It was all still like a dream. Ray could hardly believe it. But here they were on *that* subject... again. Well, technically, they had to because it was required for a case Ray had been assigned to. However, the frequency that this particular topic came up was increasing between them. And Ray couldn't figure out why. There was a murder and they'd interviewed the man's roommate, who Fraser determined to also be the victim's male lover. Afterward, while driving away, Ray simply had to ask how Benny knew both men were homosexual.
"It was rather simple, Ray." the ever logical Mountie said to him once they were in the Riv. "Did you notice the refrigerator magnet was in the shape of a triangle?"
"The rainbow-colored one? Yeah, I saw it."
"Well yes, it was indeed a rainbow, but it had the shade of purple in it, which a regular rainbow usually does not have and-"
"Benny! What's your point?!"
"Freedom colors, Ray. They're referred to as freedom colors." The revelation had Ray momentarily tongue-tied, providing the space for the Mountie to continue. "I was wondering if you were going to let Lt. Welsh know that this case may not be suitable for you."
Ray flinched inwardly. What the Hell did Fraser mean by that? The slightest amount of panic surfaced, but he ignored it.
"What do you mean, Benny?"
"Well, Ray, in the past, I've heard you make some remarks that indicated you would not be comfortable with the aspects involved."
Still, Ray could not get a grip on what Fraser was trying to tell him, but there was a little voice warning him. Fraser was being way too relaxed in his tone.
"Spell it out, Fraser. Why wouldn't I want this case?"
"Because of the sect of society it concentrates on, Ray. I just thought you might not like working around such individuals and-"
**So, the little voice was right.** the Detective surmised. Ray was stunned, insulted and downright upset, even if he had no real right to be. On the surface, Fraser's estimation was a good one.
"*What*?! Are...are you calling me a bigot, Benny?! Are you saying I can't do my job because these guys are gay?!"
The Mountie's voice was smooth, almost without surprise that Ray would be upset, which Ray couldn't figure out as well. It was almost as if the Canadian were baiting him.
"I'm not saying that you *couldn't* solve this case, Ray, I'm only saying that you should maybe consider refusing if your views are tainted-"
"*Tainted*!? As in biased, right?! I can't believe you, Fraser, that you actually think I'd put my personal feelings above a case!"
Now, Fraser was getting a little more brittle in his accusations.
"So, personally, you do admit to a dislike of homosexuals, Ray. How can you objectively-"
**SSSCCCRRREEECCHH!!!!!**
The Riv came to dead stop in the middle of the intersection. The oncoming cars halted on a dime as well, but the profane diatribe by the other drivers was largely ignored by the Riv's occupants. Luckily Dief wasn't in the back seat. Vecchio swung to face his partner.
"What I think or feel does not concern this case! *Do* you get that!? I *don't* have a problem with it!"
Benny looked passively forward, obviously sulking. His words were quiet, but still brutally honest.
"You can't even say the word, Ray. 'Homosexual'. Can you say that and not be disgusted?"
There was that worm on the hook again dangling before him, and that mental foreboding begging Vecchio not to take it.
Swinging back face forward and starting to drive again, Ray mumbled, "What's it to you anyway? What do you care?"
Silence just about congealed on the dashboard. That feeling of anxiety was getting a little louder now, urging Ray to quiet the fears he'd had since this conversation started.
"What, Benny? It's not like I'm judging anybody we know. I just don't care for that stuff, you know that."
"How do you know, Ray? How do you know who's gay and who's not? If I hadn't pointed out that the victim or his lover was so inclined, you wouldn't have known. But, now that you *do* know, are you going to treat him or this case any differently?"
Ray shifted uneasily. He hated it when the Mountie had a point.
"Okay no, to my knowledge, I don't personally know any *homosexuals*. See, I CAN say it. Do you know any?"
The last question was blurted out and Ray wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the answer.
"In the past, Ray, yes, there were a few at the Academy and in my early years of training. I was even approached by a few."
Ray was turning the color of Dief's fur and it took a moment to learn how to speak again.
"Appro...approached you?! As in wanted to..."
"Yes, Ray, that's exactly what they wanted. I found it a rather nice compliment, honestly."
"But how can you?"
Benny actually laughed a little at that point, his voice bordering on condescending.
"Ray, I don't really care about such activities among consenting adults. Unless there was someone in my life that special - which there isn't - to me, it's sort of like watching caribou graze: while not overly interesting, it's definitely not painful."
And Ray just sat there, with that entire statement in his hands, wanting to respond to everything at once, but he couldn't bring himself to speak. And why did that line Benny said of not having anybody "that special" in his life upset the Detective? Surely, Benny meant it in a romantic way, but still...
Ray sighed as he pulled up beside the apartment building. It was...disturbing. It was painful Benny thought these things about him. The prospect of being honest made the Italian oddly reluctant, but he simply would not have Benny harboring this heinous view of him.
"Okay, look. I know I've said some things...in the past. It's just...no, okay, *no*, I don't care for loud, crass fairies who are so feminine they make Marilyn Monroe look butch, all right?! But, if they're just...you know, act like you and me, who just go about their day, then, no I don't have a problem with them."
"So, only excessively effeminate homosexuals offend you?"
"Yeah. That and maybe the ones who sleep with half of every city they live in."
"But, to some, is it not a sign of true masculinity for a heterosexual man to sleep with as many women as possible? To be what is commonly referred to as a 'player'?"
Ray stared, his eyes going wide. He decided against discussing how his partner knew of the term, and despite how much he didn't like it, Benny was correct.
"Well, yeah, but that's not right either."
