WHEN WILL THOSE DARK CLOUDS DISAPPEAR?

Friend, lover, wife... how those last two happened still
amazed her.  She'd known Ray since they were kids in the
neighborhood; had hung out on occassion with his sisters
Maria and Francesca; and had been a close friend of Irene
Zuko since as far back as she could remember.  Irene...
that's where her history with Ray really stemmed back to and
how she wound up where she did - married as Angela Sophia
Vecchio and divorced back to Angela Sophia Testarosa.
Seeing Ray at the garage today brought back some bittersweet
memories along with an overwhelming desire to rummage
through the attic.  She still loved him, probably always
would, but thought she could never be the one he really
wanted.  She figured she'd always be... second best.

Angie sorted through an old cardboard box full of memories
that were treasures to perhaps no one but herself; special
markers of certain moments in her life.  Pulling out a worn
out strip of pictures she smiled to herself remembering.  It
was taken at a carnival Irene, Ray and herself had gone to,
around Ray and Irene's fourth date.  Irene had known Angie
wanted to go to the carnival, and had wanted her there too,
insisting she join herself and Ray.  They had a ball that
night, he'd won them both stuffed animals at the target
shoot and as a joke she'd won him one too.  The picture was
taken in one of those cramped do-it-yourself photo booths
and they'd done the typical silly picture poses.  She'd
always loved these pictures of childhood fun and innocence.

She recalled now when it was she realized she started to
fall for Ray.  They'd just entered gym class and she'd been
rudely bumped into by Tony Scarpaci causing her to stumble
and almost fall.  A strong hand caught her and an arm went
around her waist to steady her.  "Whoa.  You ok?"  She had
managed a smile as she gained her balance again.  "Yeah.
Thanks."  Then her protector was taking off after Tony as if
he had a mission.  She saw him purposely bump into Tony hard
enough he probably left a bruise.  "Tony didn't you see
Angie there?  Ya almost knocked her over man.  Apologize to
her."  Tony looked angrily over at him, then at Angie.
"Vecchio what's it to you?  She was in my way."  Ray didn't
back down.  "You're a neanderthal Tony.  In case you hadn't
noticed she's a girl.  You should treat her better than
that."  Tony laughed. "Oh come on Ray.  Its Angie for
chrissake.  She's like one of the guys."  That last part
kind of hurt, but kind of didn't.  She'd always been a
tomboy.  Growing up as the only girl in her family with 4
brothers had its advantages and disadvantages with the guys
around her age.  But at 14 she was starting to be interested
in boys for other reasons now than to just play basketball or go
fishing with.  Maybe a year ago that was fine, but now
things were changing; she was changing.  She was glad Ray
noticed the difference and liked his attention.

It surprised her when Ray finally convinced Tony to come
over to her.  It was kind of awkward, but she appreciated
the consideration.  He said it in a voice that was half-
sincere, but it was better than nothing she supposed.
"Vecchio seems to think I owe you an apology.  So here it
is.  Sorry."  She responded friendly and teasing.  "Thanks.
Tony you're as graceful and as eloquent as ever.  I'm just
gonna have to kick your butt at basketball today to
retaliate."  They laughed and he left her then, glaring over
at Ray.

Class was starting and her friend Irene - who'd just come
back into town recently from an all girls boarding school in
Switzerland - was signalling her to come stand next to her.
They'd been close friends since elementary school, before
Irene and Angie's families moved to this neighborhood.
"What was all that about Ange?"  Angie smiled smugly.  "Just
2 guys fighting over me."  Irene smiled back.  "That skinny
dark haired guy sure is cute.  You got an eye on him Ange?
I saw the way you were checkin' him out."  Angie
uncomfortable with this line of questioning blushed. "Naw.
Not interested", she lied to herself and her friend.  Irene
looked pleased and relieved at that.  "Oh good, then we can
change places.  I want to be his dance partner."  Angie
noticed that Irene was right, the way the line was set up
Ray was going to be the one Angie ended up with.  *Damn,
that'll mean I'm stuck with Dougie O'Donell.* she thought to
herself, but she'd already stupidly admitted to her best
friend that she wasn't interested in Ray and felt obliged to
step out of the way.  "Sure Irene."  When she noticed the
set up again, she realized that the guys line had shifted
and Irene was actually going to be matched with Tommy
Fortuna, that pleased her until she noticed Ray whisper
something to Tommy and the line shifted again so he'd be
Irene's partner again.

