Northern Light
The noisy chaos of the twenty seventh precinct stationhouse seemed to
batter at his senses, as he made his way across the large room. Even
though most of the people here knew him, and greeted him in a friendly
enough manner it was enough to set his nerves on edge and Renny wondered
how on earth Fraser could bear to spend so much time here. And that
reminded him… he looked around the room, but found no sign of either
Fraser or Diefenbaker.
Ray was there, though, seated at his desk, head bent over a manilla folder,
ignoring the rowdiness as though it simply didn't exist. As he made
his way over to his lover, Renny was uncomfortably aware of the roiling
of his stomach, and the tightness in his chest that was making it difficult
to breathe. He clutched his Stetson before him like a talisman.
"Hey, Renny." Ray looked up with a big grin. "You get
off early today?"
"Ah…" He cleared his throat nervously. "Yes, Ray,
I did. Um… can we…?" He indicated the door with an inclination
of his head and smiled hopefully.
Ray's chair was pushed back as the cop rose to his feet with obvious
eagerness. "Sure. Come on."
He followed his lover to the door with some relief. The first hurdle
was over. Now, all they had to do was avoid… "Have you seen
Constable Fraser this afternoon?"
"Nope. You looking for him?" Ray turned towards the back
hallway and the route to the car park at the back of the building.
Renny started rather guiltily. "No, Ray."
Another grin was flashed in his direction, but Ray didn't pursue the
matter. Renny followed the slim figure out to the black GTO, waited
patiently for the passenger door to be unlocked, then slid inside and
placed his Stetson carefully on the dashboard.
"So?" Ray was looking at him questioningly.
"Oh! Ah, could we… I mean, perhaps we could go to the park?"
The car park was far too exposed to suit his purposes.
There were a lot of parks in Chicago, but only one that was their favourite,
Humboldt Park less than four kilometres from his apartment building.
Ray started the engine and backed the car out onto the road. They drove
in silence, but Renny could see the occasional speculative glance thrown
in his direction. Even from the twenty seventh precinct, it wasn't very
far, and in early afternoon traffic, it didn't take long to get there.
Ray parked at the quiet end of the parking lot where they could watch
people passing at a distance, and have a bit of privacy.
"You gonna tell me what's goin' on, lover?" Ray's voice startled
him out of his reverie.
He found himself staring at Ray's thin, almost delicate features as though
he'd never seen them before. "Well, I, uh… there's something…"
"Spit it out, buddy." Ray smiled, showing gentle amusment
at the awkwardness that could still overcome him at times.
This was worse than he'd expected. "Ray, I have to… I mean…"
he floundered to a halt, knowing he'd never be able to get the words
out. Instead, he fumbled with his pouch, drew out the folded piece of
paper, and passed it to Ray.
"What is it?" Obviously recognising his discomfort, Ray's
smile had disappeared. He unfolded the letter, dragged out his glasses
and put them on. A moment later the paper crumpled in his hand. "She
can't do this… the bitch! Renny, we'll…" Ray looked
up at him, "…Fraser! He'll talk to her…"
Oh dear. He hadn't anticipated this. "Ray, I requested
the transfer." He got the words out in a rush and then stopped
dead, staring at Ray's aghast face.
"You…" Ray drew in a choked breath. "You
asked…" there was a stunned silence for a moment. "No…
dammit, Renny. It can't be…"
Ray opened the car door abruptly and got out, tossing the crumpled paper
back onto his seat. Renny watched as he walked away. Afterwards, he
was never entirely sure how long Ray was gone, but by the time he returned,
Renny had somehow managed to flatten out the letter advising him of his
transfer and fold it neatly. The fact that he held it so tightly that
it was in just as bad a state as previously didn't seem to matter much
to him.
They sat in silence again, staring out at the park. Finally Ray stirred.
"So let me get this straight. You asked for a transfer to…
to some place I've never even heard of, and you didn't talk to
me about it?"
"La Ronge, Ray. It's in the north…"
"I don't care where it is! Why didn't you ask me?"
Renny shifted uneasily. "Well Ray…"
"To hell with that… why didn't you even fucking tell
me? Huh, Renny? Did you think it didn't matter? That what I thought
about it was irrelevant?" Ray's face, flushed with anger, twisted
with pain, turned towards him and Renny flinched away.
"I just thought…"
"You thought? No you fucking didn't. You didn't
think at all!" Ray choked on the words. "How could you…"
he stopped. Fixed a furious glare at Renny. "Get out. Get out
of my car, you bastard."
It didn't occur to him to object. He opened the door, forgetting his
Stetson, and stood unmoving as the GTO turned in an impossibly small
space, tyres screeching, then sped off down the road.
*
It was a long walk to Ray's apartment, but it all passed as if in a dream.
Not a pleasant dream, certainly, but that was only to be expected. He
could, he supposed, have gone to his own apartment, but he hardly spent
any time there any more, and most of his clothes were at Ray's. He'd
have to pick them up at some stage in the next two weeks, so it might
as well be sooner rather than later. Then it would be over. Ray could
forget about him, and he could prepare for his transfer.
Ray was perched on the couch, knees drawn up to his chin, when Renny
unlocked the door. He looked awful, with his face drawn and his eyes
too bright. He looked like he'd aged ten years in little more than a
couple of hours. They stared at each other across the room.
"I guess you haven't come to say you've changed your mind."
"No, Ray." He hesitated, his heart aching for his lover's
pain. "I came to get my things."
"Figures." Ray hunched his shoulder. "You know where
they are." He dropped his head back onto his knees.
It didn't take long to fill the small backpack he'd left here with his
clothes, but then he lingered, reluctant to face Ray again. He sat in
the edge of the bed, trying not to remember all the times they'd made
love in it over the last six months. He'd expected the partng to hurt,
but the reality was far worse than he'd imagined.
"You finished yet?"
He looked up to see Ray leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed
pugnaciously across his chest, his face angry and hurt.
Somehow he dragged himself to his feet. "Yes, Ray. I'm sorry…"
"Sorry!" Ray almost snarled the word. He crossed the room
in a couple of steps and grabbed hold of Renny's Sam Browne belt, pulling
him close. "You want to go! How sorry is that?"
He couldn't help himself. He reached out to touch Ray's cheek gently
for the last time, and with a soft groan, Ray dragged his head down for
a long, hungry kiss. When it ended they were clinging to each other.
"Oh God, Renny…"
"Ray…"
All the anger, all the pain melted away before their need for each other.
They tumbled onto the bed, hands pulling desperately at each other's
clothing, in a tangle of arms and legs. But it would change nothing
in the end, and they both knew it.
Afterwards they lay facing each other, too exhausted and emotionally
overwrought to speak for a long time. Ray stroked his face with gentle
fingertips, the only lover who had ever done that for him. "I love
you Renny."
He looked away, unable to meet Ray's eyes, and said nothing. It would
be easier if he simply didn't believe it. He hadn't, for months, but
finally he'd accepted the truth of those words. It hadn't helped him
to feel any less uncomfortable when Ray said them.
Ray sighed. "I know you don't like me saying it, but I can't…
I can't let you go without telling you, okay?"
"Yes, Ray." He made himself look into his lover's too bright
eyes. That was a big mistake. A moment later they were holding each
other, both trying not to cry. Both failing.
*
"Why, Renny? Why are you doing it? You don't have to go."
It had taken Ray three days to calm down enough to ask the question,
and it was the moment Renny had been dreading. "I would have to
go, sooner or later, Ray. I've been at the Consulate nearly two and
a half years. I would have been reassigned before much longer, probably
to Ottawa. That's often where consulate officers are sent. This way
I was able to apply for a position I wanted. Somewhere where I could
do real police work. I just don't belong in the city."
Ray scowled, unconvinced. "Fraser's been here over four years.
He hasn't been reassigned."
"Ray…" Renny sighed. "Fraser won't be reassigned.
Not unless he asks to be."
"Because of that stuff? Haven't they forgotten about it yet?"
Ray looked sceptical. "The guy killed his father for God's
sake. Another Mountie. Don't tell me they still hold that against Fraser?"
"The older members do, Ray, some of them. The younger ones…
well they think of him as a hero." He blushed. "But they
don't have any power."
His lover grinned faintly, distracted for a moment. "D'you think
he's a hero, Renny?"
"Ray, I… I…" he forced himself to stop his stammering
and swallowed hard. "He's the reason I transferred to Chicago."
Ray's eyes widened. "You wanted to get into his jodhpurs, didn't
you?" For the first time in three days he was close to laughter.
"No! Ray how could you… I just… well…" Renny
sighed. "Well, I suppose I hoped…"
"I'm glad you didn't." Ray's wiry arms went around him and
pulled him close. "You wouldn't have looked at me if you had."
"Ray, that's not true! After all, you and he…" he stopped
abruptly. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to know about that, but
it was too late now. Ray's face turned sombre. "Besides, perhaps
it would have been better if we hadn't…"
The strong arms tightened again, holding him fiercely. "No! Don't
say that, Renny. Don't you ever say that."
"I'm sorry, Ray." He looked into Ray's eyes, too bright again,
and felt his own emotions rising. How would he ever go through with
this? But he'd committed himself to the new position, and he couldn't
change his mind now. He wouldn't.
*
Perhaps he should have stuck to his original impulse to cut his ties
to Ray immediately, and use the remaining two weeks to adjust to being
alone again. But he couldn't do it, and neither could Ray.
He'd refused Ray's offer to accompany him to the airport, however. To
say goodbye in public would be more than he could bear. So he sat in
the back of the cab, an unusual luxury for him, and tried not to think
about that last, soul shattering kiss. Neither of them had spoken of
his returning on a visit, or of Ray visiting him, and for that he was
grateful. It would only prolong the moment when they had to admit it
was over.
He'd said his goodbyes. At the precinct, over the last two weeks, where
he'd been surprised by the genuine expressions of regret. At the Consulate,
yesterday afternoon, where his replacement was already showing signs
of being clumsier and more awkward than even he'd been in his
eagerness to impress his hero. And that was no doubt the reason Fraser
and Inspector Thatcher were so sincere in their kind words of
farewell.
That had left only Ray. Last night had become one long goodbye. They'd
had a quiet dinner at Ray's apartment. He would have like to have cooked
Ray one last romantic meal, but he knew he'd never be able to do the
occasion justice, the way he was feeling, so he'd blown his last week's
pay on a top class caterer. They'd hardly touched the food. They'd
gone to bed, but hadn't made love, or even talked much. Instead, they'd
lain awake for most of the night, in each other's arms. It was a memory
that would have to sustain him for a long time, but right now it was
too raw, and he deliberately pushed it away.
*
La Ronge was a shock. It seemed as though he'd adjusted better than
he'd realised to life in Chicago. Even Prince Albert, the nearest city,
with a population of thirty five thousand, seemed quite small. La Ronge
was tiny, a tourist resort that had never tried to grow too large. In
summer the fishermen came, and the eco-tourists, in winter it was the
turn of the snow sports enthusiasts.
Without much fuss he settled into his new home, a tiny, two bedroom house
on the outskirts of town, and into his new job. His four colleagues
seemed friendly enough, and willing to accept him on his own terms.
Besides, he was out on patrol most of the day, so they didn't see a lot
of him. And there was a lot of area to patrol, with small settlements
and isolated houses to get to know, and hundreds of kilometres of highway
to travel. He found he preferred the isolation to trying to fit in with
the other members. Fitting in wasn't something he was very accustomed
to.
The summer tourist season was just beginning, and he was kept busy rescuing
stranded or lost motorists, and even dealing with the occasional drunk
or petty thief. Once, there was a drunken fight between a couple of
tourists and a local. Ray would have laughed himself silly over his
far from arduous duties.
He wasn't going to think about Ray.
As the weeks passed he managed to get quite good at not thinking about
Ray. Perhaps he should try to find someone else. But he knew that he
wasn't ready for that yet. If it had been painful to accept the failure
of his previous relationships, that was nothing compared to what he felt
now. Love never lasted; he'd learnt that lesson well enough, but leaving
before that love died was no guarantee that his heart wouldn't be broken
either, it seemed.
