Standard Disclaimer. I'm just borrowing them, I'd return them if Alliance was going to use them. Please send comments, questions, compliments, and otters to sdelcul@mail.com.
A few notes before we begin.
1. (Telling & Injured) Randy and Carol belong to whoever owns ER. The song Because you loved me belongs to Celine Dion (or she sang it anyway). And lastly I have no idea who It's a wonderful life belongs to but it isn't me.
2. Ramona Milano's birthday is November 9th so I used that as Francesca's birthday.
3. Tuvalu is a country located in the South Pacific Ocean, near Fiji. How can you not love a country named Tuvalu whose capital is Funafuti?
4. (Maria) is also a response to Elaine's boycotting Canada challenge.
5. Olive-Harvey College is a community college in Chicago. I know nothing about it.
6. Information about (Anniversary) Florence, the Istituto e Museo di Storia della Scienza di Firenze, the Pontevecchio comes from http://www.thais.it/citta_italiane/firenze/index/pontevecchio/pag_01.htm http://galileo.imss.firenze.it/intro/index.html. I'm not affiliated with them.
7. Trenette col pesto is a type of flat spaghetti with crushed basil, garlic, oil, and Parmesan cheese sauce.
--I'd like to thank all the "little" people without whom this story could not and would not have been written.
To everybody who read/is reading/will read this story, especially those who responded, thank you.
Father "Bob"- thank you kindly for allowing me to use you as a character. Are you wearing your hat? I am. Now if only I could remember where I put that price tag.
Kasia- thank you for being my travel agent. (I only asked her once and she found it for me). PS stop laughing before you hurt yourself (again).
Finally I have to thank my roommate, botanist, and beta reader, Acer canadensis who put in all the commas you see. If any are missing you can blame her.
Thanks, enjoy, and please please send me some feedback. sdelcul@mail.com
He hadn't wanted to wait, but the Feds had insisted he be debriefed as soon as possible. That meant three more days of waiting to see Benny as he repeated the story for what felt like the hundredth time.
"I don't know why this is important now. Thanks to your people jumping the gun everybody who could know who I am is dead and we can't convict dead people. You almost got me killed too."
He hated repeating himself over and over. He knew why they kept asking him; sure, he had done it to witnesses plenty of times. When you kept asking them sometimes they would tell you something they didn't know they had seen.
It wasn't so much the questioning he minded, although it was a definite pain. He disliked having to sit there instead of beginning to get his life back in order. He looked at his watch. It was a quarter till eight when they finally let him go. They warned him not to go to the precinct yet and suggested he find a friend to stay with rather than going to his own home just yet. He could see his family, but people might wonder why some guy who had never been seen before was suddenly moving in; the wrong people. So he needed a friend to stay with. Hmm . . . yup, that was Benny all right, his best friend and God he had missed him, Inuit stories and all.
He dialed the familiar number from memory. "Mr. Mustafi? . . . Yes, Listen, can you tell me if Fraser is in his apartment? . . . No? No message. I just wanted to surprise him. Do you know where he could be? . . . Oh, okay. Thank you kindly." Hanging up he grinned at the thought of seeing his best friend again.
He called the consulate to see when Fraser got off. With this answer he went to surprise his best friend.
He was standing sentry duty again. The third time this week alone. It seemed like nobody could do anything to please the Inspector lately, especially Turnbull. He knew she wasn't entirely to blame. As time went by he had grown crankier and everyone was short tempered. Many times he had wondered if it was the heat or the humidity or something. He knew he had only a few minutes left and could hardly wait to go home. The thought of the relaxing walk back to his apartment was uppermost in his mind. He usually worked the day shift and got off at four but the Inspector was trying to minimize the trouble he caused her by making him work until eight.
He saw a familiar green Riviera coming down the street and frowned. The Riv? Had he asked Stan for a ride? He didn't think so; perhaps Stan wanted to talk to him. But Stan had stopped driving the Riv on a regular basis the last time they had replaced the damaged car, saying it was too risky. He watched the Riv out of the corner of his eye as it pulled to a stop and a man got out. His heart fluttered as the man stepped around the car and walked toward him.
Oh dear. It couldn't be Ray; he was still undercover, with no end in sight. That has to be Stan, driving the Riv for some reason. Stan. Not Ray. His brain knew that wasn't fair. After all, Stan was making it possible for Ray to be safer while doing his job and he shouldn't have to compete with the memory of Ray. But his heart had another story to tell. Part of his heart resented Stan for being here while Ray was not. He tried not to show it and hoped Stan had never seen it. He had even managed to consider Stan a friend in his own right. Still, it wasn't the same.
"Hey Benny."
Oh dear. That definitely sounded just like Ray, Maybe he was hallucinating. He didn't even dare turn his eyes to the man beside him as the clock rang eight and the end of his shift. Blindly he opened the door to the Riv and sat down.
"Benny?"
He closed his eyes. Oh dear, I'm seeing him, I'm hearing him. He inhaled . . . and I'm even smelling him. What a strange hallucination. The only person who had ever appeared to him this way was his father and he was dead. He didn't want to think about that. The only person he had hallucinated was dead and now he was hallucinating Ray. No, Ray couldn't be dead. Couldn't be. When he opened his eyes, a face was watching him, concern showing in its eyes, a few centimeters from his own face.
"Benny?"
He blinked. Green eyes stayed focused on his own blue. Green eyes . . . dark hair! . . . very little dark hair!! "Ray? ," His voice cracked with emotion. "Is it really you?"
Wordlessly he reached out to touch the hallucination, afraid it would disappear or turn into Stan. As his hand reached the hallucination's face, Fraser was quietly pulled into a hug. When the hug ended, he held Ray's hand and didn't let go. And for now it was enough.
Very little was said as Ray pulled away from the Consulate, Benny's hand still in his. Ray drove to Fraser's apartment without having to ask. He could not let go of Ray's hand for fear that the hallucination would depart and he would once again be alone, even Ray as a figment of his imagination was better than the emptiness of no Ray. When they pulled up to his apartment Benny asked quietly, "Coming up?"
"Of course."
As soon as they were both out of the car they unconsciously grabbed onto each other's hand. Nothing on earth would have convinced either of them to let go.
Ray had intended to talk to his friend, to catch up on the changes in his life and to try and cheer him up since he seemed so sad, but Fraser seemed content to just sit near him and be there with him. He decided to give Ben some time and work slowly toward finding out the problem. After all, it had to be a shock to suddenly have the Real Ray Vecchio back. Soon Willie dropped Dief off and this reunion took a while. Before Ray realized it, hours had passed and he fell asleep, feeling safer then he had in a long time.
At approximately the same time Ben fell asleep also, exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Ray woke slowly and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He gasped as he realized that he didn't know where he was. "Hmm . . . " He unconsciously used Benny's relaxation technique. Fraser . . . yes, he wasn't Armando anymore and he was in Ben's apartment . . . Benny's warm body leaning against his on the couch. They had fallen into an exhausted sleep and slept, still touching, the whole night. Being next to Benny, after the cruelty and viciousness of Armando's associates, made him feel dirty and inhuman. When he shifted to stand up, Benny felt it.
"Ray" he murmured still asleep, but becoming agitated. Ray ran his hand through Benny's hair, whispering soothing words in his ear until he relaxed. Borrowing a towel from Benny, he went to take a shower.
Once in the shower the tears had been unstoppable. Six and a half months of pent up and hidden emotions burst out of him at once. The fear of living undercover; the pain of leaving his family; the sorrow he knew he had caused Benny by leaving without warning; the fear that whoever was sent to cover him would replace him as Benny's best friend; joy at seeing Benny again; anxiety over Benny's reaction to seeing him; relief at being Ray again; fear of not being able to stop being Armande; anger at six months of undercover work for nothing; resentment toward those who had made all his efforts worthless; worry over Benny and his family while he was gone . . .
It was only when he ran out of tears that he noticed how freezing the water was and turned it off. Feeling empty and hollow he got dressed and went back upstairs.
He woke up startled. "Ray? Ray!" His heart crashed as his eyes opened--He must have fallen asleep on the couch during his hallucination--Why had he woken up? --He had dreamed that Ray had been there to pick him up--instead of Stan--Ray had been safe--Ray had been here--Ray was gone--again--It hurt so much--and now it was just Stan--and he tried not to resent him for it--and oh, but sometimes he did--and he knew it wasn't fair--because it wasn't Stan's fault--that Ray wasn't here--but it was--and no, he shouldn't do that to Stan. Realizing that Stan would be here shortly to pick him up for work, he stood up and began to get ready. But soon the tears forced him to a stop; they kept welling up as he thought about another day--another day alone. He was standing there crying when the door opened.
Opening the door to Benny's apartment, he saw Benny slumped on a chair in the kitchen, tears running down his usually peaceful face. He ignored Dief's enthusiastic greeting and raced to Benny's side.
"Benny! What's wrong? What happened? Tell me, please. Are you okay? Are you sick? Hurt?"
He looked Ben full in the face, one hand on his shoulder, the other hand rubbing his arm in an attempt at comforting his friend. When he touched Ben's arm, he realized that Ben was shivering and pulled his friend into a tender embrace, whispering softly he said, "Benny? Whatever it is I promise I'll try and make it okay. Just tell me what's wrong. It's going to be okay." He kept whispering until he felt Benny stop trembling.
"Ray? Is that really you?" Fraser said, his voice full of wonder and slightly strained from tears.
"Yeah Fraser, it's me. What you think I'm a ghost or something?" Suddenly, Ray understood. "Like your father? No, I'm here and this time I'm not leaving." He thought a little then said reluctantly, "Unless . . . unless you want me to leave." He rushed to finish before his own tears started up again.
"No! No, I don't want you to leave. Ever." He finished forcefully.
Diefenbaker picked this time to begin pawing at Ray, hoping for a donut. Ray reached down to hug the wolf happily. As Dief pushed him onto the couch he began laughing and gave the wolf a hug. "Yes Dief, I missed you too. Or are you just looking for a donut?"
At this the two good friends began laughing like innocent school kids. It wasn't really all that funny but laughing was better than crying. When they were finally able to stop there was a second or two of awkward silence. Then they both tried to speak at once.
"Fraser."
"Ray."
They both stopped. Then Ray said, "Mounties first."
"Ray, What happened? Are you back for good? Do you have to leave again? Is the case over? Is it safe for you to be here? . . ."
"Hold on there Fraser, one question at a time. Yes, I'm back for good. I finished the debriefing yesterday, just in time to pick you up . . . "
When Ray finished telling his saga, he found himself holding Fraser's hand again. He didn't care and Fraser didn't seem to mind either. From there it just seemed logical to be even closer. Ever so softly, two pairs of lips touched for just an instant. For an instant they were both unsteady, too unsure of what was happening to really enjoy the kiss, then they both relaxed slightly, letting themselves go, and the kiss deepened. After a little longer this was not enough and both Fraser and Ray wanted, no, needed more. In a flash of sensation Ray found his shirt being unbuttoned and simultaneously began working at Benny's uniform.
Once he had Ray's shirt off Benny had to touch him, to make sure he was really here. "Oh Ray, it's really you. You're really here."
Hearing his best friend's words brought Ray back to reality with a crash. He was sitting on Ben's bed, undoing Ben's uniform, or rather trying to, as he had only managed to undo a few buttons on the red serge. What if Benny was just happy to see him? He knew his friend was too nice and would do anything that Ray wanted or needed. He didn't want to take advantage of Benny. Never of Benny. Either way he had to be sure that Benny wanted him the way Ray realized he wanted Benny.
"Benny, Wait a moment. Stop."
"Ray, what's wrong?" Benny blinked, trying to clear his head.
"I don't know. I mean two weeks, two days, two seconds ago this would have been the last thing I expected. And now everything is different. I want you, Benny. I just want you to make sure that it's not just friendship or guilt or something. I don't want us to regret this. I want to be sure before we go any further and I want you to be sure too."
"No, wait, let me finish." Anticipating his friend before he could interrupt, "How 'bout this. We'll sleep on it tonight and tomorrow, tomorrow we'll see how we feel."
"Ray, I know what I . . . " Benny began to say.
"No Benny, I need to be sure and so do you. We'll talk tomorrow." He stood and walked to the door, ending any further protests.
"Understood. Good night, Ray. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, Benny. And don't worry. Even if you change your mind I'll still be your friend as long as you want me to be. See yeah tomorrow, Benny. Night Dief."
The door closed behind him as Ray walked down the hall, fighting the urge to run back into Benny's arms.
When she learned Ray was back, Francesca called Fraser. She was disappointed to learn that he already knew of Ray's return and was about to ask some pointed questions until she remembered why she was calling.
"Listen Frase, I was sorta thinking we should celebrate. You know, have a party or something."
"That sounds like a good idea, Francesca. What did you have in mind?"
"Well, I was thinking that we could have it here, say about noon? Can you get off for lunch or something?"
When he told Inspector Thatcher of Ray's return, he obviously caught her in a good mood for she gave him the rest of the day off too.
The small party had been thrown together quickly. Everyone wanted to celebrate Ray's return. The instant he walked in the room, he was surrounded by people. Everyone wanted to touch him, like he was a good luck charm or something. Welsh patted him on the back heartily and Huey shook his hand.
He was looking around for Fraser when someone came up behind him and pulled him into a kiss. He relaxed into it until he realized it couldn't be Fraser, not in front of everyone at the station. He opened his eyes, "Louise?"
Ray was surprised by the mob but then he was in the middle of the hurricane. Everyone wanted to talk to him, to hear him, and coming from a large Italian family this wasn't a reception he got very often. Sometimes he felt more alone than Benny, growing up in the wilderness with grandparents who were cold and unfeeling. Speaking of Benny, where was he? Ray's eyes searched through the room to find that now both familiar and yet utterly foreign red uniform.
Ben hadn't wanted to intrude on Ray's homecoming. He wasn't that good with large crowds at parties. Keeping an eye on Ray, Fraser saw Louise kiss him. When the kiss continued, he felt empty. Ray must have changed his mind. As the realization hit him so did the pain. He couldn't stay here. Not now. He had to leave.
Searching for Benny, Ray thought about the kiss they had shared. It had felt like kissing his mother or one of his sister's kids. Well not really, but comfortable and natural, not strange at all. Like this was how things were supposed to be, the pieces fit. Benny was at the edge of the room watching with his pale, ice-blue eyes. He looked overwhelmed and . . . hurt? Ray realized Benny was edging toward the door. Oh no. He's leaving. Did he change his mind? More than anything, Ray realized, he wanted to talk with Benny. Even if Benny had changed his mind, Ray desperately wanted him as a friend. As Benny left the room, he started making his excuses and headed after him.
He was almost to the last door when it opened and Stan entered the station lobby. "Hey Fraser, you wanna do something for lunch? There's a new restaurant up on-Hey, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Ray. Ray!" Fraser looked behind him, startled. "Ray, you shouldn't have left the party, it was in your honor." He knew he was very close to babbling incoherently but he couldn't let Ray see he was hurt. He didn't want Ray to feel sorry for him and maybe do something he wasn't ready for.
