Author's webpage: http://tuktoyaktuk.net/innusiq/

Author's notes: Comments are always welcome.

New Year, New Life, New Love
by: Jenny Hill

The official countdown hadn't begun yet but everyone in the precinct seemed to be pulsing with the excitement of the evening to come. It was New Year's Eve and a banquet hall had been rented out for the precinct's annual New Year's Eve Gala dinner and as every year in the past, since he'd been employed at the 27th, Ray was scheduled to attend. The only question on Ray's mind was could he get Fraser to go as well?

Ray looked across his desk at Fraser, his best friend and partner, whom had taken a seat in what had seemed to become his assigned seat at the precinct.

It was quite humorous how that all came about. It was just assumed by all, including Ray that since the Mountie sat in the chair daily and worked on a large percentage of Ray's cases that he needed a place to do his work. The guest chair was Fraser's. If anyone was sitting in it when Fraser entered the precinct, they vacated it immediately without being asked.

It pleased Ray to know that everyone accepted Fraser as belonging there, as being one of them, as being an equal. Ray occasionally wondered if Fraser was wise to this fact but thought it best never to ask. He didn't need to ask that because he could see it in the look of pride on Fraser's face whenever he was congratulated on a job well done. And every time he received a commendation, formal or informal, for his good work, the Mountie usually denied having anything to do with it.

That look of pride was no where to be found this day, the last day of the year. The man didn't even look close to being happy. The two friends had just returned from lunch and the somber mood from their meal together still remained. This mood worried Ray especially because it began a week prior, a few days before Christmas and with the new year quickly approaching, Ray was bound and determined to get his friend out of the gloom.

If Ray didn't know any better, he would say the man was sulking. The last time Ray had seen Fraser like this - well, the last time Fraser was recovering from a bullet wound inflicted by Ray to stop a criminal from escaping charges. Fraser just got in the way that day and as much as they tried to get past that point in their lives, they never seemed to make it.

The silence worried Ray. A silent Fraser was more annoying than a Fraser in his most irritating modes. Ray had to get him talking if only for his own sanity.

"Hey Benny, penny for your thoughts," Ray said with concern in his voice.

"Hmmm?" Fraser voiced in a questioning tone from a million miles away as he brought his attention back to Ray.

"Come on Benny, you've been in this funk since before Christmas. What gives?"

Fraser scrunched up his brow as he said, "Funk?"

The word didn't roll off his tongue naturally but Ray found it cute to hear him say it. "Yeah, you know funk, mood, depressed mood to be specific. Are you okay?"

Even though his slouch was at a minimal, Fraser straightened his posture in an effort to deny the accusation. "I'm not depressed. I am fine, Ray. I may be a little distracted but that is all."

"Uh-huh," Ray said, not believing a word Fraser was saying but there was no point in pushing the issue any further because the man was a mule. The more Ray would push, the more stubborn Fraser would get.

"So, what, does the Dragon Lady got you pulling maid duty after some white-tied shindig that you're not invited to even though you took care of all the planning?"

"Ray . . ." The name was spoken in a reprimanding tone.

"Or is she sticking you on all night guard duty for fear some crazies might try and break into Canada?" Ray ventured with that one out of humor while leaning back in his chair.

"Now Ray . . ." The tone Fraser used was the same.

"Tell me Benny 'cause I'd really like to know what you are doing tonight that you can't come to the 27th's party."

Fraser cleared his throat before he answered. "Inspector Thatcher has been out of town this whole week and won't return until after the New Year."

It still didn't explain the plans Fraser had for the evening ahead so Ray continued staring at his friend until he continued.

Fraser sighed. "There are a few . . . reports . . . that I have to clear up before the Inspector returns . . . I have become a little . . . lax in my duties with her absence . . ."

Ray's eyes bugged out as he sat up straight. "What? You - lazy - I don't believe it."

"It's true Ray. I hate to admit it but . . ."

"So, you're telling me that you are gonna be spending New Year's Eve at the Consulate - working?"

Fraser nodded his reply.

"Working?"

"Yes, Ray."

