Author's disclaimer: I don't own 'em, I just like to take them for a walk now and again.

Author's notes: Major spoilers.

Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference by: Jenny Hill

Jill Kennedy exited the hospital room of Raymond Vecchio, quietly closing the door behind her. Her patient, Benton Fraser, had requested her assistance in walking down to his best friend's room, for he was becoming a bit tired of always using the wheelchair that seemed to have become a new appendage attached to his backside. She was not only assisting him in his walk but also sneaking him in due to the fact it was after visiting hours. All the nurses on duty knew about the short resent history between the two recovering men and turned a blind eye to the bending of the rules for their favorite patient.

After his physiotherapist exited the room, Fraser turned and moved closer to the lone bed containing the one person in his life that meant more to him than any other being. Ray was the only person in Fraser's life that cared whether he lived or died. Fraser took a seat in the only chair provided. It had been an effort on his part with the help of Jill to walk down to this room and the few steps from the door to the chair were even harder on his own. He was still in pain from the bullet wound in his back but welcomed the discomfort for it reminded him of what could've happened, what had happened and what did not.

Fraser leaned forward in the chair, resting his forearms on his knees. This new position alleviated his discomfort a little but not totally. He had waited for the Vecchio family to leave for the night before coming down to visit. He felt in a way responsible for the current state of his friend and didn't think he could face the accusing looks of the over boisterous Italian family. Even though they had visited with Fraser that same evening as well and all seemed not to hold any grudges against the Canadian for what happened to their favorite son, he still couldn't believe their sincerity. Fraser could still remember the look on their faces in the hospital waiting room after Ray was hospitalized during the first case they had ever worked on together, hunting down Robert Fraser's murderer. Those accusing looks that night were given to a Mountie they didn't even know, as if it was his fault and he felt he deserved them then too.

The sound of his friend moving on the bed restlessly had Fraser out of his seat as quickly as his body allowed him to move. He took hold of Ray's hand and began soothing his friend back into a calmer sleep. Once Ray stopped fidgeting, Fraser took his seat once again but retained his contact with his best friend.

"The last time I saw you like this was a few days after out first meeting. You saved me then from an apartment explosion that was meant to stop me. You pushed me out the window without being able to save yourself. There was no wrestling with that decision you made. You saw I was in danger and you saved me. I was virtually a stranger to you at the time and yet you risked your life to save me. I knew then that you were a good man, better than you liked people knowing you were. To that, I am eternally grateful. We got our man in the end or men as the case may be and in turn fate had it destined that I be exiled from the only country I knew as my home, to a jungle known as Chicago.

"Oddly enough, even after all we had been through during that one case, we became friends . . . You're my best friend Ray, I don't believe I could imagine an existence without you in it. I can't even imagine returning to the Territories permanently. Don't get me wrong, I miss home and I wouldn't mind returning to fix up Dad's cabin like you suggested but I'm not ready to return there to live, not yet.

"Even though we both know what did and didn't happen, what was and wasn't there, you did the right thing in firing your weapon that night on the train platform. I believe what you believe you saw. I know you pretty well to know you take your job very seriously and don't use your power to get what you want. I know you wish she was dead. That it was her, your bullet hit and not I. But I also know that you weren't trying to kill her. I trust you with my life and I trust your decisions. You put on such a brave face for me Ray but I don't understand why. Don't you know by know I can read you like a book even when you are trying to hide how you feel or what you are thinking. I truly know what is going on in that head of yours. I just know.

"Ray, you were right about my question of 'Why?' I never needed to know why you fired your gun, I knew you were doing your duty. You were protecting me from an evil I wouldn't let myself see. I needed protecting Ray and I thank you for being there for me.

"I guess I thought I deserved the pain she inflicted upon me. I chose to be betrayed by the woman that I thought I loved, because I had betrayed her all those years ago. Funny thing, with all this time I've spent in the hospital, all there was to do was think and I've thought a lot about that, me betraying her but I don't think I ever did, did I? I never betrayed her in the first place but it felt like I did. I was doing my duty and she was on the wrong side of the law. She chose her own fate and the fact that a Mountie had caught her was her own misfortune.

"What was it that made me do all that I did for her? Did I love her? I can't say. All I know is I don't love her now. Seeing what she has put you through, put both of us through, has sobered me up quickly. Was it the guilt over turning her in? Possibly. I truly did feel guilty over that. I thought I had loved her and the thought of turning my one chance at pure joy and happiness in, to be arrested and convicted rocked my entire being. Was I lonely? Most definitely. Do you realize what it's like to see so many people happy and in love and not be part of that? Even you have had your own hits and misses in love. But to be truly alone and have no one to talk to late at night, while curled up around one another, it can be quite disheartening.

"I'm not making excuses here, far from it. All she did was lead me in the wrong direction and I followed without question. Even when my best friend tried to warn me I wouldn't listen. I think with her return, all the emotions that were tied up with those few nights spent struggling to survive up at Fortitude Pass came back to the surface again. They came back to haunt me. There is a fine line between love and hate and when you throw in the possibility of death, it only heightens the emotions.

"I also never needed to know why she did what she did for I knew she had a darkness in her. It was a darkness not even I could change but I tried Ray, I tried so hard to change it. I started trying back when I turned her in. I visited her a few times, right after her conviction but she didn't want to change. She had that look in her eye. It was a look that said she knew what she wanted and nothing was going to stand in her way of getting it and that included me. The day I saw that look was the last time I saw her . . . until Chicago.