"Party? In my honor? What are you talking about? I just got here." Stan realized Fraser wasn't talking at him but to the guy walking toward them.
"Who are you?" He asked the man jogging toward them.
As Ray followed behind Fraser, trying to catch up to the Mountie, he saw him stop to talk to somebody. The undercover detective part of him that was still on overdrive looked the guy over: spiky blond hair, blue eyes, sort of scrawny looking, a bad dresser. Irrationally he felt himself getting angry. How was he supposed to settle things when he couldn't get any time alone with Benny? He realized he had been asked a question. "Huh? What'd you say?"
Fraser sure had some strange acquaintances. "I said, who are you?"
"I'm Detective Raymond Vecchio. Who the hell are you?" If only he and Benny could sit somewhere and talk without everyone interrupting.
"No, I'm Ray Vecchio. Who the hell are you?"
They both turned to Ben. "Fraser? Who is this idiot?"
Fraser looked a bit startled. "Ray, this is Ray." He could see that didn't help. "Well Stanley Raymond Kowalski. He's the one who kept your cover while you were gone."
"Let me see if I've got this right. I risk my life to go undercover and they replace me with him? He's the closest they could come to someone who looks like me? Who would buy it? Geez, anybody who saw me more than once would know that this is not me."
Now Stan found his voice. "Well you know what? I'm soooooo sorry that I don't meet with your official, sanctimonious expectations, but I did manage to maintain the cover, which is more than I can say for you . . . "
"You little. . . . Are you trying to insinuate that it's my fault the cover was blown?" Unconsciously falling back on the skills he had been forced to acquire as Armande, Ray could dish out better than he received.
Soon both Rays were screaming at each other.
"Ray, Ray, RAY, RAY!!"
Two faces turned to him at the same time, "What?!"
"Okay, that's it. Stan, wait here. Ray, come with me." He dragged Ray out to the Riv. "I'll be right back." He walked back into the station.
"I've been working my ass off to maintain a cover for him?" Stan continued as if he'd never been interrupted.
"Yes."
"Great, the least he could do is be grateful, little piece of . . ."
"Ray, don't forget that while you were here, relatively safe around people who did their best to help you maintain the cover, he was around people that would have killed him at the slightest sign that he wasn't who he said he was. And although I'm grateful for what you did and you really became my friend, I won't let you badmouth him."
"Fraser. Aw shit, I gotta get to work. Look, I'm sorry if my getting mad at him hurts you. I guess I'm a little jealous cause now that he's here everyone will stop pretending to be my friend. You, Francesca, everybody."
"Look Ray, we're all grateful for what you've been doing, even Ray, and we won't stop being your friends, okay?"
"Okay, you coming to lunch or what."
"No, I've got the rest of the day off."
"Oh. Well, I guess I'll see you later then."
"Indeed. Goodbye, Stan."
When the door closed after him, Stan muttered to himself, "Well, that's one less friend."
Fraser headed to the Riv. Ray was sitting in the driver's seat, turned sideways. He was talking to Dief, who had stayed with Ray when Fraser went back to talk to Stan. Benny stood near the car's door, trying not to listen as Ray told Dief just how scared he was that Fraser had changed his mind. Surprised, he quickly got into the passenger seat of the Riv, but Ray didn't seem to notice.
When Ray finished the story, he leaned down to give Dief a hug. He tried to keep tears from rolling down his face.
"Oh, Ray," someone said softly, beside him. He whirled, and now it was his turn to be drawn into strong, warm arms and comforted.
"Ray, it's okay. I haven't changed my mind."
"Benny." His voice almost cracked.
"Shh. Ray, it's okay." He suggested a ride in the Riv. He thought that being in the Riv, as they had been so many times before, might help them both calm down.
In the Riv, part of Ray automatically relaxed. How could anything go wrong now? He had Benny and the Riv and everything would be okay.
"So, um, Benny, um, about last night . . . "
"Yes Ray?"
No help there. "So what happens to us now?"
"I don't know Ray. I mean, I want to go in this new direction, but part of me is still afraid that I'm going to wake up and you'll be gone."
"Well, if this is a dream, don't you dare wake me up. But seriously, Benny, this is for real, nothing could make me leave you. Not now, not ever."
"But Ray, you did leave me. No warning, no explanation, you just left, remember?" He hadn't meant to say that, but there was no taking it back now.
"Yeah Benny, I remember, but that was before I realized how I felt about you and before I knew how you felt. And I'm sorry. I didn't know that you would find out that way. I thought Welsh would be able to tell you, to explain."
"But why did you go in the first place? Was it something I said or did or didn't say or didn't . . . "
"Benny, no." He interrupted "It wasn't you. Not like that. The opportunity came up and they needed an answer really quickly and . . ."
"And?"
"And I thought about you and I wanted to do it because it would be the right thing to do, you know, I wanted to make you proud of me, and I knew that you would have gone."
"But Ray, I was already proud of you. I still am. You don't have to prove anything to me."
"See Benny, I didn't realize that until I left and then I realized that I liked myself better around you, that you made me a better person. And that's when I realized that . . . " He couldn't continue.
"Realized what, Ray?"
"That's when I realized that I, I mean I found that I, I, I love you Benny." He paused, closed his eyes for a moment. When his words weren't granted a response, he forced himself to turn and to look at his friend. That was when he noticed that Benny had turned a ghostly pale, his eyes wide, empty and unseeing. His arms wrapped around himself, Fraser was very very still. Ray noticed subconsciously that his breathing was very slow and faint, almost nonexistent. Taking his hand, he asked "Benny?" trying to keep the approaching hysteria from flooding his voice.
It was that hysteria that drew Fraser out of his thoughts and back to the present. He forced himself to try and respond. Fighting his own panic he was able to push out, "Could you repeat what you just said? I'm not sure I heard you correctly." --Had Ray really said 'I love you?' What if he had heard wrong? What if he had heard right? Had Ray said he loved him?
"Um . . . I said 'I love you Benny.' It's okay though, I understand if you don't love me. Really it's okay." He babbled. A hand grabbed his, holding it tightly, almost painfully tight, until his ramblings slowly ground to a halt.
"Ray." Why was it so hard to talk, to say what he was feeling? He took a big breath and tried again. "Ray, How do you know?"
"Huh?"
"How do you know that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Vic-Victoria said she loved me. I thought she did. I--"
"Benny, no. Victoria didn't love you. I don't think she really knew what love is. I think she was scared. Scared of herself and what she was becoming. I think part of her wanted to love you, but the part of her that was full of rage, full of anger, was too strong. She hated you for loving her. That destroyed any chance you had to get through and change her."
"So how do you know, Ray?"
"I know because, cause I just feel it, inside, you know? Like when I wake up in the morning and my first thought is of you or how I missed hearing your stupid Inuit stories and watching you pick things of the ground and taste them. I know because I hold doors for old ladies and say 'Thank you kindly' for no reason except that I know you would do the same. It's hard to explain but I let you talk me into things. Hell, I blew up my car for you, didn't I?"
Fraser was unsure how to respond. His own past relationships . . . his father, his grandparents, Victoria, Meg . . . had failed miserably.
"Benny? Are you okay?"
"But Ray, that's what I mean. How many times have I almost gotten you killed? Asked you to go out of your way to bring me something? And as for the Riv, I forced you to blow it up not once, not even twice, but three times. How can you be my friend after all that, much less love me?"
A surly remark almost found its way out of his mouth before he realized that Fraser was completely serious.
"Benny, friendship isn't a scorecard and neither is love. I love you for so many reasons I don't know where to begin. Because you make me a better person. You should know that I've loved you for a long time, as a friend. Hey, Benny, you okay?"
He could hear the concern in Ray's voice. He and Ray had become close friends extremely quickly. They had been through so much; things that could easily have torn them apart. Yet each time, they had dealt with whatever it was and moved on. Fraser realized that Ray was closer to him than anyone else in his life. Closer to him then Victoria, who he had thought he loved, closer to him than his father, there had always been Ray. With the dawning of this realization came the truth: He loved Ray.
"Ray, I think I love you too."
Ray was so surprised by this that he said the first thing that came to mind. "You think?"
"No, I know. I love you too, Ray."
They were both moving closer, lips almost touching, when people exiting the station reminded them of where they were. Ray started the Riv. and with a questioning glance at Benny asked, "When do you have to be back at the Consulate?"
Ben's voice held more than a trace of amusement as he replied, "Tomorrow. The Inspector gave me the rest of the day off, in honor of your return."
"Oh, really? I'll just have to thank the Dragon Lady the next time I see her then."
Benny and Ray had been together for a week and a half. They both had busy lives and so the time they had together now was even more precious. After a while, Ray realized that it was time to take things to the next level. How long can two adults who truly love each other not go any further than kissing and touching? Eventually something else would have to happen, but he wasn't sure how. Ray was sure that Benny would die of embarrassment before he managed to raise the stakes. Somehow he would have to get over his own nervousness and insecurities and bring up the subject.
One night while they lay on the bed holding each other after a long night on a stakeout Ray made his decision.
"Benny?" He murmured, stroking the arm that had wrapped itself around his waist.
"Yes, Ray?"
"Uh, have you ever had a relationship with a guy before? I mean the mechanics and stuff?"
He could feel the surprise in Fraser's body as Fraser turned onto his side to face Ray, startled by the question.
"No, I haven't . . . Have you?"
Ray reached up and traced the sweet curve of Ben's jaw. "No. I mean, as a cop I know more than I ever wanted to about certain topics, but most of those were, like, rape cases. Beyond that, well, I mean being straight it's not something I ever thought about."
He paused but Fraser didn't say anything. Fraser's silence was beginning to make Ray uncomfortable; had he said something wrong?
"I'm not gay. Before, I've always been attracted to women. I'm still attracted to women but . . ." he paused awkwardly, unsure if continuing was such a good idea. Even though Benny still hadn't said anything Ray felt he had no choice but to continue.
"But I know I love you, Benny." The look on Fraser's face assured him that it had been the right thing to say.
"I love you too, Ray," his voice cracking with emotion.
"Oh Benny, it's just that if we're going to go any further," he threw a glance at Benny's face, "then I want to make sure we're on the same page. I don't want to hurt you."
"Ray, I'm sure that whatever we do, it'll be okay. I know you'd never hurt me. But I agree that we should be prepared before we go any further. Anatomically speaking, suitable positioning and proper lubrication would greatly increase pleasure and minimize discomfort."
As Fraser began to ramble Ray stopped him with a kiss and inquired, "Let me guess, book in your grandmother's library?"
Fraser was about to reply but decided that this conversation was better left for tomorrow, after some much needed rest.
For Ray, sex with Angie had always been more of a chore, especially toward the end of the marriage. Angie had never enjoyed sex, what she wanted was children. As their relationship deteriorated, her desire for a child had only increased. Although they had sex more often, it had become clinical. Part of him had been terrified that she would get pregnant. It had been obvious that their marriage needed help, first, before a child. In the end the divorce had been the best thing for both of them. They were closer friends now than when they were married. With all the forethought going into sex now, Ray worried that it would damage his relationship with Benny. Soon, however, there was only Benny.
Awakening earlier than he had intended, he carefully disengaged himself from Ray's sleeping figure and stood by the window. He thought about how his life had changed. For most of his life he had been alone. Always alone. Last night had overturned years of loneliness. Lost in thought he didn't hear Ray getting up until he felt a touch at his back as two arms wrapped themselves around his waist and a soft breath whispered into his ear sleepily, "Problem, Benny?"
He shifted in order to turn into the arms holding him as he said, "Not at all Ray." Then, after giving Ray a tight hug, he allowed himself to be led back to the bed, falling asleep, still secure in Ray's embrace. No longer alone.
They hadn't been together very long when Ray's mother had insisted Ray invite Benny over for dinner.
"Raymondo, invite your friend to dinner. You both need a good home cooked meal. I will cook some for his dog too."
" Ma, we eat fine," Ray protested.
"No, you no eat fine. I know the hours you work you don't eat a decent meal. And Benton, he doesn't have a mother to cook for him."
"All right ma, I'll see if he wants to come." He replied, partly to stop talking about Benny with his mother, afraid he might let something slip.
"Good, your cousin, Randy will be here."
"Ma! Not Randy. You want to match him up with someone who spent time in jail for malicious mischief? She's worse than Frannie; she won't eat dinner, she'll devour Benny. Besides he's . . . never mind." Oh dear, he almost slipped and said 'he's already taken.'
"Ray, she's your cousin and besides that wasn't her fault . . . Never mind what, Ray"
Once they had made love it was inevitable that they would have to tell people. Not everyone, but Ray's family and probably Lt. Welsh and Inspector Thatcher. They had discussed how to tell these people about the new turn in their relationship. Benny had felt that when it came to telling Ray's family it should be up to Ray. If Ray wanted him there at the time Benny would be there, if not, Benny wouldn't interfere.
Ray didn't relish the idea of his mother forcing one of his cousins on Benny. They were even worse than Francesca. And Benny was Benny. Even if Ray didn't love him that way he still would have tried to protect him from this. He soon realized that there was only one way to deal with this situation. He was going to have to tell his mother that he was in love with a man. Otherwise even if he managed to save Benny from this feminine ambush there would always be the next one and the next one and on and on. Besides, Ray didn't enjoy lying to his mother so he might as well tell her now.
"Ma, there's something I gotta tell you."
"Yes, Raymondo?"
"Uh, I'm not sure how to say this . . . " he began awkwardly.
"Caro, you can tell me anything, you know that."
"I love Benny." Damn, he hadn't meant to blurt it out like that.
"What? I don't understand. Of course you love him. I love him too, he's family."
"No, Ma, that's not what I meant. I love him."
At first there was no reaction. Then he could see the change in her face as it sank in.
"Raymondo, no. It can't be."
"I love him."
"To love him like you believe you do, it's a sin. You know that. The church says . . . "
"I don't care what the church says about this one Ma. I love him."
"Stop this foolishness right now. Please talk to Father Behan. Go to confession, you will see that what you feel for him is like a brother. Nothing more."
"It won't do any good to talk to him, Ma. I know how I feel. I love Benny. Can you accept that?"
"No, it can't be. Consider what you are doing. Turning your back on the church. You must give this up."
"Can you just be happy that I'm happy?"
"What you do is a sin, Raymondo. I will not tolerate it."
"What are you saying Ma?"
"You must give this up."
"Don't do this to me, please! I need him. I love you but I can't stop loving him. I don't want to stop loving him."
"You have made your choice. I will not condone it. I will pray for your soul."
Ray watched helplessly as his mother got up and left the room. He yelled, "Ma wait!" But she didn't turn around. By the time Francesca came home Benny had arrived for what he thought would be a normal Vecchio dinner.
"Benny," he whispered as Francesca went upstairs, "Ma knows."
Fraser was shocked. "Ray, are you . . . did she . . . oh dear."
Ray laughed harshly, "She . . ."
