So this is how it all ends.

I listen to the rhythm in your step and the gentle click of the door as it closes behind me. Deep inside, I know that these will be the last sounds I'll ever hear before my betrayal carries you out of my life forever. My eyes turn to the mug you held just a moment ago. Placed squarely in the center of that cold, hollow sink, it stands as the perfect metaphor for the life I'll have from now on. A life without you - forever. And I would be just as cold and hollow, a vessel of bitter lies.

I might as well be dead.

How could you love and trust me? Don't you see me for what I truly am? I'm neither brave nor good. Had I been both, I would not have hurt you. You were my best friend, the brother I never had. You were the balm that soothed the pain of my exile. You were my sanctuary.

I would have told you ...

I almost told you.

I really wanted to stay.

Because I knew that being with you would lead to my freedom. For once, my life would be my own: not my father's, not the government's, not anyone else's. And I would be truly brave. I would not tempt death out of duty; I would not tempt death to escape the life I've led. For once, I would have no need for the walls I have built around my heart. I wouldn't have to fear anyone or anything, because your love would be my shield.

That moment when you clung to me and called out my name as if you were drowning ... I could have told you then that my need for you was just as overwhelming. And when you told me you loved me ... I would have given up my soul for the courage to say I loved you, too. Because I'm not like you. You have always been such a brave soul, never finding the need to hide what you felt from the world.

I wanted to stay and taste heaven with you. I wanted to put an end to those countless nights of wondering what it would be like to touch you and kiss you, to feel the burn of love with you. To spend the rest of my days with you, until death comes to claim us both.

But I can't.

I won't.

I'm not ready to pay the price.

"Everything in its own place." What you - I - feel ... it has no place in this world. Perhaps there might still be a chance that God would understand us, and there would be no need for excuses or forgiveness. But this world will neither understand nor tolerate. It will only seek to destroy us both. And we are only human. In the end, it will just tear us apart. Better to end it now. Before it gets any harder for me to let you go. Before the world's punishment bears down on your love and turns it into hate. Before it kills us both.

Maybe the two of us have just been alone for too long.

You're still here ... I can feel your presence.

Leave quickly ... while I still have my strength.

Dear God, help me ...

The End