Well here it is, my first ever piece of fanfic. Thanks to everyone
who encouraged me to post it and thanks to the panel for the comments/rating.
Its not that long and its all the fault of dsouth-l that I had the idea
in the first place.

All e-mails will be worshipped so be gentle. My inbox still has a few
flying otters living in it!

This is rated PG for some violence and maybe implied sex.

Hope you enjoy!

Natasha (Basha)

Basha_Forret@msn.com

What Have I Done?

What have I done? I have destroyed the very thing that kept me whole.
I see him lying there in a pool of blood and all I know is that I did
this. It seemed so right, the only way. But now? Oh my god ! What have
I done? 

It started so long ago you would think I could forget, but I can't. How
could I? Every night I would feel the touch of his hands brushing the
hair from my face, see those blue eyes studying me with a soul laid bare.
Into the dark hole that was my life he came and brought a light that
was so pure and good and right that it was blinding. When he found me
I was so scared of what might happen but instead of hurting me he took
me into his arms. We talked for what seemed an eternity keeping each
other alive. Then he started to slip away and I could not let that wonderful
life go. It was so hard to utter the words but I could not, would not
let him go. Then it was his turn. The cold was so great, even greater
than the ice of my soul. He took my hand and put the fingers in his mouth
and the warmth spread throughout my body and there was hope. After the
storm passed the only thought either of us had was to survive, I gave
no thought to the future. When we made it to the village neither of us
wanted it to end. So we spent the night in each others arms, our souls
joined and complete.

I should have known then that it was too good to be true. To think that
suddenly, because of one man, my life would become so much better. He
wouldn't let me go.

As much as I hated him for that I also loved him. Always honourable.
Even then I thought it would be ok. I hadn't counted on that judge. Despite
the evidence I gave against Jolly they still gave me ten years. Ten years!
My life destroyed and I blamed him. Ten years is along time for the bitterness
to grow and spread. But when it came down to it all I wanted was him.
After I was released I thought of going to him but then all those doubts
resurfaced. How could I be sure he loved me? When my sister died I had
the chance. I'd make sure that he had no choice but to come with me whether
he loved me or not. It was so hard to carry out the plan. Once we spent
the night together in his apartment I almost forgot about everything
but him. Just being next to him again was enough. To be able to smell
him, taste him, see him. Then the doubts came back. He was still the
same man that had betrayed me. How could I be sure?

Well now I am sure. He was coming with me. He would have come with me
in the beginning if I had only asked. It's all too late and all for nothing
now. I should be with him! I should hold him in my arms as he dies but
I can't. How can I face those eyes with my guilt. So I stay on the train,
but for what? My life is with the dying man lying on the ground with
the falling snow covering him.

A fool. I have been such a fool.
My god, Ben. What have I done?
I love you Ben.
What have I done?

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That's it. What do you think?

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