Francesca came down the stairs calling for him. "Ray, what's going on?"
Telling Francesca didn't go well either. "Come on, Ray. Tell me what's going on. I walk in and Ma's crying. All she said something about you being in love and went into her room. Who is it?!! Come on tell me. Tell me."
Ray opened his mouth to explain but flustered, closed it again.
"All right then. Fraser, you'll tell me, won't you? You must know and I can make it worth your while . . . " she said attempting to mold her body against Ben's, breathing seductively in his ear. Ben's eyes pleaded with Ray's for help.
"Aw Frannie, knock it off already." Ray finally regained his voice, coming to his lover's defense.
"So tell me who it is." Frannie asked, reluctantly detaching herself from Ben. "Is it Louise? Someone new? Come on, Ray, just tell me. Do I know her?"
Ray gulped, "Frannie, can you just shut up and listen to me for a moment?" Dragging her to a chair Ray forced Frannie to sit, kneeled down next to her and took her hand in his. "Frannie, listen to me, okay?"
Nervously Frannie nodded, "What's wrong Ray?"
"I. . . I'm in love with . . . I'm in love with Benny." Afraid to look at her face, he rushed to continue, "I love him and he loves me and I just hope you can understand and be happy for me, for us." Finally he risked a glance at her face expecting confusion and anger but still hoping for the best.
He was completely unprepared to see the blind rage on her face. So much hate within a face that had until a few minutes ago held humor and laughter. His first instinct-to back away from that hate-would have sent him falling backwards had it not been for the support of Ben's legs behind him, and a hand grabbing his to squeeze support. Ray leaned against Ben's leg for a moment to regain his balance.
"Bastard" like an epithet hurled at him, hurting almost physically. "I was happy and you couldn't stand that. You had to ruin my happiness by stealing him."
Ray sat down under the barrage of his sister's angry words.
"You're just like dad!"
That, strangely enough, hurt the most. Ray didn't have good memories of his father. He was so numb that he didn't notice her hand coming toward him and would have been slapped had it not been for Fraser stepping in to intercept her rage with his equally angry reply.
"How dare you say that to him? Can you really think he told you to make you unhappy? What makes you think he stole me from you? There was never an "us" except in your head. You can either get over it and move on or you can let this ruin your relationship with your brother. I love Ray and there's nothing you can do that will change that. The only person you are going to hurt by being mad is yourself." He didn't care what she said to him, he was willing to bear the weight of her anger as long as it stopped her from hurting Ray more.
Francesca stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
Ben turned to Ray. "Are you okay?" Francesca's words had brought out Benny's protective instincts toward Ray. He had seen each word hit Ray like daggers, biting to the core just as Francesca had intended.
It was all Ray could do to shake his head in response. Still numb, he allowed Benny to lead him out of the house where he had grown up. For once he didn't argue when Benny took the keys from him. Benny drove to his apartment and pulled over at the curb. Ray was so numb that he just sat there until Benny opened the passenger door and helped him out of the car and up the stairs to the third floor apartment. Fraser maneuvered Ray through the hallway and into the apartment, taking Ray's jacket and hanging it up on his way to sit Ray on the bed.
It terrified him that Ray hadn't said anything. At all. Nothing. One of his favorite things about Ray was his expressiveness. Ray wasn't afraid to say things. He didn't hide behind a wall, afraid to feel. This silence was so unlike Ray, as was his utter lack of motion; the voluble Italian was always in motion. His hands, his facial expressions were never still. Until now.
He watched Ray carefully. Hands down by his sides, shoulders slumped down, he stared straight ahead, unseeing. It was as if his battery pack had been removed, draining him of power.
He had spent the night at Fraser's to recover and give his family some time to accept the news. Since he didn't have to work the next morning, he got up early to stop by his house after dropping Benny at the consulate. He didn't tell Benny what he was planning to do. He had to do this by himself. Besides, he wasn't going to put Benny through that, since he knew Benny would want to come to support him. As he drove up to his house, he saw Maria outside, next to several boxes.
"Maria? What's all this?"
"This is all your stuff. You're supposed to take it and leave. Ma says that what you're doing is a sin and she won't let it into her house."
Part of Ray wanted to cry out 'but it's my house' or 'how can love be a sin?' but instead he just nodded, picking up several boxes and carrying them to the car. When he returned to get the rest of the boxes she said, "Frannie refuses to speak to anybody about it. She just stays in her room crying."
"And you Maria? Instead of telling me how everyone else is feeling why don't you just tell me how you feel?"
Without a word she turned and went back into the house. Walking back to the car, he pulled out onto the street as quickly as possible. As soon as the car was out of sight from the house, he pulled over. His hands shaking, Ray tried to maintain his dignity. His father appeared sitting beside him, "Coward. You never were good for anything. Look at you, the sniveling crybaby, whimpering cause his family don't like his fairy boyfriend. Why don't you just find some two-bit whore and get laid? That'll bring you back to your senses."
No. He couldn't break down. He wasn't going to let his father get to him. He had to be strong. He wouldn't let his father or his family make him lose the best thing in his life. When he had recovered slightly, he realized he couldn't stand the thought of being alone right now and drove to the Consulate again.
Ray half stumbled into the room, feeling heavy and stiff. But he stopped when he passed the doorjamb. Looking at Benny's desk, he saw that Benny was almost hidden behind large piles of folders and papers. He turned to leave but it was too late. Benny had seen him.
"Ray!" The pleasure in his voice was evident as he spoke. "Wait."
As soon as Ray walked into his office, Benny knew something was wrong. He knew that Ray was still upset about the night before, but this seemed to be something else, something more, something worse.
He jumped out of his chair and maneuvered his way to where Ray was leaning against the wall, eyes squeezed shut, his fists tightly clenched against his sides. With one hand he pulled Ray off the wall and held him, gently inquiring into what was wrong. At first, Ray fought his embrace, too keyed up and numb to feel anything. He had to be strong. He wasn't a coward.
Soon, however, Benny's warmth and love and concern seeped into him. Benny felt the change in Ray and managed to support the extra weight as Ray sagged into his embrace with a quiet, painful whimper.
Since he had only one chair and didn't want to let go of Ray, Ben closed the door with his foot and sat on the floor with Ray still in his arms. Wrapped in Ben's arms, Ray began to feel again. There was hurt and confusion and more than a little bit of disbelief.
Benny watched Ray's face closely, hating the tension and sadness he saw there. When he felt Ray was able to answer, he asked what was wrong. As Ray haltingly told him what had happened, Ben held him tighter.
"Ray, I'd understand if you decided this was too much. Your family loves you, Ray. I know you still love them." Saying this Ben realized that he did mean it. Even if it meant not being with Ray, Ben wanted him to be happy.
"Benny, no. I can't live my life for my family. I have to do what's right for me. And now and forever that's you. I love you. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. It just hurts, you know. Like maybe every time they said 'I love you' it was a lie. Or maybe loving somebody isn't enough."
"Ray, listen to me. I don't claim to understand much about family love. But I know that I love you. I don't say that lightly and in fact I've never said it to anyone before. You were the first person who ever, ever said they loved me and meant it. I couldn't begin to tell you how much that means to me. And I know that I would rather die than hurt you. Ever." He hadn't intended to make a speech but Ray's need to hear the words right now outweighed any possible discomfort to himself.
Even in his shocked state something caught Ray's thoughts. "What! You mean your parents never . . ."
"Well my mother died before I could really have any memories of her and my grandparents didn't believe in that kind of thing."
"What about your father?"
"Well, yes, I loved him, but I never told him."
"Why not?"
"He was hardly ever there, and when he was, I guess I didn't think he'd want to hear it. He always told me to be strong."
"Oh Benny, no." The more he thought about it the angrier he became. So angry that he forgot about his current problems with his family.
"Ray, its okay."
"No, it's not, Benny. That's horrible. Your mother dies and even your father can't bring himself to love you?" Ever since he had first heard about Benny's childhood it had angered him. Ray's childhood hadn't been the best either but at least he had known that his mother and his sisters loved him. Benny had been so lonely. It hurt to think of Ben, six years old, his mother dead, his father off who knows where, being raised by grandparents who hadn't been ready to raise a child and didn't have a clue as to what to do with one now.
"I know he loved me. Really, he was just raised that way. To be strong and not cry. Not to show emotions at all."
"Benny, do you think I'm weak?"
"Of course not, Ray."
"Good. Showing how you feel, letting others know when you feel hurt or sad or angry or anything else, it's not weak. Loving someone is a sign of strength. I don't ever want you to hide your feelings from me. If you're sad, I want to know about it. I can't make you feel better if I don't know you feel bad, right?"
"Yes."
"Does it make sense to hide how you feel so that you feel worse when by showing it you could feel better?"
"Well, I guess not."
He vowed to always show Benny that he was loved and needed. He already took every opportunity to hug or just touch the Mountie. Besides being naturally physically affectionate, he realized he was trying to make up for the early years Ben had gone through with little physical or emotional contact.
Of course he wasn't being entirely selfless here, either. Truth be told, he enjoyed hugging Ben. There wasn't anything like the safe, loved feeling of going to bed in Benny's arms.
What Ray didn't realize was that the same situation applied to him. Ben knew that as much as Ray loved his mother and sisters, even after they had hurt him, he had always wanted, perhaps even needed, the love and support of his father. Sadly enough he hadn't received it. A lot of Ray still felt subconsciously "not good enough," Ben tried to make sure that he told Ray how proud of him he was and every time Ray gave him an insight into a problem he tried to make sure and mention it. Others may have thought him some kind of genius freak but Ben knew that he was only doing what he had been trained to do. Ray's way of saying something that completely shattered Ben's preconceptions and allowed him to see the truth had been instrumental in creating that genius persona. Many of his acquired skills hadn't transferred well to life in Chicago.
For about ten minutes they sat there, just holding each other. Ray glanced at his watch and realized the time. Disengaging himself, he stood up.
With a small smile he said, "Thanks, I needed that. I can see you've got a lot of work to do so I'll let you get to it, okay?"
"Okay, but Ray?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, Benny."
Three weeks had gone by with no word from his family and reluctantly Ray had come to the realization that his family wasn't going to accept his choice. He didn't regret telling them; his relationship with Benny was too wonderful to keep under wraps around the people he had thought loved him as much as Benny did. Hiding his love would have been worse than this though. The lack of honesty would have damaged their relationship and worries about getting caught would have led to arguments and fights. If his family could not see how much he needed Benny then that was their problem. Nobody was going to come between them.
Originally they had planned to tell Thatcher and Welsh when the moment was right, but after the reactions of Ray's family they decided to wait before telling their respective superiors. They were usually very careful about their behavior at the consulate or the station. The last thing they had counted on was having the issue forced by getting caught.
When Benny woke up that morning, he was alone in the bed. Stretching, he looked around the room for Ray. He spotted Ray in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee and stroking Dief. On the table next to him was a bright, flat package tied with a simple bow. Benny stood up and wandered over to the kitchen.
Ray looked up as he entered the kitchen. "Morning, Benny"
"Good morning, Ray. You're up early." He replied, fixing himself a cup of tea.
Ray shrugged, "Couldn't sleep. You know what today is?"
"Friday, November 8th, I believe." Had he forgotten something important?
"And that makes tomorrow?"
"Saturday, November the ni-Oh!" Now he understood perfectly. Tomorrow would be Francesca's birthday.
"Yeah" Ray replied miserably. "I miss her, Benny, I miss them all. Even Tony."
"I know, Ray. I'm sorry." He put his hand over Ray's and squeezed tightly wishing he could do more.
"It's not your fault."
Yes, it is, he thought. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't be in all this pain right now. "I'm still sorry." He changed the subject to avoid an argument. "That's for her, I assume."
"Yeah, I hope she talks to me long enough to open it."
"Hey Frannie, what's up?"
"Go away, Ray-sorry-Stan! I'm not in the mood for . . . " Francesca sighed. She should be used to calling him Stan by now but she was still in shock.
"Whoa hold up, I just wanted to say hello."
"I'm sorry, Stan. It's not your fault. I didn't mean to bite your head off."
"Okay. Hey, what's wrong, really?"
"It's this whole thing with Ray and-and- him." It was difficult to think about it much less say the words out loud.
"Him? Fraser? What happened?"
"He and Ray are-god, I still can't believe it-they say their in love."
"So?"
"What you already heard?"
"No, I could just tell. I mean the way they act around each other, it's obvious that they care for each other, what's wrong with that?"
"But-"
"But what, Frannie?"
"But it's not fair. I loved him first."
"Did you really? You don't have any claim on him you know."
"I guess."
"So why are you mad at Ray?"
She shrugged.
"Frannie, how would you feel knowing that you would be loved only as long as you lied? That you had to hide how you felt among the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally?"
"That's not true, I . . . "
"Isn't it? He didn't have to tell you, he could have hidden it. Instead he tells you, showing that he respects your opinion, hoping that you would accept him, and what do you do? You throw him out of your life. You have to decide whether you love Ray for Ray or because he has the same parents as you do. Listen, I gotta get to work. Just think about what I said, okay?"
"Yeah, whatever."
H e was nervous but determined. If Frannie didn't accept the gift, he would do his best to not let it get to him. Ever since they had told her she had avoided him at work. When he needed a file, he asked one of the other civilian aides; it was better for him than trying to talk to Frannie. Every conversation he had with her, stilted and awkward as they were, hurt, inside. But today was her birthday and even if she didn't want him to, he still cared. No matter how much she hurt him, she was his sister, and he loved her. He had to give her the present and wish her happy birthday for himself.
He intended to go straight to her desk, to get it over with. Otherwise, he might chicken out from the anticipation. He had stopped at his desk to put his stuff down when Kowalski came up behind him.
"Hey Vecchio, you got a minute?"
"Uh, sure. What's up?" He wasn't chickening out, this was work he told himself.
"I'm not asking your permission or anything but if I asked Frannie out do you think she'd say yes?"
"Look, Kowalski, I'm not the person you want to ask. See, Frannie's mad at me right now and . . . "
"I know. Cause of you and Fraser. It's . . . "
Knowing what he was going to say, Ray interrupted before he could finish. "Forget it, I don't wanna hear it. Your opinion doesn't mean squat. What's between Benny and me is between Benny and me. It's not anybody else's business." Ray was becoming enraged here. Wasn't there one person who could be happy for them? Or at least who wouldn't condemn them?
"Hold up there, Vecchio. That's not what I was going to say. I'm happy for you. I got to know Fraser while you were gone. I know how much he missed you while you were gone, okay? I think the two of you are a cute couple. You just fit together."
Ray was shocked. He couldn't complain to Benny; he didn't want Benny to feel guilty and the Mountie blamed things on himself as it was, no matter how many times Ray told him it wasn't his fault. Finally having a sympathetic ear, Ray found himself telling Kowalski all about his family's reaction.
" 'Some people are so narrow minded that they can look through a key hole with both eyes at the same time.' [Zig Ziggler.]"
"Hey, that's still my mother your talking about."
