Notes: Companion piece/sequel to Want, Need, Have, and Patience.

Author's webpage: http://home.att.net/~lojojan

For Amy B, cuz she rocks.

Time

By: Lori J

Some days are better than others. Some days Ray feels and some days he doesn't.

Some days he just is.

Fraser is, too. Mounties always are.

From the second that Ray said 'I need you.' Fraser has been there. Tall and strong and understanding.

They don't talk about that night. Ray refuses to even think about it. He just wants to forget. Wants to repress the gut-clenching fear he feels when Fraser stands a little too close. Wants to ignore the way he wakes himself up screaming from nightmares filled with Bad Things.

But as much as Ray tells himself he's fine, he knows that it's a lie. Damage has been done and whether or not it can be repaired remains to be seen.

He can hold it together at work. Manages to maintain a semblance of normality around the station. Ray stays as late as he can just to be around people. Preferably people that are his height or shorter.

Ray knows something's not quite right in his head. He's fucked up. He jumps at loud noises now. Gets nervous when someone stands behind him. He won't talk to strange men, won't even look at them. Makes interviewing suspects hard, but he manages. Most times Fraser is there. Standing next to and just a little in front of Ray. Protecting him.

The idea that Fraser wants to protect him makes Ray nervous, too. What's in it for Fraser? Is he going to someday expect payment for his protection? Will that payment be sexual in nature?

Because friend or no, Ray can't do it. The idea of sex with Fraser--sex with *anyone*--terrifies him right now. And even though Ray knows that Fraser would never, ever hurt him it doesn't make the fear go away.

Damaged. Damaged in the worst possible way.

So damaged that he can't accept Fraser's comfort. Couldn't accept it that night and can't accept it now. Ray knows he shouldn't have called Fraser, but there wasn't anyone else *to* call.

Fraser understands, though.

Fraser always fucking understands and it's not fair because Ray doesn't understand and he just wants to be a normal guy again and why can't he? Why can't he have that again? Why can't he be what he was before?

Why is it so hard to exist?

*

He has nightmares.

Horrible, horrible nightmares that leave him gasping for breath even as he prepares to scream again.

Nightmares where he's back in that room again. That room in the back of the bar. That room that had seen many men before him and will see many more after.

And it's like he's living it all over again.

Letting himself be pulled into the small room, bare except for a double bed. Finally getting a look at the man. One good look before he's pushed to his knees and ordered to open his mouth. Feeling a spark of fear and rejoicing over it.

And later, shoved face down on the bed, gagging as the smell of unwashed sheets fills his senses. Panicking as the man holds him down and touches him all over. Touches Ray and makes approving noises, stopping to readjust his hold because by now Ray is realizing that he doesn't want this and he's struggling.

But the man is so much bigger than him and he can't move. Can't and it hurts because the man is biting and pinching. Laughing when Ray whimpers and tries to buck him off.

The nightmare ends the same.

Ray screaming into the pillow, pain searing through him with every thrust the man makes into his body. It hurts so bad and he still can't move. The man is so big and he holds Ray down without a problem. And Ray just tries to pretend that it isn't happening. That he isn't being raped. That he doesn't hear the man grunting behind him and he doesn't hear the sound of the man's thighs slapping against his ass.

And when Ray can feel and hear the man start to come he almost starts crying. Almost over and he can go home and take a shower. Wash his body clean of the filth in this room.

The man yells loudly and comes, collapsing on Ray's back. He can hardly breathe and all he can hear is harsh panting in his ear.

The man speaks. "Was it good for you?"

And Ray starts to scream again because it's Fraser's voice asking him and Fraser's body pinning him down.

Fraser who hurt him.

*

So he doesn't sleep much at night.

Ray knows he must look like hell. Dark circles under eyes that are bloodshot. His clothes don't fit very well these days either. He finds it hard to eat much of anything.

But Fraser's been like a rock. His own personal Rock of Gibraltar. Fraser, who pretends it doesn't bother him that Ray flinches if Fraser moves too fast or stands too close. Or talks too loudly. Or does anything.

He doesn't want to lose Fraser. Won't lose Fraser. Refuses to lose Fraser. Ray's lost before and it's not happening this time.

Ray will get himself straight. Mend all the fucked up things in his head. It's just going to take time.

Time and maybe a therapist.

As much as Ray hates to admit it, he needs help. The kind of help that Fraser can't give him. That Ray won't let him give.

He wants, someday, to have a life with Fraser. A relationship. Love.

Can't have that until he gets his head on straight though.

Just going to take time.

End