Wash Me Clean

 
Ray was being too quiet and the frown on his face
 was deepening as they waited at the small airport.
He was managing to hold to his promise, that he 
would let Ben do all the talking and handling of their
boarding passes and luggage this time.  He 
continued to stay unhappy as they boarded the 
small plane that would take them to the Northwest
Territories and Ben's home... soon to be Ray's as well.
As they sat in the plane, there was a feeling of deja
vu that they both couldn't shake, because they 'had' done
this before with disastrous results.  Ben figured Ray
wouldn't be happy again until they safely landed.  He'd 
wait him out, because he knew this was something they
both wanted.  He was excited about sharing with Ray the
beautiful wide open spaces of his beloved home and was 
looking forward to time 'alone' with him, that their lives in 
Chicago hadn't always been able to provide.

Ben had spent alot of time soul-searching and re-finding
himself during the six months they were apart and he was
thankful he had made the decision to go back to Chicago to 
reclaim his lover.  He had been worried at first that Ray 
ight not want him back or wouldn't come with him, but here
he was, sitting right next to him now... committing himself, 
by this simple act, to sharing Ben's life and heart.

Headed for the Territories with Ray again, he couldn't help
but recall when they had tried to go to the cabin that one
time last year, but didn't quite make it.  Their plane had 
been hijacked and then crashed in the wilderness. He looked 
over now at his savior from that time and smiled lovingly at him. Ray
although scared and unfamiliar with wilderness survival,
had kept his cool - for the most part - and cared for him when
he was seriously injured, even when he had become a burden. 
He knew he had been a burden, but Ray would never have said
so.  Ben couldn't resist teasing his stern-faced companion as
he reached out to place a reassuring hand on his arm. "Steve, 
don't worry.  I've calculated the odds and they're in our favor
this time."  He got the reaction he hoped for.  Ray's startled 
worried look was priceless. "Steve?  Who is this Steve you're 
always talking about?  A former lover or something?  I'm starting to
get jealous Benny.  What?"  Fraser couldn't help but giggle at that.
"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up at my expense.", but now he was
smiling too.  The flight was thankfully uneventful and they 
successfully touched down at their proper destination.  They still had
quite a long journey ahead of them.

He continued with good-naturedly teasing his
partner.  "Hmmm."  Ray took the bait.  "Ya know you
really drive me crazy when you do that.  Should I
take out my back-up gun?  What's wrong now?"
Fraser tried to keep a serious face. "I can't seem
to spot the dogsled I ordered." He pointed over
Ray's shoulder. "Ah, there it is."  As Ray turned
around to where he pointed, "Hey, you didn't
mention nothing about us joining the Ididerod."
When he saw that there was no dogsled, but an all-
terrain vehicle where his friend pointed, he
breathed a sigh of relief.  Ray had unpleasant
memories of the last time he rode in a dogsled.  He
had been suffering from injuries accrued earlier
and was being jostled painfully around in the
contraption.  What made it worse was at the same
time, he and Fraser were being pursued by thugs on
snowmobiles shooting at them.  They had come
through so many rough times together; that incident
being just one of the first of many.

As they drove away from the airport, Ben could see
that Ray was enjoying the scenic beauty all around
them.  Summer in the Territories, although short,
was quite beautiful.  It sure looked alot more
welcoming than the last time Ray had visited a
couple of years earlier, when the snow was thick
and the temperatures frigid.  However, this time
they'd have no interruptions from an army of thugs
out to get them or plane hijackers trying to kill
them.  His excitement at being on his old stomping
grounds again, seemed to be spilling over to Ray,
as he gave him the guided tour laced with personal
stories about his growing up here.

Ben knew that Ray still wanted to make good on the
promise he'd made to him to help him rebuild his
father's cabin, that nightmarish time he'd been
shot by him.  Ray's first attempt to honor that
promise had only resulted in Fraser being severely
injured again.  He knew that Ray was silently
reminded of this every time they made love, when he
saw the scar on his back.  He'd felt him kiss that
spot so many times, but still no matter how hard
Ben wished for it to do so, that physical reminder
wouldn't fade away.  Fraser had forgiven him for
it, but knew his dearest friend and lover would
never forgive himself and would do whatever it took
to make it up to him.  Ben knew that it amused Ray
that although he had rebuilt the cabin already
without him, he had left the bathroom for him to
help build.  It was an in-joke between them,
because of Ray's reaction to the cabin's outdoor
facilities when he first visited and later when he
was recuperating from the gunshot wound an eager to
please overly repentant Ray had offered to pay for
the materials and fixtures to build an indoor one.
He really had wanted Ray to have a hand in helping
rebuild, maybe in this way some of his guilt from
that time too would be assuaged.

Almost an hour later, they drove along the dirt
road that would soon lead to Fraser's home.  Ben
radiated pure joy when the Fraser homestead had
started to come into view.  Ray reached over to his
friend and gently moved the back of his hand along
his cheek.  "Welcome home Benny."  Fraser removed
one hand from the steering wheel and took the
proffered hand in his and kissed it.  "Its your
home now too."

They drove through the entrance of the driveway and
Fraser pulled up alongside the front of the house.
Ben watched in delight as Ray's eyes widened at the
sight of 'the cabin'.  It certainly didn't look
like the same cabin that was here that last time he
visited.  It really couldn't be called a cabin now,
it was more like a house.  It was larger and
consisted of more rooms than just the one it had
before.

