Warning: M/M relationship, some angst and most definately a lot of love.

This was my first Due South Slash story. Thanks to my best friend Mindy for beta reading and being my inspiration. Thank you kindly Min!

Memories

by Jessamyne Hawke

written December 28, 1998

Benton slowly woke and realized Ray wasn't lying next to him. Raising himself up on one elbow, he looked around the sparse room and noticed the form of his lover standing at the window. Benton had woken often to find him standing at the window. He quietly got off the bed, sidestepping the wolf sleeping next to the bed.

Ray didn't notice his approach, gazing intently out the frosted window. Benton moved to stand behind him, his chest just a breath away from Ray's back. He didn't want to startle Ray, and spoke in a soft voice.

"Ray."

Getting no response, Benton began to say his friend's name again when Ray finally spoke.

"Isn't it beautiful, Benny?"

Benton's brow furrowed a bit at Ray's question, then looked out the window. Fresh snow blanketed the city street and was still falling in light flurries. The only things that could be seen through them were the occasional blink of Christmas lights that adorned the buildings across the street. Benton's brow smoothed and he smiled.

"Yes, Ray. It's very beautiful."

He slid his arms around Ray's waist, and pulled him back to rest against his chest. Ray gave no resistance, leaning his head back on his lover's shoulder. Benton nuzzled Ray's neck below his ear, whispering softly.

"It reminds me of Canada, though without all the blinking lights."

Benton couldn't see it, but he was sure he'd gotten a smile out of Ray with that last statement. He expected the usual smart-Alec remark from Ray, but none came. Only a whisper he almost didn't catch.

"Even after everything, Benny. I miss them."

The tone of the whisper was so sad it made Benton's heart ache for his love. The 'them' Ray spoke of was his family. He tightened his arms around Ray, wishing he could push away the sadness that plagued his best friend and lover.

It had been an ugly scene when Ray finally told his family about them being lovers. The shock on his mother's face, his sisters shouting in denial that he couldn't be involved with a man, let alone Benton.

What hurt most was his mother's denial, telling him that this couldn't be true. It was against everything the Church believed. It was a sin and that he was going to Hell, and Benton right along with him for seducing her son into such sin.

In the end she had given Ray an ultimatum, the family or Benton.

Benton hadn't wanted Ray to give up his family, but didn't want to lose Ray. Ray didn't want to lose his family, but couldn't give up Benton. He pleaded with his mother, begged that she see that he was in love, and that should be all that mattered. Even Benton had pleaded with her to see reason. He told her that he loved Ray more than anything, but that didn't matter to her.

All his mother could see was that her son was going against everything she, and thought he, believed.

In the end, Ray chose Benton. He left his family in shock at his decision. Although the house was his, and he had the legal right, Ray never considered kicking his family out. The day after he came back to the house and moved all his things into Benton's place.

That had been over two months ago and no reconciliation was in sight. Ray had hoped maybe at Christmas they'd be more receptive, but even the Christmas spirit wasn't enough to bring the Vecchio's together.

Ray had tried repeatedly to talk with his mother, but the moment she heard his voice on the phone she hung up. His sisters were no-better, especially Frannie. Frannie had said as much that he and Ray getting together was a betrayal on both their parts. Benton could never understand that since he never showed any interest in her but brotherly concern.

Benton couldn't understand what was so wrong with him being in love with Ray. He knew some people frowned upon men being together, but he really couldn't see why. He always thought love shouldn't have any restrictions.

He gave a mental 'oh well', and hugged Ray again. Ray's only response was to lay his hands over Benton's, and continue staring off out the window.

Ray had been cold standing at the window, but immediately warmed the moment Benny's arms had encircled him. He loved the feel of Benny's body against his. It was more comforting than anything. Benny had been so great through everything.

He had woken again and couldn't go back to sleep. He had finally noticed the snow falling and went to watch it from the window.

He loved the snow, and especially the season it heralded.

Christmas.

Christmas was always a special time to him, even when his father was still alive. It was the only time his father made an effort to stay sober and be on his best behavior. A time when the whole Vecchio family rejoiced.

He remembered always tagging along behind pop when he went off to get a tree. The whole family decorating the tree on Christmas eve. How beautiful the angel stood out on the top of the tree. Arranging the Nativity scene when it was his year. The smell of baking cookies and other heavenly scents coming from Ma's kitchen.

He had to smile when he thought of the snowball fights with his sisters when they were kids. Hell, they really didn't stop having them. Only last year they all got into a free for all. Benny had been there too, and gotten more than a mouthful of snow.

Ray felt his heart ache at the thought of not being with his family this year. He never regretted choosing Benny over them. It hurt more that they could so easily shut him out of their lives. He didn't exist to them anymore. His mother's words coming back to haunt him.

"If this is the way you choose to live, Raimondo. I have no son."

Those words hurt more than any bullet. She wanted him to choose them over Benny, and he couldn't do it. He loved Benny, more than he had anyone else in his life.

Ray had never thought he'd fall in love with another man, but there Benny was. He had never felt an attraction to any man before Benny, and even then it had taken awhile to take effect. One day he was wondering how Benny could wear that red outfit all the time, then thinking the next day what he'd look like out of that red outfit.

