It's a Hell of a Long Way Home

by: Jenny Hill

Dear Benny,

It seems like forever since we last talked, well, since we at least had a meaningful conversation that lasted more than five minutes and didn't involve you or myself being admitted into a hospital. Things never change do they?

I hated the way we parted, the lack of closure. Did you feel that too? I felt the need to rectify that so, enclosed you will find a journal . . . my journal. I started writing it when I left Las Vegas. It was the only thing I knew to do to keep my sanity during the intermediate stage of me being Armondo Langostini and Detective Raymond Vecchio.

You will notice that I am mostly talking to you in the journal because while I was writing it, I thought you would be the only one who would understand my ramblings.

I hope you actually get this. I am trusting Sergeant Frobisher to get it to you as I have no way of knowing how to get in contact with you up there in the "Armpit of the Frozen North". I miss you Benny.

                       With love,
                       Ray

The minute the plane took off, that was when I allowed myself to believe I was going home. I wouldn't let myself believe it anytime before that moment because if my plans were changed, my tour of duty extended, I couldn't allow them to betray my heart like that. It would hurt too much but now I'm on my way, there's no going back.

I never thought I would ever be leaving that desolate town. Yes, millions of people flock there yearly to take their chance with Lady Luck but they all lack an important element; the ability to express the human touch. Not the physical human touch but the emotional human touch. No one loved each other or cared for one another out there. No, the people of Las Vegas are after one thing and that is greed. I've missed my family, my friends, my co-workers, my Mountie - my best friend.

You are my best friend Benny, no one could ever replace you, I hope you know and believe me. We parted in such a wrong way I sometimes wonder if you still consider me as your best friend. I have done very little these last few months to prove that fact to you. Heck, I haven't even kept in touch like I said I would, as a friend should. Yes, there was that one postcard and I knew that was all there was going to be but you didn't know that. It was too hard to get that one out, I hope you understood.

It's strange how that came about, best friends. One day, a total stranger walked into my life, turning it upside down and the next thing I knew, that same stranger was telling me I was his best friend. I hadn't had a best friend since I was in high school but there you were, declaring me your best friend and it felt good. I thank you Benny for that kind gesture, that simple gift. I know I was your only friend back then but we became "best friends" in all sense of the phrase.

God, this is going to be the longest trip yet . . . or at least it feels like it is. When I came out to Las Vegas, the plane ride was over in a blink of an eye. One minute I was Ray Vecchio, Detective first grade, of the Chicago PD, the next minute, upon landing, I was Armondo Langostini, mob guy extraordinaire . . . and I was scared Benny, so scared. For the first time in my life, I wasn't sure I could do it . . . pull off the scam but each day spent undercover, I became more confident. Before I knew it, I wasn't just pretending to be Armondo "the bookman" Langostini, I was Armondo Langostini and I hated it.

It was hard to turn the other cheek now and again to the illegal activities going down around me but I had to in order to complete my assignment. I thought I was only going to be out there for a couple months but now it's been a year and things will never be the same. I'm not the same. When I wake up in the morning, I feel dirty, like I've betrayed everything I believe in. No, actually, that's not true. I've betrayed you Benny, you and all the standards you hold. I don't know how you live up to them but I can honestly say I have failed you.

God this is a long flight. All this time to think can drive a man crazy. You know I'm flying first class, isn't that something? Of all the trips I've "planned" to Florida, I never had envisioned myself flying first class. This is definitely the way to go Benny, I strongly recommend it but look who I'm talking about. If you had a ticket for first class and someone from second or third class just looked at you in a needy way, you would trade seats without even being asked and you would like it. Heck, you would probably prefer traveling in the cargo hold with Dief. I know, I know, "That's just silly Ray." At least Dief would prefer it.

Ya know how when you say things you regret ever saying and you can never forget them. You remember them like it was yesterday, word for word. I have said things to you Benny, that I regret ever uttering and I can't help but dwell on them and wonder why you never got mad at me or why you remained my friend. The main one that sticks out was when we first met, after you ratted me out in the holding cell, you were asking me about your father's murder case and all I could say was "Oh yes, the dead Mountie thing, like I couldn't have guessed." What was I thinking? Maybe it was because I was a little angry about you blowing my cover in the cell but you actually saved my butt, which I thanked you for later, thank you again. It was still uncalled for on my account.

Another thing I've said that I regret saying is from when I was chasing after that ATF special agent Suzanne Chapin, like a love sick fool, going on about love at first sight. I made the comment that you wouldn't understand and I remember it, word for word, "Of course not, you're a Mountie. What does a Mountie know about women?" God, I never realized what I was even saying. How could I have been so blind. Just because you were skittish around women didn't have to mean I should assume you hadn't a clue about them. They say hind sight is 20/20 and later I realized just how wrong I was. You knew about love and the pain of loss but what you didn't know of was hate and you learned that lesson very quickly. She taught you well.

I haven't thought about Victoria since, well since the day you lost your memory and even then she was only a vice to get you to regain your memory. It seems like eons since she left our lives and left you near death. Left you near death by a bullet from my own gun that was meant for her.

Ya know we never really discussed what happened that night on the train platform. Yeah, I knew you were running after her, running to leave with her. I knew that the minute I saw you running towards her on that moving train. You confirmed it that night too when you looked at me and said "I should be with her." You are so lucky Lt. Welsh didn't hear you clearly or did he? I was never entirely sure but he let it go if he did. Between you and me though, everything was just assumed. I assumed I understood what you were feeling. You assumed you understood what I was feeling. We both assumed forgiveness. Never once did either of us say "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you," and Benny, we both had, no, have a lot to apologize for.

Maybe, if I would have let you go, you could have been happy. You could have changed that darkness within her heart to match the light in yours. Maybe I was wrong in taking aim and pulling the trigger. What would've happened if you didn't intercede that bullet meant for Victoria? What if I would have killed her? Would we still be friends at all? Probably not, you never would have forgiven me for killing her, the only woman you ever loved. I can hear you now, "Yes, I would've forgiven you Ray," but you really can't say that because it didn't happen and you can never know what you would do in a situation unless it happens. You can only assume what you would do or say and believe me Benny, forgiveness would be the last thing on your mind if I had killed your beloved Victoria.

