Life Goes On
By Sharron Ibbitson
PG-13

When you lose someone, can life go on?

Monday 15th February 1999, 1:03am

Ray Kowalski shook his head as the events of the previous day again ran
through his mind. He wiped away the tears that were once more falling
heavily down his cheeks. He again picked up the whisky bottle that lay
discarded by his side. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the image.

Sunday 14th February 1999, 8:00am

Ray cheerily walked into the squad room with a big grin on his face. He and
Stella were going out to dinner that night. She had finally agreed that it
was better than them both being alone. He even whistled as he walked across
to his desk. He felt as though he didn't have a care in the World.

Monday 15th February 1999,1:32 am

As Ray remembered the occurrences of the night before, he threw the empty
whisky bottle against the wall and watched in satisfaction as it broke into
hundreds of tiny pieces.

14th Feb 1999, 10:00am

Despite investigating a murder case for the whole day, Ray was still in a
good mood. He couldn't wait to see Stella. Fraser hadn't seen his friend
this happy for a long time. Ray had explained what was behind his good mood,
and Fraser felt happy for him, but he was also concerned that his friend may
get hurt.

15th Feb, 1:45am

Ray let out agonized sobs, of anger, hurt and sorrow. He had loved the woman
for his entire adult life and always believed that they would at some point
get back together, now that was never going to happen.

14th Feb, 6:00pm

Ray went straight home as soon as six p.m. came round. He had a long hot
shower before shaving and getting dressed into a smart blue shirt and black
suit. He even made an attempt to tame his unruly hair. He still wore his gun
and shoulder holster, but mainly through habit. He found himself ready a
long time before he even had to think about leaving to pick Stella up.

15th Feb., 2:01am

Ray held his head in his hands and found himself drawn to the bottle of
sleeping pills that lay on the table just three feet away from him. Before he realized the implications behind his actions, he picked up the bottle. One by one he downed the pills dryly. He never got round to taking the whole bottle before he felt sleepy, as the effects of the alcohol and
the drugs overcame him.

14th Feb, 8:00pm

Ray had been on time to pick Stella up and they chatted amicably all the way
to the restaurant. They were seated straight away as Ray had made good
reservations. They talked as though they had always been together, which in
spirit they had. They ate good food and drank good wine. The meal seemed to
go too quickly for Ray, and was over before he knew. He collected Stella's
coat for her and she stood outside the restaurant to wait while Ray
collected the car. It was while Ray was gone that the teenager came up to
her demanding her money, Stella never was the sort of woman who would give
up without a fight, unlucky for her this particular teenager had a knife and
was prepared to use it. Just as Ray came hurtling round the corner, the
teenager slit her throat before taking off with her handbag, which only
contained 5 bucks. Ray watched helplessly as the blood flowed from the deep
gash in her throat. He called an ambulance and the police before pulling her
into his lap and trying to staunch the flow of blood. It felt like an
eternity before the ambulance arrived. A blanket was draped over his
shoulders and Lieutenant Welsh lead him away. He was sat down in the squad
car, and he was unable to say a word. Fraser had been contacted and arrived
within ten minutes, just as they were zipping up the body bag.

15th Feb, 2:07am

"Ray, Ray let me in" Fraser called through Ray's apartment door, he had been
concerned for his friend ever since Stella's murder only a few hours ago.
After he received no answer he used the key that the landlady had given him
and went inside. He immediately started heaving at the sight before him.

14th Feb, 9:45pm

Ray had been driven to the station to make a statement, but Lieutenant Welsh
said that he was in no fit state to. He just sat and shivered, not saying a
word to anybody until Welsh declared that he had gone into shock and should
be driven home. At this he came out of his reverie and emphatically stated
that he was fine. Welsh instructed Huey and Dewey to run Fraser and Ray
home. Fraser walked Ray up to his apartment, but ray instructed Fraser to go
straight home.

"Please Ray talk to me," Fraser had begged.

"No, Fraser just go home," he had told the Mountie before shutting the door.

