Disclaimer: Alliance owns Vecchio, Kowalski, Stella, Diefenbaker, Fraser,
Welsh, Huey and Dewey. Just using them for my own perverse pleasure.
'Gave Up' and 'Suck' was written by Trent Reznor. 'Physical' was written
by Adam Ant. Title of the series comes from the song of the same name
by Sarah McLachlan. All used here without permission, no infringement
intended 

This started out as a short therapy story and then it became a confession.

THANK YOU to Eugenie, who has the patience of a saint.  If it weren't
for her, I never would have gotten this far. 

***WARNING:  NC-17 (just to be safe) FOR MALE/MALE SEXUAL SITUATIONS,
H/C, ANGST,  and HARSH LANGUAGE. IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE OR M/M SEX BOTHERS
YOU: GO BACK, LEAVE NOW, WALK ON, BUG OFF. Thank you kindly. **** 

Series: Path of Thorns

Between the Lines

by
Rae
********************

Perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most                   
forgot how it feels well almost                                     
no one to blame always the same                                     
open my eyes wake up in flames 
            
           -- from  'Gave Up' by Trent Reznor

/ Ray Vecchio's back. Fraser's happy. He and Vecchio have been laughing
and joking around all week. I don't really know where that leaves me.
I'm happy that Fraser's happy, but other than that I'm......empty.  Can't
begin to describe what this feels like.  I went to lunch alone for the
first time in a long time. It was weird. I sat there and I looked around
at all these people. So many people. Wander why I never noticed before.
Before, it was just me and Fraser. A duet. Most of the time, we were
the only two people in the world. Now, I'm kind of.....I'm the only one
left. I'm watching all these people. I'm just an observer. Not a part
of this life, I just tune in to it like a television show. Can't turn
it off when I want to, that's the only problem.  Detached, I guess, would
be the word. Isolated. Ben was my anchor. Without him, I'm pretty much
floating.  I can't tell him how I feel. Don't want to. Don't want to
be a pain in the ass. Stella always said that was one of my biggest problems;
I'm just too damn clingy. Could've talked to Stella. Could have. But
now she's sort of dating Vecchio and I can't take my problems to her.
I've got my own life back now. That's a plus. I think. Truth is, I like
Vecchio's life better. He's got his mum and his sisters and his brother-in-law.
I got my folks.....well, not really 'cause they moved back to Arizona.
I had Fraser. Had. Vecchio's got Fraser. So I guess that just leaves
me. Wow. It really is lonely out here. Haven't felt this way since the
divorce. Funny thing is I've been here before, but I don't remember it
hurting this much. I'm a replacement for Ray Vecchio. Told myself that.
Keep telling myself that, but somehow I still resent the bastard for
coming back and reclaiming his life. I was getting comfortable. That
is my own fault. I dropped my guard.  Should have been more careful.
Maybe it's time to pack up and leave. Get on with my life. I just wish
Fraser would......./ 

Constable Benton Fraser slowly closed the journal.  /If I would what?
/, he thought, /Why didn't he finish? /  He turned and looked at the
man who was dozing fitfully on the couch. Detective Ray Kowalski was
stretched out at an odd angle, with one foot up on a throw pillow, the
other hanging just above the ground.  He cradled an empty bottle Johnnie
Walker in his arm as if it were a stuffed toy.  Ben sighed and ran his
fingers through his dark hair. He had had no idea that his partner felt
this way. He had taken note that Ray seemed aloof from him lately, slipping
out for lunch without a word and leaving work in much the same manner,
without bothering to say goodnight. In all the excitement he'd neglected
to pursue the matter. Until now. And 'now', somehow, felt too late. 
He shouldn't have read the journal, that much he knew.  It had been lying
open on the table when he arrived and he'd seen his name. The temptation
was too great. Part of him was glad he had read it. At least now he knew
what was going on in Ray's head. The blond would never have come to him
on his own. 