Do you understand why I was aiming for her? I mean really understand the truth. It wasn't the pure hatred I felt for her, which I can definitely admit those were my feelings towards Victoria, hatred. I couldn't believe everything you were turning a blind eye to or what she was doing to my best friend. Of course, I wasn't your best friend during that period of time. I ceased to exist when she hit town. Remember what you said, "I think there are certain things you live to regret in your life, losing your friendship would be one of them" and I believe you meant it but you were so blind to her scheme that you couldn't see our tie breaking.

Even when things started coming out in the open: the stolen money, your gun shooting Dief then killing Jolly, "her" supposed death . . . you still believed she could be helped. That was your weakness you know, the idea that genuinely everyone is good on the inside but she was not good. She a was pure evil. I could understand you giving up your whole life for this one person because you do that all the time but this time, my life was on the line and you still didn't care. When you told me I should take the deal, I couldn't believe my ears. You were giving up but it wasn't that you didn't care at all. You cared so much for her you didn't care what happened to yourself, as long as she was free. Funny thing is, she seemed to know that about you and trusted that would be your decision.

I couldn't take any deal offered me by the District Attorney, ya know. Yeah the deal would keep me out of prison but didn't you realize that even if I agreed to a deal, my life as I knew it would've been over still. I would have been fired from my job, yeah I may complain about, but I loved it. My family would've been disgraced. I would have lost my best friend. What kind of life would that have been Benny, huh? You didn't even see that. Where were your Mountie skills then?

So, it wasn't my hatred that caused me to pull the gun on her that night. I pulled the trigger to keep her from taking you away, not just taking you physically but emotionally as well. I just couldn't stand by and watch the most decent man in the world be tarnished by that witch. This world needs you Benny, it may not seem that way at times but it does. I needed you too! You're my conscience. You've made me a better person , the person I am today. Without you, I don't think I would have made it to where I am today.

And where am I today? Well, right now, I'm on a plane headed towards my home, away from my own exile. Benny, I now truly understand how you felt upon arriving in Chicago which was your own exile. The loneliness, the fear, the frustration . . . I felt it all when I arrived in Las Vegas and lost my own identity to that of a common criminal. The only difference is I didn't have a friend to help me through the rough times, to make me feel wanted, needed, loved. I hope that is how I made you feel because that is surely what I needed when I was Armondo Langostini. There were so many days when I needed you Benny. I never realized how much I depended upon you. I always thought it was you who depended upon me but I guess that was an equal need on both our parts. Although we are two very independent people, we depend upon each other more than we realize or care to admit.

I don't know what I would have done without your help when I was taken into custody for contempt of court. I thought I could handle myself in prison. Of course I was scared, who wouldn't have been but I thought as long as I knew you were out there working on the case, I could at least stick it out being incarcerated. I guess word got around better then I expected. One minute I was mopping the floor in the infirmary, the next I was laying on that same floor feeling helpless and alone. It brought back painful memories of me and pop.

When you came to visit me, I couldn't admit what happened. I had to be the strong one. I didn't want to worry you but you worried anyway because that's what best friends do. You don't realize what a relief it was when I saw you enter that prison as a fellow inmate. I was relieved and at the same time panicked. You weren't meant to see the ugliness of prison life.

You know the funny thing, my "final" assignment is to take down a Canadian arms smuggler. Go figure, the one case Inspector Thatcher wouldn't mind you working on and I have to do it alone, always alone now. The guy's name is Muldoon. Supposedly he was to have died thirty years ago under some unusual circumstances but he's been spotted by the feds and the underworld know him personally. The plan, to broker a buy, then bust him and his associates. Should be pretty simple, I know the drill like the back of my hand. Nothing could go wrong.

Finally, I'm in Chicago. I'm still Armondo Langostini but at least I'm halfway home. It feels good to breath the polluted air this city has to offer. It seems like a lifetime since I've been here. It's so good to be back. Go figure, the day I return, it's the coldest of record for Chicago and I hate the cold. You should see me Benny. I'm tanner than I've been in years. The sun agrees with me. I don't think you would recognize me actually but then again you could probably smell me out in a dark room.

I've been told to stay away from my normal hangouts but that's like telling a kid not to peek at his Christmas presents. Speaking of Christmas, do you realize that it will be Christmas in a couple of weeks? I'm home for the holidays and I can't be with my family or friends but I've gotta be me ya know, disobey orders. I may not be able to spend the holiday with my loved ones but that doesn't mean I can't see them, right? Agree with me here Benny. . .

I went to see Father Behan today, what a relief that was. I went to confession, face to face this time. Usually I go behind the screen but I had to talk with someone I knew and have that person recognize me for who I am, really am. It was good to see a familiar face, hear a familiar voice. It felt good to finally let everything out although I think I added a few gray hairs to Father Behan. He offered me a place to stay, a safe haven if I ever need it, which I was grateful for because from what I've learned during this assignment, you can never have too many hiding places.

I heard my family is doing well. Thank you Benny for keeping an eye on them during my absence. I knew you would take care of them without being asked. I heard about the fire at my home, If you hadn't been there to save Frannie and Tony, I don't know what I would've done.

I also heard about your apartment building, such a shame. After everything you did to keep it, it's gone in a flash. What a way to end a vacation and begin a new life. I can't even imagine what that was like, to come back and find your home demolished and then to top it off, the person you considered your best friend had up and left, being replaced by a perfect stranger. I never even met the guy who was to replace me but of course why would I have. I don't think I would've wanted to see him anyway. It would have made me a little jealous.

I hope my replacement is taking care of you or at least is there for you, to back you up, never faltering when you need help. I hope he also can never say no when you flash that "Big Eyed Mountie Look" of yours. I should not be cursed to be the only one who can't resist it or maybe I should.

How many articles of clothing have you ruined of his? How many times have you nearly gotten him killed? Do you annoy him as much as you annoyed me? Does he trust you as much as I did? Did he share his family with you as I did? Has he really replaced me?

