He was adrift in darkness, with only the memory of pain and danger to hold on to. He wondered where Benny was, he had no sense of his presence at all and that frightened him... Benny was usually not far away when there was danger, in fact it was usually him who got them into danger in the first place.
Sometimes it seemed that there was a lessening of the darkness, but when that happened he sensed unfamiliar sounds and smells that frightened him back into the darkness. At least here he was safe. Maybe Benny would find him here. He thought he'd been waiting a long time... where was Benny?
*
He woke to the all too familiar smell of a hospital room, the bright painful light and the sound of monitors beeping harshly. He turned his head with an effort and saw his mother standing beside the bed. He wanted to ask how he'd got there, was Benny safe, but the effort of opening his eyes had exhausted him and they closed again, sending him into the darkness.
*
It seemed like he'd been there forever, sliding between darkness and light, seeing and hearing what was going on around him, but not really a part of it. There was something going on, something that was upsetting his family. He wanted to ask about Benny, but wasn't sure if any of them would tell him.
*
This time it seemed easier to come out of the darkness, more like waking from a normal sleep. Maria was there. She might tell him about Benny. He made an effort, but all that came out was a croak. Maria fussed around him, lifting his head and giving him water to sip. He tried again.
"Benny... where's Benny?"
"Is he all you can think about? Don't you know how worried we've all been?"
"Please Maria..."
She looked at him consideringly. "He's been sent back to Canada. He left yesterday."
He didn't believe her, of course. Even when his mother came in and confirmed what she'd said, he didn't believe either of them. Was Benny dead? Or were they going to keep Benny away from him? Oh, God... what were they doing?
Now, when he let the darkness take him, there was no peace, he couldn't hide from the fear and he didn't have the strength to fight his family, to make them tell him about Benny. He dreamt, not knowing what was real and what wasn't... watching as his gun came up and fired... watching as Benny fell... Then it was him who was falling, Carter's bullet in his shoulder, protecting Benny... was that how he'd got here? Surely that was before... before he'd known he loved Benny... he couldn't tell anymore. The only thing he really knew was that Benny was more important to him than his own life... were they even lovers? Or was that a dream too?
*
He heard Benny's voice, he was sure of it. He struggled to come out of the darkness and was rewarded with a glimpse of a familiar pale face in a dimly lit room.
"Benny?"
"Yes Ray, I'm here."
"...not a dream?"
"I'm real, here..." A feather light touch on his cheek and lips, but then Benny was turning away to talk urgently to somebody else. Ray started to panic, he couldn't lose Benny again. Benny turned back to him and he felt something cool close around his wrist with a metallic click. He looked at the handcuffs in puzzlement as Benny closed the other bracelet around his own wrist.
"Why you 'resting me Benny? wha've I done?"
"Shh. I'm making sure nobody can separate us again."
"Ohhh... ...who?"
"Never mind."
He felt Benny's body slide onto the bed and an arm slide under his shoulders, drawing him close. A hand closed over his. He twined his fingers with Benny's, desperate to hold onto him. In spite of this, he could feel himself sliding back into the darkness. The last thing he was aware of was a brief kiss on the lips.
*
Ray was dreaming, but this time he knew he was dreaming.
............He'd been so scared that day, knowing that he loved Benny, knowing that he couldn't live with this knowledge and do nothing about it. He just hadn't known how he could tell Benny in a way that wouldn't destroy their friendship. They'd been sitting in the Riv and he'd talked endlessly, it seemed, about nothing at all. Benny had politely gone along with him, but had obviously been at a loss. He'd looked over at that handsome profile and felt totally hopeless. He didn't see how he could ever tell Benny what he was feeling. Benny had turned to look at him, and Ray had seen the shock on his face and had been sure he'd given himself away completely. He'd reached for the keys blindly, wanting to escape, blinking back tears of sheer misery. Then he'd felt a touch on his cheek, and had turned back, despair giving way to hope.
They'd stumbled upstairs to Benny's apartment and made love on the floor, too overwhelmed by need and passion to make it to the bed. He'd spent the whole night in Benny's arms, the first of many nights............
He smiled.