Well, at least he'd learnt how to carry on, how to lose himself in work
and activity. He didn't allow himself a moment's leisure, but occupied
his time in chores of his own, or his neighbours. When the snows came,
perhaps he could learn cross country skiing, and of course, there would
be curling. Meantime the weather was unseasonably warm as the summer
drew on, seemingly endlessly, and he took advantage of it to become acquainted
with his garden. There were several elderly neighbours who were more
than willing to give him advice on how to prepare for the harsh winter
that would be arriving soon enough.
He didn't miss Chicago, he realised. Well, he'd never really fitted
in there; Fraser had done no more than tolerate him and Inspector Thatcher
had not even done that, most of the time. It was only Ray who had made
Chicago pleasurable for him. But he wasn't going to think about Ray.
So when the phone rang at six thirty one morning, he assumed it was a
local wanting to let him know about a motorist with a flat tyre or some
other such emergency. He wasn't prepared to hear Fraser's voice, or
the news he had to convey.
*
He still had the key to Ray's apartment. Somehow, he'd forgotten to
give it back when he left, and Ray had never asked for it. It had stayed
almost forgotten on his key ring for nearly three months. Now it was
coming in handy. He eased the door open and set his small backpack down
inside the door.
It had taken him all day to get here. He'd called his Staff Sergeant
immediately after Fraser's phone call and arranged for three days emergency
leave. Then it had been a matter of arranging flights... first the light
plane to Prince Albert, then another to Saskatoon. Three hours waiting
at the airport before he could get on a flight to Toronto, and find a
connecting flight to Chicago. Now it was early evening.
The apartment was silent, and untidy as usual. He smiled faintly at
that, remembering how Ray had objected to his attempts to tidy it. There
were no lights switched on, and he left it that way as he headed for
the bedroom. Ray was there, in bed, with only the tips of his spiked
hair showing above the edge of the covers. Renny let out a sigh of relief.
His mind had been playing nightmarish visions over and over in his head.
He moved quietly towards the bed, but Ray stirred and a slim arm shot
out from under the bedding with a gun in its hand. "Stay right
there, whoever you are."
"Ray, it's me." His voice was shaking.
The bedding heaved and Ray's head appeared. "Renny? Oh God...
what are you..."
But by then Renny was sitting on the edge of the bed and they were caught
up in a fierce embrace. His lips ached when they finally parted, and
Renny eased Ray back onto the bed. He switched the bedside light on
and surveyed the pale, bruised face. It was no worse, he thought, than
Fraser had told him. Certainly not as bad as his fears had led him to
believe.
He bent over to kiss Ray again, gently this time. "Fraser told
me you'd been hurt."
"I should get beaten up more often." Ray grinned, then flinched.
"You look kinda tired, buddy."
"It's been a long day. Do you need anything?" His fingers
twined unconsciously with Ray's
"I wouldn't mind some company." Ray shifted over, making his
invitation unmistakable.
Renny hesitated. After what Fraser had told him... "Are you sure,
Ray?"
"Damn right I am. Come on."
He didn't need a second invitation. It was the work of a moment to strip
off his sweater and undershirt, and peel down his jeans and shorts in
a bundle together and kick them and his shoes aside in an untidy heap.
Then he was in bed beside Ray, breathing in the scent of his sweat, and
cologne and the hospital stink of disinfectant.
Ray felt disturbingly light, insubstantial, in his arms. He pushed the
covers back a little and examined the bruises that covered far too much
of Ray's chest. They were worse on his left side, almost blocking out
the pale skin altogether. It had been a nasty beating. He took hold
of Ray's hand, rubbing his thumb lightly over the roughened red band
around his wrist. Then he pulled the covers back up.
"What happened, Ray?"
"Didn't Fraser tell ya?" Ray yawned. "Sorry, I'm on
pain killers."
Renny drew him closer still and Ray settled his head on his shoulder.
"He told me you'd been abducted, and that you were hurt."
"Mmn. A couple of psychos I put away five years ago. They came
looking for me soon as they got out." Ray was already half asleep
again. "Beat the shit out of me, and then took all my clothes and
left me to die. Lucky it's summer."
"Yes." He shivered at the thought of Ray, naked, hurt and
alone. "Is that all they did, Ray?"
"Geez, Renny. Wasn't that enough?"
He smiled at the indignation in Ray's voice. It seemed genuine, but
after what Fraser had told him, he wasn't sure. "You're certain
they didn't... didn't do anything else?"
"I dunno. Nothing I remember..." Ray's head lifted suddenly.
"What are you talking about?"
"Fraser told me..." Renny took a deep breath, trying to control
the tremor in his voice. "...he said that at the hospital they
did some tests. They found some rectal bruising and minor tearing consistent
with... with forcible penetration. Ray, did they rape you?"
The slender body in his arms began to shake. It took his mind a stunned
moment to realise that Ray was laughing. Perhaps it was shock, or hysteria...
Renny was wondering whether he ought to try to calm him, or let him get
it out when Ray choked and stopped.
"Oh geez... your face..." it seemed like Ray was going to start
laughing again, then he grew serious. "Sorry, buddy. I guess you've
been worrying about this all day. Nobody raped me, okay? It wasn't
the way you think."
He was becoming increasingly bewildered. "What was it then, Ray?"
"Uh, well..." surprisingly, Ray blushed. "The day before
they grabbed me I... uh, I bought this thing..." he hesitated.
"I guess I might as well show ya."
Ray pushed himself up on one elbow and reached across Renny's body to
the drawer beside the bed. He pulled it open and rummaged briefly before
drawing out a long flesh coloured object with an electrical lead attached
to it. Ray looked at him uncertainly. "It made me think of you."
Renny stared at the object in silent shock. It was a more than life
sized, but otherwise anatomically correct, replica of a penis. "Ray,
I'm not..."
"Pretty close, though." Ray grinned at him cheekily. "I
tried it out. It was incredible. I guess I got a bit carried away."
He dropped the vibrator on the bed beside him and lay down again. "So,
d'ya wanna tell him or shall I?"
Renny could feel the heat rising in his face. "Well, ah… I'll
discuss it with him."
"Two Canadians discussing me having sex with a household appliance."
Ray laughed shakily. "I'd pay to hear that." He snuggled
up to Renny's side and kissed his cheek. "I've missed you, Renny."
They were simple enough words, but he could hear the reality behind them,
of nearly three months of an aching emptiness that grew no less with
the passing of time. Ray obviously hadn't been any more successful in
adjusting to their separation than he had. He rolled onto his side,
pressing close against Ray's body, and kissed him gently.
He knew that Ray was too badly injured to be able to make love. In fact,
he shouldn't even be out of hospital yet. But it was enough just to
hold him, to exchange slow sweet kisses and, eventually, to feel his
cock swell and harden between them. Ray's hand slid down over his hip
to his thigh, drawing him closer still.
Ray's intentions were obvious, even though he was still quite soft.
Renny pulled back a fraction. "Ray, we can't…"
"I can't, buddy." Ray smiled lopsidedly at him. "I'm
not gonna be much good for a while. But you can…" suddenly
the smile took on a wicked edge. "You wanna try out the Appliance?"
Shock, mingled with excitement, held him speechless for a moment. He'd
never imagined doing any such thing, but… Ray grinned and reached
behind him, wincing a little, for the Appliance.
"Ah… Ray? Wouldn't we need…" he was interrupted
by a soft kiss.
"I've got condoms…" Ray kissed him again. "And lube.
And a power adaptor. And this time I'll be more careful."
They forgot about it for a while, as they kissed more purposefully.
Ray's hands slid over his chest and lovingly teased his nipples. Renny
moaned, already painfully aroused. In the last months, he'd tried to
shut down all his sexual urges and had managed quite well, considering.
Now they were back with a vengeance.
"Oh, baby, you feel so good…" Ray's hand drifted
down over his cock.
He groaned. There was little he could do to return the pleasure Ray
was giving him. His lover's body was too bruised and sore for him to
be able to caress it, and he probably wasn't capable of achieving an
erection with the combined effects of his injuries and the pain medication.
Still, he brushed his fingers over Ray's cock and found it beautifully
swollen, though nowhere near erect.
Ray shivered and whispered his approval, so Renny continued his stroking,
happy just to be touching him so intimately. Gradually Ray kissed his
way down Renny's body, sliding down the bed as he did so to avoid bending
his abused body. The first touch of Ray's lips against his cock made
his head spin with pleasure. Instinctively he thrust up against Ray's
lips, then stopped himself with an effort, afraid of jolting his lover.
"Hey, lover, take it easy. I don't want this over too fast."
Ray lifted his head to smile at him while his fingers kept up a steady
stroking. "You wanna get the other stuff?"
He reached for the drawer, knowing exactly where to find what was needed,
except for the adaptor, which wasn't hard to find.
Ray took the condoms and lube from him. "Plug it in, will ya?"
He was grinning again.
It didn't take long to get everything ready. When he turned back, Ray
was lying stretched out beside him, his position reversed. The blond
head lowered to his groin once again and Ray's tongue slid over his cock
before the soft lips engulfed him. This time Renny was able to control
his response a little better. Catching his breath, he kissed Ray's cock
and then began to caress it slowly with his tongue. The sweet musky
odour of his lover filled his senses and it didn't matter that Ray was
still barely half-erect. He sucked the thick cock into his mouth and
for a while there was only the sound of their lovemaking.
Gradually his arousal climbed, making it difficult to keep from thrusting
into Ray's mouth. His belly ached and his cock throbbed urgently.
"Mmm, lover…" Ray sighed and kissed the inside of Renny's
thigh. "You ready?"
He was beyond ready, and managed to indicate this fact to his lover.
A quiet chuckle came from the region of his groin, and he felt the first
gentle probing at his anus. The delicious sensations made his body shudder
eagerly. The Appliance slipped inside him easily, and then Ray set about
positioning it to best effect. A choked cry escaped him and Ray kissed
his cock lightly.
"I guess that's it, huh?"
He could hear the smile, and the love, in Ray's voice. "Oh, yes…
Ray, please…" Three months worth of suppressed desires rose
up to wrest control from him and only the fear of somehow hurting Ray
allowed him to retain it.
"Here goes, buddy."
The gentle vibration spread through his lower body, stimulating nerve
endings he'd never known existed before. The effect seemed to increase
with every second until he was gasping for breath and the sweat seemed
to pour out of him. Then the hard fullness inside him moved, sliding
out, then in again. His cock was being slowly sucked and his balls massaged.
It took a massive effort to remain still.
After the first intensity of it had passed, Renny took Ray's cock back
into his mouth, sucking in the same gentle rhythm that Ray was applying
to his cock. He wanted it never to end, but already the first signs
of impending climax were there. Unable to trust his own control, he
released Ray's cock, but pressed his face into Ray's less bruised left
thigh and cradled the heavy soft flesh against his cheek. He was sobbing
Ray's name over and over.
The short thrusts deepened, became fiercer, though never to the point
of discomfort, and the intensity of the vibrations seemed to increase.
As his body reeled into overload he cried out, almost in anguish, and
plunged into insensibility. The last thing he felt was Ray's presence
beside him, and then even that gradually slipped away.
*
For three months he'd dreamed about holding Ray in his arms again. Literally
dreamed; while he was awake he'd never allowed the thought to cross his
mind. Sleep was a luxury he could do without now that the dream had
become a reality; and no dream could be as sweet as this. So he lay
awake through the night and savoured every sensation.
Morning came, the sky began to lighten, and Ray still slept. Renny decided
that now would be a good time to call Fraser.
It was hard to tell which of them was more embarrassed by the information
he gave to Fraser. At least the knowledge that Ray would find it all
hysterically funny helped him get through the ordeal. Afterwards he
crept back into the bed, trying not to wake Ray.
He was partially successful. Instinctively his lover nestled closer
to him, and Renny couldn't resist the temptation to brush back a stray,
badly wilted spike of hair and to touch his lips gently to an unbruised
patch of skin. Ray stirred against him and sighed. A few minutes later
he was awake.
"Hey, Renny." In the daylight Ray's bruises looked far worse,
but he was smiling tenderly.
They exchanged a slow kiss. "Good morning, Ray. Coffee?"
Ray's eyes lit up, as he knew they would. He headed for the kitchen,
not bothering to get dressed, because he knew Ray would like that too.
*
"So, how long are ya staying?" Ray was looking more relaxed
and happier by the moment. They'd breakfasted, shared a shower and then
returned to the bed to do a little fooling around, as Ray called it.
Then Ray had slept for a while. Now he was wide awake.