"And these reports or yours can't be finished up, say, sometime after midnight? They all have to be done before?"

"Well, I suppose I could put them off but what would that say about my work ethics? I have already put them off long enough. Once they are done, then I can rest easy."

"Hey guys," Elaine, one of the 27th's civilian aides, greeted as she approached the two friends. "So Fraser, you gonna be there tonight?"

Ray couldn't help but notice her hopeful voice and he was surprised by it. Ray had thought Elaine had given up on Fraser a while ago, back when his own sister was bragging about her "conquest" over the Mountie. It was a conquest that Ray was certain was backed by lies or at least he believe that for his own sake.

"I'm afraid this party is going on without our beloved Mountie here," Ray answered for Fraser.

At that comment, Fraser looked at Ray with a questioning stare but quickly disregarded the comment as Ray just being Ray. There was no meaning behind his use of the word "beloved." Fraser couldn't be that lucky.

Fraser returned his attention back to Elaine when she asked, "How's come?"

Once again, Ray answered for Fraser, "You know the Dragon Lady, slave driver."

Fraser turned back to Ray and in a scolding manner said, "Ray."

"Hey, I can't help it if it's the truth."

Fraser's looked turned into a glare before he turned back to Elaine to clarify Ray's responses. "I have a few reports to clear up before the year's end and seeing that is tonight, my time will be greatly occupied by my tasks at hand."

"You can't even make a small appearance?" Elaine questioned.

Ray would consider it begging on her part but he kept quiet about his opinion, sometimes it was best that way - not fun but best.

"No," Fraser replied as he stood up, "now I . . . ah . . . I really must return to the Consulate to get started on those reports. I will see you both after the New Year."

"Tomorrow," Ray corrected. "Ma wants you over for dinner and I'm sorry to say but there is no say 'no' to Ma."

Fraser smiled when he replied, "I would never say no to your mother, Ray. Tell her I will be there, as always."

"Hey, maybe I can stop by before the party, make sure you haven't changed your mind or anything," Ray suggested.

"That is entirely unnecessary, Ray. I will be quite . . . busy for the majority of the night I assure you. I will be lucky to make it home before midnight."

Ray frowned at his friend's declination of his offer. "Okay Benny, whatever you say."

Ray then stood up to grab his coat. "Let me give you a ride . . ."

Fraser declined before Ray's next offer was finished. "No, thank you Ray. I think I would like to walk back to the Consulate if that is all right with you."

Ray shook his head. "No Benny, it's 20 degrees out. You'll freeze to death before you make it half way there. I'll drive you."

"Ray, I am quite certain I won't freeze death and I could use the exercise," Fraser protested.

"Benny . . ."

"Ray, I will be fine. Trust me."

Looking at Fraser, Ray had no other choice but to trust him. Whatever it was he was going through he needed this. He needed the space and time and the solitude. Ray relented in his demands. "Okay but you'll call me if you need anything?"

Fraser smiled and nodded before he turned and left the company of Ray and Elaine.

Both Elaine and Ray watched as Fraser took his exit from the squad room. Elaine returned her attention back to Ray first but only to see his gaze lingering longer than her own viewing.

When Ray finally looked at her, he said, "What?"

Elaine just shook her head and commented, "And I thought Francesca was bad," before walking away and returning to her own desk.

"What!?" Ray called after the retreating civilian aide but she refused to clarify her meaning.

The pounding in his chest always began when there was nothing left to talk about. The companionable silence he normally enjoyed and felt comfortable with was no longer there. Instead of the companionable silence, Fraser was experiencing an awkwardness that stemmed from his heart making him feel empty inside, alone.

Once he was out in the corridor of the precinct, Fraser stopped and leaned up against the wall to catch his breath. He felt like he had run a mile when it had only been a short walk to his current position. He had made it one more day, one more year, one more moment of denying himself what he needed most and all for the well being of the one person he was denying himself of - Ray.