 Ben went to where his partner slept and squatted beside the couch. He
pulled the bottle from Kowalski's unresisting grasp and set it aside.
The detective mumbled softly, but then settled again. Fraser gripped
his shoulder and shook him gently. "Ray. Ray. Ray." The American awoke
with a start, pulling away from the Mountie. "Ray! It's me." Still somewhat
disoriented, it took a moment for recognition to replace the confusion
in the detective's glacier blue eyes.  He relaxed finally, lithe body
uncurling from the defensive posture it had taken on, but he maintained
distance from his friend's hands. "Whadaya doing here, Frase?", he asked.
The bitter tone in his partner's voice stung the Mountie deeper than
he would let the other man see. "Lieutenant Welsh asked me to check on
you. You didn't show up for work. He tried your home and cell phone to
no avail." Ray's eyes widened. He reached out to pull his watch from
his coat pocket. "Oh, shit! I gotta get down there." He tried to get
up, but was pushed down by the Canadian. "Fraser!", he yelped, falling
back.
"You're in no condition to go to the precinct today. You're still disoriented
from your recent alcohol consumption and--" "I can't call in drunk!",
the blond snapped. "Now, lemme up!" Ben kept his hand pressed firmly
against the detective's chest as he struggled. "Ray! I am not going to
let you go." Kowalski ceased fighting then and slumped in his seat, breathing
hard. It alarmed Ben at how quickly the usually energetic blond tired
without so much of a fight. He squatted in front of his partner and placed
his hand on Ray's knee. "I haven't seen much of you lately.", he said.
The blond shrugged. "Been busy. Working."
"I see."
"You see." He scoffed. "Anyway, with Vecchio being back, I figured you
didn't want me tagging along. Felt like a fifth wheel." Fraser frowned.
"You are not a fifth wheel. I find your company very pleasant. And I
have missed it." Ray turned his head, muttering something that sounded
like, 'could've fooled me.' "I beg your pardon?", Ben asked. 
"Nothin'." Kowalski's brow furrowed. "You know what's funny? I thought
I left that journal open." Fraser followed his friend's gaze to the table
where the book lay. He sighed, "I have a confession to make, Ray." Without
warning, the detective pushed him away and stood up unsteadily. "I'll
bet you do.", he muttered, moving away from Fraser ungracefully.  He
nearly stumbled once and Ben reached out his hand, taking a step toward
his friend. Ray caught his balance and made a gesture that warned the
Mountie to stay away. "Don't need your help.", he growled. Ben could
see his partner's dangerous temper being to awaken. "I don't think you
understand, Ray--"
"Yer not a fifth wheel, Ray.", he mimicked sarcastically, "I find yer
company *pleasant.* " He spat the last word. Fraser sighed. "Ray--"
"I do not need yer fucking sympathy, you condescending son of a bitch.",
he snapped viciously.  Ben watched quietly as his partner stalked into
the kitchen and opened up another Johnnie Walker.  He watched quietly
as Ray locked his lips to the bottle and threw his head back, swallowing
gulp after gulp. "What is this going to solve?", he asked gently, careful
to keep his voice neutral.  The American slammed the bottle back on the
counter. "It solves everything!", he replied, voice rasping. "Get the
hell out of my apartment. It's the only thing I have left that is still
mine." Fraser saw the tears beginning to rise. He felt the sting of tears
behind his own eyes. He needed this man so badly. He wanted to speak,
but was at a loss for words. The situation was.... dangerous. Trying
to reason with Ray in this state was like walking through a minefield.
A wrong word and he could loose what little faith Ray had left in him
as a friend. But his silence was not helping either. If anything, it
was widening the gulf already between them. "I'm sorry.", he whispered.
Ray stared at him blankly.
"Assignment's over, 'kay? You don't have to be nice anymore."
"You are my friend and my partner."
"No. Vecchio is your friend and partner. I'm just.......I am exactly
what I've always been, just a replacement. Some things never change."
"I did not tell you that I enjoyed your company because I was trying
to make you happy, Ray.", he responded sternly. "You know how I feel
about flattery. It is cheap and undignified. I told you I enjoyed your
company, because it is true. These past few days, I have missed our conversations
and the sound of your voice." Kowalski glared at him as steadily as he
could manage through his alcoholic haze. "You missed Vecchio." It was
not a question. The Mountie nodded.
"You're right. I did. He is my friend, but so are you."
"I wish I could believe you, buddy." The detective's tough facade was
beginning to show deep cracks. "Why can't you, Ray?" Kowalski looked
down, his face flushing.
"Because.....I can't be..." He took a shaky breath. "I can't be thrown
away again, Frase." Ben walked into the kitchen. As he neared Kowalski,
the blond backed away. He got no further than four steps and he was cornered.
Ben took his friend's face in his hands. "Look at me.", he whispered.
The blond blinked twice, but his eyes remained downcast. "Ray, look at
me.", Ben said again, more firmly.  Ray raised his gaze slowly until
it was locked to Fraser's. "I missed Ray Vecchio and I'm very happy to
see him again. But I have neglected *our* friendship and for that I have
no excuse. You are my partner and you're my friend. Nothing will ever
change how I feel about you. Do you understand?" A thin smile appeared
on Ray's lips. "Yeah." He sounded relieved, though not completely convinced.
Ben frowned suddenly, remembering. "Why didn't you come to me?", he asked.
His partner blinked, apparently caught offguard. "I, uh, dunno. Didn't
want to be a pest. You seemed so happy with Vecchio. I didn't want to
be a burden.", he replied, choking slightly on his words. In his own
ears, he sounded childish and petty. Fraser, on the hand, seemed genuinely
concerned about Ray's line of thinking. "You could never be a burden
to me. I need to know when you are hurt, Ray." He gestured to the bottle.
"Please don't do this again.  I couldn't bear it if anything happened
to you." The smile on Kowalski's lips grew, brightening his weary features.
Ray closed his eyes as Fraser brushed his tears away.  He found comfort
in the feel of the Mountie's hands, the tenderness with which they caressed
him. He took a step forward, pressing into the touch. This gesture of
trust was heartbreaking to Ben and he wanted now, more than ever to protect
him from the outside world.  Fraser pulled the American to him and wrapped
his arms tightly around the smaller man.  Ray's arms moved to encircle
his partner's waist, fingers curling into his tunic. Though he dared
not say it, Ben was terrified for his Ray. The street tough exterior
that the detective hid behind was paper-thin. In their time together
Fraser had seen that wall crumble more than once. Behind it, Ray was
innocent, frail. The slightest act of cruelty could shatter him. Ben
held Ray until the feeling of terror subsided and then he kissed his
partner's forehead lovingly. This sent a shiver through both men, which
raised the hairs on the back of their necks. Ray tilted his head up slightly.
He could feel the heat of Ben's breath against his lips. Fraser stroked
his partner's cheek. "Ray..." Their lips brushed, but then parted before
they could seal in a kiss. Again, brush and part. Fraser swallowed. He
could hear, he could feel the pounding of Ray's heart and felt that same
beat echoed within his own chest. He ran his thumb over his partner's
quivering lower lip, but still the American's eyes remained closed. 
Trembling Ben pressed his lips to his friend's. Kowalski's mouth opened
beneath his. Gentle. Tender. Soft. Need for air finally separated them.
Ray's eyes opened slowly and meeting Ben adores gaze, he smiled. This
simple gesture set off a bright spark of emotion inside the Mountie,
touched a place deep down. He sighed happily as his partner settled against
him, nuzzling his jaw. "Frase?" Ray tilted his head slightly.  Flames,
flames, flames.  Ben's body was on fire, the heating rising within him.
He knew what Ray was asking and wanted it. /Why did I wait so long? How
could I not have realized?  I want Ray in every way a human being can
have another. Heart, body, soul. /  His eyes must have betrayed his desire,
because suddenly the detective was kissing him again.  At some point
Ben's body must have gone into autopilot, because when his brain finally
caught up, he was lying on the bed. Ray straddled him, running his hands
up and down the Mountie's still clothed chest. "Ray...", Fraser murmured.
The American smiled.
"Tell me what you want, Ben.", he whispered. Fraser licked his lips,
trying to think. The heat of Ray's body, the weight of him, was overwhelming.
"Show me yourself.", he managed. In his own ears it made no sense, but
his partner understood. Kowalski pulled his shirt over his head, displaying
his slender body for his soon-to-be lover's eyes. Ben moaned. Again his
body picked up where the mind left off and he wrapped his arms around
the detective's waist and pulled him down onto the bed. 


