Death story-angst

For My Mother Mary-who lost her valiant battle with Cancer just two years ago. She will always be remembered
 

By: Amethyst

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         Fraser glanced over at his partner Ray Kowalski, who was posing as his old partner Ray Vecchio, as Assistant's State's attorney Stella Kowalski spoke quietly to him in the hallway just outside the interviewing rooms. He watched Ray's face go from nervously animated his usual expression around his ex-wife, to ashen and withdrawn. Although Fraser couldn't hear them at this distance he was sure Stella had delivered some devastating news for the detective and his heart went out to his partner.
         Ray ran a shaky hand through his hair as he leaned against the wall, Fraser suspected he was having trouble standing upright and was using the wall for support. Stella was still speaking but Ray seemed no longer to hear her, as he turned and started to walk away from her ignoring her calls for him to return. He walked straight into Francesca, who was hurrying by with a load of files and the files fell to the floor.
         "Oomph!" She grunted then glared at him as she bent to retrieve the folders. "Watch where yer goin' why don't you?" she demanded as Ray stared at her dazed, then slowly knelt to help her pick up the files as Fraser approached to assist. "Everyone's always in a rush around here! Frannie get me this Frannie get me that and I want it yesterday and then you go and walk into me and..." She glanced up and noticed Ray was making no comment, but was instead staring blindly at the one file he had rescued.
         "Ray?" Fraser asked kindly noticing Francesca's concern as the detective finally came back from wherever his thoughts had pulled him and handed the file to Francesca with a less than steady hand.
         "Sorry." He muttered rising, with some difficulty it appeared and walked over to his desk, leaving Fraser and Francesca to gather the rest of the papers.
         "What's wrong with him?" she asked the Mountie and Fraser shook his head, piling the remaining folders into her tiny arms and casting a glance at his partner, who had reached his desk in time to answer his phone.
         "I do not know." He admitted quietly. "Excuse me, Francesca." He didn't wait for her dismissal as he turned to approach Ray, who was gathering his raglan around his shoulders. "Do we have a case, Ray?" he inquired as the blond moved past him and Fraser followed.
         "What?" Ray asked, as though just realizing the Mountie was there, as they trotted down the steps of the precinct with Diefenbaker at their heels.
         "Are we headed out for a case, Ray." Fraser repeated as they stepped out into the drizzling Chicago rain and headed for Ray's GTO.
         "A case?" Ray repeated glancing once again at the Mountie, then shaking his head as if to clear it.             "Ummm...yah, we're gonna go pick up Rico Demories, we got da warrant we were waitin' on." He showed Fraser the folded paper as they climbed into the classic black car and Ray pulled out of the parking lot. Normally, Fraser suspected Ray would be more cheerful that they had finally managed to get the proof needed to arrest the dope dealer, but the detective was withdrawn and obviously had other things on his mind.
         Fraser didn't want to pry into Ray's personal affairs, even though they were partners and friends, he was always hesitant that his curiosity would get the better of him and he would one day cross the line and anger the detective with his questions. Fraser couldn't help wanting to know everything about Ray, the detective was something of an enigma to the Mountie, opposite the Canadian in many ways, yet they still worked well. Ray was not afraid to show his emotions, whether he was angry or happy, frustrated or touched, he showed these things openly in a way that Fraser envied. The only things Ray did keep to himself was his hurt, whether physical or emotional, he rarely let anyone see past his macho, kick 'em in the head bravado that earned him the reputation of being a loaded pistol with other officers.
        Fraser had seen past Ray's façade however, from the first day he witnessed Ray's uncertainty, his eagerness to make their partnership work, the fear of failure hidden in his steal blue eyes. He knew that most of Ray's hostility was merely a posture to give him the look of a cop who just didn't care, but Fraser had witnessed his new partner's soft heart, and was assured that the detective did indeed care, sometimes too much so.
Only a few times did his friend willingly allow him to see the depth of the person that was Stanley Ray Kowalski, and Fraser treasured those moments. The first time was of course in the crypt, when Ray had confessed his doubts about Stella and his life in general. Why he became a cop, why he married Stella, why he had to find the man he was after that had changed his life so many years ago in a bank robbery.
         The most memorable time was during the Beth Botrelle case, when the detective had broken down in the car after bringing Beth Botrelle home from the prison he felt responsible for sending her to. She had thanked him, thanked the man who could not forgive himself the error that almost cost this woman her life, and it had been too much for Ray. He broke down and cried, his sobs had torn through Fraser more viciously than any knife or bullet wound he had ever sustained and all the Mountie could do was place a reassuring hand on his partner's shoulder and let him cry. Fraser had wanted to do more, felt he should have been more supportive, but it was not in him to do so. Somehow Ray had felt comfort knowing the Mountie had been there for him and had not been ashamed to have lost it in front of his partner, as Ray told him later that evening.
        Now, more than anything he wanted to ask Ray what was wrong, what had put the dark, bleakness in his partner's usually vibrant eyes and seemed to have stolen the fiery energy that Ray always exuded, even when tired. He knew it must have been something Stella had said to him, some piece of news that had knocked Ray for a loop, but he couldn't fathom what that might be. Ray often was momentarily depressed after speaking with his ex-wife, he couldn't help it because he loved her so much and wanted to be with her, but he usually pulled himself out of it rather quickly, but not today. Finally Fraser decided to take the bull by the hoof...was that correct? It didn't matter, it would take him forever to learn all the proper slang and phrases that American's used, it was a wonder he even bothered to try.
         "Forgive me for being intrusive, Ray but is there anything wrong?" He asked quietly. "Did Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski give you a bit of bad news?" Ray glanced at him startled then returned his attention to his driving.
         "Ask me again later, Frase." He requested tiredly. "I can't talk about it right now or I'll never get through da day, y'know?" Fraser nodded.
         "Understood." He allowed gently and Ray offered him a small grateful smile.
         "I knew ya would, buddy." He murmured and Fraser tried to hide his glow of satisfaction. Ray would tell him, Ray knew he could confide in him and to Fraser that was the greatest gift anyone could give him, he would wait until his friend was ready and then, then he would listen and try to help.
 

