Hi! It's just me with some warnings and ratings. This is the first time I've written anything of this nature or magnitude, so please be kind but honest with any comments. Oh, and all the standard disclaimers apply. These are not my characters; I'm just borrowing them to tell a very serious story. No copyright infringement intended. I am not making a profit from this so please don't sue me. Thanks very much to my ever-vigilant beta-readers/editors, Ryoko, Marissa, Audrey, and Liana who helped me bring this together. I owe you one girls. :-)

Rated NC-17 for:

Lots of h/c and angst

Serious subject matter

Violence (pretty graphic at some points).

M/M content (OK, you can run screaming now.)

Strong language

Comments (good or bad) mail to kminx@hotmail.com

-By Midge Knight

Benton Fraser woke up later than usual this morning. He usually woke promptly at 6am, was showered and dressed by 6:30, and took Dief for his walk before 7. Never mind the fact that his job at the Consulate did not call for such early hours. This was actually late for him; back home in the Territories he had always risen at 5. However, here it was, 6:35 and he was still lying in bed. The city had a poor effect on him.

Still, he made no effort to get up. He just lay there enjoying the warmth of the sun on his naked skin, and watching it shine on the beautiful body next to him. The early morning light from the window illuminated the soft tan skin and made it seem to glow. He wanted to reach out and caress the gorgeous flesh, but he feared it might wake the sleeping figure. Then he would not have the pleasure of soaking in his wonderful Ray undisturbed. He loved to watch Ray sleep. It was one of the simple but immeasurable pleasures in life. He moved his gaze slowly up Ray's body, from his thighs to the thin hips to his slightly protruding ribs. People often mistook Ray as too thin or lanky, but he was actually quite lithe, with taunt muscles hooked to his 160-pound form. Ben had the pleasure of watching those fine muscles work on a number of occasions, including last night. He smiled to himself at the memory. He continued this upward journey, pausing at the fine haired chest and across the broad shoulders. Finally he reached the face. He lingered there, unable to tear his eyes away. The full lips, the prominent nose, the curve of his checks, the short shorn hair, never ceased to fascinate him. Ray was just so.... so... amazing!

He bent his head to the one resting on his arm and kissed his cheek, then one eyelid, and then his lips. Ray smiled sleepily, and Ben couldn't help but smile too.

"Good morning, Ray. I'm sorry I woke you."

"Benny, if that's the way you do it, trust me, I don't mind." Ray stretched, and it reminded Ben of a cat that had been napping in the sun.

"What time is it?" Ray asked.

"Oh, it's about quarter to seven by now." Ben answered.

"Quarter to seven? Really? And you're still in bed?" Ray tisked in mock disappointment, "I don't know Benny. The city must be making you soft. You should have been up and showered a half hour ago."

"Well, Ray" Fraser said, sounding serious, "I didn't get much sleep last night. And the physical activity involved was very strenuous. Even I am entitled to sleep in after a night like that."

"You are, huh?" Leave it to Benny to think of 6:45 as sleeping in.

"Yes."

Even Fraser could no longer keep a straight face. Smiling, he leaned down and kissed Ray on the lips. The kiss deepened, each getting lost in the bliss of the other. Fraser came to his senses first, breaking the kiss.

"Ray, as much as I enjoy kissing you", Ray planted another kiss on his lips. "And would love to continue doing so all day," he was distracted by a hand moving slowly down his side, headed for regions unfortunately best left untouched for now. "We both have jobs to do," he caught the offending hand in his, "and I don't think either one of our superiors would appreciate us being late." He brought Ray's hand to his face and kissed the palm, twice.

"I don't care if I'm a little late. 'Specially if it means spending more time with you." Ray leaned in for another kiss. Ben happily obliged. This time the need for air broke the kiss. "I would gladly spend every minute with you Ray," Ben's voice was already taking on a husky tone. "But Thatcher will have me on guard duty if I'm late again. Besides, we have to shower before my neighbors wake up and use all the hot water."

Ray groaned. He hated this building and the fact that they had to share a bathroom. But he *really* hated it when the hot water ran out. He had tried to convince Benny many times to move out of this rat trap, enough times to know that there was no point in trying. Someone would probably have to burn the place down around him to convince Fraser to move. Surprisingly, Ray had come to like the apartment a bit too. It had sentimental value. He and Benny had built many happy memories here, including every time they had made love. It was a little romantic; sort of like a young couple starting out, who couldn't afford a better place, all they had was love. Ray knew it was silly, but he couldn't help but feel that way sometimes. It touched a warm place in his chest when he thought about it. He was a closet romantic.

"OK, but only to keep the dreaded Dragon Lady off your ass. If anyone is going to be on your ass, it's gonna be me." He gave Ben's butt a quick squeeze for emphasis.

"Ray!"

Still laughing, Ray rolled out of bed. He turned to watch Benny stretch as the Mountie rose to his feet. Seeing him in all his naked glory in the sunlight gave Ray an idea, and he smiled mischievously.

"Hey Benny, I know a way we could save time and conserve hot water. We'll have to beat your neighbors to the shower though."

"Really? How, Ray?" Seeing the look on Ray's face gave Fraser a pretty good idea of what he had in mind, and it brought a blush to his cheeks. "Ray, we couldn't possibly! What if someone caught us?"

"No ones' gonna catch us. That's why we have to beat them to the shower. Besides, some of the fun comes from the chance of being caught. Come on, haven't you ever done it in a shower before Benny?"

"Actually, no Ray, I haven't."

"Well see, that's something we'll have to remedy." Ray smiled broadly.

*************************************

As it turned out, the shower didn't save any time. If anything it took longer. And they had not been caught by anyone either. In spite of Ray's teasing, they were not ready for the world, or even the occupants of 221 West Racine, to know about them yet. So Ray had peeked out of the bathroom first, made sure the cost was clear, then Ben followed him to his apartment. Despite the long shower, Ben still wasn't late for work. Ray's driving made sure of that. Apparently traffic signals and speed limits were made for other people. Ray pulled up to the curb in front of the consulate a full five minutes before Fraser's shift was to begin.

"Here you are Benny, safe and sound. And still on time."

"Thank you kindly Ray."

Still he didn't get out. They were both stalling and they knew it.

"Are we still on for lunch this afternoon?" Ray asked, shifting in his seat to face Fraser.

"Yes, of course. Always." Fraser placed his hand on top of Ray's on the seat between them.

They both knew what they wanted, the reason why they stalled. They looked around to make sure no body was looking. There was no one. They moved forward, facing one another, eyes never straying from the other's, until they met. They kissed, passionately, albeit briefly. Ray's free hand cupped Benny's cheek, as did Fraser's his. Then, reluctantly, they parted, meeting each others gaze once again. The emotion each man saw there spoke volumes, but still, some things needed to be said.

"I love you so much Benny."

"I know. I love you too, Ray."

Ray's hand was still on Ben's cheek and he ran his thumb across his lips. Ben kissed his thumb. Ray leaned in for another kiss, but was stopped by the short, stern bark from the back seat. It jolted them both back.

"Looks like Dief is trying to protect your honor," Ray joked, his voice still soft.

"No. It's not that. He is just reminding me I'll be late if we keep this up. And if you kiss me again I'll never be able to get out of this car."

"Really?" Ray smiled and leaned forward again. Dief whined and punctuated this point by nudging Ray in the chin. "Okay, okay, I get the point already," he said to the wolf. Then to Ben, "Persistent, isn't he?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Wolves are like that you know. He's already mad about having missed his morning walk."

"Then I guess you'd better go before he retaliates by chewing the upholstery or something. Don't worry, I'll make it up to him at lunch. And you."

Ben smiled then climbed out of the car, pulling the seat forward to let Dief out. Just as Fraser was about to close the door Ray remembered something.

"Hey, Benny."

Fraser bent down to look at him. "Yes, Ray?"

"Don't forget, dinner at my place tonight. Ma'll kill me if you don't come." Especially because lately, if Fraser wasn't there Ray usually wasn't either.

"I thought that was tomorrow night, Ray?"

"No, tomorrow is the banquet for Lt. Westrum. You'll get to meet him today when you come by for lunch."

Oh, yes, Ray's friend Donald Westrum. Ray had talked about him quite a bit over the last week or so. He was one of the most highly decorated men on the force, and from the way Ray talked about him Fraser could tell he respected him deeply.

"Okay. I'm looking forward to it Ray."

"All right. See ya later, love."

Ben smiled at the endearment. "See you later, Ray." The way he said his name made that an endearment too.

Ray drove off, Fraser watching the car until it turned the corner. He missed Ray a little already, but he'd see him again in a while. Turning to go inside, with Dief at his heels, Fraser counted the hours till lunchtime.

Fraser sat at his desk, still basking in the afterglow of this morning. He hadn't been kidding Ray when he told him he had never made love in a shower. But now that he had, he planned on doing it again often. Ray was most imaginative when it came to their lovemaking, and it brought out a joy and playfulness in himself that he hadn't known still existed. It probably hadn't... until Ray.

They had discovered numerous ways to express their love for one another. That was where much of the fun came in. Ben found the many ways that they made love thus far to be most... pleasurable. It seemed almost irrelevant that they had not yet done that one thing that would bind them even closer. They wanted to take their time, not rushing into anything; they had the rest of their lives after all. It was sort of like being a virgin again, and they just wanted the first time they did it to be extra special.

Ben also didn't mind at all about that just because he was with Ray. He loved him more than anything, and Ray had taught him so much on the subject of love. He was eagerly anticipating the day when they would both be ready to.... He shifted in his chair, trying to concentrate on the paper work before him, but to no avail. His mind slipped back to the first time they were together, just over three months ago. It was a week after they finally admitted their feelings to one another. Ben had been so excited, yet so nervous.

"Ray," Ben had whispered, standing nearly nude except for his boxers, in front of his soon to be lover, "I, ah.... I've never been with... a... a man before."

"What, and I have?" It was a wise comment, but it was said softly, so as not to offend, just to let Ben know he understood. "Don't worry Benny, we'll go slow, and we won't do anything either of us isn't comfortable with, okay?"

Ben nodded. "I trust you Ray. I love you."

"I love you too Benny. More than anything."

Somehow they had made it over to the bed, and Ray had kissed and stroked and touched him almost everywhere. Going slowly the whole time. Ben was no slouch either, exploring every part of Ray he could reach, touching him, smelling him, tasting him. Ray had trailed kisses down his abdomen, finally stopping directly over his erection. He had kissed the insides of Benny's thighs, nearly driving him wild. Then his face was directly over Ben's erection and when he kissed the tip, Ben moaned.

"Constable."

Fraser nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Is there some reason why you are staring into empty space instead of filling out those reports?" Thatcher said irritably.

Fraser had been fumbling up from his chair as she spoke, and now had managed to stand at attention. He straightened his tunic down for good measure, thanking the powers that be for the long front and lose jodhpurs. 'Please don't let her see it!' he thought.

"Well, is there?" she demanded.

"Um, no sir."

"Then I suggest you get back to work. The Canadian government doesn't pay you to daydream."

"No sir."

"What?"

"I mean, yes sir." She stalked off.

'Bitch.'

'Oh dear, did I actually think that? I didn't mean to. I take it back. She had every right to reprimand me, I was daydreaming. I should reprimand myself. I was thinking of Ray again when I should be working. Ray....'

His mind started to wander, but he stopped it. Ray was having a bad influence on him. First he thought about him all the time, now he was referring to his superior officer in negative connotations, if only in his mind. But he could never not let Ray influence him, not in a million years. Ray was the most important part of his life.

Ben glanced at his watch again, eager for the lunch hour. A whine came from under the desk, as if the wolf could read his thoughts.

Ray looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost lunch time. He smiled to himself.

'Yeah, lunch now, then after dinner tonight, desert.'

Ray liked it when Ben came over for dinner at his place. It seemed to make it more real, like Ben was more a part of the family now, just like Angie had been. As far as Ray was concerned, Benny was a part of the family, even if his mother was the only one that knew about their relationship. Ray had agonized about whether to tell his family. Ben had stood by him and supported his decision. They decided to tell Ma first, since she was the matriarch of the family. To Ben and Ray's shock, she was not surprised at all, saying she had already suspected. She gave them her blessing and welcomed Ben into the family with open arms. Of course a round of celebration was called for after Mrs. Vecchio had taken the news so well. They were too excited to get around to telling the rest of the family. After heading back to the apartment Ray and Benny had spent the next few hours celebrating their pants off. Literally.

"So Ray, thinking of her again," came a sweet female voice, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Ray looked up, seeing Elaine standing above him with a sly grin. She had been wondering about whom this mysterious love that Ray has had for over a month now, but she still wasn't any closer to figuring out who it was. Ray had no intention of telling her either.

"What are you talking about Elaine? There is no her." That at least was true.

"Right Vecchio, that's why I keep finding you staring into space with that goofy grin on your face." She sat on the edge of his desk. "So give already, is it someone I know? How serious is this? When do I get to meet her?"

"You don't, because she doesn't exist." Ray said testily.

"Okay. If you say so." She walked away with a smile that said she clearly didn't believe him. He was in too good a mood to care.

"Here's your coffee Rookie," Westrum said, returning to Ray's desk.

He placed one of the two cups he held in front of Ray.

"Thanks Don," Ray said, glancing up.

Westrum was a big man, at least three inches taller and 25 pounds heavier than Ray himself. He had broad shoulders, and was built more like a linebacker than a cop. But his size belied his agility. The man could move quicker than most people believed a man that big was capable of, and that had been many a perp's downfall. His soft brown hair was graying at the temples.

'Here this man is 15 years my senior, and the bastard still has the nerve to look distinguished.' Ray thought.

"I can't believe I still remember how you like your coffee after all these years. The more things change, the more they stay the same I suppose." Don settled into the chair next to Ray's desk.

"Hey, if something works, I stick with it." Ray said.

"Then what's with that hunk of junk you call a car?" Westrum teased.

"Did you just insult my car?"

"I don't know. I either insulted your car or every piece of junk that's ever been hauled in this city." Don said smiling.

"My taste in cars is a lot better than your taste in clothes, Don. I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit. Or your car either for that matter." They both laughed as they drank their coffee.

"So you were saying about your new promotion...?" Ray asked.

"Oh, yeah. Now I'm in charge of homicide, vice, and major crimes. This is a pretty big step. If everything goes well I'll make captain in a year."

"Congratulations Don. Don't forget about us little people on your way to the top." Ray raised his coffee mug in a mock toast.

"I definitely won't. In fact I wanted to bring along a few good cops with me. I'll need some good Detectives to help me head up the squads. I was wondering if you'd consider transferring." Don looked at him seriously.

"Me? Wow Don, I'm flattered, but I don't know."

"Come on, you've made quite a reputation for yourself. More successfully solved cases in the last two years than anyone else in this division. You're due for a promotion."

"Thanks Don, but it's not all me. I owe a lot of it to my partner."

"The Mounty?"

"Yeah. His methods are a little strange, but he gets things done."

"But it's not all him. I've always known you had it in you to be a great cop. I'm glad you finally decided to prove me right."

"Yeah, well..."

"Look, just think about it OK? It's either that or sleep your way to the top. And I don't think you've got the mug for that." Ray blushed and they both laughed.

"Am I interrupting?" Came the pleasant tone from beside them. Ben was standing with his hat under his arm, looking dignified as always.

"Hey Benny, I'd like you to meet my old partner, Don Westrum. Don, this is Benton Fraser, the guy I was telling you about."

"Well, this is the famous Mountie. We hear a lot about you down at division. And Ray can't stop singing your praises. It's good to finally meet you."

Westrum took Ben's hand in both of his. Westrum's hands were huge and seemed to swallow Ben's smaller one like a hungry giant.

"I've heard quiet a lot about you too. Can I say what a pleasure it is to finally meet you as well." Be said politely.

"So Benny, you ready to go to lunch? I'm starved." Ray wanted to make a quick get away. Not only so he could spend more time alone with Benny, but also to get the pair away from each other before they could start exchanging 'Ray' stories.

"I'm ready Ray. As soon as I collect...." he glanced around for his wayward wolf. "Ah."

Dief was making his way from Elaine's desk, a guilty jelly stain around his lips.

"Diefenbaker, what have I told you about waiting until lunch time?" Ben scolded. Dief gave a low whine in response. Ben shook his head.

"This must be your wolf. Heard about him too." Lt. Westrum said, grinning.

"Well part wolf anyway. I've never been sure of his exact pedigree. Dief, this is Leftenant Westrum, a friend of Ray's." Fraser told the wolf.

"Nice to meet you boy." Westrum bent to give the wolf a rub on his head. Dief bared his fangs and growled viciously, his hackles going up.

"Diefenbaker!" Fraser said, between scolding and surprise. "I'm terribly sorry, he is usually very well behaved."

"That's all right, dogs will be dogs," the Lieutenant said.

"Still..."

"Hey, forget it. I'd be cranky too if it was my lunch time and I had to hang around here." Westrum offered diplomatically. "You'd better get going before he eats the desk Sgt."

"Yeah, let's get going Benny," Ray said, pulling Fraser by the arm. "I'll be back in an hour Don. We can finish up about the banquet then."

"Sure Rookie." Westrum watched them go with more than mild interest.

The trio walked out to the Riv, Fraser still speculating his wolf's attitude.

"I really don't know what's gotten into him," he said eyeing Dief.

"He's probably just mad because we didn't walk him this morning. He'll get over it."

"Yes. You're probably right. But that doesn't excuse his behavior." Fraser said, looking back at the wolf.

"He's an animal, what do you want? Let's just buy him something big and sweet and he'll be fine."

"I suppose." Ben could barely conceal his doubt.

Dief was not one to growl at someone for no reason. That fiasco with the wild bunch had taught him that. His not trusting him then had nearly cost Dief his life. But this was a far cry from tipping over garbage cans and being accused of eating neighborhood pets. Westrum was a fine man and highly respected officer; he was also Ray's friend. Ben could not figure out what had prompted Dief's outburst. He resolved to turn it over in his mind later.

Lunch was going great, the two having found a great secluded Chinese restaurant not too far from the precinct. After their food arrived they made quiet conversation that eventually turned to Don Westrum.

"So Westrum is regarded as a kind of legend in the force?" Ben asked.

"I'll say. If anyone deserves an honors banquet it's him. He was my partner back when I was a wet behind the ears Rookie. He's the one who taught me how to be a real cop. I heard of other cops looking the other way for the right price, but not Don. He was one heroic son of a bitch too. I remember the time he jumped out from cover to save these two kids from stray bullets. The suspects had a clear shot at him, but he did it anyway. He got a commendation for that, they said it was Above and Beyond."