Ray awoke sluggishly, his slender body arching up. He could feel the
Mountie's eyes on him and so he made a great show of stretching his aching
muscles. It was Fraser's fault that everything ached, but Kowalski wasn't
really complaining. It was a good ache. A terrific ache.  He felt like
a virgin, experiencing the wonders of sex for the first time. He'd never
felt this with anyone else, not even Stella.  With Fraser it was....
Their lovemaking had been incredible, intensified by the strength of
their emotional bond. This was love. This was love.  He was still working
the kinks out of his stiff muscles when a voice, husky with sleep asked,
"Are you teasing me, Ray?"  Kowalski looked up his shoulder, grinning
broadly. "No. What makes you think that?" The bed creaked as Ben reached
out, wrapped one arm around Ray's waist and yanked him down in mid-stretch.
"Hey! What gives?", Kowalski demanded, doing his very best to sound annoyed,
though his eyes were laughing. "You look like a cat.", Ben murmured softly.
The Mountie's hot breath against his ear made Ray shudder. "Rub my belly?",
he asked seductively.  Fraser smiled, pulling the smaller man against
him. Kowalski moaned loudly at the feel of the Canadian's broad, warm,
smooth chest pressed to his back. Fraser's hand slid up over his partner's
narrow hip. His fingers traced a pattern over Ray's flat belly and then
began to rub it in circles. This simple action caused fireworks to go
off in the American's groin. He groaned loudly, muttering something that
was completely incoherent to him, but that Ben seemed to recognize. He
pushed back against his Mountie, pressing his backside against Fraser's
erection in a wordless plea. Fraser growled low in his throat, a sound
so primal that it sent a shiver through Ray. Ben rose, shifting his weight,
so he could turn Ray on his stomach and stretch over the smaller man.
The blond sighed happily and closed his eyes as he felt his lover's weight
settle over him.  / Lover. Hmmm, that sounds nice, like that. I could
get used to--- Mmmm. T-that's....oh, man, Fraser. / "Ben.", he moaned.
The Mountie's hand found his, Fraser's long fingers sliding between his
own. Kowalski felt the hot silk of his lover's tongue on the back of
his neck, heard Ben whisper, "I love you. I love you. Promise me you
will never leave or do anything to harm yourself. Promise me." "Never,
Frase. Never. I promise.", he replied. He heard the Mountie sigh happily.
Ray began to speak again, but his words were lost in a choked sob as
Ben began to move. God, this was love. 