Fraser was excited and wanted to show his new
roommate around the place he'd created for them
both.  He eagerly tugged at Ray's hand pulling him
up the front stairs to the porch, then inside, all
the while keeping up a running commentary as if he
were an over eager real estate agent trying to sell
the place.  They went from room to room, Ben
pointing out this, that or the other thing to his
companion.  As he was going into detail about the
sink, he felt a finger placed on his lips and saw
Ray's laughing eyes and mouth.  "Shhh.  Don't worry
we'll have plenty of time to talk about two-by-
fours and plumbing, ok?  Its beautiful.  I love it.
You've sold me on it.  How much is it gonna cost
me?"  Ben laughed with him when he realized he had
been rambling so much, that the normally talkative
one - Ray - hadn't been able to get a word in since
he started the tour.  Suggestively Ben responded,
"Just kiss me now as a down payment, we'll discuss
the rest of the terms of sale later."  Ray did as
Ben wished, as they kissed for the first time in
'their' new home. 

***************************************************
The first night at the 'cabin', Ben wanted so much
for them to share that exhilarating passion they
once had before.  During their separation he'd
imagined a number of times his lover here with him
and that they would be able to just pick up where
they left off before the rape.  But now that his
lover was here, Ray had been kind of stand-offish
towards him in that regard.  Not that he wasn't
attentive and affectionate, but he seemed hesitant
to touch him as intimately, in that way he had
which engulfed Ben's body in a fire which couldn't
be doused without his first making love to him.

Ben decided to make the first move, as he came up
behind his lover washing their dinner dishes at the
sink.  He moved in close, melding their bodies
together, placing his arms around Ray's waist,
nuzzling his neck and placing soft kisses there,
then warmly breathed into a receptive ear "I want
you."  The dish in Ray's hand was quickly
forgotten, as his lover shifted in his embrace to
face him.  Those expressive eyes looked deep into
his blue ones, "You call the shots on this Benny.
We'll go with whatever's comfortable for you, ok?"
Ben smiled and nodded, moving his head slightly for
a kiss.  Soon soapy wet hands cupped his face and
it felt so good when their lips met and he let his
tongue tease Ray's.  It wasn't long before he could
feel Ray's heat along with the building pressure of
his erection straining against Ben through their
clothing.

They made their way to the bed shortly thereafter.
Ben was touched by how gentle Ray was being with
him, holding back slightly, letting him lead.
Lying together on the bed, kissing, touching,
fondling, Ben thought that by now he'd have also
become erect, but he found his body and mind
betraying him with impotence.  Ray's reactions and
body was signalling his readiness to move on to the
next stage, but Ben wasn't in synch.  His stomach
was in knots and he was beginning to tense up.  Ben
closed his eyes in frustration, discomfort and
shame for doing this to his lover.  Squirming now
and pushing at Ray to get away from him, he sadly,
quickly and forcefully said, "I'm sorry Ray, but we
have to stop!  Stop!"  Ray, still aroused, managed to stop
his amorous attentions as soon as Ben's distress
registered in his sensation inflamed mind.  He fell
away from Ben and onto his pillow, turning his
flushed face to the side to gaze at Ben, who felt a
soft squeeze on his hand, as Ray huskily breathed
out, "Don't worry.  Its ok.  I understand."  Ben
was miserable for having teased his
lover like this. "But I got you all worked up for
nothing.  I'm so sorry."  Ray gave him a
sympathetic yet mischievous look as he rose from
the bed and headed for the other room, "Its ok.
I'll handle it."

Ben lay on his side berating himself for thinking
that their lovemaking could go back to the way it
had been before.  He knew he loved Ray deeply, even
more now than ever, and had enjoyed the sex they
once shared.  Why couldn't he now?  His heart was
saying 'yes', but his body and subconscious were
screaming 'no'.

The bed moved slightly when Ray, now in his boxers,
returned to sit down next to him.  Rolling over
onto his back Ben looked up at what he thought he'd
see - disappointment in him - but instead he was
rewarded with a smile and a caress to his cheek.
"Ya know there's some pretty strange sounds outside
this cabin of your's.  I thought it was gonna be
quiet and peaceful out here.  But there's so much
noise out there, with owls hooting, crickets
cricketing and I *don't* want to know what that
growling was; I'll never get any sleep.  Its even
louder than the city."   Ben couldn't help but
laugh, "Crickets cricketing Ray?"  Pretending to be
offended, "Hey give me a break.  I'm not from
around here.  I haven't had a chance to learn all
the lingo yet.  But I'm working on it.  In no time
at all I'll be saying 'hey' and 'hoser' with the
best of them."  Ben teased with an academic air, "I
think you mean 'eh' Ray.  You're accents getting in
the way."  With a hurt tone he got a "What accent?"
replied to that.  "Surry to tell you this Ray, but
you have an accent."  Petulant and playful, he
responded "Don't.  Its you that has the accent.
'Surry' yeah right!"  Fraser smiled and shook his
head, "Ray you're in Canada now.  You're
outnumbered.  *YOU* have the accent."  Ray
countered him with, "Outnumbered by what?  Caribou?
I don't have an accent."  "Do."  "Don't." and then
he felt a sudden tug at his lips, before he could
get the entire next "Do" out, which ended up cut
off in Ray's mouth.  When his captive mouth was
finally released, "Ray is that how you're going to
end all of our arguments from now on?"  Lying
nestled in the crook of Fraser's arm now, with his
head on his chest, idly stroking him, "Just the
one's where I'm in the right.  Which will be
always."  Shifting the arm around Ray to pull him
closer, he kissed the dark head that was resting on
him. "Thanks Ray."  "For what?"  "For being you."