15th Feb, 2:09am

Fraser had called for an ambulance and called Welsh as soon as he had placed
blankets tightly around Ray. He cradled his fallen partner and friend,
whilst hoping and praying that he would be fine. The shallow breathing, the
stillness and the pale complexion scared even Fraser.

15th Feb, 3:45am

Ray's stomach was pumped, and he was placed in a hospital bed immediately whilst
being hooked up to various machines. The nurses informed Fraser that five
minutes longer and Ray would certainly have died. Quite a crowd was
gathering in the waiting room as Frannie, Fraser, Welsh, Huey and Dewey all
gathered together waiting for news of their friend and colleague. The
doctor eventually came and allowed two visitors at a time, Frannie and
Fraser went first.

Frannie burst into tears when she saw Ray; he was so pale and cold to the
touch.

"Oh Ray, I'm so sorry," she told his unconscious form.

Meanwhile Ray felt a strange sensation as he saw the whole scene play out in
front of him, he saw himself laying on a bed and Frannie crying for him. He
even saw his heart flat line. It freaked him out. He looked around him and
was surprised when he saw Stella walking towards him.

"Stella?" he asked unsure of himself, hadn't she died? Oh wait a minute,
does that mean that he's...?

"Yes Ray it's me."

"Am I dead?"

"Do you want to be," she replied angrily, but concerned for him at the same
time.

"If it means being with you, then yes," he replied honestly.

"Why did you do it Ray," she asked gently with compassion.

"I want to be with you," he told her, knowing that she already knew.

"Don't you understand? Now isn't your time. It was written in my fate before
I was even born that I would die now. You're meant to go on for a long, long
time yet," she told him honestly, hoping he would fight for himself.

"But I want us to be together," he told her through his tears.

"We will be, just not yet. Live your life Ray. Meet somebody, have kids, be
happy, and then when your time comes we'll be together."

"I love you Stella."

"I love you too Ray." They shared a passionate kiss before he spiraled down.

He gasped, and heard a strange voice.

"He's back" What? Who's back?

"Oh thank God," that was Frannie. Oh right I remember I tried to kill myself.
He thought calmly. Now might be a good time to open my eyes, he thought to
himself, so he tried it.

His eyes fluttered open and Frannie was by his side in an instant. Her hand
pressed against his cheek.

"Oh Ray, don't try and talk yet. Do you remember what happened?" Ray nodded.
"Oh Ray, I'm so sorry. This might not be the right time, but I love you," she
told him gently, and he could tell she meant it. He nodded sleepily, before
once more closing his eyes. Maybe Stella was right and life does go on, he
thought to himself.

16th Feb

It had been two days since Stella had died and Ray had tried to commit
suicide. Ray had barely been awake since, and when he did have his eyes open
he was living in his own personal waking nightmare. Frannie had been by his
side almost continually, holding his hand and muttering soothing words. She
wasn't sure if he was aware of what she was saying or even if he noticed she
was there, but she felt better by being there. He had been so close to
death that the doctors said that he would be out of it for some time to
come.

18th Feb

Frannie had left Ray's room to get showered and change her clothes whilst
Fraser dozed in the nearby chair. Ray's eyes slowly fluttered open, he
looked up in astonishment when he once again saw Stella standing before him.

"Stella, what are you doing here," he questioned weakly.

"Ray, you're not fighting," she stated simply.

"I am too," he told her.

"Prove it," she said daring him.

"How?"

"Wake up and talk to Frannie," she told him. He turned his head away "Ray
remember what I said? You have to find somebody and fall in love," she told
him. "I'm not always going to be here to make you fight for what you need,
and you do need to wake up Ray. If not for your sake, then for the sake of
your friends." Ray blinked back the tears.

"When will I see you again," he asked quietly.

"I don't know but I'll be watching over you, and be there to help whenever you
need me. I love you Ray," she told him, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek.

18th Feb, An hour Later

When Frannie came back to the hospital she was surprised to see a tear
trickling down Ray's cheek. She gently wiped it away and Ray's eyes sprung
open, shocking her.