Renny hesitated, but there was no easy way to say it. "I have to
be back at work on Thursday." He flinched at the hurt look in Ray's
eyes.
The blond head turned away and Ray sank down against the pillow. Renny
followed him. "Ray, I'm sorry. It was the most time I could get
at short notice."
Ray's shoulders moved in a slight shrug and he winced. "I guess
I should be grateful you came at all. You weren't going to come back,
were ya?"
"No, Ray. I thought it would be better that way." He reached
out and took Ray's hand.
There was no response, either to return his grasp or to reject it. "Are
you gonna come back some other time?"
"Oh, Ray..." it hurt so much he could hardly speak. "I
don't think that's a good idea."
Ray's head snapped around. "Dammit, Renny, I love you. You love
me. You can't pretend you don't, not after all this."
He couldn't meet Ray's eyes. "Sometimes love isn't enough, Ray."
Even now he wasn't ready to actually admit to the emotion.
"Shit... oh, shit..." Suddenly Ray was crying again. He didn't
resist when Renny pulled him into his arms.
*
Leaving the second time was no easier than the first. If anything it
was harder. Now he knew every step of the way that was leading him away
from his lover. He tried to blank out the memories and think of the
future, of La Ronge, which he'd grown to love, and of his work. But
as the plane rose into the low cloud, he found his eyes trying futilely
to pinpoint the location of Ray's apartment.
Luckily, all things considered, he arrived back into a detachment in
chaos.
"Thank God you're back!" Staff Sergeant Wilburn looked ready
to embrace him. He handed over a folder bursting at the seams with files.
"Morrison went into premature labour on Tuesday and had to be flown
to Prince Albert, and Robinson broke his leg falling off a ladder yesterday..."
he paused for breath. "There's been a spate of break-ins out towards
the lake, and there's a warning out about this man. Maurice Guillard..."
Renny took the fax sheet and looked down at a middle-aged male, heavily
built and looking like he would kill someone as soon as look at them.
The brief notes indicated he was an escaped prisoner, and extremely dangerous.
"...he's not likely to come in this direction, but just keep an
eye out for anything unusual."
"All right, Sir." He handed the sheet back. "The burglaries?"
"Not likely to be related. It looks like kid's stuff." Wilburn
sighed. "It'll be easier now you're back, but we won't have Morrison's
replacement for four more days. I've requested another member to replace
Robinson, since he's going to be out of action for six weeks, but I don't
know if we'll get one. I'm afraid it means working overtime. But at
least you've had a holiday, eh?"
Renny smiled perfunctorily. "Yes, Sir. I'd be happy to work extra
hours." He half turned away, then remembered something. "How
is Theresa? Is the baby all right?"
Wilburn smiled. "She's fine. They managed to stop the labour, but
she has to stay in bed for the next few weeks." He shrugged. "She
would have gone on maternity leave in another two weeks anyway. It's
just bad luck everything happened at once."
"Indeed. Well..." Renny gestured vaguely towards the door
with his forage cap, "I'd better get..."
Wilburn was already heading towards the fax machine, where a flurry of
beeps indicated an incoming fax. "Sure. Get on with it. Glad to
have you back again."
It was a sentiment echoed by his other rather frazzled colleagues. With
such a small staff, the loss of three members, even for such a short
time, meant a huge load on the two remaining staff. Renny had never
before felt so valued by his co-workers in any posting as he did now.
The extra burden of work meant that he had little time to think about
Ray, or to brood. As soon as he woke, he was getting ready to go to
work, and when he finished, he simply went home and went to bed, exhausted.
The arrival of Constable Corbett did little to improve things at first,
since there was a backlog of work to get through. Mostly completing
paperwork and filing, which he was particularly good at.
It was another reason for his fellow Mounties to appreciate his presence,
and Renny was encouraged by it to exchange the sort of pleasantries he
usually avoided, since he wasn't particularly proficient at using them.
Nobody seemed to notice, and that improved his confidence even further.
He was more certain than ever that he'd made the right choice. If only
he could forget Ray.
Life began to return to normal. Even without a temporary replacement
for Dave Robinson, they were managing to keep up with work with minimal
overtime. That proved to be a mixed blessing, since Renny's thoughts
were more often free to turn to Chicago. And to Ray. It was so…
so unfair. He'd almost got to the point where he could go a whole day
without thinking about Ray, and then he'd been catapulted right back
to square one.
*
"Constable! Over here!" It was one of his neighbours, Mr
Smithson, limping eagerly towards him as he arrived home one evening,
just as the sky was beginning to darken.
He suppressed a sigh, knowing that Mr Smithson was likely to have a chore
for him to do. One he couldn't do for himself because of his arthritis.
"Hello, Sir. It's been a lovely day hasn't it?"
"Oh, that." The old man was clearly excited. Probably not
a chore then. Perhaps his grand-daughter had had her first baby. Though
surely it was too early. "You've got a visitor. I took him in,
since I guessed you'd be late again."
Renny felt his eyebrows shoot up. Who on earth would be visiting him?
Surely not a local, or Mr Smithson would know him. Nothing could have
prepared him for the truth. He stopped dead, just inside the door, as
Ray rose from the couch with a grin.
Mr Smithson was beaming at them both. "Guess you didn't expect
your friend from Chicago, did you Constable?"
"No." Renny managed to pull himself together then had to stop
himself from dragging Ray into his arms and kissing him soundly. "This
is a surprise, Ray."
"Yeah, well I had some time owing me, so I thought I'd come see
what it's like up here." Ray turned to the old man. "I heard
so many good things about it, you know?"
"Of course." Mr Smithson beamed again. "It's a great
place to live. Better than all that smog and noise, eh?"
Ray was staring at him and Renny found he couldn't look away. Or speak.
A silence fell on them, and he realised if he didn't get them out of
here soon, they'd be offered tea and cookies, and wouldn't be free in
under an hour. "Well, we'd better..."
Too late. "Can I get you boys a cup of tea?" The old man
was already heading for the kitchen.
Ray flashed him another grin. "Sure that'd be great."
"Ray..." Renny leaned towards his lover. "We should..."
"Can't upset the neighbours, Renny." Ray's grin widened.
"How's things?"
He was being teased. Renny repressed a sigh. "It's been busy.
It's... it's good to see you Ray." He took a good long look at
his lover. The bruises had faded now and were barely visible. It was
hard to believe that it was only... he calculated rapidly… only
ten days, since he'd last seen Ray. Ten days of believing he'd never
see Ray again. He took a step forward and then forced himself to stop.
"Why did you come here, Ray?"
The grin disappeared. "I wanted to see you." Ray shrugged
a bony shoulder. "I wanted to see what was so great about this
place."
The comment hurt, and he had the feeling it was meant to. But before
he could respond his neighbour was bustling out of the kitchen.
"Take a seat boys. You don't have to wait to be asked." He
made a shooing motion with his hands. "I've got the tea brewing.
The Constable will tell you I don't like those nasty tea bags. It's
real tea, made in a teapot. I'll just get you some cookies. Just a
few, you won't want to spoil your dinner now, do you?"
They both smiled as the old man chuckled, but Renny was aware of a restlessness
that was growing more pronounced by the moment. He desperately wanted
to find out why Ray was here, and how long he'd be staying. It only
got worse when he reluctantly took his seat next to Ray. It wasn't a
large couch, and his thigh was touching Ray's, sending tiny shivers through
the muscles. The intensity of his own emotions frightened him.
Somehow he managed to respond to Mr Smithson's comments and questions,
aware that Ray was enjoying his discomfort far more that he was enjoying
the tea, which he'd never liked. By the time Ray had extricated them
both from the old man's hospitality, he was almost sick with nervousness.
They walked across the lawn to his house in silence. Ray had brought
no more than a small suitcase, so he probably didn't intend to stay very
long. A part of him, hurt and frightened, wished Ray hadn't come at
all. Another part of him was overjoyed just to see his lover again.
He unlocked the door and led Ray into his tiny lounge. "The guest
bedroom is…" he turned to face Ray and immediately forgot what
he was about to say.
He pulled the smaller man into his arms and kissed him with a hunger
born of forty-five minutes of uncertainty and ten days of suppressed
desire. Not surprisingly, it was returned with enthusiasm. Together
they stumbled towards his bedroom. He must have been leading, since
Ray had no idea where it was, but Renny wasn't conscious of it. All
he was aware of was Ray's hands tearing open his uniform shirt, pulling
his undershirt out of his pants, and the edge of the bed behind his knees
as they tumbled over onto it.
Ray was on him like a maniac, kissing and nipping and touching him with
hands made rough by desperation. It would leave marks on his chest,
but he didn't care; he wanted to wear Ray's marks as a reminder
of this moment once Ray was gone. When the hands reached for his pants,
simply shoving his gun belt out of the way, his only response was an
irrepressible upwards thrust of his hips.
His pants and shorts were torn open with the same disregard for the cloth's
integrity, and his cock was released into Ray's eager grasp. He moaned,
thrusting up again, too aroused to be able to think clearly. Fierce
hot kisses rained down on his belly and cock in random swoops. He never
knew where the next one was going to be placed. Then Ray paused and
he focused his eyes on the thin, beautiful face, and watched transfixed
as Ray's mouth descended over his cock.
A ragged sob escaped him as Ray sucked and licked gently now, though
his breath was coming fast and his hands were shaking. They slid inside
his shorts, pushing them down off his hips just enough to clear the tops
of his thighs. Once again he arched up, uncontrollably, and called out
Ray's name.
All activity ceased for a moment. Ray dropped his head to rest against
Renny's belly, gasping. "Oh shit... oh God..."
Ray pulled away, turning to sit on the edge of the bed and strip off
his shoes, pants and shorts, then he was back, straddling Renny's thighs.
His cock jutted out from under the loose shirt-tails, flushed and wet.
Ready.
"No, Ray... I haven't got any..." incredibly he couldn't bring
himself to say the words. He stared up at Ray helplessly.
He was ignored. Ray positioned himself over Renny's erection. "We
don't need condoms. Do we?" His stare challenged Renny
to deny what they both knew. There hadn't been anybody else, for either
of them, in over a year.
"No." He looked away. It had been Ray's suggestion that they
stop using condoms that had resulted in his panicked decision to seek
another posting. Ironic really.
Without another word Ray slid down onto his cock and Renny gasped. How
could he have lived for three months without this? Ray's eyes were half
closed, distracted, and Renny took the chance to search his face. There
was just the faintest hint of the awful bruising that had been there
when he'd been in Chicago. Ray had lost weight, and he'd been too thin
to start with. The fine lines around his mouth were more clearly defined
than they had been.
Then Ray's eyes snapped open and he began to move, rising along Renny's
cock and then back in swift, sharp thrusts. Renny groaned helplessly,
catching his lover's urgency once again. He slid his hands under Ray's
sweater and pushed it up exposing too prominent ribs and the concave
planes of his belly. Against that background, his cock seemed impossibly
full, jutting proudly at a high angle, jerking wildly with his movements.
With an effort, Renny pushed himself up into a sitting position, one
hand firmly grasping Ray's cock, the other sliding over his chest. His
lips tugged roughly at the tip of a pebbled nipple.
"Oh yeah…" Ray's hands clasped his head firmly,
drawing it closer to his chest.
Already he was close to the end. Ray's movements became wilder, jerkier,
and Renny tightened his grip, pumping the thick cock fiercely. He felt
it twitch, then pulse heavily. A moment later the hot rush of semen
splattered his chest, as Ray's internal muscles tightened around him,
setting him off in his turn.
They clung to each other, swaying with exhaustion. Finally he lifted
his head to see Ray grinning at him. "So, you missed me, buddy?"
*
It was like stepping back in time to wake next to Ray, and hear him give
that soft "oh, God, it's morning" groan. Renny smiled and
went off to the kitchen to start the coffee brewing. By the time he'd
showered, dressed and delivered the coffee to Ray in bed, it was nearly
time for him to go to work. And he still didn't know how long Ray was
staying.
He allowed Ray to take a couple of sips before clearing his throat with
a return of his nervousness. Ray glanced up at him with a smile. "Yeah?"
"Uh, Ray… I won't be able to take time off work. Not so soon…"
he stared with helpless longing at Ray's sleepy face, and his wildly
disordered hair. He hadn't realised just how badly he'd missed those
little things. "Are you going to… I mean..."