***************************************************

A week had passed in which Ben got to show Ray
around the homestead and a few of his old haunts.
He'd put in for 3 weeks of stored up vacation time
to spend with Ray to get him adjusted to his new
life here.  Today he was taking him to picnic by
'his' lake.  The first time he remembered laying
eyes on it, his mother had brought him here when he
was very young.  She had told him that it was
called "Benton Lake" and that she loved this place
so much, she named him after it.  From then on it
became his favorite place too, especially after she
died, because he always felt close to her here.

>From the cabin it took about an hour to hike to,
and he'd left this morning with Ray to come here.
Ray was as amusing as ever with his running
commentary about everything and anything around
them as they made their way up here.  But "Are we
there yet?" was becoming a more frequent whine and
he was glad that the lake was just around the
corner now.  It was as placid and beautiful as he
remembered.  He hadn't been here since he'd first
left for Chicago, a few years ago, but he always
carried a picture of this spot in his head,
especially for those days in the city when he
needed to meditate on something peaceful.  He heard
a sharp intake of breath coming from behind him,
then a reverent voice, "Wow! Does it have a name?"
Pleased at his friend's reaction, "Yes.  Its called
'Benton Lake'."  Ben felt a hand slip into his, "I
can see why you're named after it.  Its as
breathtakingly beautiful as you are."  Ben blushed
slightly and rubbed his thumb along the hand inside
his, "This was my mother's favorite place and its
mine too.  I wanted to share it with you."  Ray
raised their clasped hands to his lips and kissed
Ben's, "I'm glad."

They set up their picnic close to the lake and just
relished the sun beating down on them, the clouds
reflected on the water and each other's company.
At one point after their meal, ever-observant Ben
noticed a momentary cloud passing over Ray's
features. "What's wrong Ray?"  Ray tried to hide
the melancholy mood with a forced smile. "Nothin'.
Just thinking that you mentioned your mother liking
it here.  I was thinking about mine.  She'd
probably like it too."  Ben started to truly
realize how much Ray had given up to be here with
him.  Ray was used to a large family and lots of
people around him, his work, the city and all its
attractions.  Here he had taken him away from all
that he loved and was familiar with, hardly
stopping to realize that Ray may be homesick and
missing his family.  Ben should have known better,
having had to deal with that feeling himself when
he first moved to Chicago and away from his beloved
Canada and the beautiful solitude of the
Territories.  But he hadn't had anyone to miss or
be missed by him when he had left, like Ray. 

He sidled up next to his friend on the picnic
blanket and placed an arm around his shoulders.
"Ray I understand.  You don't have to worry about
telling me you miss your family.  I know you love
them and worry about them.  I don't ever want to
stand in the way of that.  You're not a prisoner
here.  You can come and go as you want.  Just
please come as often as possible.  Ok?"  Ray's eyes
told him so much as he responded bittersweetly, "My
home is wherever you are Benny.  Ya know, I tried
to explain that to my family before we left, but I
don't know if they really understood."

Ben remembered going with Ray to lend support as he
broke the news about their relationship to his
family and his decision to leave them.  It felt
right to bring it out into the open, no longer
having to lie to them, but now he could see the
toll this had taken on his friend.  They had told
Mrs. Vecchio first.  He recalled how nervous Ray
had been when he approached her in the kitchen, "Ma
I need to talk with you."  He remembered Mrs.
Vecchio had been surprised to see him there with
Ray, especially when she noticed Ray had Ben's hand
held firmly in his.  She had given them her full
attention immediately then and had been very open-
minded about what they had to tell her.  Ray was
talking now. "I know I hurt ma, but she assured me
she understood.  It still amazes me how well she
can read me, especially since she admitted to
suspecting us.  I hope she keeps her promise to
visit us sometime."  Ben confessed, "Your mother
spoke to me alone, while you were talking to
Francesca, but asked that I not tell you then.  She
told me that she loved you very much and that she
knew that I did too 'now'.  Your mother is a very
wise woman.  Though she was angry at me, rightfully
so, for what I put you through.  She threatened me
to look after you well or else.  I'm charged with
making sure you don't get eaten by wild animals and
that your fed well." Ray smiled, glad that Ben
shared this because it helped to know that his
mother had accepted Ben, "Yeah, that sounds like
ma.  I'm glad she spoke with you. I was surprised
at how supportive Theressa was and Tony, well, he
probably still doesn't have a clue.  I'll bet he
doesn't even realize I'm in Canada."  They both
laughed at that, recalling telling Theressa and her
husband.  Tony was a good-hearted decent man, but
thick headed.  The conversation turned to Francesca
now, Ben hadn't gone with Ray to talk with her.
They felt it would lessen the blow if Fraser
weren't there.  Ray promised him that he would be
gentle with how he told her.  Ray hadn't really
told him much about that meeting.  He was so upset
at the time he left her that he didn't want to talk
about it then, but now he told him what he already
suspected.  Ray took a deep breath, "Oh Benny, the
one that hurts the most is Frannie.  The devastated
look on her face was horrible.  Then those hateful
words.  Ya know, she even cursed me to die of AIDS.
Man, I still hear her vowing to never see or talk
to me again.  But that didn't surprise me, I kind
of expected it, but it still doesn't hurt any
less."  Ray's sad pained eyes were cast down, as he
idly played with a napkin in his hand.  Ben placed
a hand under Ray's chin, lifting it slowly to force
him to look at him. "Ray, I know you love her.  But
you're not to blame for hurting her, she's the one
hurting herself.  If she wants to punish someone it
should be me, not you, because I don't want her, I
want you."  With that he embraced his lover and
kissed him tenderly, hoping to syphon away some of
Ray's sadness.
***************************************************
One night while lying in bed, Ben couldn't stop
himself from asking. "Ray, forgive me for asking
this, but its been bothering me for a while.  Were
you with anyone while we were separated?  I know it
shouldn't matter.  I was the one who pushed you
away then and you're back with me now, but..."
Ray's head turned quickly to look at Ben. "No
Benny, no.  If you're hinting about Louise, I've
wanted to talk to you about that.  Is it ok to talk
about this?"  Ben swallowed then nodded, "Yes.  I
started this topic of conversation afterall."