*
Benny had been there with him, he was sure of it. But now he was alone again, lost. He turned his head, looking for his love in the dim light. There was no sign of him. He was close to despair, ready to believe it had all been a dream, when a slight movement of his arm caused a tiny chinking sound. He lifted his arm with an effort and saw that he was handcuffed to the bed's safety rail... He remembered Benny putting it on him. It hadn't been a dream after all. Benny would come back for him, he knew that as surely as he knew his own name.
He was on the edge of sleep when Benny returned, unclipping the handcuff from the rail and replacing it on his own wrist before sliding onto the bed.
"Benny?"
"I'm here, Ray."
"Why did you cuff me?"
He could hear the smile in Benny's voice. "Well, Ray, the Inuit believe that it's possible to tie a man's soul to his body when he's sick, so that he can't die. I thought I'd try it."
"Benny?"
"Yes, Ray?"
"Tell me an Inuit story." He didn't really want to hear one, they never made any sense to him, but he wanted to hear that velvet voice as he fell asleep.
*
It was easy, this time, to leave the darkness, knowing that Benny would be there to meet him. Even asleep he'd been aware of the warm body pressed against his, but as he woke he could hear voices, one angry, one calm and reasonable. A third voice joined in, icily polite, none of them was Benny.
He turned his head. Benny was still asleep, lying against his shoulder. He saw how pale Benny was, the dark shadows under his eyes, and wanted to shout at the others to be quiet. His voice emerged as a strained whisper, but at least it got their attention. They turned towards him, a nurse and a doctor. Beyond them both, his mother. She came over to the bed, pushing the other two aside.
"Raimondo, caro..." She touched his cheek, the way she always had when he was a child.
"What's wrong, Ma? Don't wake Benny..."
Her lips tightened. "Benton shouldn't be here. I am trying to get these people..." she glared over her shoulder at them, "to have him taken away."
"No, Ma!" He was already weakening, he realised he wouldn't be able to hold out against her determination for long. Help came from an unexpected quarter.
"Mrs Vecchio, Ray's vital signs have improved considerably since Mr Fraser got in here last night. I really think you ought to reconsider your position." That was the doctor, she smiled slightly at Ray. "Do you want your friend to stay, Mr Vecchio?"
"Yes!"
She turned back to his mother. "We have to abide by the patient's wishes in a situation like this, Mrs Vecchio. As long as it's not doing any harm. And in this case it seems to be helping your son."
"Raimondo!"
"No, Ma. I need him..." He was weakening fast. The doctor took a quick look at him and ushered his mother out, still arguing. He looked over at Benny, still asleep in spite of the noise. That wasn't normal.
The nurse came over to check the IV drip and caught his anxious look. "Don't worry, he's just exhausted. Not enough sleep, he'll be fine."
He moved his head so he could rest his cheek against Benny's hair and let himself drift into sleep again.
*
Three weeks later, he was almost beginning to feel human again. He no longer spent three quarters of the day asleep and could hold up his end of a conversation for at least ten minutes at a time. That was self preservation, he'd spent way too much time listening to Inuit stories. Benny seemed to have got the idea somehow that he liked them.
His visitors no longer talked in the hushed tones reserved for a death bed. That had really got on his nerves. And Benny was there. All the time at first, but lately he'd gone back to work at the Consulate and only came in early in the mornings and in the evenings. He'd even started going home at night to sleep, so Ray figured he must definitely be getting better.
His family was only visiting in the daytime now, so, apart from the weekends, there wasn't much friction, and Benny was doing his best to keep things calm, not always helped by Ray. Benny usually retreated to the hallway when the Vecchios arrived, but their visits always left both of them feeling jumpy by the time they'd left.
Nobody said anything about kicking Benny out. Nobody said anything at all about him and Benny, not even the people from the precinct who visited. Once when Huey was there Benny had sat on the bed with his arm around Ray, and Huey hadn't turned a hair. He guessed they must all know by now, but somehow it didn't seem to matter.
Today, finally, Benny was going to take him out, in a wheelchair, to the small park beside the hospital for the first time. Nothing could spoil this, not even Frannie's unexpected arrival and the resentful looks she'd given Benny as he'd wheeled Ray away. This was their time to be together and she'd known it.
*
Dief was waiting by the hospital door and came forward to greet Ray with an unexpected show of enthusiasm. And he didn't have even one jelly doughnut to give the wolf. They strolled through the park, talking about Ben's week at work and other things of absolutely no importance until Ray had had enough of hearing Ben's disembodied voice.