"He sounds like a great man." Ben said.

"He is a great man, a legend. He's what every cop is supposed to be."

They ate in comfortable silence for a while, but Ben could tell something was on Ray's mind. He let him bring it up in his own time.

"Hey Benny, I've been thinking." He said looking at Fraser.

"That's very good Ray," Ben said, smiling.

"Ha, ha, very funny. No, I was thinking about this weekend. I have Saturday and Sunday off, and so do you. It's not often both of us have two days off in a row. Maybe we could do something special, just me and you."

"And Dief?"

"Oh, and of course Dief." Ray said, exasperated.

"What did you have in mind, Ray?" Ben said, discreetly rubbing Ray's hand behind the breadbasket on the table.

"A nice romantic picnic in the park. Wine, candles, pasta... privacy."

"Where is this park, Ray? On the moon?"

"No. I know this nice secluded place in the park by my house that no one else knows about. It's been my own secret place since I was a kid. I used to hide there all the time. I've never shown it to anybody, now I'm gonna show it to you."

Ben smiled as he realized how much that meant to Ray, and it touched him deeply.

"Thank you, Ray. I'd like that."

"I thought you would, Benny."

Ray also had other 'special' plans for the romantic weekend. He hoped that this would be the time when he and Ben would take that ultimate step. Sometimes when they made love it drove him nearly crazy with passion thinking about Ben possessing him completely. But he hadn't been sure he was really ready for it; now he was. He could not think of anything he wanted more than to belong to Ben totally, and that was how he wanted to show it. To have Benny inside him, touching him, letting Benny become a part of him physically as he had spiritually. This would link their souls and make them one with each other forever. Ray quaked with anticipation at the thought.

After lunch, Ray dropped Fraser off directly at the Consulate, not wanting him to be late.

"I'll pick you up at 6, 'kay Benny. And I'm sorry about tomorrow." Ray was even more miserable about it than Fraser was

.

"It's all right Ray, you've apologized enough."

Ray had explained that he had so much to do in preparation for Don's banquet that he would not be able to see Ben tomorrow. Ben knew his lover felt very guilty about it, even though it couldn't be helped.

"It's not like we won't see each other tonight. And one day apart won't kill us. You know what they say: 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'"

Ray smiled; trust Benny to find the bright side of everything. Ray felt terrible about it, but Ben took it all in stride.

"We always have the next two days," Ben said. "And, of course, this weekend," he added with a wicked grin, an expression Ray had only discovered since they became lovers, but one he loved instantly.

"Naturally this weekend," Ray said returning the grin. He leaned in to give Fraser a quick kiss, which he returned gladly.

"I'll see you tonight, Ray." Ben said, then got out of the car.

"See you then, caro." He watched Ben's ass as he walked up the stairs to the Consulate, then drove away.

**********************************************

The evening of the banquet was winding to a close, and Ray was looking forward to turning in relatively early, perhaps with a familiar warmth by his side. Even among all these festivities, or probably because of them, he found his thoughts returning to Fraser. Is it foolish to have so much of your happiness tied up into one person? He supposed so, but he wouldn't give it up for anything. Maybe he would stop by tonight after all. Benny would be asleep by the time the party was over, but Ray was sure he wouldn't mind him coming in so late. At the thoughts of how best to wake Fraser when he arrived, a tiny smile appeared on Ray's face.

"What the heck are you smiling about, Rookie?" Westrum asked, interrupting his reverie.

"Nothing. Just contemplating the meaning of life." Ray answered wisely.

"Oh, yeah? 'Cause I thought maybe you were still laughing about your little speech earlier. You think that was pretty funny, huh?"

"Well, everyone else had a good laugh about it, so it must have been good." Ray said, smugly.

"I'll show you funny, soon enough." Don said, trying to seem cross.

Ray knew he was just teasing, Don had really liked his speech. Ray had been given the honor of announcing the award for Don, and naturally that included saying a few words about the recipient. It had been filled with jokes and stories about the Lieutenant, but people's admiration and the heroism of the man had shown through also.

"I'd hate to break up the party gentlemen, but I've got to be going," Welsh said, coming up to stand next to them.

"Going home already, Harding?" Don asked, "Why it's only...." he looked at his watch, "Wow, it is pretty late. I'd better get going myself. Hey Rookie, think you can give me a ride home?" Don turned to Ray.

"You're actually gonna let me give you a ride? That's a new one, you must really be drunk," Ray teased.

"Nah, I'm fine. But why risk a Breathalyzer by some over eager rookie." He teased back.

"Hey, how was I supposed to know she was the chief's wife?" Ray insisted. "She was speeding and weaving all over the road."

"Yeah. But once you did know you still gave her the ticket." Don taunted.

"He didn't!" Welsh said, incredulous.

"She was sloshed. The chief couldn't blame me for that."

"But he did anyway. Our Ray was quite the stickler for rules as a Rookie."

"Vecchio?" Welsh was looking at Ray oddly.

"Yeah right. Just let me get my keys and we'll head out." Ray rolled his eyes and walked away, not noticing the look Don gave him as he watched him go.

Don didn't even seem tipsy, Ray figured he just wanted the company. They said their good-byes to the last remaining partying guest and left.

"I was real sorry to hear about you and Sophie," Ray said as he drove the Riv expertly through traffic. "It happens to the best of us."

"Yeah, I was sorry to hear about you and Angie too. You never know how it is with women." Don offered. "Divorce is messy. She got the house and the car. Go figure."

"So, where you living now?" Ray asked.

"Over on the East Side. It's quiet, neighbors never complain. Gets boring though."

"How are the kids?"

"Don't see much of them anymore. Not that I really did before with the job and all."

Ray could tell this topic was upsetting his friend, so he dropped it and they rode the rest of the way to Don's in silence.

"Hey Ray, come up stairs for a moment. There is something I want you to see." Westrum said, while opening the door to get out.

"Sure, but I can't stay too long. Got it?" shifting the Lt. a knowing grin. Ray knew that Don liked to drink, and that this was probably a ploy to get him to join in. He was not a drunk or anything, far from it. He just liked to bend the elbow occasionally.

"No problem. It won't take long. Wouldn't want your Ma to worry would we?" he said teasingly. Then to change the subject, "Rookie, I noticed you're not wearing your piece. You still got your back up don't cha?"

"'Course I do. You never know when something might go down." Ray gave a short laugh, "'Specially when Fraser is around."

"Good, I thought I taught you better than to go out without a back up." He opened the door to his apartment and gestured Ray inside. "After you."

Ray walked in, the Lieutenant directly behind.

******************

By the time Ray got home it was very late. After showering and dressing for bed he crawled underneath the covers. But he knew there was no way he would sleep. His head throbbed, his body hurt all over. He'd just call in sick in the morning. He'd feel better after a day's rest. There was no way he could show up to work like this....

****************

Fraser walked into the Bullpen, Dief at his heels. He was looking forward to his usual lunch with Ray. Especially since they had not seen each other since early yesterday morning. He stopped at Ray's desk, but it was empty. It looked like it had not been occupied all day.

"Good afternoon, Elaine. Have you seen Ray?"

"Hi, Fraser!" Elaine beamed. "Ray?", the question seemed to be unexpected. "He called in sick this morning. Said he had some kind of bug. I thought he would have called you. Just like that inconsiderate lout not to call his friend to cancel lunch." A sudden inspiration came to her. "But since you're here I can go with you. I have to eat too you know."

It took a while for Fraser to realize Elaine had spoken. Ray never missed lunch without calling. Even before they were lovers. He must be pretty sick.

"Thank you kindly Elaine, but no. I think I'll go check on Ray."

'Damn.' she thought, 'I was this close.'

Fraser was gone in a flash.

It was too far to walk to the Vecchio home and back in a single lunch hour, so Fraser figured he would have to catch a cab. But as luck would have it, a woman in a black BMW offered him a ride while he attempted to hail a cab. Getting out in front of the Vecchio home he had offered to pay but she refused, saying she had already been given more than enough. Wondering what that meant he thanked her kindly and exited the car.

Fraser rang the bell, and it was quickly answered by Mrs. Vecchio.

"Why hello, Benton."

"Hello, Mrs. Vecchio" he said, taking off his hat. She gestured him and Dief inside.

"Uh-ah, Benton. What have I told you?" she said in her mother voice.

"Oh, I'm sorry...Rosa," he was still not used to using her first name.

"That's much better. So what brings you over here in the middle of the day, Benton?"

"I came to check on Ray. They said he called in sick this morning."

"My Raymondo is sick?" She seemed puzzled and surprised. "He went out early this morning. Didn't even stop for breakfast. Straight out the door. I didn't even get to see him." Now she was frowning. "He didn't go to work?"

"No. I was just there." Now Ben was becoming concerned. But he also saw the worried look on Mrs. Vec...Rosa's face and knew he had to reassure her.

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. But are you sure he's not here. I saw this car parked down the street." That was odd too since they have a driveway.

"It is?" Rosa's face seemed to reflect the same thoughts Fraser was having. "Well, I just got back in a little while ago. It's possible he came in while I was out."

"May I go check, Rosa?"

"Yes of course, please. I'll go put some soup on." Dief followed her into the kitchen.

Fraser went up stairs and made his way to Ray's door. He knocked softly, but got no response.

"Ray?" he called, and knocked a little harder. Still no answer.

'Is Ray not in, or just sleeping?' he wondered.

If he was sick and just resting, Fraser did not want to wake him. He turned the knob carefully and found it unlocked, so he stepped inside. He heard shifting on the bed and could just make out the outline of Ray's figure under the covers. The thick curtains were drawn and the room was pretty dark. On the night stand he could see a bag from a pharmacy that looked pretty full. So Ray had been out apparently, at least to the pharmacy, and therefore most likely a doctor.

"Ray?" Fraser repeated softly, approaching the bed.

************************

When Ray heard the first knock he hoped whoever it was would go away if he didn't answer. When he heard that voice call his name he knew he'd not get his wish.

'Oh no. It's Fraser' Ray thought. 'What am I gonna do? He'll see my face and ask what happened. I can't let him see me like this. He'll *know*.'

Fraser was already coming in, so he pulled the covers over this face. He could hear Fraser approaching the bed, and fought down the urge to panic.

"Ray?"

"Go away Fraser. I'm sick," came the muffled reply from under the covers.

"Yes, I know. Elaine told me at the precinct. I was concerned since you didn't call."

'Damn it! I forgot to call him this morning. Now he'll never go away.'

"Sorry Fraser, I forgot."

"Ray, come from under the covers. I can hardly hear you."

"No. I don't want you to catch my cold."

"I don't get sick, Ray. You know that."

"Oh right, forgot. I'm dealing with super Mountie here." There was a bitter tone in his voice that made Fraser frown.

"Ray, is there something wrong?"

"Yeah. I'm sick and you won't leave me alone. Now beat it Fraser." Ray was losing his patience. He needed to get rid of Fraser quickly or he'd blow it wide open.

"Well if you're sick I'd like to help. Let me see." Fraser was right next to him now, leaning down a bit over him. Ray tensed up instantly.

"Ray?"

"I don't need a nurse maid Fraser. I'm a big boy now."

"I don't think you do, Ray. But as your friend I am just concerned."

"Fraser..." It was no use. Better to get it over with.

He pulled the covers from his head. Ben gasped in shock. Ray looked terrible! His left cheek was swollen and split. His face was covered with bruises, his eye was black, and the right side of his face was scraped. His bottom lip was busted, and his eyes were red and puffy. It was hard to see in this light but his face looked tired and drawn, his eyes haunted.

"What happened?!"

'I knew it!' Ray thought.

"Nothing. I fell." He knew that wouldn't work. Hadn't even when he was a kid.

"No you didn't," Ben protested.

"Yes I did. Yesterday while chasing a perp. I caught him, but I slipped. It looks worse than it is. I'll be fine."

"Ray, those aren't-"

"Look!" Ray had had it. He sat up in bed, trying not to wince as he did so. His ribs ached in protest. "I said I fell! Now leave it, Fraser, all right!"

Fraser looked hurt, but Ray ignored it. He couldn't let himself be weak. Being too weak was what got him into this in the first place he believed.

"All right. I'm sorry. I'll let you get some rest." Fraser turned to leave.

Part of Ray wanted to apologize back to Fraser, but he knew if he did he that might give away too much. He couldn't risk it. "I'll call you tomorrow, Fraser."

"That will be fine, Ray." He gave Ray a half smile. He was already forgiven for his outburst.

Ray couldn't return his smile. "Later, Benny." He lay back down in the bed, trying to hide the pain it caused to move.

Ben exited and closed the door behind him. He went down stairs and into the kitchen.

"Well Benton? Is Raymondo upstairs?"

"Yes he is Mrs. Vecchio. And I'm afraid he isn't feeling very well."

"It's Rosa, please. And you just let me take care of that. This soup is an old family recipe sure to make him feel better."

Ben didn't have the heart to tell her he didn't think soup would fix whatever was bothering Ray. Then again maybe it might. "I'm sure it will, Rosa." He breathed in the wonderful aroma.

"Will you stay for lunch? You could use some soup too. I made plenty."

It sure smelled good. He suddenly remembered he was still hungry and had yet to eat lunch. However, he also had to get back to the consulate.

"Thank you, Rosa, but I can't. I have to get back to work."

She seemed a little disappointed. "Okay then, you'd better hurry. I wouldn't want my boy to be late."

She offered her check for a kiss. He kissed it without hesitation, and she kissed him back. Fraser made to leave and Dief left Rosa's side reluctantly to follow.

"Oh, Benton?" He turned back. "Thank you for coming to check on him. Raymondo is very lucky to have someone who cares for him so much."

Ben smiled. "Thank you, ma'am."

She smiled and turned back to her cooking.

As he walked down the front steps, Fraser thought he knew why Ray was so upset. He must have been mad because the suspect got the better of him. Those bruises were obviously from a fight. He and the suspect had clearly struggled, and Ray was embarrassed that the criminal had been able to mark him. It was strange for Ray to react so strongly, but Ben knew Ray was a man of deep emotion. That is also why he stopped pushing. Ray didn't keep anything in for too long; he let you know when he was upset. If this really bothered him, he'd let Fraser know when he was good and ready.

Ray did call Fraser the next day, but only to tell him he couldn't come get him for work and wouldn't make the picnic this weekend. He was still sick. The conversation was incredibly short, Ray using as few words as possible to get the information out. Then just before Ray hang up, Fraser said what he often did to Ray when they parted:

"Love you, Ray."

Pause. "Me too."

Then Ray hung up. Fraser realized Ray was sick, but there was an odd tone in his voice. 'Me too?' There was nothing wrong with that in itself, but still....

Fraser told himself he was just being silly, but that didn't stop the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

****************************************************

This just wasn't working out and Ray could tell. At first he seemed to be handling it pretty well. He just went on as usual, but now he couldn't keep it up. Every day things seemed to get worse and worse. The problem was he didn't know how to get out of it either. Strangely, he found he didn't really have the energy to care. Fraser was the worst of it. The Mountie was highly astute and was becoming suspicious of something. Not that Ray could blame him, although he often did. What had he really expected, that he could suddenly stop coming over and hardly see him and Fraser wouldn't notice? Jeez, he must really be stupid if he thought that. But he was stupid wasn't he? Stupid and worthless and dirty and weak! He was a coward too. Otherwise he would have done something by now. Something other than just avoid the Mountie and drive down to the lake or the park all the time. God, what a piece of work he was, weak, pitiful, disgusting, filthy, useless piece of work! If he had any balls at all he'd at least drive his car into the lake, right? Get it over with? But he couldn't do it. He thought about it a lot but he couldn't actually go through with it. He tried not to think too much at all, but his mind would race. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't keep on like this, he was losing it. God help him, he couldn't do this anymore.

He held the heavy weight of the gun in his hands. He didn't even have the guts to use that like he planned. He couldn't even turn it on himself like he wanted, much less anyone else. It wasn't too difficult, just pull the trigger. Right? Instead he just stared at it, unable to reach a decision. Dreading what the answer would be once it came to him.

Ben was trying his best, but it wasn't doing any good. For once being patient and polite was not getting results, and he was frustrated from waiting. It had been going on for over two weeks now for goodness sakes, and even he did not have the patience of Job. Ray must be mad at him for something he had done or said, but he wouldn't talk about it. At first he thought Ray was still upset about the suspect that had managed to get the better of him, but that wasn't it either. Ray seemed almost fine after that, for a few days anyway. And when he had asked Ray about it he honestly seemed not to recall what Ben was talking about. So this was clearly not about some little incident at work, this was something deeper. Something that obviously had to do with Ben himself.

He couldn't account for Ray's behavior at first, but eventually it all added up and he could have kicked himself for not seeing it sooner. First Ray seemed busy all the time. He always had extra work to do or had to stay late at the precinct. Ben began to realize that Ray was just avoiding him. Then when he did see him, Ray seemed distant or just plain standoffish. Ben recalled the time he leaned over to kiss Ray and he had actually flinched away. Ben was the most hurt by this. Ray hardly touched him anymore, and Ben could not remember the last time they had so much as kissed. It all added up to only one thing: Ray had fallen out of love with him. He didn't want to believe it at first, but that was the only thing that made sense. That's why Ray always had some excuse for not coming over. That was why he hardly spoke to him anymore, and when he did Ray wouldn't meet his eyes. He probably regretted the whole thing. It not only hurt that Ray would feel this way, but that he hadn't come right out and told Ben himself. This had gone on entirely too long, he would either confront Ray now or lose him forever. The only problem was that confronting him might cause him to lose Ray forever, assuming he hadn't already.

Ben stopped by the precinct at lunch time, determined to take Ray out so they could finally talk. When he arrived however, Ray was nowhere to be found.

"Detective Huey, have you seen Ray?" he asked as Huey walked by him.

"Yeah, he stormed out of here about 15 minutes ago after biting my head off. You think he would have had enough after he did the same to Elaine yesterday. What is up with that guy? You two have a fight or something?"

Before he could ask Huey what he meant, Welsh called Fraser into his office. He did not look happy, and did not mince words.

"OK, what's going on between you and Vecchio?"

"Pardon, sir?" Fraser was stunned. Surely they didn't know.

"Ray has been a royal pain in the ass lately, and you haven't been haunting the station. Naturally I put two and two together and assumed it has something to do with you. Have you two been fighting or something?"

Ben was relieved the Lieutenant didn't know about him and Ray, but at the same time this new information disturbed him further. Whatever was bothering Ray was effecting his work.