Ray continued in earnest, "I was afraid to tell you
that day you accused me of making love to her.  You
were so angry, I didn't think anything I said about
it would have mattered.  Oh god Benny, you don't
know how many times I wished she hadn't caught up
to me.  Elaine was right about my sneaking out the
back stairwell.  What you didn't know; I was trying
to avoid Louise 'again'.  But she spotted me.  I
was trapped.  She started talking to me about a
case we were on.  What she expected from me; ended
up with a stack of folders twice as big as she
usually gives me to boot.  Then bang, suddenly
she's switching the conversation to: Why was I
avoiding her; Why wasn't I calling?  Why didn't I
like her any more?  Oh man, I really handled the
closing of that relationship badly Benny.  I was so
wrapped up in my love for you and in having time
for us, that I didn't tie up all the loose ends
with Louise.  I was such a jerk.  I hadn't realized
I'd botched up so badly.  She was in tears and I
was beside myself trying to talk to her.  I told
her there was someone else, but not who...  I'm
sure she knows now though.  Nothing happened
between us Benny.  You've gotta believe me.  Please
believe me."  The eyes that were pleading with him
now for his faith in what was just said won him
over.  "I do.  I'm sorry for ever thinking you'd
ever be unfaithful to me.  Forgive me."   Ray
responded, "Benny I won't deny it hurt to hear you
say it, but you were forgiven as soon as you did.
Besides its me who should be asking you for
forgiveness.  I'm the one that let you down.  I
wasn't there when you needed me.  I should have
been there to get you at the consulate.  If
only..."  Ben's finger went to Ray's lips to stop
the next flow of words, "I can't blame you for what
happened to me Ray, it wouldn't be fair, so please
promise me you'll stop taking the blame on
yourself.  Promise me Ray."  Ray whispered out
weakly "I'll try."  "Don't try Ray.  Promise me."
Ray swallowed and said "I promise."

Ben gazed at his lover, amazed all over again that
Ray was actually here with him.  Afraid if he
closed his eyes and opened them again, he would be
gone, leaving him only a dream.  After having been
so self-absorbed for so many months, Ben had
recently been imagining what Ray must have gone
through.  Ray, although not physically there, had
been a victim of the rape almost as much as he had
been.  He had vague recollections of a
compassionate Ray comforting him and taking care of
him the night it had happened and after.  Then all
those terrible things he'd said to hurt him and how
he behaved towards Ray came back to haunt him now.

Ben wished he could take back all he'd done to hurt
him, especially the one thing he'd done that caused
his friend and lover the most pain, his rejection
of him when he ran away. "Ray please forgive me for
shutting you out and ever leaving you."  Ray held
him tighter, "Ahh Benny, I'm here aren't I?  If you
need to hear the words too: I forgive you... I love
you.  I just wish you could have talked to me,
opened up to me then; let me share your burden. Ya
know, while you were gone I did some soul-searching
of my own.  My family and the precinct gang
couldn't stand being around me.  I don't blame
them, I couldn't stand being around me either.  I
was moody obnoxious bastard to everyone.... And
don't you dare say 'What's so abnormal about that
Ray?'... I don't remember how it happened, but one
day I ended up at Dr. Lowell's door. I visited him
a couple of times after that.  I'd had a revelation
at some point that you weren't so much rejecting
me, as rejecting - out of fear - love in all its
forms.  You may have thought you ran from me then
Benny, but you never really went that far away,
because you were and are always in my heart and
mind."  Ben was moved by his words and surprised at
how much his lover had grown in wisdom and
compassion.  "Thanks Ray.  I like being in here and
here.", each 'here' was followed by a kiss, first
to Ray's forehead and the next above his heart.

Ben's next words were hard, because he hadn't
talked about Diefenbaker in so long, but that
didn't mean he'd ever forgotten his loyal friend.
He rushed through this as fast as he could, "Ray, I
need to talk about Dief... I feel as if I let him
down.  I never even tried to give him a proper
burial.  I couldn't make myself go back there.  And
I'm sorry I told you that I thought you didn't like
him.  I know you did."  Ray gathered his lover into
his arms from behind.  "Don't worry.  Huey and I
found him.  I saw to it he was properly cared for."
Ray didn't go into detail about his searching every
alleyway from the consulate to Fraser's apartment
until he and Huey found the wolf.  The state of the
beloved wolf when he found it and knowing what had
transpired in that alleyway had made Ray retch then
and it was all he could do to continue with his sad
task.  He was thankful that Benny had never gone
back there, he never would again either.

