Song of Heart's Desire
by Alison

Fandom due South

Pairing Fraser/Kowalski

Rating R, I think.

Status New

Archive Yes, CkoS

Feeback grievousangel@talk21.com

Disclaimer Alliance owns them. I don't but at least I'm doing something with them.

This is my first slash piece indeed only my second ever story and the first was a long time ago RayK and Fraser have this hold over me though...

I've got a few more written but I don't really believe anybody wants to read them. I Let me know if I'm wrong (or right).

Summary It's the night before Fraser goes on his holiday.

This is for my best friend Juliet who always tried to understand. I love you and I miss you. Sleep you sound, sweetheart.

It's raining again. It's always raining in Chicago, or that's how it sometimes feels. I long for the vast whiteness of my home away from the dirt and grim of the city.

I'm feeling displaced tonight. Tomorrow I leave on a much-needed vacation to the Territories, and I was hoping that Ray would be able to join me for a farewell meal, but unfortunately he appears to be busy on some project he's not willing to discuss with me. I have to confess it hurts a little to be standing on the outside I'm so used to helping Ray on his cases that it never strikes me that there may be occasions when I'm not needed.

I'm too restless to stay cooped up in my apartment all evening though; my packing, such as it is, has been done; Diefenbaker has hogged the bed and appears to have settled for the night, and I'm standing by the window looking out at the rain.

My mind's made up; I grab my jacket from where it's lying across the top of my pack and leave, stroking Dief in farewell. He idly licks my hand, hardly bothering to open his eyes. He's becoming more slothful by the second, so perhaps this vacation will do him some good as well.

I walk for a while, just trying to get some air, trying to shake this feeling I have. It's like I'm missing something I've never known. Chicago is a big lonely place and I've never really made an effort to settle. Somewhere out there, who knows, the reason for this mood may be waiting for me. I shrug and shake m y head. Well I doubt if I'll find him anytime soon, and since I'm approaching waterlogged it's probably time I took shelter somewhere.

Looking around, not entirely sure where my feet have led me, I see a diner just a little ahead and decide that it's as good a place as any to shelter. And I do need to eat.

Pushing my way into the stuffy warmth I slide into a booth, nodding at the waitress. We both know I'm here now, so with luck she won't keep walking on by. She doesn't and I order before I've actually looked at the menu. Well it's only a diner the choice will be either burgers or burgers.

I glance around idly, unable to stop myself. It's an old habit but I like to know who is near me at any given time. It's always best to be aware that trouble can spring up at any second and in the most unlikely places. Ray will tell you that the only reason we see so much trouble is because I'm there. I'm not entirely sure what he means by that but I expect it's something rude. I smile and think again of Ray. I don't know what he's working on but I know it's something big, and sometimes when he thinks I'm not looking I catch a sad and far away look in his eyes as if he would like to tell me something but can't. When I get back from my trip I must try and make him tell me. I'm sure he'd feel better.

There are only a few other people in here on a night like this displaced souls like myself, I suspect. A sudden movement catches my eye and I zoom in on what's happening.

A blond man, about my age, has managed to upend a water pitcher all over himself and is in the process of some frantic mopping. The waitress, long suffering as only waitresses can be approaches with a cloth and a fatalistic expression. She dabs at the table and the man dabs at himself. Neither of them seem to be making much of an impression on the damage done, and in the end the man half smiles and waves his hand in a 'never mind' fashion.

He turns to pick up his jacket from the seat and our eyes meet. Time stops. The loneliness and insecurity in his eyes exactly matches the feeling in my heart and briefly something inside me loosens a little. Soul crying to soul? Maybe, if you believe in such things. I do.

I think the blond does too. He clutches his jacket hard but doesn't put it on. Still looking at me. I half smile and nod towards the seat opposite me and he walks over and slides in.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," I answer. "Are you okay?"

"Wet," he says succinctly. "Hungry as well. Wet and hungry."

I push the menu over to him. "Can't do anything about the wet, but I can help with the hungry."

His mouth twitches as if he's unsure how he should respond to that and I sit back in my chair, not wanting to crowd him. While he looks at the menu I look at him.

