Fragility

BY Sharron Ibbitson

A sequel to Feeling Fine.

None of the characters belong to me etc etc etc...

Most of the personal experience stuff, comes from my friend Vicky, so although it may not be medically correct, it is true to life feelings wise. Also some poetic licence is used!

Many thanks for all the feedback I received for Feeling Fine, it certainly spurred me into writing this quicker.

Again many thanks to Mary Ann for her 'gentle' persuasion to get a move on!

Fragility

Ray flopped straight down onto his couch at his apartment. He felt exhausted, and he was sure he was coming down with a cold. It had been just under a year since he had collapsed with meningitis, and every day since had brought a new battle for him to fight. He felt permanently tired, and his legs tended to cramp up. He still got really bad headaches on a semi regular basis, and to make things worse if he had so much as a sniffle the entire precinct hounded him to visit a doctor. He ended up tiring himself out even more trying to act like he also felt great in front of his colleagues and friends. He coughed for what felt like an eternity, then had trouble breathing for a moment. He really did feel bad, but he knew that it was just a common cold, he slowly closed his eyes and gently drifted off to sleep.

Fraser sighed and had to keep stopping himself from picking up the phone and ringing his friend. It had been just under a year since Ray had been seriously ill with meningitis, and although he valiantly tried to hide it, Fraser knew that he was still fighting the effects the illness had had on him. Fraser knew Ray's personality prevented him from admitting any weakness at all, that was just who he was. Fraser accepted that and loved him for it, but it still frustrated him that his friend would never let on if he was in pain or tired. He had been watching his partner all day, and he knew that Ray was coming down with something. He could understand why his friend had tried to keep it from the rest of the precinct, but had to admit to feeling a bit hurt by Ray's reluctance to let him into his carefully constructed defences. He sighed once more and picked up the phone. It rung and rung for ages, before Ray's answering machine picked up. Fraser shook his head in resignation, grabbed his hat, called Dief and set off for his partner's apartment.

Fraser arrived a mere twenty minutes later, feeling slightly out of breath, but his concern for his friend spurred him on. He took the stairs leading to his partner's apartment three at a time, then removed his spare key and allowed himself easy access inside. He took a deep breath before entering, when he did he found his best friend fast asleep on the couch. He carefully walked over, placing the back of his hand gently against Ray's forehead. It was very warm to the touch, and Ray was covered in a thin sheen of perspiration. At his touch Ray's eyes flew open.

"Fraser! Ya scared me ta death! Whata ya doing here?" he asked as he sat up.

"I was concerned. You looked rather unwell today, and then you didn't answer your phone, so I decided to pay you a visit to ensure that you were okay"

"I told ya I was fine. I'm not gonna break ya know" Ray replied, not angry more touched by Fraser's concern.

"Yes but you are rather hot and sweating rather heavily. Ray, please will you let me call your doctor?"

"Honest Frase I'm good"

"Okay, if not for yourself then for me?" Fraser asked, not liking having to resort to emotional blackmail, but feeling it was warranted in this case.

"Oh that's low Frase" Ray replied, knowing Fraser's strategy exactly. Fraser grinned as he knew that he had won this battle. He picked up the phone and dialled the number he had memorized, he surmised the situation to the doctor then sat in wait.

The doctor arrived less than an hour later, but the wait at Ray's apartment had passed in silence. Fraser moved to let the doctor in.

"Ray what have you been upto now?" The doctor asked.

"Nothing, honest doc. I'm good, just my friend's over-reaction is all" Ray replied, almost convincing himself.

"Yes okay, but let me be the judge of whether this visit is a waste of time or not" he continued. He examined Ray very thoroughly, before giving the verdict. "Well mr Vecchio, you have managed to contract a rather nasty infection in your chest. Mr Fraser was right to worry. Sometimes I don't think you realise just how ill you have been and how very lucky you are to be alive . I recommend at least two weeks off work, and you are to complete a course of strong antibiotics, which means no alcohol and no driving. I'll be back in a week to check on you. Mr Fraser a word please?"

"Yes doctor, thank you for coming at such short notice" Fraser asked once the two had left the room.

"Ben, Ray has been through a lot in the last year. It's very hard for him to have to rely on other people so much. I know that you know this, but he is a very independent person. He doesn't like to show weakness. I recommend you keep a distant eye on him, once he is relatively well again. Again, any problems call me day or night. Ray will find it hard for a long time to come, just stand by him"

"I will, and thank you doctor. I am sure Ray will be just fine"

Fraser returned to the living room, and Ray gave him an evil look.

"Ray, I think we need to talk" Fraser said, allowing no room for argument.

"What about?"

"I think you know"

"Look Frase, can't we leave this"

"You are doing it again! Don't you understand Ray? you have got to talk to me. I know that you don't want the whole precinct fussing, but if you feel tired or ill, you have to tell me. You know your body hasn't fully recovered, I know that too. If you keep pushing yourself and covering up when you feel bad, you are going to make yourself ill again, and this time you could die. Do you understand Ray? I can't just sit back and let you kill yourself, although I understand your reasons, I don't condone them"

"Look Frase, I appreciate the sentiment, but honestly I wanna deal with this the only way I know how, else I feel like it's gonna swallow me up and I don't think I could handle that"

"Ray, you aren't dealing with it. By ignoring it, it isn't going to go away. A lot of people were affected by you being so ill, especially myself, Francesca and Lt Welsh, they are there to help you to deal with this and start recovering from it..."

