One Step

By Postcard

Rating: - PG.

Disclaimer: - The characters in this story (Ben and Meg) are not mine and anything else Due South isn't mine either. I do not mean to infringe on copyrights held by any copyright holders for Due South. The story however is mine (copyright December 1999/February 2000 by Postcard on all original story content.) Please do not reproduce for anything other than personal reading without the written consent of author. This story is not written for profit and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

Author's note: - I feel that I should warn any reader that this story deals with suicide and living with a serious illness. The song Because You Loved Me is by Celine Dion and I thought that it was very appropriate for this story. I hope that you enjoy reading this story and any constructive comments are welcome at postcard@manutd.com

Meg stood on the edge of the roof at the Canadian Consulate in Chicago. Looking down at the concrete pavement, she thought, * one step, just one step is all I need to take. And no more pain, sickness, hospitals, nightmares, and panic attacks…no more anything. *

"Sir? Meg?"

The sound of Ben's voice startled Meg. Meg looked towards him in surprise, but she still didn't move away from the roof's edge. "Fraser, what are you doing here?"

"I could say the same to you. Are you all right?" Ben wasn't sure why Meg was up on top of the roof, and the fact that she was standing dangerously close to the edge concerned him immensely.

Meg let out a short bitter laugh. "Ha! Am I all right! Fraser, have you heard the saying, 'life sucks and then you die?' Well it's true." Looking at his perplexed expression, Meg elaborated. "You see the world through rose coloured glasses, Ben. Take them off and have a good, long, hard look at what the world really is like. It's full of suffering, greed, and violence. Life can be degrading."

The force with which she spoke shocked Ben. "That's only part of the world, Meg. Here look, look at all of the goodness and beautiful things just around here. The birds, the trees, the sky, you."

Meg raised her eyebrows at him. "You won't think that I'm beautiful soon."

"What makes you say that. Of course I will. Why shouldn't I?"

Meg turned away from him and when she spoke next her voice sounded so eerie that it made Ben feel uneasy. "You know the scar that I have, Ben?" He nodded his head in ascent. "Well, you know that I told you it was a police injury!" He nodded his head 'yes' again. "That's not true. The scar is from an operation I had when I was younger. As scars go, the surgeon did a good job. He saved my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that he saved my life and I'm glad that I'm alive. It's just that what I went through was so horrible, that I don't think that I can face going through it again. That's why I'm up here."

* Oh my God! Does she mean that she came up here to…that she's going to…surely Meg wouldn't jump! Would she? * "Meg, please come away from the edge." Ben spoke extremely softly to her and held his hand out to coax her towards him.

Meg didn't move an inch, her eyes remained fixed on the pavement below. "At first I couldn't even look at my scar. It repulsed me. And then gradually I could look at it, but I couldn’t touch it. I just couldn't. It took me a long time to be able to finally, actually, touch my scar."

Turning her head Meg looked at Ben. "As you know I've been…ill recently. I told you that it was nothing to worry about and that it was just some bug or something. Well, you see I didn't want to worry you. I've…I've been going to the hospital frequently to see a consultant. He has told me that…that it's come back. When he told me I just sat there numb. I could see that the nurses and him were all looking at me, waiting for me to freak out. But I didn't. I don't know; I was probably in shock. I probably still am. I just couldn't cry. I've cried so much in the past that I've exhausted all of my tears. They were all dried up, there just weren't any left. I didn’t see the point in crying. I mean, what good would it do? It wouldn't change the situation. I decided just to deal with it by smiling about it and pretending that I was fine about it. I wasn't going to give in to it. I wasn't going to let it win by making me miserable. I was determined not to let it ruin my life again. And I've tried; I really have tried Ben. But the medication isn't working and I'm scared Ben. I'm sick and tired of being a Guinea Pig. I've had enough of hospitals, of needles and tubes being stuck in me and of taking vile medication that instead of working gives me horrible side effects instead. I don't want to have to have another operation Ben. I'm scared. I was lucky the first time; everything went all right. But there's no guarantee that…" Meg gulped. "They say that when they operate there's no guarantee that it will go all right. The more they operate, the more likely…But I have no choice. If the medication continues not to work then the only option is surgery. And I can't go through that again Ben. I really can't. But if they don't operate…I die anyway," Meg finished quietly.