"I don't know sir. I haven't seen much of him lately. He mentioned something about more work and a shift change." Ben needed to feel out the territory.

"His shift hasn't changed and he doesn't have a bigger case load. But if he keeps this up his case load will be nonexistent and he'll find himself on the street. He's driving everyone insane."

So Ray had been lying to him. "Do you know where Ray is now, sir?"

"No. He stormed out of here about 20 minutes ago after yet another temper tantrum. He's been doing it a lot lately and I'm sick of it. Fraser, I want you to do something for me. He's your friend, find out what the hell is bothering him. I don't want to see his face around here again until whatever it is is fixed. If he comes back here acting like that he is suspended."

"Understood sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

Fraser walked out of the office somberly. The situation was worse than he thought. He had to find Ray quickly if he was going to straighten this out.

After leaving the precinct Ben tried calling Ray at home. He got Mrs. Vecchio instead. That only increased the bad news. She did not know where Ray was and was very worried about him. He had been acting very strange lately and wouldn't tell her why. Every time she asked he became snappish. He never hung around with the family, and when he did he would be very quiet or very hostile. He had actually had an argument with his mother. She asked Ben if he knew what was wrong.

"Please Benton, you are his best friend, he must have told you something."

"I'm afraid not Rosa. But don't worry, I'll find him and we'll straighten this out. I promise." He hoped he could keep his promise.

"Gracie, Benton. Gracie. I don't know what else to do. I can't help him if he won't talk to me."

Ben finally managed to track him down at a favorite restaurant. Ray seemed less than happy to see him, but agreed to give him a ride home anyway. Ray didn't speak as they drove to Fraser's apartment.

"Ray, is there something wrong?" he finally asked, trying to be casual.

"No Fraser. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I was just wondering if there was anything you wanted to tell me. You know that if something was wrong you could tell me anything, right?" He could see Ray tense up.

"Yeah, I guess," he said warily. He was instantly suspicious and eyed Fraser while still watching the road.

"Because we are best friends, more than that in fact, and I just wanted to make it clear that if anything was ever bothering you, you could tell me what it is. I'd understand."

"Sure Fraser. I get it." He knew where this was going, and needed to get Fraser out of the car as quickly as possible.

"Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"Yeah."

Fraser felt his heart sink. That was it, it was pretty obvious what was going on, but Ben still wanted to talk to him. He didn't know why, perhaps because he had promised the Leftenant and Rosa that he would. Perhaps because he was cruising for punishment. In either case, when Ray pulled up to the curb at his building he didn't get out.

"Ray, can you come up stairs for a moment? I need t talk to you."

Ray's eyes darted around like a trapped animal. "No. I can't Fraser, I gotta get home. I'm beat."

"Please Ray. We really need to talk. I won't keep you long."

"I said no. Now are you getting out or what?"

Fraser folded his arms across his chest and sat there. He could out stubborn Ray any day of the week.

"Ray, I would prefer not to have this conversation out here, but I will if I have to. It's up to you, in the car outside or in my apartment where we could at least discuss this over coffee. It's your choice."

'Shit. He really won't budge. Why is he doing this to me?' Ray thought.

"Fine Fraser, but I'm not staying. Let's go." He turned off the ignition and hopped out before Fraser could answer.

Once up stairs he insisted that Fraser and Dief enter first.

"Do you want some coffee Ray?"

"No. What do you want?"

It was clear Ray intended to be difficult. "You tell me, Ray."

"What?"

"Say what it is you have to say."

"You're the one who dragged me up here, Fraser. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bull." Ray's games were getting on his nerves.

"Since when do you talk like that?" Ray asked, getting pissed.

"Don't try to change the subject."

"How can I change the subject if I don't know what it is? Can I go now?"

"No you can't. Not until we've talked about this."

"About what?" he was being evasive and Fraser could see it. But he was also taking on a frightened look that Fraser hadn't expected, and it was scaring him.

"Please stop playing games with me Ray."

"What games?"

Ben decided to just get it out in the open, he was so frustrated.

"Ray what's wrong? Did I do something? Are you mad at me? Please tell me. Don't shut me out. I'm trying to help." Fraser pleaded.

"No. I don't need your help. There's nothing wrong with me. Just leave me the hell alone!" The best defense is a good offense, Ray figured.

"Ray..." Fraser reached out to touch him, but Ray immediately flinched away.

"Don't touch me!"

"Ray! What is it? Do you hate me that much now? Are you so repulsed by what we do that I can no longer touch you? Why don't you just say it!"

Fraser had completely lost his temper now. He felt he at least deserved to hear Ray say it, to admit he didn't love him anymore. It would break his heart to hear the words, but not having the truth from Ray was killing him anyway.

"What the hell are you talking about? Say what? What do you want from me?" Ray shouted.

He was so close now, but he'd rather die than have Benny know. 'Please, don't make me do this.' he thought. But the hurt and anger in Ben's voice was penetrating. He knew he could not stand the onslaught much longer. He wanted to run, to hide. Anything but the truth.

"I want you to tell me the truth! I want you to tell me why you've been avoiding me, and being so.... so... hostile towards me. Why you pull away every time I touch you. Why we haven't kissed or made love in weeks. Go on, say it!"

"I don't have an answer for you. I'm not mad at you. I just need some time." Ray's eyes pleaded that it would be enough. But it wasn't.

"So then what is it Ray? What's changed? What's wrong?"

"Benny, I can't. I can't tell you. Please leave it alone."

"I've tried Ray, but it keeps getting worse. Why can't you tell me?"

"You'll hate me."

"I could never hate you, Ray." He paused, afraid of his next question for fear of the answer. "Do you hate me?"

"No!"

"So what is it?"

"Benny...."

"Tell me!"

"I can't!"

"Ray..."

"Fine! I was raped OK! Is that what you wanted to hear?! Are you happy now!" Ray's face twisted into a grimace. Fraser just stared for a second, unable to move.

"Oh GOD!" Ray cried, then his whole body crumpled to the floor.

Fraser was barely able to catch him in time to keep his head from hitting the floor too. He sat there, his legs folded under him, holding Ray tight.

"He raped me!" Ray shouted into his chest. It was the first time he had said the words out loud. The first time he really admitted it to himself. "He raped me!" he repeated. Then was unable to speak as the sobs wracked his body. He clung to Ben's shirt for dear life as he let out an anguished cry.

Ben enfolded Ray in his arms as the sobs shook him. Ben's mind was in a jumble, trying to make sense of what he had just heard. 'Someone raped Ray? Someone raped Ray!' He felt his heart twist in his chest. Then too many conflicting emotions fought to come up at once. Sorrow, hurt, anger, fear, frustration, and so many others that Ben felt like they were choking him. He tried to open his mouth to say something, anything.

"Who?" he croaked. That was not what he meant to say.

"Lt. Westrum," Ray choked out. "He invited me up to his apartment. And then he.... he.... Oh, God!" He pulled in a ragged breath. "Benny, I couldn't get him off! He wouldn't stop. I tried. I... I tried."

More sobs gripped him and he couldn't continue. Ben cradled him closer to his chest, not daring to let go. He was now trying to fight back tears of his own.

"Oh God, Ray. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Please..."

He rubbed Ray's back, trying anything that might calm him. The way Ray was shaking felt like it might very well shatter his bones.

"It's okay Ray. Let it out." Ben said gently.

Ray sucked in another shuddering breath. "I didn't want you to find out. I didn't want anyone to know. I was so ashamed I wanted to die."

At this Fraser pulled Ray away from him enough to try and look him in the face. Ray kept his head down.

"Ray look at me," he said, using one hand to pull Ray's chin up. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is not your fault."

"Oh, come on Benny, don't give me that line. I should have done something. I should have stopped him somehow."

"It's not a line Ray. Do you believe rape victims can control what happens to them? That they ask for it somehow?"

"Of course not Benny. But I'm a cop. I should have been able to do something. Fight him off. Instead I just.... he just..." The sobs stole his voice once again, and Ben pulled him back to his chest.

'Ray, I swear I'll make him pay for this.' he thought to himself.

The hatred and rage he felt toward Westrum at that moment was beyond belief. He didn't think himself capable of hating anyone that much, but he did. The anger reached to the bottom of his soul. But so did his love for Ray, and Ray needed him right now. More than ever.

"Benny, I tried to get him off. I asked him to stop. But he kept hurting me." A shudder ran through Ray's body, and he buried his head further into Ben's shoulder. "It happened so fast. I didn't know what was going on. By the time I realized...." The words caught in his throat.

"Sshhhh. It's okay, you don't have to..."

"Yes, I do. Benny, I was so scared. I thought he was gonna kill me. I thought I would die there. I just wanted it to stop."

Ben could no longer hold in his tears. He tried to shut his eyes to will them away, to will Ray's pain away, but that only made them fall. They crept silently down his cheeks, into Ray's hair. He knew Ray had to let it out, he had been holding it in for weeks. Ray needed to tell him, so he held on to him and tried to make it easier in any way he could.

"It's okay Ray. I'm here." He kissed him gently on the top of his head.

"He got my gun away from me. By the time I realized, it was too late. I couldn't fight him, but he kept hitting me, and hitting me. I stopped. I should have fought harder. I shouldn't have let-"

"Ray, you didn't let him do anything. He was obviously violent. You did what you could to survive. That's all you could do."

"I thought if I stopped fighting he'd stop hurting me, that he'd let me go. But after the second time I stopped caring if I lived or died."

"Second time?!" Fraser didn't mean to interrupt, but his shock made him do so before he could stop himself.

"Yes." Ray replied weakly. "He f-finished. I couldn't get away, I could hardly move it hurt so much. I thought he'd kill me or let me go. But.... but he.... he um, he did it again."

"Oh, Ray.... Oh, God I'm sorry."

He couldn't keep from crying now either. To find that his love had not only been brutally raped once, but twice.... It was more than this heart could bear. But he listened anyway, because Ray needed him to. They rose from the floor and Ben half-carried Ray to the bed, and wrapped him in blankets. He spent the next few hours crying and comforting, listening to Rays horrible ordeal unfold.......

Ray walked into Westrum's apartment, the Lt. directly behind. He heard the door close and was about to turn to say something wise when he felt himself being tackled to the ground and all the wind was knocked out of him. Before he could even catch a breath Westrum pulled his back up gun out of his ankle holster. Ray tried to push up and away but the full weight of the heavier man was upon him. He was pinned. He felt his arm wretched behind his back and the cold metal of the cuff. His eyes went wide. 'What the hell is going on?' he thought wildly. Then the other hand was forced to join its mate. Westrum flipped him onto his back with ease.

Ray was angry. "What the hell are you....?"

He never saw the fist that came to this face, only the flash of light behind his eyes after. It was followed immediately by another blow, this one making him dizzy.

"Shut the fuck up Vecchio. Shut up or I'll kill you." Westrum's voice was harsh and primal, and it made something inside Ray shake.

Ray, never having listened much, tried to say something but found himself choking on blood. He turned his head and spit it out. Westrum was kneeling over him, straddling his legs. He started pulling on the buckle of Ray's belt, then yanked down his zipper. Ray's eyes went like saucers as comprehension and shock registered in his brain. He tried to shout. But Westrum moved faster and clamped his gigantic hand over Ray's mouth and nose.

Ray struggled harder. Not only because he now realized what Westrum was up to, but also because he couldn't breathe either. He kicked out and flailed but Westrum only punished him further with his fist. He couldn't get free, he was trapped. He managed to get a chunk of flesh between his teeth and bite down, hard.

"Ow!" Westrum jerked this hand away from the threatening jaws.

Ray sucked in a breath to shout. It was knocked out of him with a fist to the gut before he could get the chance. Westrum continued to pelt him in the ribs and gut, making anything louder than a grunt of pain from Ray impossible. Then he hit him in the head a couple of times for good measure.

When Ray hadn't struggled for a while Westrum ceased his assault. "That wasn't very smart Rookie. I should kill you now."

Ray managed to open one already swelling eye. Westrum loomed above him, grinning wickedly. Ray thought to himself, 'How ironic, killed by a cop.' He tried feebly to get up, and his ribs cried in protest.

"Oh no you don't Rookie. I'm gonna take something I've wanted for a long time."

Westrum pushed him back down and started to yank off his slacks. Ray started to panic.

"NO!" he shouted feebly. His jaw hurt too much to get out much more. "Stop! Don't!"

"I said shut up Vecchio."

Westrum ripped off the silk boxers Fraser had given him as a present. He fondled Ray and laughed viciously.

"No! Don please don't do this! Please, stop! Don't!" He tried to struggle again.

Westrum shoved Ray's own tie in his mouth first this time before covering it again with his giant hand.

'This can't be happening!' his mind screamed. 'Please don't let this be happening!'

The Lt. flipped him back onto his stomach, and Ray felt the weight of him on his back. This was indeed happening, and he was powerless to stop it.

'Nnnnoooooo!!!!!!' He tried to scream, to fight, but he was bound and gagged, and he felt it tear him in two. He thought he was dying, his soul wept. Anything but this. To struggle only got him hurt more, so he laid still. Westrum continued to assault him. Ray could hear him grunting as the thrust brutally into him. Finally Ray no longer had the physical or mental energy or will to fight. He was afraid to die; he wanted to be dead.

Ray didn't recall Westrum getting off of him exactly, he could hardly tell anything anymore. He was vaguely aware of his arms being released from behind his back. When he realized that they were partially free he made a quick attempt to pull away, but was rewarded with a hard slap across his already spinning head. He whimpered and ceased his struggles. His arms where reattached behind some stationary object, the leg of the heavy couch he thought, before Westrum left him.

His arms were no longer behind him at least, so he tried to get them loose. To move sent sharp pain to every corner of his body. He stopped when he heard the gruff voice speaking to him.

"You'd better stop that Rookie. You might make me mad."

Westrum had only gone as far as the kitchen. It faced out into the living room where Ray was pinned to the sofa. He reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water. He drank like a man that had just come back from shooting hoops or something. His casual manner angered Ray even further. If it wasn't for the fact that the man was still naked he may as well have just returned from the gym.

"Hey Rookie, want some water?" he said, as if offering a guest a drink.

Ray summoned up this voice. "I want to go home."

He had tried to make it sound tough and threatening to convince Westrum and himself that he was not beaten. But instead it came out pleading and weak, like a terrified child asking for his mother. Ray hated himself for sounding so pitiful. Westrum started laughing wickedly.

"You want to go home?" he said, mocking him. "Oh, poor Ray wants to go home." He let out another harsh laugh. "Well, I'll tell you what. Maybe I'll let you go home, if you're a good boy. But right now we ain't finished yet."

Westrum came towards him again, his groin covered in blood. Ray wondered strangely, 'Where did all that blood come from? Don's not hurt.' Then like a blow it occurred to him where all the blood came from. He felt sick, he started to gag. 'Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod....' The endless litany ran through his head. When he shrank away, Westrum kicked him in the side. Ray could smell the sweat and alcohol and musk of his tormentor, and prayed for unconsciousness. But that was not in Westrum's plan. Clamping his hand over Ray's bruised lips again to muffle the screams, he took him once again......

Ray did not remember the trip home, or even walking in the house. All that he knew was that he was home, he was alive, and Westrum had finally let him go. With threats of, "Breathe a word of this and I'll kill you. No one will believe you anyway. Your word against mine," he had been shoved in his car and wished a safe trip home. There was no sign of the violence that had occurred earlier in Westrum.

Ray himself was the only evidence. His clothing was ripped in numerous places, the zipper on his slacks busted and the buttons torn from his shirt. Plus his clothing was smeared with blood. His blood. He didn't want to think with what else. His lip was busted and his left eye swollen shut. His face was abraded from being shoved into the carpet, as were his stomach and thighs. He had bruises all over his abdomen from Westrum's fist and arms. He wondered vaguely if any of his ribs were broken. It hurt to breathe.

He ran into the bathroom and vomited in the toilet. When it seemed he would be sick forever, dry heaves shook his body, until finally even those stopped.

Returning to his room, he stripped off his ruined clothes and threw them in a black plastic trash bag, shoving it to the back of his closet. He'd burn the clothes later, when no one was at home to see him. Grabbing his robe he went into the bathroom and turned on the shower as hot as his skin could stand it. He needed to wash it all off.

He stood there for a moment, letting the hot water run all over his hanging head and battered body. He grabbed the soap and scrubbed frantically at his skin. It hurt to touch some places, but he continued, scrubbing until he thought every place he had been touched by that monster was scrubbed clean. Then his legs seemed no longer able to support him. He sank to the bottom of the tub and drew his knees up, sending pain shooting through his torso. He put his head on his arms across his knees. He wanted it all to go away.

He lost track of how long he sat in there, trying to make sense of all that had happened. He didn't know what to do. So he sat in the shower, letting the water pour over him, wanting to wash away the pain, the smell, the feelings.... the memory.

Suddenly, through all the chaos, a strange, arcane thought occurred to him, 'Oh my God, I'm a victim.' He had never seen himself as *a victim* before. It was the bucket of water that finally broke the damn, a flood of tears poured out of him. Gut wrenching sobs were torn from his thin frame. He couldn't stop. He sank even further into the tub, like a boneless heap unable to support his own weight. The late hour and running water prevented anyone else in the house from hearing him. So like earlier that night, his cries for help went unanswered.

In the morning Ray had gotten out of the house quickly before anyone could see him. In a house with so many people it was not an easy task. But if any of them saw the condition he was in there would have been too many questions. Questions he was not ready to fend off yet, and telling the truth was unthinkable.

He knew he was in bad shape and needed to see a doctor. His ribs ached and he was still bleeding. Particularly from one place. There was no way, however, that he was going to go to his regular doctor. He didn't want anyone he knew to know what happened. So he went to a clinic on the other side of town.

The doctor was a good man and did not ask too many questions, and Ray was grateful for that. At one point the small quiet man asked Ray if he would like him to call the police. For one insane moment Ray had almost answered 'He was a cop,' but stopped himself short, and simply answered with a curt "No."

"Mr. Venduchi" the doctor said, for Ray had given a false name, "I know this is difficult for you, but perhaps you would like some time to think about it and then speak to a counselor."

"I don't need a counselor. And the last thing I need is cops." Ray said, becoming angry.

"Okay," the doctor said gently, backing off. "But I will give you the name of a good counselor I know, in case you change your mind. He deals specifically with male rape victims. I also want you to take this literature." He gave Ray several pamphlets, some on acquaintance rape. Ray thought he would be sick.

"I'll also need to give you a few prescriptions, and you'll need to make a follow up appointment as well Mr. Venduchi."