Mistake number one was made that day.  Angie often wondered
what would have happened if she hadn't given up her dance
with Ray to Irene.  Would Ray and Irene still have gotten
together if they hadn't been partnered up to dance?  Would
Ray have felt the way he did for Irene after that dance
towards herself instead?  This line of questioning always
drove her crazy and she hated thinking about it.

********************************

There was a shoebox full of short and some long notes she'd
saved which had been passed to her from Irene in their
classes over the years.  She only kept some of them.
Reading through a few of them now she couldn't help but
laugh at how young and naive they sounded to an adult.  The
troubles of their youth had seemed so big and every little
thing was a major crisis and reflecting on it now most of it
was so inconsequential compared to the worries that found
them in adulthood.

Angie, as Irene's friend and confidante, was privy to all
sorts of secrets and confidences in these notes about Irene
and Ray's relationship after that fateful day in gym class.
In the time after that she'd become a good friend to Ray as
well.  She was surprised that she had forgotten that there
were a couple of notes from Ray to her in this shoebox too.
They were really funny and good naturedly teasing; sometimes
asking if she wanted to make a bet on some basketball game
or another or commentary about it, but a few of the notes
were warnings done WANTED poster style about some guy or
another Irene felt compelled to matchmake Angie up with so
she could double date with them.  Sometimes match-making her
up to some friend of Ray's.  Angie would give these dates of
her's a rating afterwards and a nickname to the amusement of
her friends.  Angie adored her two friends and they enjoyed
hanging out together, but there were always those times when
she felt like a third wheel, when friendship would take a
backseat to Irene and Ray's romance.  Oh they were
considerate and polite towards her at those times, but she
could take a hint well and knew when it was time for her to
step out of the picture.

When Irene's brother Frankie and Ray had a falling out over
what happened to poor Marco Matrani, Angie had been terribly
worried about Irene.  The incident had really hurt Ray and
Irene's relationship, not that they didn't still love each
other, but their love was definitely being put to a test.
They tried to continue dating, but Frankie made it hard for
them.  Shortly after the incident they split up and Angie
was the one Irene turned to for a shoulder to cry on.  After
a while she was also the one that Ray would seek out to ask
after Irene.  He still loved her and she could tell he was
miserable too.  Somehow it gradually came to be that she was
the go-between, sending messages back and forth from one of
them to the other, until eventually they were seeing each
other again, but this time secretly.  Often times Angie
would have to cover for Irene when she'd tell her parents
she was with Angie when she was actually out with Ray.  It
was a strange position to be in, but she endured it for the
sake of her two closest friends.

The relationship between Ray and Irene was tested yet again,
when they were all around eighteen.  Frankie had been
pressuring Irene to date a friend of his, who was the son of
one of Zuko senior's more powerful 'business' associates.
Irene didn't really want to get involved with the guy, but
didn't know how to back out of the first arranged date,
seeing as to everyone other than Angie and Ray she wasn't
dating anyone anyway.  Irene held off as long as she could,
but finally the date with the guy happened.  With the first
date she was forced into other situations that ended up
where she was trapped into another date with him.  He'd
really taken to her, but Irene wasn't that crazy about him.
Irene had really damaged her relationship to Ray by the time
the third date came about.  It caused a major fight between
the two lovers and succeeded in splitting them up again when
Ray had given her an ultimatum:  It was either him or her
family.  He forced her to choose and in Irene's fear of her
family she chose them over the man she loved.

********************************

A book of poetry Irene had given her as part of a wedding
thank-you gift with a couple of old pressed flowers in it,
came out of the box now.  The book had a touching dedication
to her written by Irene and was followed by page numbers
Irene had wanted her to see.  At these pages Irene had
highlighted lines in the poems which dealt with friendship.
Thinking about her recently deceased friend made the words
in the book blur in and out of focus, until she finally made
herself stop reading and close the book, wiping at teary
eyes she put it down.  The pressed flowers from her maid-of-
honor's bouquet reminded her of mistake number two, which
happened the day of Irene's wedding to the man Angie
sarcastically named "the weasel".  