 

Week after week passed in this manner. Ben had never thought such joy
could exist. He rarely slept at the Consulate anymore. Most every night
was spent with Ray. And most every day was spent thinking of him when
they were not together. Sometimes just these thoughts would raise the
heat in his cheeks. Kowalski rarely helped matters. Brushing against
Ben as they passed in the squad room, making obscene gestures when no
one else was paying attention. Everything the man did, his every tiny
gesture captivated and aroused the Mountie. His Ray. There were times
when these feelings frightened him. He had not thought it possible to
love a person with such intensity. He worried about Ray all the time.
Even when he was working a case with Ray Vecchio, he worried about what
his lover was doing, if he was safe, if he was being careful. He worried
until it drove him to distraction, until he was yanked back into the
here and now by an exasperated Italian. 

Ben could never speak to Ray Vecchio about his relationship with Ray
Kowalski and this was hurtful. His every attempt to bring the two men
together, if not as friends then at least as allies, had failed. They
both remained vehemently opposed to any kind of peace settlement. Neither
ego would allow it. So he went back and forth between the two. Vecchio's
patience was wearing thin, however. The Italian knew there was something
going on and he continually badgered his friend about it. Ben wanted
so badly to share with his new found happiness with his first partner,
but it was impossible. 

 Ray  Kowalski was in love. Terrific feeling. An incredible high that
no drug could ever copy.  Better than it had been with Stella. Everything
with Ben was better than it had been with Stella. He walked around with
butterflies and bunny rabbits jumping around in his stomach. Nervous,
jittery. But it was good nervous. A good jittery. 

=============================================================================


Almost quittin' time. Ray Kowalski grinned and sat back in his chair.
He glanced across the squad room where his lover stood, conversing with
Ray Vecchio. Hmm. Loved the way those riding pants curved a perfect line
down.....Oh, hell. He shook his head. Not right now. The detective sighed
deeply and glanced at the clock.  Twenty minutes. Felt like a goddamn
eternity. He turned his head back to the Mountie and an idea sprang to
mind. Ray reached for a piece of paper and a pen. He scribbled for a
few minutes and then quickly read over what he had written. With a mischievous
grin, he tucked the paper into a file and called to his lover. "Hey,
Frase. Need ya to look at somethin' for me.", he said as he walked toward
the Mountie. Ben quickly finished up his discussion with Vecchio and
met Stan half way. "What is it, Ray?" Kowalski flipped open the file
and held it out, angling it in such a manner that only Fraser could see
it.  The blond waited patiently as Ben read. The telltale blush began
to rise, reddening the Mountie's face and the tips of his ears. Ray grinned.
"Whadaya think?" Fraser swallowed and tugged nervously at the collar
of his tunic. "I think you have a talent for writing erotica, Ray.",
he said quietly. The detective pretended to be insulted. "Erotica? This
is down and dirty porn, Ben." Fraser gave him a disapproving glance.
"That's hardly something to take pride in.", he chastised. Kowalski scoffed.
"Oh. So I guess you wouldn't be interested in getting the, uh, animated
version of this." Again the Mountie tugged at his collar. "I didn't say
that.", he replied, somewhat hoarsely.  Ray's grin grew even wider. "Read
the last line and I might forgive you.", he said. Fraser's eyes widened
and his face was now a beet-root red. "Ray," he said making a helpless
gesture to the squadroom around him, "this is hardly the time or the
place." "Look, being a Boy Scout with get you plenty of cookies, but
it won't you any nookie. Read it." "Ray, please--"
"Fraser! Read. It." Taking a shaky breath, Ben looked down at the last
line. "I want to feel you inside me. Fuck me.", he whispered quickly.
Ray bit his lip to keep from laughing. "Can't hear you." The Mountie
glanced around desperately.
"Ray..."
"Can't hear you.", the detective responded in a singsong voice. Fraser
sighed. "I want to feel you inside me. Fuck me.", he read again, his
voice noticeably husky. Ray closed the folder. "Gladly. Now, was that
so hard?" Ben's eyes narrowed.
"You will be punished for that." Ray smiled flirtatiously.
"I should hope so.", he replied as he walked away. 



Fraser swallowed slowly as he watched his lover go.  Something in that
step. He brushed the back of his hand over the tiny beads of sweat that
had formed at his hairline. "Benny!" He turned to see Ray Vecchio walking
toward him.
"Yes, Ray." The Italian nodded his head in Kowalski's direction.
"What did *Stan* want?" Ben shook his head.
"Just help on a case." Vecchio's eyes narrowed.
"Really? What case?"  That seemed to catch the Mountie offguard.
"Um...uh, a pickpocket.", he replied, going with the first thing that
came to mind and kicking himself for it as soon as it left his lips.
Vecchio's expression was priceless. "A pickpocket?", he asked incredulously.
"Yes.", Ben replied. The detective rolled his eyes.
"Sure, Fraser." He tapped the file he was holding across his arm. "Tomorrow,
I know you've got work, but you wanna get dinner afterward?" Ben tilted
his head. Work? No, he had tomorrow off. Who had told Vecchio that he
had to work? It--Oh. He smiled to himself. Ray. His Ray. "Sure, Ray.",
he replied, "Dinner would be great." Vecchio grinned. "O.k. How about
Gabrielle's at seven o'clock? Unless you got some other place in mind."
Fraser shook his head. "No, Gabrielle's is fine."
"Good." He sighed, glancing at his watch. "Time to head home. You need
a ride or..." "No, thank you. Ray is giving me a ride." Vecchio raised
an eyebrow. "*Stan*?" Ben nodded.
"Stan." The Italian grinned. 
"Alright then. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Good night, Ray." Vecchio patted him heartily on the back.
"Night, Benny."