"I'm only kidding. One spout of wisdom and then I'm outta here. When one door closes another opens. But sometimes we look so regretfully at the closed door that we don't see the one which has opened for us.' [Alexander Graham Bell.]"
"What are you trying to say, Kowalski?"
"Don't get so caught up in feeling bad over your family that you lose what you have with Fraser. You know as well as I do that he's gonna blame himself."
Ray thought about that for a moment. Maybe that's why Benny liked Kowalski. "Thanks, Kowalski."
"You're welcome. I'll see you later." He turned to head to his own desk.
"Hey, Kowalski?"
Stan turned around, "Yeah?"
"If you ask her, I'm pretty sure she'd say yes. In fact I think she already likes you."
He approached her desk and said preemptively, "Frannie, listen, before you say anything, just open this first. Happy Birthday, okay?"
She opened the box slowly, as if she expected something to jump out of the box and bite her. Inside the box was the deed to the house. She looked at Ray in confusion.
"Anyways with what happened and all, I wanted you to have it, just in case something happens, cause I know you can support Ma if she won't let me do it any more."
He turned away and was walking back to his desk when he heard her say, "Ray, wait."
He turned to face her and saw her eyes were already red and tears were running down her face.
"Frannie? What's wrong?"
"Ray, oh Ray, I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean . . . I," she blew her nose loudly, further distorting her words, ". . . mad . . . please . . . sorry . . . forgive me?" He could barely understand what she was saying through her sobbing but it was enough to make his heart jump in joy. He was across the space between them in a second, giving her the biggest, tightest hug imaginable.
"Ray, I . . . can't . . . breath . . . need . . . oxygen."
He relaxed his grip just enough to allow her to breathe but did not let go. "Frannie, I love you."
"I'm sorry, Ray."
"It's okay, it's okay. I forgive you."
For a while he stood there, not willing to let go, letting the embrace wash away three weeks of anger and hurt. Then he felt her pull away and saw Benny had arrived.
"Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll leave." Benny took in Francesca's reddened eyes and Ray's agitated expression, and grew concerned.
Ray started to reply, to allay the worry in Fraser's voice, but Frannie beat him to it.
"Benton wait, it's okay. I owe you an apology too. I'm sorry for the way I reacted and what I said." She finished awkwardly.
He could forgive her for hurting him, but it would take a while before he could forgive the hurt she had caused Ray so he simply said, "All right." He turned to Ray, "Ray, if you want to hold off on lunch so you and Francesca can. . . . "
"Go ahead, Ray. I have some more work to do. We can talk more later."
"We're okay now, right?" he asked, passing her a box of tissues from Huey's desk.
"Yeah," she laughed, "we're okay"
Ray walked out of the room and out of the station without looking at or touching Fraser, keeping him nervous. Once in the safety of the Riv, however, with a quick glance around, he pulled Fraser into a hungry kiss. It was like pouring all their previous energy into one never-ending assault on Fraser's senses. When they broke apart Ray couldn't keep a stupid grin off his face.
"Benny, I think it's going to be okay. First Frannie and soon Ma will accept things and Maria n'Tony will do whatever she does. Everything's gonna to be back to normal."
Fraser wasn't as optimistic but for Ray's sake he desperately wanted things to work out. "I'm glad, Ray. I hope everything works out the way you want it to."
"Benny, love," he said, pulling him in for another kiss, "how hungry are you?"
"Why do you ask, Ray?"
"Well, I thought we could go to your office and celebrate, seeing as you have a door and all. I'm too happy to eat."
Since Fraser was agreeable to this, they soon arrived back at the Consulate. It was a good thing Turnbull had sentry duty and the Dragon Lady was nowhere in sight, Ray thought, because in his excitement he could barely keep his hands off Fraser. Once inside Fraser's office with the door closed, Ray grabbed Benny and held him against the wall. Pressing his body close, he tilted his head, tossed the Stetson on the desk, and gave Fraser a deep kiss.
"I love you, Ray."
Ray leaned against the desk as Fraser sat down in his chair. He related the mornings' events, utterly aroused with passion and energy. Sparks seemed to scatter from his body like visible waves of energy. Seeing Ray so happy and excited was infectious and Benny became aroused as well. They had never even kissed in his office before, for fear of getting caught. This morning, this moment, was too special to be passed by. Fraser stood up and this time it was he who initiated the kiss. As they held each other and kissed and touched, their erections fitting together, quiet moans filled the room.
Suddenly the door was opened as Inspector Thatcher walked in. For once she was speechless. The moment they realized someone else was in the room, Benny and Ray pulled apart unabashedly, but not without some remorse. When they realized who it was, they were shocked. They had both assumed it was Turnbull, instead they saw . . .
"Inspector Thatcher!" Oh dear.
"Shit!"
"Uh, I thought . . . you would be . . . at lunch . . . I needed to . . . uh, was going to leave this . . . on your desk."
Worried on how this could affect Fraser's career, Ray was finally able to elaborate on his feelings. "Uh Inspector, about this, um what you saw . . . "
"Constable," she said, completely ignoring Ray, "what you do on your own time and who you do it with, as long as it doesn't affect your duties, is not important. Just make sure to keep your personal life separate from your professional."
"Understood, sir." Fraser said with relief.
Ray waited until the Inspector had left the room and was out of hearing before he spoke, "Oh my god Benny, I'm sorry."
"Ray, it's not your fault, I should have told her before. Besides she took it well, and I'm sure it won't affect the way she treats me."
"Of course not. She already treats you like garbage anyway. Great! Just great!!"
"Ray, it could have been worse."
Ray couldn't stay in a bad mood today. "Sure, like if it had been Turnbull instead? Would'a knocked his little Mountie socks off, that's for sure."
"That's just silly, Ray."
Stan had watched with a smile as Ray and Francesca made up and that smile grew as Ray left with Fraser. Perhaps now he could ask Frannie out without worrying that she was comparing him to her fantasy of the Mountie. Maybe now he stood a chance.
It was her first day back working at the 27th precinct. Elaine felt a bit strange walking into the precinct after all this time. She nodded to Huey and was on her way in to see Lt. Welsh as she glanced around and saw Fraser with a man she didn't recognize at Ray's desk. She decided to stop by and say hello since she was early.
"Hey Fraser, what's up?"
"Good morning Elaine, how are you?"
"Me? I'm fine, and how are you." Dammit Elaine, calm down. You don't want to embarrass yourself. Just because he's as gorgeous as ever doesn't mean that you can't control yourself.
"Oh, I'm fine." I'll just bet you are. Actually, I don't think I've ever seen you this fine. There's, I don't know, some kind of tension that I'd never noticed then that isn't there now. You'd have to look very close but something's different.
"I'm glad to hear you were assigned to this precinct. This is Ray Kowalski."
"Thanks, I was too. So you're the one who took Ray's place, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too." He paused, then turned to Fraser, "What the hell? Fraser, did everyone know?"
"Language, Stan. Elaine worked here as a civilian aide until right before Ray went undercover. She's a friend."
"Oh. There's Francesca, I gotta go." He sprang up and was gone before either of them could say anything.
"They make a cute couple."
"Indeed."
Elaine smiled at him then looked at her watch. "I have to see Welsh but I'll see you when I'm finished?"
"All right."
Elaine sighed. As always there were no obvious signs showing the nature of Ray's relationship with the fetching Mountie. Ever since her own return to the station she had begun to wonder about Fraser and Ray. Just because they spent an inordinate amount of time together didn't mean there was anything going on, she thought, they always had. But they were always so close physically as well. Even now as the Mountie stood in front of her desk clearing his throat, there was Detective Vecchio leaning unconsciously toward him. Two more millimeters and the fabric on their respective clothing would be touching. Now it was Ray's turn to clear his throat. There, now the fabric of Ray's Armani suit was definitely touching Fraser's outfit.
Maybe it's just Ray's relatively recent return, she thought. After all, even Lt. Welsh had been happy to have Ray back and he wasn't exactly Mr. Warm and Fuzzy. Why shouldn't they still be that happy to see each other? They had been partners well, unofficially of course and hadn't been able to communicate for over six months. That was a lot of time in any friendship especially when one friend was continuously in danger and the other couldn't do anything about it. But it had been more than a couple of months since Ray's return from his undercover assignment as Armande Langostini. Their relationship should have been back to normal by now. And that didn't explain why Fraser's hand lingered just a moment too long on Ray's shoulder when sitting at the computer.
One time they had been standing in front of the bulletin board chatting about a posting someone had placed complaining of the theft of donuts in the department. Both men had looked down at Diefenbaker and continued talking. Then one of the janitors had walked by, slamming into Ray so that he began to fall. As she had expected, Fraser had quickly prevented Ray from falling but had ended up almost hugging him. Holding him just a little too long, he had set Ray upright with a soft sigh. Ray had been smiling and calmly accepted the man's apology to everyone's surprise. The more time he spent around Fraser the more polite he had become and more level headed too.
"Elaine?" At the sound of Fraser's voice she started. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, Fraser, what can I do for you?"
Maybe it was just jealousy on her part. She looked up into those clear, blue eyes. Please let me be wrong. Ray leaned over her desk and placed a file in front of her, leaning slightly into the Mountie. The small smile in Fraser's eyes at this point renewed her internal debate.
"Vecchio! Get in here and bring the Mountie."
"Oh dear."
Lt. Welsh rationalized, well, the Mountie really wasn't all that bad, he had dragged Ray no, Stan back when IAD thought the entire station was dirty. He and Ray had done some good work, saved a few lives, and God knows the Mountie had had a calming influence on Vecchio. Oh, he still blustered and argued just as much as before but Welsh knew that underneath it was a peacefulness that had been lacking for quite a while. The last few years before the Mountie Welsh had been afraid that he would lose a good detective as Vecchio burned out or upset one too many bigwigs. By now he knew that Vecchio and the Mountie were more than just friends but he didn't consider it a problem.
"You wanted to see us, Lieutenant?"
"You wanted to see us, Lieutenant?" Walking into Welsh's office Ray had a bad feeling. Without Fraser's presence behind him he would have turned around and left.
"What's going on, Detective?" There was no misunderstanding what Welsh was really asking.
"Uh, I don't know what you mean, sir," Ray said as he risked a glance at Benny. Fraser's eyes seemed about to jump out of his head.
"Are you and Constable Fraser involved?"
"Uh?" Ray couldn't seem to work his mouth.
"Yes or no, Vecchio?"
"Yes, but . . . "
"Save it, Vecchio." Welsh cut him off with a wave of his hand. "Stop. I ask because I'm hearing a rumor. It was no secret that you and Francesca were . . . estranged. I hope I don't have to tell you that making your relationship open is risky. It's better to keep something like this personal."
"Leftenant, if I may . . . "
"No, Constable, you may not. Now, privately I wish to offer my congratulations and I'll make sure you're notified ASAP if anything were to happen to Detective Vecchio. May I ask who you plan to tell at the station, if anyone?"
"Well, sir, all of my family knows now. Frannie's the only one speaking to me. Stan knows and really he's been great. I'm pretty sure Elaine suspects already and Inspector Thatcher already knows. I," he glanced at Benny with the question, "was planning to tell Elaine and Huey. Beyond that, I can't think of anybody who really needs to know. What do you think, Benny?"
"That's fine, Ray. I must say Leftenant, I'm gratified by your reaction."
"This is Chicago. I've seen and heard a lot worse things than two people in a relationship. Dismissed Detective."
Benny's "Thank you kindly." overlapped with Ray's "Yes sir." as they walked out of the office.
"Talk about a relief, Fraser."
"Yes Ray."
"Why don't we take Elaine out to lunch and tell her you're off the market? It'll break her heart poor thing." Ray joked.
Elaine took the news remarkably well. With her suspicions confirmed she wished them the best of luck. After a few more minutes of conversation she pulled Ray to the side and said, "You're a very lucky man Ray. Don't blow this one, okay?"
Ray gave her a hug. "I won't."
"Good," she turned to face Benny. "I have to get back to the station. Thanks for lunch."
Ray was sipping his coffee. "I wish Ma had taken it that well." He said wistfully. "She always said I could tell her anything. I guess . . . "
"Ray, I wish . . . gunshots."
Running outside they could see a crowd gathering. As they turned the corner, they could see one officer trying to keep people out of the way while the other called for backup. Both uniforms were young and unsure of themselves. When Ray showed his Detective shield, they were obviously glad of the help.
"How do you wanna handle this sir?"
"Okay first things first, what's your name?"
"Bruce Young, sir"
"Wonderful. Well Bruce Young, I'm Detective Vecchio and this is . . . "
"A Mountie?"
"Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father, and for reasons that do not need exploring at this juncture, I have remained, attached as liaison at the Canadian Consulate."
"Now that we all know who's who, why don't you tell me what's what Young?"
"Yes, sir. There's at least two gunmen. At this hour they've probably got a handful of hostages. We're not sure just yet. We just had lunch there and were on our way out the door when everything hit the ceiling. If they'd waited a few more minutes before going in they would have had two more hostages."
"Okay. Has there been any communication with them yet?"
"No sir, not yet. Uh sir? I've never done this before. I've only been a cop a few months. I've never been in a hostage situation. What should we do?"
"First let's see about talking to them." He picked up the phone and dialed the number that Young gave him for the restaurant.
"Yes?" A harsh voice answered. "What do you want?"
"My name is Detective Vecchio. What's your name?"
"Why should I tell you anything?"
"I just need something to call you, buddy."
"Rand."
"Okay, Rand. I'd like to settle this without anyone getting hurt. That includes you."
"Why should I trust you? You work for them."
"Them?"
"Yeah, the cops."
"How about if you talk to this guy right here." He gestured to Fraser. "You can trust him. He's a Mountie."
"Uh . . . okay . . . Yeah."
Ray was uneasy about being in charge. He didn't really have all that much experiences with hostage negotiation. Fraser, on the other hand, could sweet-talk anyone into doing things. If anyone could resolve this situation with no hostages being hurt, it'd be Benny.
He turned at the sound of more cars arriving. The cavalry had arrived. As he turned back to Fraser he heard Fraser agree to move out into the open. Ray argued against it but there was really nothing he could do. Fraser had managed to build some trust between himself and the terrorists. Ray yielded and Fraser moved from behind the relative safety of the police car.
The Feds appeared and declared themselves in control. Now Ray really got worried. Every time the Feds had been involved in a case they had almost ruined it. Instead of giving Fraser a chance they ordered the SWAT team to maneuver into position. The gunmen had five people hostage, two of them children. Benny convinced the gunmen to let the children go. They were quickly checked over by the waiting paramedics and taken to safety. Now only the father, a woman and an elderly man were left inside with the gunmen.
When two of the SWAT team members said they had clear shots on the gunmen the Feds gave them the okay. Ray swore softly in Italian as he heard the first shot. It hit the closest gunman, obviously killing him.
The second bullet, fired directly after, hit the other gunmen in the leg. Bleeding severely, he turned toward the hostages and raised his gun. Benny began to move immediately. Ray felt as if he were watching in slow motion as Benny moved to intercept the gunman.