This change in feelings didn't take Fraser by surprise. He always knew there was a connection between himself and Ray that he couldn't describe. At first, all he knew was that Ray was a necessary part of his life. Without Ray's help, he wouldn't have found his father's murders and without Ray's friendship and support, Chicago would have just been another Moosejaw. Only recently did Fraser realize that necessity was a love he never knew he was capable of.

"Breathe," Fraser said quietly to himself praying that the deep breathing technique would calm his racing heart and stop the fluttering in his stomach that had become a common occurrence now, when ever he was in Ray's presence.

"Hey Fraser, man, you okay?" Detective Jack Huey asked as he approached Fraser. The Mountie was leaning against the wall with his head leaning back, eyes shut and breathing erratically. Diefenbaker was seated at Fraser's feet, staring up and it seemed the Mountie was oblivious to his wolf's presence. Fraser looked as if he was about to pass out.

Fraser, the master of masking his feelings, stood at rigid attention. Fraser cleared his throat and responded, "Ah, yes . . . I am fine Detective Huey. Why do you ask?"

Huey stared at Fraser for a moment just taking in his body language which was saying he was not fine, then replied, "You just look shaken. Something happen?"

"No . . . nothing, I was just leaving. It was nice talking with you." Before anything more could be asked or said, Fraser walked past the inquisitive detective and left the precinct.

Huey just shook his head and dismissed it as being another weird Fraser characteristic.

The banquet hall was decorated with an abundance of gold and silver helium filled balloons and streamers were streaked over the walls and any flat surface available. Even the centerpieces on the tables matched with gold and silver candles in varying sizes sitting on mirror bases with New Year's metallic confetti sprinkled around. Looking up, Ray could see the collections of multicolored balloons and confetti that would be dropped at the stroke of midnight to cascade down and over all present. All the preparations were made to perfection, everything seemed just right.

Dressed in his best Armani suit, which translated to meaning the only suit Fraser hadn't ruined by tramping through garbage and sewer systems, Ray arrived at the party on time and had been at the New Years Eve Gala an almost two hours. But it didn't take that long for him realized that even though everything seemed right - he didn't feel right.

Ray sat at his table, by himself, watching his fellow co-workers dancing and laughing and generally have a wonderful evening. Of course that was how the evening was supposed to be but Ray didn't have anyone "special" to share his evening with. Well, there was someone special but that someone would rather be working than celebrating the end of the old and the beginning of the new. And it probably didn't help matters much that Fraser was none-the-wiser of Ray's feelings for him.

Ray was fairly certain that he'd had these feelings for Fraser from the first moment they met but since he had never actually been in love with another man before, he didn't recognize his feelings as being the ones associated with being in love. That realization didn't come until it was almost too late, the day Ray shot his best friend, and when Ray finally became aware of his feelings for Fraser, he didn't know what to do with them.

Slender arms wrapping around him from behind pulled Ray away from his thoughts.

"Wanna dance?" Elaine asked.

Ray smiled as she walked around to stand in front of him with her hand outstretched. "Come on, you've been sitting here the entire evening, one dance."

With a slight blush, Ray took hold of Elaine's hand and stood to take them out to the dance floor. Once they were out and amongst the crowd of their fellow officers and their spouses and dates, they began to silently dance together.

After a few moments, Ray commented, "You look really good tonight, Elaine."

"You're surprised?" Elaine asked, teasing.

"No, I was just saying you look nice tonight, that's all. It's a compliment Elaine, take it gracefully"

"Oh well, thanks, you don't look too bad yourself."

Ray chuckled at the compliment he assumed was given out of politeness. "Yeah, if you say so."

Elaine stopped the swaying motion and looked directly at Ray and seriously said, "Ray, it's a compliment, take it gracefully."

Ray glared a bit before he smiled and started dancing again.

Elaine knew Ray didn't believe her and that annoyed her to no end. How Ray, one of the most confident men she knew, couldn't see that he was a good-looking man was beyond her. If she was bold enough to say it out loud, Elaine even found Ray to be sexy in his own right.

"Fraser should be here, ya know," Elaine said.

To Ray, that comment came from left field but there was a reason for her planned, out of the blue comment.

"Oh yeah? What for your midnight kiss?"