"I have recovered" Ray interrupted.

"No Ray you haven't, you may have started the physical recovery, but mentally you haven't even begun yet. Please Ray, stop hiding. Let me help you"

"I'll try, but how?"

"If you feel ill of tired tell me and I'll take you home, if you need to talk about your experience then talk to me, any time, any place"

"I'll try"

"Then why don't you start now?"

"How?"

"Tell me what it was like?"

"What being sick?"

"Everything" Ray took a deep breath and screwed his eyes shut, before starting in a monotone.

"Well at first I just thought I had a bad case of the flu or something, but when I got home, I could barely stand so I went straight to bed. I remember feeling so hot, I was burning, but shivering at the same time. My skin itched all over and my head felt like it was gonna explode. Then there were people talking to me through this fog, I tried to listen and respond, but I just couldn't. There was just pain everywhere. I remember waking up and all the pain was gone, but everything was dark, then this bright light appeared in front of me and I started walking towards it, because I didn't know what else to do. I was scared, but excited, kinda like when you go abroad on holiday for the first time. Anyway I was walking towards it, when I heard a woman's voice. She said your name I think, she had a real nice voice and I tried to listen, but it wasn't what she said it was the way she said it. It was soothing. Then suddenly the light had gone, and I woke up. I felt pain again everywhere, and people kept talking to me, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. Light hurt my eyes and I wished I'd kept walking to the light, just to avoid the pain" Ray said, his words going up and down in volume throughout his speech, and tears streaming down his face by the end. Fraser was speechless Ray wished he had died? "I am sorry Fraser I shouldn't have said that" Ray continued after a moment. Fraser kept silent for a couple of minutes to gather his thoughts before he replied.

"Ray why exactly did you wish you had 'followed the light'?"

"Look Frase, I ain't got a death wish or nothin', it's just that since I woke up everyday has been a struggle. My life has been full of fear, pain and heartache every single day. Wondering if I'll be able to run for more than ten minutes again without my legs cramping up. Or being able to stay awake till midnight without falling asleep on the couch. Everyone keeps saying how lucky I am, well do ya know what Frase I don't feel so lucky" Ray continued, Fraser squeezed his eyes shut, all this had been going on in Ray's head for months and he hadn't known a thing about it.

"Look Frase, honest I am dealing with it. It just needs some adjustments, there's a lot of things I can't do anymore Frase. Did ya know I can't dance, I haven't got the balance for it anymore. The only thing in my life that I have ever been good at and I can't do it anymore. Now if ya don't mind Frase, I'm going to bed. You're welcome ta the couch if ya want it." And with that Ray walked away. Fraser sighed deeply, his emotions in turmoil, he took a moment to collect himself, then he phoned Lt Welsh.

He was surprised when Welsh hot footed it round almost straight away.

"Well Fraser, where is he?"

"He's in bed sir, I think it's best that we leave him to rest"

"I disagree constable, I'm not letting him dwell on this any longer" And with that the LT moved swiftly to the younger man's bedroom, gently shook him awake, and lead the groggy detective to the sitting room.

"Detective, I think me and you need a little chat" he told him. Ray resignedly nodded and gave into the interrogation he knew was coming. Welsh repeated what Fraser had told him about where Ray's thoughts had been leading him. Ray refused to make eye contact with his superior, but instead looked at the floor.

"Now Ray, I'm not here to judge, and I'm not here as a cop. I am here as a friend and a concerned friend at that. Now tell me what I have to do to help you"

"Sir, it's not like that. I don't know. I just need to get my head screwed on. I just need time. Just promise you won't take my shield, cos I ain't gonna do nothing stupid. It's not that I'm not glad that I'm alive, I mean I love life. It's just so hard sometimes. I guess I just let things get on top of me. I know that I've had people worried and for that I'm sorry, but seriously I'm dealing with this. It may take some time and patience, but I am dealing with it. So please just give me some space, both of ya. I know that I push myself hard, but I always have. I spent my whole childhood being told I'm not good enough, so I guess it's kinda become my own personal motto."

"Okay we'll promise not to push so hard or crowd you, if you'll promise to let us know when you want to talk or you feel unwell. Promise?" at Ray's nod the three men shook hands. It was then that Welsh started speaking again.

"Oh and I took the liberty of talking to your doctor. He told me about the no work for two weeks. He also told me that you are making excellent progress, and that if you continue the way you are going you could have your dancing shoes back on within a few months" Ray smiled and nodded.

"Thank you. Thank you both of you. I'm glad that I have you guys, and I'm sorry to be such a pain in the butt." Both men nodded and chuckled, then joined in a group hug. Suddenly Ray felt luckier than he had for a while. So what if he couldn't do all the things that he used to do. He had strong friendships that were less fragile than life itself. With the support and love of his friends he knew he would get back to the way he was. He knew that he would still push himself, it was in his nature to, but he would try to keep the promises he had made to friends. He sighed and smiled to himself.

"Ray, Ray are you all right?" Fraser asked.

"Yes Fraser. I am okay, not perfect, but I am good thanks" Ray replied, still smiling, and this time he meant it, and the smile reached his eyes.

THE END