"Don't worry about me, buddy. I can take care of myself."
Ray grinned, deliberately misunderstanding him, he thought.
Renny took a deep breath and blurted out the one question he desperately
wanted the answer to. "How long are you staying, Ray?"
"I got a month." Ray's face took on a look of complete innocence.
"Somehow Welsh got this idea that something happened to me when
those guys grabbed me that I wasn't telling him about. He decided I
needed time off. So I got him to add on all that leave I got owing,
and here I am."
"That's… that's wonderful, Ray." He felt almost breathless
with happiness. "I'd like to show you around. This is such a lovely
town."
"Yeah, well you'd better get to work." Ray grinned. "Don't
wanna lose yer job, huh?"
"What will you do, Ray?"
"Oh, I thought I'd take it easy, you know, maybe look around the
metropolis. Do some souvenir shopping. Wanna meet for lunch?"
"I'd love to, Ray, but I'm going north today, out to Missinipe.
I'll be away all day." He hesitated. "I could ask my Staff
Sergeant if you could come with me if you like. Not today, of course."
"You mean like Fraser did with me? Sure. I can help you arrest
litter bugs. They can be dangerous bastards."
He refused to rise to the bait. "Thank you, Ray. I would appreciate
your assistance."
*
It had long ceased to amaze him how quickly word spread in these rural
areas. By the end of the day everybody seemed to know about Ray's arrival.
They'd received several invitations to dinner from some of his more elderly
acquaintances, and several hopeful looking younger women had expressed
an interest in meeting his "American friend". Even Ray had
been approached on the street by people who knew the new constable and
wanted to offer hospitality. It was, after all, the slow season, and
now there were few tourists and fewer distractions for the townsfolk.
"Just as well I'm coming on patrol with you today, huh Renny?"
Ray grinned at him as he drove to the detachment's headquarters next
morning. "They sure like you."
Renny flushed with pleasure. "Everybody's been very kind, Ray."
"You really like it here." Ray shot him a quick glance. "You
think you'll stay?"
"Yes, Ray." He pressed his lips tightly together, not willing
to discuss it any further, but Ray didn't pursue it.
The visitor was an immediate hit with his fellow Mounties. They all,
with the exception of Staff Sergeant Wilburn, seemed overawed by Ray's
aura of edgy unpredictability, and charmed with his friendly manner.
Wilburn, alone, quite obviously saw through it, but then Ray treated
him as though he was his own superior, and the older man eyed Ray with
some respect.
They didn't stay long, taking just enough time to introduce Ray and to
check for any special requirements before they got on the road. As they
were about to leave, Corbett came hurrying over. "There's been
another sighting, Turnbull. Over by English Bay. Can you call in there?"
She passed over a slip of paper.
"Sighting?" Ray was suddenly interested. "What? A yeti,
or somethin'?"
"No, Ray. There's a dangerous criminal on the loose, though it's
unlikely he's come in this direction." In fact, this was the fourth
reported sighting this week, and would no doubt prove to be as reliable
as all the rest. "Over here." He led Ray to the noticeboard
and indicated the information sheet on Guillard.
Ray whistled softly. "Wow. Sounds like real bad news."
"He is. But as I said, he's not likely to come here." They
left the building and headed for his car. "Still, he's unpredictable,
and there've been no confirmed sightings of him anywhere else. I don't
suppose you brought your gun?"
"Nope. I thought you'd have a fit if I did." Ray flashed
a smile at him.
"I would have had to arrest you, Ray." He said it deadpan,
then continued before Ray had a chance to tease him. "Nonetheless,
it might have been a good idea. If you should see him, don't
approach him, please. He'd kill you without a second thought."
Ray grinned. "I'll come running to ya for protection."
"Please be sure you do." He was surprised, himself, by the
seriousness in his voice.
*
The seatbelt slipped home with a smooth snick, and Ray grinned at him.
"Here we go on another wild adventure."
Renny smiled. This was Ray's third trip with him since he'd been in
La Ronge, and all of them had been, as expected, routine. Ray had been
welcomed as only a stranger can be in a time of little entertainment
opportunity, but otherwise it was simply a matter of showing the uniform
and taking note of any problems in outlying areas. The spate of break-ins
at the time of his return had been traced to a gang of youths from well-to-do
families looking for excitement and nothing much had happened since.
"So what's on the agenda today?"
"Not a lot." He started the engine, threw it into gear and
headed out of the parking lot. "Mrs Wendell has seen another alien
landing, and I have to check in on Mr Boyle. He didn't come in to pick
up his stores on Tuesday."
"You're doing grocery runs now?" Ray's voice was incredulous.
"What next? Pizza delivery?"
He couldn't help laughing. Ray was here with him and they still had
nearly three weeks left. How could he not be happy? "No Ray.
Mr Boyle always comes to buy his stores on Tuesday, or if he can't,
on Wednesday. But he didn't come in yesterday either. He's elderly,
alone, and in a very isolated place. He may be sick or hurt."
"Okay, I get it. I guess there's a lot of that out here."
"Yes, Ray." Renny waved to an acquaintance as he passed, driving
in the opposite direction. "People are spread out along all the
major roads. And everybody looks out for each other. We have to, simply
to survive."
He was aware that Ray had turned slightly in his seat to examine him.
"Ya know, Renny, this place really suits you. Maybe you made the
right decision."
The admission took him by surprise, and though pleased, he still felt
a stab of pain. Was Ray finally beginning to let go of him? Selfishly,
he felt a wash of regret and tried to suppress it. "Thank you,
Ray."
Ray shrugged and turned away again.
It was nearly an hour before they reached the turn off to the Boyle property,
and another half-hour down a narrow gravel road to the house itself.
They parked on the driveway in full view of a house that had seen better
days, but there was no sign of life. Renny climbed out of the car and
stretched, as Ray did the same.
"Mr Boyle? It's Constable Turnbull, RCMP." A loud knock on
the front door brought no response. He peered in the windows on either
side and saw nothing but empty rooms. "Ray, I'll go around the
back. Call me if anything comes over the radio transmitter."
The land was covered in low scrub with no garden to speak of, just a
narrow grass strip circling the house. Lacking the verandah that was
at the front, the side windows were too high for him to be able to see
into. He'd just got to the back door and was trying it when Ray's voice
called out.
"Hey! Hey Turnbull! C'm'ere, will ya?"
Renny froze, his heart pounding suddenly. Except when they were in public
Ray had never called him that since they'd become lovers. He slipped
his gun free of the holster and released the safety catch. He pitched
his voice to carry. "What is it Ray?"
"C'm'ere. I think I've found something."
He ran, continuing around the house instead of returning the way he'd
come. His footsteps were soundless on the grass. He stopped just short
of the corner of the house and peered around it cautiously. Ray was
standing in the firm grasp of a shorter, bulkily built man. Grey haired.
They shifted a little and Renny caught sight of the man's face. Maurice
Guillard; and he was holding a gun to Ray's temple.
Eyes closed, Renny leaned against the wall, waiting for his hands to
stop shaking. He wouldn't have long before Guillard became suspicious.
For Ray's sake he had to act swiftly, even though the slightest mistake
could be fatal. With one last deep breath he stepped around the corner,
his gun aimed unerringly at the two figures. They were far too close
together for him to shoot, but he might have no more than a fraction
of a second to respond.
"Maurice Guillard, you are under arrest. Please throw down your
weapon."
The older man laughed. "You moron, I'm holding a gun to your friend's
head. You throw down your gun and maybe I won't shoot the both
of you."
"That's not possible." His voice sounded surprisingly calm.
"Release Ray now."
"And why should I do that, eh?" Guillard's finger tightened
on the trigger.
Renny's eyes met Ray's for a split second, then returned to his captor.
"Because Ray is my lover and if you harm him, I'll kill you."
His unorthodox admission had the effect he'd hoped for. A moment's distraction
on Guillard's part was more than enough for Ray. His elbow shoved hard
into the solid belly and he wrenched himself free, falling out of the
way. The first bullet hit Guillard high in his right shoulder, knocking
him off balance as his finger belatedly squeezed the trigger. The second
took him in the chest, just left of centre.
There was an eerie silence. Renny lowered his weapon and walked over
to the downed man. Guillard's gun was lying just a few centimetres from
his hand and he kicked it away. Ray was kneeling beside him feeling
for a pulse. "Looks like he's dead."
"Yes." He'd known it from the moment he'd tightened his finger
on the trigger for the second time. He knelt at the other side of the
body and confirmed Ray's diagnosis. Everything seemed very distant and
slow.
"You okay, buddy?" Ray was watching him with concern in his
eyes.
Renny nodded. "I'm fine, Ray. I'd better go look for Mr Boyle's
body."
"You think he's dead?"
"I'm sure of it, Ray. Guillard never took prisoners and never left
witnesses." He shivered, thinking of Ray in that man's grasp.
"Stay here. He may have accomplices, though it's unlikely. If
anyone comes, use his gun."
"Okay." Ray touched his arm gently and nodded towards the
car. "You want me to call this in?"
He'd forgotten all about that. "Please."
*
Boyle's body had been left where it fell when Guillard shot him. Renny
covered it with a blanket and returned to Ray, who was sitting sideways
in the front seat of the squad car. "Any trouble?"
"Nothing." Ray shook his head with a tiny crooked smile.
"I forgot to say thanks."
"You don't have to." He ought to hug Ray, or say something,
but that cold, distant place inside him wouldn't allow it. And he thought
he probably needed that place or he wouldn't be able to do the things
he had to do. "Have you called back to La Ronge?"
"They're on their way. Renny…"
He didn't want Ray's concern. Not now. "I found a dog bowl in
the kitchen, Ray. I'd better look…"
"Okay." Ray gave him a quick hug. "I'll wait here."
He nodded and went off to look for the dog. That took considerably longer,
but he found it, finally, on the edge of the bush. Like its owner, the
dog was elderly and had been shot, once. Not fatally though. It had
probably dragged itself here, though there was no sign of blood. There'd
been rain over this area on Monday evening, and Boyle had been dead for
at least two days he thought. He found a shovel in a dilapidated outhouse
and buried it.
By the time he'd finished, Staff Sergeant Wilburn and Corporal Shingwauk
had arrived. From there it was strictly routine. A report to make.
Photos to be taken of the scene. The bodies to be removed. And then,
at last, he could begin the long drive back to La Ronge, with Ray silent
in the passenger seat beside him.
As they walked up the path to the house, Ray's arm settled around his
shoulder. "How about we get take-out and have an early night?"
Some of the tightness in his chest eased a little. "That would
be nice, Ray."
Ray's hand gripped his shoulder gently. "Pizza? I'm paying."
He smiled. "Thank you, Ray."
It was pleasant to have Ray fuss over him a little, just like the days
when he'd been in hospital before they'd become lovers. At Ray's insistence
he took a long hot shower and dressed again in his RCMP issue sweat pants
and sweatshirt. Then he sat down in front of the television and watched
a program on Canada Geese while Ray showered in turn. By then the pizza
had arrived, along with a six pack of beer.
Ray was wearing another pair of his sweat pants and sweatshirt, far too
large for his slender frame, but he looked delightful in them. Like
a small boy wearing hand-me-downs. They settled on the couch to eat
the pizza and watch television.
"Here, get this inside you." Ray handed him a beer.
He turned a reproachful gaze on his lover. "Ray you know I don't
drink."
"It's Canadian. I got it specially." Ray stared at him hopefully,
then sighed. "Look, I just figured you could use a little something,
okay? Think of it as medicinal. God knows it tastes bad enough."
"Well… all right." He sipped the fizzy brew cautiously,
but it wasn't bad. In fact it was quite palatable. All the same, he
refused a second can, since he'd begun to feel a little light-headed.
As soon as the documentary finished, Ray stood, tossing aside the empty
pizza boxes. "Come on, let's go to bed."
They curled up together, as they always did, but this time, after a few
gentle kisses Ray reached over to turn off the light. Renny didn't object.
He wasn't really in the mood for making love anyway. He lay in the darkness,
his head on Ray's shoulder, and tried to will himself to sleep. Even
with the assistance of Ray's hand stroking his back, it was an impossible
task.
His mind, with nothing left to distract it, insisted on replaying, again
and again, that endless moment when Ray had torn free of Guillard's grasp
and dropped. He felt each individual muscle contraction as his finger
tightened on the trigger. He heard the crash of the shots, smelt the
cordite, felt the recoil of the gun and the way his body instinctively
compensated for it as he fired the second bullet. It had all happened
so fast that Guillard was dead before Ray had hit the ground.