Ray had waited for his prescriptions and the doctor gave him a few pills to get him home. The doctor asked if Ray had someone to drive him home and he lied and said yes. On the way out of the clinic Ray tossed all the literature, including the name of the counselor, in the trash. The only thing he kept was the prescriptions for the medications. He told not a soul about it.

************************************

Ben woke up fatigued the next morning; it was more than physical exhaustion that weighted him down. He had spent the night listening to Ray, calming him when he needed it, comforting him when it became too difficult. And praying to God he had the strength to be strong enough for Ray.

He looked down at the sleeping figure next to him. The pleasure this activity usually gave him was not present; instead he was deeply troubled. Ray looked tired, even in sleep. His full lips were drawn and thin, and there were dark circles under his eyes that were still puffy from crying. When Ray had finally fallen asleep the night before, or rather early this morning, it had been a fretful sleep. Filled with tossing and turning, the occasional whimper or moan, and his face would become tight, clearly not pleasant dreams. Every time this happened Ben comforted him in his sleep, patting him and whispering that he was there and everything was all right. That had calmed Ray down after a moment, never having woke up from the bad dreams. Fraser held him in his arms, hoping his presence would help keep the bad dreams at bay.

Fraser had hardly slept at all. Not only because of Ray's restlessness, but because of his own too. His mind was racing, trying to come up with the best plan of action, trying to make sense of what he had learned. Ray had been raped. He hadn't told anyone. The man responsible had not only called himself a friend, but was still out there free. Ray needed his help. What could he do? How was he going to stop himself from going out and strangling Westrum with his bare hands? He did not yet have the answers, or at least wasn't sure with the ones he had.

Ray woke up with the feeling that someone was watching him. He froze for a second, afraid to move. Then that someone touched him, and he panicked. He sat bolt up right in bed, ready to fend off any attacker, already moving away from the solid body next to his. He fell out of the narrow bed and landed with a thump on the hard floor.

"Ray, wait. It's all right Ray, it's me Ben." Fraser tried to reach for him on the floor.

For a moment Ray backed away further and smacked at Ben's hands. Then Ben's voice penetrated through the fog of his half sleep mind and he stopped. Ben held on to Ray's wrists and looked into his wild eyes.

"Ray, it's okay. I won't hurt you." Ben took Ray in his arms and guided him gently back to the bed. After a while Ray's breathing finally returned to normal.

"I'm sorry Benny. I didn't mean to freak you out." Ray's voice finally broke the silence.

"It's okay, Ray. I think you scared yourself more than you scared me." Ben stroked Ray's hair and back.

"Yeah, I guess I did. You ever wake up and not remember where you are? That sort of happened to me just now, it scared the hell out of me. Especially since I knew someone was with me."

"I understand. You don't need to explain."

Ray pulled back a little so he could look at Ben's face.

"Benny.... Thank you.... for staying with me last night. For helping me, you know."

"Ray, you don't have to thank me. I love you. You needed me to be here. I needed to be here with you." He paused, hesitant, but he had to ask. "Ray, why didn't you tell me?"

Ray lowered his eyes, his voice became soft. "I wanted to tell you Benny, but I was afraid you'd hate me. I wanted to run to you a let you make everything all right. But I was so scared, I just couldn't do it."

"Oh, Ray. We'll get through this. I promise." He kissed him gently on the cheek.

Ray sighed and snuggled into Ben's chest. He wanted nothing more than to stay here forever, safe from everything. But then reality crawled into his mind.

"Benny, we have to go to work."

"No, we don't. You're not going to work, and I'm not leaving you."

"Don't be silly, Fraser. I can't just ditch work, and neither can you. I'll be fine, really."

"Ray...." he took a deep breath, trying to put it plainly. "Ray, you are not fine. You're a mess. Welsh doesn't want you to come back until you've fixed whatever has been making you so edgy. I don't know if you've realized, but everyone has been dreading working with you lately. You've been quite hellish these past two weeks. You need time to recover. Time you didn't give yourself before, time you need now."

"Benny, I don't need...."

"Yes, you do." Ben sighed. "Ray, there is nothing wrong with admitting you need to heal. Anyone would. Why do you think you've been so mad at everyone? You can't just go on pretending nothing happened. It's only made it worse. You'll go crazy trying to do this on your own. Please Ray, let me help you."

Ray looked up into Benny's eyes. He did need help, he knew that. He had tried to keep everyone out and was not only making them angry, but himself as well. He just nodded his answer, pulling himself back into Benny's arms. Ben kissed his temple and let Ray bury his face in the crook of his shoulder. Ray was obviously still exhausted, for he was asleep again in minutes.

While Ray slept, Ben came up with an immediate plan of action. Most of it centered on how to best help Ray. The rest focused on how to deal with Westrum. In his haste, Ray had washed away most of the evidence, and since it had been weeks since the incident, most of the bruises were gone. His medical records from the clinic would be able to prove that Ray had been assaulted, but not by whom.

He figured he'd find a way to deal with all of that later, right now Ray was what most concerned him. He had lost weight in the weeks since the rape, and clearly had not been sleeping well. He had tried to deal with this all by himself. What it must have cost a man that was usually so open and expressive, to hide something that terrible so deep inside, Ben could not imagine. But it did explain his moodiness and erratic behavior of the past two weeks. No wonder Ray had suddenly stopped all of his attentions toward him; the very thought of another man touching him probably repulsed Ray. Ben shuddered at the thought.

The first thing he'd have to do was get some time off for Ray. That shouldn't be too difficult. Welsh and everyone else at the precinct really were fed up with his misbehavior. Welsh had all but told Ben not to bring Ray back until the detective was in better sorts. He didn't blame them, Ray had bitten off practically everyone's head if they so much as looked at him side ways.

He also figured he would need a little time off himself to be with Ray. Ray would probably object, insisting he did not need a baby-sitter, but he'd stay with him for a few days at least, until he felt confident Ray could be left alone. Looking down at the slim figure, it was obvious Ray had not been taking proper care of himself. How he had managed to get so thin in the Vecchio household was a mystery. How had he managed to hide it from Rosa? This made Ben realize that he did not have much in the way of food in his house. At least, not what Ray considered food. He would have to do some shopping if he and Ray were going to eat descent for the next several days. He also needed to call the Consulate and the Precinct to tell them he and Ray would not be in for the next few days.

He slipped out of bed slowly, careful not to wake his lover. He fished into Ray's jacket pocket to get his cell phone. He called both places, saying that he and then Ray wouldn't be in for a while. He also left a message with Elaine to tell Welsh that he would be in later that day to talk to him. He thanked her kindly when she said she hoped Ray would feel better soon, then hung up.

He got dressed quickly after that, wanting to run his errands and be back before Ray woke up. He had a few stops to make, and it would take him hours to walk to all these places. Ben had a decision to make. Ray trusted him with his body, his soul, his heart, and now even with his deepest secret. But with his Riv? He remembered what happened the last time that he had borrowed Ray's car. Dare he borrow it again? Without asking? He couldn't wake Ray and he didn't have much choice. Writing a quick note to Ray in case he woke up while he was gone, Ben took the Riv.

His first stop was Ray's house. Ray kept a few changes of clothes at Ben's house since they had become lovers, but he hadn't stayed over in weeks, and he had no pajamas at Ben's either. They had never needed them before. Besides, he knew that Rosa was worried about Ray, and he owed it to her to tell her in person that Ray wouldn't be home for a few days. He did not tell her why, he couldn't possibly. She was worried, of course, and curious about what was going on. But she was also confident that Ben would handle it.

Next he stopped at the Consulate to request some time off and to get some paper work to take home with him. He hoped to get out without speaking directly to Thatcher, but luck was not with him that day. He got out of it as best he could. When she asked why he needed the leave he said family emergency. It had been on the tip of her tongue to ask "What family?" but she figured that would be rude. She is Canadian after all. Eyeing him suspiciously she had granted his leave.

"Constable," she said, stopping him before he could reach the door.

"Yes, sir?" He was trying to make a quick exit.

"Does this have anything to do with Detective Vecchio?"

"Why do you ask, sir?" It seemed to be coming dangerously close to insubordination for him to ask her that, but he would not tell her anything about Ray.

"It's just that every time you miss work that Detective is involved somehow. I'm sure I don't need to remind you again that you do not work for the Chicago PD."

"No sir, that won't be necessary." Pause. "May I go now?"

It was plain he did not intend to answer her question. "Dismissed," she said, with a wave of her hand.

He saved the hardest stop for last, or next to last since he still had yet to shop. He pulled up at the precinct, readying himself for what he had to tell Welsh. It was not easy hearing it, telling it to someone else would be a nightmare. But it had to be done, Welsh knew something was wrong with Ray, and his job may be at stake. Besides, if Westrum were going to be brought to justice they would need Welsh's help. He hoped Ray would understand.

Elaine, as always, was glad to see him, and asked if Ray was feeling any better. He told her Ray would probably be back at work next week. It was the only answer he could think of that wouldn't be a lie.

"Wow, a week without Ray? How will we ever manage?" she rolled her eyes dramatically. "Welsh will see you in a minute. Why don't you sit down?"

"Thank you kindly, Elaine, but I prefer to stand."

He was too nervous to sit, so he stood fiddling with the rim of his hat, as he often did when he was tense. His actions did not go unnoticed by Elaine, who suddenly became very worried about Ray. Welsh poked his head out of the door.

"Constable, step into my office."

He was glad to have an excuse to get away from Elaine's questioning stare, but he knew it was like stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Welsh closed the door behind him. There was no turning back now. He thought he could trust Welsh with the truth.

"So, Constable Fraser, to what do I owe the pleasure of your presence and Vecchio's absence this morning. Is it possible that fate is finally smiling down upon me?" Welsh settled in behind his desk.

"Uh, no sir. I came to explain why Ray won't be in for a while. And to ask your advice."

"I assume this has something to do with why Vecchio has been in such a charming mood lately?"

"Yes, sir, I'm afraid so."

Welsh studied Fraser for a moment. From the way the Constable was acting, he feared this might be worse than he originally thought.

"OK. Spill it."

"You see, sir, it seems Ray was assaulted two weeks ago. That is why he hasn't been himself lately. He needs some time to recover."

"Assaulted? By who?"

"A fellow officer, sir. That is part of the reason he didn't say anything."

"Part of the reason? What's the other part?" He was almost afraid to ask.

"Well, not only who the officer is, but the nature of the assault." Ben was still trying to get himself ready for this, though he doubted he ever would be.

"Nature of the as...? Constable, do you want to spit it out or should I sit here playing guessing games all day? I do have a division to run."

"Yes, sir." Ben took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He let it out before meeting Welsh's eyes again. "Ray was raped, sir." There, he'd said it, and it was one of the most painful things he'd ever done.

"What?"

"Ray was raped. That's why he can't come in for a while. I thought he needed to rest."

"I heard what you said Constable. I just.... " He rose from his chair and walked around his desk.

"You said it was done by a fellow officer. Who is this bastard?" Welsh's own anger was starting to show, although he kept it mostly in check.

"Leftenant Westrum, sir."

"Donald Westrum? Unbelievable." Welsh ran this hand down his face.

"I suppose that is exactly why Ray never told anyone." Ben didn't keep the touch of his own anger from his voice.

"No, I didn't mean it like that Constable. I mean... Shit."

"Yes, sir."

There was a tense silence.

"Where is Ray now?"

"He's staying with me for a while."

"With you? I thought his mother wouldn't have let him out of her sight after this."

"She doesn't know yet, sir. I am the only one Ray told, and now you. He'd like to keep this as quiet as possible. He doesn't want anyone to know. That's why I need your help."

"I'll do everything I can Constable. We'll need Ray to come in as soon as he's ready. For now tell me what you know."

"It happened the night of the Leftenant's award ceremony. Ray was sick after that."

"And we're just finding out about this now? Jeez. No wonder he's been so edgy...

Those bruises. Damn it. A room full of cops and not one of us caught on."

Ben knew exactly how he felt. He had seen those awful bruises on Ray's face and had left it alone. Perhaps if he would have pushed....

"I don't suppose there is any more evidence linking Westrum to his crime? Anything that would help us build a case?"

"No. Ray got rid of everything that night. He didn't know what else to do." Ben looked crestfallen, as bad as Welsh felt.

"Well, we'll have to find some other way to nail that son of a bitch."

Ben looked up, his eyes hopeful. He was grateful for Welsh's faith in Ray, for taking him at his word. "Thank you, Leftenant."

"Your welcome, Constable. And tell Ray to take all the time he needs. He can make this statement when he comes back. In the mean time I'll put Huey on this. Discretely. He won't know about Ray."

"Thanks again Leftenant."

He thought about his next move for a moment. If Welsh was going to investigate, he should know one more thing, but Ben wasn't sure he could tell him. Welsh caught the look on his face.

"Is there something else, Constable?" He folded his arms over this chest.

"Uh, yes sir. You see...." He had trusted him this far, might as well go all the way. "You see, Ray and I.... That is, shortly before this incident occurred, Ray and I had started a relationship... of an intimate nature."

For a fraction of a second, something flickered across Welsh's impassive face. Then it was gone quicker than it appeared.

"Oh. I see." If he was surprised, shocked, or disgusted, he did a great job of hiding it.

"I only mention it because if we are able to get something on Westrum, this may came up in the future. I thought you should know." Ben waited for any reaction that would show how Lt. Welsh felt about this news, but his face remained neutral.

"You realize this may complicate matters," the Lieutenant finally said. It wasn't a question.

"Yes. We both do. But we're not to blame for this. And I won't leave Ray, especially when he needs me so much." Ben keep eye contact, he was not ashamed of loving Ray.

He never would be.

"I understand, Constable. Your friend needs you."

"Yes, he does." Ben's chest was released from a vice he'd not known it was in.

"Take good care of him. And don't worry, we'll get Westrum. You can tell Ray I said that."

"Thank you sir. I will."

Welsh showed Ben out of his office, giving him a few last words of encouragement. As he headed for the doors, he could hear Welsh calling Huey into his office. Ben was sure that Welsh would do everything in his power to help.

*********************************************

Ray woke up slowly, felling for the warm body next to him. It wasn't there. The realization brought him instantly awake.

"Benny?" he called softly, blinking his eyes and trying to focus around the room.

Then he noticed a folded piece of paper with his name on it on the trunk by the bed. He read the note:

'Ray-

Went to get us some breakfast. Be back soon.

-Love Ben.'

He had no idea how long Fraser had been gone; soon could mean now or a half-hour from now. He knew Fraser usually had nothing good in the fridge, so he was glad that he had thought to go shopping. In the mean time he figured he'd take a shower and get dressed.

He had just come out of the shower when Ben got back. He walked in just in time to see him setting the grocery bags on the table.

"Hello Ray. I've bought us enough food to last us for a week or so. I wasn't sure what you were in the mood for, so a got a little of everything."

"What ever you like is fine Benny. I'm not too picky."

Ben gave him a sideways look.

"Okay, I am picky. But I'm so hungry I could eat my shoe. Whatever is quick is fine."

"Good. How about toast and eggs?"

"Sounds great. I'll go get dressed."

Ben made his way into he kitchen while Ray grabbed some fresh clothes out of the bag Ben had brought. He noticed Ray left the small apartment with his clothes to go change in the bathroom.

Breakfast was ready by the time Ray came back, and they ate in relative silence. Ben kept offering Ray more every time his plate became empty, and was pleased that Ray actually accepted. Finally it seemed Ray was full, and Ben cleared away the dishes.

"So Fraser, you've got me sitting home. What do you intend to do all day?" Ray asked, still seated at the table.

"Nothing Ray. That is the whole concept of resting, not doing anything." Ben answered honestly. "You have the rest of the week off at least so you might as well get used to it."

"The rest of the week? How did you manage that?" Ray seemed suspicious.

"I told Welsh you weren't feeling well and needed some time off. I wasn't too hard." Ben hoped that would be enough. He wasn't sure if Ray was ready for the whole story.

There was a long silence where the only sounds in the apartment were those made by the running water and clanking dishes. Finally Ray spoke up.

"I've been a real jerk lately, haven't I Benny?"

"Not at all Ray." Ray gave him a look. "OK, you have. But under the circumstances I think you were entitled."

Ray grunted. "Under the circumstances. That's one way of putting it." Ray glanced up at Fraser, who had stopped washing the dishes and was now looking straight at him. "I'm sorry Fraser. I know I put you through a lot these past two weeks. I was a real jerk to you. I can imagine what you must have thought." Ray looked miserable.

"It's okay Ray, really." He kneeled in front of him, resting his hands on Ray's shoulders. "I forgave you the moment you told me. I know why you did it, I understand." He offered Ray a reassuring smile.

"Benny." Ray relaxed into Fraser's loose embrace with his head on Ben's shoulder. He just enjoyed the feel of Ben holding him again, something the thought he'd never want or didn't deserve just a few days ago.

"What am I gonna do? I'm so confused. I just get so angry sometimes, ya know? I didn't mean to hurt you, but at the same time I didn't care if I did. I was so mad at everyone, and myself. I was so afraid people would find out, that they'd think I was to blame. I thought I caused it somehow. That maybe if you and I hadn't....." He wrapped his arms tighter around Fraser and started to tremble, his body tense. Ben held him close, afraid to let go.

"Ray, nothing you or I did caused this. Only one person is responsible for it, and we'll make sure he receives justice."

Ray jumped back, "What?" he said, startled. "Fraser, no. Stay away from Westrum, okay. I don't want to hear about him. Just leave it alone, please." Ray pleaded.

"But Ray-"

"No Benny. I.... I don't want you near him, all right. I can't...." Ray got up and walked to the window, but not before Fraser could see the pain in his eyes.

Ben went to Ray and put his hands on his shoulders. "All right Ray, I won't mention it again. I just want you to be all right. Whatever you want is fine."

Ray turned to face Fraser, tears still in his eyes, but he seemed a little better. "Thanks Benny. Just... stay away from him. You don't know what he'll do...." Ray shivered, and Ben enveloped him in his arms again.

In Ray's mind Westrum was still someone big and powerful, capable of taking everything away from him, including his life. He couldn't stand the thought of Benny anywhere near him, it terrified him. If Westrum found out that Ben knew, that Ray had told him, he'd.... Ray shivered again, not wanting to think of what Don would do to him or Fraser. He hoped he'd never have to find out.

***********************************

The next several days Fraser and Ray spent at the apartment. They fell into an easy routine, walking Dief, going for drives, but mostly just talking. Ray did seem to be doing a lot better, but he was not nearly all right. He was still too quiet, at least for Ray, and he was very subdued. He almost never smiled, and when he did it seemed forced, not the warm open smile that Fraser loved so much. He had to be reminded to eat, and even when he did eat it wasn't very much.

