Warning: M/M implied, and angst. Spoilers for Victoria's Secret, part I & II.

I think Victoria's Secret was one of the most powerful episodes of any series I have ever seen. It moved me greatly and I just had to write a story about it. This is the result.

Forgiveness and Hope

by Jessamyne Hawke

written January 20, 1999

I meant it when I told Victoria if she ever hurt Benny, I'd kill her. Who'd know, I'd end up hurting him too. He has to live with the bullet I put into his back, and I have to live with that I shot the man I love more than anyone else in the world.

Yes, love.

Heaven help me, I love Benton Fraser. I can't tell him. I can never tell him.

I didn't realize how I felt about him until Victoria came back into his life. At first I was thrilled that he found someone. When he forgot Friday night, it had hurt more than I thought it would. After relying on his friendship for so long, this made me feel like I was nothing to him.

I admit, even then I was jealous. I've had strong feeling for Benny for a long time. I just didn't know what they were till now. I thought at the time it was only because she was becoming between our friendship. It didn't dawn on me that it was love until I saw him laid out on the platform.

I swear I had seen a gun in Victoria's hand. I thought she was going to kill him, and I took the shot.

It seemed like time slowed as I watched Benny fall to the platform after the shot hit him. The look in his eyes as he laid there, and the words he uttered still haunted me, 'I should be with her.'

Who would have ever thought five little words could hurt so much. I never did. At that moment I knew he'd planned on going with her. He would have let me lose the house, face the charges alone. I should hate him for it, but I can't.

Victoria manipulated, used Benny, told him that she loved him. I don't know if that is true, maybe she did in her own twisted way. She certainly went through a hell of a lot to get him to go with her. All I do know is that Benny loves her or thinks he does. I just don't know anymore, and my head aches from trying to figure it all out.

I'm sitting here waiting for him to wake and it seems like an eternity. I haven't taken my eyes off him since they'd brought him from ICU. The staff hadn't been too keen on me staying at first, but with a bit of 'persuasion' on my part they let me stay. Okay, maybe bullied was the actual word, but that doesn't matter now. What is important is that I'm here.

He looks so pale, fragile with all those machines hooked up to him. The fact that I'm the one that put him here tears me up inside. The rooms so quiet except for the sound of the machines. All I have for company are my thoughts, with one thought eating away at me.

Will Benny forgive me?

I've already forgiven him for wanting to leave with Victoria. The pains still there, but how could I not forgive him. I love him. It seems like such an easy answer, but it's not. It's the only one I have.

Most would say that he's the one that should be asking forgiveness, but then I'm the only one who knows he was leaving with her. I plan on keeping it that way.

Now that he's out of danger, what scares me is how Benny will react when he sees me. Once I would have known, but not now. Will he turn away from me, tell me to fuck off. Well, not that exact phrasing, but the meaning would be the same.

I'd understand, it would hurt like hell, but I'd understand if he did. I shot him, kept him from the woman he loves. No, thinks he loves. I have to make that distinction.

A noise catches my attention, and I rub the tiredness from my eyes before totally focusing on Benny. His eyes flutter and I'm out of my chair, next to his bed before I can think. Leaning over him, my hand laying on his, I search his face for any more signs of waking. I look back to eyes and find myself gazing into familiar blue ones.

I can see the confusion in Benny's eyes. I want so much to gather him in my arms, but that thought was immediately thrown away. I'm sure I could blame the moment, but I didn't want to overwhelm him.

The realization of where he is finally sets in and the pain that clouds his eyes nearly breaks my heart. I can't help but wonder if its because of me, that he doesn't want me here, so I step away. I feel a touch at my hand and stop. I look down at him. His lips begin forming a word and I lean closer, straining to hear.

'Stay.'

I lean back and blink back the tears that begin to form. Clasping his hand in mine, I smile down at him.

One small word giving me the hope I need to know everything will all right between us.

~the end~

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