The call came at 3am, Mr Mustafi banging on his door to bring him to the phone. He'd feared this from the first moment he realised how important Ray had become to him, even before they'd become lovers. He'd known Ray was going to be on a stakeout tonight, had offered to go with him. But Ray had refused.
"It only going to be me and Huey. We can't make up a decent poker game with only three of us. And we won't be able to fool around." Ray had grinned at him. It was the last time he'd seen him.
It was Jack Huey on the phone.
"Fraser, its bad news."
"How bad?"
"He's still alive. We're at the Mercy Hospital."
"The Vecchio's?"
"I've already called them. Better get here fast, Frasier." It must have been a slip. Only Ray had ever said his name that way... only Ray...
He leaned against the wall, fighting for control. Fighting to stay upright.
"...you OK, Fraser?" From his voice, this wasn't the first time Mr Mustafi had asked. He looked up. "Is it your... friend?"
"Yes. He's badly hurt. I have to go." He was already moving, was halfway down the stairs before he realised that he was only wearing shorts and T-shirt. He flung himself back up the stairs, down the hallway, into the apartment. A moment to pull on jeans and running shoes and out again, yelling at Dief to stay.
Out on the street it was cold enough to frost his breath. He hesitated a moment. There were no cabs in this neighbourhood, he could get to one in maybe 5 minutes. But that was in the opposite direction to the hospital. It would be quicker, he knew. Still, like a compass needle turning to a magnet, he turned towards the hospital and ran.
*
They were all there when he burst into the hallway outside the OR. The Vecchios on one side, Lt Welsh and Huey on the other. He paused a moment fighting for control, then went over to the Vecchio side. Mrs Vecchio came towards him, her face pitying, but stern. She was crying.
"You do not belong here Benton, please, go away."
His heart stood still. She knew.
"Mrs Vecchio, please..."
"No Benton, what you have done is a great sin. This is God's punishment on both of you. And on me for not stopping it."
"Is he...?" He couldn't say the word.
"Please go." She turned away, back to her family. They closed around her, excluding him. Frannie glared at him then bent over her mother.
He retreated to the far end of the hallway. Lt Welsh and Huey were staring, obviously at a loss. He couldn't talk to them yet, not while his mind was still reeling with shock. He found a seat and almost fell into it. He was shivering, the heat generated by the run already dissipated. He put his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut.
............The sunlight had been so bright it had hurt his eyes, but he hadn't closed them, he'd wanted to drink in every tiny detail of Ray's body. They'd stumbled into the apartment, hands fumbling with each other's clothing, desperate to remove all the barriers between them. But the reality had almost overwhelmed both of them and they'd stepped back a little, needing a moment to collect themselves before moving forward. Then Ray had smiled, almost shyly, and he'd stepped into the waiting arms for that first real touch. They'd fallen to the floor, the bed forgotten. God, they'd been so awkward. Two men who'd never before made love with another man, but the raw passion of that afternoon had been unforgettable. Later they'd learned the subtleties, Ray had even started to bring home books whose pictures had made him blush and had teased him about it mercilessly. Now, all he wanted to remember was how they'd lain in the narrow bed, in a tangled, sweaty embrace, with the sun shining in stripes across their bodies, and talked in that ridiculous way that new lovers did, about everything and nothing............
*
A hand touched his shoulder and he started wildly. It was Jack Huey, looking at him as though he had never seen him before. Did everybody know, now?
"You and Ray... you were..." Huey paused, searching for the right word. "...together?"
He nodded briefly, then caught the implication of the past tense. It must have shown in his face.
Huey said hurriedly "He's still in OR."
For a moment the relief was almost more than he could bear, but it didn't last. Everybody he'd loved had either died or betrayed him, and Ray would never betray him. He dropped his head in his hands again. After a while the other man moved away, then his footsteps came back. A blanket dropped around his shoulders and he was left alone again. Alone with his memories...
*
Huey was back. He looked up. Lt Welsh was there too, looking very uncomfortable, not able to meet his eyes.
"Ray's out of OR. The surgeon will be here soon."
He stood, and a moment later the doors opened to let a gurney through. There was a concerted rush from the Vecchios. Welsh held him back. "Not now, Fraser."
Welsh was right of course. That didn't make it any easier when the gurney was pushed into the elevator and disappeared. The surgeon emerged and began talking to the family. He went as close as he dared, hearing snatches of the conversation.
"...still critical..."
"...next 48 hours..."
"...bullet in the..."
"...massive trauma..."
