, although
he'd barely touched him there, thought it was his fault that
his friend was sobbing again and was beside himself as to
what to do. He knew Frankie needed medical attention,
probably had a broken rib or something. He instinctively
just reached out and gently embraced Frankie, softly
whispering and soothing, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I
didn't mean to hurt you. Its ok. Its gonna be ok."...
The dream changed and he was laughing with Ray over some
adventure or another they'd just had, as they approached the
house. Frankie stopped laughing when he saw his sister at
the top of the front steps smiling over at them. She came
running over to claim Ray from her brother as usual and
Frankie felt bereft and jealous when Ray's attention turned
immediately to her. She had Ray's hand in her's and was
pulling him away. Frankie wanted so badly to grab Ray's
other hand and pull him his way, it would be appropriate he
thought because that's what was happening now - he was in a
mental tug-of-war with Irene, competing for Ray's attention
and affection. Ray was 'his' friend and she was taking him
away from him. Outwardly he pretended that it didn't hurt
to see them together like this and plastered on a phony
smile when they kissed in front of him as if they hadn't
seen each other in months rather than just a couple of hours
after school. Seething inside he made some lame excuse they
probably didn't hear anyway and left their nauseating
presence. As he passed by them, he wished he were in
Irene's place right now and the thought disturbed him. He
wasn't supposed to feel this way... if his father even had
an inkling of this thought of his in regards to Ray, he'd
never make it to his next birthday.
The dreams wouldn't leave him alone... Now he was reliving
that fateful day he and Ray had ended their friendship. A
day that hurt them both more than Ray would ever realize.
Frankie had been getting more and more jealous of Ray's
spending time with Irene and not as much with
him. The only time he ever really got to have
Ray to himself away from Irene was when
they played basketball. Ray had been drifting from him
lately in other ways besides his dating Irene. They were
growing in different directions it seemed and the dream they
once shared of his taking over his father's 'business' and
Ray being his right-hand was starting to tarnish. It
worried him and he knew he would have to test his friend's
loyalty to him soon.
The opportunity presented itself one afternoon after an
abyssmal game of basketball. Frankie had lost some money on
the game due to a flunky acquaintance of Ray's named Marco.
Ray had always complained to Frankie that Marco was the
extra shadow that seemed to follow him everywhere, no matter
how much he tried to shake him loose. Frankie was angry
enough at the loss of the game and the money - he hated to
lose; angry enough at the strengthening relationship between
Ray and Irene - he hated this feeling of jealousy and desire
for another of his own sex; angry enough that Ray was slowly
drifting away from him - he needed to reaffirm his faith
that Ray would stick by him no matter what; that before he
even realized what he was doing he signalled Vito and Jimmy
"Roastbeef" to hold Marco down and began to pulverize him.
He couldn't stop himself, the anger and violence within him
once released was out of his control. *His father was right
there was no room for tears and compassion* he remembered
thinking as he continued his grizzly game. He hadn't been
paying attention to Ray's reaction to this once he started.
When he finally let up on his victim he threw the ball to
Ray to finish the game. What he saw was a face that used to
look on him with friendship and camaraderie now staring at a
bloody ball in shock, then turning those beautiful
expressive eyes to stare at him with fear, disgust and
loathing.
He'd had little to do with Ray after that. They avoided
each other as much as possible. Frankie had learned to
harden himself with this incident, throwing himself more
into the role he was expected to play after that. His
father had noticed the change in him and actually seemed
pleased at this. Frankie was glad to see that although the
basketball incident with Marco had split up his and Ray's
friendship it had the added benefit of causing a split
between Ray and Irene as well. That ought to hurt Ray just
as bad as Ray had hurt him he figured...
They'd gone a number of years without having had anything to
do with each other. Frankie had gone east to an ivy league
college for a few years. He knew Ray had become a cop in
that time. Frankie fooled himself into thinking that his
keeping discreet tabs on Ray was for necessary information,
especially later when Ray would nose around too close to
something illegal that Frankie, although his involvement was
layered and made to look distant from it, had going on. But
these times never amounted to Ray making any connections
with him until the shoemaker incident.
His dream changed to another time almost a year ago...
Frankie still wasn't sure of why he made it Ray's business
to find the pesky shoemaker for him. Perhaps it was seeing
him again so close, yet unattainable, with that handsome
mountie friend of his that sparked it. His more recent
reports of Ray had told of the mountie and his close
friendship with Ray. He had to admit to himself a certain
envy of the mountie's relationship with him, which sounded
like one Frankie once had and now missed.
When Frankie had entered St Michael's he noticed, without
showing he noticed, that Ray and his mountie friend Fraser
had been in the church when he entered it. He could
recognize Ray's voice anywhere without turning around, as he
talked and laughed with father Behan upstairs in the choir
balcony. He knew Ray hadn't noticed him there or maybe he
had and was just trying not to pay attention that Frankie
was there with a neighborhood business owner. Frank had
come here with the man for a private safe meeting to discuss
the terms of a 'deal' the man had been unsatisfied with.
When the shoemaker had stolen the money Frankie had placed
in the poor box as he left the meeting and the mountie
suddenly jumped down from the balcony in pursuit, that's
when Frankie had decided to pursue his own game of yanking
Ray's chain by pressing charges, thereby forcing Ray to find
the shoemaker thief on his behalf. The thought of forcing
Ray to bend to his will, trapping him to work for him,
really appealed to and amused him.
Seeing Ray in his home again was a kick for Frankie and he
played it up to the hilt, knowing that Ray would rather be
anywhere else but in his home *helping* him. He could see
that his so-called friendly attitude and casual remarks like
'We have a history." and "Your mother and sisters don't walk
by that church?" had had the effect on Ray that he wanted.