====================================================================


"Ohhh, God. How many times was that?", Ray Kowalski gasped, stripping
the bed sheet from his sweat drenched body. "I lost count.", Ben murmured.
"You know, I think Diefenbaker has better control over his sexual urges
than we do." Ray chuckled, snuggling close to his lover. "Hmmm. Don't
have to be so harsh. We haven't had sex since..."
"Last night?", Ben interjected.  Ray grinned sleepily.
"That's a long time." He shifted slightly, rubbing his thigh along Ben's.
"Too long."  Fraser slipped his arm around the detective and nuzzled
the other man's forehead. He enjoyed this smell.  Sex and sweat. There
was something wild and primal about it. He stroked the side of the blond's
cheek, ran his thumb gently over his lower lip. "Ray?", Ben asked suddenly,
"Did you tell Ray Vecchio that I had to work today?" Though his eyes
were closed, a smile grew on Kowalski's lips. "Yup. Figured that way
you and me could have some privacy." Ben ruffled his lover's matted hair
"It was a thoughtful gesture, but--"
"Wasn't thoughtful. Completely selfish, actually. I wanted you all to
myself." "I am flattered, but I do not like lying to Ray Vecchio." He
felt Kowalski's body tense. "And I don't like talkin' about that arrogant
bastard after having incredible sex. It just ruins the mood.", the detective
growled. This response caused Ben to burst into a fit of laughter. Ray
glared at his partner in disbelief. "What the hell is so damn funny?!",
he demanded.  Fraser was gasping for breath. "You are.", he managed.
More irate than ever, Ray started to pull away, but the Mountie held
him fast.  He took hold the American's arms, pinning him to the mattress.
"I love so very much.", he whispered, kissing the detective passionately.
"Why? Cause you can laugh at me?", Kowalski asked with as much anger
as he could manage. "Yes.", Ben replied honestly. The man beneath him
made a face.
"I don't like you." The Mountie attempted to keep a straight face. "Mmmm.
How can I earn back your love?"
"Didn't say I didn't like you, just don't like you."
"Ah. I see. Well, what can I do to make you like me again?" Ray thought
for a moment. "You can let me make you breakfast." Fraser rolled off
his partner. "Agreed."


*

Ben smiled as he watched Ray move around the kitchen. When the music
was on, it seemed that Kowalski lost himself is an entirely different
world. The detective turned now and stopped awkwardly in mid-step as
he met his friend's eyes. "What?", he asked. The Mountie moved toward
him, lovingly brushing a stray eyelash from beneath his eye. "You are
so beautiful.", Ben murmured. His lover blushed. 
"That's funny coming from you.", he replied softly. Fraser moved toward
Ray and wrapped his arms around the smaller man. Ray sighed, nuzzling
his partner's neck. "I'm afraid for you.", the Canadian murmured suddenly.
It was nothing something he had meant to say; it had simply come out.
It was now out in the open and somehow that made Fraser uneasy. He couldn't
see Ray's face and that made it impossible to know what the other man
was thinking. "Why, Ben?", Kowalski whispered. He ran his fingers through
his lover's soft blond hair. "I am afraid of loosing you.", he replied.
Ray drew away, looking at him intently. "I'm not going anywhere." Ben
caressed his partner's cheek.
"I know." He kissed the top of Ray's head. "Back to bed?" Kowalski grinned
and backed up, tugging at the Mountie's robe. "Uh-huh."

 
*

Ben woke feeling wonderfully slothful. He turned his head and felt the
soft spikes of lover's hair brush his chin. Ray slumbered peacefully,
his head pillowed on the Mountie's chest.  He ran his fingers lightly
up and down the length of the American's back as he reached over to take
his watch from the nightstand. He gasped when he saw the time.  7:02pm.
"Oh, dear.", he murmured, softly. He was supposed to meet Ray Vecchio
for dinner at seven. Ben sighed, he would have been happy to lie here
with his Ray. Forever.  Ben pulled himself from the bed, taking special
care not to disturb his partner. Kowalski whined at the loss, but did
not wake. 

 Fraser dressed quietly and left a note for his lover on the pillow.
Then he went out to meet with Ray Vecchio. 


