Author's webpage: http://victoria.tc.ca/~wy236/fic.html
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Benton Fraser paced his small apartment. One moment he felt numb, the next he felt the most unimaginable pain. He wasn't certain which, if either, was preferable. Sometimes he thought that feeling something would be better than feeling nothing, then the pain would hit him again and he would wish for the numbness to return.
How had he come to this point? He'd had a fight with Ray Vecchio. Ray, his best friend, his partner, and his lover. He hadn't intended to fight with Ray. It was the last thing he would ever want to do. But they had fought, and Ray had left him.
He supposed that Ray hadn't meant for him to overhear his conversation with Det. Huey. Ray had just forgotten about Super Mountie Hearing. Benny had heard it, heard every painful word. It had gone something like this:
Huey: Hey, Vecchio, why does the Mountie always tag along with you on your cases? You two sleeping together or something?
Ray: Ha ha. Very funny, Jack. Like I would sleep with a guy.
Huey: Well, as guys go, he's pretty good looking.
Ray: So why would I notice something like that? He's a *guy*, Jack. And a very annoying one, too. He tastes everything. Including piddle! He stops and holds doors open for people when we're in a hurry. He always nags me about my driving. He's the most annoying man in the world!
Huey: Well if he's so annoying, why do you let him hang around? Why don't you tell him to take a hike?
Ray: Aww, my family likes him. And to tell you the truth, I kinda feel sorry for him. He doesn't have any other friends here. But sleep with him? Never.
Then Ray had walked out of the break room and run right in to Fraser. Benny could tell by the look on his face that he hadn't expected his partner to overhear what he'd been saying to Huey. Ray dragged him into the supply closet.
"Look, how much of that did you hear?" Ray asked.
"All of it, Ray. Every word. You said that I am annoying and that you would never consider sleeping with me - which is odd, considering what we were doing last night."
"Hell, Benny, what was I supposed to say? I can't let the guys know I'm sleeping with another man! Do you have any idea what kinds of things happen to gay cops?"
"As a matter of fact, Ray, I do. However, you could have simply told Detective Huey that who you sleep with is none of his business. You could have changed the subject. You didn't need to go to in to such elaborate detail about how annoying you find me. Even if they did find out, the other detectives in this precinct are your friends, Ray. I don't think they would turn on you if they suddenly found out you had a male lover."
"Look, Benny, I can't talk about this right now," said Ray. "I'll see you at your place later, okay?"
"Very well, Ray. If you don't think I'm too annoying to spend time with."
"Benny!" exclaimed Ray. But Fraser had already left.
Ray had come to Benny's apartment, and they had continued their 'discussion.' The discussion had escalated in to an argument.
"Are you ashamed of me, Ray?" Benny asked.
"No, I'm not ashamed of you! What makes you think that?" his lover responded.
"You refuse to tell anyone about our relationship. No one in your family knows. No one at the precinct knows. I'm sure you're aware that there are rumours about us, about why we're always together. I know that homosexuality is treated with contempt in the police force. But I think there's a difference between keeping your private life private and going to extremes to deny that you and I are lovers."
"Benny, if this is another attempt to get me to come out to my family, you can forget it. I'm NOT doing it. No way."
"Ray, do you love me?"
"Oh, no, Benny, don't start that! This isn't going to be about my proving that I love you. If you don't believe it by now, you're never going to. I've had it. I'm leaving." And he walked out.
That had been yesterday. Fraser had stayed home all day, stayed away from work, hoping that Ray would come back. It occurred to him that Ray would know to look for him at the Consulate if he wasn't at home, but he didn't feel able to face the outside world at the moment. He was afraid he would burst into tears in public. He'd already cried more than he thought was possible. He vaguely wondered if he would get dehydrated.
Somewhere nearby a radio was playing. Fraser listened to the words of the song. It was almost as if the artist had read his mind.
I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.
And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.
I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.
And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.
This was him. He was a broken man, he was a loser. He had just lost the man that he loved more than anything in the world. Obviously he was not meant for a lasting relationship. He messed up everything. He'd let Victoria get away with murder. He'd inadvertently caused Irene Zuko to be shot. And Ray had been the one to pay for most of his mistakes. How could Ray possibly love him?