The shot that killed the first gunman and wounded the other gunman severely seemed to come from out of nowhere. Running on instinct Benny moved to protect the hostages. He felt a burning sensation first, like a flame had entered his body at his shoulder and passed through his chest. As he collapsed to the ground it felt like he was trying to breathe underneath a heavy weight. In the chaos, the female hostage moved beside him as he fell. The gunman pushed the two male hostages into a back corner and ducked out of the view of the police.
With half of his mind recoiling from the sound of the gun firing Ray cursed himself for not having done something to prevent this. If he could have, he would have shot the bastard right now without a second thought. He watched and almost collapsed in dismay as he saw Benny on the ground a couple of feet in front of him, knocked down by the force of the bullet hitting him in the side and careening through his chest.
Ray's heart sank as he saw the pain Benny was in. He started to rush to Benny's side when he felt someone holding him in place. Someone was saying something about the terrorist but Ray could only focus on one thing, Benny was hurt and he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't go and be near Benny, he couldn't take the pain away, he couldn't even hold his hand, without risking Benny's death.
"Ray?" He heard Benny cry out weakly.
"Ray, it hurts." Benny's body was wracked by coughing. Coughing up blood, Ray could see. His face collapsed. God, how he wished he could trade places with Benny, take the pain away, no matter what it took.
He remembered the last time he had left Benny. It wasn't until he had been sent undercover that he had begun to realize just what the Mountie had come to mean to him. Fraser hadn't just been Ray's best friend, he was the best part of Ray. Even those Inuit stories, dumb as they were, he had come to depend on.
Disoriented, Benny tried to get up but between the pain and the blood and the dizziness could only push himself up until his elbows collapsed and refused to go any further. The pain was becoming unbearable until he thought of Ray. Ray who always had time for him who didn't have walls so strong he couldn't break through. Ray, the first person to tell him directly, "I love you" and not think of it as a sign of weakness. The first person to whom he could say "I love you too" and not be afraid.
"Ray? Ray, it hurts." He could barely even hear his own words. He tried to clear his throat but he began coughing up blood. He felt someone's hands holding him still. Even disoriented he could tell it wasn't Ray.
Ray didn't see what happened with the second terrorist but he didn't exactly care. The instant he knew the guy was dead Ray raced to kneel beside Benny.
Above him a disembodied voice said, "My name is Carol. I'm a nurse. I'm gonna do my best to help you, okay?" as hands touched him insistently. "What's your name?" Carol asked as she looked him over.
Benny was too distracted to answer. "Ray? Is Ray okay? Ah!" his body was in agony as he tried again to get up.
"Sh, you've been shot, you have to stay still now." A hand, low on his arm kept him from moving. He desperately wanted to get up but the pain and the restraint was too much for his weakened condition.
He was disoriented and almost in shock. Ray should be here. Something was wrong, otherwise Ray would be here. A burst of noise reinforced his belief that something was seriously wrong.
The noise quieted slightly and abruptly Ray was there, holding his hand. "Benny, can you hear me? I'm right here."
"Ray?" Knowing Ray was there, Fraser knew everything would be okay. Finally he could relax. Ray would take care of everything.
"It's me, love. You're gonna be just fine." Ray squeezed his hand gently, looking beseechingly at Carol, "He has to be okay."
"You must be Ray. I'm Carol; I'm a nurse." Her words didn't reach him.
Ray kept babbling as he watched Benny. Then he saw the wound. The blood was so red, red just like Benny's red serge, like part of him, like he was destined to always be hurt. His world became blurry as tears rolled down his face. "I love you, Benny. You know that don't you?" Ray pleaded.
"I . . . love you . . . too." His voice was so faint that Ray could barely hear him.
He realized that the woman was speaking to him and turned to her, "What?"
"My name is Carol. Can you tell me his name?"
That was an easy question, wasn't it? Wasn't it? "Benny. Uh, Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police."
"A Mountie? In Chicago?" She asked to distract Ray while she worked on Benny.
"Yeah, he came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of his father, and for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, he has remained, attached as liaison at the Canadian Consulate." Ray repeated the monologue since rational thought was too difficult at this point.
A small growl at his side announced Dief's arrival as he laid his head on Ray's knee staring woefully at Fraser on the ground. Somehow Dief's presence helped keep Ray from falling apart. He continued holding Benny's hand and stroking his face while murmuring trivial comforts. It didn't occur to him to care how Carol might react.
Fraser was drifting in and out of awareness as only Ray's voice and touch anchored him to fight to stay consciousness. The paramedics arrived and began to treat Fraser and Ray had to let go and allow them to work on Benny. Having lost his connection to Ray Benny opened his eyes with effort. When his eyes focused, he was horrified. Instead of being able to take comfort in Ray's eyes he was seeing a terrifying vision. "Victoria?" The horror made him even paler and he lapsed into unconsciousness.
Carol turned to Ray in confusion. "Who's Victoria?"
With people all ready taking care of Fraser, Ray's mind was clearing slightly. "She was heartless evil." He said as he watched the paramedics place the injured man on a stretcher.
He felt Dief rub against his leg and reached down to stroke the soft fur. "He's gonna be fine, Dief. Just fine."
Rubbing against Ray's hand Dief whined in sympathy. Ray almost had to smile at the comfort he was receiving from a wolf. When he met Fraser, he had been terrified of dogs. Now, he was almost as attached to the wolf as he was to its master. In a moment of clearness it occurred to him that Dief wouldn't be allowed on the ambulance.
"How is he Ray?" a voice behind him asked.
He spun around, "Elaine? He's going to be fine." He said, desperately, as if saying it would make it so. "Listen, I'm going with the ambulance, can you take Dief home?"
"Sure, Ray. You just worry about Fraser, okay?"
"Thanks." He climbed into the ambulance, reaching for Fraser's hand immediately. With Fraser unconscious, holding his hand did nothing but keep Ray from going insane. Carol sat beside him, talking to the paramedic. Ray let the conversation drift around him, not able to do much beside talk to Benny and stroke his face during the ride.
The ride to the hospital seemed to have taken only a fraction of a second. At the entrance to the trauma room he let himself be pulled away as a nurse led him to a chair. People began pouring into the room as he waited outside and prayed.
"Excuse me, sir."
He looked up, "yes?"
"He's stabilized. Are you family? We need someone who can consent for the surgery to remove the bullet."
"He doesn't have any family. I have power of attorney. I can sign the consent." The fear returned as Fraser went into surgery.
From there it was several more hours of pacing the waiting room in near panic. The more time passed the more Ray felt he was going crazy. He became dizzy with worry and sat down to clear his head.
He thought he saw his mother coming toward him and began to wonder if he really had lost it.
"Caro, can you forgive me?" She asked.
"Ma?" Then he did lose it as she pulled him into an embrace. The fear and worry he'd been trying to contain let loose in the safety of his mother's arms, something he never thought he'd feel again.
Ray came to with his head in her lap as she stroked his face, wiping the tears away, murmuring softly in Italian. He managed to pull himself together enough to question her presence.
"I've been praying that you would somehow stop this. Talking with Father Behan and Father Bob convinced me that it would be a bigger sin to abandon one of my children when they need me. I hope for your sake that Benton will be all right."
A bigger sin? For my sake? Much of his hope was dashed at his mother's unintentionally cruel words. "Ma, I never asked for your consent or permission, and I won't. I love him, plain and simple. I need to know what exactly you're trying to tell me here. Can you accept both of us? Can you accept him as more than just my friend?"
"I understand that it's not my decision; you are an adult. But I can't deny that I still wish you would change your mind, I always will. I can't condone what you're doing, but I do love you. As for Benton he is not my son, you are."
"I love you too, Ma. But I won't have Benny hurt. If you say or do anything that hurts him, you hurt me, too. You liked him before all this, has he changed in any way? I'm still the same person I was before I fell in love with him, although I'm a lot happier and more secure too. Why does who I love change that?"
"Raymondo, I was raised to believe in the church. I can see that Benton makes you happy. But the church says certain things, such as your divorce and what you have with Benton are sins. I cannot believe otherwise."
"He does. With Benny I'm happy. Not just okay but truly happy. Ma, I'm not going to change my mind. Not about Benny. But I want you in my life too. Can you do that?"
"I can try, caro."
Ray wasn't thrilled with how the conversation ended, but this compromise between full support and utter condemnation was a good beginning. "Maybe with some time Ma'll come around and accept me an' Benny." Ray said to himself. "I mean she's come this far, why not a little further?"
An hour and forty-five minutes later Fraser was out of surgery. Somebody had informed Inspector Thatcher and she was there when the doctor came out to talk to him after the surgery.
"Constable Fraser made it through the surgery just fine. We were able to successfully remove the bullet. The closeness of the shot caused rather severe burns to his skin along with moderate soft tissue damage. Overall though, the damage could have been much worse. Barring infection or other complication he should be out of here in a few weeks with no permanent effects besides some scarring."
"Thank you. Thank you very much Doctor." Ray shook his hand and was unable to stop himself from hugging the doctor and a passing nurse. He even managed to hug Inspector Thatcher before he realized what he was doing and pulled away in embarrassment. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I was just . . . "
"It's all right, Detective. I understand. Just, uh, just make sure it doesn't happen again." She turned and left.
By the time Fraser was settled in a room and Ray was able to see him it was near eight. As he walked in the door, he could see that Fraser was still asleep. His expression was calm, as if he was dreaming of something peaceful. With great care Ray pulled a chair as close to the bed as he could.
It was slightly awkward to hold Fraser's hand in his hunched over position, but Ray had to reassure himself that Fraser was there. He could feel the pulse in the hand he held. It felt steady and strong, warm and dependable. If it wasn't for the surroundings, he could almost convince himself that nothing had happened. He listened to the soothing sound of Fraser's even breathing. The regular rhythm of heartbeat and breathing were comforting.
Eventually he must have fallen asleep. He felt every muscle complaining as he stood up to stretch but his aches were completely forgotten as Fraser began to wake up. Still a bit groggy, his face lit up with a large, tired smile when he saw Ray.
"I love you." The words came out like gravel.
Ray turned and filled a cup with water from the pitcher on the table. He handed the cup to Fraser and tried to smile. "I love you, too." He managed with only a slight waver. "I was so scared. I didn't know if you were gonna be okay. It terrified me. I don't know what I'd do if-" He couldn't continue.
"But I didn't. I'm okay." With everything he'd just been through, Fraser was more worried about Ray than himself.
"Yeah. You're okay." If he focused on that right now, the rest would work itself out.
Over the next few days his life returned to some semblance of a routine. He got up, stopped by the hospital, went to work, stopped by the hospital during his lunch break, went back to work, went home, and then he went to the hospital again for the rest of the day. Sleeping at the hospital was exhausting. The third night he tried going home at night but he lay awake for several hours before he fell asleep. Shortly he was trapped in a nightmare where Fraser wasn't okay. If it wasn't for Dief, Ray was sure he would never have gotten back to sleep. It was difficult having to sleep by himself again. Thankfully Welsh understood, and Huey and Dewey were carrying most of his normal workload.
Ray sat watching Fraser sleep in the cold, sterile hospital bed. He should probably go home but he couldn't make himself leave. Besides it wasn't like he was getting any sleep alone either.
He glanced up as the door opened and a pretty blond came in hesitantly. She saw that Fraser was asleep and her smile collapsed. In less than a second she looked like she was going to cry.
"Hey, are you okay?" Before becoming friends with Fraser he probably wouldn't have asked but now he couldn't not try and help.
At her startle he realized that she hadn't even been aware of his presence. "Is he okay?"
"Yeah," He thanked God and the universe once again. "He's going to be fine."
"Who are you?"
"I'm Ray Vecchio. And you are?" He realized that he was at his most charming, almost flirting, out of habit.
"I'm Maggie Mackenzie, his sister. I've met Ray Vecchio and you definitely are not him."
Exhaustion and worry combined into anger. He was so tired of having his identity questioned. His voice rose, "Try again. He doesn't have a sister, he's an only child. Lying to a cop isn't smart. Why not try the truth this time?"
"Don't think you can threaten me."
Their loud argument was broken by a sleepy voice asking, "What's going on?"
"It's okay, Benny." Ray said, dropping a kiss to Fraser's forehead as he glared at their visitor. "Just trying to get some straight answers."
Fraser's eyes widened as he noticed the other person in the room. "Maggie! How are you?"
"I'm fine. How are you?" she spluttered.
"Getting better." Still a bit foggy, he didn't understand what the problem was.
She turned to Ray, "See?"
Ray's startled expression finally connected with Fraser. "Oh, that's right you two haven't met. Ray, this is my sister Maggie." She grinned. "Maggie, this is Ray Vecchio." Her grin faded.
"But he can't be."
"He was undercover. The man you met was really Ray Kowalski."
Ray regained the use of his mouth. "Sister?"
"Well half-sister really. Her mother . . . her mother never told my father."
"Oh." Ray didn't really understand but he knew Fraser would tell him the full story later.
They made small talk for a while until Fraser yawned. "Oh, I'm sorry." He blushed.
Ray stroked his arm gently. "Why don't you rest a while now, hmm?"
Fraser started to protest but his words were interrupted by another, larger yawn.
"It's okay. I'll be in town for a couple of days. Go ahead and sleep. I'll come see you again tomorrow."
With a small smile on his face, he was asleep again in no time.
Ray sat silently for a few minutes watching him sleep before saying, "I think we should start over. Hello, my name is Ray Vecchio. Would you like to get some coffee from the cafeteria and talk?"
"I'm Maggie, Benton's sister. I'd love to."
". . . and so I was reinstated. When I heard, I came as soon as I could. What happened?"
"We were having lunch with a friend when two guys took hostages nearby. He was talking to them, trying to end the situation peacefully." He paused for a moment before continuing, "It didn't work."
"And the gunmen? You got them, right?"
"One of them was killed instantly; the other one shot Benny. He died a short while later." He focused on the Styrofoam cup between his hands. "I couldn't get to him."
"The gunman?"
"No, Benny. He was on the ground, hurt and in pain and I couldn't help him." His voice cracked as he stared into his coffee.
She waited patiently until he could continue, suspecting there was more to this story. He was in too much pain. Could they have been more than friends? She remembered his manner to her brother earlier. The tenderness in his voice and manner was unmistakable, as was the kiss.
"One of the hostages was a nurse and she was able to take care of him until the paramedics could. She saved his life." And mine too, he added silently.
She reached for his hand across the table. "I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts to see a friend in pain. I'm glad you were there for him."
"He's my best friend. He's everything." When had that first happened?
"You love him very much, don't you?"
"Yeah." He looked up, startled.
They sat for several more minutes, not saying anything. "I'll come by and see him tomorrow."
"Okay. See you later then."
"Good-bye."
". . . and then I put her in a cab to the airport. I was going to tell you about her but that night and then later . . . Well, with everything else that was going on it didn't even occur to me that I hadn't mentioned her."