         Ray and Fraser didn't get a chance to talk the rest of that day, the arrest of Rico Demories turned into a car and foot pursuit that ended with Fraser, Ray and their suspect going through a second story window in a warehouse that Rico had ducked into. Luckily the shipment of eggs that were being unloaded under the window broke most of their fall. Ray struggled through the packages and managed to cuff Rico, who was screaming police brutality, only to have Ray stuff an unbroken egg into the drug dealer's mouth.
        "Suck on dis." He ordered, angrily as Rico tried not to bring his teeth down or choke on the obstruction, while Fraser and he made their way out of the mess of shells and yokes. All three were covered in goo, even Fraser which Ray thought was enormously funny considering nothing ever seemed to stick to the Mountie. When back up arrived they took the suspect into custody, Ray making a comment that he didn't want the Rico the rotten egg stinkin' up his car, then he and Fraser attempted to clean themselves up.
        They returned to the station and were subjected to a variety of chicken and egg jokes, with the assistance of Detective's Dewey and Hewy, but Ray barely acknowledged them as he headed for the precinct's locker room and shower. He always kept a spare set of clothes in his locker, ever since the first day of meeting Fraser when they wound up in Lake Michigan after Vecchio's Rivera was blown up by a performance arsonist stalking them. Fraser also kept a change of civilian clothes there and an extra uniform, for the same reasons.
        Ray peeled off his filthy, sticky clothes and stepped into the small stall, closing the plastic curtain behind him. He lathered shampoo and soap over his hair and body quickly and efficiently, not taking the time out to enjoy the hot water as he usually did, wanting to get finished so Fraser could wash up as well.  However despite his intentions, he did end up lingering under the pulsating spray longer than he had intended. The hot water had rinsed away the majority of his tension and thus caused some of the defenses he had erected to lower as well, producing tears that couldn't come earlier to mingle with the water from the shower.
        "Ray?" Fraser's soft voice intruded and Ray pushed his face further under the spray, unaware that his hands were braced on the wall holding him up. "Are you alright in there?"
        "Be right out." Ray promised hoarsely as he tried to clear his throat and get his emotions under control again. He stepped out a moment later and wrapped a towel around his hips, as he moved past the quiet Mountie watching him intently to his locker, and pulled out a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt. "All yer's buddy." Fraser nodded, having already stripped off his uniform. Fraser gazed at him a moment longer then stepped into the shower and Ray allowed his shoulders to droop with relief, he could only stand up under the Mountie's scrutiny for so long.
        "Hey, Ray?" Dewy called poking his head inside. "Frannie say's there's a phone call from your Dad."
        "Be right there." Ray assured pulling his gray T-shirt over his head and quickly strapping on his shoulder holster, just as Fraser stepped out of the shower and proceeded to get dressed as well. "I got a call, I'll see ya out front." He told the Mountie as he checked his gun and placed it in the holster then shoved on his boots. Fraser nodded and returned to his own task of dressing as the detective left the locker room and headed for his desk. Francesca met him there with a file and surprisingly a smile.
        "Line two." She informed dropping the file in his tray and indicating his hair. "Wanna borrow my dryer?" He grinned and shook his head, running his fingers through his damp locks that he had slicked back away from his face. "I like that look, makes you look kinda sexy."
        "Just kinda, huh?" he smiled as he picked up the phone for his call.
        "Well, being my brother I can't say any more that that." She returned wickedly and sauntered back to her desk, knowing her 'brother' was observing the length of her legs in the tight black mini skirt as she retreated and it gave her a secret thrill to give him the small show.
        "Yah dad?" He greeted into the phone, a hint of surprise in his voice because his parent's rarely called the station, simply because it might compromise his cover as Ray Vecchio.
        "Son, yer Mother's in the hospital." Damien Kowalski announced and Ray shot up in his chair.
        "What?" he demanded worried. "W..what happened? Is she okay? How..."
        "She's with the doctor's now." Damien informed. "They're running some tests but I..I think you should head down here, Raymond."
        "Which hospital?" Ray asked and nodded when his father told him. "We'll be right there."
        "We?" Damien questioned as Ray held the phone between his shoulder and ear as he shrugged into his jacket.
        "Me and Fraser, dad." He stated obviously and heard the disapproval in his Father's pause.
        "Son, I understand the Mountie's your partner but this is a family ,matter and..."
        "Fraser is family Dad." Ray determined soundly, then without giving his father the chance to disagree he announced he'd be there soon and hung up, noticing the Canadian, now dressed in civilian clothes, standing before him with a shocked look on his face. Obviously he had overheard Ray's words to his father and was having trouble digesting them.
        "Ray I..." he began as the detective grabbed his keys and marked his time out on the board.
        "Pitter patter, buddy." He urged as he headed out, assuming Fraser would follow.. "Mum's in da hospital and we gotta get dere." Fraser nodded and called Diefenbaker to him.
        "Is she alright Ray?" he asked concerned, his earlier questions momentarily put aside as they stepped outside the precinct and moved toward the GTO. Ray shook his head as he unlocked the car and Fraser held the seat forward for the wolf to climb inside.
        "Dunno, Dad just told me to get there." Fraser nodded and climbed in beside his partner.
 

        At the hospital Barbara Kowalski had been sedated and was being watched closely, while her husband and son stood outside her room with the doctor. Apparently Mrs. Kowalski had collapsed and Damien had rushed her to the emergency room where they immediately ran tests, to which Ray and Damien were about to hear the results. Fraser stood close enough that Ray would feel his support but far enough away that Mr. Kowalski wouldn't think he was intruding on family affairs.
        "So what's goin' on doc?" Ray demanded quickly. The young man responsible for his Mother's current health lowered his eyes briefly glancing at the woman through the window in the room next to them, then back to Ray and Damien.
        "Has Mrs. Kowalski been to a doctor about her spells and headaches?"
        "Yes." Damien supplied before his son could answer receiving a glaring look from Ray.
        "What spells and headaches?" he questioned suspiciously as his Father avoided his gaze and looked past him to his wife.
        "She didn't want to worry you, Son." He offered quietly. "She knows how protective you get."
        "Protective!" Ray exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me Mum was sick?"
        "She didn't think she was, Raymond." Damien deflected quickly, stepping back slightly from his son's sudden anger. "She's been having these headaches and spells where she couldn't see properly. We took her to Doctor Conners, he's been our family doctor for years and he told her she just needed to get new glasses." Fraser watched Ray's face turn red with fury.
         "Change her glasses?" Ray repeated in disbelief. "How long has she had these spells?" Damien shifted uncomfortably and Fraser almost felt sorry for him.
         "A little over a year now, since before we returned to Chicago."
         "And you didn't bother to go have them checked out before now?" Ray accused.
         "You know your mother and Doctors, Raymond." Damien insisted. "She's as bad as you for going for anything less than life threatening. I tried to get her to go, but she wouldn't and when she did Conners said...."
        "Conners is a general practitioner not a neurologist!" Ray screamed. "He couldn't diagnose a cold for Christ's sake!"
        "Your mother trusts him, son." Damien interceded. "He delivered you and your brother. He's been our doctor for years and..."
        "Why didn't you get a second opinion?" Ray asked.
        "Dr. Conners said he didn't see the need, unless we wanted to just go through the extra expense of having tests run." Ray turned his back on his father and Fraser understood he was trying to reign in his anger before he did or said something he regretted, as Damien looked to the young Doctor again. "What is it, Doctor Brook? What made Barbara collapse?"
        "Mr. Kowalski." Brook began. "We ran a variety of tests and found that there are lesions on your wife's brain." Ray turned back, his face pale as his father stared at the doctor in shock.
        "Lesions?" he whispered. "W..what kind of lesions?"
        "They are the type usually attributed to lung cancer, sir." The Doctor announced sympathetically. "I'm very sorry. We found two spots outside your wife's left lung, relatively small, but with the contributing lesions it lessens her survival chances."
        "What can be done, Doctor?" inquired Fraser, since both Kowalski's had been rendered silent by the news.
        "And you are?" Brook asked.
        "Constable Benton Fraser." The Mountie introduced holding out his hand and allowing the young man to shake it firmly.
        "Are you a relation?" he inquired and Fraser started to shake his head, just as Ray finally spoke.
        "He's my partner, my...my friend." Ray stated softly, each word seemed difficult to produce. "Answer his question." Brook regarded the three men for a moment then continued.
        "There is of course chemo therapy." He offered firmly. "Although with the advanced stage of her condition I honestly do not know how much good it will do. Radiation treatments can sometimes help shrink the lesions and give us a little time to work on the cancer itself, but in cases like this survival is only about fifteen percent."
        "H...How long?" Ray asked his eyes glued to the window that showed the small form of his mother lying pale and sleeping in the hospital bed.
        "On average six months." The doctor stated. "Depending on how she reacts to the treatments it could be longer. If she decided against treatments all together, which some patients do, possibly four months." Ray's legs buckled beneath him at the news as Damien released a soft anguished cry. Fraser managed to catch Ray before he hit the floor and helped him over to a chair, then moved to settle an unsteady Damien as well. Ray hid his face in his hands as Damien attempted to keep from hyperventilating or dissolving into tears. Fraser stayed next to Ray, crouched by his chair with a supportive hand on the detective's shoulder, as he and the doctor waited for both men to compose themselves.
        "Tell us what we need to do." Ray finally managed to say, schooling his features and glancing up at the doctor determined. "How can we help her?"
        "I've already informed her of the diagnosis and she requested time to think it over." He stated. "She did give me permission to tell you, though I suspected she was more worried for you both then for herself." A ghost of a smile formed on Ray's lips.
        "Yah, Mum's like dat.' He agreed softly. Brook nodded.
        "The best thing you can do for her now is just offer her support, regardless of her decision you must show you are in agreement with her."
        "What do you mean regardless of her decision?" Damien demanded suddenly, having finally found his voice. "What decision is there? Of course she'll have the treatment!"
        "Mr. Kowalski." The doctor soothed. "The level of Chemo we would have to administer to your wife is highly aggressive and still somewhat experimental, in some cases the treatment is worse then the cure and unfortunately this may be one of those cases. Your wife understands the risks and that this treatment is in no way a guaranteed cure for the cancer."
        "I don't understand!" Damien exclaimed. "If it won't cure her what's the point?"
        "There is no cure for cancer, currently, Mr. Kowalski." Brook insisted. "The best we can hope for is to limit the spreading of the disease through your wife's body and lengthen her life somewhat from the shorter time the Cancer would give her if it goes un treated." He paused and allowed them to absorb his words for a moment. "Adding to the cancer are the lesions on your wife's brain, which are quite honestly enormous considering the size I am used to dealing with. They are the more urgent problem, because of we can't reduce their size and bring the swelling down on your wife's brain, the pressure could cause one or more of the legions to break , resulting in sudden blindness, loss of speech or even a death."
         "H..her headaches." Damien began. "Were these lesions causing them?" The doctor nodded.
         "Most likely, yes." He admitted. "And had we caught them when they were still relatively small her chances of beating the Cancer would be greatly improved. As they are now, I am quite certain the size of them proves that they have been there for at least two years or so." Ray glared at his Father,  to watch the man shrink under his gaze.
        "I..I didn't know, Son." He murmured brokenly as he continued to shake his head. "I...she wouldn't see anyone but Dr. Conners and he..."
        "You should have told me, Dad." Ray said, a mixture of anger and pain in his voice. "She would have gone for me, don't you understand? I could have gotten her to see someone else if you had only told me, but you shut me out, like you always do." Damien shook his head again and tried to speak, but no words would come forth in the sight of his son's wrath as Ray continued. "I could always get Mum to do things no one else could, she never refused me and you were always jealous of that, weren't you?"
        "Ray." Fraser warned gently, sensing things were about to get too emotionally strained for either man to handle well. "Now isn't the time." Ray cast his father a final scathing and hurt look then turned away.
        "It's never the time, Fraser." He muttered bitterly as he gazed at his Mother lovingly, placing his hand against the glass that separated them. "Everything is always more important than family to Damien Kowalski."
        "Son, that's not true..." his father protested but Fraser shook his head in warning and Damien let the subject drop. The Mountie understood his son better than he did, so perhaps it would be better to not push Raymond for the moment. Fraser moved to stand beside his friend, also gazing at the woman that Ray adored.
        "Looks like she may be waking up." He observed softly, squeezing Ray's shoulder encouragingly. "Why don't you go in and see her?"
        Damien watched his son lean toward the Mountie's touch gratefully and tried to dispel his sudden jealousy at their closeness. It seemed to him that the pair were always touching in one way or another, whenever he saw them, and it made Damien Kowalski wonder of the Canadian's intentions toward his boy. He didn't think Fraser was gay and he knew his son wasn't, Ray had always just been an affectionate person, and he got that from his mother who always showered him with affection. Still, the most Ray ever offered his Father was a firm handshake from time to time and quite honestly Damien sometimes felt uncomfortable about that small amount of touching.
        He didn't understand Ray and was still having a hard time dealing with the fact that his son had dropped out of college and became a police officer instead of taking advantage of the education his parents had worked hard to provide for him. He missed the young boy Ray used to be, the one that loved to go fishing with him and fix up cars and share Saturdays in front of the television watching football, baseball or whatever sport happened to be on.
        Stella had changed him, she had been the one that encouraged him to take up dance lessons, she'd been the one bragging non-stop about how she was going to change the world by becoming a prosecuting attorney and made Ray decide on a career in law enforcement. It must have been her because his Stanley wouldn't have considered such an unappreciated and dangerous line of work without serious coercing from Stella.
        That boy would do anything for his precious Stella, even started going by Ray instead of his given name, because Stella didn't consider Stanley a dignified name. Damien got along well enough with his ex-daughter in law, but he had been secretly relieved when she and Ray divorced. After seeing his son's devastation at loosing Stella, however, Damien became angry with the woman that had changed his precious boy so drastically then dropped him to pursue a career. She and Barbara got on well, his wife still hoped Stella and her son would reconcile, but Damien knew she was no good for Ray and it would be better if she stayed away.
         "Dad?" Damien glanced up startled to find his son watching him concerned. He could never get used to the way Ray's moods changed so quickly. A moment ago he was mad enough to spit nails, now the detective had a troubled but tender expression on his face as he knelt by his father's chair, his hand surprisingly resting on Damien's knee.
         "Yes, Son?" he returned just as softly, his eyes lingering over Ray's face, thinking how much he looked like Barbara.
         "Mum wants to see you." Ray informed as he lowered his eyes from his Father's scrutiny and noticed the hand he had rested against his Father's leg. He started to pull away and was surprised when Damien's hand covered it with a firm-reassuring squeeze.
         "Let's go see her then, son." He opted as he stood and released Ray's hand, also lowering his gaze from his son's probing eyes. Fraser watched both men walk into Barbara Kowalski's room, offering Ray a smile of encouragement when the detective paused to pat Fraser's arm, a simple gesture that said thanks for being here, then followed his Father inside.
 