"Ray," Elaine said his name with a scolding tone. "That is not what I meant. I meant he should be here for you."

This time it was Ray who stopped dancing.

"Ray, it doesn't take a first grade detective to see what is going on."

"Nothing is going on. What are you saying that's going on?" Ray asked as he released Elaine and walked off the dance floor.

Elaine rolled her eyes and followed after Ray until they were both out of the banquet hall and standing in the corridor of the entrance. It was as private of an area as they were going to get.

"That's the problem, there's nothing going on. Ray, do you ever notice how some people light up when a certain person walks into a room?"

"You mean like you and Frannie do when ever Fraser walks into a room?"

Elaine nodded her head and added, "And you."

"You light up when I walk into the squad room?" Ray asked a bit confused.

Elaine smacked Ray's shoulder playfully and said, "No! I mean you light up when ever Fraser comes in. You can be in the crabbiest mood but when he shows up, it's like night and day. When he shows up, what ever was bothering you before just disappears. You're happier when Fraser's around."

"I think you are seeing things there, Elaine. Have you been drinking tonight or something?"

"No, I am not seeing things. What's even worse is the fact that you don't even realize that the feeling is mutual."

"What are you saying?"

"I think what I'm saying is that the guy loves you and if you're not careful, you may miss out on the best thing that will ever happen to you," Elaine clarified and with that said, she placed a kiss on Ray's cheek. "You know, it isn't right for someone to spend New Year's Eve alone."

"Is that so?"

"Of course, you have to kiss someone at midnight."

Ray watched as Elaine turned and walked back into the banquet hall to join the other members of the 27th in preparation of the countdown. At that moment, no matter how important that party was, there was only one place he wanted to be and that place was across town. Ray only hoped he would make it there before the midnight toll rang out.

The snow began falling shortly after he arrived at home and at that moment the ground and cars below were completely covered. The snow was God's way of wiping away the old and bringing in the new. Fraser had been home since six o'clock that evening and even though Ray would have considered his excuse as a lie, it really wasn't. There was a report he had to finish before the end of the year but what Ray didn't need to know was that report only took an hour to complete and was done three hours before Fraser was officially off duty.

As much as Fraser wanted to be at the 27th's New Year's Eve party, as much as he wanted to spend the last minutes of the year with Ray, he knew that after what happened at the precinct earlier that day he couldn't. After his most recent anxiety attack, Fraser was beginning to think life in Chicago was going to be impossible in the New Year. His life was changing beyond his control and that lack of control frightened him.

Fraser had let himself become dependant upon someone for the first time in his entire adult life. It wasn't the love that he felt for Ray that scared him. It was Ray's rejection of that love and the possibility of a life in Chicago without his best friend that terrified him. Chicago was his home, temporary though it may be, but Fraser knew without Ray, he couldn't stay. Too much had happened between them and there were too many memories, good and bad, to stay would be unbearable.

Fraser turned and leaned his back against the window he had been staring out and took in the empty apartment. Technically, it wasn't empty. He did own the essentials: a bed, kitchen table and chairs, a trunk and what not but to Ray, it was empty. Any place of residence compared to the Vecchio home seemed empty. Fraser loved the Vecchio home. He loved his life in Chicago, more than he ever thought he would the day he was permanently assigned to the Windy City. He loved Ray.

The sound of a teapot whistling brought Fraser to the present. He pushed himself off the sill he was leaning against and moved towards the screaming pot to make himself a cup of tea before retiring for the night. Once his cup was prepared, slipping in a slice of lemon, Fraser picked the cup up and returned to the window, waiting for the year to end.

"Damn, damn, damn," Ray repeated as he bounded up the stairs of the rundown apartment building where his best friend lived.

Arriving at apartment 3J, Ray didn't even bother knocking. Twisting the door's the knob, he pushed the door open and was greeted by darkness. The only light in the small apartment was coming from the kitchen window that overlooked the street below and that light outlined the apartment's only occupant.

"Benny?" Ray called out as he reached for the light switch on the wall that turned on the light hanging over the kitchen table.