Fraser was trembling at the thought of Ray having
been in that horrific place and then pieces of that
tragic day started to fill him again.  But then the
images were held at bay as Ben felt the arms around
him tighten, lips at his cheek, then soft words
spoken in his ear "Benny, its ok.  I know Dief
loved you and willingly died for you... I would
too."  Ben concentrated on the nearness of his
lover, turning in his embrace, placing his head on
Ray's chest and then a kiss there as he replied, "I
know.  Thanks for taking care of Dief for me.  I
miss him so much."

***************************************************

Ben had been called away for a special assignment
which interrupted his vacation plans.  He'd been
sent to find a couple of kids, that had gotten lost
while camping and hiking with their family.  Ben
had apologized profusely to Ray for leaving him,
but Ray understood the need for his friend's
excellent tracking skills and expert knowledge of
the Territories, which was so desperately needed
now.  Besides his being away worked out so he could
pick up the surprise he had in store for Ben.
Today he would be picking up a present for Ben and
also one for himself.  The packages should have
arrived yesterday at the small airport, in the
small town about an hour away which passed for
civilization.

As he drove Benny's all-terrain vehicle, he
couldn't help but miss the feel of his Riv.
Arriving at the airport before noon, he entered the
cargo hangar and his eyes lit up when he spotted
his beloved Buick Riviera parked in there.  He knew
that it probably wouldn't fare well here in the
Territories, especially during the worst of the
winter months, so he figured he'd keep it in the
barn during that time.  It was his prized
possession, whether or not he drove it much didn't
matter, he just wanted it here with him.  Having it
brought up was in a way a symbol of his commitment
to stay here with Benny.  "Hello sweetheart" he
said to the doted on car as he inspected it closely
from one end to the other.  He lovingly ran his
hand along its hood, "I missed you."  He opened the
door, sat inside with his eyes closed, as he turned
over the engine. "Oooh that's nice."  After
reuniting with his 'baby', he soon had the Riv
hooked to the tow of Benny's car.

He entered the airport cargo hangar again and
looked around for someone to help him find Benny's
gift.  He entered the office of the airport manager
and was greeted by a big friendly dog.  Smiling, he
patted the dog's head and said "Hello Lincoln.
You're gonna make a certain mountie very happy."
The dog had been shipped up here in a cage, but the
airport manager and the workers at the airport had
taken such a liking to the young playful dog, that
they let it roam free among them.  He signed the
necessary paperwork, let the airport workers say
good-bye to the dog and went back home with his 2
friends - a Riviera and a Lincoln - in tow, one
literally so.

***************************************************

It was quite lonely with Ben away, especially now
that it was night time.  He'd gotten spoiled by
having his lover all to himself for a little over a
week. Ben had only been gone since very early this
morning, but already he missed him.  He was going
to have to find himself a job up here soon, or he
was going to go stir crazy whenever Ben was
working.  While he was at the airport earlier, he
had inquired about finding work and picked up a
newspaper to help in that department.  He was glad
he at least had the frisky young dog to keep him
company and preoccupy him a little bit.  As he
milled around the house looking for something to
do, he wished that the satellite dish Fraser had
promised had been in place already, but it wasn't
going to be delivered until next week.

Poking through cabinets and drawers to amuse
himself, he came across Fraser's journals in a deep
side drawer of his desk.  Most of them looked quite
old and he'd seen Fraser reading a few of them
before, those were the one's from Fraser Sr.  There
were a couple of others bound together with a large
rubber-band which he hadn't seen before, these
looked different and newer than the others.
Debating with himself to read or not to read the
personal journals was driving him crazy.  The urge
to read them was overwhelming, but at the same time
he wanted to respect his friend's privacy.  That's
when he noticed a piece of paper, slipping out from
under the rubber-band and slightly folded over from
its position in the drawer, had his name on it.
Well it was his name, so it was just like an
invitation, right?  He removed the slip of paper
from its secure hold and found it was a note
addressed to him from Ben.

	Dear Ray,

	If you're reading this, then please stop.  Just
	kidding.  I know you're too curious for your 	
	own good sometimes, so I figured I'd save you 	
	the trouble of worrying about whether or not 	
	you could read my journals.  Please do.  I have
	no secrets from you.  Just remember that if you
	do read these, some of what I write is a  		
	wrestling with my personal demons.  Also know 	
	that whatever is said within these pages, 		
	overall I love you dearly and trust you 		
	implicitly with this part of myself.

	Love,

	Ben

Ray was still slightly hesitant to read the
journals, but the curiosity and desire to know more
about his lover had him opening the first one
before he really consciously allowed it.  Ben's
journals started with his first coming to Chicago
and ended with a more recent date around the time
he had come back to Chicago to bring Ray up north
with him.  Ray was afraid to read the entries
around the time of the rape, but wanted so much to
understand what his friend had gone through and
gain insight into how he might be able to help him
now.  Therefore he chose the journals covering that
timeframe, starting his reading from a week before
the rape and would try to read until the most
recent entry in the following journal. 

It had been over 6 months since the tragic incident
and about 3 weeks now since they reunited, but they
still hadn't been able to make love.  Oh, they
kissed and petted and teased, but it never left
that stage.  That one time they had really tried
to, Ben had to call it quits early on.  It was hard
for him to be around Benny without desiring or
being aroused by him, especially at night in bed
together - Ray was thankful that at least they
could still share a bed together - it was hard to
rein himself in, so as not to make Ben feel
uncomfortable with that aspect of their
relationship.  He knew his lover was being too hard
on himself for not being able to sexually please
him or himself.  Ben was still not ready, may never
be ready for all he knew.  But he loved him enough
to have come here, not expecting that they could go
right back to where they left off.  Content to know
that he was with him and a needed part of Ben's
life once again helped.  He hoped that the journals
would provide him with some answers and
enlightenment.