Poor Irene had been roped into a pretty much arranged
marriage that pleased everyone in her family - especially
Irene's father and Frankie - except the bride-to-be.  Angie
as Irene's maid-of-honor did her duty by trying to cheer up
the depressed bride.  She'd taken Irene out for a wild night
before the wedding.  They'd gone out on the town and gotten
drunk, suffering with the hangovers the day of the wedding.
While driving around the night before, Angie had joked with
an edge of seriousness, by every now and again singing to
Irene parts of the song 'ROUTE 66' - "TAKE THE HIGHWAY,
THAT'S MY WAY, THAT'S THE BEST.  GET YOUR KICKS ON ROUTE
66." -  They'd had to take this highway to go to one of the
clubs she'd heard about outside of the city.  Angie offered
to keep driving along this 2000 mile stretch of highway -
which started in Chicago and ended in LA - until they were
out of state and far from Irene's family.  Unfortunately
Irene didn't take the advice of herself and the song,
instead ending up going the wrong way; married to someone
she really didn't love, for political 'family business'
reasons that were beyond her.  At the wedding reception
Angie had had a few drinks that made her feel kind of funny
so she excused herself early.  That's when she ran into a
depressed Ray, who had been hanging out in the bar of the
hotel the reception was in.

He was trying to drink away his sorrow at losing Irene to
another man.  Angie hadn't seen him in a long time, knowing
he'd gone to the Police Academy for a while and had become a
cop... a rookie.  Irene used to tease her about how much
alike Angie and Ray were.  Besides them both being close to
Irene; being the eldest children in their Italian-American
families; always joking around and sarcastic; good target
shooters and having a love of basketball and sports; wanting
to be a cop was something else they had in common.  Angie's
parents didn't know it yet, but she had decided to quit with
just her associates degree in college to accept enrollment,
which she'd recently applied for, in the Police Academy.  It
had always been a dream of her's to be a police officer.
She and Ray had talked about it a few times and he'd been
one of the only one's of her friends and family to actually
encourage and support her desire to do so.

Seeing him again, there at the bar, she found herself still
attracted to him since that day in gym class.  She'd always
tried, and thought she'd succeeded, to keep this knowledge
buried, never acting on it out of respect and love for
Irene, but now was a different story.  Irene had made her
choice and cast him away for the man in the other room, her
new husband.  That meant Ray was fair game now she figured
in her half fuzzy state of mind.  She crossed the bar and
sat on the stool next to him.  "Hi Ray. You don't deserve to
be treated like this.  Why're you torturing yourself by
stickin' 'round here?"  Ray turned sad expressive eyes to
her, which she could feel piercing her heart, so that she
just wanted to hold him and make things alright again.  "My
life's over Ange.  I can't believe it.  If I hadn't come
here today, I wouldn't have believed it.  She really married
him didn't she?  It should be me in there.  How'd it happen?
Oh god it hurts so much."  The eyes were what always did it
to her.  Those eyes that could say so much without saying a
word.  Right now he was looking to her as an anchor for one
so lost; so forlorn; so adrift.

Her heart went out to him and she joined him in his misery
at Irene's folly, trying to comfort him as best she could.
A couple of hours and drinks later she found herself
comforting him in a way she never would have thought
possible for the two of them.  She recalled thinking back
then  *Irene had her chance and blew it.  This is my turn to
dance.  I'm not gonna stand aside again.*  Instead of Ray
having Irene on her wedding night he had Angie.  He became
her lover then and it felt so right to her; she wanted him
so badly and finally admitted to herself she loved him.  If
only she could believe that he could ever love her the way
he loved Irene in return; that night she thought he could.

********************************

Next to come out of the cardboard box was an old velvet
jewelry box, which was empty when she opened it.  She knew
it would be, the ring that had once been in here was long
gone, but she felt compelled to open anyway.  Seeing the
ghost of the ring there in her mind's eye, she tried to
recapture the moment she'd opened it for the first time.
Mistake number three happened when she fooled herself into
thinking he was wholly her's now, after that night they'd
made passionate love to one another.

They'd seen each other off and on after that, more off than
on.  His job as a police rookie had him working odd-ball
hours and her wrapping up her semester at college in
anticipation of her enrollment in the Police Academy in the
fall had her busy as well.  This new stage of their
relationship was strained already and hadn't really gotten
too far off the ground yet, but she believed it could work
if they just found the time to make it happen.  It wasn't
too much later that she found out that she was pregnant with
Ray's child.  She was worried, frightened and confused.
Afraid of what Ray's reaction would be to this news, she
kept it to herself for a while, but knew she'd have to tell
him soon.

