He'd asked for this day off several weeks in advance. Now he regretted that. Nothing would be accomplished by lying in bed all day. From his bed he could just see out the window; it was raining.
"What's wrong Benny? Ya sick?"
"Hello Ray." Ray!? He raised his head to look. Yes, there was Ray. Fighting the urge to just wave pathetically, he sighed and dropped his head back on the pillow. "I'm fine."
"I went to the Consulate to pick you up. When you weren't there I figured you must be sick or something. What's wrong?"
"I asked for the day off."
"How come?"
"I'd rather not talk about it, Ray."
"All right. You could'a, oh, I don't know - told me? Ray, you won't need to stop by today. I'm crabby and I'm not going to work."
"Oh." He didn't really have the energy to respond. Ray sat beside him on the bed. "What's up, Benny?"
He sat up. "Nothing's wrong. I don't wanna talk about it."
"So which is it?"
He stood suddenly, facing away from his best friend. "Both."
"Oh."
And Fraser couldn't stand the quiet hurt in Ray's voice. The way he whispered as if berating himself for caring. As if he shouldn't be listening because Ray wasn't important.
"It's not worth it." He said harshly.
Ray's voice faltered. "What, what do you mean?"
"I can't even save myself." He knew from Ray's expression the moment Ray understood. "I won't be held responsible."
"This is about her, isn't it. What's today? Oh yeah. The anniversary."
"I put her in prison. Duty is hardly an excuse."
"Dammit. She put herself in prison."
"I made a mistake."
"No, you didn't. You just believed her when she told you it was your fault. She got a hold on you and just ripped your world apart. Her eyes were on the door the whole time. You just tried too hard for something that wasn't there. This is real. Don't run from it just because you're afraid. I'm not like her."
He closed his eyes, trying not to picture the possibilities tempting him from his path. "I didn't mean to see her again."
"Benny, she didn't know what she had. She wasted it. It's not your fault. She was manipulating you."
I'm afraid to give my heart again. I might need you to say it's all right. "You don't know how desperate I've become."
"I understand but there's no reason for your fear. Let me help you pick up the pieces."
I dreamed about you, I felt you there. He shook his head. "All I need is a second chance." I want to try again, break my fall.
Silence fell for a moment as Ray absorbed his words and misunderstood. "Even after everything she did, you still love her, don't you? How could you?"
Angered at Ray's misunderstanding, his hand was moving before he knew it. And then it was too late to stop.
Ray was looking at him, something in his eyes making Ben's heart ache. Ray blinked and it was gone. Everything was gone. Every centimeter of warmth, of friendship, of relationship that had ever been between them had disappeared. Ray wasn't mad, or hurt, or any of the hundred other things he had every right to be. For once he couldn't tell what Ray was thinking or feeling. Blank eyes turned to him. "I almost fell into that hole in your world. I won't make that mistake again."
"Ray. I'm-"
"I don't care anymore. Let me by."
He stepped in Ray's path, unable to let him just walk away.
"Get out of my way."
The utter conviction in Ray's voice made him step aside. And then Ray was gone.
Obviously it hadn't been a dream. It was everything he'd feared since becoming friends with Ray. How would he stay sane without Ray to translate the madness of Chicago into something comprehensible? He had to get Ray back. Before panic set in, he went to look for Ray.
"Hello Mrs. Vecchio. How are you this morning?"
"Oh fine. Just fine, Caro. And you?"
"I'm all right. Is Ray here perchance?"
"He left early this morning. Maria went with him." She took a closer look at him. "Are you okay?"
He couldn't lie to this woman who loved him like another son. "Not really. I did something horrible last night and I'm scared of what might happen."
"What happened."
"I-" He couldn't look her in the eye. "I hit Ray." Her gasp was loud in the quiet of an otherwise empty house.
"Why?"