But worst of all were the nightmares. Ray had them almost every night, and often woke from them looking panicked and confused, his eyes searching the room for some threat. Fraser would hold him and try to calm him down, and Ray lay clutching him for dear life. Ray sometimes tried his best to stay wake, not wanting to fall into another bad dream, but he was so tired from lack of sleep he would eventually drift off. Only when Ray's breathing steadied would Fraser allow himself to sleep as well. But sometimes Ray could not fall back to sleep, and they would stay up all night talking softly, until the sun finally rose over Chicago. They would lie in bed, completely clothed in pajamas, watching the sun, until they got up for breakfast.

Ray had been at Fraser's house for over a week when the cell phone rang one morning. Ray had almost forgotten he still had the thing.

"Vecchio." he answered.

"Hello Raymondo. It's good to hear from you."

"Ma! I'm sorry I haven't called you. I, ah, I've been a little distracted."

"It's okay Raymondo, as long as you are feeling better. You are better, aren't you?"

"Yeah Ma, I'm feeling a lot better, thanks."

Before he knew it he and Fraser had been roped into coming to dinner that night. He was actually looking forward to it. He did miss his family a little, and it was an excuse to get out of the house and away from Benny's cooking.

"So I'll see you boys tonight?"

"Yeah Ma, we'll be there, and on time."

"Good, caro. Now let me speak to Benton." Ray handed him the phone.

"Yes Rosa?"

"Benton, I want to thank you for taking such good care of my boy. He sounds so much better. You have done a great job."

"Thank you Rosa, that means a lot to me."

"You're welcome Benton. I'll see you tonight. Good-bye caro."

They arrived at the Vecchio home shortly before dinnertime to make the usual rounds. Ray was noticeably quiet, even Fraser being more extroverted then he was, but no one said anything about it. This was completely out of the ordinary, and they must have all known it. Ben wondered whether it was because Mrs. Vecchio told them Ray wasn't feeling well or if they just knew. In either case dinner passed uneventfully.

By the time the evening was over Ray was beat. He said he had to drive Fraser home as their means of escape, and it seemed that would work, until Maria offered to let Tony take him, saying Ray looked too tired to drive. Ray was too tired to drive, but his still rather frayed temper combined with his crankiness from lack of sleep would not allow him to admit it. Besides, it would also mean spending the night without Ben beside him. Ray had insisted that he could drive him, and an argument had nearly broke out before Mrs. Vecchio intervened with her calm voice of reason.

"Why doesn't Benton just stay here tonight? Uncle Alfredo has the guest room, but I'm sure Ray wouldn't mind sharing his room for the night. I'll get some extra blankets."

That settled all arguments. Ray and Fraser retired to his room for the night, with no one the least suspicious. Ray was grateful for his Great Aunt Lucinda, who sent him pajamas almost every year for Christmas. The thing was, she always seemed to think he was about two sizes larger than he actually was, and for once that came in handy as he lent them to Fraser. Ray was glad to be back in the soft, large bed, but they snuggled up close anyway, not taking up much more room than they had at home.

They woke up early the next morning, eager to get back to Fraser's. Ben was helping Ray pack a few extra clothes when he noticed something in the back of the closet.

"Ray, what is this?" he asked, holding up a black trash bag.

Ray went deathly pale, "It's nothing. Just some trash I meant to throw out." His voice was unsteady.

"Ray, what's wrong?" Ben became alarmed by Ray's reaction.

"Nothing. It's only a stupid ruined suit." His voice became thin.

He wanted to grab the bag out of Fraser's hand and toss it out the window, but he couldn't bear to touch the thing.

"What's in here Ray?"

When Ray didn't answer Fraser began to take the knot out of the top of the bag. That forced Ray into action.

"Don't!" he said, grabbing Fraser's hands. He still couldn't touch the bag directly. "Please don't open that Benny. I told you, it's just a ruined suit."

Ben looked into Ray's anguished eyes that were so full of pain. In that moment he thought he knew what was wrong.

"Ray... is this the suit you were wearing the night it happened?" he asked softly.

Ray nodded. "I meant to burn it when I got the chance, but I forgot it was back there." His voice was shaking with the effort to speak.

"It's okay, Ray. I'll take care of it." He set the bag down and took Ray in his arms.

Ray leaned against Ben and let out a deep breath, "Thank you Benny."

"Don't worry about it Ray."

Later that afternoon, Ben drove to the precinct to speak to Welsh. He had called him earlier to say he had something he might need. He didn't tell Ray where he was going, and he didn't want to discuss over the phone what he needed to tell the Lieutenant.

Welsh ushered him into his office immediately and shut the door. "You have something for me Constable?" Better to cut to the chase.

"Yes sir. These are the clothes Ray was wearing the night of the incident."

Welsh seemed surprised. "I thought you said he got rid of all the evidence."

"I thought he had. Apparently he forgot to dispose of these."

"Let me see that."

He handed the bag to Welsh, who proceeded to open the knot. He then picked up a letter opener from his desk and poked around in the bag with that.

"This is definitely one of Ray's suits," he said pulling up the jacket with the letter opener.

Fraser recognized the light jacket immediately, but that was not what made him feel sick. The nausea came from the sight of the dried blood on the lapels and shoulders. Ray's blood, and knowing about the violence that caused it, made Fraser feel light headed and the room bean to spin. A voice spoke to him from far away. The next thing he knew he was being sat down on the couch; his hands were pressed over his face.

"Constable, do you need a drink of water?" Welsh asked, concerned.

"No. I'm fine."

Welsh was unconvinced. He opened the door to his office. "Elaine, can you get me drink of water." He hunched over Fraser. "Sorry Constable, I should have known better."

The water arrived and Fraser gulped it down eagerly, despite claiming he didn't need any.

"Thanks, that will be all Elaine." Welsh practically slammed the door in her face. "Are you okay now Fraser?"

"I'll be fine Leftenant."

Welsh closed the plastic bag. "I'll put these in an evidence bag. This with Ray's testimony should be enough for IA and the DA to look into Westrum."

"About that Leftenant... I don't think Ray is ready to make a statement yet. He doesn't want to talk about Westrum at all."

"He'll have to make a statement eventually if we're gonna get this guy. He can take some time, but the faster we move on this the better."

"I know, but he's just not ready. Could we postpone the involvement of Internal Affairs until we have more evidence? It would destroy Ray if Westrum was able to get away with this."

"Okay Constable, I'll keep Huey on this a bit longer to see what he finds out."

"That would be good, Leftenant."

"Now get out of here Constable. And give Ray my regards, will you."

"Yes sir. Thank you." Fraser walked out of the Lieutenant's office.

Welsh did not tell Fraser that he didn't think there would not be much more evidence forthcoming. The investigation so far had turned up very little, certainly not enough to warrant the arrest of Westrum. Huey complained that it was hard to conduct an investigation when he wasn't sure what he was looking for. Welsh was inclined to agree, but he could not break Ray and Fraser's trust by telling Huey what was going on. All he had told him was that he had reason to believe that Westrum had assaulted a fellow officer, and that his investigation needed to be kept absolutely quiet. He had strict orders to report only to Welsh and to be as subtle as possible when looking into Westrum's affairs. Don knew people all over the department as well as the scum on the streets, so if word got out, it wouldn't be too hard for Westrum to find out someone was poking around. This had to be done with the utmost care. And if there was one thing Huey was it was careful.

**********************************************

Ray seemed to draw back a little after Ben found the bag in the closet. He hardly said two words to Ben in the next few days. Fraser watched him closely, waiting for the explosion that was sure to come, but it didn't happen. One day Ray suddenly stopped being so quiet and was actually in a good mood for a change. He sat happily at the table making a sandwich and humming a tune to himself.

"You know Benny, I feel much better lately, and I haven't had much to do around here."

Ben looked up from the book he was reading across the table. One eyebrow cocked.

"Yes?"

"I was thinking, maybe I should go back to work tomorrow," he said to Ben shyly.

"Do you feel ready to go back Ray? It is up to you."

"Sure, I'm fine. Besides, I can't take anymore sick days, Welsh will have kittens. He's gonna start to think something is wrong."

Ben had been dreading this. Not because Ray wanted to go back to work, he was actually happy about that, but because he was not looking forward to Ray having to make his statement about the rape. Ben hadn't told him yet, but there was no putting it off any longer.

"Ray?" Ben said hesitantly.

"Yeah?" Ben's tone told him something was up.

"Welsh knows. I told him."

"What?" softly. That scared Fraser more than a shout could have. It was eerie.

"I said I-"

"I heard you what said!" Ray shouted. "Why?"

"Because he needed to know Ray. He knew something was wrong, he was concerned about you."

"So you just decide to tell him without asking me? Jeez Fraser, how could you?!" Ray's voice had raised considerably and his face was twisted with anger.

"Ray, Welsh will keep it quiet. He promised he'd be very discrete with the investigation."

"Investigation?! I told you I didn't want to hear about it, Benny. Why are you doing this to me? I trusted you. I thought you understood I didn't want to talk about this."

"Ray, I'm sorry. I thought you would want to see him pay for what he did, to at least make sure he wasn't free to do it again."

"What? Don doesn't go around..." but he couldn't finish.

He didn't know what Don did. He once thought he had, but now...? His mind couldn't rationalize between the man he had always thought of as a friend and mentor, a sort of hero, with the one who had hurt him so much. Had Don done this kind of thing before? Could he again? Ray became more angry and confused trying to think about it, and he only had one way to focus that anger.

"How could you do that Benny? Do you think anyone will believe me, a detective, over the super Lieutenant?"

"I believe you Ray, and so does Welsh."

"But what about a court of law, Fraser? What do you think will happen when people find out? Huh? I won't be able to be a cop anymore. Not a real one. And how long do you think it will be before they find out about us Fraser? Then it'll all be over, no one will want to work with me. For God sakes, they kicked you out of Canada for turning in the guy that killed your father. What do you think they'll do to me for turning in one of the most highly decorated cops in all of Chicago for rape? No one will take me seriously. I'll just be that queer who cried rape!"

"Don't say that!" Ben cried, shocked and hurt.

"What, you don't like that word? Queer? Well get used to it Benny, 'cause that's what they're gonna call us. Queer, faggot, cocksucker and a whole lot of worse things. Is that what you want? For us to be humiliated and for him to laugh at us? That's what's gonna happen. Guys like him don't get nailed for things like this. That's just the way it is."

"You *can't* believe that, Ray. You *have* to have faith in the law we fight to uphold. We have nothing to be ashamed of for loving one another. You're not ashamed, are you?"

That deflated Ray's anger. Surely Benny could not be that gullible? Of course not, but he always had faith in people, and especially the law. He could not believe that a person like Westrum could win. It just didn't fit. Ray stopped shouting, suddenly exhausted by the whole thing, and tried to explain.

"No, of course not Benny," he said, sounding calmer, but drained. "It's just that they'll twist it and turn it to make it seem dirty and perverted. My love for you is the only pure thing I have left. Please Benny, don't let him take that away from me too, he's already taken so much."

He was looking directly into Ben's eyes, trying to hold back tears. Ben realized what he had done to his best friend and hated himself for it. He knew he had to let Ray make the decisions for himself, but he had unwittingly tried to force it.

He took a step toward his friend. "Okay Ray. I understand, and I'm sorry. I won't say anything about it, and I'll tell Welsh to drop it. I'm really sorry."

"You said that already Fraser. You apologize too much." Ray tried to smile faintly. Fraser returned it a little; he was glad Ray had decided to forgive him a little at least.

"Just promise me one thing Fraser."

"Anything Ray." He'd do anything to make it up to him.

"Promise me you won't do that any more. I need to know you're on my side."

"I promise Ray. I didn't mean to go behind your back. I honestly thought-"

"It's okay Benny, I forgive you."

Then Ray leaned forward, closing the gap between them. He brushed his lips lightly against Ben's, a shy kiss. Ben was afraid to move at first, then he returned the slight pressure hesitantly. He let Ray break the brief kiss.

When he looked into Ray's eyes they sparkled, not with tears this time, but with love. He hugged him, so happy to see that expression again, and Ray returned the embrace.

"I still love you Benny. I do."

"I love you too. And I promise to do better."

They stayed that way for a while, just holding one another. Everything else seemed far away and unimportant at that moment. All that mattered was that they were together. Everything would be all right.

****************************************************

Ray didn't go to work the next day, but the day after instead. He was not looking forward to facing Welsh, but Ben said he would stand by him when he did. Ray was glad Benny was willing to back him up, but he assured him he could do it on his own. He had to. Fraser was reluctant to let him, but he backed down, saying if Ray should change his mind to just say the word. Fraser's support gave Ray an inner strength.

It went a lot better than Ray thought it would. He thought he'd barely be able to face Welsh with the knowledge that he knew about everything. But he had marched right into Welsh's office, determined to get his point across.

"Lieutenant, can I speak to you for a moment?" he said, shoulders squared.

"Sure Vecchio. What's on your mind." As if he couldn't guess.

Ray stood directly in front of the Lieutenant's desk. Welsh didn't say anything at first, waiting for Ray to speak.

"Look," Ray started, "I understand Fraser told you some things, and you started an investigation on my behalf."

"Yes, he did," Welsh offered warily. The tone in Ray's voice alerted him something was wrong. "We just need you to give an official statement and...."

"I wanted to tell you to forget it," Ray interrupted. "Fraser made a mistake and I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to press charges and I don't want this to go any further. Drop it."

The Lieutenant merely studied him for a moment, then nodded his head slowly.

"All right." he said. "If that's the way you feel about it. But if you decide to change your mind..."

"I won't," Ray said curtly, cutting him off again.

"Okay." He paused and looked at him a second longer, "Dismissed," the Lt. said.

Ray walked out to his own desk to resume his work. Nothing else was said about it.

Most things seemed to be back to normal, for a while at least.

*************************************************

Ray sat at his desk, exasperated. He had been back at work for a few weeks already and was catching up on his case load. Welsh was still reluctant to let him back out on the streets, but it wouldn't be long now. In the mean time he had to deal with the more mundane aspects of police work. He hated dealing with the DA's office almost as much as he hated paper work, and when the two combined it was a nightmare. He was on the phone for what seemed like hours arguing his case with the assistant DA. Finally they decided that Ray should just come down to the office to help clear things up. He'd have to go there right after lunch. As if Ray didn't have better things to do with his time. He was on the edge of annoyed when he heard the familiar clicking of dog nails on the linoleum. He smiled to himself, bad mood forgotten.

"Ray, there is a call for you on line two." Elaine said.

Great, while he was on the phone with that bozo from the DA's, someone had been trying to reach him. He clicked over to the blinking line.

"Vecchio," he answered cheerfully, just catching sight of Fraser.

"Hello, Rookie. It's nice to hear from you again." Ray's face went instantly pale. "So Ray, do you miss me at all? 'Cause I sure miss you. I miss you so much in fact I think I might come see you. Especially since you're so interested in what I do. I heard somebody from your division has been asking questions about me. Now I know that must be just a rumor, right Rookie? I'd hate to think you told someone about what we did, 'cause you know what would happen then."

Elaine had stopped Fraser at her desk, wanting to make her usual fuss over him. But from across the room Fraser could see Ray starting to shake. The look on his face was close to sheer horror and his knuckles where white from gripping the phone so tight. Something was terribly wrong.

With a quick, "Excuse me Elaine," Fraser started toward Ray's desk, leaving a baffled civilian aid looking after him.

"Let me clear this up for you, Rookie," Westrum continued over the phone, "I thought I told you to keep your mouth shut. You think anyone will believe you? You don't want to make me mad, Vecchio. Remember that, or else I'll have to remind you." With that Westrum hung up, and Ben was standing in front of Ray's desk.

"Ray, what's wrong?" Fraser asked, alarmed.

Ray didn't answer, he couldn't find his voice.

"Ray? What's the matter?" He grasped his shoulder and Ray pulled back.

He still didn't say anything. All he could hear was Westrum's words echoing in his ears. He couldn't stay here. He bolted from his chair and out the door before Ben could stop him.

"Ray!" he called after him, starting to follow.

"What's wrong with Ray?" Elaine asked, halting him with her words.

"Elaine, who was on the phone?"

"What?" She didn't understand.

"Who was on that phone?" he asked again, frantic. He had reached out and grabbed her arms, and was gripping them a little too tightly.

"It was Ray's friend Don, the guy from the 25th." she answered, shocked at Fraser's urgency. He was actually hurting her a little.

He quickly released her and ran after Ray, saying something under his breath that she couldn't catch. By the time Fraser got outside he was just in time to see the Riv squealing off into traffic.

"Ray, wait!" he shouted, knowing it was no use.

His friend was gone, God only knew where and what must be going through his head. Ben was worried beyond words, but he knew he couldn't catch him, and he had no idea where Ray was headed. Reluctantly, he went back into the precinct.

Welsh was waiting by his office, having noticed the small commotion. When Fraser come back sans Ray, Welsh called him into his office and closed the door.

"I already found out from Elaine who that call was from. I told her if Westrum ever calls again he is to be transferred to my office, no matter who he asks for."

"Thank you Leftenant." Although they both knew it was a futile gesture.

"I don't suppose this will encourage Ray to change his mind about pressing charges?"

"No sir, I doubt it." Ben kept his head down, his eyes cast on the desk.

"You know there is nothing I can do then, officially."

"Yes sir."

"Unofficially however, if somebody else, say a member of the public not officially affiliated with this precinct, decided to talk to Lt. Westrum about this matter privately, I can't see that being any of my business." Welsh added.

Ben's head shot up, and he met Welsh's eyes. A look passed between them.

"Understood, sir."

"Dismissed."

Ben walked out of the Bullpen, his mind already set on what he had to do. He ran into Huey in the hall.

"Hey Fraser, what's all the fuss about? I saw Vecchio run out for here like the devil was on his tail. Is something up?"

"It's nothing I can't handle."

"Uh-oh. Should I be worried?" Huey said, only half joking. The look on Fraser's face was one he'd never seen before.

"Not unless you're the man I'm going to see," he said gravely.

"Why?" Huey asked, curious, "What are you gonna do?"

Ben thought about it for a moment.

"I'm going to go shake his peaches," Fraser answered, and left.

**************************************

Westrum hung up the phone and smiled to himself. Even thought the Rookie hadn't said a word he could tell how scared he was. Boy that was fun calling the Rookie; he should have thought of it sooner. Now maybe Vecchio would remember to keep his mouth shut. Some just learned a little slower than others.

