"Enabling"
By Viridian5
9/30/00

RATING: NC-17; Fraser/Kowalski. If m/m interaction bothers you, walk away now.
SPOILERS: "Asylum"
SUMMARY: When Ray is badly injured, he and Fraser are forced to reassess the way they work together.
ARCHIVAL/DISTRIBUTION: Hexwood and Serge. If some kind person feels that this story is appropriate for DSX and wouldn't mind posting it, that would be great as well. Anywhere else too, as long as you ask me first.
FEEDBACK: can be sent to Viridian5@aol.com
DISCLAIMERS: All things due South belong to Alliance no matter how much I want Ray K to belong to me. No infringement intended. Suing me would be a waste of time. Besides, I'd just kick you in the head.
NOTES: Talking this one out with Latonya helped me clarify some of the things I wanted to say. Te also provided some help.
#1 in the Thinking Twice series

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"Enabling"
By Viridian5
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I had Fraser right where I wanted him. Naked, tied to a chair with his hands behind his back, he shivered as I shifted on his lap. I shivered too, because I had his cock up my ass. I felt so good, and I knew I could feel even better if I released my clamp hold on the base of his cock and stopped pinning his hips down so hard he couldn't move, but I was making a point here.

"Let me," Fraser asked. "Please." I watched tiny beads of sweat move down the side of his face and wanted to lean forward to lick them off, but moving wouldn't be a good idea now.

"You keep telling me I should learn patience."

"Ray, please...." His voice sounded deeper and breathy, beyond sexy.

I should reward that, but I didn't intend to let him off that easy. I might never get another chance to get even for all the "ah"s and "hmm"s he'd ever given me and refused to explain, for every time he ran headfirst into danger, and for all the armed gunmen he'd provoked. I was in control now. "Yer gonna have to beg prettier than that, Fraser."

Desperate, he struggled to thrust up, but I had him pinned. Nice little flutter of movement inside me, though. I must have made an appreciative sound, because Fraser's smile twisted. He got another good micro-thrust in before I leaned down on him harder.

Fraser licked his lips. "Why should you keep delaying like this when I can make you feel very good right now?"

Hands tied behind his back, legs tied to the chair legs, dying to come, and he was still trying to be Mr. Smug Control. I shook my head and said, "This isn't about me. It's about us."

"Us?"

"Us. We're partners, but you don't trust my judgment. You keep walking into things all reckless, putting yerself in danger even when you don't have to, and that drags me in. So here you get to see that having me in control is a good thing."

"This is punishment, then?"

"Nope. This is a lesson. School's in. Are you listening? Do I have yer full attention?"

"Yes." He licked his lip, now looking thoughtful as well as horny and desperate. "I didn't see it the same way. I respect and trust you."

"Yer not showing it."

"I'll mend my ways. Ray, please...."

"I'm not cruel, though. It'll keep." Since I couldn't wait any more, I finally let him move. His first thrust was so hard and uncontrolled it just about had me seeing stars.

"Ray." He sounded concerned, but he could only gentle his thrusts, not stop them.

Which was more than fine with me. "No, it's great," I moaned. "I'm good." I stroked my own cock hard and fast.

If he hadn't been tied down, he would have thrown us off the chair when he came. Instead, he just knocked our heads together, which, weirdly enough, was the final thing I needed to set me off. But my head hurt....

I opened my eyes to see my dimly lit bedroom. I was lying in bed, tangled in my own sweaty sheets. Why did I have a nightlight plugged in? Never used one. The pounding in my head kept trying to be more conspicuous than the warm after-orgasm rush I felt. Nice dream, good dream... weird dream. I probably couldn't actually do half the stuff in it, it had been kinky beyond belief, and you knew your worry about your partner running unarmed into things was bad when it started to show up in your sex dreams too.

Once my breathing started to slow, I heard someone else in the room breathing too. Turning my head hurt for some reason, so I just glanced toward the door.

Fraser stood there dead still, his mouth slightly open, his eyes half closed, looking almost... debauched. Him not wearing the fire engine red tunic helped the whole debauched thing along, and only he could make suspenders look that sexy. Standing there, drop dead gorgeous, staring at me.

Staring at me. Oh, shoot. For how long? Did I say anything in my sleep?

And what was he doing here?

But it looked like he wanted me. I think.