         "Oohhh." Barbara Kowalski moaned as Ray settled her in her bed and pulled the covers around her. "It hurts, Stanley." Ray bit his lip and retrieved her bag of medication, she was on so many different pills Ray suspected they could open their own pharmacy, yet the doctors assured her she needed all of them. Steroids to keep the lesions from swelling, pills to fought nausea, pills for her Chemo, pills to help her sleep, pills to help her pain, pills, pills and more pills! He found her painkillers and poured her a glass of water from the pitcher they kept on her nightstand, then helped her to drink. After three tries she still couldn't get the even one of the pills down and Ray offered to crush them for her.
         She had been on Chemo and Radiation treatments for the past six weeks and was in constant pain it seemed to Ray. His mother could keep no solid food down and complained that everything she ate or drank tasted like metal, a common side effect from the chemo according to the doctors. He, Damien and Fraser had tried every type of liquid, but they all tasted the same to her and they worried she would get dehydrated if she continued to refuse to drink. Her gag reflex seemed to be working over time, so that the smallest morsel past her lips caused her to become nauseated and want to throw it back up.
         "Here we go." Ray announced returning with the crushed pills on a spoon with a bit of strawberry jam mixed in and Barbara smiled when she saw it.
         "I used to give you your medicine that way." She reminisced and Ray offered her a warm smile.
         "Yep." He agreed as he sat next to her and held the spoon to her lips. "Want me to do the airplane?" She chuckled weakly and shook her head, opening her mouth and taking the spoonful of medication. It took her a few swallows but she finally managed to get it down and Ray offered her a few more sips of water. "Good girl." He teased and she smiled at him again as he settled her carefully back against the pillows.
         "Thank you Stanley." She sighed reaching across the comforter and grasping her son's larger hand in hers. "I hate being such a bother." Ray leaned over and kissed her forehead affectionately.
         "Yer never a bother, yer my Mum." He stated simply and she blinked back her tears.
         "Do you think it's working, Sweetheart?" she asked quietly. "The treatments?" Ray smiled encouragingly and caressed her cheek.
         "If anyone can beat dis, Mum, it's you." He assured and she smiled relieved.
         "Then we'll beat it." She decided and allowed him to settle her back against the many pillows she was forced to sleep on because if she laid flat she couldn't breathe properly. Ray leaned in to give her a kiss and she had already started to doze off.
         "You'll be fine, Mum." He whispered softly as he caressed her hair gently, trying not to show his distress when his hand came away with a handful of his mother's graying locks.
 