When he thought of how he had had Ray a surge of pleasure ran up his spine. He could feel his boner pressing hard against his slacks. It brought back such fond memories of his time with the Rookie. He had licked slowly at the silent tears of pain and fear that had poured out of the Rookie's eyes while he was with him. They tasted of salt and terror mixed with the blood and sweat that was all over Vecchio. God that felt so good. He had heard a muffled sobbing groan through the gag as the Rookie tried to move away from his tongue. He held Ray's head still, and could feel the hair on the back of his head. So soft, he began to stroke it. The softness of the hair reminded him of a kitten he had when he was a kid. He was playing with the kitten one day when it had scratched him. So he broke its neck. He buried it in a neighbor's yard and his mother had assumed the little cat had run away or been stolen. He realized then that he could get away with anything if he really wanted to.

****************************************

Ben climbed out of the cab in front of the 25th precinct and headed up the stairs. On the way over he had removed his buckles and tunic, and he held those in his hands along with his hat. He had only the white long sleeved shirt and his suspenders over his chest.

He walked in calmly and asked to be directed to Lt. Westrum's office. He thanked the all-to-eager female aid kindly and walked into Westrum's office. The man seemed genuinely happy to see him.

"Ben," he said smiling. "It's great to see you again. What are you doing in this neck of the woods? How's ol' Ray doing?"

"Hello Leftenant," Fraser said, after he closed the door. "I actually came to see you."

"See me? About what?" the Lieutenant asked still smiling. Westrum was slick.

Ben glared at him for a moment. His office was much more private and sealed in than was Welsh's. There were far fewer windows. Just the closing of a few blinds gave Don complete privacy. Fraser planned to use that to his advantage.

"It's about Ray. Have you noticed anything unusual about him lately?" Ben asked, walking over and shutting the blinds. He placed his tunic and hat in a chair.

"Can't say I have," Don answered, rubbing his chin. "Then again I haven't seen him since the night of my award ceremony. Is there something the matter?" He seemed genuinely concerned, his whole attitude was casual.

"Yes, I think there is. I was wondering if you might know what it is."

"Is there some reason that I should?" Westrum challenged.

Ben ran his tongue across his bottom lip, and looked Westrum directly in the face. Then he punched him in it. Hard. He felt the man's nose crack. But he gave himself no time to revel in that feeling, for he needed to press his advantage. He hit him again with a left hook, and then in the gut. Don doubled over in pain. Westrum was a big man and a cop, Ben knew he could not give him time to recover from the blows. He brought his elbow across the back of the man's head. Westrum fell to his knees, and Ben hit him in the jaw, breaking several teeth. He then lifted him up by his lapels and slammed him into the wall, still grasping him tightly. Westrum started to fight back but Ben was quicker and he kneed him in the groin, then punched him in the face again. Ben was vaguely aware that there were people calling to the Lieutenant from outside the door.

"Listen to me carefully," Fraser said, gripping the Lieutenant's face so he was forced to look directly at him. "You stay away from Ray. You don't go near him, you don't call him, you don't even think about him. If you do I'll know about it, and next time I won't be so polite. Understand?" The rage on his face let the full implications of his words sink in so Westrum knew he meant business.

He released Westrum and let him fall to the ground, bringing up his boot heel as he did, making painful contact with Westrum's face. Outside the knocking on the door became more urgent. Ben retrieved his tunic and hat.

"Do we understand one another Leftenant?" Ben asked, glaring at him.

"Yes, we do." Westrum choked managing to pull himself to his knees by the desk.

"Good. Then I don't expect to ever see you again." Ben opened the door.

"Lt. are you all right?" asked a plain clothes cop, stepping in. The others stood in Fraser's way, blocking his exit.

"I'm fine," he retorted, gingerly trying to stop his bloody nose. "Let him go."

"But sir-"

"I said let him be. I fell and he helped me up."

They didn't buy it, but they let Fraser walk pass.

"I'm glad we had this chance to talk Leftenant," Ben said to him, and walked out without looking back.

"Close that goddamned door," the Lt. snapped at his officers, and they quickly obeyed. Westrum heaved himself up into his chair and sat there bleeding like a stuck pig.

Ben spent hours hopelessly searching the city for Ray. He tried a few places that he knew Ray went to think, but he wasn't at any of them. During his search he had time to think. He thought a lot about his confrontation with Westrum. He did not exactly regret fighting him. On the contrary, he thought Westrum deserved every blow and then some. He was glad he had managed to control himself so well, for he had really wanted to kill him. What worried him most was Ray's reaction. Of course Ray was still terrified of Westrum, and Ben could only guess at what he said to Ray to make him so upset. But his having assaulted Westrum could have made things worse. He had to do it to protect Ray, but once Ray found out he had broken his promise to stay away from him, he could become even more upset. Perhaps he could explain it somehow. Maybe Ray would understand. Or maybe he would feel worse that Ben had been able to beat Westrum when he had not. Ray may very well hate him forever.

He decided to go back to his own apartment, hoping he'd find Ray there. His cell phone was turned off and he was not at the precinct or the Vecchio's, so Ben had little place else to look. To his relief the Riv was parked right outside his building. He ran up the stairs three at a time.

"Ray?" he called, stepping into his apartment.

"In here Benny," Ray was standing by the stove cooking, Dief by his side.

The wolf came over to greet Fraser briefly, then returned to his place in the kitchen.

Ben stepped up to Ray, unsure what to do. He wanted to take him into his arms and squeeze him so tight he'd never let him go. But he didn't want to scare him. He also wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him for scaring him so badly. He didn't do that for the same reason. Instead he just took another slow step towards him.

"Ray?" he said softly.

"You know this wolf has been tagging along with me all day, Fraser. He wouldn't leave my side for anything. Doesn't this hair ball have a life of his own?"

Ray's tone was one of annoyance, but Fraser knew he often did that when he was upset, which Ray clearly was now because he would not turn to face him. Fraser was eternally grateful to Dief for watching over Ray for him.

Ben carefully reached out for him, unsure if his friend would pull back as he did so often now. Ben half expected him to. Instead Ray turned and threw himself into Ben's arms, hugging him tight.

"Benny, that was Westrum on the phone today." His voice was muffled in Ben's shoulder, but he could hear Ray was close to tears.

"I know Ray. Elaine told me."

"He said he knew someone had been asking about him. He said he was gonna come for me. "

"Don't worry Ray, he won't. Not anymore."

"Yes he will Benny. You don't know how he is. He... What do you mean not anymore?" He pulled back suddenly at that, shock and fear on his face. "What did you do, Fraser?"

Ben flinched inwardly at Ray's tone and use of his surname.

"Ray, I'm sorry. I know I promised to stay away from him. But after today I couldn't. I was so scared after you ran off like that. I thought for a while I might never see you again, and I got so mad. I know I broke my promise, and I'll try to understand if you never want to see me again." Ben rambled on, heart broken.

"Fraser," Ray swallowed hard. "What did you do?"

"Nothing too bad really. We talked Ray. Well, I talked and he listened, sort of."

"But he's still alive?" Ray asked carefully.

"Yes, of course. I hardly think the man is worth going to jail over. I wouldn't leave you for anything, least of all him." Ben looked into Ray's eyes, trying to convey his sincerity.

Ray let out his breath, relieved. "Thank God Benny. I thought you had... you know. I couldn't stand it if I lost you, too." Ray held him again.

Ben returned the hug enthusiastically. "You won't lose me Ray, not if I can help it."

"I forgive you for going to see him, as long as you're all right, Benny."

"I'm fine Ray. I was so worried about you. Where did you go?"

"Nowhere really. I just drove down to the park for a while, just to think."

Ben hesitated a moment. "Do you want to talk about it, Ray?"

"No."

"Okay. But if you do I'm right here."

"Thanks, Benny." He gave a short laugh, "It seems I've been saying that a lot lately, huh?" Ray released Fraser to look directly at him.

"And I've told you there is no need to thank me. Everything I do for you, I do out of love. You never need to thank me for loving you Ray."

"I love you too Benny." Ray leaned forward and kissed him.

Fraser let Ray lead the way on the kiss, as he always did now, but suddenly he noticed it was getting a bit too intense. Ray's tongue thrust urgently into his mouth, making Ben dizzy with passion. But behind that Ben felt a fear and tightness in Ray he knew shouldn't be there if he was comfortable about this. Ray started to unbutton his tunic.

"Ray. Ray wait." He said, pulling back.

"What Benny? What's wrong?" Ray seemed dazed by Fraser's reaction.

"Are you sure about this, Ray?" Fraser wasn't so sure.

"Don't you want me?" Ray asked. "I thought you wanted to." Ray reached for him again.

Ben held his hands.

"Ray, why are you doing this?" Fraser was skeptical.

Ray looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes. "Because Benny, I need to. I need you to want me, to touch me. Please."

"Yes, but why Ray?"

"I just.... I just.... don't you want...?" Ray faltered.

"Why do you want this, Ray?"

"Because I can't get him off me! Every time I close my eyes he's here. Why won't he go away? I remember him touching me and I feel so dirty. I just want to chase it away. I don't want the last person to have touched me to be him. I don't want to remember it anymore. I don't want to feel him." Ray was vehement. "I don't want to have anymore nightmares about him being in me. God Benny, how could he do that? I thought he was my friend. What did I do? Why did he hurt me like that? I didn't want to think about it, but he called and said..... he said that...." He couldn't get the words out.

Ben wrapped his arms around him again. "It'll be all right Ray, he won't be coming for you. I promise I won't let him near you ever again."

"But he's already done it Benny, and I can't think, I can't sleep. I don't know who I can trust. I trusted him Fraser, with my life. But now I can't even trust myself or my own judgment anymore. I thought that if I were with you it would push him out. You're the one I wanted to be with."

"I know that Ray, but I don't think this is right. I don't think we should."

"Why? If I want to.... Don't you want to be with me?"

"Yes Ray, but not like this. Not until you're ready. I don't think me being with you will make him go away. It could make things worse."

"But I can still feel him Benny. It makes me so sick." Ray was trembling.

"Doing something you're not ready for won't fix that. I wish I could make it go away Ray. But all I can do is be here for you."

"Benny.... do you not want to be with me because.... um-"

"No, Ray!" Both of them were shocked by Ben's vehemence, but he continued, having Ray's full attention, he wanted to make this perfectly clear. "Don't you ever think that. Not for a moment. There is nothing anyone could ever do to make me not love you and want you, not ever."

Ray looked into his eyes and knew he meant every word. The feelings he saw there left him speechless, so he just nodded his assent. They were both distracted by Dief's familiar bark. They looked down at the wolf who was looking at the stove.

"Dammit!" Ray said, pulling away from Fraser. He rushed over to the stove and turned off the pot.

"I'm sorry Ray. Is it ruined?" Ben asked, approaching him.

"Nah, I caught it in time." He stirred the pot slowly, then tasted it. "It's a bit over cooked, but it is a lot better than that slop you're used to."

Fraser was glad to see Ray joking with him again. There had been too little of that lately, and he missed it.

"Go get changed and washed up for dinner," Ray added. "Go on, I'll set the table." Ray gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before shooing him out of the kitchen.

Ben obediently did as he was told, leaving Dief and his lover to themselves.

Soon after dinner was over Ray and Ben decided to call it an early night. They had both had a long day, and tomorrow was likely to be hectic as well. Ben had briefly tried to talk Ray out of going to work, but it was useless. It was not worth getting into an argument about, and it was obvious Ray was not going to budge, so Ben dropped it.

Ray's head was pillowed on Ben's chest as he lay listening to he sound of his lover's heart. Ray had been silent for a while, and Ben thought he was nearly asleep, when he heard his voice, quietly.

"Benny, you asleep?"

"Mmm, no Ray." He didn't mention he never let himself sleep until he was sure Ray was.

"Fraser, did you know that statistically, you are 80% more likely to be raped by someone you know? A friend, an acquaintance, or coworker, someone you've already met."

Ben, being a cop, indeed did know that, but he gave no answer, knowing Ray hadn't expected one.

"I guess I've always known that," Ray continued. "I just never expected it could happen to me. Especially not by somebody like Don. I looked up to him, ya know, he was like this big hero or something. I can't understand how he could do something like that. I hate him for what he did."

Ben felt Ray tense beside him, and he encircled him tighter around his waist and rubbed his back soothingly.

"Ray, there is no way you could have known. No one suspected." 'Except Dief,' came his voice in his mind, and he remembered that day in the precinct. He wanted to kick himself for not realizing it sooner. Dief had been trying to warn him.

"But Benny," Ray said, interrupting his thoughts. "If that's true, how do you know who you can count on? It could be anybody. I don't want to spend the rest of my life afraid."

"You don't have to be afraid Ray. You have to trust people, and someday you will again. Just give it time."

"I don't know if I can, Benny. "

"Don't worry Ray, you will. In the mean time you can trust me."

"I'll always trust you, Fraser. I'll always love you."

"I'll always love you too, Ray. You can count on that."

Ray shifted and kissed Ben tenderly on his lips. "I know I can. 'Night Benny."

"Sleep well, sweetheart."

They finally feel asleep.

***************************************

Huey was getting pretty close, he just wished he knew to what. His investigation into Westrum was turning up some very interesting things, he just had to figure out a way to tie them all together. He decided to talk to Welsh about what he had so far.

"Huey, I thought I told you to drop this. I'm sure you have other cases on your desk that needs your attention. Perhaps ones we pay you for."

"Yes sir, that's why I've been pursuing this on my own time."

"You have? *You've* been spending your own time on this?" Welsh was nonplussed.

"Yes sir."

"Step into my office then." he said, and closed the door behind them.

*****************************************

"Don't put that in your mouth!" Ray cried. "That is disgusting, you don't know where that's been."

"I do now Ray," Fraser answered, rising to his feet. "We need to go to the warehouse district."

"What, did the mud tell you that? Did it whisper 'I came from a warehouse' at you?"

"Not in so many words, Ray. But I did detect a trace of a chemical known as..."

"Benny, is this gonna be some long drawn out explanation where you tell me the chemical content of mud leads us to a certain warehouse in all of Chicago?"

"Yes Ray."

"Then skip it. Let's just assume you already talked me into it and just drive to the warehouse."

"If you insist." Fraser said, all innocence. It was so easy to talk Ray into doing things, they just took it for granted that he would eventually agree with Fraser and skipped the prelims.

Ray was glad to be back out on the streets again, doing what he loved. It was hard convincing Welsh he could do it after that incident with the phone call. Eventually however, after weeks of Ray's whining, he had caved in. Now he and Benny were back to solving cases in their usual unorthodox manner, just like always. He wished everything between him and Fraser was back to normal again. But it wasn't, and he felt responsible for it. It was a constant weight on his mind.

They walked into the apartment, still soaking wet. They had tracked the criminals to the warehouse all right, and had even managed to arrest them. But somewhere in between that they had managed to be shot at and then nearly drowned. This did nothing for Ray's mood.

"Fraser, why did I let you talk me into this?"

"As I recall Ray, when I tried to explain why, you told me to skip it. However, it was your idea to go into the warehouse if you'll remember."

"Benny, I love you dearly, but shut up."

"Understood."

"We'd better get out of these wet clothes before we catch pneumonia."

They each started to strip out of the layers of wet and dirty clothing, more concerned with that for the moment then anything else. Fraser finished first and headed to the closet to grab some fresh clothes when he noticed Ray. He was almost completely undressed now, and his back was to Fraser. Ben realized this was the most he had seen of Ray's body in over three months. The smooth muscled back, the arch of his neck, the broad shoulders, the curve of his butt and thighs, was having a strong affect on Ben. When he realized just how strong an affect he turned away, not wanting to get himself in a situation he couldn't get out of.

Ray heard movement behind him and turned around. He saw Benny digging around in the closet for his clothes. However, that is not all he saw, not by far. He could see all of Benny now, standing naked by the closet, quickly trying to gather his clothes. Ray saw how aroused Fraser was and knew it was because of him. He didn't know how to feel about that. At first little frightened, then a bit glad, then guilty about having done that to him. He realized Ben was trying to hide his growing erection from him, and it was guilt that came to the foreground. Ray made his decision in an instant.

"Benny," he said, approaching the closet.

"Yes, Ray?" Ben clutched the clothing in front of his body, covering himself.

"It's all right Fraser, I saw it." Ray reached out and touched Ben's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Ray, I didn't mean to. I'll take care of it, don't worry." Ben's eyes were sad.

"I'm not worried, I want to."

He put his other hand on Ben's cheek and pulled him forward, into a kiss. Ben did not respond at first, then he returned it, but still made no move to pull Ray to him. So Ray moved forward, and he felt a familiar firmness push against his thigh. A wave of fear ran up his spine, but he tried to control it.

'I can do this. I can do this.' he repeated over in his head. He started to tremble, and he hoped Fraser would think it was out of anticipation. 'I can do this.' he thought.

Ben had been holding the clothes up between them, but he dropped them as Ray's attention on him increased, along with his excitement. But he did not want to get carried away. He broke the kiss.

"Ray, are you okay?" he asked softly. He had noticed a slight trembling.

"I'm fine." Ray whispered, fearing if he said it any louder his voice would give him away. He pulled Ben back into another kiss.

Ben let himself be carried on the tide of sensation, surprised he could become so aroused so quickly. It really had been a long time, he had not known how much he needed Ray, and had forgotten how strong and quickly Ray could effect him.

Now that the layers of clothing were gone Ray could really feel Fraser's desire. The only thing separating their flesh was the thin fabric of Ray's boxers. And he knew in no time that would be gone too. He could feel the heat of Fraser's erection and the way it beat in time with his heart. He fought down the growing panic in his mind. Part of him really wanted this, and he tried to listen to that part. He wanted to give this to Fraser, he owed him this much. But another part, the louder part, was screaming 'No!', and he tried his best to ignore it. His heart was racing with the effort, and a key part of his body was not responding to his commands because of the conflict within him. He increased the intensity of the kiss to try and muffle the sounds of his own fear inside.

Ben could feel Ray's trembling increase, until Ray was nearly shaking. He rest his hands on Ray's hips, above the waistband of his boxers. Ray took in a sharp breath.

"Ray, are you all right?"

Ray nodded and pulled himself back close to Benny, and shut his eyes.

'This is Fraser touching me.' he thought. 'Benny. I can handle this.'

He hoped that this, combined with Ben's body pressed against his, would silence the frightened, shouting in his head. It only increased the volume.

Ben wrapped his arms lightly around Ray's body, even though Ray had him in a death grip. He could feel that Ray was really shaking now, and he wasn't erect. His breathing was ragged.

"Ray?"