You don't know how jealous I already am of this guy, enjoying my life, my family, my friends. I don't know why I ever decided to do this assignment. Part of me wanted to prove to myself I could do it, that I had the capability to do it on my own and the other part wanted to impress you Benny. Yes, I wanted to impress you. I wanted to make you proud of me. Well I did it and I don't feel any different than before. I take that back, instead of feeling better about myself, I feel worse. You can't take on an assignment like this one and have it not effect you. I feel used Benny. I feel used and betrayed. They said they would take care of m Ne but only I could take care of me and make sure I survived each individual assignment. Amazingly, I grew stronger and stronger, and colder and colder, until I felt my heart go numb. Feeling in this business is not good if you want to stay alive.

I have to get out of this hotel. I know I'm suppose to lay low but I can't. I'm home and I have to see what I've missed for so many months. I need to get out and have a drink, calm my nerves a little. The first of several drawn out meetings begins tomorrow and I need to relax before I take them on.

I walked to the nearest night club this evening Benny and the visit brightened and depressed my day all in one sweep but I believe it brightened more than depressed me because I still have a smile on my face. Mind you, I was told to not go places I frequented as myself so I assumed I was pretty safe going to the local country bar. I mean come on, the closest I ever got to listening to country music was when I was hauling your Canadian butt around the wilderness singing that horrible song. I can still remember the words to that awful song. Where did you get that song anyway?

It was still a relaxing evening and the people there were remarkably friendly. I sat there for a good half hour in a dark corner table before I heard a familiar laugh, a laugh I grew up with and missed terribly. I searched the room to find out where it came from and what would be my luck, there in front of the stage was Lt. Welsh, Inspector Thatcher, Francesca, Huey, you, Dief, Turnbull and two guys I didn't recognize but everyone I know knew them. I could only see the back of you all but I knew and recognized each one of you, except for the brown haired guy and the blonde who seemed to lack some sense of dress appeal.

The blonde fellow got up and took drink orders. He turned and I heard you call his name. "Ray," how I have missed that voice, "could you get me a glass of water?"

"Sure Frase."

"Thank you kindly Ray." At that last statement, I realized the blonde guy was me. ME! He's "Ray Vecchio". He doesn't even look a thing like me, not even close. He headed up to the bar and Benny, you know me, I couldn't pass up the opportunity. I headed up to the bar too! I had to see him up close and personal.

So there I was, standing next to myself and I couldn't help but stare. I think I made him feel uncomfortable because he then turned to me and asked "Can I help you buddy?"

I responded politely, "I'm sorry, you just look very familiar, like I've seen you before . . . what's your name?" I had to ask it.

He answered as if that had been his name his entire life, "Ray Vecchio." He proceeded to give me a strange look. "This isn't some sort of pick up line is it? Cause if it is, I'm not interested."

I laughed and assured him that my question was genuine and that I wasn't coming on to him. "I'm not comfortable in places like this . . . you know . . . the country scene."

He laughed, "Me neither, I'm just here with a couple of friends. See the guy over there in the red?" He pointed to you Benny. "He's gonna sing with Tracy Jenkins tonight."

I lifted my eyebrows in disbelief, I have no clue who Tracy Jenkins is but I knew that was something big. "Wow! What is that guy, some sort of park ranger or something?"

I made him laugh again. "No, he's a Mountie. A member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police."

"Ah." I couldn't resist u Using your tactic. "What's he doing in Chicago?"

A smirk appeared on his face as he entered into the explanation I knew all too well. "He first came to Chicago on the trial of his father's killers and for reasons he remained attached as Liaison Officer with the Canadian Consulate."

"Ah," I said again.

He looked at me curiously. "Are you from Canada?"

This time I laughed. "No, why do you ask?" You must still do it Benny, the "ah's" and the "Hmmnns". It's good to know some things have stayed the same.

"Oh nothin'." He rounded up his drink order. "Well, I must be getting back. It was nice meeting you . . ." He paused because he didn't know my name but he did know it, all too well.

"The name's Roy, Roy Vinner." I extended my hand to shake his and he accepted.

"Well, maybe I'll see you again sometime. If you're ever in the area, I work at the Chicago PD - 27th precinct." He offered.

"Thank you but I'm just visiting town so . . ." How had I gotten myself into that hole. "Maybe." He smiled as he grabbed his order and headed back to your tables. God he's lucky. I eased my way back to my dark corner table. I was so close yet so far.

I watched as he distributed the drinks and when he sat down next to you, I saw you two discussing something. When you turned your head back to look towards the bar, I knew then that I had peaked your curiosity but you couldn't see me sitting at my corner table. You look good Benny, I am thankful for that.

I stayed the entire evening because, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to watch you sing and Benny, you should never quit your day job. Don't get me wrong, you have a magnificent singing voice but your stage presence left a lot to be desired. What happened to the dancing fiend I met at the Saint Fortunatto's school dance? Or, is it you can only dance to disco, dressed as a woman, in heels with your real "unofficial" partner? You're a strange man Benny but I wouldn't have you any other way.

I even followed you home tonight Benny, I had to. You refused a ride offered from your partner so I had to make sure you arrived safe and sound and to find out where you lived. I never would have allowed you to refuse a ride, at least not that late at night. Anything could happen, even to the worlds nicest Mountie. I just have one question Benny, why are you living at the Consulate? I know your building burned to the ground but didn't he help you find a new place? I would have. I wouldn't have stopped looking until you had a roof over your head and you could sleep safely at night.

Oh, and Benny, Dief's looking a little sluggish. You really shouldn't baby him. He's an Arctic wolf for God's sake.

It was the hardest thing to do, return to this hotel room. Do you realize how much you were a part of my life? I was your taxi service and finance company and you were my unofficial crime solving partner, reference guide and Inuit story teller. God what I wouldn't do to hear one of those crazy stories now.

We knew each other two years when I took this undercover assignment but it felt like a lifetime. Heck, there are people I've known my whole life that haven't had as much of a profound effect on me as you have. Before meeting you, I never would have risked my life for a complete stranger. You're the one person I think about daily when faced with a life altering choice. I would always ask myself, "what would Ben bny do in this situation?" I trust your judgment Benny, I may complain about it but I do have to admit, you never did get us killed once . . . close but we survived every time.

I did question our survival rate though. I think what irritated me the most about our near death experiences was that had we actually died, it would have been in some weird and crazy way: wrapped in froze horse meat, drowned in a bank vault, drenched in gallons of flammable fluid, tied to a bomb. Never a simple gunshot wound. Okay, so I was shot once but that wasn't your fault. I was just trying to protect you and I would do it again if I had the chance.