Fraser came out of his trance and realized what he was doing. Made him look horrified and scared in addition to turned on. "Ray. Ray! I'm so-- I have no--"

Part of me remembered that he'd been doing the horrified and scared thing through a lot of the night. With that, everything else came back in a rush: what had happened tonight, why my face felt funny and my head hurt so bad, how long it had taken me to exhaust myself into sleep, why Fraser was over my apartment while I was having hot and crazy dreams in the next room.... It made me wish I could go back to my dream just so I could be Ray-before-the-big-wooden-crate-dropped-on-his-head.

Also, it would make me Ray-before-the-sorries-hit, because I saw what would come next here. Fraserian horror and apologies at watching me without me being able to do anything about. It always took him a lot of time to run down once he got the "I'm terribly sorry" train moving, so I had to derail it before it started.

This was going to hurt. Oh, hell, they'd sorted for masochism when they went looking for a guy to fill in for Vecchio. Very "seeking SWM cop with deep masochistic streak." But, hell, it would be more painful for me to listen to and watch Fraser work his way through his embarrassment, guilt, and apologies. I was more worried that I said something he shouldn't have heard than angry that he'd Peeping Tommed me-- Hmm. I should be pissed even if I did want to jump him. Wasn't, though.

Anyway, I lifted my head from the pillow and started to get out of bed. Fast, to get it over with.

I achieved a standing position but not without the inevitable grunts of pain that had "concerned partner" Fraser knocking "I'm so terribly sorry" Fraser out of the way. I didn't need his grip on my arm to keep me upright, but it did distract me a little from the agony of what felt like a giant anvil, Acme-sized, swinging through my head and neck.

Fraser had stayed to wake me up every hour in case I had a concussion after all. Not that he had to wake me through the first four hours after we got back from the hospital, since I couldn't sleep at first, not when my head felt like it had twenty different spots of pain, making it impossible to get comfortable on the pillow. After a few hours I'd finally managed to tucker myself out into unconsciousness and right into happy dreamland.

Which brought us back to Fraser watching me writhe and moan, though right now he just stared at me and said my name with a tone of voice that sounded more and more concerned with each "Ray." Geez, I should answer that. "It's okay," I said. "Thinking just hurts right now. Good thing I got knocked in the head, huh? I mean, it's the hardest part of my body." Well, now it was; a few minutes ago.... Okay, I was totally not going there.

"What do you need, Ray?"

Because I had to have a reason to get up and make myself feel this shitty. "Bathroom." Seeing the look on his face, I said, "Not gonna throw up. My head's not screwing that up. I need to use the can." Please let him just figure I needed to take a piss and not think about what else I might do in there.

Fraser's nostrils did that flaring thing, and I wondered if he could smell the come that was turning clammy and sticky in my boxers. Didn't know if the thought horrified me or turned me on, so I went with feeling a combination of both. I just had to have a partner with enhanced senses, didn't I? The other X-Men probably hated Wolverine sometimes.

He'd watched me.... Did I say his name in my sleep? His reaction didn't suggest it. At least, I didn't think it did. Argh.

Even if I'd been totally wordless, it was hard to tell where he'd land on these things. The same guy who sometimes announced that he had to "urinate" and had once stripped for me with gusto, ending by pulling my files out of his pants, could be weirdly old school and modest sometimes. So, once he stopped apologizing for invading my privacy, he could be utterly horrified at having seen what he saw or he might tell me that wet dreams were a perfectly natural part of life.

I wasn't getting anywhere like this.

I pulled my arm from his grip and started to walk slowly, carefully, as gently as possible. Every step jarred my head and neck a little anyway.

"Ray...."

"I don't need you to carry me in or clean me up, Fraser," I snapped back. Stupid. Well, doc, we still didn't know for sure about the concussion, but brain damage looked likely. I grabbed a pair of sweat pants and dashed to the bathroom before he could put together a response.

I did need to take a piss. After I did that, I managed to clean myself and change without smacking my woozy head against the wall. My shirt was a mess too, so that went off. It took me twice as long as usual to get it over my head.

Needed some time to get my thoughts together, so I looked in the mirror. Damn, wasn't I a prize. The swelling looked worse, giving me a chipmunk cheek on the left side of my face. My cheekbone was under all that somewhere. Broken blood vessel in my left eye left a big red spot against the white near the outer corner. Broken blood vessels in parts of my face gave me what looked like one killer case of freckles. All the scrapes on me just added to the overall picture of a guy who got in a fight with something bigger than him and lost. My brain kept saying that the hurt guy in the mirror couldn't be me because I never looked like that.

At least the X-rays said I hadn't broken my neck. The doctors kept telling me I was lucky to be alive. I could've been paralyzed too.

