Standard Disclaimer. I don't own them, but they'd make a lovely graduation present, don't you think? Please send comments, questions, compliments, and otters to sdelcul@mail.com. Revised, retitled, and rewritten for your reading pleasure. * Indicates a line from the Sentinel (Switchman). -The title means don't love me.
Josh Young, heehee. Catherine, can you imagine what Josh and Frannie would be like as a couple? Whee what a trip that would be.
"See Benny, basketball is a sport. I'll even give you that curling and hockey are too. This? This is NOT a sport. This is an excuse for color blind people to get dressed up."
"Ray, we're going to be late."
"You gotta promise you won't laugh."
"Ray-"
"Promise me, Benny."
"All right, I promise."
"That goes for Dief too." Oh dear god, I'm asking a wolf not to laugh. What has my life become?
Fraser looked down at the wolf. "Humor him, okay?"
Dief gave a loud whine.
"Will you come out now? We promised Francesca we'd . . . "
He stopped as the door opened and Ray came out.
"How come you wear these clothes and look like you and I put them on and I look like my nephews been in the crayon box?"
"You look wonderful, Ray." Ben smiled with love in his eyes.
"You're sweet. Blind, but sweet."
"Francesca needs the business for her venture, Ray. She wants to help you take care of your mother and the family. It's a commendable act, Ray.
"Thanks, Frase."
They both jumped as she unexpectedly joined their conversation. "It's your turn, Ray."
"All right already. I'm going. Wish me luck."
"Good luck, Ray."
Francesca laughed delicately. "So Benton, do they have golf up in Canada?"
"Yes actually, we do. The first golf club established in the western hemisphere was Canada's Royal Montréal Golf Club, founded in 1873. It remains a popular sport today."
"Really. Would you like to" she stepped closer and her voice dropped to a husky suggestion, "teach me to play?"
He took several steps back, looking around for Ray's help. "I, uh, I believe it's my turn." He ran.
"Sorry, Benny." His voice was muffled as he took of his bright sweater and with a small noise of disgust threw it on the floor. "Just tell her you got a girlfriend or something."
"That's not true and you know it. Besides, she'd want to know who. "
"So make somebody up. Use the Dragon Lady."
"If you'd just tell your family. Maybe it's time."
"Time to what? To break Ma's heart? Tell her that her son is, is . . . "
"What, Ray? Her son is dating another man? Her son is having sex with a man?"
"Don't say that. It's more than just sex."
"Is it?"
"Ah, Benny. You know that's not true. You mean everything to me. I'm just not ready broadcast my personal life to the entire world. You know what happens to gay cops. But I promise, I'll tell Ma, soon." He reached up and stroked Benny's face, brushing his lips with a soft kiss. "Let's not spend our time arguing," he said, pulling him closer, "We've got better things to do." He began unbuttoning Ben's shirt and laid kisses to the skin below. With a soft sigh, Fraser let himself be distracted.
Afterwards he lay on the bed, watching Ray got dressed. "Ray, why don't you stay here tonight?" He sat up and reached for Ray, pulling Ray's hands away from his tie and around himself as he embraced Ray.
Ray hugged him and ran his hands down Fraser's sides with an imperceptible sigh. "You know I can't stay. Ma'll get worried. I'll see you tomorrow"
He watched, frustrated, as Ray finished getting dressed and left without another word.
Two weeks passed without incident. They went to work, did their respective jobs, worked on cases together and spent most of their spare time together.
"Hey, Benny."
"Yes, Ray?"
"You're coming to dinner on Thursday night, right?"
"Certainly, Ray."
"Great. Maria and Tony took the kids to visit his parents for the week. House seems kinda lonely without them. See ya."
"Goodbye, Ray."
"I got something for you. A surprise."
Fraser waited expectantly.
Ray grinned. "Guess who's got a date tonight."
"Hmm. You and I?"
Ray gave him a sneaky grin. "I hinted to Josh Young from the 15th that Frannie might be free tonight."
No Francesca. That meant it would be just Mrs. Vecchio. Meaning that Ray could tell his mother and . . . and they wouldn't have to sneak around anymore. Everything he'd ever wanted was in the palm of his hand. He had the sudden urge to take Ray, on top of the Riv, in the middle of the street.