"You ever killed a man before, Renny?"
The quiet voice startled him and it was a moment before he could reply.
"No, Ray. Never."
Ray's arm tightened around him. "You did the right thing, buddy."
"I know. He would have killed both of us, and then gone on to kill
others." It was an easy excuse, and it happened to be absolutely
true. It still didn't help him feel any better.
"It's all right to feel this way." Ray's other arm came around
him and lips brushed lightly against his temple. "It's like…
like losing your virginity. It's like you've… I dunno, lost something
that you can never get back. Which, with virginity, is usually a good
thing. But it changes you. I wish I could stop that happening for you,
but I can't."
How would it happen, he wondered… and would Ray still love him when
it was over? He kept silent, his chest aching with the pain of holding
everything inside him.
Ray's fingers stroked his hair. "It's okay, baby. I can take it.
You can trust me."
He shivered. It turned into a series of convulsive tremors that he couldn't
control. The shudders became sobs and he turned his face into the protection
of Ray's bony shoulder and clung to him with desperate fingers.
*
Renny inspected his lathered face in the mirror. He couldn't see
any difference, except that his eyes showed the inevitable results of
crying, and too little sleep. Perhaps it was too soon, perhaps it took
time for the changes to reach the surface. He held out his right hand,
fingers straight, palm down and decided it was steady enough. He set
about shaving, thankful he didn't use an old fashioned cut throat razor
like Fraser's.
Ray came into the bathroom just as he was finishing and slid his arms
around him from behind. "How yer doing, buddy?"
He smiled as Ray planted a kiss on the nape of his neck. "I'm fine,
Ray, thanks to you." It wasn't entirely true, but life had to go
on, and he was due at work in thirty minutes. He wiped away the last
traces of shaving soap and turned, still in Ray's arms, to kiss him.
"The coffee's ready in the kitchen."
"Why don't you stay home today, Renny. Wilburn won't mind, I'll
bet." Ray returned the kiss lingeringly, hoping no doubt to seduce
him from his duty. The thought lifted his spirits still further.
"I have to go." Renny freed himself from Ray's embrace and
stepped away.
Ray sighed. "Well, just take it easy. Don't think about it too
much, okay? You'll learn to deal with it, but it takes time."
"All right, Ray." He kissed his lover again. "Don't
worry about me."
The drive to detachment headquarters wasn't a particularly long one,
even though he lived on the outskirts of town. Not long enough, really.
He parked in his usual spot, took a deep breath and walked in the main
door. He'd wondered how his colleagues would view him now, but the one
thing he wasn't prepared for was to be welcomed as a hero by them. It
was, he was surprised to find, rather embarrassing.
"Turnbull, my office please." Staff Sergeant Wilburn's voice
cut through the congratulations and questions of the other Mounties.
He followed the older man through the doorway.
"Sir." Renny drew himself up to attention before the desk
and fixed his eyes on the wall above Wilburn's head.
"No need for formality Renfield. Take a seat." His superior's
voice was genial.
He would rather have stood, but he took the chair obediently.
There was a moment's silence as Wilburn shuffled through some papers.
"I've heard from Ottawa, and divisional headquarters. They send
their commendations to you. There's likely to be something official
in that direction." He looked up and smiled. "You did well,
Renfield. Guillard was a dangerous man."
"Thank you, Sir." He couldn't help blushing a little, but
he wished this interview could end. Quickly.
"There'll be an inquiry, of course, but I don't think you need to
worry about that. With Guillard's reputation, and a hostage situation,
you really had no choice. Prince Albert division is sending a team.
Arriving Monday." Wilburn directed a searching look at him. "How
are you coping? You've never shot a man before, have you?"
"No, Sir." Renny shifted uncomfortably. But I'm fine, Sir,
thank you."
"Well, I daresay Detective Kowalski's been able to help you out
there." He smiled. "Chicago being like it is, I guess he's
had some experience in that area. You're not rostered to work this weekend,
are you?"
The change of subject took him by surprise, especially coming after Wilburn's
remarks about Ray. "No Sir."
"Well, I just need you to sign off this report, and then you can
take the rest of the day off. Take your friend sightseeing, or something."
Renny stared at him, heat rising in his face, as he wondered what Wilburn
knew, or guessed, about his relationship with Ray. "Sir, I'd rather
work. Carry on as normal, I mean. I'm fine, really."
"Take the day off, Constable, that's an order." Wilburn leaned
forward. "It's no reflection on you, believe me. Quite the opposite,
in fact. If killing a man didn't affect you, you wouldn't be
the kind of officer I want here. This town doesn't need heroes, or
gun happy lunatics who'd shoot a man at the drop of a hat. Leave that
to the Americans, eh? Your friend excepted, of course."
"Oh! I… I didn't quite think of it that way, Sir." Another
weight seemed to lift off his shoulders. "I'll, uh… well,
thank you, Sir."
"You're welcome, Renfield." Wilburn half rose and stretched
his hand out across the desk.
Renny stood, taking it for a dismissal, and shook the Staff Sergeant's
hand. "Thank you, Sir."
He'd just reached the door when Wilburn spoke again. "Does Detective
Kowalski like to fish?"
"Well, um…" He half turned. "I don't know, Sir."
"I just had this thought." Wilburn was searching in his drawer.
"I've got a fishing hut. Lakeside, just on the edge of the national
park. Great spot. You might like to take him up there this weekend,
since I won't be using it. Good way to relax, fishing." He held
up a key, then tossed it across the room. "Take it. Even if he
doesn't fish, you can go for walks, laze around. It'll do you good.
Get away from everybody. There's bound to be a lot of talk. This is
the biggest think to happen here in the last thirty years."
He hadn't thought of that. "Thank you, Sir. I'll do that."
All he wanted now was to get back to Ray as quickly as possible.
*
They made it up to Staff Sergeant Wilburn's fishing hut by mid afternoon,
and it was as beautiful an area as they could possibly have hoped for.
Even Ray was impressed by the grandeur of the trees, the prettiness of
the clearing the hut was built in, and the lake, stretching out endlessly
to the horizon. They'd only brought the bare necessities at Renny's
insistence, so it didn't take long to unpack the car and then they went
for a brief stroll.
The facilities were basic; Ray grumbled at the lack of an indoor toilet,
but they had all they really needed, and after a filling meal of beans,
frankfurters and bacon, they settled for an early night, sleeping tightly
entwined, since there was only a single bed. Next morning, as Renny
prepared the coffee, he realised that he was happier than he'd been in
a long time.
"Wake up, Ray." He waited out the usual grumbling and offered
Ray his coffee. "I'll get breakfast started. Bacon and eggs?"
"Whatever." Ray took a sip of the coffee and scratched his
head. "Toast? Orange juice?"
"Of course, Ray. Can you set the table, please?"
"Sure. As soon as I've been to the john." Ray swung his legs
over the edge of the bed and flinched as his bare feet touched the bare
floor. "Don't they have central heating either?"
Renny sighed. Ray was joking of course. At least he hoped so.
Luckily it was a beautiful day. He insisted on taking Ray for another
walk and in the afternoon they rowed the small dinghy out onto the lake
and tried their hand at fishing. Once again, Ray was inclined to mock,
but a lucky catch by him after only twenty minutes put paid to that.
Afterwards, he was inclined to think fishing was a great idea; of course
it helped that Renny managed not to catch anything. A second catch by
Ray confirmed the impression and they rowed back to the small jetty with
an aura of achievement hanging over them.
Gutting and scaling the fish might have reversed Ray's opinion of fishing,
so Renny quickly volunteered his rather shaky expertise and then fried
them for dinner. All in all, a successful day. They played cards until
the light faded.
"Would you like to go for a walk, Ray?" He looked hopefully
at his lover.
Ray hesitated. "Isn't it getting kinda late? Is it safe?"
"There aren't any muggers, Ray." Renny smiled to show he was
joking.
It didn't impress Ray. "Oh, hardy har har. What about polar bears,
or grizzlies?"
"Well, that's rather unlikely, Ray." Renny sighed with deliberate
emphasis. "I was hoping to show you something. Of course
it might not happen, so perhaps…"
"A surprise?" Ray sat up straight. "What?"
"Let's just wait and see. I can't guarantee it'll happen, but…"
he looked at Ray hopefully.
Now it was Ray's turn to sigh. "Okay, okay… is it far?"
"No. Not at all." He stood and gathered up a blanket. "Just
in case it gets cold, Ray."
Ray scowled. "It's already cold."
They walked along the lakeside away from the hut to where the trees didn't
grow and there was a good view of the sky.
"Here?" Ray stared at him incredulously.
"Yes, Ray." He spread out the blanket, and patted the ground
beside him invitingly.
Ray sat. "What is it, the Loch Ness monster? Yer not gonna tell
me you got one of them, 'coz I gotta tell ya, I don't believe in that
stuff."
"Nothing like that, Ray, I promise." Renny lay back on the
blanket and stared up at the sky. After a moment, Ray did likewise.
"So when's it happening, whatever it is?"
Ray's head turned towards him and Renny rolled onto his side. "Well,
as I said, Ray. I can't guarantee it will happen at all. Perhaps we
could entertain ourselves."
That brought a grin to Ray's face. "Sounds good to me, buddy.
C'm'ere."
The day had been a long one, out in the fresh air, and they were both
feeling the effects of it; which might have been why, twenty minutes
later, they were still lazily kissing when Renny caught a bright flash
in the corner of his eye. "Ray, look!"
"Huh? What is it?" Ray was still distracted.
"The Aurora Borealis, Ray. The Northern Lights. Look."
They both lay on their backs watching for a while as the vividly beautiful
display lit up the sky. But Renny was more interested in watching Ray's
reaction. He rolled onto his side and watched his lover's upturned face.
Ray flashed a glance in his direction and then returned his gaze to the
sky.
He'd hoped that this would happen, now that the skies were dark enough
at night to make the aurora visible, but the forecasts had been uniformly
negative for the last week. It was worth the wait, though, to be able
to watch the display in such a romantic setting. He moved closer to
Ray and began to stroke his chest through the borrowed flannel shirt
Ray was wearing.
Ray turned his head and smiled at him as he began to unbutton the shirt.
Underneath was bare skin, and he caressed it lovingly.
"Watch the sky, Ray." He nibbled an ear lobe gently, kissed
the sensitive skin beneath it. His fingers found Ray's nipple and rolled
it between his fingertips.
Ray grinned. "Easy for you to say." But he turned his attention
back to the aurora.
The warm skin felt like satin and he was vividly aware of the fluttering
pulse against his lips, and the stronger beat of Ray's heart beneath
his hand. Apart from Ray's occasional sighs the only sounds were the
rustling of the trees and the skittering of small animals in the distance
as Renny's hands roamed over every intimately familiar inch of Ray's
body.
When he couldn't bear to wait any longer Renny slid the shirt off Ray's
shoulders. The scent and taste of Ray's skin flooded all his senses
in a heated rush and he let out a long sigh of pleasure. He kissed the
prominent collar bone and ran his tongue lightly over the moist skin,
savouring the salty taste. Ray shivered.
"You're not too cold, are you Ray?"
A breathless laugh answered him. "Cold? Me? Do that again."
"This?" He brushed his tongue over the collar bone. "Or
this?" He sucked lingeringly on a tight, pointed nipple. When
he raised his head, Ray was staring at him. "Look up, Ray. Look
at the Lights."
"Sub atomic particles. That's what Fraser said." Ray laughed
again, but he obeyed.
"Fraser is not at all romantic, Ray." He couldn't keep the
disapproval out of his voice. Then the penny dropped. "Oh, of
course. You've seen it before, with Fraser." He felt a painful
sense of disappointment.
"Not like this." Ray made a sound that was something between
a laugh and a groan. "Goddam, that's good. Oh yeah…"
Submitting to the urge that had been building for what seemed like forever,
Renny rolled on top of Ray, then shifted to straddle his legs. He kissed
the soft skin beneath Ray's left nipple, drawing a sharp gasp from him
and a quick surge of the slender body. Ray's hands cradled his head
as he sucked slowly.
