Rating: G
Pairing:
None
Spoilers: Burning Down the House, Eclipse,
Mountie on the Bounty, probably others... If it sounds bizarre or unlikely,
it's probably canon.
Disclaimers
and Warnings: The usual - unowned but not unloved, yadda, yadda,
yadda.
Feedback: Of course.
Comments to: mhhealey@iastate.edu
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Confession
A late autumn sun burnished the stone and brickwork that sheltered families in the old neighborhood, flashing fire from the just-reinstalled storm windows and setting pumpkin and Indian corn decorations aglow. Collars opened to catch the last warmth of the day, two men strolled down the sidewalk, their silence chaperoned by an inquisitive wolf. The silk-clad figure smiled mischievously and turned to his flannel-jacketed companion.
"So, Benny, I hear it didn't take you long to forget me."
Startled, Fraser responded to the words and not the teasing tone. "I've never forgotten you, Ray. Well, there was the time I fell off the van, but I forgot myself, too, if you recall."
"That's not what Huey's been telling me. He says it took you about five minutes to turn yourself into Kowalski's shadow. And Kowalski's full of 'Fraser this' and 'Fraser that'," Ray grinned, then frowned. "I don't get it. When I met you, your best friend was a wolf. It was weeks before you'd come to me about anything other than work. You were so polite and busy not being a bother, man, it was like pulling teeth getting to know you. And after all that, I hear you take to Kowalski like a long-lost brother or something." Gradually, the friendly ribbing gathered strength and became strident.
"Ray," Fraser began. "I didn't forget you. Quite the opposite, in fact." Fraser halted, inhaled deeply and straightened his already impossibly-straight shoulders a fraction. "There is an explanation, if you'd care to hear it?"
Ray gaped, but recovered quickly with a shrug. "Who wouldn't? Unless it involves Eskimos or caribou poop or something equally disgusting."
"Inuit, Ray. And, no, no caribou of any kind. Although I'm not certain about the 'equally disgusting' part. I'm not particularly proud of what I did, or the consequences."
"Ok, now you've got my attention. Let's hear it."
They walked on, seemingly aimless but with energy. Dief checked in briefly, but was soon distracted by careless litter spread by the evening breeze. Fraser sorted his thoughts, chose an approach, discarded irrelevancies, gathered the remaining points into what he hoped will be a coherent whole. Two blocks later, he started speaking.
"When Lt. Welsh explained the importance of sustaining your cover's cover, I was resolved to play my part, small though it was. After all, failure would affect your safety. Despite what happened afterward, I never meant to endanger you, Ray."
"I know that, Benny. Truth is, I was ready to give it up anyway, but the Feds weren't making it easy. 'One more month', 'a little more', 'just one last thing', they weren't letting me go without a push." Ray grinned. Fraser returned a wry, companionable smile, but soon shook his head and returned to worrying the original subject.
"As you know, I am no hand at deception." They shared another amused glance. "There are some small dishonesties, of course, usually what are called 'sins of omission'. Denial, redirection, deliberate misunderstanding, using the conventions of polite discourse to obfuscate or circumvent. Lies that aren't really lies, merely an avoidance of the truth.
"For your sake, I couldn't avoid him. Denial was dangerous. Pretense was required. Pretense I felt ill-equipped to successfully carry out."
Silence, broken only by the scrunch of discarded leaves and click of Dief's paws across the pavement.
Fraser rushed on, alternately seeking Ray's eyes and glancing away, awkward and earnest. "I couldn't do anything directly to help, you see. It seems overly elaborate now, and the repercussions were troublesome, but at the time the only way I could think of treating him as you was, well, hypnosis. Self-hypnosis, actually."
"Self-hypnosis?" Ray snorted as Fraser flushed. "You hypnotized yourself into being his buddy? C'mon, Fraser, nobody hypnotizes themselves into friendship! That's just too weird, even for you."
"Hypnotic suggestion has limited usefulness, I admit. I couldn't, for example, persuade myself that Ray was you. All I could do was take my feelings toward you," Fraser struggled, "my regard and admiration, and associate them with Ray. A false memory, in a way. A false attitude, really. One that would fade gradually, as experience took its place. So the 'instant friendship' you suggest was actually built on the foundation of my relationship with you.
"There was always the chance that I wouldn't be able to make it work. I read his official file, trying to decide whether I could in good conscience work with him as closely as I did you. Foolish caution in hindsight, of course, but there you are.
"In any event, the post-hypnotic suggestion was effective. In retrospect, perhaps it worked too well. I had little difficulty considering him my friend and partner, but I also began to expect him to think and act the way you had. Obviously, this caused a certain amount of miscommunication. Mental double vision, in a way. When he'd say or do something unexpected, a frequent occurrence because I based my expectations on what you'd say or do, the surprise never really altered my perception of him. I spent a lot of time staring at him quite blankly, trying to reconcile who he was with how I thought he should be.
"For that reason, my behavior was inconsistent and that, in turn, unsettled Ray. Ray gets, well, somewhat belligerent when he's upset. And I couldn't tell him what I was doing, or that it wasn't his fault. Spending time with him was a strain, one that affected both of us adversely, but nothing seemed to weaken the implanted connection between you."
Fraser paused. "Until he hit me. Looking back, I deserved it, he stated his intentions quite clearly. But you don't hit, except in self-defense. You may threaten, shout, grab, or push, but you don't hit your friends and that's what threw me. When he struck me, the shock of it... well, the disparity finally registered, breaking the link between his presence and your actions. I finally began to see Ray as himself."
Ray's legs had kept pace with the agitated Mountie, but his brain was taking its own sweet time catching up. Disbelief, understanding, and amusement chased each other rapidly across his clear features. "I don't believe it." As Fraser took breath to speak again, Ray raised a hand in surrender. "Ok, I believe it, in fact it's totally typical of you, Benny. What did he do when you told him?"
"I haven't told him, Ray. And I'm not going to tell him. Neither are you." The thin press of Fraser's lips willed Ray's obedience. Ray was not so easily persuaded.
"C'mon, Benny! It's a great story, how could you expect me to keep it to myself?" Just the right pitch, the practiced wheedle. But Fraser was adamant.
"Ray, I've been blessed with two exceptional friends and learned to value both of you for your uniqueness. But you can't tell Ray about the hypnosis. He'd see it as a betrayal, and I won't hurt him."
It was Ray's turn to attempt argument, and Fraser's to raise a pleading hand.
"That's not entirely true. I won't risk my own hurt. I need him, Ray." Ray's eyebrows shot up, and Fraser hastily added. "I need you, too, of course. But Ray's experience has shown him that an uncorrected misapprehension condemns a relationship based on trust. I won't tell him because he's my friend, a true friend now.
"And you won't tell him because you're my friend. Telling him would hurt all of us, and I don't know that I'd ever forgive you." Fraser snorted suddenly and twitched a sideways glance at Ray. "If you want to hurt me, you can always shoot me again." Ray flinched. "Sorry. Bad joke."
On the homeward stretch, Ray mused, "Hey, Benny? You keeping a secret from Kowalski makes me wonder if you're keeping secrets from me? You know you can tell me anything, right?"
Fraser, hands in pockets, smiled to himself very gently, as if examining an old and precious thought. "If I had a secret from you, Ray, you'd be the first to know. Let's go home."