He blushed and glanced at Ray, ready to follow his lead. For several uncomfortable minutes, nobody said anything. Mrs. Vecchio started telling Ray about something that had happened to one of his cousins and the conversation moved on. He was stunned, mouth agape, as Ray ducked meeting his glance to reply to his mother and he realized that Ray wasn't going to tell her. Ray wasn't ever going to tell her.
Oxygen did not seem to be reaching his brain cells. Pushing his chair back, he stammered. "I'm sorry. I've got to go. There's, um, something I have to do. I, uh, recently acquired a plant and I must water it and yes, so thank you for dinner, Mrs. Vecchio, but I really have to go."
"Nonsense, Benton. You know all my children call me Ma." She tapped her cheek pointedly.
Blushing, he gave her a quick peck and rushed out the door, leaving Ray to make some quick excuses and run after him. Between shock at Fraser's abrupt exit, traffic, and Fraser's unrelenting pace, he beat Ray to his apartment by several minutes. Unfortunately, Fraser was not calming down; he was only becoming more upset.
"You promised, Ray. You promised me you were going to tell her." Ben was watching him with narrowed, accusing eyes.
"I can't, Fraser. I . . . "
"I don't care to spend my life hiding the truth, Ray. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not."
"No way, Fraser. I can't."
"Ray . . . "
"Are you giving me an ultimatum?"
He couldn't breathe. Ultimatum. Ray thought this was an ultimatum. Was it? Could he really walk away? Could he not?
"You don't understand." Ray said frantically. Part of him wanted to strike out and hurt Fraser for making him choose. "It's easy for you to say that. Your entire family is dead. No one cares what you do." As soon as the words were out, he regretted saying them.
There was a stunned silence and Fraser's mouth dropped open in shock.
"Oh my god. I'm sorry. I didn't mean . . . "
"Yes, you did Ray. It's obvious how you really feel."
"No, you've got it all wrong. I. . . "
"You what? Never meant to hurt me? You care about me? I don't think so. This," he gestured helplessly, "this was a game for you, wasn't it! Something to take the edge off. So you wouldn't be lonely. I thought you at least cared for me. Get out, Ray."
Ray stepped toward him, hands raised to placate and distract him.
"No. Get out."
"Benny . . . "
"You don't have that right anymore."
"Benny, you don't understand." Ray implored.
"I think I understand more than I wish."
Pushing Ray toward the door, Fraser felt something inside of him growing smaller, colder. When the door closed, he leaned on it, sliding down to sit on the floor. He wrapped his arms around his knees and shuddered. He blinked, gasping for air, but he couldn't cry. Couldn't let out whatever he was feeling, too much his father's son.
Hours later he was still slumped against the door. When the sun went down he blindly cooked some food. Dumping the whole thing in Dief's dish, he lay down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Empty, that's how he felt without Ray. I know I should feel something
now. Pain, anger, regret, something. But I don't. Ray left. He left me.
He lied to me. Ray's gone. He just walked away. I watched him leave.
He's gone. What am I supposed to do now? The words reverberated through
his mind over and over, making sleep difficult. If he could just breathe,
if he could just catch his breath, just let go, fly away, then he'd be
fine. Just fine. He needed a place to hide; Chicago held too many reminders.
Just keep moving somewhere where Ray couldn't find him.
He pictured his life without Fraser. In a few short years Fraser had come to be his entire world. Benny gave me unconditional, total love and I give him nothing. If there's any chance of him forgiving me, I have to be honest here. I hope I have the strength to tell her, otherwise I lose him.
He knocked on the door and received no answer but assumed that Fraser was either ignoring him or out for a while. When he entered and found the apartment empty, he sat down to wait. Eventually he fell asleep. Several hours later he was awake, and hungry. He opened the refrigerator to find something to eat and was shocked to find it empty. Quickly he checked the cupboards, only to find them empty as well. Terrified he checked the rest of the apartment. All of the furniture was still there but Fraser's sparse personal possessions were all missing. On the window he noticed a note. With a shaking hand and a sense of foreboding, he opened the looseleaf sheet.