He could almost feel the magic building in the air. When he lifted his
head to look at Ray, it was like seeing a creature from mythology. Starlight
leached the colour from his lover's body; he was a delicately beautiful
etching in black and white, with just a hint of the reflected colours
of the aurora highlighting his paleness.
"Oh… beautiful…" Ray whispered the words.
Renny felt his heart swell with pleasure. "It is, isn't it, Ray?"
"Not the Lights. You." Ray smiled up at him, with tender
amusement on his face.
"Oh, Ray…" The thought of waiting even a moment longer
had become unbearable. His hands found the waist of Ray's jeans and
began to unfasten them. He had to tear his eyes away from Ray's face
so he could follow the descending zipper with his lips, tracing Ray's
cloth covered erection.
Once again, Ray's body surged beneath him, and Renny made quick work
of pulling down the jeans and shorts together, until they stuck, on Ray's
boots. It was almost beyond his ability to reason; to figure out what
to do next. Somehow he managed it, kneeling between Ray's legs, and
turned back to find Ray sprawling naked on the blanket, arms flung wide,
a creature of light and shadows that took his breath away.
In desperate haste, Renny pulled off his shirt and shoved his jeans and
boxers down to his knees. The cool air sent a shudder through him, bringing
him back to his senses. He knew exactly how he wanted to do this…
had dreamed of it night after night. He took Ray's left foot into his
hands and kissed the sensitive arch, caressed it with his tongue as Ray
moaned. Slowly, he made his way up the captive leg, pausing to lick
the crease behind Ray's knee, ignoring Ray's breathless protests. As
his lips moved higher, he slowed even further, to prolong Ray's pleasure,
and his own.
Finally Renny's tongue dipped into the fold between thigh and body.
The soft brush of Ray's cock lifting against his cheek made him smile,
but then he drew back and took Ray's right foot in his hand, to begin
the whole process again. Ray let out a strangled groan, and his cock
jerked in protest, falling back against his belly with a quiet slap.
This time, it was impossible to be quite so dedicated in his approach.
His eagerness made him skimp here and there; not that Ray was complaining…
quite the contrary. When Renny finally allowed himself to kiss the tight
balls, drawn high against Ray's body, there was a sob of relief from
above his head.
His fingers brushed lightly over the velvet surface of Ray's cock, then
the slick, satiny cockhead, hotter by far than the night cooled surface
of his body. The moisture gathered on his fingertips, combined with
his own would be sufficient lubricant, he knew. Ray was silent, watching
him, as he moved closer, lifting the slender legs to rest on his shoulders.
His cock bumped impatiently against Ray's body, and he was forced to
take a deep breath to steady himself. And then it was simply a matter
of guiding his cock to just the right position and easing slowly forward.
Inside, Ray was all heat and tightness, holding him in a sure grip.
Renny pressed in to the full depth of his cock, leaning forward against
the backs of Ray's thighs, until their bodies formed an almost complete
circle. He supported himself with one hand and stroked the stretched
muscles of Ray's back and thigh with the other until they relaxed a little.
All the while, their eyes remained locked together.
With the same slow care, Renny moved his hips smoothly back until only
the tip of his cock remained inside Ray's body. In again, and a tiny
sigh escaped him. Ray grinned faintly.
"Watch the sky, Ray." That, too, was part of the plan.
Ray's eyes lifted obediently to the sky behind his head. Ray could be
so stubborn at times, but not tonight… and that, too, brought him
pleasure, to know that Ray would set aside his own desires to accommodate
his lover's whims. He moved in silence, the slow glide of his cock never
varying as pressure slowly built in his groin and spread to his belly.
He was sweating in spite of the coolness, but he had no desire to hurry.
After a while his hand fumbled blindly, finding Ray's cock and pumping
it in time to his own movements. A low growl escaped Ray, and his fingers
clenched in the blanket, but otherwise he was silent. Unusually so,
for a man who seemed to believe that the more noise he made, the better
it was.
He lowered his head to kiss his lover, and Ray's legs slid down off his
shoulders to rest on his biceps as Ray curled up to allow him closer.
He looked at Ray's face, seeing the Lights reflected in his eyes. Eyes
which, he suddenly knew, saw only him. Something inside him tore loose,
sending pain and joy in equal measure bubbling through his veins, and
he had to stop for a moment to prevent himself from losing control completely.
"Renny?" Ray's arms cradled his head.
He began to move again, with the same deliberation, but now he could
feel the warning signals, both in himself and in Ray. He kissed Ray
again. "Oh, Ray, I love you."
He slid deep into Ray's body, holding himself there, and felt a slow
tremor building, building, until his whole body was shaking with the
force of it. Ray arched his back with a soft cry and his cock pulsed,
spreading heat between their bodies. It sent soft contractions through
his internal muscles too, overwhelming Renny's control. Overwhelming
his senses.
Ray was stroking his back, his hair; and Ray's lips were warm against
his brow. With an effort, Renny raised his head slightly. He felt like
every bone in his body had been removed.
"So was that hard to say, buddy?" Ray's voice was full of
tenderness.
He shivered. The cool air was making itself felt now with a vengeance.
"Yes, it was, actually."
"I'm sorry, love…" Ray's arms tightened around him.
Soon they were both shivering, and in spite of his reluctance, he had
to withdraw from Ray's body. In silence they dressed, picked up the
blanket and walked back to the hut. Once inside, Renny went to the stove
to add more wood and bank it for the night. He turned to find Ray watching
him anxiously.
"It's all right, Ray. I'm not upset. I'm just… I don't know
how to say it."
Ray wrapped his arms around him. "It's okay. Let's go to bed,
huh? We can talk in the morning."
They undressed and got into the narrow bed and Ray turned out the lamp.
The darkness made it easier to relax, to allow his emotions to ebb to
a level he could cope with. Once again, Ray was uncharacteristically
patient with him and he lay contentedly for a while, his arms around
Ray's waist, listening to his steady heartbeat.
"Ray?"
"Yeah?" Ray's voice was remarkably subdued.
It was a struggle to find the right words. "This… what happened
tonight… what I said… it doesn't change anything."
"You mean saying ya love me?" Ray shifted against him, his
arms tightening. "I would've thought it did. What does
it take to change things, Renny?"
"I don't know, Ray." He felt an all too familiar sense of
hopelessness. "Perhaps… perhaps it's not possible to change."
"Of course it is!" Ray's voice was angry. "What's wrong
with you, Renny?"
He gasped at the unexpected pain and tried to move away, but Ray wouldn't
let him go. "I don't know, Ray. But I know that love doesn't last.
I know that everybody who has ever loved me has stopped loving me."
"Is that what this is about? You think I'll stop loving you?"
Ray's arms loosened a little but held him, still. "Renny, those
other guys… you haven't told me much about them, but I don't think
any of them loved you. I'm not like that. You know I
love you. Do ya know how long I loved Stella? If she hadn't left me,
I'd still be with her. I'm the original Mr Faithful."
Renny shook his head. "Everybody, Ray. I know the others
didn't love me. Or at least I found out pretty quickly. But it wasn't
only my lovers." He paused, reluctant to continue, but he owed
Ray an explanation. "Ray, my earliest memory is of the day before
my fourth birthday. I knew there was going to be a party, and presents,
and I wanted to see what my present was going to be. So I dragged a
chair into my parent's bedroom, and used it to reach the shelf in the
closet. But it was still too high, and when I tried to lift the box
down I dropped it. It knocked over a vase and smashed it."
"I bet your parents were pissed at you." Ray's voice was light,
but with a tinge of wariness.
"My father was furious. He made me get in the car with him and
take my present back to the store. I had to tell the clerk why it was
being returned. Then he made me go with him to all the people who were
invited to my party and tell them why the party was cancelled. On the
way home, he told me that I'd always been a disappointment to him."
"Renny…" Ray kissed his cheek gently. "Your father's
a jerk now. He was a jerk then. It wasn't you. You were just a baby."
"Ray, you don't understand." He sat up, unable to bear the
feeling of being close to another person. "My sister is ten
years older than me. My parents badly wanted a son. They tried for
so long to conceive me. They must have loved me once. But not
for long."
"So ya think that you've got some kind of jinx that makes people
stop loving you?" Ray's voice was serious now.
He shrugged helplessly. "I don't know, Ray. I don't know whether
it's something I do, or whether it's fate. I only know that it happens."
"Well it's not gonna happen tonight." Gentle hands drew him
back down and pulled the covers over them both. "We can talk some
more in the morning."
*
It was hard to remember, the next morning, that nothing had really changed.
It felt as though everything had changed. Renny lay in Ray's
arms simply because there was nowhere else in the narrow bed he could
fit, and listened to the gentle snoring… more like heavy breathing,
really, and Ray would heatedly deny that he snored… and thought
about how nothing had changed.
Except that it had.
Except that he still lived here, in the north of Saskatchewan, and Ray
lived in Chicago, and they would be lucky to see each other more than
once or twice a year, for a few weeks. No relationship could survive
that.
But then the snores… no, heavy breathing… turned into a faint
mutter, and he pushed himself up onto his elbow to watch Ray wake. It
was always a struggle. First the sigh, then the flutter of pale lashes
against sleep flushed cheeks. The slackened lips tightened then relaxed
again. Another mutter. Ray's eyes opened, silvery grey in the grey
morning light. It really was far too early for Ray to be awake.
Finally, Ray registered his presence and a smile leapt unsummoned to
Renny's face. "Good morning, Ray. I love you."
The words came out without him intending it, and there it was again.
That joy, intense enough to take his breath away, to squeeze its ruthless
hands around his heart tight enough to stifle its beating. And he'd
suffer it all to see the light in Ray's eyes as he smiled.
Ray's hand slid around the back of his neck and drew him down for a long
kiss, and when it ended he didn't see any need to move away. Before
long their legs were entangled and they were moving against each other
as their bodies awoke to pleasure. Suddenly it seemed too restricting
to make love in this cramped bed. What he was feeling was far too big
to be contained here. Acting on impulse, Renny rolled over Ray's body
and landed in an awkward crouch on the floor.
"Hey!" Ray sat up abruptly, the covers falling around his
hips.
"Come swimming with me, Ray." He stretched out his hand as
he straightened to his full height. It wasn't the only part of his body
that was reaching out to Ray, he noticed, and Ray's eyes instinctively
dropped.
They lifted again, to his face and a tiny smile hovered around Ray's
mouth. "Are ya crazy? Ya know I don't swim good."
"It isn't deep, Ray, and I'll be with you." He looked at Ray
pleadingly and saw his hesitation. Rather than argue the point, he turned
and strode to the door, certain… almost certain, that Ray would
follow.
The air outside was distinctly chilly, even though the sky was cloudy
this morning. It was clear that the long summer was finally drawing
to a close. Renny ignored that, and the certain knowledge that the lake
water was going to be extremely cold, and ran. It wasn't far to the
lakeside, but he headed for the small jetty. When he reached the end
of it, he jumped, tucking his knees up against his chest.
It really wasn't very deep. By the time his head was underwater his
feet had touched the lake's bed. He pushed himself back and up into
a weightless glide along the surface. A glance towards the hut revealed
Ray running towards him, his cock bobbing enticingly. He stood, just
in time, as Ray ran down the jetty and simply kept going when he came
to the end. Ray's weight hit him full on and he wrapped his arms around
his lover as they tipped backwards into the water.
Predictably, Ray came up yelling…. and was silenced effectively
with a kiss. Unfortunately the cold had made Renny a little breathless
and the kiss didn't last nearly long enough.
"Geez, Renny, it's freezing! Are you mad?"
He kissed Ray again. "It's not that cold, Ray. Come with me."
He pulled Ray into his arms and sank back into the water.
"Hey, what are ya doing?" There was a hint of panic in Ray's
voice and Renny drew him closer then rolled him onto his back.
Together they floated lazily towards the shore. It was only a few metres
before his feet began to graze the lake's bed once again. He stood,
drawing Ray with him. The water was little more than knee deep for him,
mid-thigh for Ray. "See. That was fun, wasn't it, Ray?"
"Fun? I'm freezing my nuts off!" Ray glared at him indignantly.
"Look at me!"
Renny inspected the rather shrivelled looking genitals critically. "I
think they'll recover, with a little help." He sank to his knees
and sucked Ray's cock into his mouth. It only took a moment before the
soft flesh began to stir against his tongue and swell into fullness.