"Oh my God Ray," she gasped. He smiled weakly. The grin didn't reach his
eyes, but she could tell he was trying.

"Ray, how long...? I mean um how are you?" She rambled.

"I'm okay. My throat hurts". She immediately filled the glass set down on the side with water and fed it to him through a straw.

"That's where they had to pump the drugs out of your system," she explained.

"Thanks," he gasped, immediately tiring. She gently ran her fingers through his soft hair and looked deeply into his eyes.

"Do you remember anything," she asked him carefully. He nodded, trying to hold back the tears.

"Yeah, Stella was killed. I tried to um I tried to..... Then I woke up and you told me that you loved me," he told her monotonously.

Frannie gasped. She almost wished that he hadn't remembered the latter, as she wasn't

sure how he was going to take it, but she was also glad that it was out in the open.
"So um what do you think," she asked him, almost dreading his response.

"Um I don't know, I mean I like you and everything and I would love to give
it a go, but just not yet you know. I mean Stella's only been.." he choked
up at that point.

"It's okay Ray I understand. It's too soon, as long as I didn't offend you.
I'm sorry I know it wasn't the best time, I was just so scared that
you'd ....... Before I got to tell you" Frannie told him, at last being totally
honest about the way she felt.

"Frannie I appreciate it, but would you mind if I went back to sleep now,"
Ray asked her.

"No of course not, you sleep. You need to heal," she told him gently. She
unconsciously repeated the same gesture that Stella had, felt him gently
on his cheek whilst running her hand up his arm. She sat back down in the
chair while Ray slept, then decided that she had best wake Fraser to let him
know. She shook him awake and together they walked down to the canteen.

Meanwhile

Meanwhile Ray was once again pulled back from the brink of death by a gentle
hand caressing his face. He opened his eyes lethargically and Stella was
once more standing before him. His face lit up into a wide smile when he saw
her.

"Hey," she said, "How you doing?"

He nodded gently. "Not bad, I spoke to Frannie," he told her to prove that he listened to her.

"I know. It wasn't so bad was it? So do you feel the same way," she asked in
concern.

"Well I do. But I want to wait a while before we, you know."

Stella nodded in understanding. She knew how he felt. "I'm so proud of you."

"Me? What for?"

"For fighting. It would have been so easy to just give up. You did at first, but you fought to live. Fought to have a life. And most of all, you're still fighting. You're fighting to go on with life and be happy." Ray wiped the tears away from his eyes, and even though Stella herself was dead, she still had to fight the tears. "I'll be looking out for you," she told him, before her image went away.

Feb 19th

Frannie went to see Ray before she even went into work, she found him just waking up, and he looked slightly confused when he first saw her.

"Stella," he whispered.

"No Ray. It's me, Frannie," she said gently. He wrapped his arms around her and sobbed his heart out as she held him in her warm embrace. She held him that way for some time, before he quieted down. He was so fragile; she didn't know what to say to him. She wanted to tell him that everything would be all right, but she wasn't sure if it would be. After a while he looked up.

"Thank You Frannie."

"For what?"

"For being here. I really needed somebody, and well Fraser tries, but he doesn't understand," he told her before turning away and falling back into a fitful slumber.

Feb 20th

When Ray woke up, Frannie was once more by his side. She was holding his
hand gently and caressing his face.

"Hey," she said when she saw he was awake.

"Hello. What are you doing here?"

"I want to spend as much time with you as I can. You shouldn't be alone."

"Why you afraid that I'll try to top myself again," he asked, she chose to ignore the anger in his words.

"No, I'm just worried about you that's all." It was at this point that Fraser walked in. Frannie decided that that would be a good time to leave, so she gently kissed Ray on the forehead and walked out.

"How are you feeling Ray?"

"I'm fine," Ray replied. "I just wish that everybody would stop treating me like I was going to break."

"It's only because people are concerned about you, and you have been through
a lot lately," Fraser told him gently. Ray closed his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. Fraser read his friend's thoughts. "It's okay to cry you know, Ray."