They parked the wheelchair facing a bench and Ben sat, leaning forward, still talking until Ray put a fingertip to his lips, silencing him. The fingertip received a brief kiss before it was withdrawn.
"Benny, we got a problem." Ben was immediately all attention. "The doc says I can check out in a week, if I keep improving. Ma wants me to go home with her, but I figure it won't be much fun for you, coming over to visit. Trouble is, I need to have someone around for a while, I can't be on my own."
"Ray, I've tried, but I've already taken too much time off work. Inspector Thatcher won't let me have any more. And to be fair, we are really busy right now... maybe you should go to your mother's house."
Ray knew what it cost him to say that. It was all he needed to make the decision he'd been putting off for days.
"Benny, I've got my own apartment. We could go there..." He was surprised to see there was no reaction to his news, as if Benny already knew about the apartment. "Did you know about this?"
Ben nodded, "Jack told me."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I was waiting for you to bring it up, Ray. I assumed you had a reason for not telling me." Ben's tolerance was beginning to annoy him.
"Damn right. I didn't want you interfering." Ben looked hurt. Ray softened immediately, he'd never been able to hold out against that look, even when he suspected it was done deliberately. "Sorry, Benny."
"Was it because your mother found out about us?"
"She didn't find out, I told her." And, answering Ben's startled look, "it seemed like a good idea at the time..." He hesitated, reliving that moment. "She went crazy, you should've heard what she said about it... no... maybe it's just as well you didn't." A hand gripped Ray's tightly, the thumb stroking the back of his hand. "Anyway, it went on for a coupla weeks, she even got Fr Behan over to talk to me, wanted him to tell me I was going to hell for what I was doing... That's when I got out."
"Why didn't you tell me, Ray?"
"I didn't want you involved, it was between me and Ma. You would only have got hurt. You would have gone to see her, wouldn't you?" Ben nodded. "You see?"
Ben sighed. "I do understand, Ray. I still wish you'd told me."
"Well, if I'd known I was going to get shot, I would have." Ray grinned, but Ben wasn't sharing the joke. "Benny, I'm sorry, that wasn't funny."
"No. It wasn't."
They sat in silence for a few moments, then Ray lifted their joined hands and held Ben's against his cheek for a second before bringing it to his lips for a kiss. Ben glanced around, checking there was nobody close by, and leaned over to plant a lingering kiss on Ray's lips.
"Why did you tell me this now Ray?"
"I've been talking to Ma. She won't come to your apartment, but she's agreed to come to mine during the day, and you can be there in the evening."
"And overnight?"
"Of course overnight."
"Ray, I don't understand. How is that different from being at my apartment?"
"I dunno, I guess it just is... Maybe it's because I told her that the doc won't let me have sex with you for another coupla weeks..."
"Is that true?"
"Yeah... not that I've got the energy for sex anyway." Ray grimaced, that was something he preferred not to think about. What if the urge never came back? Benny was laughing. Ray would have been annoyed, if it wasn't so good to see him so happy.
"OK, OK... it's not that funny." He shivered suddenly and then had to fend off Ben's offer of his jacket to keep him warm. "Let's go back, I'm getting tired."
But when Ben wheeled him into his room, Ray was feeling good enough to show off a little. Gesturing to Ben to back away, he carefully pushed himself out of the chair and took a few shaky steps into his arms, grinning like mad. God, it was so good, just to lean against Benny's warmth and solidity, to slide his arms around Benny's waist and hold him tightly, to kiss him so hard his head started spinning.
*
Ray was cleaning out the locker beside his bed, getting ready to go home, when he found the handcuffs. He'd almost forgotten about them, they'd been a kind of good luck charm for the two of them. He sat there for a while, trying to remember how that had come about, and eventually gave up. Oh well, he'd take them home, maybe they could find a use for them later... He wiped the grin off his face rapidly when his mother walked in, and dropped the handcuffs in his carryall. The last thing he needed was for her to see them.
By the time they got to his apartment, Ray wasn't feeling much like grinning, he was beginning to wonder if he'd ever stop feeling exhausted whenever he did anything. It was a relief to have his mother there to help him undress and get into bed, he didn't want to be too tired when Benny got home.