Hearing Ben's voice, questioning, concerned and gentle, made him slip a little. He was unable to completely muffle a sob. Ben heard it and guided him away, so he could look at his face.

"I'm sorry Benny. I'm so sorry, I can't."

He pulled completely away from Fraser and tried to turn his head before Ben could see his unchecked tears. The last thing he wanted was to make Ben feel bad about this.

"Ray, it's all right. We don't have to. "

"No it's not all right. I did this to you and then I didn't finish. I tried to give you something and I couldn't. I'm sorry Fraser."

"Ray, I told you it's all right. I understand. You don't have to do anything for me."

"You can't keep going on like this because I can't sleep with you. You deserve so much better than that."

"Ray, there is more to love than sex."

"I know Benny, but even you're not a monk."

"I love you Ray. Plain and simple. Sex is secondary to that. As long as you're here with me." He looked at his lover, wanting to make him laugh. "Besides," he said. "It's not that bad, it'll be just like we're married."

It had the desired effect, despite his tears Ray started laughing. Soon they were both standing there laughing and holding each other.

"Ray, promise me you'll never try that again. Promise you won't try and force yourself to have sex because you think it is what I want. If we are going to do it, it has to be something we both want. Okay?"

"Okay Benny." Ray answered hesitantly.

Ben heard the unsureness in his response, but knew that it was the best Ray could offer right now. He had to take things slowly. He ran his hands up Ray's cold back.

"Your skin is like ice Ray. Let's shower and get dressed before we freeze." He smiled into Ray's eyes, and got an enthusiastic smile in return.

"Sure Benny, then we can climb under the covers and warm up even more."

"That sounds like an excellent idea." They both grinned warmly.

A few days later Ray left work early. He called Benny to say he couldn't give him a ride home. He wanted to be finished packing by the time Fraser got home. He wasn't sure what he was going to say yet, but he knew he couldn't stay here. Ben had not said anything about the other night but Ray still felt bad about it. How could he do that to Benny? How could he drive him wild like that and then not see it through? He hated that he had done that to him. He couldn't live with Ben so near to him, knowing what he needed and not being able to give it to him.

He was so frustrated with himself and what he couldn't do. He didn't want to ruin anything more than he already had. If he didn't leave he feared he might do something stupid. So he was running. Going back home where he didn't have to sleep so close to the man he loved and not be able to touch him, and he didn't have to worry about being touched.

He heard the door open behind him and Dief and Fraser walked in.

"Hello Ray. How was your day?" Ben asked smiling. Then he caught sight of the bags.

"Fraser, I need to tell you something."

"What's going on Ray? Why are you packed?" Fraser's brow was furrowed.

"Benny, this isn't working out. I'm going back to Ma's."

"Why? Is this because of the other night? Ray, I said I didn't care about that."

"But I do! Benny, I can't stay with you anymore, not like this. I can't be with you. Please Fraser, this wasn't easy but it's my decision. I have to do this."

Fraser was heartbroken. Things had been going so well. He liked having Ray staying with him. He hadn't officially moved in, but Ben assumed he would be staying. He tried to seem strong for Ray, because it truly was his decision to make.

"All right Ray. If that is what you want, I respect your decision." His voice wavered.

"Good Benny. It's the best thing. You'll see."

"Somehow I doubt that Ray."

Ray just looked at him. He wanted to stay, but he couldn't. How could he make Benny understand that? How could he stop the pain he knew Benny was feeling, and his own. How could he walk out the door seeing the tears in Benny's eyes?

"Good-bye, Fraser," Ray said, and quickly headed for the door. He barely heard Fraser's "Goodbye, Ray," as he slammed the door shut behind him.

Ray arrived at his house shortly after dinner, and went straight to his room. He didn't bother to make small talk with his family. He was not in the mood. He could not get the look on Fraser's face as he left the apartment out of his mind. Couldn't Benny see he was doing them both a favor? If that was so, why did Ray feel like what little was left of his world was falling apart? He was interrupted by a knock at his door. Great.

"Come in," he said knowing it was most likely his mother and she wouldn't go away. He was right.

"Raymondo, what are you doing home?"

"Thanks a lot Ma. I thought you'd be happy to see me at least."

"I'm sorry, caro. What I meant was I thought you were staying at Benton's for a while."

"I was over there for a while, for over two months in fact. Now I'm back. Do you want me to leave?"

Ray was feeling incredibly alone at that moment. He had expected this mother of all people to be ecstatic about his return. Instead she was giving him the third degree.

"Of course not, caro. I'm glad you're home. But I was just wondering why. You seemed to be so much happier at Benton's. I thought you would be staying there longer.

"

"Longer? How much longer? Until I wore out my welcome?"

"Did Benton say you were wearing out your welcome?"

"No Ma. He didn't have to. I know I was doing it, I couldn't stay."

"Why Raymondo? I thought you loved each other."

"We do Ma, but it's not that simple. There are things going on that you don't understand."

"Perhaps if you told me what these things are I could help you."

"Ma, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to be alone for a while. Okay?"

"Okay Raymondo. But if you change your mind, I'm ready to listen."

"Thanks Ma. But I think I need to be by myself."

She kissed his cheeks, and left the room. Now Ray really was alone.

*********************************************

The nightmares were getting worse. Over the past month they seemed to all but go away, now they came back with increasing frequency and intensity. He hardly ever got a full night's sleep anymore. It was starting to show and wear him down, but he couldn't control it either. It wasn't hard to figure out why the nightmares were back; they coincided right with the time he left Fraser. He knew Benny had been the greatest help when he was dealing with the trauma, but he couldn't go back. Not with the way he had hurt Ben, not with the way he was still feeling.

He came home late one night, having had to catch up on some work, since he knew he couldn't sleep anyway. When he got there, he was surprised to see his sister Frannie was still awake, watching t.v. in the living room. He tried to walk by without being noticed.

"Ray? Is that you?"

Lady Luck must really hate him.

"Yeah, Frannie. What's up?" He entered the room but stood by the door.

"Come sit down." she said, patting the couch next to her. He reluctantly complied.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, eyeing him.

"Oh, this again? Frannie, I'd love to sit and chat with ya, but I'm beat, I gotta get some sleep." He started to rise, but she held his arm.

"Who do you think you're kiddin'? We both know you don't get any sleep. I can hear you tossing every night."

Great, this was just what he needed. "Frannie, I really don't want to talk." And he didn't.

"Fine you don't have to, just listen." She waited until she had his full attention. "Ray I know something is bothering you, and I don't pretend to know what it is. But I do know this: it's killing you, destroying you from the inside. I can't stand to see that happen. You're my brother, I care about what happens to you. I know Benton does too. I know you seem better when the two of you are together. I don't know what's going on, but I know you need him. You should be with him. Why don't you go back to Fraser?"

"What? Who said anything about Fraser and I.....? I mean, Fraser and I aren't...."

"Oh please Ray, do you think I'm a complete idiot? I noticed you two are, or were, together. You haven't been sleeping here, and every time you come to dinner Fraser is with you. Finally I just asked Ma, she couldn't deny it. Neither can you."

"So, you just figured it out?"

"Yeah, and that's not all I've figured out either. You love him, and he loves you, and you're miserable without him."

"Frannie, there is more to it than that. Things you don't know about. So much has happened."

"I can see that Ray. I can see that Benton was helping you through it. I can see that if you let whatever this is tear you two apart, you're throwing away something special. Whatever it is Ray, try to work it out. I would kill to have what you've got a shot at. Are you so willing to let it go?"

"It's not that easy Frannie. I can't go back. I've hurt him too much. I'm costing him so much."

"You don't think what you're doing now is hurting him, hurting you both? Just call him. I'm sure whatever it is you guys can get through it. There isn't anything I've seen that you two can't do, together."

Ray studied his little sister for a moment, letting the wisdom of her words sink into his thick head. He knew she was right, 100% correct.

"When did you get to be so smart, Frannie?" He asked softly and sincerely.

"You hang out with Fraser enough, some of that was bound to rub off on me," she joked.

He smiled and hugged her tight. "Thanks Frannie."

"Yeah. You hurt him and I'll kill ya," she said.

********************************

The next day Ray was looking forward to a quiet afternoon at home since the rest of the family was out. He was debating whether to call Fraser or just drive over to his place when the doorbell rang. Fraser stood on the other side.

"Hey, Benny!" Ray was amazed at how glad he was to see him. Just the sight of him made Ray feel lighter. "I was just coming by to see you. What made you come here?"

"Frannie called. She said you needed to see me."

"Yeah, I do. Come in." Fraser walked in and Ray took his coat. They stared at one another awkwardly for a moment. "Hey, want some coffee? I made coffee." Ray turned toward the kitchen before Ben could respond.

"That would be fine, Ray." He noticed the dark bags under Ray's eyes.

They both had their coffee and were sitting at the table with the steaming mugs when Ray finally broke the silence.

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry Benny. And I miss you."

"I miss you too Ray." Ben said, giving a shy smile.

"I didn't want to hurt you. That's why I left."

"I don't understand." Ben said, puzzled.

"Benny, I left because I felt bad about what I did to you. And about not being able to sleep with you." He rushed the words out, afraid he'd lose his nerve.

"I told you that didn't matter Ray."

"It does to me. I got so scared of what I was doing to you, to us. I can't make you wait forever for me Benny."

"Ray, I'm not waiting for anything from you. I just want you. Period."

"What if I don't want that kind of pressure? What if you can't wait for me to get over it and give you what you want? How long until you get so frustrated with me one day and you just take it?" The words rushed out, and Ray regretted saying them as soon as he realized what he was accusing Ben of. He'd never meant to say it out loud.

Ben's jaw hung open as if he'd just been slapped. Was that why Ray left? Did he think Ben would....?

"Ray," his voice was barely above a whisper. "Do you really think I am capable of something like that?" His chest felt like it had a lead weight on it. He could hardly breath his throat was so tight.

"No Benny. No, it's just.... I don't know. I know you would never hurt me, but I can't help being afraid at the same time. I think part of me feels I deserve it for leading you on. Benny, I love you, I don't ever want to be afraid of loving you."

"Are you afraid of me, Ray?" Ben felt like he wanted to cry.

"No, not really, not of you. Of me, of sex. Of needing you so bad and then not being able to go through with it. But I'm more afraid of being without you, of not having you. I'm afraid of making you hate me, of you not loving me because of what I have become."

Ray didn't realize the truth of the words until they were out of this mouth. He finally understood what scared him the most. Ray knew there was no way Ben would ever hurt him, but the frightened part, the part that had been screaming in him the other night, said he could. It had asked him if Ben was capable of hurting him and he had responded No without hesitation. But he would have thought the same thing if anyone had asked him if Westrum was capable of what he had done too.

Before he realized it he burst into tears, he couldn't help it, and Fraser quickly unfolded him in his arms. It was the best thing he felt in weeks; he hugged him back with all he was worth. They didn't speak for a long time, Ray welcoming the loving embrace he had missed so much.

"Benny, I know I don't deserve it, but can I have a second chance? Can I come back home? Can we try again?"

"Yes Ray, I want you to come back home, you do deserve it. But there is something I need you to do for me if we're going to make this work."

"What Benny? I'll do anything." Ben's request surprised him.

"You have to agree to see someone that can help you. I can't help you alone, and I was wrong to think I could try."

"You mean a shrink? Aw, Benny, I don't need..."

"Ray, I think we do. You need to forgive yourself for something you haven't done wrong. We can't do this on our own, I realize that now. We need a little help with this. And it's just a counselor, not a shrink. Couldn't we just try it?" Ben gave him a look he knew Ray couldn't refuse, a little used weapon in his arsenal.

"Okay Benny. If you think it'll help, I trust you."

"Thank you Ray, that means a lot to me." He pulled Ray back into his arms.

"Benny?"

"Hmm?"

"If you come help me pack, we could be home before dinner. We could order Chinese."

"I'd like that Ray."

"So would I, love."

****************************************

This was all that goddamned Vecchio's fault. He knew that somehow Vecchio was responsible for it all. And he couldn't even get to him again, not through that damned Mountie.

He fingered his nose gingerly, it was still crooked and would be for the rest of his life. That damn Mountie had broken it, and every time he saw or touched it was a reminder of the Mountie, and what he had done. Vecchio must have told that Canuck what he had done, that's why Fraser had paid that visit to his office that day. He had beat the crap out of him and threatened him. How dare he! How dare Vecchio, that son of a bitch!

No one had ever managed to get the better of him, not that he could remember. He was still paying for the dental work he had needed to replace and fix the teeth the Canadian had broken with his fist. And that whore of an ex-wife was suing for more alimony. As if the bitch needed a new pair of shoes. Probably needed the money to buy a suit for some new young hunk she was screwing. The slut! And the child support was a pain in the ass too. Those goddamned kids were too spoiled anyway. Let them work a little for a living. It would do them good. His old man hadn't given him anything he didn't earn and look how well he turned out.

That fuckin' Vecchio; this was all because of him. Everyone in the precinct was laughing at him, he could feel it. They had seen his face after the Mountie left, they knew what went down. And he had let the Mountie walk out. What else could he do, arrest him? And what could the Mountie have told them as to why he did it? How much had Vecchio told him? Shit, he wanted to kill them both. His own men had lost respect for him. What the hell was he supposed to do now? If anyone found out he'd never make captain. Being a cop was all he knew, it was in his blood.

Remembering how Vecchio had feared him and begged him to stop, yeah, that was good, that made him smile. He remembered how Ray had struggled and whimpered and that made him hard. Then the image of the Mountie came back, telling him to stay away from Ray, and that made him angry. Damn them both! He could not get to Ray, the Mountie would kill him. He was ashamed to admit he's afraid of the Mountie. The Mountie wasn't scared of him, and that really pissed him off. He probably should have killed the Rookie, but a police death was so messy. Besides, he had never had to kill any of the others, they had just kept their mouths shut. They stayed scared of him and too humiliated to tell anyone. That was so much simpler, he knew they would. Now he had to live in fear of who else Vecchio had told. He knew somebody was snoopin' around, digging up dirt on him. They had even talked to a former officer of his, someone else he had used. But did the person looking into him know that? It was doubtful the man would have told anyone after all this time, but he couldn't be sure. Goddamn it! Everything was coming apart, he needed some way to stop this!

There was a knock on his office door. A young officer stepped in. He looked to be in his mid to late twenties. Couldn't have been on the force long.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" he asked the Lieutenant. Westrum could tell he was nervous.

"Yes Officer Cole, I do. There is something special I need you to do for me."

******************************************

Ray was in high spirits as he took off his coat when he and Fraser walked into the Bullpen. Fall was over and winter was in full swing in Chicago.

"We've got this guy now Benny. All this time staking out his house has finally paid off. No more late nights spent in that stupid apartment. We can finally go home to our own warm beds." Ray was pleased with himself.

"Or bed, as the case may be," Fraser whispered. Ray grinned secretively at him.

"Vecchio, get in here," Welsh bellowed from the door to his office. "And bring Big Red with you."

"Great. That doesn't sound like good news." Ray said to Ben. They walked into the office and shut the door. "Now sir, before you complain about me being late this afternoon, I have a perfectly good reason this time. You see, Fraser and I-"

"Skip it, Vecchio, I'm not interested in that. This is a lot more important. You heard about that cop, Cole, that was found beaten in the alley early this morning?"

"Yeah, on the wire today. Every cop in the city is looking for the creep who did it."

"Well, they may not have to look very far. The kid is out of surgery and has finally regained consciousness and he's talking. The name is very familiar. He says Lt. Don Westrum did it."

There was complete silence in the room for a few moments that seemed like an eternity. Fraser and Welsh watched Ray closely for some kind of a reaction. He stood totally still.

"Is the kid gonna be okay?" Ray finally asked hoarsely.

"He'll live, but from what I understand he was worked over pretty good, and that's not all. It's likely Westrum dumped him in the alley when he realized he'd gone too far. Probably figured the kid would die and we'd think some street punk did it. Fortunately for Cole, some squatters found him and called an ambulance."

"What happens now, sir?" Ray's voice had gained volume, but still sounded strained.

"No one knows about this yet but the higher ups. But Westrum will be under investigation, and they'll be digging deep, interviewing old friends and partners. I thought I should tell you before you heard it anywhere else. With Westrum's popularity his isn't going to be pretty for anyone."

"Is the kid gonna press charges?" Ray needed to know.

"It's not certain yet. But Internal Affairs is already involved. It won't be long until other cops find out, and when they do..."

"I know exactly what'll happen," Ray interrupted angrily. "The kid will be crucified by his fellow officers. And if he does press charges its bound to be a media circus."

"Probably, the press loves scandal, and there is nothing likely to be as juicy as this in the public eye." Welsh seemed to have given up.

"Can I go see him, sir?" Ray had a tone of desperation.

"No. Absolutely not. He is the key witness in a possible criminal investigation, and you're not assigned to the case. Only family and friends are allowed to see him right now."

"I don't want to see him on official police business. I just need to talk to him. Please, sir. This is important." Ray looked at Welsh with pleading in his eyes.

"I'll see what I can arrange, Vecchio."

"Thank you, sir."

Ray and Fraser walked solemnly out of the office to Ray's desk, Fraser taking his usual seat beside it. Ray sat with his head in his hands for several moments before he finally spoke.

"This is my fault you know."

"No it's not."

"Yes, it is!" He finally looked up again. His face was pain stricken, and angry. "If I had done something before, this wouldn't have happened. But instead I did nothing, and that kid almost died. And for what? To be humiliated even further after the most horrible experience of his life?"

Ben glanced quickly around the squad room. No one seemed to be looking yet, but if Ray's voice raised any higher they would all overhear, assuming they hadn't already. Ben needed to take Ray somewhere a little more private. He grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out into the hall and into the closet.

"I was such a coward Fraser, and now someone else has suffered for it."

"Ray, you were never a coward. You're one of the bravest people I know. And you are not responsible for what Westrum did. He makes his own decisions. He's the one who hurts people, not you. He hurt you and Cole. You had nothing to do with any of it. Punishing yourself isn't going to do any good. Please stop it."

"Benny, I have to go see him. I have to look him in the eyes and tell him I'm sorry. I feel at least partially to blame. The kid deserves to know the truth, that he's not the only one Westrum's done this to; that it's not his fault."

"We *will* go to see him Ray, as soon as Welsh gets it approved."

"Benny, I know what that kid must be going through. I have to see him and make sure he is okay. I'm so sorry this happened to him."

"I know you are Ray. I know you are."