"It's okay, I understand. I'm glad though. You deserve family. Although now I guess, you have two sisters."
"Two?"
"Yeah, I think Frannie's finally given up and accepted you as a brother. She and Kowalski are really hitting it off."
"I'm glad. They deserve to be happy. So do you, Ray."
He shrugged. "That's up to Ma. Not to change the subject or anything but are you going to tell her?"
"I don't know. I love her, but I don't really know her. I don't want to lie to her but I have no idea how she'd react."
"I'm not telling you what to do. It's your choice. I just wanted to know how to act around her. I think she suspects but she didn't seem like she'd be very upset at the idea. Whatever you want to do is okay."
"Thanks, Ray. I appreciate . . . good morning Maggie. It's nice to see you."
"Good morning, Benton, Ray. How are you feeling today?" It was nice to see some color back on him.
"I'm fine."
"Um, I'll give you two some time to talk." Ray left the room.
"He really does love you, you know?"
"I know. I love him too."
"Good. I'm happy for the two of you."
"Maggie?"
"Yes?"
"When I said I loved him?"
"Yes?"
"I mean I really love him. Ray and I are . . . "
"I understand. I'm okay with it. I can see how he feels about you. He couldn't exactly hide it. He's good for you."
"Thank you, Maggie that means a lot to me."
"Ray!" The relief in his voice was obvious as he relaxed slightly.
Ray looked around expecting to see some sort of danger but saw only the nurse. She was short and delicately built. There were no visible threats but Fraser was noticeably agitated. The visible parts of his body were flushed red, the rest of him was covered by the bed sheet that he grasped tightly in both hands. His expression equal parts terror and embarrassment, Fraser looked like he was caught in the headlights of a runaway train full of sleeping Mounties.
"Sir, if you'll just calm down, I'm sure . . . " The nurse tried to reassure him.
"Nurse, could you give us a few minutes?"
"Of course."
As she left Fraser let the sheet drop and grabbed his hand. Ray could feel his heartbeat racing and was glad to sense it slow down as Fraser took several deep breaths, trying to regain his normal demeanor.
"What's wrong, love?" Ray squeezed his hand comfortingly.
"Ray," Fraser hissed, "She wanted to give me a sponge bath."
Ray was stunned silent for a moment. "A sponge bath?" He repeated, relieved but trying to sound serious. "She wanted to give you a sponge bath?" He couldn't keep the laughter back any longer.
With the air of the much imposed upon, Fraser waited patiently until Ray stopped laughing. "I've been in the hospital before. This is the first time a sponge bath was involved. She was coming onto me, Ray."
"I'm not surprised. You're beautiful, you know?" He smiled and winked, urging Fraser to catch the humor of the situation.
"But she doesn't know me."
For such an intelligent man Fraser could be curiously blind sometimes, Ray thought and decided to elaborate. "She doesn't have to. You're breathtaking on the inside but the outside's not shabby either."
"You think that because you love me. She only sees the outside. I'm still not used to women being so aggressive."
"Well, you know," he said in a confidential whisper, "if I didn't have it on the best of knowledge that you were already taken, I would throw myself at you, too." Fraser's love had made him confident enough to joke about what had once terrified him.
Calmer now, Fraser was beginning to see the humor in the situation. "Then I guess I should be glad that I'm already taken."
Ray laughed. "Yeah, very glad, and very taken." He kissed Fraser quickly. "I have an idea. I'll be right back."
"Okay."
Thanks to Fraser's reaction, Ray was easily able to convince the nurse to let him give Fraser the sponge bath. "Mission accomplished, Benny."
"What mission?" Fraser asked suspiciously.
Ray pulled the sheet down to the edge of the bed with another grin. "I will be giving you your sponge bath." His humor was infectious and the sponge bath became a playful tease.
"Everything looks good. Seems to me like you can be released tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? That's wonderful. Thank you, Doctor."
"Yeah thanks, Doc." They both smiled.
"You're welcome. Try and take it easy for a few days, hmm?" Obviously the doctor was familiar with Fraser's chart: shot here. . . stabbed there . . .
"I'll make sure he does." Ray promised.
"Good. I'll stop by tomorrow for a final check and then if all goes well you'll be released."
"Thank you kindly."
"Thanks, Doc."
The sounds of his exit overlapped with the ringing of a phone. "Oops, thought I turned that off." Ray muttered as he pulled his cell phone from his pocket.
"Hello? . . . Frannie? Slow down. I can't understand when you talk so fast. Okay, now breathe. That's good now what were you saying? . . . He did? What did you say? . . . That's great. I'm happy for you. When's it gonna be? . . . That soon? . . . Yeah, I guess you're right . . . Okay, yeah, tomorrow actually." He glanced apprehensively at Fraser, "I don't know Frannie . . . One question? . . . okay . . . I promise already. Now get off my phone." He laughed as he hung up and turned to Fraser.
"Guess what!"
"Sounds like good news."
"It is! Stan proposed to Frannie. They're getting married."
"That's great. Have they set a date?"
"Oh yeah. Get this; Christmas Eve."
"That soon?"
"Well, since they've both been married before they just want something small. You know, family and a few friends. And this way Stan won't have to worry about forgetting his anniversary."
"If it's what they want, I guess the only thing left to do is to make sure it happens."
"If you're up to it, they're gonna stop by tomorrow night real quick."
"I'm sure I'll be fine. Did they say why?"
"Nah, just that it was important. Listen, I'm gonna go home and get a few things. I'll spend the night here that way, we can go home as soon as the doctor checks you out."
"That sounds wonderful."
"I'm sure Dief will be happy to see you. If you weren't getting out soon, I'd be tempted to sneak him in."
"Ray, I'm sure there are perfectly valid reasons for . . . "
"I know, I know. I'll be back, Benny." Ray was grinning again as he walked out the door.
For the last time Ray spent the night at the hospital, beside Fraser's side. His mind was filled with the thought of taking Fraser home where he no longer had to worry about Fraser's injuries. He would take him home and things would be, finally, back to normal.
When morning came he had managed a few fitful hours of sleep. Several of the nurses came by to say goodbye. By the time the doctor came to check Fraser out for the last time, it was almost noon. Ray decided to wait outside, intent on getting the car and being ready to go as soon as possible. On his return he sat outside the room, waiting.
"He's lucky to have you."
"Huh, what?" He was surprised to see Carol standing in front of him. "Oh, hi Carol. But you've got it all wrong. I'm the lucky one."
"Compromise. You're lucky to have each other."
"Yeah I guess you're right. So, what's up?"
"I heard that he was being released today. I think most of the nurses are in mourning about it."
"Oh, he always seems to have that effect on women." As they were conversing, the doctor left the room.
"The nurse will be by with the final paperwork shortly."
"Thank you."
"Mhm." With a quick nod, the doctor was hurrying down the hall to continue her rounds.
"Here, why don't you come and say goodbye. I do believe he's between nurses at the moment." He took her hand and began guiding her to the room.
"Are you sure? I mean the last time he saw me he fainted."
"We were all a little out of it that day. I know he wants to thank you."
"Well, if you're sure . . . "
"Fraser, this is Carol. She was one of the hostages. She also happens to work in the emergency room."
"Ah, now I remember. I can see now that you don't really look all that much alike except for the hair. Thank you for everything you did."
"You're welcome. I wanted to thank you for everything you did as well."
"Thank you, kindly."
There was a knock at the door and a nurse brought in the wheelchair. "Well I guess we're out of here then. Carol, I wish I could say it was nice meeting you but, well I'm glad you were there anyway. You saved his life."
"That's okay. I understand. I wish the circumstances had been different."
Fraser had spent less than a week in the hospital this time but for Ray it seemed like forever. Fraser didn't say anything but Ray could tell that the walk up the stairs to the apartment had tired him out. He also knew there was no way Fraser would rest and stay off his feet without his intervention.
"Wanna watch the Bulls game?" Ray sat on the couch and gently coaxed Fraser into sitting next to him. His presence nearby revitalized Ray as it calmed him.
"Ray?"
Ray was only half watching the basketball game on TV. "Yeah, Benny?" he said, absently.
"Are you okay? You're being awfully quiet." He turned to face Ray with a slight grimace.
"I'm fine. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed by this whole thing, you know? Having you here and safe . . . "
Fraser reached for his hand, "I love you."
"I love you too. Here, lean back." Fraser rested against Ray's chest as they watched the game together quietly.
In the third quarter Ray was startled by a knock. "That must be Frannie and Stan." It was.
"Congratulations. Frannie." He whispered as he hugged his sister. "Hey Stan, I thought I'd never get rid of her. Thanks for taking her off my hands."
"Very funny, Ray." Francesca said, sounding somewhat stiff.
Ray could sense a slight nervousness to his sister as they made small talk. Wanting Fraser to rest and needing some down time with him, Ray was rather anxious to get them to leave. "So you wanted to talk to us . . . "
Both Francesca and Stan started to talk at the same time. "You first, Francesca." Stan said with a small grin.
"Yeah, otherwise I'll never get rid of you."
"Ray, I love you."
"Ah, spill it, Frannie. What is it you want from me?"
She smiled. "You've always been my big brother. You've always taken care of everybody, even when we didn't think we wanted you to. Would you give me away?"
His jaw dropped in surprise. "Are you kidding? I'd be honored." He hugged his sister and noticed Fraser watching him with an amused grin.
"Uh, Frase?"
"Yes Stan?"
"I was, um, wondering if you, uh, you'd like to be my best man. I mean, only if you want to of course."
Now it was Ray's turn to watch as the normally composed Mountie was at a loss for words. "You want me to be your best man?"
"Well yeah. Unless you don't want to."
"I would . . . I mean . . . Yes."
"Great."
"Yeah, thanks guys." Ray tried not to seem pushy as he led them to the door.
"So now that's everybody but the guys right?" Stan paused to Ray's frustration and turned to Francesca.
"Well, we've got Ma and Maria, and there's no way anyone in my families missing a wedding so that leaves, Jack and Dewey and Harding."
"Harding?" Ray interjected, curious despite his best intentions.
"Yeah, Ma's gonna be my matron of honor, Maria and Elaine are gonna be my bridesmaids."
"We're gonna ask Huey, Dewey and Lieutenant Welsh to be ushers. I think that pretty much covers everyone. Huey and Dewey should be off now, wanna go ask them?"
"Okay. Bye Ray, Frase."
"See you."
Ray almost slammed the door in relief. "Alone at last."
He woke up to the feeling of breathing differently. It took a little extra effort to breathe because of the Mountie plastered over half his body. He had done his best to give Benny some space, afraid of hurting him. It seemed Ray wasn't the only one who missed being together. He started to stroke the course of Benny's spine across his back, careful not to disturb his sleep. In his haste to avoid touching the new scar, his fingers inadvertently brushed over an older scar.
Damn! It was still painful to think about how Benny had acquired that particular scar. He couldn't suppress a violent shudder as he saw his gun firing, as if of its own accord, at Benny. Victoria was still a rough spot to discuss, not because of anger but rather because of the guilt they both still felt. Fraser felt guilty about bringing her into Ray's life and almost leaving with her. Ray felt guilty about shooting Fraser. They had forgiven each other long ago but had yet to forgive themselves.
That shudder had awakened Benny. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. You make a nice blanket."
Resting his head on Ray's chest he murmured, still half asleep, "got a nice pillow."
Laughing gently, Ray drifted of to sleep, savoring the feeling of Ben's body close to his own.
Nothing much was happening at the precinct so Ray was delighted when Fraser arrived at the station.
"Hey Benny." He couldn't keep the smile off his face.
"Are you busy?"
"Oh yeah, I'm just bursting with stuff to do." Ray muttered.
"It can wait then." Fraser replied with his customary politeness.
"I was just kidding. What's up?"
"As best man I have certain responsibilities, correct?"
"Yeah." As usual Ray was already beginning to feel a little lost within this conversation.
"On of those, I believe, is the bachelor party wherein the groom celebrates his last night of freedom, similar to the Inuit tradition of . . . "
"Fraser, I don't even want to know. Yes, the best man is in charge of the bachelor party."
"I'm sure the two traditions, while serving the same purpose, would obviously not be celebrated the same way. I mean, the logistics of finding a caribou herd in Chicago would be . . . "
"What exactly did you want to know?"
"Well, I would like to know of any traditions specific to the American bachelor party so as to not be remiss in my duties as best man."
"Most of the details are up for grabs. The only specific requirement is a stripper."
Fraser blushed crimson. "A strip . . . " He couldn't say the word.
Ray found his embarrassment charming. "I can handle that part if you want."
"Thank you, Ray, but it would be unfair for me to delegate the responsibilities of the job."
"I'm pleased to see you up and about, Constable."
"Thank you sir."
"I assume this is about your returning to duty."
"Yes sir. While I am not sufficiently recovered as to return to active duty, I feel and the doctor concurs that I may return to desk duty."
"Very well. I-yes Turnbull?"
"Ah, excuse me sir, Constable Fraser has a phone call."
"Who is it, Turnbull?" Fraser asked.
"It's, uh, Muffy's Escort Service."
"Thank you, Turnbull, I'll be right there." He turned to Thatcher. "Uh, Sir . . . "
"Dismissed Constable."
The party was scheduled to begin at eight. Arriving a little late Ray and Stan entered the room. Fraser went behind a curtain separating the room in half. A minute later a red-faced Fraser ducked out to laughter from several sources. He turned to Ray in confusion. Ray pointed to his lips but seeing that Fraser didn't understand he pulled him aside to explain.
"You have lipstick on."
Wiping frantically, Fraser started to explain. "Ray . . . "
"It's okay. I understand." He said with a smirk.
"Enough already. Where's the stripper?"
As Fraser turned on the music and pulled back the curtain, Ray threw Dewey a dirty look and said, "Hey Dewey, your proctologist called, they found your head."
At first the stripper faced the wall, dancing to the music. When she turned to face the men, Ray was stunned. "Teresa?"
"Uncle Ray? Oh my god!" She fled from the room into the adjoining bathroom. Ray followed but wasn't in time to stop her from locking the door.
Like all the other guests Huey and Dewey stood around waiting. "Well this party's off to a raging start."
"Give the man a chance, Dewey. This is Fraser we're talking about." Huey stood to get another drink.
"That's my point, Jack. We'll probably be bobbing for moose or something."
Huey felt like giving Fraser the benefit of the doubt. "I'm sure Vecchio gave him some advice."
"Geez, that's an even scarier thought."
Ray stood at the bathroom door. "Ray? Is everything all right?"
"I don't know Benny."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Not really. Why don't you go back and finish the party? I gotta find out what's going on here."
"Are you sure, Ray?"
"Yeah Benny, I'm sure. Go have fun for me."
Stan loved his parents, but he'd never been able to talk with his father like he did with his mother. The only interest they had ever shared was the GTO. He tried again to involve his father in a conversation. "So dad, what do you think?" Unfortunately his father wasn't cooperating.
"I'm sure your mother will like her."
