Contains spoilers for Juliet Is Bleedingm/m relationship implied
(Title borrowed from Loreena McKennitt's album the mask and mirror')
Roots half hidden under snows,
Broken boughs and blackened leaves,
For all things turn to bareness
In the dim glass the demons hold.
-'The Two Trees' - William Yeats
He stood, a lone figure, partially sheltered, partially hidden, under a large oak tree on a small grassed hill. As the rain grew heavier, he pulled the collar of his worn leather jacket up tighter around his neck. It was a futile attempt to keep out some of the damp, as he was already soaked to the skin.
His gaze hadn't moved from the sad scene being played out below. There were many figures, huddled under umbrellas, paying their last respects to someone that most of them had barely known. He focussed on the one figure he had come to watch. Standing slightly away from the large group of mourners this man had pain etched into his face.
Fraser wanted to be down there with him, sharing the pain in order to ease it. He hadn't spoken to Ray since that night at the hospital. Irene's death had provided him with an opportunity to support Ray for the first time in days. However, once the press had gone and they had left the hospital Ray had maintained a wall of silence. Once they reached Fraser's apartment building Benny had got out of the car and with a curt "Night Fraser", Ray had driven off. That was the last time he had seen or spoken to Ray in three long days.
Reading the newspapers he had discovered Irene's funeral was today. Fraser had needed to be here, not just for Ray but for himself. The gap in his life since this whole mess had begun to hurt physically, as well as emotionally. He missed Ray more than he thought he could miss anyone. He was also no longer welcome at the 27th Precinct since finding an alibi for Frank Zuko. In fact, he thought bitterly to himself, he couldn't think of anywhere that he was welcome, either side of the border.
The funeral was over and he could see the crowd scattering towards their waiting vehicles. Fraser felt his heart beat faster as Ray looked his way. Their eyes met and his heart froze as he saw the bitterness and scorn on Ray's face. Benny couldn't break the look but Ray turned away from him and walked off.
Fighting back tears, Fraser hung his head as he felt the cold that
came, not only from the rain. The damp had penetrated deeply now and
he shivered as he turned and started walking home.
Fraser sensed the car following him before it drove slowly past and pulled over to the curb a few yards in front of him. It was Ray.
As he approached the vehicle, the passengers' window slowly lowered. Stooping he peered in. Ray was still staring straight ahead. "Get in", he said without turning. Fraser hesitated, now the moment was here he wasn't sure how to handle it. "Just get in before you catch your death of cold," Ray snarled at him. He made up his mind and slowly got in. The car tore away from the curb as the door barely closed.
Looking at the face of the man he loved Fraser could see the pain. Ray was always thin but in these last few days it seemed he had grown thinner. The usually warm brown eyes were guarded and outlined with dark circles. He looked like he hadn't slept for days. He wasn't the only one, Fraser thought to himself. Fraser could feel a sense of loneliness wash over him, as it had so many times lately. He had missed their friendship and their love. The most frightening thing was that he didn't know if he'd ever get it back.
The silence in the car was painful. "How are you, Ray?" he ventured. He was met by a stoney silence and he turned and looked out the passengers' window as he blinked back the tears. The journey was completed in silence.
Fraser was trembling with the cold by the time Ray pulled up in front of his apartment block. He hadn't dared ask Ray to put the heater on. What hurt more was the fact that he wouldn't have had to ask his Ray of a few days ago to do it, he just would have known it was needed.
As soon as the car stopped Fraser threw a "Thanks, Ray" over his shoulder and got out of the car. He was stunned when Ray also got out and walked off into the apartment building. He hurried to follow.
Again the silence as they walked up the three flights of stairs to Fraser's apartment. Unlocking the dilapidated door Benny threw it open and gestured at Ray to enter. Dief bounded over to Ray to greet him and received a pat. Fraser felt the jealousy surging in him as Dief received the physical contact he wanted so desperately. Closing the door behind him he turned and looked at Ray who was standing in the middle of the room.
"We need to talk," Ray blurted out. Fraser nodded, but didn't move.
"You look frozen. Why don't you get a hot shower and change?" At
Fraser's hesitation he added, "I'll still be here when you get back."
Again Fraser mutely nodded, almost as if he was afraid to talk. Moving
quickly through the apartment he gathered what he needed. Without looking
back, he walked out of the apartment, closing the door behind him.
Ray stared at the closed door. Benny looked worse than he did. He was usually so pristine but there he had stood wet and bedraggled. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and those usually bright blue eyes had been shuttered and wary.
Rubbing a hand across his tired eyes, Ray moved to stand by the kitchen window. He had no idea what he was going to say to Benny when he came back. He didn't even know what he was doing here.