He shrugged his shoulders, embarrassed. "I don't know. We were talking and the next thing I know he was yelling and he said something about Victoria and then my hand- I hit Ray." Inexplicably he was crying as she pulled him into an embrace. "I love him." He whispered. "How could I have hit him?"
Rosa was rocking him like a small child and he felt like a rat for allowing her to comfort him but he needed the motherly attention. Finally she released him slightly. "Does he love you?"
For the first time he realized what he'd revealed. "I think so." He said hesitantly.
She smiled warmly. "Then everything will work out. Talk to him and tell him how you feel."
He sighed in relief. It wasn't hopeless, he wasn't going to drown.
Rosa talked him into waiting there for Ray and helping her cook. Assisting her, he could almost forget what had happened.
Then Ray and Maria returned. Ray walked in, carrying several packages, and the expression on his face disappeared when Fraser went to help him. Not even acknowledging his presence, Ray took the packages to Tony and Maria's room. Maria came in afterwards, entirely missing what had happened.
"Benton. Hello." She kissed his cheek as she passed.
"Hello, Maria. How was your day?"
"Wonderful. Ray was a doll to help. Are you staying for dinner, or do you and Ray have plans?"
"I'm not quite sure."
"Ah." He went upstairs, realizing that Ray wasn't going to come down and throw him out. Obviously it would be up to him to go upstairs and apologize.
The stairs had never seemed so long and he almost went back downstairs when he saw that Ray's door was closed. Taking a deep breath he knocked. There was no answer and he knocked again, more forcefully.
"Ray? I'd like to talk to you." He waited a moment for a reply and had his hand raised to knock again when the door opened.
"What?"
He was alternately thankful for the lack of anger in Ray's voice and worried about the lack of any hint of recognition. "Can we talk? Please?"
"And if I say no? You gonna try and hit me again?" His words were harsh but devoid of anger.
"That's not fair." He stammered.
"Isn't it?"
"Give me a moment? Please, Ray. Let me try and explain."
He could tell that Ray was set to say no when Maria walked by smiling, and was grateful for her interruption when Ray let him into the room before shutting the door again.
"Say what you gotta say and then leave."
"I- I'm sorry, Ray."
Ray crossed his arms and leaned against the far wall. Every facet of his body language screaming even as his face gave nothing away.
"It was just . .. . you just ... . . You weren't listening."
For the first time since that night, Ray's voice quivered. "I wasn't listening?"
"I was trying to tell you and everything was coming out wrong and you were getting mad and then you said I still loved her and I don't and it just made me so mad because. . . . I don't know why it made me so mad." He finished quickly. Ray was looking at him like he'd never seen him before and it unnerved him greatly. "What can I do to make it up to you? Do you want to hit me back?"
"Hit you back? Is that what you think this is about? You think if I just hit you back we'll be even Steven and everything can just go back to the way it was before? It doesn't work like that, Fraser!"
"Please, Ray. I love you."
"That's nice."
"I love you. I don't love Victoria. I thought I did, but I was wrong."
"Well, good for you. Doesn't change anything."
"Tell me you don't love me."
Ray laughed painfully. "Do I love you. Of course I do. You know that. I've loved you for the longest time. But you know what?" He turned away. "I wish I didn't. I wish I could turn it off. Cause right now, I don't want to love you."
"You don't mean that. I understand that you're angry. You have every right to be."
"Don't. Don't tell me how I feel. Don't tell me what I have the right to feel."
"That's not what I -" He changed his mind and started over. "You're right. I'm sorry. Can we just try and find where we were?"
"It's a fucked up place. I'm not going back there."
"I know I let you down, Ray, but it'll be different now. I promise."
"Believe what you want. It doesn't matter. I won't be there. I've heard it all before Fraser. No more I love you's."
The scorn in Ray's voice left him empty again. How had he failed to notice how fragile Ray was? He could apologize forever but could he ever make this up to Ray? Mrs. Vecchio had been wrong. Love wasn't everything. Trust was. And Ray would never be able to trust him again. Everything had changed.