The comments had been a dig and reminder that they weren't
strangers or from different worlds as Ray wanted to pretend
they were; that at one time they had been as close as
brothers and had shared a common dream of the same world.
Having Ray's mountie friend there to witness the interplay
between them was an added bonus, in that it made Ray feel
uncomfortable that his connection to Frankie was being
revealed.
Frankie now recalled the events of the shoemaker incident
further and remembered how far he was willing to go to hurt
Ray. The mountie was a puzzle and a nuisance to him. He
didn't behave like all the other cops Frankie had ever come
across, he couldn't quite get a handle on what motivated
Fraser or what his agenda was. When he ordered Charlie to
deliver a message to Fraser with a beating and then death,
he'd done it as a last resort measure, because the mountie
was too clever, getting too close and hard for Frankie to
predict and manipulate. Fraser's death would also have the
added benefit of hurting Ray deeply. Ray would be allowed
to survive, he could be beaten up if he interfered, but his
standing orders were not to kill him. Those orders almost
changed the night Ray came to the gym to play their most
brutal 'one-on-one' game ever. Ray had come to make a
'deal' with him and release his anger at the Marco incident
which had happened so many years earlier.
Frankie smiled in his sleep picturing Ray coming into the
gym; he'd been so brave, fiery, passionate and every bit as
he remembered him from when they were kids. It surprised
him how turned on he was by Ray's raw barely controlled
emotion when he first entered. He wanted him so badly then
and stupidly was willing to send his men away to be alone
with him. When the beating began, he couldn't believe at
first that Ray was doing this to him. Ray who had hated
Frankie's father for doing this same thing to him and had
wanted to kill him for it. Ray's face and fists became
those of his father, but this time after the beating there
would be no Ray to comfort him. He'd fearfully given in to
Ray's demand to leave the shoemaker alone. Angry at Ray for
treating him like his father had treated him, he'd found the
courage to send Ray out of the gym with a threat on his life
'I didn't say anything about your bein' safe.' He hadn't
gotten the response he'd expected, that being a response of
fear for his life, instead it was a brave, self-assured sounding 'I didn't
ask for that.' Ray had won that round of 'one-on-
one' and Frankie was left again with the confusion of how he
could love and hate this man at the same time. He was at
war with himself at wanting to retaliate and in the end came
to the realization that Ray wouldn't have to fear death by
his hand. The memories of a young boy that still resided
within himself, had been strong enough to keep Ray safe from
that extreme for now...
However, that was to change with the events that interrupted
his dreams now. This scene came to him every time he fell
asleep, it would replay itself and haunt him. Frankie had
been wrongly accused of planting a bomb in Ray's car, which
ended up killing a friend and coworker of Ray's in the
process. The evidence that pointed to Zuko's involvement
was too ludicrous to believe and Frankie wasn't that sloppy
when it came to his ordering a person's death, especially in
this case a death that he didn't want to happen. He had
always just wanted to hurt Ray for leaving him, not kill
him.
At the birthday party it had disgusted him when Ray and
Irene blatantly and openly picked up where they left off in
their relationship. It was a nightmare to see them dancing
and then kissing in his presence, at his party, in front of
everyone - his friends, family and associates. The feelings
of jealousy and anger at their 'love' dug into him worse
than any dagger ever could. Ray had managed to hurt him
more with this display and taking up again with Irene than
the beating he had given him in the gym a number of months
earlier.
Later came the frame-up by his own men to make it look like
he'd been the one to blow up Ray's car and cause the death
of that other cop. Frankie's world was unravelling and he
tried so hard to patch it up, amazingly the mountie was the
only one trying to help him. Not that he wasn't grateful to
Fraser, but it pleased him when he realized that the mountie
had hurt his friendship with Ray by doing so.
Now came the dream scene that haunted him daily. Not even
his father's angry voice echoing "no room for tears or
compassion" was working. When he'd seen Irene leaving the
house to go to her 'lover' he was incensed. If he was
denied Ray, then never would he allow his sister to have
him. When Ray unbelievably ran into the house to retrieve
her and run off, he found that he'd been pushed to his
limits and before he knew it, he had a gun pointed at
someone who angered and frustrated him, but he never wanted
dead. He still was having a hard time reconciling what
happened next. The pain of seeing Ray and Irene together at
the top of the stairs; chaos as someone ran at him from
behind; the gun going off and the return fire; then Ray's
anguished heartbroken cry as he carried a dying Irene
quickly out of the house. The bullet that was killing her
was taking Frankie's life along with it. Ray's tortured
face and cry had forced him to see the depth of Ray's love
for Irene, and in that moment he examined inside himself the
depth of his love for Ray. What he saw in there overwhelmed
and berated him for the amount of pain he'd caused.
Inside was a well of 'tears and compassion' come too late.
It had been building up secretly for years, overflowing its
edges - drowning him.
Two days ago Huey had told Ray about Frank Zuko's suicide.
Ray thought he'd be happy that he was dead, but there was a
part of him - the still lingering memories of a young boy -
that felt sympathy for that sad pathetic man, who had once
been his friend. It didn't last long though when he
remembered a brutalized Marco, a beaten up Fraser and
especially Irene's dying body in his arms.
He was sifting through his mail on the desk, when he came
across a plain white envelope with no return address. He
opened the letter and found a small slip of paper inside:
Dear Ray,
I'm sorry.
Love Frankie
Ray felt as if his throat was closing as he swallowed hard
at the lump that had formed there, but within a few seconds
he had the paper balled up in his hand. The words, *Two
points*, came unbidden to his mind as he watched it arc and
land smoothly in the circular waste-basket by his desk.
Ray was the lucky one - he was just at the top of the stairs
of the basement with his hand on the doorknob opening the
door to get out, however, Frankie had retreated as deep as
you could go in the basement of the soul.
THE END