It's been two weeks since my return and Benny, I don't know what you've gotten yourself into this time but it doesn't look good. I would have thought you learned your lesson the last time you stood up against the mob but then again, you never do, do you?

I was at the mall when it all went down. I had followed you most of the morning and it was so easy to blend into the crowd of people doing their last minute Christmas shopping. You're still making your Christmas gifts, huh? I always liked what you got me for Christmas. I hate to miss out yet again.

I saw Warfield strike that kid and I saw you go to the boy's rescue. You're always the nobleman, always there for the underdog. I was equally impressed by your partner's reaction and back up until he noticed who you were trying to arrest. He didn't trust you, that is what I saw but it wasn't his fault. Even out in Las Vegas Warfield's name was known and it's not for his kindness.

When no one spoke up about witnessing the act of violence you were charging Warfield with, my heart broke for you. I Tf I could have, I would have, I hope you know that. At least Ray was still, reluctantly, behind you but I knew from experience that the charges weren't gonna stick, not without a solid witness or better yet, the victim pressing charges. Life can truly suck Benny and I wish sometimes you didn't have to see that. You deserve a perfect world where everyone abides by the rules and everyone is happy but a Utopia we do not live in. I'm gonna have to keep a closer eye on you these next couple of day, just to make sure you'll be okay. I trust everyone even less now that I can't be there to protect you from the bullies.

Fraser, sometimes I wonder where your ideas come from. Do you actually think them up on your own or do they come to you in a dream? If they come to you in a dream, it might explain the wackiness of the ideas. No matt Uer, here I sit, in a car, across the street from Warfield's club and watch you standing guard. The only difference from this and you standing sentry duty at the Consulate is you are actually communicating with the occasional passerby. You seem to be enjoying yourself but Dief doesn't look to pleased . . . neither does Warfield. You better know what you're doin' here Benny.

Now your partner has shown up and he doesn't look too happy either. They must be getting grief down at the precinct about your vigil here. It's a free country though, right? You can stand where you want and when you want Benny boy. Now you two are arguing . . . or at least it's an argument on his part and you are refusing to leave with him. I think he's worried about you Benny and he should be but he should be out here with you not cowering away at the precinct.

Hey, by the way, where is my car? I keep seeing this GTO being driven by him but I thought he was going to be driving the Riv. I wasn't too thrilled about a total stranger driving her but I thought what could happen? It would be good for the cover. Ah, I'm probably worrying for nothing, I mean come on, how many times can a man's car be destroyed?

How can you be so dedicated? You stood there all day. When your partner left, he took Dief with him so you were left alone . . . well, not really alone. I'm was there, even though you didn't know it.

It was dark out when the line outside the club was at it's longest. It was cold out tonight too, I don't know how you do it. I had a wool coat, gloves, hat, sitting in a car and I was still freezing. Yeah I know, you're use to colder weather but I would've thought from being in Chicago so long, you would begin to prefer the warmer climate. Some things never change, do they?

Where'd ya go? One minute you were standing in front of the club and I looked away for one second and the next, you disappeared. I didn't like it Benny, not one bit. I got out of my car to check on the situation, since your partner wasn't there to back you up. I knew it was risky but I didn't trust Warfield. I've dealt with too many "Warfields" in my undercover hell of an assignment to know they don't take too kindly to those who cross their paths the wrong way. It took me a good five minutes to make it through the crowd and by the time I got to the front of the line, I saw you come back from around the corner and it seemed like a struggle for even you to make it that far. Benny, my heart stopped at that moment. I knew what had happened. Why couldn't I have stopped it?

When I saw Warfield come out of his club, it took all my strength not to attack and beat him within an inch of his life. I watched the exchange between you and Warfield and Benny, I saw something in your eyes I never thought I'd see again. You of all people, the most optimistic person I know, I saw defeat in your eyes. You were giving up, just as you did with Victoria. For as long as I was your partner, you were the one pushing me along and now you needed the push.

When he left, I saw you falter, your knees buckled and I ran to catch you before you hit the pavement. I ordered the bouncer to call, and I can't believe the words that came out of my mouth, "Ray Vecchio, 27th Precinct of the Chicago PD."

There I sat, with you in my arms, you had passed out. Sitting there, memories of another time came flooding back. When we were trying to help Mr. Paducci, I thought that was the worst I'd seen done to you but that didn't even compare to the way you looked tonight. I could have killed Zuko for what he did to you or ordered done. It's a good thing I left my gun with you when I went to "discuss" the situation with Frankie. God Benny, when I saw you lying on that corridor floor, I thought the worst and I couldn't imagine a world without you. If I ever get the chance to talk with Warfield . . . he just better hope I don't.

As I waited with you for your partner to show up, I began inspecting your body. I could feel the lump on the back of your head and I could see automobile glass throughout your hair. They really did a number on you this time. You started to twist and thrash around as if you were fending off imaginary blows. I tried to calm you saying, "Shhhh... Benny, it's okay, you're safe now." You immediately relaxed. I don't know if it's because someone kind was assisting you or that you recognized my voice.

Your eyes flicked open and you were straining to focus. When you looked at me, I couldn't help but smile. "Ray?" You sounded so uncertain.

"Yeah Benny, it's me." And my heart stopped again when you smiled up at me but you succumbed to your injuries and passed out again. I have a feeling you won't remember me being there but that is probably for the best. As long as you're going to be all right, that is all I ask.

I could hear the GTO from a block away, he must have broken a few traffic violations to get there that quickly. Do you point those out to him as annoyingly as you did to me? God I miss that . . . you, me, the Riv.

When Ray pulled up, he got out of the car like a bat out of hell. I can tell he does care about you. It's either that or he knows I will kill him if he lets anything happen to you (which he is treading the line after tonight). He should have been there ya know. I don't care how scared he was, he should have been there for you. . . I would've been there . . .

Ray was too frantic trying to get you out of there, he didn't notice who I was. When he took you from me, I felt a loss. I wanted to go with you but I knew I couldn't. I already risked all three of our lives by being there but I didn't care. I was there for you Benny... someone had to be.

