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The curtains rippled over the stew pot. Fraser snatched the
pot away before the cloth settled in with the mushrooms.
"Do you need a hand?"
"Oh no, I'm just clearing the table. Thank you, Ray."
Fraser set the pot on the counter next to the leftover rolls and returned
to the couch next to Ray.
It was deep night. A blanket of clouds obscured the stars and
reflected the streetlights back onto the buildings below. The noise
of the streets blew in with the wind through the half-open window, punctuated
by sirens and un-muffled motors.
Ray adjusted the pillow against his back to take the strain off his
stiff arm. "Glad we could do this, Benny."
Fraser poured the tea, adding milk and sugar with the precision of
a laboratory technician. The tea set was an odd mix: an elegant
black bamboo-handled Japanese teapot with garish cow-print mugs and octagonal
steel pitchers for the milk and sugar. "Of course, Ray. Ray
understands that we need some time to ourselves." He handed a mug
to Ray, and Ray took it, leaning back and spreading one arm along the
back of the couch.
"How do you do that, Benny? Nobody can figure it out."
"Make tea?"
"Say our names differently. You do it and there's no question.
Anybody else, there's questions." He and Kowalski both had to go
by their last names at work after a confusing week full of Rays, and
people still sometimes slipped and called Kowalski Vecchio. He
thought sometimes that the best thing about his impending promotion was
that he would get his own name back. He wondered if that was how
women felt after a divorce.
Fraser sipped his tea, looking reflective. "I'm not sure exactly
how I do it. I suppose it's because I'm thinking of two different
people." He blinked at Ray as if that would explain everything.
"Yeah, I guess so." Ray slurped at the tea. They sat for
a moment in silence.
"So what did you want to talk to me about, Ray?" Fraser met
Ray's eyes.
"I, ah..." Ray looked around the apartment. It wasn't
Ray's kind of nice, but it wasn't bad. Sort of cluttered.
There were three bookshelves along the wall stuffed with books and pictures
and mementos; the postcard he'd sent Fraser at the beginning of his undercover
assignment was framed and set at eye level. There were two separate
pictures of parents with small boys, but Ray couldn't tell which was
which from where he sat. Kowalski's little carvings were everywhere.
A poncho in the corner under the window looked like it served as Dief's
bed, from the careful way it was twisted into a spiral.
Some things were obviously Kowalski's: the bike hanging from
the ceiling, the transparent blue plastic phone with the duct-taped cord.
Others were Fraser's, like the twin oil lamps and the sewing kit.
Ray was getting used to the idea of Fraser and Kowalski being together
in the sticky sense of the word.
"So. All this furniture is Kowalski's, huh?" Ray prodded
the couch experimentally. "It's not a bad place."
Fraser nodded. "I don't own any furniture apart from the chest.
What wasn't burned in my father's cabin was destroyed in my apartment
fire. The chest was damaged, but I managed to repair it."
Ray thought of his house, his car, his books and possessions, and
most of all his family wrapped around him like a blanket. He'd
thought that he would never miss Frannie's perfume or Tony and Maria's
shouts as they fought in the kitchen. His assignment in Las Vegas
had shown him how comfortable he really was in Chicago, where he knew
every street and every person on them.
And here was Fraser, with only a wolf and a nut case walking beside
him. "Are you two getting along okay?" Ray asked.
Fraser smiled. "Oh yes, Ray, we're getting along quite well
in all regards. Ray even agreed to replace the bed with a sleeping
bag, since we're so used to it after our adventure." Fraser nodded
to the bedroom.
"You--sleeping bag? You're kidding me--"
Fraser was grinning.
"You are kidding me! Fraser, that was a bald-faced lie!"
Ray was amazed.
"It was a joke, Ray." Fraser laughed.
"A lie. Jeez, you have changed."
"Ray." Fraser was serious again. "I've always told jokes."
"Since when?"
"Since always." Fraser shrugged and Ray shook his head.
"I don't worry about you and him; he's annoying but he's okay.
Though the whittling is kind of worrying, all the time like that."
He made a quick motion with his hands illustrating Kowalski's knifework.
The carvings were beautiful--even Ray had a little wooden Mountie on
his desk--but at the same time, it was a little intimidating to see a
wild-eyed man with a hunting knife in the corner of the bullpen, even
if the wolf by his side was hungry for donuts instead of blood.