*


Ray Vecchio didn't like Stanley Kowalski and Stanley Kowalski didn't
like Ray Vecchio. No pretense there. But that was the workplace; one
can't like everyone they work with.  Normally, Vecchio would have just
stayed clear of Kowalski and that would be that. But this hate/hate relationship
had one major complication. And that complication was walking toward
Vecchio with an appropriately embarrassed look on his angelic face. Constable
Benton Fraser. One very big complication.  Kowalski was a bad influence
on the Mountie, of that much Ray was certain. The man was a live wire.
Unpredictable, immature and generally a lousy cop. He didn't quite like
the idea of Ben still hanging around the skinny little blond and this
feeling was further rooted as Fraser settled into the booth in front
of him. "Hello, Ray." Vecchio frowned.
"You're late.", he said.  Ben smiled apologetically.
"Yes. I apologize. I had....some business to attend to." Ray raised an
eyebrow. "With Kowalski?", he guessed.  Fraser nodded.
"Yes."
"You ready to order?" Both men looked up at the sliver-haired waitress
who stood before them. "Yeah. Gimme a chicken sandwich and a large Coke.
Benny?" Fraser smiled politely at the waitress. "I'll have the salad."
The older woman scribbled down the orders and made it a point to flash
the Mountie a 'come hither' smile before she left. Ray watched this with
amusement. "You still got it, Benny.", he said. Fraser looked at him
with some confusion. "Got what?" Vecchio started to explain, but then
thought better of it. "Nevermind.", he replied. He wanted to question
Ben on this Kowalski matter, but it seemed trivial now. He had his friend
here and that was all that mattered. 


*


"Ray, could you drop me off at Ray--uh, Stan's apartment?" Vecchio glanced
at the clock in his car. 10:22pm. "Now?", he asked his passenger. The
surprise in his voice was poorly veiled.  Ben nodded patiently. "Yes.
Is that all right? It *is* closer than the Consulate." 
"W-well, yeah. B-but...", he stammered. The Mountie tilted his head ever
so slightly. "But, what, Ray?" Vecchio slumped in the driver's seat.
"Nothing." He glanced at his friend and forced a smile for the other
man's benefit. "Sure, Benny." Fraser smiled warmly. "Thank you, Ray."
The remainder of the trip was consumed in uncomfortable silence. 


*


Ray Vecchio grinded his teeth as he watched Ben walk into the entrance
of Kowalski's apartment. He couldn't even fathom what the two could possibly
be doing at this hour.  As he pulled into traffic he began aware that
he was gripping the steering wheel with enough force, that his knuckles
had turned white. He didn't have alot of friends, alot of people he could
trust. There was his family, of course, but outside of that, all he really
had was Benny.  /And I'm loosing Benny.  I'm loosing my best friend to
my own fucking replacement.  I'm loosing Benny to a scrawny, little punk
rocker looking...ugh, geek. Moron. Twit. /  There wasn't even a word
to describe the little fuckhead. /Mountie's holding out on me, I know
that. There was a time when I was the only thing he had in this godforsaken
city. Now he looks at me like I'm a stranger. He can't even talk to me.
/  Ray sighed deeply and bit back the sting behind his eyes.  He felt
himself flush. This was embarrassing. He felt like a small child whose
best buddy in the whole wide universe had found a new playmate. Ridiculous.
/Grow up, Ray.  If it bothers me this much, then I'll go to talk to him
myself.  The world does not begin and end with Stanley fucking Kowalski.
/ 


*

  
 He was closer to home than he realized, less than a block away, when
he noticed Fraser's Stetson on the dashboard. One part of him thought
it more practical to give it to Ben tomorrow morning, but a nagging voice
made him turn the car around and head back to Kowalski's apartment. He'd
give the Mountie back his hat and put all the cards on the table while
he was at it. If he couldn't come clean to his best friend then who the
hell could be come clean to? 


*


Music played inside the apartment, something that sounded very much like
glam rock.  /How does Benny stand this guy? / Ray sighed and raised his
hand to knock on the door, but then stopped. There was another sound.....Moaning,
gasping. He knew that sound well. It was universal. The language of passion,
sex. He placed his palms flat against the door and leaned in, to press
his ear to the wood. *... want your roughhouse baby...* A guttural moan.
*... want this right in your ear....* Kowalski's voice, but huskier and
far more open, unguarded.                                           
"God, Frase. Please." Almost a sob. *...You let me feel your danger...*
Ray lifted his head from the door. His curiosity had gotten the better
of him. He wanted to, he *needed* to know exactly what was going on.
He needed to know this was not some figment of a demented imagination.
He reached for the knob and twisted slowly. Unlocked. Unbelievable. /Guess
some of Fraser rubbed off on Kowalski. /, Ray thought as he opened the
door just enough to see in.  *...I want the touch of your charms...*
Stan was sitting against the couch, his body arched, his head thrown
back, eyes closed, Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed.
*...The heat of your breath...* His legs were spread and a pale hands
gripped his thigh. Stan's own hands were flexing, his fingers curling
and uncurling into the sable locks of Fraser's hair as the Mountie's
mouth moved up and down over the blond's....oh, man.  *...I wanna say
all those things..*  Ray turned away, feeling violently ill. *...That
would be better unsaid....* He shut the door as quietly as possible and
ran.   
  