"Oh Meg, my love." Ben had tears in his eyes. He walked slowly towards her, and took her in his arms. Meg instantly pulled away. Biting her lip, Meg turned away from Ben and looked out across the city. "The dreadful images of what's happened to me pop into my mind and…sometimes at night I'll have nightmares that seem so real. It's as if it's actually happening. In my nightmares I really feel like someone is actually sticking a needle in me or worse. And I have these horrendous panic attacks. They make me feel like I'm choking and that I can't breath. I've tried to hide all of this from you, to pretend that I'm not really ill. But I can't hide it any more. I can't put on an act anymore. I'm tired of hiding how I really feel. People assume that because I have previously dealt with it, that I can cope all right again. They just assume that I'm all right. But I'm not. The pain from the illness is just so bad; it's excruciating. I continually nearly pass out from the pain. You know, I would have though that I was dying if I had not have felt the pain, because they say that you don't feel anything then." Meg peered down at the ground, and for one horrible moment, Ben thought that she was going to jump.

Continuing to stare at the pavement, she took a deep breath before continuing. "I've tired so many medications Ben. But none of them work and the side effects have started to take hold…" Meg faced Ben. "Look." She ran her hand through her hair and some strands fell out in a clump. It was heartbreaking for Ben to see her like this; hurting so much. If there was anyway of taking it all away for her, he would, anyway that is except letting her kill herself.

Fiercely Meg asked, "do you still believe that you'll think I'm beautiful when the medication makes my hair resemble straw and fall out in clumps? Or when it gives me spots, and makes my teeth start to rot?"

"Yes I will. All of those things don't matter, they can be put right. You're beautiful on the inside as well Meg. And that is the hardest thing to put right in a person."

"That's sweet, Ben. But it matters to me. You don't know what it feels like."

"No. I don't. But I'm willing to listen and try and understand."

"People don't understand. They think that everyone can just go to the doctors, and be given something, to make them better, and cure them. I know differently. I know it doesn't work like that. I wish that it did. But it doesn't."

"I think that you are very brave, Meg."

"I don't think that I am. It's not bravery when you have no choice."

"You do have choices, Meg. You have control. You can either jump or not jump. Fight the illness with a smile or with a frown. Your choices are endless."

"Does that sound strange to you? I mean that on one hand I'm glad to be alive. But on the other hand I want to jump?"

"No." Ben shook his head. "It doesn't sound strange. But please don't jump Meg. You don't have to go through this on your own, I'm here for you."

"Will you be there when the medication makes me throw up and the dramatic weight loss makes me look anorexic?"

"Yes." Ben spoke adamantly. "I'll be here for you through all of it." He looked and sounded so sincere that Meg really believed he meant it.

Meg looked up at the overcast sky. "Do you believe in God, Ben?"

"I believe that anything is possible. I like to keep an open mind."

"I believe that God exists. But, I'm having a real hard time thinking that God is a nice person. If he's so nice, and cares about everyone so much, then why the hell does he let people have so much pain and misery? You know I may look young, but with everything that's happened to me I feel a lot older. Why is he putting me through all of this Ben? I don't understand. I've tried to understand, but I just don't. I think that there must be a good reason. I mean, surely nobody can go through all of this for nothing? But I just don't know what the reason is. "

Ben shook his head sadly. He may know a lot of things but those were questions that he just couldn't answer. "Ben I can face up to any number of things. People don't scare me, harden criminals, Henri Cloutier, bears, trying to cross the main street in rush hour traffic. None of that scares me, but this…this terrifies me Ben. This I can't face. I just want to run away and hide."

"You're strong, Meg. You're one of the strongest people I know. You can get through this. You are going to get through this. I won't lie to you. It isn't going to be easy. There will be times, like now, when you feel like you can't go on. Times when you feel hurt, angry, even scared and like crying. And that's understandable. But you will come through it and you'll be fine, Meg. I know you will."