         "I like that one, dear." Barbara commented as the sales lady showed her a variety of colorful turbans. Stella smiled and selected the pale baby blue one and handed it to her ex-Mother in law.
         "It's very pretty." She agreed as Barbara inspected the material. "And so soft."
         "It stretches to accommodate different sizes." The sales lady offered kindly as Barbara fitted it over the scarf she currently wore.
         "Its very becoming." Stella approved as the clerk tilted the mirror so Barbara could see herself.
         "Hmmm." She deliberated. "I just don't know." She removed the turban and selected another one in forest green. "This one is pretty too and it's Stanley's favorite color." Stella shook her head and scowled.
         "You're the one who will be wearing them, Mom." She reminded. "Not Ray." Barbara gave her a probing look and tried on the turban.
         "I like green too, Stella." She returned decisively. "You're always picking on my Stanley." Stella sighed at the age-old argument she knew was coming. "You know you were both meant to be together I don't understand..."
         "Please, Mom." She pleaded. "Let's not start that now. We're here to have a fun day shopping, remember?" Barbara nodded and selected the blue, a soft pink one and the green, which she decided she would wear over her scarf for the time being, unwilling to remove the wrapping in public; she was still very self conscious of her lack of hair.
         Barbara was having a good day today, not over tired as she had been and hardly any nausea at all. It had been almost three months now and she had started to feel like her old self, except when she tried to sleep. She had such terrible pain and trouble breathing at times she settle for dozing on and off in the recliner in the living room most times, a quilt wrapped firmly around her by either her son or her husband.
         "Where to next then?" Barbara asked brightly and Stella smiled at the reprieve as the sales woman rang up their purchases.
         "Do you think you could eat something?" Stella suggested, hopefully and Barbara nodded.
         "I think I might swallow a bite of ice cream or two." She admitted and Stella laughed. Ice cream seemed to be the one thing that the older woman could eat and if that was what it took to put weight on her all too thin frame, Stella would buy her all the ice cream she would eat. They stopped at a small café in the mall, each deciding on a cone as they settled in a small table.
         "Who is dis magnificent looking vision before me?" a familiar voice inquired and both woman glanced up from their conversation just as Ray knelt next to his mother and took her free hand in both of his. "Say you'll run away and marry me or Goddess of my heart." Barbara laughed delighted at her son's shanagins and  leaned forward to kiss his cheek adoringly.
         "You silly thing." She scolded lightly, her face glowing as she stared down at the man who would always be her darling baby boy. She smiled up as Fraser greeted them as well and raised her cheek for the Mountie's dutiful kiss. "We've been shopping." She indicated her new turban. "Do you like it? It's in your favorite color, Stanley." Ray smiled at her.
         "It makes you look like Royalty, Mum." He offered gently, his gaze flicking toward Stella, who was unusually quiet. "Hey Stell."
         "Ray." She returned coolly. "Constable Fraser. What brings you too boys here-not enough bad guys on the streets that you're bagging shoplifters now?"
         "Dat's real funny Stella." Ray returned sarcastically. "I'll have ta write dat one down, Fraser remind me ta write dat down, will ya?"
         "Stop it both of you." Barbara demanded and both Stella and Ray bowed their heads in penance. "Why can't you both be civil to each other? You love one another so much and all you care about is hurting each other."
         "I'm sorry, Mum." Ray offered quickly, not wanting to her to get upset. "I'm a jerk, Stella knows dat so she gives me a hard time. Please don't get upset over it."
         "Stanley you are not a jerk." She determined exasperated. "I'd give you both a good spanking if I was feeling better." Stella smiled as Ray took a bite of his mother's ice cream, which she waved in front of him. " Why are you here?"
         "Ray and I were called in to investigate a robbery at Coles Jewelry store on the upper level." Fraser explained as Ray straightened to his feet.
         "Will you be over for dinner tonight?" she asked them both and Ray shook his head.
         "We're workin' late tonight Mum." He stated as his phone rang. "Vecchio."
         "I can't get used to him answering his phone like that." Barbara confided to Fraser and Stella as her son moved away slightly to hear the caller better.
         "Ray loves undercover assignments." Stella confirmed wryly. "He doesn't have to deal with his real life that way." Fraser actually glared at her and she returned his gaze startled by the hostility.
         "Ray's real life, despite it's problems, is exactly what he is dealing with, Ms. Kowalski." He concluded boldly. "Wouldn't you agree?" Stella glanced at Barbara whose attention was still drawn to her son, and finally she nodded. Ray had more than enough on his plate then to have her bitchiness added to it, and he was dealing with it. Stella had never seen a son more devoted to his mother as Ray was to Barbara and shame burned within her for having to be reminded by the Canadian of what was Ray's current reality.
          "Gotta  go catch some bad guys, Mum." The detective announced returning to the table and bending down to give his mother a quick hug.
         "You be careful sweetheart." She ordered and Ray gave her a reassuring smile.
         "See you later." He promised as Fraser tipped his hat to them.
         "Ladies." He offered and moved too follow Ray, but was pulled back by Barbara for a brief hug as well.
         "You take care of my boy, Benton." She requested kissing his cheek
affectionately. "I want you both safe."
         "I'll do my best, Ma'am." He promised softly.
         "Pitter patter, buddy, com'ahn." Ray reminded and they were off.
         "Ray?" Stella called out suddenly, rising from the table and watching her ex-husband turn in surprise. "Be careful out there." Ray stared at her for a long moment, then smiled and nodded.
         "You too, Stell." He returned, then jogged to catch up with Fraser, who had stopped up ahead too wait on him. Barbara reached across the table to grasp Stella's hand fondly and the women shared a smile.

 
         "Stanley! Damien!" Barbara called from the bedroom and Fraser rose from his perch on the sofa and moved toward the room. He paused just inside the doorway. "Stanley?"
         "They went to the store for some groceries, Mrs. Kowalski He explained gently to the forlorn woman nestled in the bed under dozens of extra blankets. She always complained of the cold, the doctors mentioned it was because she had so little body fat left that there was hardly any insulation left between her and the elements, so they made sure to keep her bundled up. The treatments lowered her immune system so drastically that she could catch phnemonia from a small cold or chill. "Can I be of any assistance?"
         "I...I don't know." Barbara looked away distressed. "I need my husband..I...I need Stanley to help me." Fraser moved further into the room, sympathetic to her distress and embarrassment.
         "They aren't here, Ma'am." He repeated. "Are you sure I cannot help?" She glanced at him, her lower lip quivered and she lowered her eyes again.
         "I...I feel so...so helpless." She sobbed and Fraser moved closer still, then he understood why she was so ashamed, as the distinct scent of urine reached his nostrils.
         "It isn't your fault." He assured softly reaching out a hand to her. "Let me help you."
         "You won't tell them, will you?" she cried frightened and Fraser shook his head.
         "Of course not." He moved toward the connecting bathroom and turned on the faucets, adjusting the temper to steady warmth, then returning to the bedroom and pulling back the covers.
         "I feel so silly." She moaned as Fraser wiped her eyes with a tissue, then lifted her from the bed. He tried not to show his own distress over how little she seemed to weigh and he could feel each and every one of the bones on her thin frame pressing against his fingers. He wanted to hold her and somehow absorb all her embarrassment and pain, but he didn't have the ability to do that and he felt as just as helpless that he could not help her fight this debilitating disease.
         "It isn't your fault." He reminded setting her carefully on her feet and allowing her to brace herself with the sink, as he pulled away her sodden nightgown and under garments. He schooled his features as he tried hard not to stare at the flesh that seemed to be literally hanging off of the older woman before him, offering no padding of any kind to mar the illusion of the frail bones beneath it. God, she looked like someone from a prison death camp that had been whipped and starved for months. Her once flushed pink skin was labeled with dark purple and blue bruises, some possibly acquired simply by tossing and turning in her bed, since she had nothing to protect her from any kind of firm surface.
         "Thank you Stanley." She sighed as he settled her into the water, a foam cushion under her to keep further bruising from the surface of the hard ceramic tub. He smiled, not bothering to correct her and handed her a sponge and some soap as he went to change the sheets.
         She often made the mistake of calling him by her son's name, or sometimes she'd even called him a name he'd never heard of, such as Rodney or Chad, perhaps people in her past. Sometimes she called Ray by his Father's name, once or twice she called Ray Benton.
         Fraser placed the soiled sheets in a bag he would carry to the laundry room in Ray's building and sprayed the mattress with Febreeze and disinfectant, then turned it over to let it dry and placed clean sheets over the clean side of the mattress. He returned to the bathroom to check on Mrs. Kowalski, who was sitting there shivering miserably in the tub, already she had grown chilled and so he carefully lifted her out, wrapped a large towel around her and carried her back to bed. He had her dressed, in a clean night gown and sleeping soundly when Ray and his Father returned a few moments later. Fraser choose to honor his promise to Mrs. Kowalski and not speak of what had occurred, when they asked how she was doing.
 