Stan tried to cover his frustration as he replied, "Yeah, I'm sure they'll get along wonderfully." As Fraser returned to the room Stan's eyes pleaded with him for help. "So Frase, how are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, Stan."
"Frase was shot during a hostage negotiation two weeks ago, Dad."
"Really?" Stan was shocked. He actually seems interested. Thank God.
"Yes, Ray and I were nearby . . . "
Several hours later, everyone had gone home and Ray and Fraser were left to clean up and go home.
"Did everything work out okay with Teresa?"
"I guess. Poor kid, losing her scholarship like that." Ben waited for him to continue. "Her mother was one of Frannie's best friends when we were growing up. Terry calls me Uncle Ray. All of Lucia's kids do. I hope everything works out for her."
They finished cleaning up and went home. It had been a long day and tomorrow would be an even longer one. Ray couldn't seem to fall asleep though.
"Are you worried about seeing your mother tomorrow?"
"I'm okay. We haven't really talked since the hospital. You just gotta promise me that you'll tell me if anything happens. You and I are a package deal."
"Ray . . ."
"Just promise me, Benny."
"All right, I promise."
"So have you met Father Bob? He's going to be performing the ceremony."
"We were introduced. Isn't that an unusual name for a Catholic priest?"
"Well Father Bob's always been a bit- unusual."
"How so?"
"Talking to him is like having two conversations at once. There's the conversation you think you're having but there's also something underneath that. Reminds me of you sometimes."
"Ah."
Ray laughed. "Ah? You know Fraser, you're the reason I'm on medication."
Fraser smiled back at him. "Indeed."
Settling his head on Fraser's shoulder, Ray felt arms around him tighten momentarily. "Goodnight, Ray."
"Night, Benny."
Ray felt somewhat cheated as he knocked on the door of the house he had grown up in, a house which technically he still owned. I shouldn't feel nervous coming here, I haven't done anything wrong. And yet the butterflies in his stomach were more like prehistoric mastodons. Few would be able to tell but he knew that Fraser was equally nervous. It was strange how nothing had changed physically when so much had changed.
The door opened and at first he thought no one was there. Then a small face popped out from behind the door. "Uncle Ray!"
Ray laughed, feeling some of the tension evaporate. "Hey kid, what's up?"
"Mama said you would be gone for a while. Like you were before."
Ray was startled. "I was but, uh, now I'm back."
"Oh, okay." With nothing more than that his nephew went back to playing.
"Benny, she told them I was undercover again. She lied to them." He needed this to work but if he was the only one putting forth any effort . . .
"Maybe she just didn't want to put them in the middle of anything." Even he wasn't that naive, but he wanted this to go well for Ray, and Ray wanted to be convinced.
They walked into the kitchen where Francesca was sitting at the table, having her nails done as Mrs. Vecchio finished the cooking which she had insisted on doing. Glancing up Francesca smiled. Mrs. Vecchio turned, her eyes passing Fraser with no hint of recognition to settle on Ray. She hugged him and collected a kiss on the cheek before turning back to her cooking. Ray frowned as she continued to ignore Fraser. He was about to say something when Francesca appeared at his side.
"She's trying Ray, she really is."
"I know she is, I just wish . . . "
"I know."
The sadness in her voice was a wake up call for Ray. He couldn't let this affect her or Ben. "This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life and it will be. I promise."
"Thanks, Ray."
Because the church was busy with Christmas arrangements, most of the preparations were being done at the Vecchio house. Stan and his parents were getting ready at his apartment; Ray and Fraser would pick them up after getting ready themselves. The church was within walking distance of the Vecchio house so this wasn't a large inconvenience.
Since this would be a long day and he would need to keep his energy Fraser watched the children while Ray and everybody else ran around doing the last minute stuff for the wedding.
"Uncle Benny, read me a story." The younger children were too young to be aware of the strain surrounding Ray's -estrangement-from his family.
Not for the first time Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, wondered how it had become his job to entertain the children. He enjoyed spending time with them but sometimes it was a little awkward. All the Vecchio children were like Ray, so alive, bursting with energy. He wasn't used to the casual affection and loud arguments that blew over before he blinked. Watching them was one thing; entertaining them was possibly beyond him. Perhaps this was an opportunity to calm the children down and keep them quiet for a while.
"The rabbit and the wolf . . .
Normally Inuit stories weren't meant to be fairy tales, but if he could combine a few . . . Running low on inspiration, he looked around for some help but everyone was busy preparing for the wedding. Maria was chasing after the semi-hysterical Francesca, telling her that she looked wonderful. Ray and Tony were out of sight and Mrs. Vecchio, while nearby, was still ignoring him. He didn't want to force her into doing something that would further stretch her already tenuous relationship with Ray.
"So when the wolf saw what had happened he . . . "
Just as he was out of ideas Ray returned to the living room. "Hey Benny, I'm back. Want me to watch the kids while you go get ready?"
"Thanks, Ray."
The church had been beautifully decorated. The elegant bouquets added to the ceremony without overpowering it. Fraser watched as Francesca came down the aisle on Ray's arm. Catching Ray's eye, he smiled, and could almost feel the joy radiating from both of them. Francesca's diamond solitaire necklace caught the light from the stained glass windows, emphasizing the uncomplicated grace of her gown. He appreciated Francesca's friendship much more now. Once she was committed to Stan, it was much easier for him to relax around her. Stan had been good for her, her luminous smile demonstrated. Nothing would make her happier than marrying Stan and spending the rest of her life with him. It saddened him for a moment. No one would ever say that it was wrong for them to love each other. They would never have to choose between people they loved. They could proclaim their feelings for each other without fear.
Ray was amazed at the change in his sister. After her first marriage failed, she had over compensated. Becoming a flirt almost overnight, her confidence had been mostly feigned. She went after the wrong men, including Fraser, because it was safer. Now she had met the right man and everything had worked out for her. No more collecting losers; her future would be bright and blissful. His sister had always been pretty, but in her happiness she was exquisite.
At the reception Ray sat comfortably watching the people around him. He would have enjoyed dancing to this song with Benny, even thought he wasn't a good dancer, but they had to be discreet. Still he was glad when Elaine asked Fraser to dance. It was curiously soothing to watch him shift gracefully to the music. Watching the fluid movements he didn't notice his sister sit beside him.
"So how are you and Fraser getting along?" she asked sunnily.
Ray was suddenly angry. "You're going to act like nothing happened?"
"What do you mean, Ray? You can forgive everyone but me?" Her voice was bitter.
The anger faded as quickly as it had appeared. Now he just felt weary. "Maria, I'm not going to get into this now. If you'll excuse me, I'd like the next dance with the bride."
When the band started playing Because you loved me by Celine Dion, Stan was relaxing for the first time that night. Everything had gone so well and dancing, well that could only make things better. For him this was the defining moment that proved he was married. He could still remember his first dance with Stella. As the song ended, the bittersweet memories ran through his mind. The next dance went to Ray, and Stan was about to ask his mother to dance when he saw someone he hadn't expected.
"Stella?"
"Stan."
"What are you doing here?"
"I was invited." She replied in her usual blunt way.
"I know, I mean . . . " Stan was flustered. "I didn't think you'd actually come."
"I wasn't going to at first. I thought it might be uncomfortable for you-us. I'm happy for you though. I wish you nothing but the best."
"I'll always love you, Stella." He felt a sense of completion. Those days are fond memories now, nothing more.
Finally the only thing left to do before Francesca and Stan left for Tuvalu for their honeymoon was for Frannie to throw the bouquet. All the unmarried women crowded at the front of the room. Elaine especially was eager to catch the bouquet. Everyone else moved to the back of the room to watch.
Frannie turned her back to the waiting crowd and flung the bouquet behind her. Flying through the air gracefully, the flowers were headed straight for one person: Constable Renfield Turnbull. That is until he was knocked down by a flying tackle from Inspector Thatcher. Ray smirked as she straightened her skirt and attempted to appear nonchalant. Turnbull turned several interesting shades of red as Fraser and Ray helped him to stand. Soon after, Stan and Frannie were on the way to the airport to begin their two-week honeymoon. During the ride back home Fraser was unusually quiet, even for himself.
"Benny?"
"Yes, Ray?"
"Did somebody say or do something during the wedding? You seem sad."
"It's nothing, Ray."
"You promised to tell me . . . "
"Ray, it's not that. Honestly, nobody said anything."
"Then what's wrong?"
"The wedding just got me thinking, that's all."
"About what?"
"Well, it's just not very fair."
"You're losing me here."
"It's not that I resent Stan and Francesca being happy. I just wish it could be the same for us."
"You mean getting married."
"Yes. I don't need anyone to validate my love for you, but it would be nice if we didn't have to defend our feelings at every opportunity." Fraser sounded almost wistful.
Ray pulled over. Turning to face Fraser he waited until Fraser looked him in the eye. "I understand what you're saying Benny. And it's true, it's not fair but the important thing here, and it's the only thing that counts, is that I love you. No matter what anybody else says, I love you. Everything else is just insignificant."
Fraser smiled softly. "I love you too, Ray."
Ray grinned. "Besides, in my mind we're already married."
Ray woke up to a wet tongue tracing the rim of his ear. It then traveled seductively down his neck before meandering its way back to his ear. He smiled, sighing softly. The perfect way to be awakened, he thought. Until the drool began to collect in his ear canal. He turned his head in surprise.
"Benny, what the hell are you . . . AHH!!" He sat up at the sight of a grinning wolf, either the yell or the sudden movement awakening his partner.
"What's the matter, Ray?"
He caught his breath finally. "Your wolf's gettin' intimate with me, Fraser." He got out of bed and grabbed his robe before running toward the door and the bathroom. As he left, he could hear Fraser scolding the wolf.
A half-hour later his ear was as clean as it was going to get without the use of bleach or harsh abrasives. When he opened the door Fraser handed him a cup of coffee. He sat down at the table and took a sip as a penitent Dief laid his head on his lap.
Ray ignored him and took another sip.
Several more whines and a cold nose pushed into the hand on his lap.
He continued to ignore Dief.
The wolf cast a plaintive glance toward Fraser who took pity on him. "He's trying to apologize, Ray. I gave him a stern talking to; he really is sorry."
Ray threw him a withering glare. "Easy for you to say. It wasn't your ear."
"He's just excited about Christmas. It's always been his favorite holiday."
Caught between Dief's pitiful whining and Fraser's hopeful expression Ray couldn't stay angry. "All right. I forgive you." The wolf barked excitedly, wagging his tail. "Just don't do that again."
The rest of the day passed with little incident. After exchanging presents and disentangling Dief from the Christmas-tree decorations, Ray and Benny curled up on the couch to watch It's A Wonderful Life.
"We watched that movie every year, you know." He continued before Fraser could reply. "Right in the middle, Pop would come home. He'd complain about how it was a sissy movie and tell me to go do something else. After he died one of the first things I did was rent it and finish watching it, even though it was only August." Ray muttered almost to himself.
"I'm sorry, Ray."
"It doesn't matter now. I bet Christmas was fun with all that snow." He said in a blatant attempt to change the subject.
"I remember one year, my father came home in time to celebrate the holidays. My mother was sick at the time, although I didn't know it, and I spent most of the time at my grandparents. He gave me my first sled."
Ray grinned, "What happened?"
"That was the spring my mother died. After that I stayed with my grandparents all the time." He shrugged. "That was the last time he was home for Christmas. I guess the holidays reminded him of her."
Again Ray diverted the topic. "And your grandmother gave you more books, right?"
"Yes."
Several minutes passed in silence as they both tried not to think of disappointing earlier holidays. Another movie came on and they watched as the evil Grinch tried to steal Christmas.
That night he found it difficult to sleep. He just couldn't seem to get comfortable, nor could he stop thinking about Maria. Finally after midnight he realized that not only was he keeping himself awake but he was making Fraser lose sleep too.
"Ray, what's wrong?"
"I'm okay." Talking to Maria would be bad enough, but telling Benny? And adding the pain it would cause him if it didn't work out? The last thing he wanted was to cause Benny any more pain; so he lied, "Just thinking too much about what you said the day before. It isn't fair."
Well, it wasn't really a lie, was it? He'd just stretched the truth a little bit. He had been thinking about that too. And it wasn't fair.
"No, it's not. But it doesn't matter. You know and I know. Nothing else matters. And things are changing, slowly, but for the better."
Three years Fraser had been here. Three years and he was still so innocent. Undirtied by the scum and trash that had threatened to overwhelm Ray while undercover. So wondrously pure. Suddenly Ray needed to hold him, to make sure he was really here; to protect him from the garbage outside.
Fraser was surprised by the fierceness of Ray's embrace, but aware of Ray's apparent need, he said nothing as he returned the embrace, willing to give Ray whatever support he required.
"I guess you're right." Ray did feel better although he was still anxious about talking to his sister the nest day. Not wanting to worry Fraser he pulled himself closer and pretended to fall asleep.
He waited until Fraser's breathing evened out into sleep, then counted to one hundred before carefully slipping out of bed. Quietly he made his way into the kitchen.
He poured himself a cup of coffee and watched it grow too cold to drink. He'd been sitting there an hour when Dief came into the kitchen and laid over his feet. Deep in thought he patted the wolf, grateful for the company.
At five the next morning he was still sitting in the kitchen. He stood up to refill his coffee and noticed the sun rising. Cleaning his cup and putting everything in its place, he got back into the bed and lay quietly. He didn't really fall asleep but he managed to doze.
At six Fraser woke up and Ray went through his daily routine of complaining about the early hour. "Go back to sleep, Ray. I have legs. I can walk to work."
Ray stretched as he watched Fraser getting ready. "I wish you had today off, too."
"So do I, Ray. But it wouldn't be fair, after all I've been off work or on desk duty for a while."
"That doesn't mean you don't deserve some time off. How many years did you spend working on Christmas up there in the frozen armpit of the North?"
"Well yes, but I always wanted to let the Constables with families have that time together."
"Exactly. And now you're one of them. You have two sisters. And of course--me."
"Of course." Ray was pleasantly surprised to find himself grinning. Sometimes making Benny happy was better than being happy himself. Dropping him at the Consulate, he even managed to smile at the Dragon Lady. However, alone on the drive back thoughts of his sister surrounded him.
It was still very early when he got back to the apartment but knew he wouldn't get anything done unless he had it out with Maria. He considered going to the house to see her but realized it would be better to meet on neutral territory. It felt wrong, thinking about the house like that, but he couldn't help it. Being forced to choose between his family and Fraser had been a difficult decision that only added to the bad memories he had of the house. He managed to wait until eight before calling. Thankfully Maria had always been an early riser.
The sun was shining as he walked down the path. The cloud cover was an appropriate background for the difficult conversation he expected to have. Maria was waiting for him, feeding the pigeons.
"So."
"You wanted to talk?"
"Yeah. I guess what I really wanted was to ask why."
"Why what?"
"Why you just stood by and watched." He couldn't figure out what to do with his hands. "I can't figure out what happened." Her mouth opened like she was about to answer but she didn't say anything.
