Disclaimers: They aren't mine. Well, I'm claiming Ray K as my own. I will share him on alternate weekends.
Notes: Not Beta'd. This kind of came to me while I was listening to a song. Forgive the song lyrics, I heard this
and it struck a chord (get it 'chord'? *sigh* nevermind!) in me. I guess you could say this is how I
see Ray feeling after all the times Stella is a bitch to him. Of course Fraser is going to cheer him up!
Ratings: PG-13
Author's
website: http://home.att.net/~lojojan
Ray
Kowalski was tired. Tired of pretending
to be someone else. Tired of bearing the brunt of Stella's anger. It seemed like every time he saw her
she was more and more cruel. When
had things gone so wrong? They
had been happy once, right? Or
had he just been fooling himself all those years?
Sighing
heavily, Ray unlocked the door to his apartment. Keys on the table in the hallway, coat on the hook. Or the floor. Didn't matter. Not
much mattered these days. Music. That's what he needed. Something loud and fast to get rid
of the shitty thoughts in his head.
Flicking
the power button on the stereo, Ray popped in a CD that he hadn't heard
in awhile. Stella had never liked
this band, or any of his music. She
was always too busy studying or preparing for a case. A killer guitar riff signaled the start of the song.
You
cut me up
You
cut me down
You
cut me in two
How
can I explain
Or
dignify the things that you do
That
was Stella all right. Never happy,
never content. Constantly harping
on him to dress better, to stop talking like a 'Chicago hick'. And Ray had tried. Had
tried hard because this was Stella. Tried
hard because it cut him to the bone each time she made some excuse not
to bring him to social functions. 'Just
a boring dinner party, Ray. No
need for you to go.' Her eyes
told him everything he needed to know.
'You embarrass me, Ray. Why
would I want someone like you along?'
He knew
it was over when Stella stopped coming home after work. He didn't blame her. Not
much anyway. All they seemed to
do was fight. Ray wanted kids;
Stella felt they would hold her back from The Career. She had made it clear in several of the last big blowouts
that she felt Ray was dragging her down, keeping her from The Career.
All
in all, a fucked-up ending to what had once been a beautiful relationship. Life sucked. He sucked and made sure he drilled this point into his thick
skull. He could have done better,
done what she asked. He could
have changed; he just hadn't done it soon enough.
Nights
of loneliness were followed by days of loneliness. Ray missed her. They
had been Ray and Stella for so long, he didn't know how to be just Ray
anymore. Didn't know how to sleep
alone, live alone. God, he sucked. He'd driven her away.
Many
nights had been spent sitting on the couch, staring down at the gun in
his hand. It would be so easy...one
bullet would end it all. All the
pain, gone in an instant.
Then
the job covering for a detective in the 27th came up. Here was his chance. A
chance to be someone else for a while.
Live another life. How
many people got that chance? So
he accepted it without a second thought.
And a Mountie saved his life.
An honest-to-God
fucking Mountie. They wanted him
to partner with Dudley Do Right. Ray
hadn't wanted to at first, but the job and the Mountie were a package
deal. So he'd shrugged and went
about the business of living another man's life. All went well until the Mountie came back from his holiday.
Ray
had felt something the moment he'd set eyes on the man. That something had grown when he hugged the handsome Canadian. The hug had been a spur of the moment
thing; Ray had learned the hard way that if showed your feelings, they
got trampled on.
But
Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police had broken through
those barriers hadn't he? Barriers
that had toughened to near impenetrable after The Stella had left them
in ruins. Fraser had no problems
telling Ray he had done a good job, never had a problem trusting his
'hunches'. Things were starting
to look up.
I
am not a mess
I'm
not the freak
That
you once spoke to
But
I am right here
I
am complete
Stella
hadn't been able to figure out what had changed. Suddenly her fawning ex-husband was not so fawning. Ray made token attempts to ask her
out, but they had been shot down immediately. But something was different and Ray could see she was relieved,
but confused and a little hurt as well.
Oh,
Stel, if you only knew. Fraser
truly had been a life saver. He
had saved Ray from a life of loneliness.
The two men had developed a strong friendship and soon that friendship
developed into...something else. Something
stronger.
Love.
Ray
Kowalski knew love again and it was beautiful.
No
more wasted time
To
redefine our lives to you--
You've
got something to prove to you--
Think
you've got something to prove to me
--I've
got nothing to prove to you
Ben
had shown Ray what it was like to love and be loved in return. He didn't think that he and Stella had ever had anything
like that. Didn't matter if they
hadn't. When he and Ben had become
lovers, his whole outlook had changed.
The sky was bluer, the grass greener.
Best
of all, Stella was a distant memory.
She knew it too; snide remarks increased, insults piled up.
Want
me to pay
Want
me to fall
I'm
not sure who is disgraced
You
locked yourself
Into
a vault
Now
your face is mean
She
had tried every way, shape, and form to bring Ray down. The fact that her ex-husband was in love and it was no longer
with her was a slap in the face as far as Stella was concerned. How dare he move on?
Fraser
was the best buffer he could ask for.
Stella knew something was up between the two of them, but couldn't
get answers from anyone at the 27th.
Stella had stepped on a lot of people as she climbed to the top. People with long memories.
Lost
in the past, Ray didn't hear the key turning in the lock. He didn't even know that his lover was home until he felt
a warm hand on his shoulder.
"Ray? Is everything all right?"
Ray
sighed. Ben was home. He would make things better.
"Not really. Had a
shitty day."
"I'm
sorry I wasn't able to come to the station, but Inspector Thatcher is
out of town." Fraser sat
down next to Ray and hugged him close.
Closing
his eyes, Ray allowed himself to be pulled against the bigger man's warmth. Felt good, Fraser was always so warm. "S'ok, Frase." Relaxing further, Ray sighed again.
"Ray?" Ben sounded concerned. "Are you-"
"I'll
be fine in awhile. Can we just...cuddle
for awhile?"
"Of
course." Fraser shifted them
around until they were lying face to face on the couch. He wrapped his arms around the blonde
and pulled him close. Ray sighed
contentedly and rested his head
in the hollow between Ben's neck and shoulder.
Ben
just held him, stroking Ray's back and humming softly. It wasn't long before the smaller man fell asleep, safe
and warm, in his lover's arms.
Ray's
last thought before drifting off was that it was so sad that Stella would
never feel like he did right now. She
would never let anyone get too close.
I
want to give you something, something
That
you never had
I
want to give you something, something
That
I never had
"I
love you, Ray," whispered Fraser.
The
End
Song
lyrics are from 'Cut Me Up' by Headstones.