I have laid low for a couple of days now. I think I have tempted fate too much in the first weeks of my return. I've had a lot of meetings set up as well. That is the main part of this assignment I hate, the meetings. I have to BS my way through them and pray to God no one catches on that I'm not who I claim to be.

Even though I've been keeping myself occupied, keeping away from you, it is Christmas Eve today and I managed to drop off a small gift at the precinct for you. I hope you like it. Okay, so I dropped off something that was already yours but I hope you understand. When I was told I would be leaving before you returned, I was devastated. I couldn't believe my luck. Do you ever notice my luck is always bad luck?

Before I could go, I needed something, something to take with me to remind me I had to return, to never give up. So, I went to your apartment and I took the picture you had sitting on your father's trunk of your mom, dad and yourself. It looked like you were five or six in the photo. It reminded me of all you had lost in life and that I wasn't going to be added to that list.

I'm really kind of glad I took the picture with me now seeing it's the only thing from your apartment to have survived. Merry Christmas Benny.

What a difference a year can make. It's after the first of the new year and I'm anxiously waiting the end of this damned assignment. There's only two weeks left and then I'm a free man. I can then do what I want, go where I want to go, say what I want to say and most importantly I can be me: Ray Vecchio, Detective first grade, Chicago Police Department.

So today, I decided to check up on you again Benny. Your wounds have healed n Qicely . . . considering you didn't go to the hospital for patching up, I know you too well. How's come the only time I can get you to a hospital is when you can't protest or you're out of your mind or when you're visiting me? They're not so bad ya know? That is one of the things that makes you the most annoying man in the world.

Today I observed a trite little love triangle. Who is this mystery woman you and "Ray" are running around with? She seems very familiar. . . not that I've met her before but there's just something about her. Maybe it's the uniform, I don't know. Is she a new love interest of yours? You better watch it because I think your partner has a thing for her too! You being the nice guy you are would probably back down if pushed, huh? You always make sure everyone else is happy before you are.

Whatever happened with the Dragon Lady? Things seemed . . . intense . . . before I left. I thought for sure you two were gonna hook up. I thought you both complimented each other well. I know I probably should have said something rather than just teasing you about it but I just couldn't. Even though I would have blessed your union she was still the Dragon Lady. I got chills just being in the same room with her but if she was the one you wanted, the one to make you happy, I would've accepted it, ya know? I wouldn't have stood in your way.

I'm not sure what's going on with this blonde woman. I hope she doesn't come between you and your partner because you still need him. Never let a woman come between you and a friend, I thought you learned that lesson with Victoria. I'm gonna have to keep an eye on this one, there's something fishy v going on there. I can read it in her body language.

I saw her leave the consulate without you, what could I do but follow her. She went back to that apartment you three were at earlier. She wasn't there long and she returned to the consulate straight away. I'm not sure what transpired in there but I do know when she left, she was as calm as when she entered the building. I'm assuming nothing much or at least not what she expected. Either the guy wasn't home or his answers didn't help her.

You went back to that apartment again but many more people were there. . . cops . . . seems someone died. I will assume it is who ever you three saw yesterday and who she visited earlier, by herself. It looked like she was the one suspected because when everyone turned their attention from her, she fled.

For some reason, I don't think she did it Benny, call it a hunch, call it intuition but I could see you didn't believe she did it either as I started out to follow her again. I knew this is what you'd want me to do. Someone had to be there for her even if she thinks she doesn't need the help. She seems to be stubborn . . . just like you Benny, just like you. Is that a Mountie thing or what?

I followed her back to the consulate but it didn't look like she was a welcomed person there because she snuck in the window - I will assume it was your office. It looked like she was planning on high tailing it out of there. She's unsure of her cause now. I don't know what's going on but you have to help her Benny, she needs your help. You help every other stranger out there, you have to help her.

When she left the consulate, she used the front door, I nearly missed her but what I didn't miss was the Dragon Lady's voice in her reprimanding tone. You let her go, risking your job. This woman better be worth it Benny. I hope she's not another Victoria because I don't believe you could survive that again, you or I.

I was on her trail again and I followed her to a dive of a motel where she got a room and then was back out on the street, walking the whole way, just like you Benny. Ya know, my feet were killing me. I hadn't done that much walking since, well since before I left for the assignment. I wasn't sure where we were headed but I could tell she was on a mission.

Thank God she headed to a diner. I thought I could sit down, catch my breath, maybe even grab a bite to eat. I couldn't remember eating this morning and it was already afternoon. I also thought, maybe, I could talk with her. I didn't know what I would say without it sounding like a come on line but I had to try something, anything.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?" I asked as I walked up to the booth she sat at.

The look she gave me reminded me of you Benny, she couldn't believe I asked what I did. "I'm sorry, I would really prefer to be alone right now."

I tried again. "Come on, I'm just passing through town and I hate eating alone. I would've stayed at the hotel and ordered room service but that can be kind of expensive ya know." I tried using my best pleading look, not as effective as the "Big Eyed Mountie Look" but it worked none the less. "Listen, you don't even have to talk to me, just let me sit here, I'll buy you lunch and we'll part in the end as strangers."

She didn't like that. "I can't do that . . . that . . . that would be rude." She smiled, what a beautiful smile. "Please sit down."

I sat down and extended my hand. "My name is Roy Vinner."

She took hold and gave me a firm shake. "Maggie Mackenzie."

Once I was seated, I took my coat off. "So, are you from around here?"

"No, I'm from Canada. Actually, I'm a member of the R.C.M.P." She seemed proud of that fact yet at the same time a little dismayed.

"R.C.M. - what?" Me, lying through my teeth.

"Royal Canadian Mounted Police," She explained.

"Ah, what brings you to Chicago?"

"Do you want the truth?" She offered a weak smile.

"Please."

"I came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my husband." She looked saddened just by uttering those words.

"You don't know how many times I've heard that." I got her to smile, she thought I was joking. If she only knew.

"What about you? What brings you to Chicago?"

"Well, I was actually born and raised here. I'm returning home after a long separation." Home, I hadn't said that out loud in such a long time, it felt good.

"I thought you said you were just passing through?"

"Yeah, well, it just feels that way," I sighed. "So are you working through the Canadian Consulate or the Chicago PD?"