Ray,
I'm sorry. I don't want to fight anymore. It's too hard. I've always become what everyone needed of me. The last thing I meant to do was to try and change who you are. I messed up with Victoria, ruined her life, and almost ruined yours as well. Now I've done it again. There's no excuse for my actions, and it's difficult for me to talk about this, but I owe you an explanation and I hope that you can understand. Ever since we met, you've been there for me. I loved you from the moment you showed up at the diner. You were my best friend. When I realized that I was in love with you, it was so deep, that it never occurred to me that you might not want that. We never made a commitment and I was wrong to assume that. I should have realized that you have obligations. Your family is the most important thing in your life and I overstepped my bounds. Not everything in your life depends on me. I only have you and Dief to worry about. I shouldn't have presumed. I gave you too many reasons for being alone. It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault. But I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I hope that someday you can forgive me and that you'll find someone that you can love. I just wish it had been me.
Fraser
He almost choked as he read the note. Shit shit shit shit. Dear god, what had he done? Benny was in such pain and he'd caused it. It killed him to know how much he had hurt his best friend. Shit
Week two. Thatcher finally told me where you were. I think I wore her out. Since you've been gone, I've had a hard time making it through the night. That's the hardest time, you know. Those nights with you were the only things keeping me going some nights. Now I try and sleep with the lights on so I'll forget what I lost. I know you don't want me to, but I'm coming after you. Please don't blame me when I come crashing back into your life. Just give me a moment please. Just one kiss and let me show you how I feel. That's all I want. Then you can be free, if that's what you really want.
He allowed himself to stop then. He'd been running from his memories for a long time. It was mentally exhausting. Now his body was as exhausted as his feelings were. He memories were still there, biting at him daily. His father's cabin contained too many memories as well, voices which spoke to him from every corner. With nowhere else to turn, he'd gone to his sister Maggie. And she, understanding his need to be alone, even as she didn't know why, put him in her spare room. He'd never been a runner before. In the more rural parts of Canada, where he'd always preferred to be stationed, survival was more important. Now he ran daily. He'd taken a three-week vacation from the RCMP to make some decisions. His second day there, she convinced him to go jogging with her and he'd taken to running anytime he began thinking too much. He wasn't an easy runner, after the first mile, the shock pained his knees and ankles.
When he opened them again, he realized that his fingers were numb. He knew how very close he'd come to letting the snow take him and it terrified him. Running flat out back to his room, he showered and changed into a clean pair of RCMP sweats before lying down, trying not to think about what had almost happened.
He lay down on the bed, and Ben shifted to avoid touching him. Ray took a deep breath, "I told her," he whispered, looking into Benny's eyes. "I told her."
Benny watched Ray enter the room. He didn't speak as Ray lay down next to him. It hurt too much to be so near to Ray and not touch him but it would hurt more to let the situation continue. He had to shield himself from being hurt again but around Ray his heart had always been unprotected and wide open. When Ray spoke the first time, he almost didn't believe it. He wanted so desperately to forgive Ray, but he didn't know if he could take the risk of getting hurt.
"I'm sorry Be-Fraser I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just I-I guess I was taking you for granted. With everyone else I have to be so careful and I always have to worry about just when they're going to hate me. I just thought that I could finally just be without having to be Ray the dutiful son or the protective brother or Ray the cop or Ray the not good enough. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you, and I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me or anything but I-oh god Benny I can't lose you too."
Fraser felt the pain behind Ray's words and it blasted through his undeniably weak defenses instantly. He pulled Ray into his arms even though it hurt to be near him.
Ray felt him begin to stiffen and pull away and he pulled himself closer, holding on as tightly as he could. "No way. I'm not letting go. This time I'm not letting you go."
"Ray, please. I can't do this again. It hurts too much. Please, just go away and leave me alone."
"No way Benny. There's something I have to ask you. I wish you would believe me but I guess I understand why you're scared to. I hope this will convince you to give me another chance." He pulled out a key. "After I told Ma, I started looking for an apartment. I want you to move in with me."
"Ray. You don't have to do this. I understand, really. I didn't think it would matter to me. I never worried about what everyone else thought of me. Most people think of me as some kind of freak. But I've always cared what you think of me, Ray. And if you're embarrassed or ashamed of me then that hurts. I'm not asking you to choose between me and your family. But I can't take this anymore. I've never been enough for anyone, not my father, not Canada, and now not you. I came to Chicago because I wasn't good enough to prevent my father's murder. I stayed because I wasn't good enough to not embarrass my country. If I'm not good enough for you now, then what reason do I have to stay there? It's not your fault. It's me."