******************************

They knew word would spread fast, but no one could have predicted how fast. By the end of the second day every cop in Chicago had heard about and formed an opinion on what was being called 'The Westrum Incident'. And, as Ray had predicted, most of the opinions seemed to favor Westrum. Mostly the division was between the male and female officers, but not always.

Ray made himself scarce around the precinct for those two days, knowing everyone at work would ask him what he thought since he and Don were 'such great friends'. He had nearly lost his lunch when he over heard a few officers casually discussing it in the canteen one afternoon. They seemed to be of the popular opinion that the kid was lying. Westrum was clearly not gay, and would have no reason to rape some guy, especially a cop. The kid was probably a queer and was trying to cover up for some kinky lover and their twisted gay love games that had gone too far. Same old story, everyone knows those faggots are freaks and amoral perverts. Ray had turned to face them and was about to say something that most likely would have ended with him punching their faces in, when a group of female officers, headed by Elaine, interjected harshly. They called the men all kinds of sexist and bigots, sighting that as cops they should know better than to think like that. Rape, after all is about violence, not sex. A huge argument had ensued and Ray escaped unnoticed.

It was as Ray walked to his desk, bad coffee in hand, that Welsh called him into his office. Ray seemed to be in there a lot lately.

"You've got your approval Vecchio. The kid is allowed other visitors now. I bent the truth a little to get you in there, so make sure that whatever you talk about stays between you two. And that doesn't mean you can discuss the case directly. I don't want you to do anything that could jeopardize it in court."

"I won't, sir. Thanks for doing this for me."

"Yeah. Get out of here."

Ray left Welsh's office and grabbed his coat, on his way out of the squad room he ran into Fraser and snagged him by the arm. "Come on Benny."

"Where are we going Ray?"

"To Mercy Hospital to see Cole. Welsh came through."

"Oh." There was a pause as both men got into the Riv. "Ray, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yeah Benny. It's the first time I've been sure about any of this in a while."

They arrived at the hospital and were quickly directed upstairs. They did not need to ask which room was Cole's. How many other patients were likely to have a cop standing guard outside the door?

"Ray, do you want me to come in with you?"

"No Benny, I have to face him alone."

Ben looked into his eyes and nodded. Ray walked up to officer at the door.

"Can I help you?" the other cop said fixing Ray with a steely glare. He obviously took guarding that door very seriously.

"Yeah, the name's Vecchio. I came to see the kid. I was told it was okay."

The taller man eyed him for a moment before nodding once and telling him to go ahead.

When Ray walked in all he saw at first was the single large bed on the left side of the room, surrounded by flowers and cards on the stands and heater. It wasn't until Cole stirred that he was able to make him out on the bed. The sight gave him no comfort; he looked so small and young in the huge bed and his face was just as bad, if not worse than Ray's had been. Cole looked at Ray bitterly.

"What, you come here to 'dissuade' me too? I already told ya, I ain't changing my mind. You can tell your friends to just forget it."

"I'm not here for anything like that. My name is Ray Vecchio. I just want to talk to you."

"Press?" Cole turned on his side away from Ray. "I don't want to talk to press either."

"No, I'm not press. I'm a cop, 27th precinct."

"You don't look like internal affairs," Cole said turning to face him once again.

"I'm not. I just came to-"

"You just came to gape at me. To wish me well then run back and tell all your friends you saw the freak whose ruining the reputation of a great cop." Cole's face twisted, it looked horrid combined with the marring on his young and usually handsome face.

"No! I just came to..." Ray was starting to regret ever having come here. He wanted to leave and never have to face that accusing glare again, but he knew he had to do this. He also knew he needed to choose his words carefully if they were going to get anywhere.

"People have been coming in here threatening you?" Ray asked carefully.

"Of course. What do you think the guy outside is for?" Cole said snidely.

"I'm not one of them. In fact, if I knew who they were I'd beat 'em to a pulp."

Cole eyed him suspiciously. What was this guy's angle? "Then what are you here for?"

"I told you, I just want to talk to you. I want to tell you how sorry I am this happened."

"Well, that's nothing new. You didn't have to come all the way here to say that."

"Are you always this much of a hard case?" Ray said before he could stop himself.

Cole blinked in surprise for a moment. Ray's reaction caught him off guard; the guy seemed truly offended by Cole's attitude. He softened a bit in the face of Ray's hurt look.

"No, I'm not. It's just.... these last few days, you know." Cole said in a much calmer voice. "Everyone that's been coming in here has brought bad news or wanted something."

"What about your family?" Ray asked.

"My mom just keeps crying and my dad can barely look at me. My brothers are the same way and my girlfriend treats me like I'm a child or I'm made of glass. It feels weird to be around them. They seem so awkward around me now, like they don't know what to do."

"They probably don't. They just need time to adjust, give it a little while. They'll come around."

"I hope so. I can't stand the way they treat me, like I'm dying or something."

Ray nodded to himself then asked, "Who else has been bringing bad news?"

"Well, there have been several guys that said they were friends of mine to get in here, then they tell me that if I don't take back everything I said about the Lieutenant they'll dump me somewhere no one will find me."

"Can you identify them?"

"Not really, I've never seen any of them before. And Internal Affairs is already looking into it."

"I'll bet."

"Yeah. Internal Affairs has been in here all the time asking me things. Pushing for every detail..... wanting to know if I'm gonna press criminal charges...."

Ray hesitated a moment. "Well, are you?"

Cole sighed, then flinched at the pain the movement caused. "I don't know. It hardly seems to matter any more. Every cop in the city knows, so does internal affairs. Whether I do or don't everyone knows about it. It only seems to be levels of humiliation now. What do I have to gain?"

"Self respect?" Ray said cautiously.

"You think so? How would I get that back? By being put on the stand and grilled about things that are nobody's business. To be splashed all over the papers and dragged through the dirt on a daily basis? What good will it do? Westrum will never see the inside of a jail cell." Cole had a drawn and beaten look to him, a look Ray knew all too well.

"If you don't press charges, internal affairs will probably try to sweep it under the rug."

"I know. So at this point I guess I have to."

"You don't have to. It's still up to you."

"Hardly. If I don't everyone will think it's because I made it up. If I do people will think I'm a rat, especially if he wins."

"People will believe what they want to believe. You should base this on what you want to do, not what people will think regardless."

"But I don't know what I want to do. It doesn't seem like I have any control over what happens to me anymore. Either way I'm toast," Cole said frustrated and confused.

"Hey, listen," Ray said sitting on the edge of the bed. "I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you still do have a say in what happens to you. You don't have to give up yet. I know it feels like you don't have any choices, but you do."

"How do you know how I feel?" Cole said angrily, tears starting to well up in his eyes. "You can't know how this feels. Nothing like this has ever happened to you!"

"Yes, it has." Ray finally said, looking straight into his eyes.

"What?" Cole said softly, shocked.

Ray took a deep breath. "Westrum used to be a friend of mine too. But we're not friends anymore. Not ever again."

Cole just stared at Ray intensely, with his eyes wide, not speaking. So Ray plunged on.

"That's why I came to see you, to tell you how sorry I am. I know it doesn't do any good now, but I wanted to tell you. If I hadn't let him get away with it he wouldn't have been able to hurt you. I failed you."

Ray knew he was starting to ramble, but he didn't know what else to do. If he stopped he'd have to face the kid and see the hatred that he was sure was in there. His mouth worked but nothing else came out, then he felt a hand on his arm. He looked up at Cole and did not see hatred, but questioning instead. Ray knew what he was asking.

"I didn't do anything about it because I was worried about the same things you are I imagine. I didn't think anyone would believe me, and even if they did I figured Westrum would get away with it anyhow. Plus.... I think I was scared of him." Ray said, ashamed.

"I am too." Cole practically whispered. They gave each other a mutual look. "So what should I do? I still don't know."

"It is up to you. Remember that. You don't have to make the decision right now. Think about it for a few days. Given, many people do know about it, but that doesn't mean you have to do anything else you don't want to."

"What do you think?"

"I'm not sure. On the one hand, going to court will be very hard. You know some of what you'll have to put up with there, never mind with the other cops. On the other hand, not going through with this may be difficult on you too. Knowing that guy is free is torture. If I had the courage to do something about this before, this wouldn't have happened to you."

"It's not your fault." Cole said.

"Yes it is. I'm a cop, I should have stopped him."

"You couldn't have stopped him. I don't think I can either. If I had been able to hide it and not tell anyone, I would have. So don't blame yourself, I don't blame you."

Ray was quiet for a few moments. Here he came to apologize, and the kid was trying to make him feel better. That helped make his mind up as to what he should do.

"So," Cole asked, "What are we gonna do about Westrum?"

"I'll tell you what," Ray said. "You want to stop him don't you?"

"Yes."

"Well so do I. If you still want to testify, I will too. This will at least establish a pattern in Westrum, so people will know what he is really like. And internal affairs won't be able to keep this quiet." Ray looked directly at him, waiting for some response.

Cole mulled it over for a moment. "You think that would help convict him?"

"Hell yeah! And I didn't want to think about it, but if he did this to us maybe he's done it before. If we step forward maybe it will get the others to do the same."

"Yeah, maybe. But what if they don't?"

"Then I'll still be there to back you up, I owe you that at least."

"And yourself too."

"Yeah, I guess I do." Ray nodded solemnly.

"Okay, I'll do it. I want that bastard to go down for this."

"So do I, Cole."

"Rusty."

"What?"

"My name is Rusty. Almost no one calls me Cole. I hate it, makes me sound old."

"Okay, Rusty." Ray smiled, and Rusty returned it slightly. "I'll go to my Lieutenant and file the charges. You just worry about getting better for now. I'll see ya." Ray extended his hand and Rusty shook it with the arm that wasn't broken. Ray headed to the door.

"Hey Vecchio," Ray turned back around. "Thanks for coming to see me. And for bringing good news for a change."

"You're welcome. And don't call me Vecchio, it's Ray. I don't want to sound old." They both smiled and Ray left, heading down the hall with a determined pace.

Ben could tell just by the look on Ray's face as he approached him that things had gone well. Ray told him just how well as the drove back to the precinct.

Once they got to the precinct Ray made straight for Welsh's office. Ben squeezed his hand gently before he let him go to face Welsh.

"Lieutenant?" Welsh just looked up from his desk at him. "Remember that incident, that you mentioned before, that I told you to drop?" Jeez, if he couldn't even say it now, how was he going to say it to the DA or in court?

"Yes. What about it?" Although he thought he knew.

"Well, I'd like to pursue it after all, if that's possible. I know all the evidence has been destroyed and-"

"No it hasn't."

"What, sir?"

"All the evidence has not been destroyed. We still have the clothing and the lab results from them. Plus we have the word of one hell of a cop."

"Thank you sir." Ray supposed he should be mad about Welsh having the suit, but instead he was relieved that some physical evidence had been preserved.

"I'll take your statement myself later and we can file the charges. If you want to take off the afternoon until I have some free time you're welcome to."

"No sir, I prefer to stay here."

"Fine. I'll be able to do it around five, so we can have an interview room for a while without being disturbed. I'll call the DA and IA after that."

Ray knew why the Lieutenant was doing it that way. There would be fewer people around trying to find out what was going on and Ray would be afforded at least a little longer of privacy.

"Thank you, Lieu."

"Your welcome. Dismissed."

The next several hours were very difficult for Ray. He tried to throw himself into his work, which helped a little, but he found himself glancing at the clock repeatedly. At a quarter to five Fraser showed back up at the Precinct, wanting to be with Ray when he needed him. They didn't speak. Ben held his hand next to him in the chair, out of sight. They sat quietly waiting at Ray's desk for what seemed like forever. Ray felt like a man awaiting a call from the governor, a stay of execution.

The number of people in the squad room slowly dwindled. He stayed in his corner and watched as many of the cops and even a few criminals went home to join their families. Welsh finally came out of his office, his mood somber.

"Vecchio, its time. We'll use interview room two." Welsh left to set things up there.

"Do you want me to come with you Ray?" Ben asked. Ray nodded silently.

They walked to the interview room together, Ben's hand on Ray's back. Welsh looked from Ben to Ray then back again.

"I'm sorry Constable, but you can't be in here. I have to conduct the interview alone."

"Can't he stay, sir?" Ray said, gripping Ben's hand tightly. "I want him here."

Welsh seemed hesitant to bend the rules. He wanted this to be as official as possible.

"Sir, isn't it procedure to have another officer present during this type of questioning? I can just be here in a law enforcement capacity. That would allow me to be present during the questioning without any interference." Ben offered.

Fraser was technically right, and he wasn't leaving Ray's side for anything. Welsh nodded and allowed Fraser to stay.

The interview went on for what seemed like hours, although it was just under two. Ray had a hard time telling what had happened that night to Welsh. Details he hoped he had forgotten since that night had to be pulled back up to the surface. It was like opening up a fresh wound. He couldn't keep his tears from falling, and at one point had to take a break before he could continue. Welsh had been gentle and patient the whole time, allowing him to go at his own pace. Ben had been nothing less than a God-send, holding his hand the entire time, comforting him during the roughest spots, and keeping his glass constantly full of water to help soothe Ray's tight, dry throat. The wheels of the tape recorder rolled on diligently until Welsh thought he had all he needed for Ray's case. The interview was finally over and Welsh went to type the statement himself. They weren't free to leave until it was ready for Ray to sign.

That finally done, Welsh shook both their hands and thanked them for their help. They thanked him for his in all he had done for them. Ray and Fraser were leaving when Ray spotted Huey still at his desk, working. He was one of the only cops still left in the squad room, even though his shift ended hours ago.

"Benny, go on ahead to the car. I want to see what Jack's up to." Ben seemed puzzled and a little hesitant for a moment, but Ray half smiled and squeezed his hand. "Go on, I'll be along in a while."

Ben nodded once. "Come along Dief," he said as he headed out the door. Ray watched them go before he strode over to Huey's desk.

"Huey, what are you doing here so late?" Ray asked, puzzled.

"I'm finishing up some notes on the Westrum case."

"I didn't know you were on that case. I thought it was strictly internal affairs."

"It was. But since I had been looking into Westrum before this all started, they decided I could be of some help." He shook his head.

"How?"

"I got some stuff on him they think they can use. Lot of good it does now."

Huey was tired and frustrated, and had finally had enough. He grabbed some files on his desk and threw them on the floor.

"Damn it!" he cried. "This whole mess is my fault. I knew Westrum was dirty, but I couldn't get enough proof. If I had been smarter and figured out what he was up to sooner, nothing would have happened to that kid."

"You mean you believe him?" Ray was surprised.

"Of course I believe him!" Huey shouted. "If you... How can you not believe him!"

"I do believe him, every word. I just didn't think there were many other cops who'd agree with me, that's all." Ray paused as Huey's expression changed from anger to mild shock. "Huey, this is not your fault. You're a cop, not a psychic. There is no way you could have known or controlled what Westrum was doing. He made his own decisions, and he's the one who hurts people. You didn't have anything to do with it, stop beating yourself up."

Ray realized why those words sounded so familiar, and how true they rang, for both himself and Huey, he was glad it had finally sank in, and hoped it would for Jack too.

"You believe Cole, Vecchio?" Huey said in disbelief. "Wow. I thought you'd be the last person to be on his side. I thought Westrum was such a great friend of yours."

"He was." Ray said.

The pain with which Ray said those simple words and the way he looked at the far wall instead of at Huey himself lead to a sudden realization. It couldn't be that.... No way, not Ray. Things like that didn't happen to people that he knew, his friend! Oh, shit.... Westrum had... that asshole!

"Ray...?" He wasn't sure how he could ask, or what he should say.

Ray just looked at him for his answer, then turned away again. Huey swallowed hard.

"I'm sorry, Vecchio."

"Yeah, me too."

There was a brief, awkward silence.

"Is that why Welsh had me..."

"Yeah."

"So.... What are you going to do now?"

"Anything I can to help."

"So that's why Big Red went medieval on him. I had been trying to figure out why Fraser would do something like that. Now I know. I'm glad he did."

"So was I. But it didn't stop Westrum, just altered his direction."

"Well, this time we will stop him. For good."

"God, I hope you're right."

"There is no way he's worming his way out of this one. We've got him. We won't let him get away with this anymore."

"No Huey, we won't."

Ray and Ben climbed the stairs to the apartment completely worn-out. Ray was so bone weary even his clothes felt tired. When they walked in Ben took his coat and jacket while Ray just flopped down on the bed and closed his sore eyes.

"Are you hungry Ray?"

"A little I guess." He was very hungry, if perhaps a little too tired to eat.

"I'll heat up the left-overs from last night." Ben said, and disappeared into the kitchen.

Even though it only took a few minutes to heat up, Ray was almost asleep by the time dinner was ready. He ate until the hunger went away and no more. He felt like he would pass out in his plate. Ben cleared the dishes and told him to go take his shower.

"Benny, I feel like I can barely make it to the bed."

"It will help you feel better Ray, and relax you."

Ray nodded but didn't move from the table. His eyes started to droop. Ben gathered Ray's shower things, then gathered Ray and helped him to the bathroom down the hall. He started to help him off with his clothes until finally Ray took over, so Fraser readied the shower. Ray was totally nude when he left him, but neither of them seemed to mind.

After they had both showered and dressed they climbed into bed exhausted. Despite their tiredness neither of them fell asleep right away. They snuggled very close together that night, drawing comfort from the day in each other's arms.

"Ray, are you sure this is what you want to do?" Ben asked, Ray's head tucked beneath his chin.

"Yes Benny. I'm pretty sure."

"Then I'm with you all the way. You've made the right choice."

"Are you sure Benny? Once I do this there is no turning back. People are bound to find out about it, and about us. We'll lose friends, colleagues probably. It won't be easy. Our lives won't be the same. The press might even be involved. I don't want you to lose your job over this."

"Of course it won't be easy Ray, but I'm willing to go through it with you. And don't worry about me losing my job, I'll talk to Inspector Thatcher tomorrow."

There was a long silence, then Ray shifted against Ben's chest.

"Benny, I'll have to tell my family the whole story, before they hear about it on the news."

"I know."

"It's gonna be hard. I don't know how they'll take it. I don't want to upset them."

"Ray, they're your family and they love you. I'm sure they'll support you too."

"I know. But we still have a long way to go. This isn't over yet."

"I know Ray, but we can get through it together. I love you. I'll always be here for you."

"I know that, with all my heart. Goodnight Benny."

"Goodnight, my love."

Author's note: Those statistics that Ray quoted are real. Only 20% of reported rapes are committed by strangers. So ladies and gentlemen, to quote Hill Street Blues, "Be careful out there."

E-mail to kminx@hotmail.com