"Yes, Ray's become quite talented, hasn't he?" Fraser smiled
fondly but with a certain distance in his eyes, as if he wasn't looking
at the table any more. It was the same look he got when he was
thinking of Canada.
"Keeps people from making cracks about you two, that's for sure.
I think he's become part of the Fraser Weirdness Zone and people don't
even notice any more." Maybe Kowalski was a default Canadian now,
only a mountain man rather than Supermountie. Damn--he was
getting used to the guy.
Fraser just smiled a little and sipped his tea.
Ray looked at Fraser's face, seeing lines around his eyes and a sadness
overall that he'd never seen before. "But it seems like you've
changed, Fraser. Even before you went off into the wilderness,
you know? You're not the same guy I left behind."
"Should I be ever the same, Ray?"
Ray wanted to say "yes" but stopped himself. He was thinking
of the lake; it moved with the tides but it was always still there, being
a lake. He swirled the tea around the mug rather than answering.
"I suppose I have changed," Fraser sighed. "A lot has happened
over the past few years. I became accustomed to the city, made
a place here of a sort."
"Are you happy here? Now that they kicked you upstairs?"
Ray leaned forward, setting his mug on the coffee table. "You haven't
been around much."
"I've been busy." But Fraser wasn't looking him in the eye.
He never was much of a liar.
"You haven't been around at all officially," Ray realized. "You
just come by for lunch. What's up?"
Fraser rubbed his eyebrow. "I've been busy. My
duties as deputy liaison were mostly ceremonial and always light.
I came by so often before since I had very little else to do. But
now I'm responsible for all my former duties and those that were Inspector
Thatcher's besides, and I find myself--swamped."
"Benny. You love running around with us." Ray leaned forward
and put his hand on Fraser's knee. "Are you happy here?"
Fraser cleared his throat. "I'm happy when I'm conversing with
you or when, ah, I'm at home with Ray. I'm happy when I help people
at work. I'm happy when I watch curling with Constable Trudeau.
I'm frequently happy, Ray."
"You're not happy when you're staring at a pile of paperwork."
"Well, no, but who is?"
"Not me." Same thing happened when they took Ray off the street
and sat him at a desk. It was important work, they said, but he'd
go nuts if it was forever. "You'll tell me if you're really unhappy,
right?"
"Yes." And Fraser was looking him in the eye now, so he meant
it one hundred percent.
"It's still good to have you back, Benny," Ray said, more wistfully
than he intended.
"I missed you too. I don't regret returning."
They sipped sweet tea in the quiet apartment. Another siren
sounded in the distance, and the windows and floor vibrated from the
earthquake bass of a car passing along the street. Ray could see
Fraser watching him, waiting for him to talk.
Ray sighed and spoke again. "Ma's not doing so well. We're
moving her back to the hospital tomorrow." She'd had a heart attack
two weeks ago. Ray had been taking half days and looking after
her in shifts with Maria and Frannie.
"Oh, Ray." Fraser's face fell and he set the mug down.
The tea splashed over the side onto the coffee table. "Shall I
visit and read to her again?"
"Yeah, Benny, thanks. She liked that a lot." Fraser had
brushed up on his Italian and read romances to her when she was in the
hospital for the previous attack. Two hours every day. Almost
as much time as Ray himself had spent there. His Ma loved it; she
said it was like being a teenager again, with handsome young men coming
to court her.
"Do you think she'll be all right?"
Ray shook his head slowly. "She's sixty-eight, Benny, and she's
had a hard life. Especially with Pop. Doc says she has to
take things so slow in order to avoid another heart attack, so she can't
do anything she likes. We're taking her back to the hospital because
she's having those, ah, flutters." He gestured to his heart and
Fraser nodded. "With all the snow they're worried she wouldn't
make it to the hospital in time if--" He swallowed. "If."
"You know we'll do whatever we can."
"Yeah, I know. Thanks, Benny." Ray dropped his forehead
into his hand, rubbing at his temple. "We're praying for her, but--there's
not much--dammit, Benny, it hits me like, like a tidal wave, all of a
sudden--" Ray brought the back of his hand to his cheek as he started
to sob.
Fraser hesitated, then rested his hand awkwardly on
the back of Ray's neck. A moment later Fraser sighed quietly and
moved in to embrace Ray. Ray tried not to think about what his
pa would say as he returned the hug; but if he couldn't drop the macho
thing with Fraser, then who?
Ray rested his head on Fraser's shoulder
and cried for his mother.