 He barely made it out to the sidewalk, before he vomited the remnants
of his chicken sandwich. Fraser and Kowalski? There was no way. No way.
Fraser was a good guy, straight as an arrow. There was no way Benny,
his Benny, was a cocksucker.  No.  Ray shook his head. Kowalski, maybe.
The little rat looked like a punk, but not the Mountie. Vecchio leaned
heavily against his car, drawing cold breaths into his burning lungs.
This was all Kowalski's doing. Of that much, he was certain. He lured
Ben off the straight and narrow, turned him into some goddamn.....Vecchio
scrowled. He couldn't even think of a word. What was there to describe
what he just seen? There was no simple way. Christ, he'd walked in on
his Canadian partner going down on a Chicago flatfoot like a 10-dollar
whore. It was a sin, pure and simple. /Son of a bitch. / 



=========================================================================

"Mmmmm. Too early.", Ray Kowalski mumbled as Ben rubbed his belly in
circles. "You have to go to work. I have to go to work. We have to get
up, Ray.", the Mountie replied, in his most practical tone. The detective
groaned and opened his eyes. "Why? Can't we just call in sick or somethin'?"
Fraser shook his head. "I don't think so." Taking the initiative, Ben
rolled out of bed and yanked the covers off Kowalski. "Pitter-patter.",
he said, mimicking his lover's favored phrase. Ray laughed. "Let's get
at 'er?", he finished. The Canadian nodded and bent down to brush his
lips over Ray's. "Yes. " By some act of God, the exhausted detective
managed to pull himself from the bed and follow his naked Mountie into
the bathroom. 

*

 They were still tangled up in each other and kissing fervently as Ray
helped Ben button his tunic. "I'm going to be late." Fraser's plea was
muffled against his lover's mouth, but he couldn't seem to tear himself
away. Kowalski only grinned and nipped at Fraser 's lower lip. He pressed
against Ben until the Mountie was backed against the kitchen counter,
with no place to go. The hands that had started buttoning the tunic were
now retracing their steps and unbuttoning them.  Laughing, Ben caught
Ray's hands and held them. "Ray." The detective looked at him with desire
glazed eyes.
"Hmmm?"
"If we want to remain employed it is imperative that we go to work."
It took a moment for the seriousness in Ben's eyes to reach his lover.
"Fine.", Ray replied with a pout, "But you're not gonna have a whole
lotta fun standing guard duty with, um, boner in your pants." The Mountie
frowned, rebuttoning his tunic. "I can control my urges, Ray."
"Or you could let me help you with it.", the detective suggested gleefully.
Before Fraser could respond, the blond had dropped to his knees before
him and opened his riding pants. 

In the end, they were both late for work.


*

End of the day. Thank you, God. Ray Kowalski raked his fingers through
his blond spikes. Long day. Really, long day.  Two drug busts and one
assault. /Christ, I have to get outta this city. Maybe go up to the Yukon
Territories with Frase./  That thought brought a smile to his lips. He
could hear Ben's voice in his head reminding him that it was the Yukon
or the Northwest Territories. He had showered and changed here, since
Fraser had gotten dibs on the apartment tonight.  He glanced at the clock.
8:35pm.  Ben wanted him at the apartment at nine. No earlier.  Something
about a 'special' dinner. /Cool.  Love surprises. /  The detective pulled
on a clean shirt and tossed the dirty one back into his locker. His hand
was hardly out of the locker when the door began to close. Kowalski backed
away startled, as his locker door suddenly slammed shut. Ray Vecchio
stood before him, hand pressed firmly against Stan's locker. His head
was slightly bowed, lips twisted into a scowl and fire dancing in his
eyes.  Kowalski looked over the other man with mild annoyance. "You wanna
move Vecchio?", he asked calmly, "I wasn't done." 
"Oh, you're done.", the Italian snapped.  The blond sighed and folded
his arms over his chest. "O.k. What's your problem?", he asked with the
same tone he would use on a spoiled child. "I want to stay the hell away
from the Mountie."
"What?"
"You heard me, you fucking queer. Stay away from Fraser." Stan's eyes
widened slightly and Vecchio continued. "You lured him into your dirty
fucking faggot lifestyle, you fucking snake." The blond's jaw tightened,
but he was determined not to loose his temper. "I don't think you have
all your facts straight, Vecchio, so maybe you should back off.", he
replied, but his voice was weak. "He doesn't like you, Kowalski. Think
about that. He just doesn't want to hurt you, he doesn't want you to
leave. That's all it is. He's just *fucking* you, so you don't go off
and commit suicide or something.  He's trying to save himself the guilt.
You're nothing but a charity case to him." Stan swallowed slowly, those
words twisting inside him like a blade. Of course. Vecchio was a bastard,
but he spoke the truth. Stan hadn't seen it until now. Of course. This
had all begun after Ben read his journal, found him passed out drunk
on the couch. Of course.  God, he was just.....why hadn't he seen it
before?  He bit the inside of his cheek to prevent tears, but felt the
sting behind his eyes. No way in hell was he going to breakdown in front
of Ray. He bit down harder and drew blood.  Still the tears rose and
he leaned his forehead against the locker. Vecchio scoffed. "You're fucking
pathetic.", he said softly. "Just stay away from Benny."  And then he
was gone and Stan was alone. 


