Hi, God. It's me, Ray

"Hi, God. It's me, Ray.

I know we haven't talked in a while. I hope you are not mad, but I needed to sort some things out first.

Truth is, I need to settle things. I am still quite mixed up with my feelings, and I was hoping things could be a little bit more clear, but I have to get this out of my chest. You know me: can't keep confused for long, or I tend to bite people's head off. I don't think it's fair, because it really has nothing to do with them. So let's settle this.

Alright, here is the deal: I love Benny, Benny loves me. OK? And I am talking about love here, not mere lust. I wouldn't do that to Benny. His friendship means the world to me, and I wouldn't risk it for anything. Besides, he would not settle for a one-night stand or any shallow relationship, neither would I. This one is for keeps, God.

So how come it is a sin? I don't get it. I have been waiting my whole life for this to happen. We are so happy, so complete. You should see the look in those blue eyes whenever we contemplate our relationship. The big-eyed Mountie look is nothing compared to this one. He smiles, and it is one of those winning smiles, one of those that can illuminate the Great Chicago Area for months. Every time he does that I melt all inside. Geez, I can get mushy sometimes.

Everything happened so fast. Once we recognised what we felt for each other, it was so natural. Like snapping fingers. Boom da bing. I am his, and he is mine. Something so natural and so good cannot be a sin. Please God, tell me this is not true.

You have seen everything that happened to me since he burst into the holding cell looking for a Detective Armani. I have changed, God, and changed for good. I became a better person. I want to be better because of him. He makes me want to improve myself. Nobody has ever made me feel like that. Is that a sin, too?

Now I naturally do things good Catholic boys are supposed to do. I mean that I do goos things without anybody telling me. I do charity. I volunteer to help the poor. I spend time with the elderly and visit homes. I shoot hoops with homeless kids. Sure Benny is always by my side, but we are always together anyway. He makes me want to do those things.

You may say that things at home were kindda tense for a while. Yes, I admit that. Ma was not happy at all, and Frannie... Yes, Frannie just freaked out. But everything calmed down in a few weeks. Still Ma keeps talking about this being a sin, and all. I am Catholic, God, and I intend to go on being one. I am not in the mood to give up my faith without understanding why is it a sin.

I love Benny and Benny loves me. He told me I did not have to tell my family about us. He was afraid they would not take it well, and that I would lose their love. He knows I could not stand being apart from them. Just between us, I think Benny also loves being around them, because he doesn't have a family, you know? But he was concerned about me, and that was very touching. Benny always thinks about my feelings. He is so gentle and so kind to me. Oh, I love him, God.

Love cannot be wrong, can it? It is pure, sincere, honest love. I have looked my whole life for it. I tried to find it in good people, God, people I loved dearly. Irene was a lovely girl. We shared a lot together, and I will always love her, somehow. Angie was also a good Italian woman, and I am sure she will make someone very happy someday. She is another one in my "people to love forever" list.

Yet there was always something missing, you know? It was as if I was missing something I did not even know I had lost in the first place. I know it sounds weird, but that is how I felt.

Then Benny came along. At first, I was really freaked out by the guy. Come on, a guy from the frozen armpit of the North? Tasting things from the curb? Living in a dumpster? A wolf for companion? Aw, geez. Not even a skilled novelist could find a weirder character.

After that, I was really happy to have a best friend. I never had one before, not even when I was a kid. I tried to, but this neighbourhood claims its price, and I knew what would happen if I kept on being friends with Frankie Zuko.

So this squeaky-clean half-crazed Mountie suited me fine as a friend. Really, best friend is just not any friend. He is the one for whom you kill your Buick twice (oh, my baby), the one for whom you manage to get a "wolf license", the one for whom you give permission to sleep with your sister. This is a long list, I don't have to continue.

That was when things began to get mixed up. Many things happened, and that Victoria bitch was just the icing of the cake. I still cannot face the fact that I shot him. Oh, God, how could you let me point the gun and pull that trigger? Why did you make me see a gun in her hand at that train station?

Benny tells me it saved him. He repeats that every time I apologise for what I did, and he shows me the scar in the back, saying it is a reminder of mistakes almost made. My Benny has such a way with words it makes me tingle all over...

Anyway, the confusion began. I realised what I had done. He asked me and I risked my family's home for him. It was Pop's only possession, Ma's only guarantee for her old age, and yet I risked it for him. More than that: I went to the hospital. For three weeks I was there, and he was distant, cold. Benny explained later he was confused, too, and he could not understand why I was there, bringing him gifts and that horrible TV, trying to make things better for him after all he had done to me and my family.

I did not have the answer then. I did not realise it had been almost a year since my last date, at least a serious date, not Louise Saint-Laurent. I did not realise all my free time was spent with Benny. I did not realise I was giving my heart and my soul to him.

At first, it was frightening. I denied it, I guess. After I accepted being in love with a man, and not just any man, no, it had to be the most annoying man in the world... But after I accepted that, though, the world entered into focus. The order of the Universe was right. The wheels of time were at the right place, at the right pace. I could set clouds in motion. Er... Not that I want your job or anything, God. But you get that picture.

I can see I am babbling here. There is no need to tell you what you already know. We happened, somehow. Confessed our feelings, fell head over heels about each other. And now you tell me it is a sin? No way, José.

So here is the thing: I will not stop loving Benny. I cannot. It would be like taking the air out of my lungs, the blood from my veins. So you can strike me right now with a bolt of lightning, or something of this sort, because that is not going to happen. Capice?

I am sorry for all this. You see, I want to be able to come to church and everything. Tt is important to me. But Benny... God, Benny is my life. I cannot live without him.

OK, important point: I am also not going to a priest and ask him for forgiveness because I love Benny. I won't confess my love as a sin. You can send me to Hell for that if you see it fit, God. I mean it. An eternity in damnation scares me less than life without Benny. So that you know, I would be already living in hell if I had to give my Benny up, anyway. So there you go.

Er.. Look, I know I said some mean stuff here. I don't mean to be disrespectful or petulant. But I am sure of what I want, and I want Benny. I just need to get it settled between us, because it has been troubling me for sometime. Now I have to convince Father Biehan of everyting I told you. And Ma. That is a good one. Splitting the Red Sea would be a piece of cake compared to this, let me tell you. But I guess we are good now, aren't we? That is nice.

By the way, I really, really want to thank you for bringing Benny into my life. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I want you to be sure of that. I am at peace, one with the world and one with my fellowmen. Hope that suits you, because it sure suits me.

Amen."