"I don't think you meant a tidal wave,"
Fraser said quietly when Ray's sobs subsided.
"What then?" He tried to push away but Fraser wouldn't let go.
"Well, a very large wave that strikes all at once is called a tsunami.
Generally it's the result of some seismic activity such as an earthquake
or a subsidence of the crust. A tidal wave is the result of the
tides, as the name suggests. They rise and subside with the movement
of the water."
"Are you making some kind of point here or are you just being intellectual
in my moment of grief?"
"Er--" Fraser looked downcast.
Ray did feel better, though. There was something about Benny
that let you spill your guts with confidence. "It's okay.
It worked either way."
Ray heard Dief bark in the hall and lifted his head, swiping at his
eyes. Fraser didn't let him go.
"Kowalski." Was it eleven already?
"Yes."
"Don't want him to get jealous, Benny, he might gut me with that knife
of his."
"He would never do that." Fraser was like a rock. "It's
all right, Ray." His arms were warm around him, embracing him like
a wall around the world.
Keys scratched against the door and Dief trotted through ahead of
Kowalski. The wolf immediately came over to the couch and licked
Ray's knee.
"The conquering heroes return after their triumph over
the pigeons in the park," Kowalski called out as he came through the
door. He was in jeans and one of Fraser's royal blue RCMP sweatshirts
under his leather jacket. He spotted Fraser and Ray on the couch.
"Uh--hey--what's up?"
"Mrs. Vecchio is going back in hospital," Fraser said. Ray sat
silently with wolf spit on his pants.
"Oh. I'm sorry, Vecchio. She's a real good lady."
There was a jingle of keys and Kowalski headed into the other room.
"Come on, Dief, quit drooling on Vecchio, you know he don't like it."
Dief grumbled and followed. The bedroom door shut behind them.
"That wolf isn't deaf at all," Ray said. "He's faking it."
"Well, I believe Dief was looking at Ray when he spoke." Fraser's
arms were like sun-warmed rock around his shoulders. "How are you
feeling?"
"Like I was run over by a street cleaner. And I have a wet knee."
He shut his mouth and his eyes. "Aw, Benny," he finally murmured,
and leaned forward to wrap his arms around his friend.
He took a deep breath against Fraser's shoulder, smelling wool and
wolf and onions. He took another breath. "I'm okay," he said,
and pulled back.
"Are you quite sure, Ray?"
"Yeah. You're a good pal, Benny." He patted Fraser's shoulder
and moved to stand up. "Let me go wash my face off. I need
to talk to Kowalski."
"About what?"
"Same old thing, but I promise it'll be civil this time."
"I trust you, Ray." Fraser let him go with a little pat on his
shoulder.
Ray splashed some water on his face in the bathroom, toweling himself
dry. He watched the water drain from the sink, spiraling down.
He could hear Kowalski walking around the apartment and braced himself
for the upcoming conversation. It wouldn't be easy; he felt worn
out already.
Fraser and Kowalski were murmuring in the living room, a warm, comfortable
sound. The sound of lovers safe in their own house. God help
him, but he was getting used to the idea; it was starting to seem normal,
or at least no weirder than Fraser usually was.
He poked his head out of the bathroom to see Fraser and Kowalski standing
and kissing against the back of the couch. Kowalski's hand ruffling
Fraser's hair, Fraser's arms wrapped around Kowalski's waist under that
long leather jacket of his, both sets of eyes closed as their mouths
met gently. He ducked back into the bathroom to give them some
privacy. Even if Fraser was his best friend, that still didn't
give him the right to be a peeping tom.
The bathroom held a dozen bottles of hair stuff and no combs, which
explained a lot about Kowalski in particular.
Actually, there was one comb, but it was hanging on the strap with
Fraser's straight razor. Maybe they both used it. Ray gave
them nearly a full minute by his watch and then rattled the towel ring
and emerged.
Kowalski was sitting at the table with a bowl of stew,
drizzling honey on a roll. He nodded to Ray and ended up with sticky
fingers. "Damn." Fraser looked up and smiled fondly, then
went back to ladling the leftover stew into a big Tupperware container.
"C'mere, Dief baby," Kowalski said, wiggling his sticky fingers under
the table. Dief jumped up and licked Kowalski's hand happily.
"You're
a pig, Kowalski."
"Yeah, I sure am." He didn't even have the decency to be embarrassed;
he grinned instead.
Fraser put the ladle down. "Dare I ask what you're doing over
there?"