The day passed more pleasantly than he'd expected, his mother seemed deliberately to avoid mentioning anything that could get them arguing and he spent a lot of time drifting in and out of sleep, recovering his strength. It reminded him of the times he'd been sick as a kid and, as a result, he was feeling closer to his mother than he had in a long time.
*
She left at four. Ben had said he'd be home at about six o'clock, so Ray was caught napping, literally, when the key rattled in the door just after four-thirty. Dief came in first, greeted him with a quick sniff and disappeared in the direction of the kitchen. By the time Ben came in, Ray was sitting up, looking as alert as he could after just being woken up. Ben sat on the edge of the bed, facing him, and they just looked at each other, smiling. They hadn't been so completely alone together in over a month.
They both moved at the same instant, leaning into each other's arms, mouths searching desperately and locking together. When he could think again, Ray managed to slip his hands between their bodies, fumbling with Ben's belt. It was soon unfastened and the jacket unbuttoned and slipped off Ben's shoulders, then the tie, but when he started on the shirt, Ben drew back, catching at Ray's hands.
"You know we're not allowed..."
"The doc said I couldn't have sex, Benny. She didn't say anything about you..."
"Well, it follows naturally, Ray..." Ben's voice trailed off and he blushed.
Ray grinned rudely and started on the shirt again, pulling it out of his pants and sliding his hands up under the T-shirt beneath. It seemed like an eternity since he had last touched Benny this way. He started to unbutton Ben's pants and it wasn't long before Ray's pyjamas and Ben's clothes were on the floor, forgotten.
*
He was feeling tired again. So what was new? But he wasn't going to give into it just yet. He pushed himself up on one elbow to look at Benny. God, he looked so beautiful like this, hair tousled, eyes heavy lidded, and his normally pale face flushed and drowsy. He could have stayed there forever just looking, but Benny was turning his head and reaching up an arm to pull him down and that was an invitation he could never refuse. This was the best medicine he could have, he thought, to lie here bare-skinned and warm in Benny's arms, he didn't need anything else.
*
They were both wakened by the sound of the doorbell and Ben was rolling out of the bed before Ray could even protest. As far as Ray was concerned, whoever it was could come back later. But Ben had already grabbed a pair of jeans out of the drawer and was pulling them on, then a shirt. He didn't even wait to fasten the shirt as the doorbell rang again.
Ray heard the voices... Lt Welsh, Elaine, Huey, and then they trooped into the room behind Ben, coming to an abrupt halt in the doorway. They would have to have been blind to miss what had been happening, but after a brief hesitation they came over, Elaine gave him the flowers she'd been carrying and kissed him on the cheek and Welsh cleared his throat and held out a gift-wrapped box. "It's a combined welcome home and housewarming present. Here."
Ray was stunned, he'd never expected anything like this. He managed to stammer out some thanks and then Ben took over, fussing around him, helping him put on a robe while Huey gathered some pillows for him to lean against. Ben disappeared into the kitchen to organise coffee and when he came back the shirt was decorously buttoned.
It was kind of weird, having them all sitting around in his bedroom, Ray thought, most of them on the bed because there was only one chair, drinking coffee and chatting. Benny sat beside him and looked over his shoulder as he opened the present. It was a vase, which at least meant there was something to put the flowers in... He caught Elaine's eye and she grinned, took it off him and went into the kitchen to fill it with water and the flowers.
That seemed to be the signal to end it. Welsh cleared his throat again and started saying his good-byes and when Elaine came back she kissed Ray on the cheek again, and then Ben. While Ben was showing her to the door, Huey stood to leave, accidentally knocking over his coffee mug. "Damn! Sorry, Ray, you got any tissues?"
"Sure, in the drawer..." Ray suddenly remembered what else was in there. Huey turned, holding the handcuffs in one hand, the tissues in the other. "So that's where they got to. I wondered why Fraser never returned them."
"You gave them to him?" This was getting weirder by the minute.
"Sure, when he told me what he needed them for... You don't remember?" Ray shook his head. "It was your family, they gave him a pretty hard time... you'd better talk to Fraser about it."
"About what, Jack?" Ben was standing in the doorway.
"Throwing a party. I think you should wait until Ray's a lot better, don't you?" Huey headed for the door.