"You're wrong Fraser. For once in your life you're wrong. It isn't you. It was never you. I'm the one who was afraid. I didn't have the guts to stand by you. I took the easy way out and I hurt you. Please, let me make it up to you." He could see it wasn't enough. "This is all about you being scared*. You're terrified that I'm gonna hurt you like she did."
"And haven't you?"
"It's not the same. I just felt like everything was going too fast." He rushed to continue, knowing Fraser was about to interrupt. "I know what you're thinking. I can see the questions forming in your eyes. You're thinking 'how is this any different?'"
"Ray, don't you realize this is just as fast?"
"No, Benny. It isn't. Time moves too fast. I realized that while I was sitting there, time was slipping away and taking you with it. I know what I want. What my heart wants. I'm not just going to let you walk away from me. I'm not watching you leave again."
"I know you mean well, Ray. Your intentions are good, they always were. But I've been here before. Too many times." He pulled away from Ray and sat on the edge of the bed, facing away. "I'm not sure I believe in love anymore. I thought that if I waited long enough, it would be there when you held me. Don't worry about me, Ray, I'll be fine." His voice changed, as if he was no longer talking to Ray but to himself. "I've been alone before. You'll see that it's time to move on, to someone who can make you happy. I need you to be happy."
"You think it'll be so easy then, don't you. You've got it all planned out, all sane and logical. I won't have to be in love with you. I won't even have to see you. We'll go back to being strangers and it'll be like this whole thing never happened. I'll lose the best thing that ever happened to me because I'm a little untrusting, and you'll stay locked up behind those walls and it'll be all my fault."
"It's not your fault. You just realized that it was time to move on before I did."
Ray was losing hope for the first time. He'd been reckless with Ben's heart and now he was seeing the consequences. He hadn't cried since he was four and he'd scraped his knee. His mother had kissed his boo-boo and made everything okay. Fighting tears, he realized he didn't have the words to change Ben's mind. He only had his actions to step back on. And they had already said too much. Suddenly exhausted, he lay down on the bed and curled into a ball.
"Ray, what's wrong?"
He shook his head, not wanting to answer, unable to answer. Feeling the bed shift as Ben lay down near him he curled up tighter. A hand touched his shoulder, pulled away, and gently returned.
"Talk to me."
"Too late."
"What's too late?"
"Me." He was cold now, shivering in the warmth of the room. Closing his eyes, he waited for the world to stop.
Hesitantly Fraser asked. "Too late for what?"
Trying to hide, Ray didn't answer.
Ben grew worried as Ray stopped responding to him. "Ray." He shook the shoulder nearest him.
"No." Ray whispered.
"Ray. Look at me, please?" A hunch told him to keep asking. "Too late for you to what?"
The answer was barely audible. "Love you."
"Awake are we?"
He trembled at the warmth in his voice, afraid he was dreaming.
"It's not a dream, Ray."
"What happened?"
"You passed out. That's what happens when you don't eat or sleep."
"I couldn't." He shrugged.
"Think you could eat now?" Ben started to stand.
Ray pulled at him. "Wait. Don't go. Please?"
"I'm just getting you something to eat. I'll be right back. I promise."
Ray let him go but green eyes followed each and every step he took away, not quite trusting that he would come back. Within thirty seconds, he had some sandwich's and fruit on a tray. Placing the tray on the night stand, he pulled Ray into his arms again. "Here, eat.
He began running a comforting hand over Ray's thigh as he managed to eat half a sandwich and an apple. Seeing that Ray couldn't eat any more, he placed the tray on the night stand again and moved down so he was spooned beside Ray.
"What changed?" Ray whispered hesitantly. "Last thing I remember, you were leaving me and nothing I could say would change your mind. You were looking for a place to hide."
"I guess in a way I was. After," He took a deep breath. "After Victoria, I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again. I wouldn't let anyone in my heart to hurt me. I was stupid and naive and I overcompensated. I became so untrusting of your motives that I missed the point."
"Which is?"
"I love you. You love me."
"How did you know?"
"You said it. Right before you passed out. You said it was too late and that you loved me."
"Are we okay?"
"We still need to talk but yes, we're okay. Why don't we sleep a little first?"
Ray's reply was overshadowed by his wide yawn.
Ben pulled Ray closer and closed his eyes. Feeling Ray's arms tighten around him, he smiled.