"Every time I close my eyes I see that... that bastard screaming at Stella to give her the bag. I knew she wouldn't, she's not like that. I mean she wasn't like that. She was never one to give in. Always had to have the last word and could never be taken for a ride. I remember this time, we were in
LA on vacation and we went into this restaurant. The waiter screwed up Stella's order, he wouldn't admit he had got it wrong despite the fact that he clearly had. He just stood there and argued with her. Had to feel sorry for the kid, he never stood a chance. That's why Stella made a good attorney." It felt good to be talking about her. Ray finished the story with a smile on his face. Fraser smiled in response.

"She was a good lady, Ray. She did love you, you know?" Ray nodded.

"Yeah I know, but it would never have worked. I loved her too."

"I know you did, but sometimes you have to let go and move on." Fraser unconsciously repeated what Stella had told Ray only a short time before.

"That' just what Stella said," Ray told him, without fully realising what he had just said.

"What," Fraser asked, puzzled.

"Um, nothing Fraser." Ray didn't want to tell Fraser about Stella's visits for fear that he would herd him off to the nearest psyche ward. Fraser nodded he thought that he understood anyway, after all, his father visits him, why shouldn't Stella visit Ray?

"Why don't you go back to sleep Ray. I'll stay until Frannie comes back."

Ray nodded. "Thank you, Fraser."

"For what?"

"For listening."

"It is truly my pleasure."

15th March

It had been a month since Stella's death and Ray was still struggling to come to terms with it. He was already back at work, but everybody noticed how quiet and withdrawn he was. He was mainly given office work to do, as Welsh was quite concerned about the young detective. Frannie regularly came
to chat with him, well she did the talking and he listened. Stella hadn't visited Ray since he had been released from the hospital. He found himself feeling even lonelier without her presence. Frannie was trying her best, but he just felt like he was on his own. Frannie was fantastic and he felt
almost guilty as he found himself falling for her.

16th March

It was a Friday and Ray was still staying with Francesca, as she was very concerned about him. She knew that he knew how she felt about him, and she was beginning to think that he was starting to feel the same way. She was also under the impression that he felt guilty about it. Although most of the
physical marks had faded the mental and emotional scars were still deep within him, and no matter how much he tried to suppress them, they still showed clearly. She decided that the best thing to do was to talk to him.

"Ray, will you come to dinner tonight?" She asked him out of the blue. He looked up surprised. He hesitated before answering.

"Um, yeah sure" he stammered, not quite sure of what was going through Frannie's mind.

She smiled to herself and told him that she'd book a table.
She went and made a reservation, then she went to the consulate. She had
to talk to Fraser.

"Hello Francesca," he greeted her.

"Oh hi Frase, listen can I talk with you?" He nodded and led her into his small cramped quarters. "It's about Ray," she stated, which got Fraser's full attention, he nodded at her to continue. "When he was in the hospital I told him how I felt about him."

"And how do you feel about him?"

"I love him. I told him and he said that he needed time to get over Stella
before we did anything," she told him "The thing is I'm not sure if he does
feel anything for me. Whenever he looks at me there's something strange in
his eyes, like he wants to tell me something but feels guilty about it."

Fraser nodded absently before responding. "Well I'm almost certain that Ray does feel something for you." When she shot him a questioning look, he continued, "When you first started work at the
precinct Ray told me."

She looked shocked. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"He was afraid that you'd reject him. You know what a low self-esteem he has. Besides, it might have blown your brother's cover."

She nodded in understanding. "I'm taking him to dinner tonight. I thought that he might talk to me."


"That might be a good idea, but remember what the doctors said. You mustn't
push him."

Frannie nodded gave Fraser a quick kiss on the cheek, which just
months ago would have excited her, muttered her thanks and went to get ready
for dinner. When she arrive home Ray was nowhere to be seen, and she was
told that he hadn't returned from work yet. She got dressed and did her make
up then went back to the precinct to collect Ray. When she got there she saw
Ray was in Welsh's office, so she knocked before going in.