She was a little over two months pregnant and decided that
Ray should be told.  He'd had a day off and come by the
house to take her out.  On the ride over to a restaurant
she'd asked him to take a detour to the park, because she
needed to talk to him somewhere private and quiet.  He'd
done as she wished, but looked worried and concerned the
whole time and then parked.  "What's wrong Angie?  Are you
gonna dump me?"  She was startled by this and said sadly,
but reassuringly.  "Oh no, no.  But you may want to dump me
when you hear what I have to say."  He took her hand in his,
staring her straight in the eyes as he brushed his other
hand lightly down her cheek.  "Talk to me Angie.  I know I
can be hard to talk to sometimes, but I'm here now and I'm
listening."  Her eyes started to get watery and she managed
to choke out. "I'm pregnant Ray.  Over two months now."  The
reaction she'd gotten was of stunned silence and surprised
eyes, before he could say anything, she was rushing out the
words, "I've considered abortion, but I don't..."  Ray's
face took on another look, this one of fear and he wouldn't
let her finish. "Oh god no.  Please no.  I want our child
Angie and I want you.  You and the kid'll have to live off
my rookie's salary; I can barely afford a place for us;
it'll be tight, but I'd rather take on extra hours or an
extra job, than lose either of you.  Angie, I love you.
Marry me."

It was her turn to be stunned, she hadn't really expected
him to offer her a marriage proposal, actually she wasn't
sure what she expected.  She was overwhelmed by his touching
acceptance of this child, the lifestyle changes for them
both and his telling her he loved *her*.  She didn't respond
to him right away and the worried pleading look he was
giving her let her know he was sincere and this proposal was
for real.  "I'll get down on my knees if you want me to, but
its kind of hard in this car.  Will you marry me Ange?
Please say yes.  I want to share my life with you and I want
to be there as a father to my children."  She smiled at him
then and laughed. "Yes I'll marry you Ray.  But there's a
few things we have to work out before then.  Like I haven't
had the first one yet...  What's this 'children' talk?"  The
smile he gave her at this response was the most beautiful
she'd ever seen before.  "Oh come on Ange, you wouldn't deny
junior a sibling or two or three or four, would ya?  We
don't want the kid gettin' lonely.  And just think of all
the fun we'll have makin' them."  She was laughing with him
and soon was wrapped in the loving warmth of his arms, with
his mouth enthusiastically working at her's.  She shuddered
pleasurably at the feel of one of his hands on her back
sliding slowly down, then tugging at and freeing the tail of
her blouse, teasingly now it was underneath her clothing,
working its way towards the front of her, finally stopping
at her stomach to rest its warmth there, trapped between the
waist band of her pants and her flesh.

She hadn't seen much of Irene since her marriage to 'the
weasel', although they had spoken on the phone at least once
a week or every other week since then.  She had mentioned to
Irene that she was seeing someone, but didn't say who it
was.  Now that she was engaged to be married to Ray, she
felt she really needed to see Irene and tell her before she
heard it through someone else.  She wasn't going to tell her
about the baby, just that Ray and she were engaged to be
married.  She'd see how it went from there and if it went
well then she'd consider telling her about the baby too.

They had met at a favorite restaurant and the visit began
pleasantly enough as they caught each other up on friends
and family gossip.  Then Irene talked about her unhappy
marriage and that she still had a hard time believing she
married the guy and would have liked to divorce him, but now
she was pregnant and was really trapped by her stupidity.
When she had told Angie that she started to cry.  "Oh Angie,
I've really made a mess of things.  Why couldn't I stand up
to my family and choose Ray?  He's the one I want to be
married to and having children with.  I'm such a coward.
I'm so stupid.  Ray must hate me for what I've done."  Angie
felt terrible and was afraid now to tell her depressed
friend anything more to hurt her.  How could she say to her
that the man Irene wanted was now Angie's and was the father
of the child growing within her?  She felt like a traitor at
having the life Irene wanted and being the happiest she
could ever remember while her friend was at her most
miserable.

She tried to console her friend as best she could with
soothing words and comforting touches and looks.  After a
little while Irene had regained her composure and forced a
smile. "Angie, I don't know what I'd do without you.  You're
such a good friend.  Here I am blubbering away and we came
here so you could tell me something important.  Its
something to do with that boyfriend of your's isn't it?
Come on tell me.  I need to hear something good is happening
in this world.  It'll cheer me up."  Angie was debating with
herself what and how much to share with Irene of the truth.
She took a quick breath and then began.  "Well it does
involve my boyfriend.  We're engaged to be married within
two months."  At that an excited Irene grabbed Angie's hand,
"I thought so.", she smiled smugly as she examined and
admired the engagement ring on Angie's finger.  "I'm so
happy for you.  When do I get to meet this mystery man of
your's?  You know you never even told me his name.  I
thought it was because he might have been married or
something and you were protecting him.  But fess up, is it
anyone I know?"   Angie was relieved when the waiter came by
with their orders and she changed the topic expertly to
distract Irene from her line of questioning.  