"Renny!" Ray's fingers dug into his shoulders and the slender
body swayed towards him.
He lifted his hands to Ray's hips, to steady him and then began to stroke
his buttocks encouragingly. Perhaps it was the exhilarating effects
of the cold water, or their interrupted foreplay, but Ray's erection
swelled rapidly, and he began to thrust enthusiastically between Renny's
lips. Within a few minutes hot slippery fluid erupted into his mouth
and he swallowed instinctively.
Ray stepped back and pulled him to his feet. There was only a slight
breeze, but he was in danger of becoming chilled. Until Ray wrapped
his arms around him, flinching at the touch of cold skin.
"Looks like I'm not the only one to need warming up, buddy."
Ray grinned. "Only I'm not going to get in that ice water again."
He allowed Ray to back him towards the jetty. It was only a few centimetres
above water level and when they reached it he pulled himself up to sit
on the edge, trying not to shiver. With another wicked grin, Ray lowered
his head and began to kiss his cock, stiff with cold rather than arousal.
But not for long… like Ray's had been, his reaction was immediate
and intense.
Renny leaned back, taking his weight on his arms and closed his eyes,
concentrating on the sweet warmth that was stealing through his veins.
He resisted the urge to thrust and waited. The warmth fled back, pooling
in his belly, flowing almost in slow motion up through his cock and into
Ray's body. He lay back on the jetty and stared up at the sky, his chest
heaving as though he'd run a marathon.
A soft thump heralded Ray's arrival on the jetty beside him, and Renny
managed to roll his head to the side to meet his lover's gaze.
Ray's eyes were twinkling. Quite definitely twinkling. "So. Now
that we've had breakfast, whaddaya wanna do?"
*
There was a pleasing warmth at his back, where Ray pressed against him,
and a greater heat inside where Ray's slowly softening cock still filled
him. Renny blinked sleepily. It had taken him a long time to get used
to Ray making love to him like this, and even now the pleasure of being
held in Ray's arms afterwards didn't entirely offset the discomfort that
came from unpleasant memories.
Ray's lips brushed against his shoulder and then a quiet sigh released
additional warmth over his skin. They'd returned to bed when it had
started raining shortly after breakfast and had stayed there ever since.
Now it was early afternoon and before long, they'd have to get out of
bed to pack up and return to La Ronge. But not for a little longer…
"Mmm… you awake?" The soft brush of lips against his
shoulder sent a tiny shiver of pleasure through him. "You okay?"
"Yes, Ray." He stroked the wiry forearm that was wrapped around
his chest. "That was wonderful." Although he was speaking
nothing but the truth, he didn't sound at all convincing.
The gentle nuzzling at the base of his neck stopped. "You don't
have to do this, ya know. I like it, but I can live without it."
"It's not… I do like it, Ray. It's just that afterwards…"
he didn't want to continue, but suddenly it seemed essential that he
tell Ray the truth. His heart began to beat harder, faster, as though
he was running. If Ray couldn't accept it, he didn't know if he could
bear the pain. "I remember things I'd rather forget."
"Someone hurt ya, didn't they?" Ray was lying perfectly still
now, so still he hardly seemed to be breathing. His voice was hushed,
soothing.
Renny smiled sadly. If only it was that easy. "No, Ray. Not…
not hurt, exactly." He sighed, thinking back to the time he'd rather
avoid. "It was after Guy… quite a long time after. I didn't
want to fall in love again. I was too afraid of being hurt… but…
I needed… needed sex." His voice dropped on the last word,
as though he was ashamed. He supposed he was, not of the sex, so much
as he was of admitting to a weakness.
Ray's arms tightened slightly. "Go on, lover." He already
knew about Guy, and that there'd been someone else afterward, but Renny
had never told him anything more than that.
"I met John. It wasn't his real name, of course. I always knew
that. I was stationed about fifty kilometres outside Calgary, so it
was easy to go into the city to meet him. He had an apartment there,
but it wasn't where he lived. He shared it with some other men. He
liked… he only wanted to do the fucking, or for me to suck him,
not the other way round, but I didn't care. And he liked…"
Renny drew his breath in sharply. He hadn't expected it to be so terribly
difficult to say the words.
Ray didn't say a word and eventually Renny managed to continue. "He
liked to tie me up. Sometimes he'd blindfold me too."
A sudden movement made him flinch. Ray's cock slid free of his body
and Ray's hand grasped his arm and tried to turn him. He resisted and
after a moment was released. "Renny, look at me."
"No. Please, Ray. I can't tell you this if I can see your face."
He turned his head into the pillow for a moment, until Ray eased back
down behind him.
"Did he rape you?" Ray's voice was quietly intense.
He shook his head. "No. He always asked, and I always said yes.
He was… experienced, Ray. We had a safe word, took all the necessary
precautions." He felt like he'd been beaten with cudgels. And
this was the easy part… "After a while, he wanted…
other things. Other men. I agreed to it."
Ray's fingers dug into his arm, but he didn't protest. "What are
ya talking about here, Renny? What other men? What did he make you
do?"
"I would come to the apartment to meet John. After he'd blindfolded
me and tied me up, he'd bring in another man. I never saw who they were."
In the absence of any response from Ray, he forced himself to continue.
"Sometimes John would just watch, or the other man would. Sometimes
they'd both have sex with me." The memories were flooding back
now, making it difficult to think. "Then, one night, he wanted….
there were five of them…"
A choking sound from behind him almost made him lose control. Renny
bit his lip hard, using the small pain to clear his head. "They
were all… touching me. Someone was on top of me, someone else was…
was in my mouth. It went on and on… they changed places… until
I couldn't…" he drew his breath in on a ragged sob. "I
panicked, Ray. I didn't know who was doing what to me. I almost didn't
know who I was… I forgot the safe word."
"What happened?" Ray's voice was more controlled than he'd
ever heard it.
"John… John realised, after a while. He stopped it, but he
was… angry. He made them all leave and then he drove me home."
He shivered, remembering the tense silence of that trip. "I knew
I wouldn't see him again. A few months later I applied for a transfer.
To Chicago."
The silence seemed to stretch on forever. "Does it disgust you,
Ray? That I did those things?" He rolled onto his back, needing
to see the answer in Ray's face.
Ray shifted too, pushing himself up onto one elbow and looking down at
him. The expression on his face was one of sadness, he thought. They
stared at each other in silence and Renny found himself noticing things…
like the tiny smile lines around the corners of his mouth and radiating
out from his eyes.
Finally Ray's eyes met his. "He didn't make you do any of
it?"
Renny swallowed and shook his head slowly from side to side. "No,
Ray. I chose to let him do it."
"Why?" It was an almost inaudible whisper.
That was the question he'd asked himself over and over. "I don't
know."
All the sorrows in the world seemed to shadow Ray's face. Renny watched
as his forefinger came up to trace a line along his cheekbone. His touch
was so intimate and so familiar that Renny thought his heart would burst
from the pressure that was building inside him. Then Ray dipped his
head and their lips closed gently together in a brief kiss.
Ray lifted his head to stare down at him again. "Thank you."
"Ray?" His vision blurred suddenly and Renny had to blink
rapidly to clear it.
His lover smiled shakily. "Thank you for trusting me enough to
tell me." His lips parted as they drew closer and this time the
kiss seemed to go on forever.
Finally they parted, but only long enough for Ray to sink down, laying
his head on Renny's chest. His fingers slid down to rub absently along
the scar tissue left by Partello's bullets, something he tended to do
when he was troubled. Renny twined his fingers with Ray's and held the
restless hand still. There was more they needed to say to each other,
a lot more… but he was exhausted and Ray was hardly in any better
state. They could talk later.
*
Ray came with him to work Monday morning. It was surprisingly unsettling
to walk in there, knowing that today his actions would be under intense
scrutiny, that his job was at risk, even though Staff Sergeant Wilburn
seemed unconcerned about the outcome of the inquiry. Today, at least,
his arrival was more muted. His colleagues smiled in welcome, said hello
to both him and Ray, and then went back to their work.
"Ah, Turnbull." Wilburn came out of his office with a sheaf
of papers. "The investigating team is arriving on the ten a.m.
flight. They'll be going out to view the scene first, so you and Detective
Kowalski won't be needed until this afternoon."
Ray grinned at him. "Okay, I'll be around, sir. You wanna meet
for lunch, buddy? I got some things to do."
Things to do? Renny looked at him questioningly, but Ray was already
halfway to the door. He settled down behind his desk and got started
on a heap of paperwork. Until he'd been cleared by the shooting inquiry
team, he'd be on desk duty. It was going to be a long day, with only
the prospect of lunch with Ray to brighten it for him.
He didn't see the two member inquiry team until mid afternoon. Ray had
accompanied him back to the office to be available to answer their questions,
but they hadn't even arrived back from the scene. So Ray hung around,
cheerfully flirting with Constable Corbett and watching what was going
on. Finally, just before three p.m., they arrived.
It was more difficult than he'd expected to relate the events of that
day. It had only been four days but many of the details had already
become hazy. What stood out clearly were his emotions; his fear for
Ray and the sick realisation that he'd killed a man. He just hoped that
it wasn't too obvious. Then he was questioned thoroughly over the details,
but, it seemed to him, not in a hostile way.
Ray spent nearly half an hour with the team, and came out looking as
casual and relaxed as when he'd gone in. "Okay, we're done."
The Staff Sergeant had already told him to take the rest of the day off,
not that there was much of it left by now. The team's interim report
would be released tomorrow. The official one wouldn't be available for
a week or more.
"I'll just finish this report, Ray." It didn't take him long,
then he filed it away. As he walked away from his desk he felt a sense
of relief. It was over now. Nothing he could do would change the situation.
Once they were out in the parking lot, Ray's hand came up to rest on
his shoulder. To anyone watching it would seem like a gesture of simple
friendship, but it warmed Renny's heart. "I think yer gonna be
okay. Let's go home, eh?"
Renny smiled at the unexpected Canadianism. "Ray, I think you've
been here too long. You're starting to talk like us."
"Yeah?" Ray grinned. "You getting sick of me? Want
me to leave?"
"No, Ray." He felt his stomach lurch at the thought of Ray
leaving. He'd been here almost two weeks now... the time was passing
too quickly.
*
Back at the house, they were both quiet. Ray helped him prepare dinner,
just a simple pasta dish since neither of them were in the mood for anything
fancy. Then they settled on the couch to watch a few shows before going
to bed early.
Ray rolled into his arms and they kissed slowly, not ready to take it
any further for the moment. The thought that Ray's visit was almost
half over was a depressing one, and coupled with the inevitable reaction
to the events of the last few days, Renny doubted that he could
make love tonight. Ray was equally subdued.
A flicker of brightness in the darkening window caught Renny's attention.
"Ray. Look. The aurora."
"Yeah? Cool." Ray rolled over to look out the window and
Renny wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled the soft fine hair.
It wasn't as dramatic as it had been two nights ago. But it was pretty
enough, and they watched in contented silence.
"You wanna go out and make love on the lawn?" Ray nudged him
gently with his elbow.
He nibbled Ray's ear delicately. "It's a tempting offer, but think
the neighbours might object, Ray."
They lay watching the display through the bedroom window and once again,
Renny's thoughts turned to the all too near future when Ray would be
leaving. Combined with his already despondent mood, it was almost enough
to make him burst into tears.
When the aurora faded into darkness, Renny sighed, his arms tightening
unconsciously. "I wish you didn't have to leave, Ray."
Ray's body tensed slightly and he immediately regretted his selfish words.
But before he could apologise Ray turned in his arms to face him. "Do
ya, Renny? Really?" The pale blue eyes searched his face.
"Yes, I do, Ray."
Ray stroked his cheek. "I don't wanna leave either."
*
The investigation was over. Renny was declared to have acted correctly,
and indeed, congratulated on handling a dangerous situation in an exemplary
manner. He was simply relieved that nobody, hopefully not even Ray,
knew how terrified he'd been; not for himself, but for Ray. Staff Sergeant
Wilburn told him he'd be staying on desk duty.
Uncharacteristically, he protested. "Sir, really, I'd prefer to…"
"No, Constable." Wilburn held up a commanding hand. "It's
no reflection on your ability. It's time Constable Corbett got to know
the area a little better. She'll take over your duty. I would have
made the change sooner or later. This is simply an opportune moment,
considering she's been doing it for the last few days."