"How is it not right? I mean, from your own experiences, that is."
That hurt Ray in a new way. Did Benny see him as a "player"?! Had his antigay comments, which he honestly hadn't really thought about, and his general behavior towards females made Fraser come to the conclusion Ray Vecchio, while a really good friend, was also a homo-hating-women-banging jockhead?
"'In what way', Fraser?! Try being irresponsible, dangerous in both respects of disease and being physically hurt and just the overall lack of intimacy. Gay or straight, sleeping with whatever moves has the same consequences! I couldn't stand that, one stranger after the other, not knowing any names or anything, night after night. That crap doesn't appeal to me at all. Wait a minute, is this how you see me? Do you think I could act like that?"
"Well, no, Ray. Honestly, I *did* previously think you believed it was permissible for a straight man to have many lovers, but frowned upon the numerous partners gay men might have. But, now I see that's not true. I'm sorry for my prior judgment. I see that you would prefer involvement with someone you are close to and know quite well."
Suddenly, Ray felt very uneasy as his memory flitted back over his prior relationships. He was close to Angie, even though they were rather young when they married. Of course, they divorced. The painful truth be told, Irene was simply a way to block out what was going on with Frankie. He could not figure out why he kept torturing himself with the likes of Louise and Agent Chapin was a desperate attempt to believe in something, anything other than what life had dealt him. A life alone. A stray, vicious thought of Victoria abruptly brought him back to the present.
"Damn straight, you should be sorry, Benny! And if you didn't believe that other stuff, then why did you say it to begin with? Hell, if two guys want to get it on for the night with the understanding it's all gonna' end in the morning, I find that a hell of a lot better than some guy who's lying to some babe about how much he loves her just to get laid. And I can't believe you'd think otherwise of me, Fraser."
"Has a man ever approached you, Ray?"
"No, of course not!" He hadn't intended for it to be, but the reply was blunt and full of indignation.
"Of course not? What do you mean?"
Ray sighed and laughed a little. That little voice was a constant now, but he was noticing he was getting better at dismissing it.
"Oh, that's just rich, Benny. They hit on you and not me. Gee, I wonder why? Have you checked a mirror lately? Or ever in your life? We don't exactly look alike, ya' know?"
Fraser cocked his head a bit, as he did when seriously contemplating something, his eyes instantly going round with incredulousness.
"Do you find me attractive, Ray?"
There was true curiosity in the words from the Mountie and from anyone else, in any other context, would seem a desperate attempt at self-flattery, a pathetic fishing for compliments. Suddenly, Ray found himself numb...and speechless again, but scrambling to come up with an *appropriate* response, considering the range this conversation contained. Disbelief won out.
"Oh, don't give me that, Fraser! You know how you look."
"That's not the point. I've got a proposition for you, Ray." At that, Vecchio simply rested his forehead on the steering wheel while the Mountie continued. "If you can admit you find my appearance physically appealing, then I can believe you are not biased and you can pursue this case without a negative viewpoint. It will show that you are comfortable enough with your own sexuality that you don't feel threatened by telling me the truth."
"What?! You want me to what?! I don't-"
Ray turned his head away, fuming at the Canadian's persistence. Still, it upset him even more that Benny suggested Ray would somehow not do his best to solve a case because of a few bad words he barely remembered saying. His heart was hammering in his chest, but he forced the words out anyway.
"Okay, yes! I find you attractive, all right?! Now will you leave me alone?"
"Thank you Ray."
The Mountie smiled a bit before turning face forward. His eyes, though, were sparkling like the night sky. Fraser seemed immensely pleased with himself, exuding a satisfied glow that he'd accomplished something of mega-proportions.
"What are you smiling at?!" Ray snapped.
"Nothing, Ray."
"Oh, right, sure, of course. GOD, are you annoying! Get out! I am going home now."
"Fine, Ray."
With that, the Mountie disembarked from the car.
"And Ray?"
"Yes, Benny?" he said, his exhaustion obvious.
"It was their loss."
"What? Who?"
Fraser's eyes were displaying doubt now. "Never mind, Ray. I'll see you tomorrow."
Ray gulped, having a very good idea what Fraser meant, but he simply could not push himself to ask. And something else was bugging him. He hadn't felt disgust or revulsion during that entire spoken exchange, except when Benny called into question his character. What he did feel was grateful for the subtle appraisal. It was sweet of Benny to say a gay man should've ask Ray to...well, to do *that*. It was very much like when Benny had called Ray his best friend, a delightful declaration that left the Italian warm and fuzzy all over. Ray's mind then did a somersault when he asked himself that *other* blasted question.
**Does Benny find me attractive?!**
Well, there was no way in Hell Ray was ever going to ask Fraser that, but the idea didn't...nauseate him, as Fraser thought it would. But, something was pushing him to find out for sure. It was a combination of emotions he couldn't easily explain. The Italian caught his reflection in the rearview mirror, Benny's words echoing in his thoughts. For even hinting that Ray's appearance was easy on the eyes was confounding for the Detective. He was curious, of course. Just finding out if Benny really meant it, and most of all why, was imperative.
**It's not everyday someone calls Ray Vecchio attractive.** he glumly told himself. **Especially by someone as beautiful as Fraser.**
Ray blinked at his own mental statement. Sure, Benny was beautiful, in so very many ways.
"Stop it! Just stop it!" Ray said out loud. "Where the Hell is all this coming from, huh?! Why are you doing this to yourself, Vecchio? Just go home. Go home and forget about that...that Mountie."
Somehow, he sadly knew this wasn't the end at all. For either of them.
END