"Ah . . . no . . . I'm kind of on my own here. . ." She seemed reluctant to say anything but I gave her an innocent 'hey I care' look and she continued. "I was working with a member of the R.C.M.P. stationed here at the Consulate but I'm afraid that person believes I did something I am innocent of."

"I'm sure he knows and is doing everything in his power to help," I suggested.

She looked at me as if I was nuts or crazy. "How are you certain it's a man I was referring to?"

The waitress hadn't even checked on us but I looked at my watch and took that as my cue to exit. "Listen," I began as I got up and threw a ten on the table. "I have to go . . . just do me one thing," she still looked like she didn't trust me, "don't lose faith in him." I left quickly not caring at that point that I hadn't eaten and was still hungry. The things I do for you Benny. You owe me big time or could this make us "Even Steven?"

I followed Maggie again. It's good to know her name now. What is it with you Canadians having to walk everywhere? Haven't you ever heard of a taxi? Geez. My arches were killing me, I had a headache, was starving and I couldn't help but continue my vigil over this woman who you seem to care about.

It was nuts. I was following a woman to make sure my best friend didn't get hurt again. I know you'd be able to explain the reason why I felt I had to do it. Heck I bet you there's even an Inuit story that would cover this situation. Oh, and I bet your dad gave you some advice or you read some wise quote from one of his journals that would enlighten me as to why I felt compelled to continue my stake out.

I guess if I thought about it long enough (which I've had plenty of time at that), the reason why I felt obligated was because, well it's because I love you Benny. Now don't go all ballistic on me or freak out or start acting like you do towards woman around me. It's not that kind of love. I love you like one of my own family members. Benny, you are like a brother to me and I would do anything for you because that is what family does. I hope I have demonstrated that to you in the short two years we've been together as friends and partners before I accepted this undercover assignment and if you did know, I hope you believe nothing has changed. No matter the time nor distance that does, can and will separate us, I will always be there for you. All you need to do is call, and I will answer.

Ya know, I can't even imagine being separated from you or my family again. I know I can handle it, I've proven that during this assignment but I really don't want to test the theory again. All I want now is to get my life back, my job, my family, my friends and my wolf. God, I even miss that fur face Diefenbaker and his donut stealing ways.

I followed Maggie for an hour before we reached our final destination . . . for the time being. I think your friend might be as nutty as you. We walked around Chicago for miles and we ended up at a bank we had passed numerous times. I stood at the counter by the door pretending to be a customer filing out a deposit slip and she was in the teller line. This wasn't making any sense but I stood my ground.

Before I knew what was happening, two men wielding guns entered the bank and I couldn't help but ask myself, what kind of luck is this? Did I not tell you my luck runs bad? They ordered everyone down and me, not wanting to cause a scene, or any unwanted attention towards myself, immediately complied. The only person who was not listening to these men was Maggie. Now that's definitely a Mountie thing.

When she turned around on the one robber, it so reminded me of you Benny. Always the hero with no care to your own life but this was different because the next thing I know, Maggie pulled a gun on the guy and I was shocked. If there is one thing I learned during our unofficial partnership it is that you Mounties aren't licensed to carry and/or use a firearm on American soil, well I'm certain you can but I know you choose not to be licensed and I'm quite certain an R.C.M.P. officer just passing through town would need more time to get a license and what not. Unless they meant business and this situation was not looking good.

"I'm your brother." Those words kept repeating themselves in my head. "I'm your brother." Wow! I snuck out of the bank before you and "Ray" had a chance to assess the customers within. Wow. Your sister. This is amazing. Not only are you no longer alone in this world Benny but I feel as if my family has grown a little. You never were alone, I hope you know that. At least I always considered you part of my family. I hope you felt like you were.

My assignment is winding down to a close. I have a meeting tonight with Muldoon. This will be my first and hopefully one of the last few remaining meetings to get the ball rolling on this take down. It should be a rather simple meeting: I show up at the perspective meeting point, my driver will escort Muldoon to the car, we exchange money and a special package and make another date where the "big" guns are being exchanged and the Feds will take him and his associates down. A simple cut and dry meeting. I broker the deal then I'm home free.

Ever since I found out Maggie was your sister, I can't help but think about our friendship. I can't believe you've stayed in Chicago as long as you have. I felt extremely blessed to have you in my life from moment one. You were a stranger needing help, then a friend needing security, then my best friend who needed a family and eventually I considered you as my brother. My only question now is, will you stay or will you go upon my return?

I've seen your face these last couple of days and it's changed since you found out about Maggie. You miss home, I've known you always have missed it but it's worse now, the feeling is stronger. Now you have a connection there where before there was no one. You have a real family now, not just an Italian clan who adopted you. You have someone who needs you just as much as you need her.

That fact is how I know you will not be staying much longer in Chicago. I don't know when you will be leaving, whether it will be right after I return, a few months down the road or even before I come back. All I know is that you will be going home. I think you're actually trying to wait for me to return out of some sort of loyalty or obligation you feel you owe me but Benny, you owe me nothing. I wish I could tell you right now to run home but I can't. I will be back in due time though so it won't be much longer.

God, life without you Benny is going to be difficult. You improved my life and the person I am so much that I fear I might revert back to my old ways if you're not here and I don't want that. I like who I am now. I'm more confident, more daring, more caring and more open to new ideas. I don't ever want to lose that. If I did, it would be like losing you Benny. As long as I have all those qualities in my life, I will still have you no matter where you are.

I sound selfish I know, saying I'm okay with you leaving but also not wanting you to go. It's weird thinking like this about another guy but I'm not embarrassed by it either. I'm comfortable with my feelings. If I didn't feel this way Benny, then I really wouldn't care for you at all and I do care for you. You filled a void in me left by my own brother.

Ya know, I never told you much about my brother, you never pressed the issue past the information I gave you the day I went for my psych review. You remember, the day we searched all over this city for "Mike's House". All you know is that I use to bathe with my brother when I was little. Why didn't you ever ask me about him? It was like you didn't care but I knew you cared. Maybe you were just being polite, not pushing the issue. You were probably wise in doing so. I most likely would've bitten your head off if you started questioning me about him then.

His name was Vincent. What my parents were thinking when they named him that, I don't know, Vicnent Vecchio. He was a great older brother. I was the youngest boy, so it was Vinnie, Maria, me and then Frannie was the baby. He was more like a father to us than Pop ever was. I loved Vinnie very much, as any brother would but things changed in our lives that would never let them be the same.

