Disclaimer: Not mine. Bindlestitch.

Welcome back, Ray. It's wonderful to see you again... but you must know that already, by the way I acted back at the hotel. I know I apologized already, and I do feel terrible about having blown your cover, but I can't regret that. It's been too long. I needed to see you.

Not much of a home to welcome you to, is it? You used to tease me about my old apartment, and now I'm living in my office. You ask me how long I've been here, and I tell you about the Garbo case. You open your mouth to say something, but then I see your expression change and you say something else instead, and we just start talking.

Has it really been only eight months, Benny? Seems like forever. I've changed so much... you wouldn't believe some of the things I've had to do on this assignment. Well, maybe you would. You're pure, yes, but you're not naïve.

You've changed even more, though. You're less formal than you were, and there's a bit more of an edge to you. Cynicism, I guess would be the word. The city's working its way into you... you're not quite my Benny anymore.

And you've been living in your office since the day you got back and I was gone. God, didn't anybody notice? Didn't anybody care? I would've, but I wasn't... here... oh, no, Benny, that's not it, is it? I abandoned you without any explanation, and then not a word for eight months... and now I come home and you've got this new shell and I can't get in and I don't blame you and I'm not even really back to being me yet and I really don't know if I can do this right now, Benny. I'll try and make it up to you, but... oh God, eight months can be forever.

It's incredible, Ray. Just seeing you again is such a... a healing experience. I've missed you so much, and there couldn't be a better time for you to have come back to me. I have a feeling I'm going to need all of your strength for this case. The fact that Muldoon is involved when he ought to have been dead thirty years ago is disturbing enough, but I have a, well, call it a presentiment that there is more to this than meets the eye. I'm glad you're here to help me with it, whatever it turns out to be.

You aren't quite all here, though, are you? I suppose that's only to be expected, after living so long as someone else. I'm sure you'll be back to normal in a few days. I'll just let you take whatever time you need.

I don't know quite what to make of you right now, Benny. You seem preoccupied, even more so than I'd expect from the case we're working on, but there's this glow of happiness around you like I've never seen before, and I get the feeling you're not telling me everything. Oh well... as long as you're happy I guess that's all that matters. I won't push it. It's not like I could do much for you anyway. I'm glad you've got something else.

Just having you here with me again, not having to wonder if you're still alive or will be tomorrow... not having to worry about whether or not I'll be able to see you and tell you...

Just like old times, huh, Benny? Me shot, you stuck tracking down some bastard who killed your family by yourself. You managed to forgive me last time. Do you think you can do it again?

What do you think? Can we go back? Back to being friends, I mean. Before this, I was beginning to think we might be more than that, but not now. I don't know if I can even hope for your friendship anymore.

I love you, Ray. I have been in love with you for a long time, since before you went away, and I could feel a tension between us then... no, not a tension exactly, more of... an 'air of expectation.' Flirting, I suppose would be your name for it. You were called away before that expectation was fulfilled, though, and I have passed the past eight months in wishing I'd acted earlier. You would probably yell at me if you knew and tell me not to blame myself. It doesn't matter now, though. You're here, and as soon as this case is finished and you're back to being my Ray, we can try again. I won't miss my chance this time.

You aren't alone this time, are you, Benny? You've got him, my replacement. Damn... is that it? You've been happy... and preoccupied... it must be. Why didn't I see it earlier? You're in love with him, aren't you? And I'm glad, I mean I'm happy for you. At least he's there for you when you need him, not lying here in this damn bed like I am.

You and I were meant to be together, Ray. I wish you could've been with me for this... actually I wish you could have been almost anywhere but in that hospital, recovering from yet another bullet you took for me. The only positive thing about this is that at least there I know you're safeas you said, 'it's just a flesh wound.' Anything could happen to you up here. RayStan, I meanalmost died the other night. I could never have forgiven myself if he had. He depends on me so much, almost like a child, and it's quite touching. His death, while I was supposed to be taking care of him, would have haunted me for the rest of my life. But if it had been you, Ray, I think I would have died myself.

It's better this way. I love you, Benny, and I always will, but I'd rather see you happy with someone else than try to get you back and just end up hurting you more, always letting you down.

Oh God... what if you come back to me because you think I expect it? Or because you feel sorry for me? I don't need your pity, Fraser. I can find my own life just as well as you can.

Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski? Ray'sStan'sex-wife? A bowling alley? I'm... happy for you, Ray. I had thought... I expect I was mistaken about the situation between us. Will I ever learn to recognize when someone is in love with me? Will anyone ever fall in love with me?

It was too much to expect, that you could love me. Oh well. I've had your friendship, and that in itself is a gift, Benny. I think I could really get to like Stella, though, and she seems to like me too. Don't worry about me.

I'm not coming back to Chicago, Ray. There is nothing there that I really need, and seeing you again, like this, would only complicate things. I have my memories, and you have your new life, your new love. Stan wants to have an 'adventure.' Maybe it would be best for all of us if he and I take one.

You know I'd never hold you back, Benny. I hope you know that, anyway.

I miss you more now than I did the first time I lost you, Ray. Then, I could imagine that you would come home and everything would be the way it had been before, the two of us together, or maybe we would even take that final step beyond friendship...

I've lived here in the Arctic all my life, but this is the first time I have ever felt the cold.

You know what kept me going in Vegas, Benny? Thinking of you, and coming home to you, and us being together. I even thought that maybe we'd be... you know, really together. I got out of bed every morning I was on assignment determined to make myself worthy of that.

I know that it would have been foolish, possibly dangerous, for us to have become romantically involved, but it was a risk I was willing to take. I have risked my life for lesser things.

You're up there in the frozen wasteland you love, with a guy who makes you so happy you were glowing like a lightbulb from the minute I saw you. I could never give you that, Benny. I'm glad you found it with him.

It's a relief, in a way. He's the one who has to live up to you, now.

I miss our friendship, Ray. Even if that were all it could ever be, I'd like to have that part of it back. You completed me.

Stella and I broke up, finally. It's been coming for a while. We were never really in love with each other, and I guess we just wised up and quit pretending to be anything but what we areeach other's tickets out of Chicago. Since it had been a couple of months, I called up the Consulate to see if they knew how I could get a letter to you, but they haven't heard from you either. I guess it's just not meant to happen yet, huh? I hope I run into you again someday, Benny. At least apologize for blowing it like I did.

I'll never forget you, Ray. When the time is right, I'll come back to Chicago. I have friends there now. And maybe, while I'm in the neighborhood, I'll drop by Florida.

 ~~~End~~~