It was as bad as his worse fears. He turned away, heading for the stairs and the ICU. There was nothing he could do but wait. Mrs Vecchio might relent. Maybe she would let him see Ray at least once. It was the only hope he allowed himself.
............At first there had been nothing to cloud their happiness. The only wonder had been that nobody had seemed to notice. Dief had been the only witness to their love and he had seemed to approve. Every moment they'd been able to snatch from their jobs had been spent together. Ray had stayed over with him as often as he'd thought he could get away with it.
They had both known it would have been unwise to tell anyone. Chicago cops and Italian-American Catholics were not renown for their acceptance of gay relationships. It hadn't been hard for him, he had no family or close friends, but he had worried about Ray. Ray had insisted that everything was OK, but sometimes he had wondered, when Ray had been unusually quiet or had seemed unhappy............
*
Another hallway. The Vecchios at one end. Him at the other. Lt Welsh and Huey in between, talking to both. If he went far enough up the hallway, he could catch a glimpse through the observation windows of an anonymous figure in a large white bed, surrounded by medical equipment, transfixed by tubing. It wasn't Ray, it couldn't be.
Hours passed, he waited. Finally Lt Welsh came over to him. "They want you to leave, Fraser."
"I can't do that sir."
"It'll be hours, maybe days, before they know anything."
"Or he could die in the next ten minutes."
Welsh sighed.
He turned away, walked to the far end of the hallway. He stared out the window, seeing nothing.
"They won't let you see him, son."
He didn't turn around, not wanting anyone, not even... especially not, his father, to see the tears running down his cheeks.
"I was hoping they'd let me see him once it's... over..." His voice broke. He wrapped his arms around his chest, trying to hold in the pain. Letting it out was more than he could bear. He was already shaking with sobs. "Dad, could you... I mean, is it possible..."
"I'll look after him son, if that's what you mean."
"Would I be able to see him? Like I do you?"
"I don't know, son."
He leaned his forehead against the coolness of the window. After a while he sensed that his father's presence had gone.
*
............It had been, what, a month? six weeks? after they'd become lovers when Ray had stopped inviting him home for the big family dinners that had so overwhelmed him at first, but which he had grown to love.
"I just feel uncomfortable Benny. I'm always scared we're going to give ourselves away. Ma would have a fit!"
"Won't they wonder why I've stopped coming?"
"Nah! I'll tell them you've got a new girlfriend."
They'd laughed at the impossibility of that............
Now he wondered how long Mrs Vecchio had known about them.
*
It was getting lighter. Welsh had gone, but Huey was still there. He came over and sat on the bench; it was clear he had something he wanted to say.
"I don't understand what was going on between you and Ray, but he's your partner..."
"Jack..."
"No, let me finish... after Louis died, Ray came over every day to talk to me, while I was on leave. Even after that, he'd come around sometimes. Just to talk... what I'm trying to say is, Ray was there for me and I... well, if there's anything I can do. I know he'd want you to have someone when, I mean, if..." Huey's voice trailed off.
"Thank you, Jack. I do appreciate it."
"Look, I know this may be awkward but... do you want me to get anything of yours from Ray's apartment?"
He must have shown his confusion.
"You didn't know? Ray moved into an apartment about two months ago."
He went out into the stairway, stumbled down the first couple of steps and then sat when his knees gave way. Two months ago had been just after Ray had stopped taking him home. What must have been happening to make Ray move out? And Ray had never mentioned a thing. Dear God, no wonder Mrs Vecchio hated him. No, that was being unfair, he hadn't seen any hate in her eyes. He wondered if she felt he'd betrayed her trust, since she'd always treated him like another son. He had to try to make her understand.
Four pairs of eyes followed him as he walked towards the Vecchio family, four pairs of eyes showing varying degrees of anger, disgust, pain. It was like an assault. He looked only at Ray's mother.
"Mrs Vecchio, please, I must talk to you."
He thought she would refuse at first, but then she seemed to change her mind. She walked away from her children and he followed her.
"I didn't know that Ray had moved out of the house, Mrs Vecchio. If I had, I would have come to talk to you sooner. I never intended to hurt any of you, especially Ray."
"How did you think it could be any other way? Someone was bound to get hurt, Benton."
"I love him."
"I know that Benton, but what you have done is very wrong. You must never see my son again ."
"I can't promise that, Mrs Vecchio."
"You may not have any choice." She was crying now.
"Mrs Vecchio, if he's... if he's dying... will you let me say goodbye?"