He was glad he chose to start with the week before
the tragedy, because it made for fun reading.  Ben
had commented on his happiness that Ray's schedule
was going back to normal and he'd be able to see
more of him again than just their early morning
trysts.  Like Ray he had enjoyed them, but wanted
to have more time together than just this.  There
were also some amusing anecdotes about his work at
the consulate and the people he'd helped on certain
days.  Then there were a few date entries skipped
over, marking the day of and the next 2 days
following the rape.  He was now entering the
dreaded parts of the journal, which would revolve
around the longlasting nightmare Ben and he were
trying to awaken from.

These next entries were so dark in tone as compared
to the previous ones, almost as if they were
written by someone else, but he knew otherwise.
The amount of pain, anger, disgust and self-
loathing in here almost forced him to stop reading
altogether, especially when he got to the parts
that spoke of his lover's entertaining suicidal
tendencies.  He shivered and the pages went
blurrily in and out of focus, when he came to a
section describing how close Ben came to actually
killing himself, just a few days after the rape,
only moments before Ray had come by that particular
day to visit with him.  The thought of his almost
entering Ben's apartment to find him dead shook him
to the core.

He didn't know how he had made it through that last
section and into this next one. These were the
pages where Ben talked about wanting to go 'home'.
That there was nothing for him in Chicago any more.
That he'd stayed too long and it had been a waste
of his time to think that he mattered to anyone or
made a difference here.  He felt he wasn't meant to
be around people, they only hurt or disappointed
him, therefore he wanted to be alone again.  There
was also some sarcastic commenting on asking
permission for a transfer back to the Territories.
He'd been granted the transfer, and he'd been
allowed to take 2 weeks off before starting active
duty again.  Determined to return to his native
Canada, there followed some debating with himself
about how he would tell Ray that he was leaving.
At first the words on the page seemed to care about
how it would be done, then switched gears abruptly
and coldly by deciding that a brief letter and
nothing more would suffice.  The pain of seeing all
this written here stabbed him through the heart.
He relived Fraser's rejection of him again, but
quickly forced himself not to wallow amidst these
old scars of his own and move on.

The date entries were spread out further once he
was back in the Territories.  But when he did
return to writing in here, the heavy overtones had
remained.  Vivid descriptions of the violence
assaulted on him and the feelings of fear,
helplessness and self-labeled cowardice it produced
caused Ray to take a couple of breaks from reading.
After his self-imposed breaks, he'd force himself
to return to where he left off.  This allowed him
to gather up his inner strength to bear what he was
invited now to share.  He felt sick to his stomach,
tears welling up in his eyes, with the agony of
being there now as a witness to Ben's rape.
Throughout this horrific part of the journal his
heart and mind were taking a beating, but still he
read on.

Later came parts here and there revolving around
Ben's insecurities and confusion in regards to his
relationship with Ray.  One moment he was writing
of his feelings of anger and betrayal towards Ray,
then in the next he was putting him on a pedestal
and not feeling worthy of him.  At length talking
about his feelings of jealousy at what he thought
was Ray's attentions to Louise, which he believed
set off the start of his living nightmare.  But
then he was talking about Ray's worry, gentleness
and kindness towards him after the rape.

The style of writing was so erratic at times, with
sentences and thoughts all of a sudden ending
abruptly or taking chaotic twists and turns.
Scattered throughout there were frighteningly dark,
moody poems, abstract doodlings and in some cases
grim artwork, such as the faces of the men who had
hurt Ben.  Ray recognized them as such, despite the
fact that after they were drawn they had been
scribbled over hastily and viciously with a pen.
He was astounded by his friend's artistic talent
and eye for detail when he came upon an excellently
drawn picture of a feral Diefenbaker, in an attack
stance, ready to leap off the page.

The entries after the first week and a half back in
the Territories, mentioned Ben's getting an
unexpected visitor.  It was Eric, the respected
Inuit shaman that was a friend of Ben's.  Ben spoke
of Eric's telling him he intuitively knew that
something was very wrong with him.  Eric was in
tune to so much around him, that he tracked the
source of the recent disharmony and imbalance he
sensed in the area to Ben's door.  He spoke to him
about his blackened spirit weighing Ben down,
smothering him.  He offered Ben his spiritual aid
to help cast out some, if not all, of the demons he
was facing.  At first Ben didn't feel that this
'hocus-pocus' was the answer.  Couldn't see it
working and politely turned down the offer.  In the
days that followed, the journal told of Ben's
playing with the idea that maybe Eric could help
him.  But he was afraid of sharing too much of
himself and what had happened with anyone else.  It
still embarassed him and made him feel ashamed,
that to talk about it with anyone would be
uncomfortable and frightening to him.

About 2 weeks after returning to the Territories,
Ben returned to active duty.  He was glad to be
working again where he wanted to be.  He threw
himself into his work to keep his mind occupied
with other things besides the personal hell he'd
been living in.  Ray noticed a change in Ben's
behavior towards those he worked with and those he
was there to help.  Where once he knew Ben didn't
like feeling like someone on the outside looking
in, now Ben preferred it that way, and often times
didn't even want to look in.  His words revealed a
Benny that had become very reclusive, cold and
snobbish.