When Ben came back, Ray was still trying to remember those early days in the hospital, but they were all a blur. There was something about handcuffs, but he couldn't pin the memory down.
"Is something wrong, Ray?"
"Nah, I'm fine... what's for dinner?"
"Well, I thought I might cook some..."
"How about takeout? Maybe Chinese?"
*
Later, after they'd eaten, it wasn't hard to persuade Ben to come to bed early, but then Ray just couldn't settle down. Finally an exasperated Ben turned over.
"Ray, what is the matter? And don't tell me nothing's wrong, this isn't like you."
"Benny, what did you need the handcuffs for?"
He felt Ben stiffen beside him. "What do you mean?"
"Those handcuffs, at the hospital... why were they there? I've tried to remember, but I just can't. Huey said it was something to do with my family." These was no response from Ben. "What did they do, Benny? What happened?"
A sigh. "It's over now. There's no point in dragging it all out again. Leave it Ray."
Ben's voice and the tension in his body were starting to alarm Ray. "No! I want to know what happened!" He sat up and turned on the bedside lamp. Ben winced and put a hand across his face, but Ray pulled it down. What he saw there frightened him. He turned back and switched off the lamp, then pulled Ben into his arms and held him tightly.
When he felt Ben relax a little he said quietly "I really think you should tell me, Benny. I don't want to have to ask Ma about it. Why don't you start at the beginning?"
As Ben told him, Ray began to feel sick. A call at three am, the desperate race to the hospital only to find a hostile Vecchio family, and their relationship known to everyone...
What would he have done, if Benny had had a family who'd kept them apart when Benny had been close to dying? And they hadn't even been lovers then... something in the story caught his attention.
"Huey arrested you? What the hell was he doing?"
"It wasn't his fault, Ray... he had to do it... I... I lost control... it took three of them to hold me down."
Oh, God. "What happened?"
"The charges were dropped. I spent a night in the cells, that's all."
"Oh, Benny..." Ray began to stroke the soft hair, listening to Ben struggle with the tears. "What happened after that?"
The hesitant voice continued. He heard for the first time of the vigil his lover had kept for days, with no hope of being allowed to see him, and of his collapse when he heard that Ray was going to recover. They were both crying now, clinging to each other for comfort. It was a long time before Ben was able to finish the story.
"Really? You handcuffed yourself to me? In hospital?" In spite of the horror of what had happened, Ray was starting to feel a little better. Trust Benny to come up with something so outrageous and yet so faultlessly logical.
"Yes, Ray."
"It must have caused quite a fuss."
"I don't know... when I woke everything was normal. Nobody even mentioned the handcuffs. It was rather puzzling, now that I think of it." He sounded exhausted and was still close to tears, Ray realised. He dropped a kiss on the top of Ben's head.
"It's over now, Benny. I won't ever let this happen again." He resolved to call a lawyer the next day and make sure it never could happen again.
"Ray..." Ben didn't sound very convinced.
"Shhh... it's late, and I need my beauty sleep even if you don't." A shaky chuckle was the only answer.
*
Neither of them slept well that night. Ray had heard Ben crying during the night, in his sleep. He'd stopped when Ray got hold of him, but it had haunted Ray through hours of sleeplessness, until he had an idea. Ben woke when the cool metal closed around his wrist.
"Ray, what are you doing?"
"Just keeping you safe..." He snapped the other bracelet shut around his own wrist.
*
The alarm clock woke Ray at six-thirty in the morning . He managed to fumble the alarm off and had a good look at Ben, still sleeping beside him. He looked awful, too pale, dark shadows under reddened eyelids... Ray decided not to wake him. He reached for his cell phone and called the Consulate, leaving a message on the answerphone that Benny wouldn't be in today. Then he found the key and unlocked the handcuffs.
It didn't occur to him to call his mother.
*
The rattle of door keys woke Ray again, but he had to struggle out of sleep and by the time he did, his mother was standing at the foot of the bed staring angrily at him.
"So Raimondo, you could not wait even one day to return to your sin."
His own anger, after last night, was more than a match for hers... "Go in the kitchen." he hissed at her. Trying not to wake Ben, Ray slid out of the bed and managed to find his pyjama bottoms and robe.