She put her hand to her mouth, tears spilling down her cheeks, but she shook her head firmly. He was crying too, not caring anymore who saw him. Mrs Vecchio reached up to touch his cheek.
"Go pray for my Raimondo, and for yourself, to put this sin behind you."
He went, but not to pray. That kind of belief was more than he could manage.
*
Time seemed to pass in irregular surges, sometimes it seemed to drag, but suddenly it was dark again. He was still wearing the same clothes he'd put on nearly 24 hours before. He didn't remember eating anything, but didn't feel hungry. The nurses and doctors were carefully avoiding him and wouldn't tell him anything about Ray's condition. He supposed they were following Mrs Vecchio's instructions.
His father, Huey, Lt Welsh all came and went during the day, but he didn't pay them much attention. It was all focused on that room at the other end of the hallway. He didn't even notice when Huey came in, quite late, and sat next to him, not speaking.
There was a brief flurry of activity. Doctors came out of the ICU and Mrs Vecchio went in. He was suddenly standing, then running towards the room. Huey grabbed him and was nearly flung off before he realised who it was.
"I've got to see him!"
"You can't Fraser."
"He's dying!"
"You don't know that. You can't go in."
He began to struggle, and had just about got free when an orderly and a security guard got involved.
"Fraser, stop it. Stop, or I'll have to arrest you."
He fought like a maniac while they wrestled him to the floor. He knew it was futile, that it would only make things worse, but he couldn't help it. It was all he could do to stop himself screaming Ray's name aloud. Finally Huey got handcuffs on him and he was dragged to his feet and over to the elevator. Once inside, with the doors closed, Huey threw his arms around him and held him while he shuddered, close to breaking point.
It caused a major sensation when Huey took him into the station. Everyone there knew him of course, even some of the criminals. He was put in the interrogation room while Lt Welsh and Inspector Thatcher were called. If she chose to take a hard line, his career in the RCMP would be over. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered, except Ray. He paced restlessly, catching a glimpse of himself in the two-way mirror. He almost didn't recognise the wild, white face, unshaven, streaked with dirt and tears.
He saw that image again in the shock on Meg Thatcher's face when she came in with Welsh. They all sat. Welsh spoke first, answering the question he didn't dare ask.
"He's still alive, there's a slight improvement, but he's not out of danger yet."
It nearly broke him. He flung himself out of the chair and across the room to lean his hands and forehead against the wall, fighting for control. After a time Welsh cleared his throat. "The hospital has agreed not to press charges, now they know the situation. Mrs Vecchio will go along with that, provided you don't go back to the hospital."
"I can't agree to that."
Meg stepped in. "You know that if charges are brought against you, you'll face, at the very least, a disciplinary hearing, at worst dismissal. Think about what you're doing here, Fraser, you're a good officer."
"I have thought about it. I'm sorry, sir."
Thatcher and Welsh conferred quietly, deciding his fate. Finally Welsh spoke aloud. "We can hold him till morning without charges. Maybe he needs time to think it over."
It wouldn't make any difference, he knew that. As soon as he was free again, he would be going straight back to the hospital.
At least they put him in a single cell.
*
He drifted in and out of sleep. He knew he'd been arrested, but sometimes it was another time and place.
............Ray had been there, not speaking, just lending him support, like any friend would have. Was that when he had started to love him? It was hard to say. Somehow love had snuck up on both of them, and they hadn't realised it until afterwards. He only knew that it was the closest he'd ever felt to Ray up to that point............
In the morning Huey came with fresh clothes. He washed and changed, forced down a cup of coffee, only because Elaine brought it and watched him anxiously while he drank. Soon it would be time for the hearing and then he would be able to leave for the hospital. Huey had called and been told there was no change in Ray's condition. Then, just as they were about to leave Welsh came in to tell him that Mrs Vecchio had decided not to press charges. It wasn't till much later that he found out that Welsh had spent half the night talking her out of it. Welsh took him to the hospital and walked with him to the ICU area.
"OK, now here's the rules. You don't go past this point here, you don't talk to any of the Vecchios, you don't hassle the staff. Keep to that, and there'll be no problems."
"Understood."
He settled into his corner by the window and resumed the vigil. Some of the staff were a little friendlier today, he thought, bringing him coffee, and snacks which went uneaten. Dief would have loved them, but Dief was at Willie's place, Huey had told him. He drank some of the coffee.