Kowalski stuffed the roll into his mouth and spread his hands, wide-eyed.
He poured himself some tea and chewed.
Ray picked up his own mug and sat at the table as well. "How's
the new partner working out?" he asked, nice and friendly.
Kowalski swallowed. "He's okay. He hasn't licked anything
yet but he keeps reciting Zen coins whenever something doesn't remind
him of something."
"What?"
"They don't make sense. He says that's on purpose, it's Zen.
I say whatever; he's a good cop. He's hell on wheels in the interrogation
room and we haven't been on one single rooftop in what, a month working
together?" Kowalski shrugged. "It's good. It's fine."
"It's 'koans'," Fraser called from the kitchen. "Zen koans."
"That's what I said."
"No, you said 'coins'."
Kowalski was grinning. "You know that's said the same way, you
just won't admit it."
"They're two entirely separate words. One is Japanese, from
ko, public, and the other is English, stemming from the Latin cuneus,
wedge, referring to the wedge used in stamping the coins." Fraser
sounded steamed. He was making little coin-stamping motions with
his hands. Kowalski was holding his mug in front of his mouth to
hide his face from Fraser.
"Benny's right, you are supposed to say them differently." Ray
put his mug down and waited for Kowalski's reaction. Kowalski just
looked at Ray under his lashes and smiled to himself before finishing
his tea.
Fraser set the stew in the fridge and poured two glasses of water
from the filter pitcher. He sat down and set one in front of Kowalski.
"What did you want to discuss with Ray, Ray?"
Ray gulped his tea, trying to think of the right words. Fraser
had caught him flat-footed. Last time he brought up the wedding,
things hadn't gone so well.
Kowalski cut his eyes at Ray and fixed them on the water. "You
and Stella still doing okay?" he asked his glass.
"Yeah. We set a date. June fifth." He waited for
Kowalski to blow up, but he just sat there looking into his water glass.
"She wants you to come."
Kowalski nodded, holding up his glass and looking straight through
it. "That's nice. June bride. Me and her, we got married
in November, and it snowed six inches the night before. A real
disaster. Half Stella's family got stuck in their hotel and we
had to scare up this big old truck to go get them. Back before
trucks were trendy, right? And my dad helped the priest dig out
the church door so everyone could get in."
"That sounds like Virgil Goodstone's wedding," Fraser said.
"Except that there were dogsleds rather than trucks, and a polar bear
was involved. Peripherally."
Ray watched Kowalski. His interrogation room instincts were
telling him something was going on inside the man's head.
"A peripheral polar bear." Kowalski smiled, still looking at
the glass. He flicked his finger against the side, sending a ripple
bouncing through the water. "Stella, she was just gorgeous.
She was still all chubby-cheeked with hair down to here." He drew
a line at the middle of his chest. "She had silk flowers in her
hair because we couldn't afford hothouse flowers. June is a good
month to get married."
Last time Ray and Kowalski talked about Ray and Stella's wedding,
Kowalski had punched him in the mouth. Ray returned it with interest
and Fraser finally had to pry them apart and take Kowalski out of the
room in a fireman's carry. Apparently Kowalski was a little more
used to the idea now.
"Who's going to give her away?" Kowalski asked.
Stella's parents were both dead, her father of a heart attack and her
mother from stroke.
Ray had suggested that she walk up the aisle
alone since she was modern and independent and all that, but Stella was
a traditionalist in certain ways. "Her brother."
Kowalski just nodded, looking like his brain was a million miles away.
"We didn't plan to get married in November," Kowalski murmured.
"She always wanted to be a June bride, I dunno why. We had to have
the ceremony real quick because Stella was pregnant--it didn't show,
but she was three months pregnant when we were married." He was
silent for a long moment, and then drank a long draft of water.
"Ray?" Fraser stretched his hand toward Kowalski, not quite
touching his elbow. His face showed the same questions that were
stampeding all over Ray's head. Kowalski hadn't ever mentioned
a kid before.
"Only our mums knew she was pregnant, right? Had
to keep it secret from Dad. But then we went over for dinner not
too long after the wedding and Dad took a look, and he just knew.
He took me aside later and said 'Ray, you devil. You'll name him
after your old man, won't you?'" Kowalski looked up at the ceiling
and smiled. "I told him I thought it was a girl."
Ray couldn't help himself. "Was it?"