*


10: 52pm. Where was Ray? Ben sighed and drummed his fingers on the arm
rest of Kowalski's couch. He had told Ray nine, hadn't he? It was unlike
the blond to be so late.  His eyes moved between the clock and telephone.
*Where is he?* 


*

 
Ray looked at his watch. 10:54pm. He was thinking he was supposed to
be somewhere, but damned if he could remember where. Couldn't have been..too...important.
Couldn't really think....'bout that.....right.....now. After one full
bottle of Bacardi and half a bottle of Chivas, Ray Kowalski's brain was
having a good deal of trouble trying to put a rational thought together.
"Hey." Ray motioned to the bartender. "Where is this?" The large man's
brow knitted in confusion. "I beg yer pardon?" Ray inhaled deeply and
tried to clear his blurred vision. "Where am I?", he asked again. Now
the bartender frowned. 
"Just outside Gary.", he replied. Kowalski blinked.
"Where the hell is Gary?" Now the man rolled his eyes.
"Michigan.", he replied, taking hold of Ray's Chivas bottle. "And I'd
say you've hit your limit, blondie." Ray managed a crooked smile and
nodded. "Yeah. Well, then I'll just be on my way." He started to take
his keys from the bar, but the bartender gripped his wrist tightly and
pulled the keys away. "I don't think so.", he said sternly.
"Hey, man--", the blond began.
"Don't start with me, young fella. There's a motel around back.  Check
yerself in and sleep it off." Ray scowled as the bartender turned away.
He watched the man drop his keys into a pickle jar behind a Miller Lite
sign. Kowalski growled, trying hard to think. /Michigan? Well now, this
isn't Kansas anymore. /  As he stared into the empty glass in front of
him, he wondered why he wasn't getting drunk at home. *Why the fuck did
I drive out to Gary to get a drink? Couldn't have been a good thing.
I can't remember, suppose that's a good thing. /  He rubbed his hands
over his face. /Christ, I don't even know what I'm running away from.
/  He sighed and slid off the barstool.  Maybe it was about time to call
it a night. /Don't wanna sleep in a roach motel. Wanna go home. Maybe
I should call Frase--/  That stopped him. He swayed slightly, realization
creeping up on him slowly. "Oh.", he muttered to himself. "Fuckin' charity
case. Forgot." He felt the sting of tears behind his eyes, he bit his
lip and forced them back. He sniffed quietly. / 'Kay. Now what? /  Ray
patted his jacket. /Need my keys. Need my keys. What the hell did I--Oh.
/  His eyes moved in direction on the Miller Lite sign. The bartender
was in deep discussion with an equally large truck driver at the other
end of the bar. Ray saw the opportunity and took it. 

 Safely outside, keys dangling from his right hand, he leaned against
the wall to take a breath of air and regain his balance. Abit shaky,
but no big deal.  Ray rubbed his eyes. If his vision would just clear....
Ugh. He staggered slowly to his car, which was parked, between two large
Mack trucks. /Funny. I don't remember those being there. Oh, well. /

 Once inside the GTO, it took some time to find all the controls. He
started the car, put her in reverse, but what was he forgetting? /Oh,
fuck me. The lights. Now where the hell did the lights go? Hmm./  The
radio was on, blasting really.  It made his head ache, but it felt good.
Needed that. Cleared his head alittle.                       "--leaving
you with 'Suck' from Nine Inch Nails.", the DJ signed off as the song
began *.... there is no god up in the sky tonight...*  Ray was still
fiddling with the controls, trying to find his lights. *...no sign of
heaven anywhere in sight..* Finally locating them, he turned on the high
beams and moved his foot from the brake, stomping down on accelerator.
*....all that was true is left behind...* The GTO flew backwards into
the road. *...once I could see now I am blind...* It was a split second.
Ray never got the chance to realize what a grievous error he had made.
*...don't want your dreams you try to sell...* Bright lights, blinded
him before everything disappeared in an explosion of light and heat.
*....this disease I give to myself...*                   

*... how does it feel...* Lights flickered on and off before Ray's eyes.
There was the sharp hiss of steam escaping from somewhere. *...she makes
it sweeter than the sun...* The radio was still on. That song was still
playing. *....I get too tight I come undone...* He tried to make a fist.
His hand was slick, wet. He rolled the moisture between his fingers,
wandering what it was. *....I bow my head to confess...* He tried to
raise his head, but it hurt. Oh, Christ, it hurt. *....the temple walls
are made of flesh...* He moved his other hand, felt broken glass in his
palm. *....runs up my arms 'til I'm on track...* He could hear voices
faintly. Maybe they were talking to him, he wasn't sure. *...itches my
skin right off of my back...*  Ray closed his eyes, licking his lips.
Weird. Coppery taste. Blood. That thought made him chuckle weakly. *....I'll
heal your wounds...* His chest felt heavy. Jeez, really heavy. He tried
to take a deep breath, but found it difficult. *...I'll set you free...*
Felt dizzy. Really dizzy. Smelled gas. Was something burning? *....I'm
Jesus Christ on Ecstasy....* He felt a warm hand on his forehead. Someone
was talking to him. *....How does it feel...* Someone telling him that
they were here to help. *...How does it feel...* Someone telling him
to stay calm. *...I am so dirty on the inside....*  Someone telling him
that everything would be fine. *...I am so dirty on the inside...* He'd
stopped believing that a long time ago.