Angie managed to work the conversation back to Irene's life
instead of her own.  Asking questions about Irene's
impending motherhood, which was a topic that her friend was
very willing to talk about.  Irene had always told her that
she wanted children, a big family, and although she didn't
really love the father of the child within her, she loved
the baby already.  Angie was secretly pleased that Irene and
she were going through pregnancy around the same time, she
hoped Irene would remain her friend even when she found out
about herself and Ray.  She also wished that their children
could be friends.  She managed to make it through lunch
telling Irene only as much as she felt she could handle
right then, nothing more as to Ray and their baby.

She promised herself she'd tell Irene the rest of the story
when she called her next.  But the next day the phone call
came from Irene and she didn't sound happy at all.  "Angie,
I thought you were my friend?  What's this I hear about you
and Ray?  How long has this been going on?  I can't believe
you could do this to me."  Angie felt terrible for not
having told her friend before she could hear it from someone
else.  "Irene, I wanted to tell you.  I tried to tell you,
but you were so depressed yesterday at lunch.  And hey don't
get high and mighty with me Irene Zuko 'Terranova' you're
forgettin' somethin' very important here.  You're the one
who threw Ray away and married 'the weasel'.  I'm sorry, but
we do love each other Irene and we're going to have a baby."
She could hear a sobbing Irene on the other end of the
phone, then the line went dead.  Ray chose that moment to
come over and saw her crying, immediately his arms went
around her from behind.  "Mi cuore, what's wrong?"  She
lied, not wanting to mention Irene to him.  "Nothin'.  Just
some annoying pregnancy hormones kickin' in.  I'll be ok in
a minute." and she turned into his embrace for comfort as
she cried on his shoulder for the loss of a dear friend.

********************************

There was an addressed wedding invitation still sealed with
a stamp on it sitting inside the cardboard box.  This was
one she'd made out to Irene, never intending to send it, but
it made her feel better to have one.  She'd wished Irene
would have been her matron-of-honor but Maria, Ray's sister,
substituted for her in that position instead.  Her gown had
been refitted the week before the wedding to accomodate the
slight bulge that was showing her pregnancy which was at 4
months now.

They'd had some trouble with almost every aspect of putting
their wedding together, but both her family and Ray's had
been supportive and helped share some of the stress and
pressure of getting this organized on short notice.  Angie
recalled how surprised she was at both of their family's
reactions to and acceptances of them getting married and her
pregnancy.  It didn't seem to surprise anyone, many saying
that they felt it was meant to be and surprised it didn't
happen sooner.  They all knew that she and Ray had been good
friend's most of their lives, and seemed to think they were
well matched to each other.  Everyone they knew seemed
genuinely happy for them... well everyone except Irene.

The actual wedding day itself went off without a hitch
thanks to the sincere and helpful efforts of their friends
and family, who wanted to make this day special for them.
Their marriage ceremony and reception was a smaller affair
than what she had envisioned it might have been if they
hadn't rushed it.  Definitely much less upscale than Irene's
had been, but it had something Irene's never had despite its
lavish trappings... Angie would always remember that their's
had a genuine warmth and loving atmosphere to it.

Angie's parents had given them as a wedding present a
honeymoon in Niagara Falls, Ontario Canada.  After their
divorce Angie still saw Maria and Francesca on occassion,
both had told her about Ray's 'famous' mountie friend Fraser
and today she'd gotten to see him for herself.  She chuckled
to herself, remembering Ray's reaction to a mountie they'd
seen when they'd been on their honeymoon.  He'd laughed as
he told her. "They ever make me wear a uniform like that in
the PD, shoot me Ange."  She teased him. 'Oh I don't know
Ray.  I think its kind of sexy.  I bet you'd look handsome
in a uniform like that, but then again red probably isn't
your color.  Hmmm... do they come in green?"  He'd joked
back.  "Sexy hunh?  Do you think he'd let me borrow it for
the night?"  She had a devilish gleam in her eye. "Oh I
don't think you'll be needing a uniform for what I've got in
mind."  He smiled back liking what he was hearing.  "Why
Mrs. Vecchio I do believe you're tryin' to seduce me.  Do
you think your husband would mind?"  "I don't know.  Why
don't you ask him." and she pointed over to the mountie,
"He's right over there.  Oh sorry, I mean right here." she
moved her hand to point to him now, following it with a
passionate kiss which he returned in kind.