Kowalski was still looking at the ceiling. "Stella was six months
pregnant when she lost the baby. It was so--quick. In the
morning things were fine, then after work she started bleeding, and the
next morning there wasn't any baby any more."
Kowalski took a deep drink of water. He rubbed the back of his
hand across dry eyes.
"I didn't know that, Ray," Fraser said quietly.
Kowalski shrugged, his eyes still closed. "I don't talk about
it. Haven't talked about it in a real long time. I don't
blame her for not wanting kids after that. I don't." He opened
his eyes. "In a week it'd be twenty years and the baby would be
all grown up. But instead it's over, and that's life." Kowalski
looked at Ray. "I'm just glad it's you and not some jerk I can't
keep an eye on."
Ray almost smiled, just a little jerk of the lips. "Likewise
in reverse," he said, glancing meaningfully from Kowalski to Fraser.
Kowalski looked at Fraser, rubbing at his face. Fraser slid
two fingers up under the pushed-up sleeve of the RCMP sweatshirt, and
it didn't seem like much of an embrace but Kowalski got a kick out of
it. Enough for them to be smiling at each other.
Had Kowalski ever told anyone else? He obviously hadn't told
Fraser. Ray tried to imagine him and Angie losing a baby like that--or
him and Irene, back when they were kids.
Fraser--he had it bad. As bad as Ray had it for Stella.
"You hurt him I'll kill you," Ray said. Fraser straightened up
a little and tightened his grip on Kowalski's elbow.
Kowalski turned back to Ray, staring him down. "Likewise in
reverse." He looked at Ray, breathing heavy. "It was a girl."
Ray didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say.
Kowalski dropped his eyes and folded his hands around the water glass
again. "I hope things--work." He batted it gently between
his hands, causing the water to slosh back and forth.
"I'll try."
Kowalski nodded. Fraser was still hanging onto his elbow.
"I
should get going." Kowalski and Fraser both stood up when he did.
Dief even trotted in from the bedroom. "I said 'going,' not 'donuts,'
you mutt," he told the wolf firmly, but Dief just wagged his tail and
gave him the big-eyes begging look.
Fraser appeared beside him. "Don't embarrass yourself," he said
to Dief. Dief yelped and Fraser sighed, shaking his head and turning
to Ray. "I'm glad you could come. I haven't seen nearly enough
of you since our return."
"Amen to that, Benny." He hugged the guy again.
"I'll make time to visit Mrs. Vecchio."
"Thanks."
Fraser walked him to the door and handed him his coat from the closet.
Kowalski wandered along behind with his hands in his pockets, sticking
close to Fraser. Sticking close to his family; Ray could understand
that. "Are you coming to the wedding?" Ray asked him.
"Yeah. Social event of the season."
"And you'll be my best man, right Benny? We need a good story
about caribou to kick the marriage off right."
Surprise crossed over Fraser's face--he never did have much of a poker
face. Surprise then elation, a great big smile. "I would
be honored, Ray." Ray clapped him on the shoulder and grinned right
back.
Ray looked at Kowalski. "See you around."
Kowalski pulled his hands out of his pockets, looking like he was
angling for a hug. Ray gave him a skeptical look. "Come on, Vecchio,
we're practically in-laws now."
What the hell. Ray hugged him.
What struck him was how strong Kowalski felt. He didn't think
the guy had much to him, but there was muscle wrapped around those skinny
bones. He thumped Kowalski's back and pulled back.
"You take care of him. Don't let him run in traffic."
Kowalski smiled. "I won't."
"Or lick electrical sockets."
"Too late."
"Really?" Ray looked at Fraser, who just raised his eyebrows
and played dumb. "That explains a lot." A thought struck
him. "Fraser, you know what's up with Frannie? She's been
acting weird--more than just the thing with Ma--and won't say why."
Fraser looked at Kowalski. Kowalski looked at Fraser.
They both looked at Ray and shrugged. Fraser's eyes were just a
little too wide for him to really look innocent.
"Yeah, I'll ferret you out eventually." Ray waggled his finger
at the both of them and headed down the hall, trying to figure out if
this made Kowalski an honorary brother or brother-in-law. His long
wool coat rippled against his legs as he walked.
end.
feedback of any shape, size or color is welcome:
bas@yosa.com
www.ravenswing.com/bas/slash/
WARNING:
this story contains a reference to a miscarriage in a character's past.
I realize that this is a too-common and very painful event, so I couldn't
in good conscience leave this warning out.