By the time Frannie was born, Vinnie was ten, Maria was eight, I was four and Ma and Pop had been married for eleven years. Eleven years too long some may say. Don't get me wrong, Ma loved Pop very much but after Frannie was born, Pop started drinking heavily. It got so bad that at times he didn't even know what he was doing. The first time I saw him hit Vinnie, I was shocked. Neither of my parents ever spanked us when we were little. Up until that point and then it seemed that was the only way Pop knew how to show his love to us, through a full contact sport and Pop's favorite competitor was Vinnie. I was only four years old Benny and I learned to hate Pop quickly. On occasions, he would try to get me to "play" with him but Vinnie always interceded and I was spared. God, Vinnie, why did you do it? I do have to thank God that Pop never touched my sisters.

I can't remember how many times I came home to find my brother laying on his bed with a bruise here or a scratch there but he always put on a brave face for his baby brother. "It's okay Ray, I'll be okay . . . I just need a little sleep." He did a good job because I always believed him. God, I wish I knew then what I know now.

By the time Vinnie was 17 and I was eleven, things were changing again. Vinnie didn't mean to change but he had no other choice, I mean , ya only know what you've been taught right? Vinnie started drinking himself and when he hit me for the first time, I totally was not expecting the blow and neither was he. I could tell by the look on his face. Once the first hit was thrown though, it just became that much easier to throw the next and the next. So there Vinnie was, being beaten by Pop and I was in turn being beaten by Vinnie. It was a vicious circle.

I survived it though, for the better. When Vinnie turned 18, he moved out of the house. His abuse towards me pretty much prepared me for Pop and Vinnie wasn't nearly as experienced at it as Pop was. Just thinking about those times, actually, I try not to think about them but it's hard. I've broken the chain. I've never raised a hand to any of my nieces or nephews, nor my sisters or ma. I sometimes think it's best that Ange and I never had children *only because I don't want to become my father's son. I fear that the most. It's a struggle sometimes to keep my cool as you should know. I know I am capable of the violence my father and brother inflicted on me. When I confronted Frankie that day, after he had you beaten and nearly killed, I knew then I was capable of the violence and it scared me.

Vinnie died shortly after that, drunk driving accident. Funny thing, he wasn't the drunk. I never had a chance to forgive him for what he did to me and I wanted to. I knew it wasn't his fault. In fact, I was surprised it took so long for him to turn into my father. Wow, it's been forever and a day since I thought about Vinnie and you're not even here to listen. Maybe someday I will tell ya Benny.

I was walking through the Hotel California lobby when I saw you and your partner, talking with the hotel manager. You two are getting way to close here Benny. I couldn't believe you blew my first meeting with Muldoon but this is getting ridiculous. I had one more meeting with him that afternoon to set up the exchange for later tonight, and all I could think was, 'Please, oh please don't botch this one up too because I really want to come home now.'

When I returned from my morning errand, how was I to know what was going to happen. I hurried through the lobby trying at all costs not to be noticed by anyone. My mind was so busy on the business that was ahead of me, I didn't even see you there. I had a meeting set with Muldoon in my hotel room and nothing was going to spoil it, not this time. When I entered the elevator, I thought I was safe. Just a few more days of being Armondo Langostini and I'm home free.

Once I reached the 24th floor, I exited the elevator and headed towards my hotel room where Muldoon and his goons should have already been waiting with a few of my men from Las Vegas. I took a final deep breath before entering the room and when I entered, they were there as I had expected them to be.

I was smooth on the outside but on the inside, I was shaking like a leaf. I was able to see the light through the tunnel now. My second to last meeting with this guy and for this damned assignment, then it would be all over. I could return to my life, my family, my friends, my real job. Ya know, for a Canadian, he looked real rough.

When the knock came on the door, everyone, including myself, became skittish until the high pitched announcement came, "Housekeeping!" We all relaxed instantly and I motioned for them to stand back from the view of the door, just in case. I was in my calm, cool, Armondo Langostini, manner as I headed towards the door to get rid of the annoying little housekeeper. What a surprise I was to find on the other side of the door.

When I opened the door, I had my best mob guy face on but the moment I saw you, pure fear was registering in my head and I can only imagine how big my eyes got at the sight of you two. It wasn't fear for my own life, that I could care less about but I feared for your life because you really never asked to be part of this. It was too late to stop the inevitable. You looked so happy to see me, you were not thinking clearly and you said m the obvious, loud enough that I think the whole 24th floor heard, including the occupants in my room. I think my name was said at least three maybe even four times before you saw the look of horror on my face and Muldoon as he appeared behind me. "Oh dear."

It was just like old times . . . you, me the Riv (except there was no Riv), a stake out and me sticking my neck out for you once again. Didn't I say if I had the chance, I would do it all over again? So now I lay in the hospital with nothing but time to think and thinking is not what I want to do right now. I want to be with you, to help you but even I know when I would be a hindrance.

I can't believe I took another bullet for you. I can't believe and yet I know I would still do it again, no questions asked. I don't know if I would have done that for anyone else but you, well you and my family. Like I said before you are part of my family but another co-worker, I can't see myself ever risking my life that way for just anyone.

The first time I took a bullet for you, in the hospital after the Victoria nightmare, I was shocked by my actions. I guess you had rubbed off on me a bit. No more looking after number one, as I did when we first met but that would be an excuse for why I did it. As I said, I was shocked by my actions because there really was no thinking involved in that decision to intercept that bullet. All I knew was you were defenseless and once again risking your own life for a perfect stranger and there was no reasoning with a woman scorned by love, you should have known that but it didn't stop you. It was the only thing I could do to protect you. I was protecting you on that train platform and once again in the hospital corridor.

As if the Supe r Mountie needs protecting but I know you do. It took me a long time to realize that you're not like Superman but I know that now. It's just you come off as having all the answers and you're always saving the day with time to help an elderly woman cross the street, hold the door open for millions of people and still make it to the Consulate on time. You seemed super human.