"I'm tired of fighting Ben. My bodies tired, it's exhausted. I don't feel like fighting anymore. I feel like running away. But I know that I can't, because it won't go away. No matter how far I go, or where I run to, it will still be there. So much hurt is built up inside of me. I feel not only physically hurt, but emotionally and mentally hurt as well. I just feel like standing on top of this roof, and screaming, and screaming, and screaming. But once I start screaming, I'll probably never be able to stop."

"I used to be so, 'in control,' of my life. And now, I feel like I have no control of my life, what so ever. Every time I start to take control again, it's snatched away from me. I have tried so hard to cope, Ben, I really have. I was obstinate as well. I was told to have the least stress possible. Which, as you know, is a joke in this job. And to take it easy and quit my job. But I love this job, I've worked so hard to get here and there was no way that I was going to give up and quit. It's not in my nature to quit. Well, not until now that is. I carried on and the consultant and nurses were amazed that I was still managing to keep up with my job with the illness. It wasn't easy, but I was determined to give it my best shot."

"And they say that now I'll have to give up my job. The job that I have worked so hard for and that I love so much. It's ruining my life Ben. For goodness sake it isn't fair. More to the point I feel like I don't have a life. I can't do the things that people normally do and it's so unfair. I'll have to put the whole of my life on hold."

"Life isn't a race, Meg. It's a journey."

"That's what my consultant keeps saying. But I want to be just like everybody else Ben. I don't want to have to go through this, I can't."

"Meg, you've come this far, don't give up now."

Meg looked at him uncertainly and Ben realised that she was veering too close to the edge. He quickly moved to her side and 'quick as a flash,' he handcuffed Meg to him. "What do you think you're doing? Un-handcuff me."

"If you decide to jump, you'll have to take me with you. We took a vow, 'in sickness and in health, till death do us part.' I don't want to live without you, Meg. If you jump now you'll have to take me with you."

Looking into his eyes Meg felt a pang of guilt at the hurt she saw in them. He was the last person in the world that she wanted to hurt. She thought that she could probably jump and kill herself and relieve all of the hurt once and for all. But she couldn't jump and kill Ben. She loved him too much to jump and end his life as well. She couldn't deprive the world of Ben. There was so much left for him to do. And most importantly so much that he could do. He had so much to offer the world. He had so much love, kindness, talent, and trust.

"Do you remember the first time we were handcuffed together?" Ben asked.

"Yes. It was on the train."

"I thought that you were very strong and sensible then Meg, in the way that you handled the situation. And I think that you're strong and sensible now. I have faith in you Meg to make the correct decision, the sensible and strong decision. I'll take the handcuffs off."

She stood there on the roofs edge, thinking about what he'd said for a while. Maybe he could help her? Maybe together they could get through this? She at least owed him the chance to try and find out, after he had been so caring to her and has so much faith in her. Meg finally came to the decision. The decision not to jump. * After all, if it doesn't work, there's always a roof and one step! *

She gave him her hand and he pulled her into his loving embrace. And for the first time in ages she cried.

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me.

For all the truth that you made me see.

For all the joy you brought to my life.

For all the wrong that you made right.

For every dream you made come true.

For all the love I found in you.

I'll be forever thankful baby.

You’re the one who held me up, never let me fall.

You're the one who saw me through, through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak.

You were my voice when I couldn't speak.

You were my eyes when I couldn't see.

You saw the best there was in me.

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith cause you believed.

I'm everything I am because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly.

You touched my hand; I could touch the sky.

I lost my faith; you gave it back to me.

You said 'no star was out of reach.'

You stood by me and I stood tall.

I had your love, I had it all.

I'm grateful for each day you gave me.

Maybe I don't know that much, but I know this much is true,

I was blessed because I was loved by you.

Repeat Chorus

You were always there for me,

the tender wind that carried me.

Light in the dark, shining your love into my life.

You've been my inspiration.

Through the lies you were the truth.

My world is a better place because of you.

(By Celine Dion.)