Was his life really worth living?
Diefenbaker came up and licked his hand. He buried his face in the wolf's fur. No, he wouldn't kill himself, even if his life was over. Diefenbaker needed him. And when Ray found out, well, he would probably blame himself, and Benny didn't want that.
Ray had gone to work as usual, but somehow it just didn't feel right without Benny around. He told himself he was being silly; Benny wasn't there *all* the time, he had a job of his own. But he kept turning to say something to Fraser, only to find that he wasn't there. And he would remember the harsh words they'd exchanged the night before. Finally, he'd phoned the Consulate, to check and make sure Benny was OK, he told himself. He didn't actually have to talk to him, he wasn't calling because he wanted to apologize. At least, that's what he kept saying in his head. But Fraser wasn't at work today. The Inspector said that he hadn't called, he just hadn't shown up. That worried Ray a bit. The last time Benny had missed work he'd been with Victoria.
Elaine approached his desk with a file he'd asked her for. "Hey, Ray, is Fraser going to be coming by today?" she asked.
"No, Elaine, Fraser is *not* coming by today. As a matter of fact, Fraser probably won't be coming by ever again."
"Why not?" Elaine asked in surprise. "Did he get a transfer or something?"
"No, Elaine, he just doesn't work here! Hasn't anyone noticed that by now? Fraser. Does. Not. Work. Here. He has his own job at the Consulate, and that's where he belongs, not here in the Chicago PD when he isn't one of us."
"I kind of always thought of him as one of us," replied Elaine.
"Well he's not, okay? He's a Mountie! He's Canadian! "
"What, and that means that suddenly he isn't a human being, Ray?" asked the Civilian Aide.
"No, it just means he's different, and he doesn't belong here."
"You know, Ray, not that long ago some people would have thought that I don't belong here because I'm a woman, or because my skin happens to be darker than theirs. Some people *still* think that way. Fraser doesn't, and it's one of the reasons why I like him. Think about it." And she returned to her desk.
Ray watched her go. What on earth was she talking about? Being a woman? Skin colour? She was a cop. Gender and skin colour didn't matter. The only time he thought about her being female was when she was throwing herself at Fraser.
Damn, now he was thinking about Benny again. He had to stop doing that. He didn't miss Benny. Benny was the most annoying man in the world, even he thought that, and he'd been Benny's best friend and lover. Funny how he thought of being Benny's best friend in the past tense. He hadn't had a best friend since he was a kid. //I should never have started sleeping with him// thought Ray. //You shouldn't have sex with your friends, it messes everything up.// Why had he ever done something so bizarre as sleep with Benny? Well, because Benny was good looking, and he was a nice guy, and most of all because Ray loved him. Why was it so hard for Benny to believe that? Any time they had any kind of fight or disagreement, Benny would give him the big-eyed Mountie look and ask, "Do you love me?" And Ray would always answer yes, he loved Benny, and Benny would smile and suddenly Ray would forget what they'd been fighting about in the first place. He had to admit, the makeup sex had been great.
//No, no, no// Ray told himself. //Do not think about sex with Benny. Don't think about Benny at all.//
Okay, he shouldn't have said those things to Huey. That had been uncalled for. Benny had been right; he could have just said it was none of Jack's business. Would the others at the Precinct really take it that badly if they knew he was ....had been ..... sleeping with Fraser? Sleeping with Fraser, hell, he was in love with Fraser. It wasn't about sex. He loved the Mountie, even if he was annoying.
Okay, so he loved Fraser. But it was too late to think about that now. He'd ended things last night. He'd ended it when Benny had asked him if he loved him. He'd also asked if Ray was ashamed of him. All because he didn't want to come out. He didn't want things to change. He wanted to keep his reputation as a ladies' man. Ladies' man? Did he really have a reputation like that? And even if he did, was it that important?
Would his family really have a hard time accepting his being in love with Fraser? His Ma loved Benny. The kids loved Benny. Francesca loved Benny - okay, maybe she'd have a harder time with it. Maria and Tony liked him well enough.