There was a bad time during the afternoon when a priest came in and went into the room with Mrs Vecchio. He was close to panic by the time they came out, Mrs Vecchio smiling a little, he thought, through her tears. A little later, a nurse told him that Ray had woken briefly, but hadn't recognised anybody. Still not out of danger... may get worse before he's better... the words echoed in his head all night. He should be with Ray, Ray would have recognised him, he was sure of it...
*
Another day. Still no real improvement.
*
He looked up when he realised someone was standing in front of him, how long had he been there? He recognised the young man as one of Ray's nurses. The fear must have shown on his face, he was getting used to people being able to read him like a book.
"It's OK, he's still improving. I just wanted to say that, well, some of us think it's wrong, what they're doing. You should be with him."
He fought back tears. "Mrs Vecchio thinks Ray will go to hell for loving me... she's just trying to save him. I can't blame her for that. I'd do the same, in her place."
"Well, if I can do anything, let me know." The young man, David, according to his name tag turned to go.
"Wait. David... can you give Ray a message from me?"
"I'm sorry, he's hardly ever awake, and when he is, someone from the family's there. He doesn't really know what's happening yet, so he probably wouldn't understand anyway."
He'd been crazy to hope, now the disappointment was devastating. "Thanks anyway, David."
"Sure. Maybe in a couple of days."
*
Was this the third day? He couldn't keep track of the passing time. People came and went. They talked to him sometimes. He didn't answer, he didn't even know who they were most of the time. His mind was so focused on the room at the other end of the hallway that sometimes he thought his spirit was actually in there, watching.
"Fraser?"
He hadn't heard anyone come over to him, but David was squatting on his heels in front of him. Somebody else, Huey?, was sitting beside him, had been for a long time, he thought.
"Ray's turned the corner, Fraser, and he's awake!"
"Is he going to live?" His voice came out as a croak.
"There's always the possibility of a set-back, barring that, he's out of danger."
Something was happening to him... he couldn't see or hear. Then strong arms surrounded him, holding him against an unfamiliar body, with an unfamiliar scent. Far in the distance he could hear somebody crying - hard, gut-wrenching sobs. His own gut twisted in sympathy, he knew exactly how that person felt... He was that person. The realisation sent him fleeing to the only place he could get any privacy, the visitors bathroom.
Locking the door behind him, he knew that another instinct had brought him here, and just in time. He dropped to his knees by the toilet and retched violently with almost no result, but he couldn't stop even though there was nothing to bring up. Huey was pounding on the door, demanding to be let in, David was calling to him too. He twisted away from the toilet, falling back against the wall and managed to reach up to unlock the door.
Huey just held him while he shook uncontrollably. After a while someone else was there. He felt the sting of a hypodermic and protested.
"Don't worry, its just a mild tranquiliser. It won't even put you out."
Once the shakes subsided, he was able to get to his feet, with Huey's assistance. David took his free arm and they walked him back to his seat. David sat beside him, looking him over.
"Listen, Fraser. You need to get some rest and food, or you won't be any use to Ray when he needs you."
"They won't let me see him, what use am I going to be?"
"I've got an idea, but it won't work while you're in such a mess. Go home and get some sleep, I'll give you a couple of mild sleeping pills to help. Get some food, soup or something light. Don't come back till tomorrow night, OK? I'll be in touch."
*
Huey drove him back to the apartment and helped him upstairs with an arm around his waist, and all the time he was thinking it should be Ray... it should be Ray... At the door he thanked him and sent him off. The apartment was his and Ray's haven, he didn't want anyone else to come in it right now.
It was completely, shockingly, normal, after all that had happened, surely it should look different? He wandered around, touching things, finally managed to heat some soup and drink about half a cup. He went to the bed. The blankets were still thrown back from that night. The indentation of his body was still there, and was that a faint trace of Ray's body beside it? He tumbled onto the bed, careful not to mess up Ray's side. His exhaustion was overpowering him, but he traced the lines on the sheet with his forefinger, smiling a little, feeling the first faint stirrings of hope.
............They'd made love there that last afternoon. Nothing special or passionate, just the warm revisiting of their love. It had been cold and raining and afterwards they had lain in each other's arms, silent, watching the raindrops running down the window panes, listening to each others breathing.
Later he'd stayed there, watching as Ray dressed, getting ready for the stakeout. There was nothing to warn either of them. No premonition. Just the expectation of a boring evening spent apart............
Waking to a banging on his door, in the dark, it was like some terrible action replay, until he remembered. It was David on the line.