"Oh." He bowed to the inevitable. "I understand, Sir.
Thank you."
Once again, Renny was unreasonably depressed by the turn of events.
Normally it wouldn't have mattered, but the change to desk duty meant
no more days spent driving through the rather lovely countryside with
Ray beside him. Now, every moment they could spend together would be
even more precious. They could meet for lunch, and spend the weekends
and evenings together, but all Renny could think about was the hours
they'd lost.
He told Ray the bad news over lunch.
"Yeah, that's a bummer. Guess it can't be helped." It seemed
to Renny that Ray was taking this news awfully calmly. Perhaps he just
didn't want to make Renny feel any worse. "Lissen, can I get you
to take me somewhere after work tonight?"
There was only one answer he wanted to give, but he refrained from telling
Ray he'd take him to the ends of the earth, if requested. He forced
a smile. "Of course Ray. Where do you want to go?"
"It's a store…" Ray looked at him a little strangely.
"Bob's Fishing and Snowmobile Hire. You heard of it?"
"Everybody knows Bob's, Ray. It's practically an institution here."
He studied Ray's face. The American was looking more unsettled now than
he had before going in to his interview. "Are you really interested
in fishing? We could hire a dinghy and some rods if you like."
Ray shrugged. "I just wanna go look at it."
Bob's store was on the outskirts, on the opposite side of town from where
Renny lived. It had been operating for more than thirty years and everybody
in town knew it. But when they pulled up outside the store, shortly
after five thirty, there was no sign of any customers.
"Pretty quiet, ain't it?" Ray's head turned, trying to take
in everything at once. "Wonder if he makes much money?"
"It's between seasons Ray. I believe the store is very busy in
the summer and winter seasons."
The store was deserted, except for an older man behind the counter.
Ray strolled over. "I guess you're the American." The man's
voice was genial enough.
Renny saw Ray grin. "Yeah. I guess you're Bob."
"Naw. I bought Bob out twenny five year ago. Kept the name."
He came out from behind the counter. "Name's Ron Samotis."
"Ray Kowalski. Good to meet ya." They shook hands, much to
Renny's surprise. "This is Renny Turnbull. Friend of mine. He
lives here."
"Heard of you. Shot that guy who killed old man Boyle, right?"
Ron offered his hand. "Good work, that was."
"Tha… thank you, Sir." He blushed and took the proffered
hand.
"Guess you'd like to have a look around? Go right ahead."
Samotis disappeared behind the counter again. "Call me if you want
anythin'."
"Sure." Ray took off down one narrow aisle and began examining
the contents of the cluttered shelves. The store was inadequately lit
and overcrowded, but nobody would deny that it had a comprehensive stock
list.
Renny watched in some puzzlement. "Ray, why…"
"Shh!" Ray waved a hand to silence him. They examined another
aisle. Then the back wall where some of the larger pieces of equipment
were hung. The store had everything that a tourist interested in hunting,
fishing, camping, curling, hockey or canoeing could possibly want.
They returned to the counter empty handed and Renny wondered what it
was that Ray wanted here that he hadn't been able to find.
"Great place." Ray grinned. "So you got snowmobiles
too? Where?"
Samotis jerked his head to the side of the store. "Workshop and
showroom's round the back. With the dinghies and canoes I hire out.
Outboards too. Care to have a look?"
"Yeah. Yer not too busy, are ya?" Ray glanced around the
still deserted store.
"Not now. Damn busy in summer and winter, though." Samotis
hooked a set of keys off the wall behind him. "Come on."
They followed him through a door almost hidden by an array of tents and
into a dingy echoing space. Samotis grunted. "Damn light switch.
Twenny five years and I still can't ever find it."
With a sharp click, the room burst into glaring light. Unlike the shop,
this room had plenty of space, and five gleaming snowmobiles on a display
platform on the right side of the building. A counter separated the room,
and behind it was a long work bench and a flight of stairs. Ray immediately
headed in that direction.
Soon he and Samotis were deep in a discussion of the workings of a partly
dismantled engine sitting on the bench. Renny wandered around, admiring
the snowmobiles and looking at some photos of the area adorning the walls.
"Took them photos myself." Samotis spoke from just behind
him. "Good times. I'm gonna miss this place."
"You're leaving? Selling up?" He looked beyond Samotis to
Ray, still happily examining the engine.
"Yep. The kids are all in Saskatoon. And the grandkids. Nothing
to keep me here now the Missus is gone." Samotis sighed. "Still,
I'm gonna miss it. Been here forty years."
"It's a lovely place, Mr Samotis." Two and two were starting
to add up in his brain, but he still couldn't quite believe the total
they were coming to.
"Call me Ron." He jerked his head back towards Ray. "Think
the American could make a go of it here?" He sounded doubtful.
"Ray's… um… extremely resourceful." Renny thought
fast. "And he has had some wilderness experience, in the
Territories. He doesn't know a lot about game fishing, though he's very
good with mechanical things."
"Huh. Might do, then." He turned as Ray came towards them.
"So you like it, young fella?"
Ray shrugged casually. "Bit run down. The store, I mean. Workshop's
okay."
Samotis grinned. "You won't beat me down on the price, I know what
it's worth. But I'll throw in a month's work. You bein' new here an'
all. Get you started right. Show you the ropes."
"Appreciate it." Ray smiled. "I'll need yer accounts.
I gotta do my homework if I'm gonna get a loan."
"Don' worry about that, Ray. Bank manager's my cousin's son-in-law.
He'll see you right." Samotis clapped an arm around Ray's shoulder.
"That's all upstairs. You might as well come up. There's a couple
rooms. You could maybe live in them. Never did myself, but we had three
kids."
They followed him up the open stairs and into a shabby hallway. Two
doors opened off each side. One held an office, and Samotis picked up
a couple of notebooks from it and led them to the front where a pair
of large windows overlooked the lake. The room held nothing but a table,
and a kitchen counter with an electric jug and a small hotplate that
had seen better days.
"Want some tea?" He gestured to the table. "Take a seat."
Renny sat and watched Ray, who was studiously avoiding meeting his eyes.
A chipped mug was placed in front of him and another for Ray.
"You could fix this place up pretty cheap, unless you want to go
for something fancy. Bathroom still works, 'cept for the hot water,
but that's easily fixed. Only one bedroom…" Samotis grinned.
"But I guess that won't bother you boys."
The heat rose in Renny's face, but Ray just grinned. "No. It won't
bother us."
*
Ray was pacing behind him. It didn't help his concentration. Renny
consulted his notes again and adjusted a calculation slightly. Then
he laid down his pen and rubbed his eyes. Immediately Ray was leaning
over him from behind, an arm resting on either shoulder.
"So, whaddaya think? Can I do it?" He sounded worried.
"Well…" Renny sighed. "Mr Samotis is right. It's
a profitable business. But he hasn't had a loan on it for years."
Ray gave a little moan. "So I can't do it?"
"I wouldn't say that Ray. It won't be easy." He looked at
the figures again. "The last few years have been very good, but
you can't count on that continuing. A bad season, winter or summer,
could be disastrous. So you'd need to keep something in reserve."
"Renny! Gimme a break here. Can I do it, or can't I?"
"All right. Here is my opinion." He turned in the chair and
smiled up at his lover. "You have enough money saved to convince
the bank manager to give you a loan. You should be able to meet the
repayments and the interest as long as nothing drastic goes wrong,
and still have just enough to live on."
"Great!" Ray grinned delightedly.
"However…" he kept his face stern. "To be
safe, you really ought to have another twenty thousand dollars. That
would make all the difference. That way you'd be paying less capital
and less interest on the capital. The repayments would be significantly
lower."
A scowl gathered on his lover's face. "You know I don't
have another twenty thou. That's everything I own. Hell, I wouldn't
even have that if I hadn't been saving for a house when me and Stella
were still together."
"Oh? I wondered how you'd saved so much."
"Yeah? Maybe you thought I was taking bribes?" Ray shrugged.
"I wanted us to buy a house so we could have our kids there. Guess
I shoulda known what was happening when she didn't exactly try saving
very hard. Anyway, after we divorced she took her share and I just kept
lettin' it build up. Didn't know what to do with it." He paused
expectantly. "Well? Is it enough?"
"Well, with another…"
Ray grabbed him by the shoulders. "I don't have another
twenty thousand!"
"But I do, Ray." He smiled triumphantly up into Ray's stunned
face. "I've been putting a little aside for my retirement, but
I just might be persuaded to invest it."
Ray groped for a chair and almost fell into it. "You don't have
to do that, Renny. This is my idea."
"But it makes sense, Ray. It would make all the difference."
He grabbed his notes. "And also, if we lived above the store, that
would save on the rent of this house. We could easily live on my income,
and put all the proceeds from the store into paying off the loan early.
If we were partners." He looked at Ray doubtfully. He wasn't looking
as pleased as he'd hoped. "You'd have the majority share, of course…"
Ray was looking at him strangely. "Renny, if we lived above the
store, everybody would know…"
"I think everybody does know, Ray." He blushed. "At
least I think Staff Sergeant Wilburn does, and the neighbours. And we
know Mr Samotis does, and he'd only just met us. You didn't seem to
mind."
"He's gonna leave soon. What he thinks don't matter." Ray
took hold of his hands. "Are you sure you can handle this? There
won't be any trouble at work over it?"
"No. I'm sure everything will be fine." Renny smiled tentatively.
"What about you? Are you sure? You've made this decision
very suddenly."
Ray shook his head. "I've been looking for something like this
ever since I got here. I found out about the store last week and I've
been asking questions all over town. Before I left Chicago I wrote out
my resignation and gave it to Welsh. All I have to do is call him and
tell him to open the envelope. I just needed to be sure you wanted me
here."
"Ohhh…" for once he was speechless. "Oh, Ray…"
His lover stood and pulled him up into a pair of strong slender arms.
"Come to bed." His voice was rough. "Come to bed and
screw me senseless."
*
It had snowed during the night. Not heavily, just a few centimetres…
enough to cover the ground with a pristine white blanket, which would
probably soon melt into grey slush. Renny decided he'd shovel the sidewalk
anyway; he needed to burn off some excess energy, and it was his day
off.
He missed Ray; that was the problem. They'd spent a week organising
everything… the loan, signing over the business… Ron Samotis
had even allowed them to make a start on renovating the upstairs quarters.
Just the basics, like repairing the water system, and a couple of coats
of paint for the bedroom and living area. That was all they'd be able
to afford for a while. Then Ray had left for Chicago, to make all the
necessary arrangements down there.
That had been eight days ago. Nothing compared to the three months they'd
been apart, but so much had changed since then. For the first time,
Renny had to face the possibility… no, the certainty, that he was
loved by Ray just as deeply as he loved Ray. Sometimes it frightened
him, still. The rest of the time, he simply wanted to spend every waking
moment at Ray's side, and every sleeping moment held in his arms.
Well, thinking about Ray wasn't going to get that snow shovelled. He
dressed hurriedly, ate breakfast and was out on the sidewalk within half
an hour. When he'd done his own path and section of sidewalk, perhaps
he should offer to clear some of his neighbours' paths. He was two thirds
of the way towards the sidewalk when he heard the throaty purr of a big
old fashioned American car and looked up just in time to see a black
GTO pull up to the curb directly in front of him.
"Ray!" For a moment he simply froze. Then he tossed the shovel
aside and started towards the car.
A slender, well muffled figure erupted from the GTO and flung itself
on his chest with a resounding thud, winding them both. Strong arms
wrapped around him and they managed to stay upright, just. Ray's lips,
hot and eager, devoured his own. In full view of the neighbours…
oh well… Renny abandoned himself to the kiss. His own arms tightened
and almost lifted Ray off the ground.
"Honey, I'm home…" Ray grinned up at him.
He was a bundle of manic energy, his eyes glittering, his hair standing
in wild disarray. Renny almost expected to see sparks of electricity
coming out of the tips. He kissed Ray again, hard and fast, then disentangled
himself regretfully. "How was the trip, Ray? Is your turtle all
right?"
"I left it behind. Vecchio's got it. He swears he'll keep Dief
off of it." Ray grabbed his hand and started dragging him back
towards the house. "Come on."
Renny resisted. "But, Ray, your things… don't you want to
unload the car?"
Ray stopped and turned to him, a feral gleam in his eyes. Renny's knees
went weak. "We can do that later."