Ray's mind drifted back over the last week, a week that could only be described as a living hell. First there had been Zuko turning up again, when he and his friends were out for a night of fun and celebration. Then Irene being there, he felt his stomach knot again as he thought of her. He knew he had flirted with her to infuriate Zuko but he must have hurt Benny too. Why did he have to do that? Fraser was the best thing that had happened to him, he loved him unconditionally, or so he had thought. Yet when Benny had pointed out the errors they were making in accusing Frankie of Lewis's murder he, Ray, had turned on him, belittled him and pushed him away. He had seen the look on Benny's face in the street when he had torn into him. Fraser had been barely holding back tears.
He hadn't been able to face Fraser after that and it was Irene he had turned to for comfort after Gardino's funeral. Maybe if he had stayed away...no, he wasn't even going to start thinking about that. The situation had grown worse when Benny had secured Zuko's release. Ray knew he had basically told Fraser to go to hell. He had left him standing alone in the squad room, left him feeling disliked by everyone, including himself. Lastly there had been Irene's death. He was sure the nightmares would never end. He didn't know who was to blame for her death, himself, Fraser, Zuko, Sorrento or even, God forgive him for thinking it, Irene herself.
Now he was here, in this apartment that held so many memories, maybe to mend bridges, maybe to cut all ties, he just didn't know. All he could feel was a rage, a rage he couldn't expel because he didn't have any idea who to direct it at.
Ray's reverie was broken as the door opened once again. Turning away from the window he watched as a look of panic crossed Fraser's face as he saw the empty bedroom. Ray was amazed at his own lack of feeling, he made no move to let him know he was still here, he waited for Fraser to notice him standing in the kitchen.
Staying silent he saw Benny try to disguise the look of relief on
his face as he spotted Ray. He noted he looked a lot warmer after his
shower and there was a better colour in his face. Fraser dropped his
damp clothes on a chair and then walked over to stand in front of Ray.
Ray watched as Benny looked him in the eyes and asked "What do you want
Ray? Why are you here?"
Waiting for Ray's answer Fraser could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He knew this time was so important. If he was to have a chance at getting his Ray back it had to happen here and now. The words had to be right. The problem was he couldn't read Ray as easily as he used to. He was hiding his feelings deeply now, he may have been hurt once too often. Fraser found it incomprehensible that he may have been the one to inflict this latest hurt on him.
Ray finally spoke "I don't know why I'm here Fraser. Maybe I want an explanation or maybe I want to tell you to stay away from me." Before Fraser could speak Ray calmly asked "Why did you betray me? Why weren't you there when I needed you?"
Trying to make Ray understand he put into words the thoughts that had been running through his mind day after day as he had asked himself those same questions. "If I had just backed you up Ray it would not have changed who was guilty for Lewis's death. I was scared for you Ray, afraid that if I did not find out who had killed Lewis and tried to kill you, they may have tried again, and succeeded." He could see he wasn't getting through, Ray was just looking at him passively, as if he was a stranger. He tried again. "I was there for you Ray. You kept pushing me away, you would not listen. I felt your pain, I tried to tell you that outside Zuko's house. I was also afraid you would get yourself killed."
A snigger was Ray's response. "Oh yes, and you just knew you were right and the whole of the Chicago PD was wrong. Just had to prove it didn't you. No matter what the cost. There is a difference between supporting an ideal and supporting your friends when they need you. You were supposed to be there for me, not make things worse. Well I hope you can live with the results. "
Fraser couldn't believe his ears. Ray blamed him for Irene's death. "I know you loved Irene but her death was an accident. Many people were to blame, myself included. Ray there are so many if's involved here. If Zuko was still in custody, if I had not confronted Sorrento with the fact Zuko knew he had planted the bomb, if Irene had not chosen that night to leave, and if you had not burst into that house at that moment. All of these things resulted in a tragic death, we are all to blame in some way." Ray was still just standing looking at him.
Fraser was getting frustrated, he couldn't get any real emotional response from Ray, he had to try a different tact. "Who were you trying to avenge Ray? Gardino or yourself?"
That got a response. Ray started pacing around the small kitchen. He stopped, turned and spat the words out. "How dare you say that Fraser. Do you know what *hell* I've been going through? Gardino's death was my fault, and yes, I wanted to make sure someone paid for it."
Fraser looked at Ray in puzzlement. "How could you think it was your fault, Ray? If anyone should feel guilty, it is me..." He broke off. Turning away as the memories of the explosion and its aftermath washed over him.
Ray's voice, almost a whisper, desperate, pushed through his reflections. "I gave him the keys. That bomb was meant for me, I should have been the one killed."