"Come to the hospital about midnight tomorrow. I'll get some coveralls for you and sneak you in to see Ray. There's usually nobody around then, and we can wait till Mrs Vecchio goes for her walk. Now that you're not here all the time, the Vecchios have relaxed a bit."
"Thank you kindly, David. You won't get into trouble will you?"
"Not if we don't get caught."
He thanked Mr Mustafi and went back to bed. He had some plans of his own to make.
*
When midnight came, he was there, ready. David met him in the stairwell, bundled him into an orderly's lab coat and gave him a clipboard.
"Hold it up near your face if anyone comes along, OK?" The young man was very nervous. He paused, then added "they told Ray you'd been sent back to Canada. He's been slipping back a bit since then."
"Ray would never believe I'd leave him!"
"He's weak, and really vulnerable right now, and they're his family... you can't blame him."
He softened at once. "No, of course I understand. Now it's even more important that I see him. Is he awake, do you know?"
"I'm not sure, but he's usually pretty restless around this time. It won't be hard to wake him."
The strolled casually along the hallway, there was nobody in sight. When they reached Ray's room David glanced in. Nobody in there either, for the moment.
"Go on, you won't have much time."
He went in, his heart pounding. Three steps to the bed. Dear God, Ray looked so frail, so shrunken. He leaned over the safety rail and touched his right hand with trembling fingertips, while David kept watch in the doorway, clipboard in hand.
"Ray... wake up Ray."
Shadowed eyelids flickered at the sound of his voice, the forehead wrinkled. It seemed like Ray made an effort and then grey-green eyes were fixed on his. "Benny?"
It was just a whisper. His eyes filled with tears and he blinked them away, not wanting to miss a single moment.
"Yes Ray, I'm here."
"...not a dream?"
"I'm real, here..." He touched the pale, drawn cheek, his thumb caressing the full lips. A whispered "hurry!" from the doorway galvanised him into action. He stripped off the lab coat and flung it towards David, then let down the rail.
"Fraser, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm not leaving Ray again."
"I'll lose my job if we're caught!"
"Nobody needs to know you were involved. Just get out of here, David. I'll never forget this."
David's eyes widened as he took a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket. He snapped one bracelet shut around Ray's right wrist and the other around his own. Ray, who had been watching all this in puzzled silence, protested.
"Why you 'resting me Benny? wha've I done?"
"Shh. I'm making sure nobody can separate us again."
"Ohhh... ...who?"
"Never mind."
He got onto the bed and slid his left arm under Ray's shoulders, very carefully, and moulded his body against his lover's. He put his manacled hand over Ray's, their fingers twining together instinctively. Ray relaxed against him, smiled and drifted back to sleep.
He kissed Ray softly on the lips, then turned his head. David was still standing by the doorway.
"Get out, David. Nobody can prove you're involved if you're not here." David fled.
There was going to be all hell to pay when someone came to check Ray. But without the keys to the handcuffs, there wasn't much they could do about it. Not for a while, anyway. He'd deal with that when the time came.
He ought to stay awake, for when the inevitable intruder arrived, but his eyes kept drifting shut, and, feeling truly at peace for the first time in days, he succumbed.
*
The duty nurse looked into the room and was stunned to see two men on the big hospital bed. She could see the glint of light on metal... handcuffs? She'd seen a few things in her time, but this was something new. She hesitated, debating whether to call security. The patient had been slipping back all day, she didn't want to risk any kind of shock to him.
She moved closer and checked the monitors. Heart rate and blood pressure were improved from earlier in the day, almost back to their previous best. She decided to leave it for now. Besides, they looked so right together, their two hands tightly linked even in sleep. She slipped quietly out.
............It had been so hot that day, the interior of the Riv had been stifling, yet they'd delayed reluctant, for some reason, to part. He'd known that Ray had somewhere else to go. But they'd sat and talked about nothing in particular for nearly five minutes. Finally even Ray had run out of things to say. In the suddenly deafening silence he'd looked across at Ray and seen his face, stripped of its usual bland mask, displaying a mixture of longing and hopelessness. He'd been transfixed, unable to look away. How long had he loved this man? he'd wondered in that endless moment.
Then Ray had looked away and begun fiddling with the ignition. He'd been going to leave and the chance would have been lost forever. Neither of them would have had the courage to be so vulnerable again. He'd reached over and touched Ray's cheek, brushing away the single tear that had clung there. Ray's face turning towards him had told him all he had needed to know. Neither of them had said a word, but suddenly they'd been out on the pavement, stumbling towards his apartment............
Behind her, in the bed the two men smiled in their sleep.