"Ah Francesca, I need to talk to you to," Welsh told her before shutting the door. "Your brother's assignment has finished."

Her mouth gaped open. "You mean he's coming home?" Welsh nodded. "So will he be working here?"

"That's up to him," Welsh replied. Kowalski left at this point.

"So what happens to Ray," she asked gesturing towards Ray Kowalski.

"That's up to Kowalski," he replied, then smiled. "Gee, it's good to call him by that name again."

"You know Ray from before," Frannie questioned.

"Of course I recommended him for the job."

"How do you know each other," she asked.

"I've known Ray since he was about ten years old. He used to be best friends
with my nephew. His father went ape when he wanted to join the force, always
blamed me for it. He was always a good kid."

Frannie smiled. She should have realised that they had known each other. "So
what do you think he'll do," she asked him, concerned.

"I hope he'll stick around. He needs friends around him, what with Stella and everything."

"I hope he stays as well," Frannie said before leaving to see Ray. She eventually caught up with him out in the car-park. "So you coming?"

He looked up at her, confused. "Coming where?"

"To dinner. You didn't forget did you?"

"No, but I assumed that you'd, you know, wanna go and see your brother."

"Nope. I'm buying you dinner," she told him as she climbed into his black GTO.
He drove in silence. She just gave him directions. He got out of the car and
seemed nervous even as they sat down to order their meals. She noticed that
he was still wearing his weapon. He seemed more on edge than usual.

"Ray, is there something wrong?"

"It's just that um... Well the last time I went to dinner with a woman she
ended up dead," he told her without making eye contact. She nodded; she
hadn't realised how much the small details could affect him.

"I'm sorry Ray, I didn't think."

He shook his head, trying to make her feel better. "No I'm sorry Frannie. I know I haven't been very easy to live with lately, and I am sorry. I know that you're trying so hard to help me and I'm making
you wait, but I do feel something for you. But I'd rather wait just a little while longer." He was surprised when he looked up and saw tears in her eyes. "What? What is it Frannie? Is it something I said?"

She shook her head and kissed him gently on the cheek. "No Ray. Thank you. As long as I know you have feelings for me I'll wait forever."

For the first time for many weeks, he smiled a smile that actually touched his eyes. From across the room the image of Stella smiled as she saw the man she loved finding happiness again.

Ray and Frannie spent the rest of the evening in the pleasant surroundings of the restaurant. They chat amicably throughout the meal. By ten they were both ready to leave. Ray helped Frannie to pull her coat on. As they walked out of the restaurant two teenagers came running up. One of them pulled a
knife and ordered Frannie to surrender her handbag. Ray paused for a moment, thinking too much of what had happened before. It was then that Stella appeared beside him.

"Help her Ray," she whispered urgently. That was all it took as Ray immediately shook himself out of his reverie and sprung into action. He pulled his gun.

"Chicago PD! Kiss the dirt! Kiss the dirt!" The two startled youths looked up at him before sprinting off. Ray told Frannie to wait inside and call for backup before taking off after them. At that moment it didn't even occur to him that these might be the two that had killed Stella. He just wanted to catch
them for trying to hurt Frannie.

Meanwhile at the Restaurant.

Frannie moved slowly as shock and concern settled in. She demanded that the restaurant owner called the precinct. She herself took over the receiver and asked to speak to LT Welsh. She explained the situation and he himself left straight away. Frannie flopped down into a nearby chair, and nearly had a coronary when Stella sat down next to her.

"What the...." she muttered.

"It's okay I'm dead, and you're not nuts," Stella explained. "Thank you for taking care of Ray. He needs somebody strong."

"I love him."

"Yes, and Ray loves you as well. You don't have to worry. He'll tell you himself soon enough. He'll be fine. He just needs a little bit more time."

"Thank you," Frannie said as she smiled gratefully.

Ray had chased the two youngsters into an alleyway. He didn't like the situation one bit, as there was only one of him and two of them, and this alley was full of blind corners. He moved along cautiously, and as quietly as he could. He didn't see the blow that struck him hard on the head.