 

         "I remember when you used to crawl into bed with me late at night, when yer Dad was gone and you were having nightmares and seeing monsters in yer closets." Barbara remarked fondly, as Ray gave her the required medication and settled her in the bed. His Father had decided to run a few errands while Ray was around to care for his Mother. It seemed Barbara spent most of her time in bed now, it was getting increasingly difficult for her to move about on her own and so she elected to stay in bed despite her family's probing to be up and about. Ray was sensing she was becoming depressed and found she was dwelling on the past at every opportunity, yet he would listen to her stories each and every time with patience, for she often didn't remember that she had told him the same ones earlier in the day. The Chemo effects lasted longer with the more recent treatments and his Mother no longer cooked or bothered to try and live a normal life. They all tried to help her, but aside from yelling at her to either get up and keep living or lay down and die; which Ray was frustrated enough to do at the moment, there was little that they could say to change her mind.
         "Well, I couldn't when Dad was here he never let me." Ray defended, deciding to keep her talking and possibly lift her spirits more. "Always told me I was a big boy and shouldn't be holdin' on ta my Mum's apron strings." Barbara started to laugh, but ended up coughing so Ray gave her some more water.
         "But you were still just a baby." She protested. "You were frightened and..."
         "Wanna know a secret, Mum?" Ray asked suddenly and she nodded intrigued. "I never saw monsters in my closet and only some of the time did I actually have nightmares."
         "Then why did you tell me you had?" she demanded surprised and he grinned sheepishly.
         "I liked sleepin' with you, ya always let me cuddle up to you and ya were always so warm and soft and smelled nice." He shrugged. "I guess I was a Mama's Boy." Barbara chuckled again and pulled him to her, enfolding him in her arms and settling his head against her breast. She had to sleep propped up on three or four pillows because she found it difficult to breathe otherwise, and it seemed to add to her own softness.
         "You can sleep with yer ol' Mum any time you want, my sweet boy." She promised soothing her fingers over Ray's hair lovingly. Ray snuggled against her, pulling his legs up beside hers and twisting so he wasn't actually lying on her and draped an arm tenderly around her waist.
         "I love you Mum." He whispered against her and felt her smile.
         "I love you Stanley." She sighed sleepily, the pills finally taking effect. "My sweet Stanley."