Every time something happened to you though, the fact that you were just plain human started to become reality: when Geiger stabbed you in the leg, when Frankie had his goons beat you up and then try to kill you, when Victoria, when Louis and Irene were killed and just recently when Warfield had you beaten. I know you are human like myself and everyone else on earth, that you have feelings and sometimes those feelings get trampled on without anyone noticing. That you need help as much as you offer it. That you need protected as much as you protect. I know that all now.

And now, once again, protecting you has landed me in the hospital to think. This time though, there was thinking involved in my decision to take that bullet for you. All that was going through my head at the time, as Muldoon was raising his gun and taking aim at you, Super Mountie trying to save the day, was 'I have to make it', and I ran to intercept that bullet. A world without you Benny wouldn't be a world worth living in. This world needs you more than you will ever know.

Ya know, when you came to see me last, I knew it was the last time I would see you, for a while at least. I could see it in your eyes. You had that determined "go get your man" look tinged with the guilt of being the reason I was in the position I was in. Don't feel guilty Benny, as I said, I chose this and wouldn't have had it any other way.

But your visit, your last visit wasn't just to see me Benny, no. You came to ask permission to go. After everything I put you through, you were waiting for my blessing to leave this town that was your exile. I was touched, flattered and moved that you felt the need to ask so before you even uttered the words, I asked you, "Do you Mounties always still get your man?"

You simply replied, "We try to."

And I give you the permission you wanted to ask for but couldn't, "So, go get 'em Benny." And now you're gone.

I'm leaving Chicago Benny, me of all people. I'm leaving my family, my friends, my co-workers and my job. Why? That's a good question because I don't even know why. Ever since I started that assignment, I couldn't wait to get back home, to get back to my old life but my old life isn't here to go back to anymore. At least not the old life I want. The old life here now is my old life without you and to be honest, I really wasn't happy then.

I know I will go back to being that miserable person without you here, especially after my time spent as Armondo Langostini. Benny, I've seen things, no one should ever have to witness. I've had nightmares caused by it all. You thought I was a Doubting Thomas before, you ain't seen nothing yet.

I don't trust anyone anymore which probably explains why I blew up at Stan that day in the precinct. I knew there weren't ulterior motives in his head but he took over my life, was enjoying it and wasn't ready or willing to give it back. Frannie put me in my place though and that's when I realized it wasn't so much my life he didn't want to give up but my friend. I couldn't blame him for that. You were and still are a very good friend to me. I still and always will consider you my best friend. I know if ever I need you, you will drop everything in a heartbeat to help me out, no matter what the consequences are. I hope you know the feeling is mutual.

I saw uncertainty in Stan's eyes that day, a lost child is what he reminded me of and I knew then he needed you more than I did. That is one of the reasons why I let you go without saying a word of protest and you leaving is the reason why I have to leave. I can't do Chicago alone, not yet. I have decided to take an early retirement and if I feel up to it later, maybe I will return. Lt. Welsh has said that I would be welcomed back whenever that day is.

Strangely, I'm feeling better now. Maybe there is something to be said about keeping a journal but what's the point in keeping one if there is no one to read it. I'm quite certain that is why your dad kept the ones he did, so at least at some point, his words would be useful to you, no matter how bizarre they may be. That is why I sent you this journal Benny. Because, well because men were never meant to share their feelings and you and I , well we needed to do just that but never got around to it. I thought maybe this way, I could at least tell you what's been going through my head without clamming up.

I hope this journal finds you, Stan and Dief well. I do miss you Benny. Everyday I wonder to myself, what have you licked today and I know it is something that I would never even pick up let alone stick near my mouth.

I will see you again someday Benny, I know that for certain, as I know that I will return to Chicago and I look forward to both those days. Take care of yourself and save all the Inuit stories for me will ya? Thank you kindly for being a part of my life.

******(Somewhere in the Northwest Territory)

It was a small cabin, just big enough for one man to live in comfortably and on the other hand, just big enough for two men and a wolf to stay in for a couple days. It had been a long journey, long and endless and it was time to call it quits. Neither man was upset by the revelation they both, simultaneously, came to. It was just time. When they stopped at the R.C.M.P. station Sergeant Frobisher was currently posted at, they were grateful for the offer of his cabin for the next couple days. They needed the time to think of where each man was heading. Actually, Fraser needed the most time as Stan had always known he would return to Chicago once their adventure was over. Fraser was most surprised when Sergeant Frobisher informed him of the package he had waiting for him at the cabin.

When they arrived at the cabin, the first thing Stan did was crash in the bed, which Fraser truly didn't mind. He did have his bed roll and that suited him just fine. Once he had the fire roaring, Diefenbaker took up his spot in front of the fireplace and laid down for a much needed rest. Fraser, on the other hand, wasn't nearly as ready for sleep as his companions were so he went into the kitchen to fix himself a cup of tea.

Once the tea was prepared, Fraser sat down at the kitchen table and pulled the package Sergeant Frobisher had said was waiting for him. The handwriting on the package was familiar and the return address being from Florida, told him who the parcel was from. Fraser took a sip of his tea, set it aside and began unwrapping the box.

The first thing Fraser did, once the box was open, was to read the letter that accompanied what he could only assume was a journal. When the letter confirmed his assumption, he was shocked and touched at the same time. It was a rare occurrence for Ray to express his inner most feelings and when he did, Fraser relished in the opportunity to get to know the man he considered his best friend. The fact that he sent Fraser his journal . . . Fraser truly felt honored in knowing Ray wanted him to read it and that is exactly what Fraser did.

It took all of an hour and a half for Fraser to read the journal yet it seemed like only ten minutes had passed. When he was through, Fraser placed the journal on the table as he rub bed his eyes, not from tiredness or strain but to keep the tears from falling, in which he knew were inevitable. It had been seven long months since he last saw and spoke to his best friend and now, he felt closer to him than he ever had before.

Fraser got up from the table and went to retrieve his bed roll. Once the bed roll was stretched out next to where Diefenbaker slept and the Mountie was snuggled inside, only then would he let himself cry. It wasn't a cry of sorrow though, it was more a joyous cry because for the first time, in this long journey that had started the day his best friend left without a simple goodbye, the Mountie knew just where he belonged and where he was going. Never in a million years had he thought he would return to Chicago but then again, three years ago, if asked if he would ever leave the Territories, he would have laughed at such a thought. Now, he couldn't believe he hadn't left sooner.