Lieutenant Welsh arrived promptly and sent squads out to look for Ray. They all reported back that they couldn't find a thing.

"There's no sign of him," Welsh told Frannie. At her look of horror, his voice and manner softened. "Don't worry we'll find him. Besides, his father would kill me if anything happened to Ray."

Ray was being held in a dark, dank warehouse. He had been unconscious for about two hours. Suddenly he was blinded by bright light as one of the goons walked into the room.

"Hi little pig," he drawled "So are you the one who's missus was murdered few weeks back?" At Ray's evil look he knew he was. "Look I am sorry about that. I didn't mean to do it." As Ray's eyes widened, he realised that Ray didn't know that he had been the murderer. Ray went for him straight away. He hit him hard from behind and managed to knock him down to the floor, hard. He took his own weapon back from the thug. He fought the dizziness long enough to feel the back of his head. When he pulled his
hand back round it was covered in his own deep red blood. He leaned against a nearby wall and slid down it. He took a couple of deep breaths before continuing. He pulled himself back up and walked out of the room. He was determined to find the other killer. He eventually found him in what was at
one time the staff room of the storage warehouse. He pushed the gun against the larger man's head and he immediately turned round, ready to strike out.

"Don't think I won't do it," Ray said menacingly. The other man saw the mad look in his eyes and surrendered quietly. Ray handcuffed him to the unconscious man and went in search of a phone. When he reached a phone in one of the offices, he could barely stand. He rang the consulate and told
Fraser where he was. Fraser was alarmed by how weak Ray sounded, and he and Welsh arrived within five minutes with an ambulance in tow. Fraser went straight over to Ray. He knelt down beside his friend who was holding his head in his hands.

"Ray?"

"They're the bastards that killed Stella," he told him. Fraser held him in a firm embrace as he cried out all the pain he had been holding onto for so long, and began to let it go. Stella squeezed his shoulder
from behind.

"That's it Ray, it's time to move on," she told him. He knew she was right, so he cautiously stood up and staggered across to the squad car. It was then that Fraser noticed the blood dripping down Ray's neck from the head wound, and insisted that Ray went to the hospital.

The Next Day.

Ray had been stitched up; and although the doctor wasn't happy about it, he had gone home. When he arrived at his apartment, the shards of glass that were there the last time he had been there had been cleared away. He shook his head to get rid of the memories. He showered and changed then went to see Frannie.

He knocked on the door and she answered straight away. "Ray...?" She was horrified when she saw the bandage covering most of his head.

"Shh don't say anything." He took her face into his hands and kissed her deeply and passionately. They both felt fireworks, and when the kiss ended, Frannie looked up in shock at Ray. He that spoke first.

"I love you Frannie." She wiped a tear away from her eye and enveloped him into a deep hug. She pulled him into the house and symbolised their love for each other by sitting and talking all night, rather than
pushing for anything that the other person may not be ready for. Later that evening as Ray dozed, Stella came and sat next to him on the couch and he stirred awake.

"You've done the right thing Ray," she told him, he smiled.

"I know. Thank You Stella."

"For what," she questioned, puzzled.

"For showing me how to give away my heart again," he replied.

"That is truly my pleasure Ray. But you really wanna thank me?"

"Yeah. How?"

"Be happy and have a long and full life." She pulled him into a deep hug, knowing that he wouldn't need her for a very long time and almost crying at the prospect of never again touching the man that she truly loved. "Bye Ray." They both knew that this time it was forever.

"Bye Stella." He wiped away the tears. She gradually faded away, just as Frannie emerged from the shower. She pulled Ray into a hug, and then went to get dressed. Afterwards, they went for a walk in the park. As they walked hand in hand, Stella sat in paradise. Her love for him was so strong she knew that he could feel it. She knew that she said all that was to be said.


THE END


Well that's it! The end at last! Or is it?? I'm thinking of making it into a
series, you never know. Any feedback greatly appreciated to: -

sharron.ibbitson@mcmail.com