 
         Damien glanced in at his son and wife sleeping soundly in the large bed and felt once again the pain and loss of having not gotten to know the kind of man his son had grown into. Ray was certainly the one keeping things together since they had found out about Barbara's illness, Damien hadn't known what to do. He and Ray took turns driving Barbara for her treatments, which wasn't very far since they had gotten permission to stake their trailer in Ray's apartment building lot from his landlady, and the hospital was only a few blocks away.
         Ray stopped in every morning to see his mother before he left for work an in the beginning Barbara was usually waiting with breakfast for him, except on the days she had Chemo and the very next day following, when she would still be too ill to get out of bed.  Originally Ray and Damien had tried to get her to rest more but she said she looked forward to cooking for her son, it gave her a sense of normality and she loved that she got to see him more now. Many times she would have dinner waiting for him and Fraser as well, much to Damien's discomfort. He didn't think she should be doing so much and he still was not entirely comfortable around the Mountie, despite Fraser's obvious attempts to win him over. The last month or so however Barbara seemed to be giving up, spending most of her time in her bed and not wanting to do anything but sleep, because sleep was a release from her pain and discomfort.
        Now, the Mountie was at his door looking for his son, who was supposed to meet him and discuss a case and that was when Damien found Ray and his mother asleep. He had stepped out to run some errands while Ray was taking care of Barbara and neglected to check on Barbara when he returned, he had assumed she was sleeping and didn't want to wake her by opening the door. Then Fraser arrived looking for Ray and Damien had gone to ask his wife if she had seen their son.
        "Raymond." He whispered gently shaking his son awake, hoping he didn't bolt up as he sometimes did when first roused. Instead, as if sensing the fragile woman lying next to him, Ray's eyes opened quickly at the sound of his Father's voice, but he stilled his body from any sudden movements. "Yer Mounties here, Son." Ray blinked then carefully unfolded himself from the bed and the warmth of his mother's arms, trying not to wake her.
        "His name's Fraser, Dad." Ray whispered back, knowing full well that his Father knew his partner's name. Damien avoided the comment and asked.
        "How was she today?"
        "A trooper as always." Ray sighed tiredly. "She was in a lot of pain when we got back so I gave her a couple of pain pills, had to crush 'em for her she couldn't swallow them hole." Damien nodded and pulled the cover closer around his wife's shoulders.
        "Doctor say anything about the swelling going down?" he inquired as the quietly left the room and closed the door.
        "He said the lesions have gone down some, not as much as they hoped, she'll have to continue with the radiation, but he said she should be able to go to the pills for her Chemo for the majority of her treatments for now." Ray informed solemnly. "Dr. Brook said we have to get her up and walking around or what muscel ability she does have will stop working from lack of use and she won't be able to get up on her own at all." Damien nodded and sighed as Ray waved at Fraser who stood waiting for them in the living room, still in his red serge. "Hey, Fraser, sorry fer standin' ya up." Fraser offered him a small smile.
        "Perfectly alright, Ray." He assured as Damien pulled out a cigar from his box by the recliner and started to light it. "How is your mother doing?" Ray didn't answer him, instead Fraser watched his partner snatch the cigar and lighter from his Father's hands.
        "If yer gonna smoke that junk take it outside." He ordered and Damien stared at him indignantly.
        "This is my house, Raymond." He reminded coolly. "I'll do as I like in my own home
         "Dis is Mum's home too." Ray countered belligerently. "You remember her don't cha, the woman in the bedroom dyin' of lung cancer?" Damien paled.
        "Yer mother never smoked in her life and I never..." he sputtered frightened and Ray gathered his emotions tighter around him, fighting the urge to say what was on his mind, to allow the anger through.
        "Please, Dad." He finally managed benevolently. "I'm sorry I just...I just think you should smoke outside for now, no sense adding to da trouble, okay?"
        "Son," Damien began as Ray lowered his eyes. "If I started to smoke outside yer Mother would notice and she'd think I was fussing over her condition. She wants us to treat her like normal."
        "Tell her I asked you to do it, den." Ray offered and watched his Father frown.
        "You must think yer some kinda special if you think just because I have your blessing she'll approve it." He griped. "Your Mum is still her own person, Raymond, she isn't completely manipulated by you." Ray glared at him.
        "I do not manipulate Mum." He defended angrily. "I just...."
        "What do you call her cleaning your apartment and ironing your laundry and..."
        "I don't ask her to do any of those things!" Ray exclaimed then lowered his voice as he remembered the woman sleeping in the other room. "I've tried to get her not to do dem but she won't listen she..."
        "That's right, she does as she likes without any coercion from us." Damien decided firmly, glad to finally get a point out with his son. Ray stared at him, started to speak a few times then closed his mouth with a snap and tossed the lighter and cigar angrily onto the table next to them.
        "Damien! Stanley!" Barbara Kowalski's voice rang out from behind them and all three men turned startled to find the object of their discussion standing in the door or her bedroom, braced against the archway, her bathrobe wrapped loosly around her and her pink turban on. Ray and Damien moved toward her automatically, both men speaking simultaneously.
        "Mum you shouldn't be up."
        "Honey you should be resting." She waved both of them back and indicated Fraser, who had been standing by the front door, uncomfortably watching the heated exchange.
        "Who can rest with the both of you at each other's throats?" she demanded. "Besides you have both been after me to get my butt out of bed, so quit complaining." She gripped the door frame weakly and motioned to Fraser. "Come here please, Benton." All three men exchanged a puzzled glance but Fraser moved quickly to her side, offering his arm politely to help steady her. "Help me to the sofa dear."
Fraser carefully led her to the sofa and settled her and Ray fetched a blanket for her legs, since she seemed to catch chill much easier now that she was ill. She snatched the quilt from her son and spread it herself then patted the space beside her for Fraser to sit. "I'd like to apologize for my son and husband, Benton. They never have gotten on well,  I suspect because they're entirely too much alike."
        "We are not!"
        "In a pigs eye!" Barbara sent both men a scolding look for their comments.
        "Out, both of you." She ordered to their chagrin. "I wish to speak with Benton." Both looked like they were about to protest, then decided that had better not push it and stepped outside the trailer as Barbara turned her attention back to Fraser.
        "I wonder if you might bring me some of that bark tea on your next visit, I managed to get that down better than anything else I've tried and the doctor said I am getting too dehydrated." Fraser offered her a warm smile.
        "I would be happy to bring you some, Mrs. Kowalski." He agreed, delighted that she had finally risen form her bed of her own accord, and she patted his hand affectionately.
        "None of that." She decided. "You've been such a great help to me and my Stanley, you must call me either Barbara or Mum, whichever you're more comfortable with. " Fraser lowered his eyes for a moment.
        "Thank you kindly, Mrs...Barbara." He amended and she smiled. "May I make a suggestion regarding your liquid intake?" She nodded intrigued. "Well, my superior officer, Inspector Thatcher has a friend who has also been diagnosed with Cancer and she had the same problem with keeping things down. She discovered that regular orange soda became her salivation, though she had to drink it non carbonated or flat so it didn't irate her throat."
        "Thank you Benton." Barbara offered pleased. "I'll have to try that. Has your Inspector's friend had the Cancer long?" Fraser nodded.
        "She had it two years ago but she is currently in remission."
        "Good for her, I hope I am as lucky." She remarked and Fraser's expression softened.
        "As do I ma'am." He admitted. "The Vecchio's and Inspector Thatcher asked that I inform you that you are in their prayers." Barbara blinked back her tears and squeezed his hand.
        "May I ask you a favor, Benton?" she asked quietly. "I know we haven't known each other very long but..."
        "Anything you wish if I may be of service to you." He returned kindly and she smiled.
        "I'm not kidding myself here, I know my chances of beating this thing is slim at best," she admitted. Still I'm hopeful I will receive a miracle and I will fight it to the last."
        "I know you will." Fraser agreed quietly and she nodded.
        "I...I can see that you and Stanley are very close and I understand when your other friend returns that Stanley will no longer be your partner."
        "Your son may not always be my partner, Barbara." Fraser allowed. "But he will always be my friend, regardless of whatever else happens. I owe him too much not to allow our friendship to continue."
        "You owe him, but do you really care for him, Benton?" she prodded. "I..I know that isn't really my business, but I have to know if you feel...just a duty to my son or if it is something real." Fraser thought for a moment, choosing his words carefully as always.
        "Ray is...." He paused again, it was so difficult to describe what he felt for his friend, and it was just there encompassing him. "Ray is probably the most intriguing person I have ever met. He has so many different personas it seems a task to learn which is the real Ray, then you learn that they all are in very special and unique ways. I cannot imagine my life without Ray in it, without having his brightness to push back my own inner darkness. I have learned a great deal from him, I am still learning and I envy his...his ability to let people know how he feels. I find it difficult to do so but he is teaching me little by little to let go of my fears and my need for control." He paused a moment, his eyes wandering to a picture of partner in his dress blues, displayed on the hutch across from them. "My other Ray, Ray Vecchio is very much a stable persona, he is predictable, often solemn and confident, very much unlike your son, but I value his friendship as well." He shook his head, words failing him.
        "You love him?" Barbara  suggested and Fraser lowered his gaze.
        "I...care deeply for them both." He countered softly. "I do not know where my feelings of friendship ends and love begins, the feelings are just there." Barbara nodded. "What was it you wanted to ask of me?"
        "I was going to ask you to take care of my Stanley." She stated decidedly. "In case I...well if the Cancer wins I know my baby will take it very hard and I don't want him to keep his grief bottled up inside." She shook her head. "He's so much like Damien, neither wanting to show the other when they're hurting then afraid to show when the care. I know my Stanley, he'll keep it to himself like he did with Stella and he'll allow it to eat him up inside."
        "I'll do my best to be there for him." Fraser promised and she smiled.
        "I know you will, you were there for him when he heard about the news of Stella's engagement too, weren't you?" she asked. "I could tell because he seemed to be okay with it when I saw him at the hospital, so you must have helped him talk it out." Fraser tried to hide his shock. Ray had said nothing about his ex-wife remarrying, was that the news Stella had delivered that had caused Ray so much anguish that day in the precinct? Had made him break down and sob in the shower, when Fraser walked into the locker room and heard his friend's soft cries. Ray had pretended nothing was wrong when he emerged to give Fraser a turn at the shower.
         The detective had never gotten around to telling him what had upset him so, as he'd promised and frankly Fraser had forgotten about it until now, because it was the same day Ray got the call about his mother being in the hospital. After that he doubted his partner had any time to dwell on Stella with his Mother's illness taking up what little free time he had.  Stella had even stopped by regularly, according to Barbara, but always when Ray wouldn't be there, like during his working hours, so they never saw each other. Had Ray been grieving for two people and not told him? He would have to remedy that, for he had noticed the detective was looking tired and pale lately.
        "Can we come in now?" Ray called from the door and his mother laughed, waving them inside. "Let's go Fraser, we were gonna talk about dat case."
        "Certainly Ray." Fraser agreed rising as Damien settled next to his wife.
        "Boy, my son barks and you jump, hey?" he commented, receiving a slap on the shoulder from his wife and a glare from his son. Fraser merely eyed him unconcerned, he was honestly tired of trying to win this man's approval for the sake of his friend.
        "Ray is my partner and my friend and I trust him to know that whatever he asks of me is justifiable." He stated remembering Ray's words to his father over the phone, referring to Fraser as his family. "Isn't that what family is all about, Sir?" Barbara hid her smile behind her hand, Ray chose to show his amusement and grinned broadly as Damien shifted uncomfortably next to his wife and looked away from the Mountie, who now addressed Barbara. "I will bring you that bark tea tomorrow and remember what I suggested about the soda."
        "Thank you Benton." Barbara returned sweetly as she accepted a goodbye kiss from her son, then raised her cheek to the Mountie as Ray straightened. "May I have a kiss from you too? I can never get too much affection, I'm like my son." Fraser smiled and bent to kiss her cheek tenderly, ignoring Damien's scowl of disapproval, choosing instead to raise an eyebrow at his partner who put up a warning hand.
        "She's joking, Fraser." He assured. "Do not even think of kissin' me-da buddy breathin' thing still gives me nightmares." Barbara laughed and even Damien cracked a smile, having heard the tale of the adventure on the Mackenzie.
        "You have nightmares from almost drowning, Ray." Fraser amended, his blue eyes alight with mischief.  "Surely not from me kissing you." Ray's eyes grew wide at Fraser's teasing.
        "You said..." he began but Fraser was already ushering him out the door after a polite goodbye to Ray's parents, who was laughing as both men took their leave.
Ray gave him a playful shove the moment they were out the door and headed across the lot to Ray's apartment.
        "Yer gonna get me in trouble wit da folks, dere, Fraser." He warned as they entered Ray's building and headed up the stairs.
        "No more than usual I would imagine." Fraser returned calmly as they walked down the hallway to Ray's apartment and Ray grinned. "After all, you were the one who brought up kissing, Ray."  Ray inserted the key into his door and turned the lock, knocking the door open with a gentle push.
        "Har de har wise guy- ya know dat wasn't what I meant." He watched Fraser close the door behind them and regarded the Mountie suspiciously for a long moment. "You did say dat was normal procedure, right?"
        "Of course, Ray." Fraser offered easing his friend's sudden doubts but finding amusements inn them at the same time. "All Mounties know how to kiss Ray." Ray nodded then his brain processed the other man's words more clearly and he turned on him.
        "Fraser!:" he exclaimed frustrated. "Quit kiddin' around! You said nothin...changed, you did I heard you and..."
        "Relax Ray." Fraser smiled letting his friend off the hook. "I am only teasing. Buddy Breathing is a form of CPR recommended in all types of medical training." He watched Ray's shoulder's sag with relief as he moved into the kitchen and retrieved soda's for them both.
        "Don't do dat, buddy." He sighed. "I'm wound tighter dan a drum and ya all of a sudden decide ta get a sense of humor, it ain't funny. I started ta think somethin' had changed and..."
        "Well, something did change, Ray." Fraser interrupted settling on a stool as his partner passed a soda to him over the breakfast counter. Ray glared at him.
        "What changed Fraser?" he demanded, obviously not in the mood to be teased any longer.
        "We decided to remain partners, developed a better understanding of each other." Fraser stated calmly. "We confirmed that there is a time for logic and a time for instinct and not always do either work all of the time." Ray relaxed again and nodded, allowing a smile to form on his lips.
        "Yah, I guess we did at that, hey Buddy?" he agreed.
        "I believe so, Ray." Fraser offered sipping his drink. "May I ask you something?" Ray shrugged, his signal to go ahead. "Was it Stella's engagement that caused you so much distress that day at the precinct?" Ray stared at him for a long moment then grabbed his soda and moved to the phone.
        "I'm hungry, ya wanna order a pizza?" Fraser played with the tab on his can thoughtfully, knowing if he waited long enough Ray would quit dodging the original question. "I think I'll order one, Mum's got me spoiled on her cooking, I hardly ever get to act like a pig anymore and eat somethin' hot, greasy and full a calories." Still Fraser was silent, but remained watchful as Ray placed the call and ordered their pizza. Finally Ray hung up and glared at him. "Quit wit the Mountie stare already!"
        "I don't understand what you mean, Ray." Fraser defied and received a harder glare from his partner.
        "Dat look you get when ya think I should be either doin' or tellin' ya somethin' I don't feel like doin' or tellin'." Ray accused. "Da same one ya give me when ya think I'm steppin' over da line wit a suspect or when I refuse ta see a different point of view or when I sneak a doughnut to Dief on occasion." Fraser bit the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling; did he have a look that did all that? How interesting, he was multi-talented and didn't even know it.
        "That's just silly, Ray." He opted for his usual line and when Ray's eyes rolled upward he knew he had made the correct choice. Like taking candy from a baby sometimes, other times the volatile detective exploded and they ended up arguing, but he sensed Ray was more exasperated with him that frustrated, his frustration was what always led him to anger quickly.
        "Where is Dief by the way?" Ray asked suddenly, again  successfully avoiding Fraser's first question.
        "I decided he should stay home this evening, he got into a cake Turnbull was preparing for Inspector Thatcher's dinner party and I felt he needed to be punished.
        "What spending the day with Thatcher and Turnbull isn't punishment enough?" Ray taunted. "Ya had to deny him my divine presence as well?" Fraser smirked, knowing the wolf looked forward to seeing the detective each and every day.
        "Yes, well, he did eat and entire three tier cake and I don't think even you would want the remains of that cake, once it truly is digested, to be all over your furniture; which is prone to happen when Diefenbaker gorges himself." Ray grimaced as Fraser knew he would.
        "Ah...good point dere, Benton, buddy." Ray decided as they moved to the sofa and settled down beside each other comfortably.
        "So, are you ready to tell me yet?" Fraser inquired once again taking a sip of his soda, then setting it in the table next to Ray's.
        "Yes." Ray sighed defeated, as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Fraser was like a dog with a bone sometimes, and he had promised to talk to him about it he just never got the chance with his mothers sudden illness. "Stell's gettin' married to some hot shot lawyer in a couple of months, they're honeymooning in Acapulco before buying a house here in da bay area." Fraser frowned, watching his friend concerned.
        How could Stella be so cruel as to even mention a honeymoon and buying a house to Ray, a man who still loved her so very much. He could understand Ray's distress, what he had probably been thinking when Stella had told him. A house meant they would probably be starting a family, something Stella had refused Ray and eventually divorced him over. No wonder the detective had been so distraught and the urge to swear almost overwhelmed Fraser at his unkind thoughts of the woman that seemed to be constantly hurting his friend.
        "Are you okay? " he asked quietly and Ray nodded.
        "Just tired, buddy. " He sighed. "Just really tired. " Fraser nodded and sat quietly, allowing his partner to drift off to sleep before carefully positioning him more comfortably on the sofa and pulling a quilt over him.
 