"She seemed so different when I first saw her here; so full of life; so full of hope; she seemed changed. I didn't even catch the wickedness in her response when I tried to ask, 'Where she was going,' when I saw here in the street outside the diner. I had only gotten the first word out, 'Where' and her immediate response was 'Prison.' That should've been my first warning sign but I just ignored it. I felt I deserved that little punch in the gut.

"Things seemed so perfect that first night. We seemed perfect. The nights that followed were even better . . . until the night I forgot about your party. I never do things like that. If I'm not going to show up somewhere I'm expected, I always call. You know that but that night . . . That should have been my second warning sign. She was severing my ties Ray. I didn't see that either. My Mountie instincts, as you like to call them, were down and out for the count. She had my life. In those three days, she had my life so wrapped up in her that I didn't need anyone else. She had a darkness inside her and she was clever too.

"'Why are you still here?' That was my question and you knew that. I was asking myself that question from the moment they arrested me up until a few weeks ago. I was arrested being part of a crime I didn't even know happened until I was tracking one of its perpetrators. A crime I hadn't even thought of until I saw her that day on the street. It was a crime that snowballed into a multitude of felonies, including murder. How could you stand by me when you had all and everything to loose? You have a family, a good career, friends . . . What did I have? Me and me alone . . . oh and a wolf too. You should have taken the deal offered. I know there was one offered too, I can read you like a book, remember? But you showed me your brave-face and swore there wasn't one and in addition, vowed never to accept one if offered. Sometimes you can be so stubborn.
"Oh Ray, what a mess this has all become. It all started with one stupid mistake made a decade ago. I made the mistake of falling in love or at least I thought I was in love at the time. I fell in love with the wrong person, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. My question now is that if that had not happened and then in turn this hadn't happen, where would we be today? Probably still best friends but non-the-wiser of the other's feelings. Yes Ray, I know you love me. I heard you admit that in my semi-conscious state a few weeks back. You're voice is like music to my ears. Whenever I hear it, I tend to gravitate towards it. It's like a homing device for this Mountie. That was the only thing I couldn't read from you, that you loved me. I was oblivious to it and I can only assume it's just because didn't know what to look for.

"And Ray, I was in the observation room when Francesca refused to tell you what did or didn't happen between us. I heard her speech and it broke my heart to see the look in your eyes. I know the fear of living alone and I know the fear of dying alone for I fear them both. I wanted to wrap my arms around you to assure you that it was all going to be all right. I wanted to let you know that you weren't alone and if I had anything to say about it, you were surly never going to die alone. She didn't know what she was saying that day. All she saw was an overprotective brother who didn't understand what she wanted. She didn't know what she wanted was what you wanted too.

"As for Victoria and her beauty? I too know that Victoria is beautiful, any person would be a fool not to see that but she was ugly on the inside and that tarnished her outer beautiful. Ray, you are so beautiful on the inside, which only enhances your external beauty even more. I don't care that you are balding, I think it's kind of cute and sexy. I love your nose. It's so distinctive. It's so you. And you are not scrawny in any way. When I think of your build, the word that comes to mind is 'sleek.' If by chance you are wondering the true definition of that, I will give you two: 1) Well-groomed and neatly tailored and 2) Healthy or well fed; thriving. Does that not describe you perfectly?

"And to answer your question Ray, I don't believe I would need saving from another encounter with Victoria. She is no longer worth the struggle to me. When she came here this last time, I didn't know you loved me. I didn't know that there was a chance between you and me. I thought I was the only one in love with his best friend but I was wrong. I can't say we will never see her again. I have a feeling she will haunt me to my grave but I can promise that I will never let her guilt cause me to do something I don't want to do. I can swear to you that I don't love her for I never really did.

"I love 'you' Ray."

Fraser felt the fingers attached to the hand he held move ever so slightly and when he raised his eyes to focus on his friend, Ray's own eyes were struggling to open. Painfully, Fraser pulled himself up to a standing position with his free hand and looked down on the face of his best friend.

When Ray's eyes opened, a small yet very noticeable smile donned his lips. At least the Mountie could see it. "Benny?"

Fraser returned the smile with a turn of the corners of his mouth and said, "Hello Ray."

"Where am I?" Ray asked trying desperately to focus his eyes in the darkened room and keep them open. He was losing the battle.

"Shhh, Ray, you are in the hospital. You do remember being shot, don't you?" Fraser asked.

Ray scrunched up his nose and eyes as if it was an effort for him to think. Ray nodded his head remembering, yet a little fuzzy on the details of what happened that night. "Are you okay?"

Fraser chuckled quietly to himself at the thought of his friend still worrying about him when Ray was the one that had been shot this time. "Yes Ray, I am fine. You need your sleep, so just close your eyes and I will leave . . . "

"No, please stay," Ray pleaded, tightening his grip on Fraser's hand.

It wasn't the strongest grip and if Fraser really wanted to, he could've removed Ray's hand by just pulling his own away but Fraser wasn't about to walk out on Ray like that. "All right Ray, I'll stay." Before Fraser sat back down, he leaned over the bed rail and placed a kiss on Ray's forehead and whispered into his ear, "I love you Ray."

When Fraser pulled back to take his seat, his friend's eyes were filled with tears that he didn't even have the strength to shed. One by one, they trickled down his cheeks and Fraser used his free hand to wipe away the ones he could. "Shhh, Ray, go to sleep. You need your rest now. Go to sleep."

Ray closed his eyes, still wet with his tears and before he knew it, sleep took him again. Fraser released a sigh of relief knowing Ray was resting peacefully, for that was what he needed to recover and he took his seat for the third and final time that night. Never releasing the hold he had of his friend's hand, Fraser too drifted off to sleep. Everything else that needed to be said could wait until the morning. All that need to be said was said. They loved each other and that was that.

The End