"You know in a way your reaction hurt more than anything else. I mean Frannie, she was mad and I could understand that. Ma's always worried about what the church says and I could understand that too. But you, you just, I don't know, didn't want to be bothered or something. Now that everyone else is okay, suddenly you are too. I just can't understand that."
"Ray, I . . . "
"No! Let me finish. You're my sister." His voice bordered on cracking. "Why did you do that?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean 'you don't know?' You abandoned me and you don't know why? The least you could do is be honest with me now. You owe me that much. You owe me!" He couldn't continue.
"I'm sorry, Ray. I know I hurt you."
"I don't care if you're sorry. I just need to know. Why?"
"I-I was jealous, all right! You were always Ma's favorite. Frannie followed you around like you were some kind of god or something." Ray was dumbfounded. He could only watch as Maria went on. "And then Benton. You had this wonderful friend and everyone loved him and everyone loved you. And then you loved him so much that you were willing to give all that up to be with him. Finally for just one moment, it was my turn. But now it's all the same. Everyone loves you and you have this wonderful love and . . . your life is perfect."
Ray was speechless. That she could take all the pain he'd gone through, everything that he and Benny had been through to be together . . . "Perfect? Perfect?" He couldn't wrap his mind around the concept.
"I'm sorry, Ray. I was mad. You have everything I've always wanted. I always knew that I'd get married to a nice guy and I'd stay at home and raise my children. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and Tony too. But I didn't marry him out of love-not the kind you and Benton have. I'm sorry."
"I don't know what to say."
"Just say you forgive me. That we can go back to being brother and sister. I love you, Ray."
"You're my sister and because of that I'll always love you. I can't forget what you did or how it made me feel. Believe me I wish I could. I forgive you, but right now it's too early. I need time."
"I can accept that. Thank you, Ray."
He accepted her embrace but it hurt nonetheless. "I gotta go. See ya."
Thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three. Thirty-three water spots on the ceiling. His concentration was shattered by the sound of keys in the door. He stood up suddenly as Fraser walked in and he felt the blood rush from his head. By the time he had regained his equilibrium, Fraser had laid the Stetson on the table and was headed toward him with concern.
"Are you all right, Ray?"
"Yeah. What are you doing here so early?" At first he asked to divert Fraser's question but then he realized something was wrong. He grew more concerned when Fraser didn't answer. "What, was the Consulate closed for pest control or something?"
"That's just silly, Ray."
"Tell me, Benny, I have my ways of making you talk."
Fraser attempted a tired smile but couldn't entirely pull it off. "Inspector Thatcher sent me home." To further avoid the question he went into the bedroom to change out of his uniform.
Ray was going to go after him but this amount of maneuvering was unusual for Fraser. Removing his cell phone he decided to go right to the source. " . . . Protesters? What were they protesting?" He mentally winced at the answer. "No wonder he . . . Thank you, Inspector. I appreciate what you did . . . yeah, I'll make sure he's okay. Bye." How bad must it have been if even the Dragon Lady could tell it was torturing him? He looked up as Fraser returned to the room. He had changed into jeans and a tee shirt, taking the time to regain his equilibrium.
"I'm sorry about the demonstrators. They're idiots, Benny."
Somehow Fraser didn't seem surprised that he knew. "They are only doing what they think is right." He said softly.
"Look at me. It doesn't matter. None of that stuff matters. And it's okay to be mad, Benny. What are you gonna do? Hurt their feelings?"
"I'm not mad, Ray. I'm just . . . tired."
He couldn't think of anything to say to that, but he could give his support. He hugged Fraser hiding a wince as Benny returned the hug, almost painfully tight. There had to be something he could do.
Once again that night he lay awake thinking. Maybe if I ask Stan or Frannie . . . No, don't wanna interrupt their honeymoon . . . Maggie! . . . No, they still don't know each other that closely and I don't want to worry her.
He must have drifted off to sleep because the next time he awoke the clock read 3:27 a.m.. His subconscious had provided him with the perfect solution. What better way to focus on the good things than to leave the bad things behind? Taking a trip would be the perfect way to get back to the way things used to be: before the wedding, before the hospital, before his family found out. Back to the only thing that mattered, their love for each other.
It had been difficult to convince Welsh to give him two weeks off but any inconvenience was well worth it for the smile on Fraser's face when Ray brought out his idea, but almost immediately Fraser frowned.
"What?"
"Ray, I only recently returned to work and yesterday I left early. It wouldn't be fair to ask for more time off. And I don't believe that Inspector Thatcher would be . . . "
"Somehow I don't think she'll be any trouble. 'Sides which, you need this vacation just as much as I do." If not more, he didn't say. "You know it, I know it and Inspector Thatcher knows it."
Convincing him was even easier than Ray had expected. A quick call to Inspector Thatcher and the issue was settled. They had two weeks alone, together, and away from Chicago. Scheduling the time simultaneously was a bit more difficult but finally everything was settled. The only question now was where to go . . .
"Where would you like to go, Ray?"
"I don't know. Where d'you wanna go?" Ray parroted.
He thought for a moment before replying. "I believe Florida is very nice this time of year, not too hot."
"Really. Benny, this is supposed to be for both of us. Hey what about your father's cabin?"
"That doesn't seem any fairer, Ray. I know you don't like it up there."
"That's not true."
"Ray, you complained constantly."
"Go figure, Fraser. First time I crawled out of my hospital bed to go up there and we get ambushed, not to mention that dogsled. Second time, we go up there to fix up the cabin after Vic- and the plane gets hijacked. You're blind, you're hurt, and I'm carrying you through Canada." Ray was becoming exasperated. He tried visibly to calm down. "Look, we have a bit of time. Why don't we sleep on it tonight? We can talk about it in the morning. I'm exhausted."
"Ray-" He wanted to continue but the look on Ray's face convinced him that this question could very well wait until tomorrow.
The next morning Fraser woke with an answer, the perfect solution to their problem.
"Ray?"
"Hmm?" He wasn't fully awake yet.
"What about Italy?"
Sitting up, Ray tried to put together a complete thought. "Italy? What about it?"
"For our vacation, we could go to Italy."
Ray's grin was answer enough. "That is so cool, Benny." He said excitedly. "I've always wanted to go but I never had the chance." Looking for all the world like a kid in a candy store, Ray got ready for work.
His good mood endured a morning filled with paperwork and recalcitrant witnesses. When the phone rang for the tenth time in the past hour he answered cheerfully. "Vecchio."
"Ray?"
"Benny?" He wondered if everyone could hear the smile in his voice. "What's up?"
"I . . . Never mind, Ray. It can wait."
He said good-naturedly, "Come on Fraser, spill."
"There may be a problem . . . "
"Problem? Like what?" Ray wasn't alarmed yet, just curious.
"With going to Italy . . . "
"What do you mean? You can still go, right?"
"It's Dief."
Now he was worried. "Something's wrong with Dief?" He asked frantically.
Fraser realized what Ray must have been thinking and hastened to reassure him. "No, he's fine."
Ray was relived. "Oh. Good." He took a deep breath. "So what's the problem then?"
"Well, I was planning on asking Willy to take care of Diefenbaker."
Ray interrupted. "Yeah, so?"
"He can't. He's taking several classes at Olive-Harvey College. I wouldn't want to distract him from his classes. He's worked hard for this."
"I guess you're right. Hey what about Ma? -No, wait, forget I said that." As much as he wished things were different, that relationship was still fragile and awkward.
"Do you think Elaine would mind?"
"Can't hurt to ask. Are you coming by for lunch?" There it was again, the inexplicable urge to grin.
"I had planned to." He wasn't the only one grinning now.
"Okay, We can ask her then. See you in an hour or so?"
"Indeed."
Who could resist those eyes? That hopeful little half grin? That slobbery tongue? "Of course I'll take care of you." Scratching Dief behind his ears she looked up at the two men with a smile. "Just pick him up whenever you want."
"Thanks, Elaine."
"Thank you kindly, Elaine."
It had been a chaotic year; Ray had gone undercover, his apartment had burned down, he had gained a sister, and Ray had returned. His changing relationship with Ray, the reactions of their families and coworkers to that changing relationship, time in the hospital, and recovering from his injuries had all taken their toll. It was nice to be able to take some time off and relax.
They arrived at the airport a half-hour early whereupon they learned that the flight would be delayed an hour. Normally Ray would have vented his anger but today he didn't really mind. Nothing could ruin his day. "You know Benny, the last time I got on a plane with you to go on vacation it didn't exactly go according to plan."
"That's just silly Ray. What are the chances that our plane will be hijacked by an escaping felon?"
"Uh, Benny? Think about it. We're talking you and me here, not two random ordinary individuals."
"You have a point. We do seem to encounter certain situations with alarming frequency."
The flight from Chicago to Lisbon, Portugal was eleven hours long. Ray had never been one to sleep on a plane but eleven hours was a long time and he needed the sleep anyway. The narrow seats provided the perfect excuse to turn his body toward Fraser. He closed his eyes and listened as Fraser discussed ways to tell the difference between box elder (Acer negundo) and poison ivy (Rhus radicans) with the lady sitting on his other side.
He managed to sleep for several hours before the dream began- - Held down, he watched helplessly as his father swung his fists. Nothing he hadn't been on the receiving end of before, but this time he wasn't the one being hit. This time it was Benny. Then his father wasn't alone and Zuko's goons were joining in the beating. They pulled back to let someone step closer. Benny was dragged into the middle of the room and Zuko stood there with a gun. Struggling and kicking to get free Ray was helpless to watch as the gun fired and suddenly it was in his hands and he was the one who had pulled the trigger- -
Fraser was explaining the gradations of flavor in scat when he felt Ray begin to fidget. At first he ignored it but when Ray grew increasingly agitated he did the only thing he could on the crowded plane.
Gradually Ray became aware of his surroundings or rather he became aware of soft warmth gently stroking his hand as a comforting voice whispered reassurances in his ear. It was just a dream he thought, catching Fraser's uneasy glance at him. He managed a fragile smile to reassure Fraser. "Just a bad dream."
"Are you sure?"
The concern with which those words were delivered made his reply almost the truth. "Yeah, I'm sure." He sat up and folded the blanket to put away. He couldn't clear his head with Benny quite so close. Unconsciously he was reminded of the bullet still in Benny's back. "Can you get me a wet washcloth or something?"
"Of course, Ray. I'll be right back." He stood up and made his way toward the restrooms at the back of the plane.
Out of the corner of his eyes Ray saw that the woman Fraser had been talking to was watching him. He turned to her, anticipating a rude comment or glare. She smiled at him with a twinkle in her eyes. "Are you really all right, sonny?"
"Yes ma'am, I'm fine."
"I'm glad. Love is such a gift isn't it."
He tried to hide his surprise unsuccessfully. "I'm very lucky."
"So is he."
Fraser was on his way back. Once he was seated Ray squeezed his hand, whispering, "I love you."
Fraser smiled. "I love you, too."
They both slept comfortably during the five-hour flight from Lisbon to Florence, holding hands under their respective blankets.
By three o'clock they had arrived at the hotel, unpacked and freshened up. Having rested on the plane, they decided to take care of their one responsibility that night, leaving the rest of the vacation for themselves.
Considering the reaction of Ray's family even after several years of knowing him, Fraser was understandably nervous about being introduced to members of Ray's family who had never met him. "Ray?"
"Hmm?" He felt strange not driving the Riv but the rental wasn't all that bad.
"How should I . . . ?"
Sometimes dragging a complete thought out of Fraser was like trying to hold a conversation with a three-year-old child. "How should you what? Oh." Abruptly he understood. "Benny, we're on vacation. I'm not going to hide how I feel about you. I've had to do enough of that." His smile softened his words.
"But Ray . . . "
"Benny, I'm not saying we flaunt it. We'll just act like we usually do in public. If somebody asks," he squeezed Fraser's hand, "I'm not gonna lie, but they won't. And it's only for a few hours anyway, okay?"
"Okay." A hint of worry still clouded the handsome face but the beginnings of a smile were shining through.
Just like Ray had wanted, expected, and wished for nobody noticed a thing. He wasn't surprised; when they had become more than friends nothing had changed in their public relationship. They had always been close, and knowing each other so well, so comfortably, combined with Fraser's ingrained reticence to public emotional displays so that a stranger watching them would only see two close friends.
"So, Benny."
"Yes Ray?"
"Tell me about this museum you want to see." Before Fraser he would have made some comment about being dragged along and refused to go. Now, because it interested Fraser he was interested.
"The Istituto e Museo di Storia della Scienza di Firenze was founded in 1927 on the initiative of the University of Florence. The museum is divided into two categories: the Medici collection and the Lorraine collection. I'm especially interested in Hall VI of the Medici collection. It contains lenses, prisms, and optical illusions."
"Cool, then we can have lunch and check out the Pontevecchio. You know, when I was a kid I thought it was named after me. The central part of the bridge has a monument of Benvenuto Cellini, a goldsmith. I used to pretend that it was a statue of me. I'd walk down the street and everyone would know who I was. I'd be important." He finished wistfully.
The longing in his voice made Fraser almost forget that they were in public. For safety's sake they had researched, among other things, the treatment of homosexuals in Italy. While Florence granted some rights to gay partnerships such as joint tax returns, it was still overwhelmingly Catholic.
Overall though, the vacation had accomplished its goal. Fraser actually looked relaxed. The small lines that had been etching their way across his face began reversing their path. The shoulders that had always been held at guard-duty stiffness were relaxing; the natural smile that hadn't graced his face in ages had made several appearances. Ray himself felt like he had released a breath he'd been holding for over a year.
Ray looked up from the last of his trenette col pesto, "Che cosa fai stasera?"
Fraser looked at him, a question in his eyes, and patiently waited for the translation.
Ray grinned, "It means 'are you doing anything tonight?'"
He thought for a moment before replying with a straight face, "Grazie, ma sono qui col mio amico."
Ray was startled into silence, and then he started laughing vigorously. " 'Thanks, but I'm with my boyfriend'? Where did you learn that?" he asked, interspersed with bouts of laughter.
"I was talking to Francesca one night about two years ago, and some of your cousins invited her to do something and that's what she replied. After they left, I asked her what it meant and when she wouldn't tell me . . ."
"I'll bet she wouldn't." Ray interrupted.
"I looked it up later." Fraser responded defensively.
"Cool, do you know how to say anything else?"
"Not really."
The flight from Lisbon to Chicago was late. This delay wasn't a problem since it gave them a chance to re-acclimate to being surrounded by people who weren't necessarily as happy as they were. Finally the plane arrived and they boarded.
Fifteen minutes into the flight Fraser began acting a little weird. "What?"
"Nothing."
Ray went back to reading his magazine.
"Ah."
"What?!"
"Hmm."
"WHAT?!"
"Nothing, Ray."
"Don't nothing me. The last time this happened . . . " He really, really looked at Fraser's face. Eyes widening, "Oh my god not again!"
"Ray. Shh."
"Am I some kind of bad luck god? Why is this my life?"
THE END