********************************

The most painful memory came out of the box now.  It was the
hospital birth announcement for a beautiful baby girl named
Theressa Ann Vecchio, with her birth statistics and small
ink footprints on it.  Angie held the paper tight against
her chest, closing her eyes and wishing the paper would
miraculously turn into the little girl she had once held in
her arms.

Her pregnancy had been a difficult one near the end.
Everyone had been so good to her then.  Maria who had gone
through this just a year before was full of advice, helpful
tips and she also shared funny stories about Tony and Ray's
behavior during her pregnancy and labor.  Angie barely got
to see as much of Ray as she would have liked, because he
had taken on additional work hours to help pay their bills.
To make up for it he'd call her several times a day.  She'd
found out from Francesca, who had been visiting with her one
day, that he'd been driving them all crazy by constantly
calling his family and her's charging them with helping
check on her too, so that she wouldn't be alone.  She
remembered fondly the day he'd taken off to help fix up the
nursery with her.  They had a ball joking around as they
decorated the room and he doted on her, making her fall in
love with him all over again.

Angie shivered now as she remembered the fear and pain that
gripped her suddenly while walking home from her part-time
job at Tre Amici's Bakery around the block from their
apartment.  She was eight months pregnant and something felt
terribly wrong, getting gradually worse with every step she
took.  The stoop of the apartment was in view and she forced
herself to keep walking, each step causing her more pain
until she collapsed at the foot of the few steps to the main
door.  A couple of her neighbors saw her distress and were
there immediately helping her inside to her apartment where
they called for an ambulance and Ray, who had been out of
the office.  She remembered being terrified that she was
going to lose the baby and no amount of soothing words from
her neighbors would console her.  She just wanted Ray to be
there with her and for the pain and fear to go away.

She remembered hearing his angry scared voice yelling at
some hospital beauracrat that he needed to see her.  He'd
used some colorful language and sarcasm to get his point
across which made her smile briefly through her pain.  They
were about to wheel her into an operating room, but right
before the door could open she saw his worried eyes and felt
his gentle hand on her's.  She was thrilled that he'd
somehow managed to reach her, forcing the gurney to slow for
a few seconds.  "Angie, I'm here sweetheart.  I'm here.  Its
gonna be ok."  His kiss was too brief as they pushed her
away from him and into the unknown.

When she awoke in a hospital room after having an emergency
ceasarean she was disoriented and afraid.  It didn't last
long when she realized he was there with her holding her
hand and she could see his face.  He looked like hell,
exhausted dark circles around his eyes, slightly dishevelled
and needed a shave, but the broad smile and the excited
gleam in his eyes made him the most handsome vision to wake
up to in her eyes.  "Glad you finally decided to wake up and
join the rest of the family.  I've just been visiting with
the latest member who can't wait to meet you.  We have a
sweet little girl Ange and she's as beautiful as her
mother."  Silent tears of relief and joy slid down her cheek
as he kissed her thoroughly and whispered in her ear. "I
love you Angie."  Later that day she saw that he was right,
when their small, premature, but healthy bundle of a
daughter was nestled peacefully within her arms.

Their being tired overworked new parents and not quite
financially stable, didn't stop them from being the happiest
she could ever remember.  They adored the latest addition to
their family and Ray tried to have steadier hours to be home
as much as possible so he could enjoy his new daughter.
Theressa was only two months old when already Ray was
bugging Angie about having the next one.  She knew he really
wanted a big family, but she still hadn't given up on her
dream of having a career as a cop yet.  Having more kids
meant that dream would be put on hold again, possibly
indefinitely.  She would have to have a serious talk with
him soon about it, but not right away when they were
enjoying their new roles as mother and father to little
Theressa.

********************************

Inside Angie's box of treasures there was a beautiful white
christening outfit that had once belonged to Theressa.  She
could barely bring herself to touch it out of strong emotion
and reverence.  Finally getting up enough nerve, she held it
in her hands lifting it slowly to her face.  Although the
outfit had been cleaned years ago, she breathed in the scent
of it, imagining she could still smell the sweet innocence
that was once her daughter.  This part of her memories
haunted her the most and brought with it the end of her and
Ray's happiness together.  She still remembered vividly that
tragic night, never suspecting that anything this horrible
could befall them, still wondering what could have been done
to prevent it.