In the kitchen, he closed the door carefully behind him and sat at the table. He would have preferred to stand, but knew he couldn't do that for very long and he didn't want to show any weakness. He attacked before his mother could speak.
"Don't you come here and judge me in my own... our own home, do you hear? I love Benny and he loves me and that's not going to change, so get used to it, 'cause we sure aren't going to stop sleeping together!"
Ray had never spoken to his mother like that before. It shocked both of them, but he knew it was the only way he could get through to her.
"Raimondo, how can you talk to me in such a way? Has Benton turned you against me?"
"He didn't need to. Not after what he told me last night. You know I love him, how could you do that to him?" His voice had started to shake and he was blinking back tears. He'd meant to keep his voice quiet, but now he was shouting. "Do you have any idea what you've done to him? How much you've hurt him? I don't know if I can ever forgive you, Ma."
Anything else he might have said was forgotten when the door burst open and an alarmed, and naked, Ben dived through the door crying out his name. Ray instinctively tried to stand and lost his balance completely. Ben was just in time to catch him, supporting him against his chest. He ignored Ray's mother altogether, looking at Ray anxiously.
Ray grinned shakily. "That was quite an entrance, Benny. What're you going to do for an encore?"
Ben looked over at Mrs Vecchio. "Oh dear."
Ben pulled Ray a little closer against himself, since Ray seemed to be the only article of clothing he currently possessed. Ray didn't mind that at all, though he could have done without his mother as an audience. He kissed Ben lingeringly on the mouth, not caring about her reaction.
Ben pulled his head back a little. "Ray, do you think we could...?"
"Ma, could ya just look the other way, please?" His mother obliged, silently.
When Ben let go of him, Ray swayed and then found himself being carried in Ben's arms back to the bedroom. "Hey, Benny, take me back. I was talking to Ma."
"I know, I heard you." Ben voice was stern. "You weren't being very polite, Ray."
"Polite! After what she's done to you, you want polite?"
"She's your mother, Ray. You owe her that. Besides, she's only concerned about you."
"I can't believe I'm hearing this."
Ben had tucked Ray into the bed, now he was pulling on jeans and a T-shirt. "I never blamed your mother for what she did. It was all because she loves you, don't you know that?"
"Yeah, I do. But that doesn't excuse the way she hurt you. Benny..." Ray reached out a hand, which Ben automatically took hold of, then used it to pull him down onto the bed. He sat up and kissed Ben on the cheek.
"You were crying in your sleep last night, did you know that?" Ben shook his head, opened his mouth to speak and then couldn't, tears gathering in his eyes again. Ray put his arms around Ben his own eyes filling up too. "I can't let her hurt you. It's not right, Benny. If it was someone else being hurt, you'd agree. If you won't stand up for yourself, at least let me do it for you."
"Not like this, Ray."
"I don't know what else to do."
There was a sound from the doorway. His mother was standing there. Ray thought she'd probably been there for a while. Ben's face was streaked with tears, as was his own.
She spoke quietly. "I think that we should talk."
*
In spite of all they'd managed to achieve, it was a relief for them both when Mrs Vecchio left. Ray lay back against the pillows exhausted, and pulled an equally exhausted Ben down so that he lay with his head in Ray's lap. He stroked his fingers through the dark hair and Ben sighed, smiling up at him.
"Well? What do you think, Benny?"
"It's a start. It wasn't easy for her, Ray. I don't know if she'll ever truly accept this."
"Maybe not. Anyway, I'll go to a lawyer, get things set up so you're protected if anything happens to me."
"You don't have to do that."
"I want to Benny, OK?"
Ben nodded, his eyelids closing. "I'll draw up a will too. I'll be leaving everything to you, anyway, but it's better to have it all organised."
"Yeah. I'll have to leave the house to the family, though."
"Of course, Ray. It is their home."
"Uh, Benny?"
"Yes Ray?"
"I get everything? Does that mean I get Dief too?"
"Well of course. Someone has to look after him. God knows he's grown too soft to go back to the wild."
"Great. If I die you get this apartment, the Riv and my CD collection. And if you die I get a bedroll, a kerosene lamp and a deaf wolf. Does that seem fair to you?"
There was no answer. Ray looked down at his sleeping lover.
"Finally, I get the last word." He smiled to himself, savouring the moment. It wasn't likely to happen again for a long time...