Ray got up from his desk and left the Precinct. Ordinarily he'd be picking up Benny at the Consulate and driving him home. But not tonight.
He arrived home to hear Frannie's radio blaring in the kitchen. "Frannie!" he yelled. "The entire house does not share your taste in music!"
"Shut up, Ray. I like this song," his sister replied, turning it up even louder. Ray caught some of the words.
"Without You"
No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you "
Ray collapsed to the floor and the tears started to flow. He couldn't live without Benny. He just couldn't.
"MA!" Frannie yelled. "Something's wrong with Ray!"
Mrs. Vecchio hurried in to the room and saw her son on the floor. She bent down and took him in her arms. "What's wrong, caro?" she asked.
"Ma, I love Benny," Ray sobbed.
"And why does that make you cry?" asked his mother.
"Because I left him. I walked out on him. I let him think that I don't love him. He asked me if I loved him and I didn't answer him."
Mrs. Vecchio raised Ray's face so that he was looking at her. "Raymondo, please explain what you are talking about. Start at the beginning?"
Ray sobbed out the entire story of his relationship with Fraser. His mother listened, making soothing noises, not saying anything. When he was finished, she said, "So, Raymondo, what do you want to do?"
"What do you mean, Ma?" asked Ray.
"Do you really want to end things with Benton?"
"No, Ma, I don't. But I walked out on him."
"You have two legs, Raymondo. Walk back in."
"I don't know if he'll take me back," whispered Ray.
"Does he love you, caro?" asked Mrs. Vecchio.
"I - I think he does."
"Then he will take you back. Go to him, Raymondo, before you break your heart any more."
Ray stood up, feeling a bit shakey. Then he turned to his mother. "Ma, you don't have a problem with this? My loving Benny?"
Rosa Vecchio smiled. "No, caro. I can tell that you love him. Two people who love each other, how can I have a problem with that? I know, it is not what the church would say. I will have to pray about that. But I love Benton and if he is your - what do they call it, life partner? - that makes him my son.
"Raymondo, I never told you this, but the reason your brother left, all those years ago, is because he thought he might be homosexual. And I did not deal well with that information. So he left. I will not make that mistake again. Tell Benton for me that he is welcome in this family."
"I will, Ma. And thanks." Ray kissed his mother and headed to Benny's apartment.
Benny was sitting in the dark. Ray could tell, even in the darkness, that Benny hadn't eaten or slept since the previous night. He wore the same clothes. He had a slight growth of beard on his face. Moving closer, Ray saw that the Mountie's eyes were red and swollen. "Benny?" he said.
Fraser didn't move. He *thought* he heard Ray, but he couldn't have. Ray had left him. Ray was never coming back.
"Benny," came the voice again. Auditory hallucinations? Ben supposed sleep deprivation could cause those. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.
Ray crouched beside his lover. "Benny, it's me. I came back. Look at me. Please, Benny."
"R-Ray?" Ben stammered. "Is it really you?"
"It's really me, Benny."
Fraser stared at the Italian. Ray looked as if he had been crying.
"I'm sorry, Benny. For everything." Ray lifted one hand to Benny's face. Benny clasped the hand in his own and held it against his cheek.
"I'm sorry too, Ray. I had no right to pressure you to come out to your family or friends."
"You did have the right, Benny. You're my partner. And I'm *not* ashamed of you, of us. Benny, I told my Ma about us. She said welcome to the family."
"Is there an 'us', Ray?" asked Benny.
"There is if you want there to be," answered Ray.
Benny kissed the hand he had been holding. "I love you, Ray," he said.
Ray kissed the man he loved. "I love you too, caro. How about we make up properly?"
Ben smiled. "Excellent suggestion, Ray." He stood, took Ray's hand, and led him to the bed.
And, as always, the makeup sex was great.
END
Note: Lyrics to "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" by Barry and Robin Gibb Lyrics and Music to "Without You" by William P. Ham and Tom Evans. (The version Frannie was listening to was performed by Mariah Carey).
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