The first thing about him is his hair. It looks permanently surprised, but it suits him. His eyes are the next thing. Bright, piercing blue, shading to grey and green in the light. He's full of energy, this one, living on his nerves most of the time. That's good. I could use a little energy to try and change this mood of mine.

He's thin, but not really skinny. He seems pretty firm and toned, so perhaps this is just how he is the energy using up the fat before it can settle. A glance at his hands good, long fingered hands. No rings to be seen, just some kind of bracelet. First impressions definitely favourable.

"Like what you see?" he asks, looking up from the menu. "You've been looking hard enough, so perhaps we should introduce ourselves." He holds out a hand. "My name's Ray."

I must look startled because he drops his hand and frowns slightly. "What?" he says. "It's not like it's an unusual name. What do I call you>"

"Er, Benny....Ben," I stutter, slightly wrong footed.

"Okay Benny Ben," says Ray with a delightfully wicked smirk, "Let's wrap ourselves around some of this food and see where we go from there. The night's young."

We sit for an hour in the booth, talking sometimes but mainly just looking and touching. We both know where this is going it just depends on who makes the first move. We don't tell each other too much about ourselves. There's a reserve to Ray, a hurt I can empathise with. I don't think he wants anybody too close, too knowing. As for me, I don't really feel like talking, and I'm certainly not telling him I'm a Mountie. There's a side of me that is nothing short of horrified by this kind of behaviour.

Finally Ray sits back, pushing his plate away. "So my place or yours?" he asks directly.

"I have a wolf asleep on my bed," I answer without thinking and then look up, horrified at the inane statement which has just come out of my mouth.

"Hate it when they do that," says Ray his eyes smiling at me. "Mine then."

I find myself wanting to get to know this man. There's laughter in his soul, but it's buried deeply under a lot of hurt and anger. I think it's the anger that makes him burn so fiercely. I'd like to warm myself at that flame and I'd like to find the laughter under the hurt - .

"Benny Ben, stop staring," Ray's voice intrudes on my thoughts and I give myself a mental shake. "Sorry," I say.

Throwing some money on the table he stands up, grimacing as his t-shirt sticks to him. He plucks it away from his body as if that will help, and with a nod of his head he beckons me to follow.

Tight butt, encased in faded jeans I feel a stirring in my groin and hastily rearrange my jacket.

"Do you gotta car?" he asks as we stand outside the diner, immediately soaked to the skin.

"No," I answer. "I usually walk." His eyes open wide and he tilts his head to one side, exposing a lovely length of vulnerable neck.

"Walk>" he says. "Why would anybody want to do that?"

I reach out and put my hand against the rough stubble of his cheek. He smiles and pushes into the embrace. Good this one likes to be touched. I can hold him while he sleeps - .

"Well we'd better start walking," he said. "'Cos we ain't gonna find a cab tonight and my car's at work."

"Why did you walk?" I ask, falling into step beside him. "You have a car, after all."

He shrugs. "Just felt like it tonight. Been a tough day an' all." He doesn't say anything else so I just nod and continue walking.

"Why you gotta wolf?" he asks, one hand linking through my arm, pulling me closer. He puts his hand in the pocket of my jacket, entwining his fingers with mine. I like that. I don't feel so alone.

"Because there's not such thing as a guard rabbit," I answer without thinking for the second time this evening. He looks at me and bursts into laughter, leaning on my shoulder. There's nobody else around on such a filthy night and he obviously feels safe from prying eyes because he reaches up and nips the skin of my neck with his sharp teeth.

"I've got a turtle," he volunteers. "Tried to persuade my ex that she wanted it as part of the settlement, but she practically threw it at my head. Wouldn't have minded, but it was still in its tank."

So he was married once. Even on our short acquaintance I realise that he would be difficult to live with. Not that I would ever know...

I tighten my fingers around his. "What happened?" I ask and he shrugs, that mobile mouth turning down at the corners.

"I think she just fell out of love with me," he replies softly.

We continue our walk in silence until we reach his apartment. It's a nice enough place. Seems clean for a single man. Either he's domesticated or his landlady loves him.

"'Kay, make yourself at home," he says, locking the door. "I'm going to take a shower."