         "I'm afraid the Cancer has moved to her throat. " Doctor O'Neil informed Damien and Ray quietly, as they sat in the small office across from him.
         "I thought she was in remission! " Ray protested. His Mother had been eating regularly, going for walks, gaining weight, back to her old self. He couldn't understand how she could be getting sicker, as they had decided to stop the treatments a little over a month ago. The Doctor shook his head grimly.
         "I don't believe she was." He denied. "We did stop the treatments to see if her own immune system would start to build up again but the Cancer took advantage of that time and spread. The steroids and radiation we were giving her have not helped to thin out the legions, but we can try a more aggressive form of radiation and of course the Chimo will also have to be heightened..." Ray bolted from his chair angrily.
         "The last bout of Chimo almost killed her!" he exclaimed furious. "You can't honestly mean to put her back to that again? "
         "It's the only way..." the doctor began but Damien cut him off.
        "What are her chances without the Chimo? " he asked quietly and Ray stared at him in disbelief, he knew the Chimo-as bad as it was the only chance his Mother had of surviving the cancer.
         "Without further treatments the cancer would spread even more rapidly, I would estimate a couple of months at best, I am sorry"
         "Dad she has to take the Chimo. " Ray protested. "There's no other way...."Damien stood and turned to his son.
         "Your Mother and I discussed this, Raymond. " He informed firmly. "She said if the Cancer came back that she didn't want to go through the treatments again-it's just to hard on her son. "
         "You discussed this? " Ray repeated outraged. "Where the hell was I when you had this discussion? "
         "Raymond you..."
         "You're going to let her die, just like that? " he screamed. "Without a fight you're going to let her give up?"
         "Son I..."
         "Dad how could you? " Ray wasn't listening, all he could feel was his parents betrayal at keeping this from him. "You decided without even asking me what I thought? She's my Mother! "
         "And she's my wife damnit! " Damien exclaimed his own anger rising. "Like it or not, son, you are not part of this equation. Your Mother is the one to make the decision and the only person she really has to consult is me, her husband-you have no say in the matter. " Ray reeled back against the wall as though he had been stuck and stared at his Father in shock.
         "Go to hell. " He finally hissed, grabbing his jacket and storming out, despite his Father's calling for him to return. Damien Kowalski stared after his son's departing back, unaware of the tears chorusing down his cheeks.

         Ray parked next to the abandoned building and sat quietly in his car for a long moment before finally getting out and walking along the pier, his hands shoved in the pockets of his leather jacket. The water made a soft soothing rhythmic sound as it lapped against the dock pillars below him and his boots echoed in the empty darkness around him. A cold breeze pulled in off the water but he did not feel it's icy touch, even as it pulled at his hair and the collar of his jacket, for his mind was elsewhere and his body already numb from a cold much worse than that of a north wind.
         Even the sounds of the city in the evening were lost to him, for he had abandoned the ability to feel hours ago, when it was still daylight, and he had walked out of the hospital. His Father's words echoing in his head as a painful reminder of all he had lost. He had driven aimlessly throughout the city, until he had ended up here. He didn't know what to do, didn't know where to turn, so all he could do was walk as the rage and frustration inside him continued to swell.
         Suddenly he spotted a small piece of metal piping and bent to retrieve it. He hefted it tightly in his hands then wildly lashed out with it at the thing closest to him, a window of one of the buildings. He hit at it again and again, over and over until there was nothing left then he struck the wall, the drainpipe another window. He smashed the crates stacked around him; anything and everything he could physically damage until his anger was finally spent and he dropped to his knees and allowed the pipe to slip from his hands.
         "Why? " he sobbed raising his eyes to the stars above him. "WHY! " His tortured scream echoed for blocks, causing the few people out and about to turn their heads in wonder.
 