I still can't believe that the guy dropped a crate on me and his partner. Guess he figured that getting rid of the cop was a good moment to get rid of the guy who'd take a cut of the heist money too. Bastard got away while Fraser took the crate and the dead guy off me, but at least he didn't get away with the things he'd stolen.

The crate fell too fast for me to be aware of what it felt like when it hit us, but I remembered my nose starting to bend against the concrete as the weight kept bearing down on my head, crushing me.... I pulled the bathroom door open as a distraction before I let myself go too far down that part of memory lane.

Since he'd been standing closer to the door than I'd expected, Fraser almost fell into the room. I watched his eyes take in how I looked under good light, and he flinched a little. Before he could start in, I said, "I understand. You heard me moaning and figured I was in pain. That's why you were in the room." Didn't explain why he stayed for the show, but hey.

I remembered him shouting my name as he tried to get the crate and the dead body off me. Him moving that crate registered in the "granny pulling the car off her grandkid" class, because it had been huge and heavy.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Ray, and not just for my inexcusable disregard for your privacy a few minutes ago. I'm sorry for the whole night. You asked me to wait for backup, but I went into the warehouse anyway. Knowing you would follow me, cover my back. My decision led you there, but you were the one who paid for it." His hand moved up like he wanted to touch my face, but it fell back to his side without following through. I didn't know if his self-control or how bad my face looked made him decide not to.

Must have hit my head harder than I thought if I was hearing this. "Fraser?"

His eyes kept sliding away from my face, but he kept training them back on me, kept tracing the damage with his gaze. "It shouldn't take my partner being seriously injured to make me think about what I'm doing. I followed the same pattern with Ray Vecchio. Each time something happened to him, I vowed in all sincerity to change my ways, yet each time I continued on as usual. Now you're taking the brunt of my follies as well. I may not have worked with others very often in the Northwest Territories, but I've had a partner here for years now. I should know better. What's wrong with me?"

He looked so miserable that I wanted to tell him it was all okay, but I couldn't. Shouldn't. I might never get this chance again. "Habit? Moving before you think?"

"Arrogance as well."

When his hand made its next instinctive move to touch me, I grabbed it in my own before he could pull it back again. I liked the way his fingers felt entwined with mine, rough and warm and solid. If it made him uncomfortable to do this, I could just say I grabbed him to stop all the distracting swinging. Fraser stiffened, but then his hand closed to gently squeeze mine.

"I dunno about arrogance. I know you don't mean any harm. I'm kind of yer enabler here, but I can't do the tough love thing, not when it could get you killed. If you go in, I feel like I have to back you up all the way. Have to. That's buddies; that's partners." I'd do it even if I didn't love him this way.

"You should have a different partner."

I didn't even need to think about that one. "Don't want a different partner."

Fraser closed his eyes. "Then it's my responsibility alone to change. That's as it should be, actually."

"I'm counting on ya."

"I know." A small shudder rippled through him. "Ray, when I saw you like that...."

I put my other hand on his shoulder, bringing me in closer to him. "Yeah." He'd tried so hard to be pillar of strength for me after he got the crate off, but the whole time I could see his fear buried in his eyes. It scared me but made me feel loved all at once. Because I could tell it was all for me.

I got hurt a lot as a kid, partly because it took me a while to grow into my long limbs but mostly because I used to throw myself into things. Gawky, skinny-ass kid with thick glasses and a need to show himself that he could do whatever he put his mind to, that was me. I accomplished it most times, but sometimes I paid for it.

Mum was everything a kid could want in a mother, while Dad... Dad probably got concerned for me too; he just never showed it. Never showed he was proud of me either. Probably some Old World thing, but I would've done anything to get the Dad sign of approval.

I knew in my head that he loved me. I just never saw it.

Fraser brought me back to the present. "You should be angry at me."

"I was. I am."

"Not nearly enough."

I did get angry at him. A lot. But it never lasted. I probably needed to get my head examined. "I'm angry enough. But if you want me angrier, just keep pressing me on it. I forgive you, but try not to do this sort of thing again."

Fraser moved his head to the side, making his jaw brush my knuckles. Deliberate? He squeezed my hand again and opened his eyes, looking right at me. "I swear to you, Ray, that I will endeavor to deserve your trust."

He would. I knew he'd forget sometimes in the heat of the chase, but I knew he'd try like hell. "That's all I need to hear."

More Viridian5 stories can be found in The Green Room at http://members.tripod.com/~drovar/viridian/
Fandoms represented: due South, Hard Core Logo, Twitch City, X-Files, Once a Thief, the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie, Angel, Two Guys and a Girl (was Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place), X-Men (comics), Doctor Who