I wander around the place looking for insights into this man. All I see is a photograph of him smiling down at a hard-faced woman as they dance. He's very secretive, this Ray. I don't even know his last name. But then, he knows even less about me.

Hearing the water still running in the shower I decide to join him. Quickly stripping off my wet clothes, I pull back the shower curtain and step in. He's got his back to me and is letting the water pound onto his shoulders, perhaps trying to ease the tensions of the day.

I pull him against me and begin to rub his neck muscles. He groans and relaxes against me. "That's nice," he mutters. "Real nice." I lower my head and kiss that beautiful neck of his. One of his hands reaches up and ups my face.

We stay like that for maybe a minute, then he turns around in my arms so that we're facing each other. We're practically the same height, but he's so much slighter than me that it's like holding something very fragile. I put one hand on his back, pulling him closer. I could snap him in two.

He's looking at me with those eyes and I was wrong. They're not blue; they're grey, but still intense.

"What?" I finally say. "What's the matter?"

"Fuck, but you're gorgeous," he says mildly and reaches up to kiss me.

I don't understand my reaction. I've kissed plenty of men and women in my life. With some of them I even meant it. But when he kisses me I suddenly feel like some kind of never had it before virgin. I want to pull him close, wrap myself around him. I want everything he could possibly offer me and I want to take what he doesn't offer. I want to fall at his feet and weep like a baby and I want to force him on his knees in front of me

The water's starting to run cold, so without breaking contact he reaches around and switches off the shower. His hands are everywhere on my body, and everywhere he touches leaves a trail of fire. He grabs my ass, none too gently, and at the same time starts to run his tongue down my throat and neck, biting gently. I can't help it my head goes back and I moan, growing excited. I can feel myself growing hard and so can Ray., He smiles against my neck. "Like that do you>" he whispers against my skin. "Well you ain't seen nothing yet!"

I tangle my fingers in his hair and pull him in for another kiss, tasting him, learning him. He pulls back and gives me a full beam smile. "Wow," he says, then returns to his exploration.

By the time he takes me into his mouth I'm light headed, not thinking clearly. I have to lean against the now cold wall of the shower since my knees refuse to hold me up. I want it to last forever, that wet heat engulfing me. His tongue is constantly moving and sometimes I feel the slightest brush of teeth. His hands are still on my ass and he's in complete control.

It doesn't take anywhere near long enough and when I come there is such a lifting of tension that my cry is mingled lust and relief.

He raises his head and looks at me, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes are blue again. "Okay?" he says softly.

"More than okay," I answer in a pitiful approximation of my usual tone. "Much more than that."

"That's good," he says, getting to his feet and pulling back the shower curtain. "Come on."

I follow him like a meek little lamb as he dries first himself and then me. He throws the towel into the linen basket then looks straight at me, arms folded. "Well?" he says challengingly. He's beautiful, erect and so ready for me.

I grab him hard by the arms, noticing how even that touch marks him bruises will show there. I push him into the bedroom, kissing him hungrily all the time, hardly giving him room to breathe. I push him on to the bed and fall full length on top of him, driving out what little breath he had left in his body.

"Hey Ben hey!" he pushing against my chest but I use my superior strength and position to keep him where I want him. Biting that beautiful neck I reach down and grasp his erection, stroking and pulling. He gives a delightful throaty moan and wraps a leg around me, trapping me there. He pushes his head back into the pillow, his hands wandering over my back and shoulders, wrapping themselves in my hair.

"Look at me, Ray," I order and he obeys me without question. Those chameleon eyes are almost all black, the pupils hugely dilated. "Don't look away," I whisper as I keep stroking. Ray does his best to obey but as he comes, his eyes close again.

I roll off him so that he can finally breathe. He lies there pulling air into his lungs like a man who had forgotten the art. "Jesus, Ben!" he finally says, but doesn't go any further.

"You okay?" I echo his words. He half smiles and rolls over until he's pressed against me, nuzzling my neck. "Fine," says. "Do you er do you gotta go, or do you wanna stay?"

Without even thinking I answer. "Yes, I'll stay."