About a month after his return to Canada, Ben had
spoken of his inability to sleep through the whole
night without waking in fear.  He was mentally and
physically exhausted and tired of living with his
sleeping and waking nightmares.  At about this time
the decision was made to seek out the Inuit man,
with the hope that trying Eric's way was better
than doing nothing about this.  Again he was
granted time off and went in search of Eric. 

The journal entries stopped here for a while.  They
resumed with Ben's return from finding the Inuit
man and living in the Inuit village for those
missing 2 months in the journal. Whatever Eric and
the Tschimmian people did for Ben, Ray felt he was
now forever in their debt.  Because the Ben who
wrote the next entries after that was no longer as
dark and erratic as before.  Ray was happy to see
that there were actually more and more glimpses to
his old Benny shining through here and there.

He was especially relieved and touched to see the
smiling portrait Ben had drawn of him a few days
later into the journal.  It had the tell-tale signs
of a slightly worn page, which indicated that it
had been turned to a number of times.  A lump
formed in his throat as he read the page opposite
it, which spoke of Ben missing him.  Regretting how
he'd left their relationship and afraid that all he
had left of him was his memories and the picture he
carried with him always in his mind and heart - the
one he'd drawn.  There was a moving love poem here
as well and such a sense of sadness at love lost.
Ray lovingly moved his hand over these written
pages, as if he could reach out to Ben on that day
and reassure him all was not lost.  Ray longed to
have been here then, regretted that he'd never
actually come up here on his own despite the fear
of further rejection.  He'd thought about it a
number of times and even came very close to jumping
a plane and going to him during their separation,
but never had the courage to actually do so.

The entries which followed gradually became
lighter, but still had a sense of sadness, but not
that deep depression he'd read before.  Ben had
returned to work now and this time felt truly ready
to be back there.  Ben began talking about wanting
to rebuild his father's destroyed cabin now.  He'd
been staying at one of the deserted and isolated
RCMP posts when he'd first come back, but now he
was ready to face this other painful part of his
life, wishing Ray was there to help him, but
believing that was not possible.

Ray found himself laughing at some of the entries
that concerned the rebuilding of the cabin.  At
times Ben would actually write as if he was talking
directly to him; asking him questions about what he
would and wouldn't like in this new house.  Ray
caught himself answering back to the pages at
certain points.  Suddenly there was a shift in the
tone of the journal again.  Ben was angry at
himself and some of the earlier self-loathing was
seeping back into his writing.

The reason for the change was made clear when Ben
spoke of receiving a letter from Lt Welsh.  The
letter apparently was a kind one, not wanting to
hurt him, but to let him know that they had found
the rapists, one of whom had died and the other two
sent for long term prison sentences at a maximum
security prison.  Ben was touched by hearing Welsh
telling him that Ray had been the one to connect
the men to Fraser's case and relayed to him what a
good friend he had in Ray, relating the incident at
the precinct when he'd gone after the men with a
vengeance.  Ray stored it in the back of his mind
that he'd have to thank his ex-boss some day for
being the one to break the news to Fraser and for
the words on his behalf.

However the letter stirred some dark thoughts
again.  Ben berated himself for being a coward and
not doing something to ensure his tormentors had
seen justice.  He took the death of their last
victim hard, taking the blame for it on himself.
Believing that he could have prevented it, by
finding the criminals himself and bringing them to
justice, even if it meant coming forward publicly
to try them for his rape and in so doing reveal his
homosexual relationship to Ray.  They'd tormented
him by letting him know they'd been watching him
for a while and studying his habits before planning
the attack.  He still wasn't sure if his rapists
really knew or had just taken a guess when they
taunted him with their apparent knowledge about Ray
and himself.  The guilt and empathy over the last
victim's death was something Fraser was going to
have come to terms with.  Ray would be there to
help him should this topic ever come up between
them in the future.  He had always planned to tell
Fraser about this at some point, Welsh just helped
by making it easier for Ray to broach the subject.

After 'the letter', the journal went back to his
rebuilding the cabin.  There was a debate going on,
somewhere between the time Ben finished putting in
the indoor water and the generator, to whether or
not Ray would want him back and come live with him
due north, if he went to Chicago when the cabin was
presentable and asked.  He was afraid of Ray's
rejection, but felt he would be justified if he
never wanted to see or talk to him again, he just
had to know if there was still a chance that they
could be together again.  Reading this part Ray was
happy with the decision he'd made to join Ben here
and share his life.

Finally he reached the end of the last journal,
staying up all night to do so, he was tired and
ready for sleep.  He closed then hugged the journal
close to his chest, placing it on top of a stack
he'd put down on the part of the bed Ben slept on.
Laying down next to the small stack, he reached out
a hand to place on the top cover whispering "Good
night Benny.", falling asleep in minutes. 