He'd been stunned when he realized the implication of that private thought. It wasn't like he planned to fall in love with Benny. Best friends one day, lovers the next.

Ray knew it wasn't going to be easy. Homosexuality wasn't a very accepted lifestyle to live, especially when you're a cop and not to mention Catholic. He had hoped his family would have been more accepting since they knew what a good man Benny was, but even that didn't help.

He knew Benny had been in turmoil over what happened with his family. In a way Benny blamed himself for the break up. Ray made damn sure that he got it through to Benny that it was his decision.

He could have picked his family over Benny, married some nice Catholic girl and lived an easy life, but that's not what he wanted. Ray wanted Benny, no one else.

Ray sighed sadly, and felt Benny's arms tighten around him.

Benton hated seeing Ray like this and couldn't help but feel like it was all his fault. He nuzzled Ray's neck, and whispered sadly.

"I'm sorry."

Ray quickly straightened and twisted around to face Benton. Benton was caught a bit off guard, and found himself suddenly staring into the hazel eyes of his lover. He could see anger swirling in Ray's eyes. He lowered his eyes, and started to pull away but was stopped by Ray's arms sliding around him. A harsh, "Don't", followed the action.

Ray pulled Benton close, their bodies seeming to fit so perfectly. He knew what the sorry was for, and wouldn't stand for it. Benton felt strong fin gers grasp his chin, and lift his head. His blue eyes meeting hazel.

"Don't ever say that again. When you say sorry, it makes me it sound like you were sorry you ever fell in love with me."

Benton eyes' went wide in surprise at Ray's statement. He sputtered out quickly.

"No, Ray. I'm not sorry, never. Ever."

Ray placed a soft kiss on Benton's lips, then brushed another kiss to his cheek.

"Good, because it's not your fault. None of this is our fault. She told me to choose, and I did. I've never regretted it, not one damn bit."

Ray dropped his hand to pull his lover even closer, if that were possible. Benton wanted to say so much. He hated seeing Ray hurting like this, wishing he could take all the pain away. He took a deep breath before finally speaking.

"I sometimes feel that I'm not going to be enough for you, Ray. They're your family. You love them, and despite everything, I know they still love you. You should be with them on Christmas, not me."

Not able to meet his friends eyes, Benton lowered his head. It hurt to say those things. He wanted Ray with him, but Ray needed his family. He lifted his eyes again to see Ray shaking his head.

"Oh, Benny."

Ray brought a hand up to cup Benton's cheek, kissing him softly.

"You're my family now. You and that," Ray jerked his head toward the wolf laying sprawled out next to the bed, "junk food addicted wolf of yours."

"You're all the family I need."

Benton's heart fluttered. Family. He had never really been apart of a family. His whole face lit up in a smile, Ray mirroring it with own. He opened his mouth to say that he loved Ray, but his mouth was attacked by Ray's. His 'I love you' lost in their kiss. He eagerly returned the kiss, and was panting by the time Ray pulled away.

Ray's eyes moved over the face of his lover. The flush on Benton's cheek making him even more gorgeous to look upon.

Ray slid his hands from around Benton, taking up a hand, and leading his friend toward the bed. A big grin on his face.

"Let's get some sleep. Sooner we do, the sooner morning will come and we can open presents."

Benton laughed, and followed his lover to the bed. Ray slid onto the bed, pulling him down with him. Bodies stretched out, then twining together, Benton's head finally resting against Ray's chest.

He lifted his head slightly, and met Ray's eyes.

"I love You, Ray. Merry Christmas."

Ray lifted his head slightly and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

"I love You, Benny. Merry Christmas and sweet dreams."

Benton just smiled and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep. Ray listened to the soft sounds of his breathing, a hand gently stroking Benton's hair. He admired the sleeping face of his best friend and lover for a few minutes before turning to stare at the small Christmas tree sitting in the corner.

Ray watched the lights of the tree blink, and sighed inwardly. He did miss his family, but had meant what he said to Benny. He and Dief were the only family Ray had now.

He tilted his head and took a good look at the tree. He smiled as he remembered yesterday.

Benny insisting on coming and helping him pick a tree out. How the Canadian dismissed tree after tree, to the point where Ray thought they'd never get one, until Benny pronounced this tree to be the right one. Bringing it back to the apartment to set up. The smell of spruce filling the apartment.

Decorating the tree later in the evening, and ending up laughing their heads off at Dief. Who had tried to help and got caught up in the tinsel garland. Ray thought he'd never stop laughing. After they gotten Dief untangled, he'd headed off and settled on watching from safer ground.

The childlike look of wonder he saw on Benny's face the moment he had flipped the switch on the tree lights. His eyes and the lights sparkling bright. He had let Benny place the angel on the tree.

Spreading dinner out on a blanket in the middle of the floor a picnic, feeding each other lasagna and stealing kisses between bites.

Finally making love until they were both exhausted and fell asleep.

Ray turned his head back to gaze upon the sleeping face of his love, brushing a finger to his cheek.

Wonderful, sweet memories.

He thought of his family, and for once didn't feel an ache. He had years of memories with his family, but that was in the past now.

He had a new family now, and years to make new memories.

~the end~

return to the DSA Archive