Angie had been sleeping peacefully, with Ray at her side.
Sometime in the early morning she'd noticed in half-sleep
that he was restless and had woken up.  "Sweetheart, you ok?
Is it work?" she mumbled over to him, at the same time
moving closer to place an arm around him, hand resting on
his bare chest.  "Its nothin'.  I'll be ok.  I'm gonna go
check on Theressa.  She'll calm me down.  I'll be right
back."  He lifted her arm gently off him, kissing her hand
and placing it down on the warm sheet where he'd just been
lying.

Ray had been a cop for over two years then.  Already he'd
seen his share of how cruel human beings could be to one
another, but he still felt driven to help make it better for
as many people as possible, especially to make the world
safer for his wife and daughter.  She'd admired him for his
courage to follow his dream and wished to join him in this
mission soon.  At first he wouldn't share his experiences as
a cop with her, afraid to let the darkness that he was often
a witness to touch her.  Only telling her of the people he
worked with or of the good or funny things that happened in
his profession.  But she'd encouraged and supported him to
release some of the darker emotional burden to her in order
to help dissipate it.  He still had a hard time opening up
to her about some of the heavier experiences of what he'd
seen and felt on the job, but lately he was gradually
trusting her with this too and seeing she could handle it.
She needed to know these things not only to help and
understand the man she loved, but to prepare herself for
when she would become a cop too.  She still hadn't found the
right time to tell him of her ongoing wish though.

After Ray left her side, she couldn't fall back to sleep.
She was worried about him, so she roused herself out of bed
and trudged after him a couple of minutes later.  The image
of her husband giving Theressa infant CPR was burned into
her mind forever, rousing her fully then from her half-
sleep.  "Oh god no.  NO!" she cried as she entered the room
rushing over to them both and saw that her baby wasn't
moving; was too silent; was gone.  Ray kept up the CPR, all
the while talking with and begging Theressa to come back,
that he'd barely noticed Angie in the room with them.
Realizing after a while the futility of what he was doing,
she tried to make him stop.  When he finally did and turned
to face her, she again realized it was the eyes that always
did it to her, those expressive eyes - so like their
daughter's had been too - mirroring the same pain and grief
that were in her own at the loss of their child.  Later,
from the medical examiner they would find out that it had
been logged as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) or crib
death.  But still they both felt there could have been
something they could have done to prevent it, but were
besides themselves to know what that would have been.

The months that followed the death, funeral and depression
they'd both gone into were too horrific, but the memories
flooded her now anyway.  She remembered that they'd tried to
comfort each other.  Neither felt consoled though, because a
part of what made them whole was gone now and a jagged
gaping dark hole remained as it gradually sucked away the
happiness and love they'd once shared.  Angie recalled
seeing Irene standing off from them in the distance at
Theressa's funeral.  She'd been touched by the gesture until
she saw Ray noticing her there too.  The way he looked at
her, when he thought Angie wasn't looking, had hurt and
brought back the old feeling of being the third wheel again
like when they were kids.  But she shouldn't have felt like
this... second best.  Ray was her husband and Irene belonged
to someone else.  Last she heard Irene had had a baby boy
that was almost the same age as their Theressa.  She knew
Ray knew this too and wondered if he ever fantasized that
Irene's child was his own.  In her grief she wished Irene
hadn't come, would just disappear, never existed.

********************************

Dusting it off as she pulled it from out of the box came a
plaque naming her as graduating the Police Academy with
distinction.  Before entering the Academy, she had to have a
serious talk with Ray about it.  She knew he still wanted a
big family and after some time had passed after Theressa's
death, he broached the subject again of having more
children, even compromising to just one more.  Their love
life had fallen to the wayside.  She knew she was
frustrating him by not letting him really make love to her
now.  Being brought up under strict Roman Catholic doctrines
the thought of contraception still bothered her, so most of
the time she chose abstinence instead, much to her husband's
disappointment.  He pretended to understand that it was
because she was still depressed over their daughter's death.
But what he didn't realize was how terrified she was of what
he was asking of her.  The memories of a painful difficult
pregnancy, as well as the thought of another child seeming
sacreligious to the memory of her first and lastly her dream
of becoming a cop again being put on hold, kept making her
response a 'No, I'm not ready yet.'.