Hearing the despair Fraser yearned to hold him in his arms, let him know it wasn't his fault. But, turning back, he knew he could only use his words. "No, Ray, it was I who saw something that did not feel right and I hesitated. I should have warned Lewis earlier, tried harder to stop him. Why did I hesitate? This question haunts me yet every day there is a part of me that is grateful that Lewis died in your place. I am ashamed of those feelings but also not ashamed."
How could this man be so caring? Ray could feel Fraser's words were starting to penetrate. It made him angry, he had no right to feel anything again, it was too soon. He grasped at words that he was sure would hurt Fraser. "You only worked so hard to get Zuko released because you were jealous of Irene." At the look of shock on Fraser's face he pushed home his advantage. Raising his voice, he shouted at him. "You wanted to make sure Zuko was free because you knew he would get in the way of Irene's and my happiness. You didn't care what was right or wrong. You were just being selfish."
As quiet settled over the apartment he watched as Diefenbaker moved away from him to stand behind Fraser. Great, at least he'd managed to push the wolf away. Looking back at Fraser's face he could see the faint blush there, ah ha, he'd hit a nerve.
Clearing his throat, Fraser tried to formulate a response. The words were spoken firmly and with a barely suppressed anger. "Some of what you say is correct Ray. I'm not proud of myself, but yes, I was jealous when you were flirting with Irene. However, I would never do such a thing as free a murderer just to acquiesce my own feelings. Whatever I felt towards you I would never keep you from being with someone you wanted to be with. I love you Ray and I do want what is best for you. If it's not me then so be it. You are only saying those things because you cannot accept me standing by my ideals at the risk of our love." His voice was soft as he continued. "I have only fallen in love, really in love, twice in my life. The first time was with Victoria and the second has been with you. In both instances my lovers have claimed to love me unconditionally and in both cases I have been let down. Neither of you has been able to accept me for whom I am."
Ray surged towards him, the rage was evident on his face. He shouted into Fraser's face. "DON'T EVER COMPARE ME TO THAT BITCH!" he spat out. Benny watched as Ray drew back his fist. Stepping back to get away from Ray's wrath he found himself falling backwards over his wolf. He twisted to try and stop himself but struck his cheekbone on the corner of the kitchen table before he came to rest on his hands and knees on the floor.
Once his head had stopped spinning and the pain was a dull throb he turned to look up at Ray. Ray was standing gaping, he looked physically ill as the realisation of what had just happened came to him. The anguish in those brown eyes tore at Fraser's heart. He struggled to his feet in order to assure Ray that he was all right. It had the opposite effect as a wave of dizziness came over him and he had to grab a hold of the table to ensure he stayed upright.
Ray at last moved into action as he rushed to Benny's side, grabbed his arm and helped him over to the bed. "Benny, sit down." "I'm all right, Ray," he tried to protest but Ray pushed him until he sat on the edge of the bed. Crouching down next to the bed Ray rested a hand on Fraser's knee. "You want me to call a doctor?" Ben looked up until he met Ray's eyes. "I really am okay, Ray. You don't have to worry." Ray stared at the cut cheekbone on that handsome face. Then his eyes moved to the swelling that was beginning to darken under the right eye of his friend.
Gently caressing the unharmed side of Fraser's face he felt tears welling as he tried to apologise. "I am sorry. I don't know what came over me. You know I don't mean to hurt you, you do know that, Benny. Don't you?"
Fraser grasped Ray's hands in his and tried to smile. "I know you would never hurt me on purpose Ray. This wasn't your fault it was just an accident, just like so much has been an accident lately."
Ray tried to return the smile but it turned out more like a grimace. "Look. We can continue this discussion later." Pulling his hands free he guided Fraser down onto the bed. "Just lay there. I'm going to get something to clean you up with."
Benny's eyes followed Ray as he moved around the kitchen, gathering water, antiseptic, cloths and ice. Ray was certainly back in his life but things were far from right. All he wanted to do was hold Ray, love him and be loved back. It had all seemed so simple before Zuko had come back into their lives.
Ray wandered back over with the supplies and put them on the bedside table. Sitting carefully on the bed next to Fraser, he started bathing the cut on his cheek. Ben was watching him mutely and Ray could see him beginning to relax.
As Ray moved his arm in front of Ben's face again, he felt tender
lips placing a gentle kiss on his wrist. Stopping, Ray looked down into
that beautiful, damaged face and the tears began streaming down his face.
He felt himself swept into a pair of strong and tender arms. The frustration
and pain started to expel from him. He knew he was loved by this man
and it was clear to him now that this relationship was worth salvaging.
Ray leant deeper into those comforting arms and whispered, "I do love
you Benton Fraser."
I lost myself to him
And laid my face upon my lover's breast
And care and grief grew dim
As in the morning's mist became the light.
-St John of the Cross