So I get to watch him sleep. All that fizzing energy just gives out and almost without warning he falls asleep. He looks peaceful and relaxed a good deal more relaxed than I would be with a stranger in my bed. I push the blond hair away from his face as I think. I'm not sure if there's a connection here when I first saw him I believed there was a spark, but perhaps it was just lust? I wish I didn't always have to try and dissect everything, wish I was more able to use my instinct. But that's just not me.

I don't sleep. I lie awake listening to the rain and watching Ray sleep. At 5am I begin to slide out of bed. I have to get home and shower before Dief and I leave.

He must have been awake because he catches my arm as I try to stand up. "You goin'?" he asks quietly. I turn and nod. He pulls my hand down and places it on his morning erection. "Don't want you to go yet," he says petulantly.

I lean down and kiss his warm belly, enjoying the play of muscles under the warm skin. "What do you have in mind?" I ask. He grins evilly and pulls my face to his.

"Fuck me," he whispers against my lips. He reaches down and wraps his fingers around me. I'm growing stiffer by the second and those expert fingers of his can only help.

He nods towards and nightstand and I find everything I need there. I lay him on the bed and start to trail my tongue down his neck, nipping at the flesh. His hands come up to tangle in my hair but he doesn't try to control the pace. His hands just rest there.

I continue my exploration of his body, flicking each of his nipples in turn with my tongue. He's beginning to get restless under my tongue now, arching his back a little and trying to rub against me. I glance up at this beautiful stranger. He's watching me avidly and very deliberately I take one of his hands in mine and start to suckle the long fingers, never taking my eyes from him. He doesn't speak, but his free hand strokes my cheek.

Releasing his hand I continue to explore his body, bypassing his erection, which makes him groan. I smile and nip his inner thigh. Turning him over I lick and nip my way up that long smooth back.

"Jesus Ben!" he wails. "Come on!"

I take pity on him and quickly slip on a condom, at the same time preparing my fingers, which I gently insert into him. He arches up to meet me, groaning. To my surprise he then flips himself over onto his back and smiles up at me. "Wanna see your face," he pants, reaching up and running his hands through my hair.

I nod and between us, we get his legs arranged and I oh so gently push into him. His back arches up and he forces me deeper into him. I entwine my fingers with him and hold him against the bed. He struggles briefly but then the pleasure I'm inflicting on him takes over and we settle into a rhythm.

I find myself fascinated by his face. His guard is down and as I look into his eyes I think I can see for miles. It's like looking into the ocean. I pick up speed and his legs wrap themselves tightly around my waist.

"Christ Ben, please!" he gasps, his back arching as he approaches the edge. He pulls his hands free and reaches round, cupping my ass with one hand while the other roams across my chest and face. He trails one long finger across my lips and I suckle it briefly, making him smile, before his eyes close and his head goes back in that way I'm learning to recognise. Reaching down, I bite that beautiful neck and that does it for him. He comes hard, spurting up between our bodies, an inarticulate cry torn from his throat. The sight of such abandon, the feel of that body trembling against me, brings on my own orgasm.

We lay there for a moment, not speaking, then I pull away. "I have to go Ray," I say. "Is it okay if I take a shower?"

"Sure," he says. "Come on, I'll join you."

I leave him twenty minutes later, not without a slight pang of regret. I still can't decide if there could be a connection. Perhaps if we had met under different circumstances or at a different time

The rain has stopped and I step out into cold clear air. The wind has turned round to the north and this bodes well for my break. For once the air smells of home.

I call the station from a pay phone and speak to Ray. He's a little less reserved today.

"I'll meet you at the station when you get back Benny," he says warmly. "Sorry that I can't take you there today, but the Lieutenant is gesticulating at me and you know what that means. You have a good time up there okay?" He paused. "I'll miss you."

"I'll be back before you know it," I reply.

"Yeah sure," he answers softly.

"Are you okay Ray?" I ask. I know him so well that I can picture him sitting up a little straighter at his desk.

"Sure I am Benny," he says. "Listen I gotta go. Enjoy, okay?"

"Okay Ray. 'Bye."

I hang up the phone and start the walk to my apartment. I'll speak to Ray when I get back.

THE END