She hated herself for hurting him and their marriage, which
had taken a turn for the worse.  He'd thrown himself into
his work then and although he was never really unkind to
her, they were growing apart and distant as time went on.
When she'd told him she was planning to re-enroll for the
Police Academy, he wasn't as supportive about it as he was
before they were married.  They'd argued about it and he
tried to discourage her, but she stood her ground.  She knew
part of the reason wasn't because he knew she couldn't
handle it, but that he wanted her in the full-time role of
wife and mother, but that wasn't what she wanted then.

She'd followed her childhood dream and was inducted into the
police force as a rookie.  Ray had been really proud of her
when she graduated near the top of her class.  He liked to
tease his coworkers. "Better suck up to me now guys.  My
wife's gonna be the Police Commissioner some day."  Although
he was proud of her, she knew that their marriage was being
stretched thin more and more each day.  They hardly ever saw
each other due to their schedules and even when they did it
was if they were just friendly roommates and coworkers
rather than husband and wife.

********************************

There was a cassette at the bottom of the box.  *How'd that
get in here?* she thought to herself as she flipped it over
in her hands to see it was one of Ray's old tapes.  It was a
Rolling Stones album with the dreaded song 'ANGIE' on it.
She hated that song.  It hit too close to home for her and
she felt Ray must have written the lyrics and given them to
Mick Jagger.  She never wanted to hear that song again.

This only made her think back to the rainy day when Ray
picked her up after her shift ended in his new prized
possession; that green '71 Buick Riviera he loved so much.
She'd made him drive to an isolated spot and park the car.
His worried, concerned face turned to her's, causing a
shiver at the sense of deja vu that struck her when he said
"What's wrong Angie?  Are you gonna dump me?"  This time she
couldn't say 'no'.  This time he was right and it hurt so
much to say good-bye.  But after 5 years of marriage they
were just going through the motions now, it wasn't a real
marriage any more.  One of them, she figured it should be
her because she knew how loyal he could be, needed to end
this torture she was putting him and herself through.
"Yes." she said as tears threatened to spill, but she held
them in check.  He'd put up a fuss about it and argued with
her, but in the end he conceded.

Their divorce was finalized a short time later and he'd been
more than fair and generous in the settlement.  It was like
a dull ache every time she'd run into him after that,
sometimes at a wedding or a funeral or around town like
today at the garage.  The awkwardness and the affectionate
peck he'd given her back today letting her know they weren't
strangers, that he still cared about her.

She often wondered if Theressa had lived what her life would
be like today.  Would she still be married to Ray?  Would
they have had more children together?  Would she still have
become a police officer?  The questions and 'ifs' drove her
crazy.  On occassions like now, and since she recently
entered her early thirties, she could hear that biological
clock of her's ticking and started thinking about wanting a
family and children to go along with her career now.  But
she was afraid it was too late to have this with the man she
wanted to share this dream with; especially after what she'd
put him through already.  She closed the box of memories and
shook her head sadly at this extension of her dream. *It
ain't gonna happen Angie.*, she told herself, *Because any
other man would just be... second best.*  THE END

ANGIE by the Rolling Stones from their album STRIPPED

OH, ANGIE, ANGIE, WHEN WILL THOSE DARK CLOUDS DISAPPEAR?
ANGIE, ANGIE, WHERE WILL IT LEAD US FROM HERE
WITH NO LOVING IN OUR SOULS AND NO MONEY IN OUR COATS
YOU CAN'T SAY WE'RE SATISFIED
BUT ANGIE, ANGIE, YOU CAN'T SAY WE NEVER TRIED

ANGIE, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, BUT AIN'T IT TIME WE SAID GOODBYE?
ANGIE, I STILL LOVE YOU, REMEMBER ALL THOSE NIGHTS WE CRIED?
ALL THE DREAMS WE HELD SO CLOSE SEEMED TO ALL GO UP IN SMOKE
LET ME WHISPER IN YOUR EAR
ANGIE, ANGIE, WHERE WILL IT LEAD US FROM HERE

OH, ANGIE, DON'T YOU WEEP, ALL YOUR KISSES STILL TASTE SWEET
I HATE THAT SADNESS IN YOUR EYES BUT ANGIE, I STILL LOVE YOU
BABY, EV'RYWHERE I LOOK I SEE YOUR EYES THERE AIN'T A WOMAN
THAT COMES CLOSE TO YOU, COME ON BABY, DRY YOUR EYES
BUT ANGIE, ANGIE, AIN'T IT GOOD TO BE ALIVE?
ANGIE, ANGIE, THEY CAN'T SAY WE NEVER TRIED

THE END