When he awoke he thought he was still in a dream,
because the stack of journals he had his hand on
before had somehow turned into his actual lover,
lying down beside him asleep.  He was still in his
uniform and must have just crashed there when he
got home.  Ray moved in closer to him and started
to fall back asleep, when he felt arms going around
him and a kiss on his head as a sleepy voice said
"Hello Ray.  Who's our house guest?  Were you
making friends while I was away?"  That's when Ray
noticed Lincoln was at Ben's side, with his snout
on the bed, breathing on Ben's hip, looking at them
both with soulful pay-attention-to-me eyes.  He
introduced the young dog to his new master.
"Lincoln this is Benny.  Benny meet Lincoln.  He's
one of Dief's sons.  Listens just as well too, so
I'm sure of his parentage.  I got him for you.  And
before you ask, no I didn't dognap him from Jackie
Alexander.  She gave him to me voluntarily when I
told her I wanted to buy him from her for you."
Ben's face went through a few different phases
instantly, from surprise, to pleasure, to touched
by such a thoughtful gift. He reached out to pet
the dog who was part wolf and Diefenbaker.
"Welcome Lincoln.  You're as beautiful as your
father."  Turning to his considerate bedmate now,
"Thank you very kindly Ray.", then kissed him
thoroughly.

When they pulled away, Ray asked after the kids
that were lost.  Ben was smiling and told him that
he successfully found them alive and as well as can
be expected for being lost and scared in the
wilderness.  "They were hungry enough to eat bugs
and fuzzy nightcrawlers."  Ray's nose scrunched up
and he shuddered in disgusted recollection. "Yuk!
You didn't feed those poor kids that did you?  I
could swear I felt those things crawling around
inside me for days."  Ben laughed at the desired
reaction he'd gotten, "No, I had enough food in my
pack for them.  But I guess that means you don't
want a snack?  I brought *you* back some."  Ray
liked that giggle of Ben's and playfully pulled
away from him pretending offense. "I'll sic my
mother on you if you don't feed me better than
that."  They were both laughing now.  "I'm glad
your back.  I wanted to thank-you."  "For what?"
"For being you and loving me enough to let me in to
see you better."  A puzzled Fraser responded,
"Hmm?"  Ray looked at him seriously now. "You
probably noticed.  Actually I know you noticed I
had your journals."  Ben gazed back at him worried
what his lover's reactions to them - and hence
himself - would be. "Yes I did.  Did you read them
all?"  Ray didn't break eye contact. "I read
everything from a week before the rape until now.
I love you so much.  I wanted to understand what
you went through; see how I could help you."  Ben
pulled him close and choked out, "You just did."

***************************************************

Ray started his temporary security job at the
airport tommorrow, so they wanted to finish up
building the bathroom for the cabin today.  They'd
been working on it these last 2 weeks, just needing
to put some finishing touches to the fixtures and
tiling now.  The room was a little more fancy than
he would have chosen for himself, he was used to
the outhouse out back afterall, so anything after
that was fancy.  As promised he had let Ray pick
out the fixtures for the room and he liked the
choices made for a tub with enclosed shower, sink
and mirror, the works.

Ray had removed his shirt a short time ago, when he
started working up a sweat when putting in the
shower door.  That was about the time when Fraser's
attention to his own work started wavering.  After
that task of Ray's was done, he was on his knees
back turned to Ben as he leaned over the tub edge
to work inside it, half-in and half-out.  He was
wearing those tight jeans again and Fraser's eyes
kept drifting over, distracted from his own job
across the room, to gaze at the firm butt, as Ray
unknowingly teased him as he periodically stretched
and rhythmically rocked back and forth while in
this position in the tub.

He was thinking how good it would taste and feel to
lick that back, when he felt a building sensation
in his groin.  Watching Ray at work like this was
really turning him on.  "Ahh Ray?"  "Mmmm."  "Could
you help me with something?"  "Sure Fraser. Just
one screw and I'll be there."  "Ray are you talking
dirty to me again?" he teased.  "Benny I'm shocked.
But if that's how you interpreted it.  I won't deny
it."  He was standing in front of him now, so
temptingly close.  "What can I help you with
Benny?"  Concern etched Ray's features now when he
saw the slightly flushed look on Ben's face, "Hey
you ok?  You look feverish."  He placed his hand on
Ben's forehead.  Ben placed his hand on top of the
one on his head and slowly guided it palm down
along the front of his own jeans. "As you can see
its a different kind of fever Ray.  I have a
project for you.  Are you interested?"  Ray's
wicked smile came out at the sound of his lover's
suggestion and then the moan as his hand continued
to move teasingly over Ben's straining bulge. "Is
that a hammer in your pocket or are you just glad
to see me?"  Ben wanted all of Ray so desperately
at that moment, that in a sultry voice he spoke, "I
think the shower needs to be tested Ray."  Ray was
already working at Ben's shirt buttons. "I agree.
Its got to be tested some time Benny.  Now is as
good a time as any."  Both now nude, they made
their way to the new shower and laughed at the very
slow light trickle of water that was coming out of
the showerhead.  "Looks like the pressure isn't
quite ready yet.  But the pressure inside me feels
ready to burst."  As they caressed, groped, licked,
nibbled, sucked at each other with increasing
passion, the pressure increased and they were both
soon feeling warm wet refreshing bursts.  When at
last their lovemaking left them fully content but
spent, Ben smiled happily into his lover's eyes.
"I think the shower needs to be tested regularly
from now on Ray.  You never know when that pressure
is going to act up again."  THE END

WASH ME CLEAN
By KD Lang from the album 'Engenue'

"You swim, swim through my veins.
Drown me in you(r) Ray.

My desire carries no shame.
My will will harbor no pain.

WASH, WASH ME CLEAN.
MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS.
CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS.

Swim, swim through my veins.
Drown me in you(r) Ray.

WASH, WASH ME CLEAN.
MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS.
CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS.

Drink, drink from my spell.
Quench love's drying well.

WASH, WASH ME CLEAN.
MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS.
CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS."

THE END