         "Mum, you have to eat! " Ray sighed exasperated as he held the spoon to his mother's mouth, but she turned away belligerently. She was becoming more and more difficult to deal with as her temper was short and the added pressure of having to depend on others caused her to be sullen and unresponsive. No one could blame her really, since she had decided to stop the treatments the Cancer had indeed attacked her full force, sapping her energy and confining her to a bed or wheel chair. She could no longer go to the bathroom by herself, she had little control over her bladder and other bodily functions, she was down to a mere eighty three pounds and she tended to babble in coherently at phantoms only she seemed to be witness to.
         Ray had moved into the mobile home and taken a leave of absence to help his Father care for Barbara, which was now a full time job. They both agreed not to put her into palliative care until the very last moment, choosing the difficult task of taking care of all her needs themselves. Although they had a great amount of love and support, the task drained both of them enormously. Fraser, Stella, and Frannie spelled the two men regularly, allowing them to catch a few hours sleep or a shower and a bite to eat. Barbara Kowalski had lost the ability to speak, because of the cancer in her throat, and her frustration and not being understood or unable to communicate with those around her took its toll on all of them.
         "Am I gonna have ta do the airplane, Mum? " Ray teased her, trying a different tactic. "Okay, here it comes...just like you did wit me when you made me take all that awful cough syrup as a kid, now I'm gonna make you take some of this possibly awful soup that Dad made. " There was a ghost of a smile on her lips but she still didn't open her mouth and take the food. "Okay, pay backs are hell, Mum, I warned ya. " He made such ridiculous noises for the plane that Barbara ended up opening her mouth out of sheer amusement and Ray took advantage to prop the spoon inside. "Gotcha! "
         "Are you giving your son a hard time, Mom? " Stella asked kindly as she dropped a reassuring hand on Ray's shoulder. "He doesn't understand we girls have to watch what we eat, so let's see what he's trying to feed you? " She tasted the soup and made a face, even though it was perfectly well prepared. "Yuck, no wonder you don't want that stuff." She smiled and pulled out a Popsicle from behind her back and unwrapped it. "This is more your style I think, Hmmm? " Barbara accepted the treat sullenly, but started to suck on it as Stella held it to her lips.
         "Thank you. " Ray whispered to Stella as he allowed her to take his seat at the table and she cast her sympathetic eyes to his already tear-filled ones.
         "Go take a shower. " She suggested softly. "You'll feel better. " Ray nodded and stepped out of the motor home and walked slowly toward his apartment building. He managed to get inside his apartment, but had to grip the counter next to the door to keep his legs under him. His head was spinning, he was on the verge of a breakdown and he knew it, yet he couldn't even get across the hall to the bathroom. He didn't sleep any more, if he was here in his apartment he kept waiting for the phone to ring and his father calling about a problem with his mother, if he slept in the trailer he spent the entire night listening to his mother's moans and gasps for breath, afraid she would choke in her sleep or die while he wasn't watching her.
         "Ray? " A soft voice called from behind and Ray turned toward his partner, who was once again in civilian clothes. "Are you alright? " Ray started to nod that he was but his head didn't want to obey any better then the rest of his body. Fraser moved inside and helped him to the sofa, then returned to close the door as Dief settled at Ray's side sympathetically.  "Are you okay?" Fraser repeated and Ray nodded, though he didn't open his eyes and his Adam's apple was bobbing up and down furiously as though trying to swallow something that wouldn't stay down.
         Fraser suspected it was a lump the size of a baseball, connected to a rush of tears that threatened to break on the detective as well. Fraser remembered that feeling all to well, such as when Victoria had re-entered his life and he had lit the candles to get her to return to him. When he returned and found his best friend had been replaced. When he watched the man sitting beside him sob brokenly late one night in a darkened vehicle, and when the same man had hit him viciously on the waterfront that fateful day. Yes, Fraser knew that feeling well and something prodded him to move closer to Ray and drape an arm around the detective's shoulders, closing his own eyes in gratitude as he felt Ray move into his embrace and allowed his tears to flow. This time he had done the right thing, this time he would offer Ray the kind of support his friend needed.
        "I f...feel like my life is f..fallin' apart." Ray confessed through his sobs. "I...I lost Stella and maybe will loose my Mum fer good, Fraser an...I...I can't handle it." Fraser continued to hold him, his hands running soothing circles over Ray's back as his other hand smoothed the blond hair that was tucked under his chin. "I...I'm tryin ta be strong an' brave fer Mum, but she's so sick and she...she looks....she looks..." His voice broke and Fraser bit his lip to keep his own tears back.
        "Understood." He whispered. He had heard that there would be a drastic change in Mrs. Kowalski's appearance, the doctors informed them that all Cancer patients go through it, but still it was distressing to witness. Barbara had lost the majority of her body weight, and since she was a small woman, it left very little to work with.
         She had lost her hair, and dropped to only eighty-three pounds. She had her good days, in the beginning, but these past weeks had been filled with only bad days as the woman grew weaker and weaker and was sometimes delusional. He could only guess at the anguish Damien and Ray were going through watching the woman they loved so dearly, who had always been furiously lively and independent, was now wasting away and having to depend on someone else to even go to the bathroom.
        "What do I do, Frase?" Ray asked resigned. "How...how do I save my Mum when I can't see what we're fightin'?"
        "Just be there for her, Ray." Fraser suggested gently. "Let her know that she is loved and help make it easier for her however way we can." Ray nodded and sniffed as he slowly sat up and accepted the handkerchief Fraser offered. He grinned and shook his head.
        "Always prepared, huh?" he teased, though his voice was still strained and Fraser nodded.
        "A good Mountie is always prepared, Ray." Fraser confirmed and Ray chuckled, after blowing his nose and wiping his eyes again.
        "I wanna be a Mountie when I grow up then." He decided and Fraser laughed and slapped his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze.
        "We would be proud to have you, Ray." He informed. "But you will have to defect, of course, you must be Canadian."
        "Hey, I can borrow yer hat, a wolf and lick an electrical socket and I'm good ta go, Benton Buddy."
        "Well, there you are, Ray." Fraser agreed, glad his friend was feeling better. "There you are."

 
        "All we can do now is wait. " The Doctor stated gently as Ray, Damien, Stella, Francesca, Fraser and a few other people gathered in the waiting area outside the palliative care room that held Barbara Kowalski.
She had gone into a coma sometime last night and Ray had called an ambulance when they couldn't rouse her this morning. The doctors could not get a response from her either and they suspected one of the legions in her brain had finally broken and possibly blinded her or put her into this current state.
        It could be minutes, hours or days until Barbara eventually passed on, yet despite his fear of loosing her, Ray silently prayed it would be sooner rather then later, he didn't want her to suffer any longer. They each took turns sitting with her, holding her hand and talking to her, despite her lack of response. Damien sat with her for a long time, speaking softly to his darling wife, his sorrow evident. Finally Ray moved to be with her, he had held back, unable to make himself go in until finally everyone had had their private time with her except he and Fraser, whom he had asked to go with him.
        "Hi Mum. " Ray greeted softly, settling beside her bed in the chair provided. "Y'know me, always late. " He caressed his mother's hand tenderly as he watched her eyes dart about the room. "What do you see, Mum? Yer always looking at something no one else can see. " Ray glanced around the room sadly then back at his Mother. "I bet I know." He whispered secretively. "I bet yer seein' Angels, aren't you? I bet they're floating about just waiting fer you to take a trip with them. " He swallowed convulsively. "Dat's okay Mum, you can go wit dem if ya want, we all understand. It's been pretty miserable here for you lately so we'd understand if you got a better offer. " He glanced at her tiny wrist held in his palm and suddenly reached to undo the silver bracelet that he always wore. He carefully slipped it over her wrist and with shaky fingers. "You gave me dis when I graduated high school, remember? Ya said I was going out into the world and setting forth on a new and wonderful adventure. " Ray reached up with his free hand and wiped at the tears streaming down his face and blurring his vision of his Mother. "Now...now yer goin' on an adventure, Mum. " He whispered brokenly. "So you'll need it to bring you luck and so you'll know...you'll know how much... I love you, Mum. " His voice broke as he rose and bent to kiss her cheek.
        At that moment Barbara Kowalski's eyes settled on her son's tear-stained face, she took a final deep breath and sighed in release. Ray started to shake as he kissed his Mother good bye for the last time and gently closed her eyes. He felt strong arms go around him and turned into his partner's embrace as the sobs racked his body.
 
 

        Damien Kowalski stood quietly as the coffin containing his beloved wife was slowly lowered into the ground. Many people had shown up for the funeral, all of the officers from the  27th precinct, even, Welsh, most in their dress blues. Because Ray was still undercover, he could not stand with his Father and brother beside the coffin, instead he stood with the other officers; Fraser beside him.
        Ray had dug out his old uniform and had it cleaned, wanting to wear it because his Mother had always commented how good he looked in blue. In his dress uniform, with his white gloves and hat, Ray looked totally different from the detective everyone had come to know him as and standing next to Fraser Thatcher who were in their red serge, also a dress uniform, the three made quite the picture.
        The minister finished the prayer and Damien accepted the earth given to him and Ray's brother to throw on the coffin in final tribute of laying Barbara Kowalski to rest. Damien paused and glanced over at Ray, who was staring straight ahead and seeing nothing. In a surprise movement he walked over and placed a portion of his tribute into the palms of both Fraser and Ray, allowing Ray to become part of his Mother's funeral without blowing his cover. Ray blinked back his tears as he stared at his father, then walked with Fraser to drop the earth onto the coffin, wishing his mother a final good bye. Fraser did the same, his features for once not completely controlled, for Ray saw a single tear slip out, noticing that the Mountie made no attempt to brush it away as they returned to their place.
    Ray's eyes met his Father's once more and in them he saw the chance for a fresh start with the man he had always longed to be closer to. He remembered a poem he had read in school...Whenever God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Ray allowed himself a small smile and raised his face toward the sun's warm touch, a new day was dawning.
 

The end.
 

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