Fraser sighed before answering. "What are you doing here Ray? I thought you were going to the New Year's Eve party downtown?"

Ray shrugged his shoulders as he walked into the kitchen area, which only took two steps from the door. "I did, it wasn't what I expected."

Fraser turned from the window to find Ray leaning against his counter. The pounding in his chest was beginning. "But what are you doing here?"

"Thought you might like some company tonight. I stopped at the Consulate first, thinking you might still be there working on those reports but go figure, you weren't. How long you been home?" Ray asked.

"Not long," Fraser answered while trying to keep his breathing regulated.

"Hmmm . . ."

Fraser cocked his head, asking, "Hmmm, what?"

"I just find it . . . interesting, that you should say that, that's all."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, unless when you leave the Consulate at night you jump over the steps, I'd say you've been home at least since before it started snowing tonight," Ray stated.

At the embarrassed look on Fraser face, Ray said, "You're not the only detective, ya know? So how long have you been home?"

"Does it really matter?"

"Yes, listen, I accepted the fact that you wanted to spend Christmas alone, doesn't mean I understood it but I accepted it. I thought 'big Italian family, yeah that can be a bit scary' but this wasn't the same. It was a party with the guys and gals of the 27th. You work with them daily and are comfortable around them. So my question to you is what's the deal here? What is going on with you?"

Fraser couldn't answer. The pounding in his chest and the fluttering in his stomach made coherent thought impossible and he felt that any minute he would pass out. Shakily, Fraser made his way to the kitchen table.

Ray watched as Fraser's trembling hand placed his teacup on the table, splashing some of its amber contents on the table's surface. He'd never seen Fraser in such a state, not even with Victoria.

"Benny, talk to me."

Fraser still couldn't speak. His throat had tightened closed in an effort to keep from crying, something he rarely ever did, but it was not use.

"Are you crying?" Ray asked as he kneeled at Fraser's side.

Fraser cleared his throat before he could speak and when he did, the words were broken up. "I'm . . . not . . . crying . . ."

"Yes, yes you are. You are most definitely crying," Ray insisted.

Speaking a bit clearer, Fraser responded, "I assure you . . . I'm not . . . I just have something in my eye . . . "

"Benny, I think you're crying."

"I'm not."

"Then I think you're lying."

The harder he tried to deny the truth, the more the tears flowed. "I . . . I'm . . . I'm not . . ."

"Oh Benny . . ." Ray soothed as he maneuvered Fraser to face him and pulled him into an embrace. "It's all right. Everything is going to all right."

For a split second, a minute moment, everything did seem right. Fraser allowed the comfort, the embrace and took pleasure in the feel of Ray's arms wrapped lovingly around him but once he was calmed back down, once his brain was registering the position he was in, Fraser pulled away and stood up to get away from Ray.

"No, everything is not going to be all right, it never can and never will."

Ray stood up but didn't move any closer to Fraser. "Aren't you happy here?"

A laugh escaped Fraser before he replied, "Happy? Why wouldn't I be happy? I have a good job. I have a new family whom are more giving than I deserve and ever thought possible. I have a wolf, who can be quite unruly at times and seemed to prefer to spend this New Year's with Turnbull rather than myself, but I'm certain he respects me. I have a friend, a best friend, who gave up an evening with his fellow colleagues just to check up on me. Why shouldn't I be happy?"

"I take that as a no?" Ray plainly answered.

Fraser didn't respond because he didn't know how.

"What would make you happy?"

Again, Fraser laughed before answering. "You don't want to hear the answer to that question."

"I asked it, didn't I? So, I want to know. What would make you happy, Benny?"

Simply said, with the most serious look on his face, Fraser replied, "You."

The pounding in his chest eased with his confession. His burden was lifted and it was no longer a secret.

At the admission there was a flash of light bursting in the distance that caught Ray's attention from outside the window. There were fireworks blasting in the New Year from across town accompanied by the blaring of car horns and some people lingering on the street below shouting greetings to the New Year.

Ray closed the distance separating himself from Fraser. Cupping Fraser's face in his hands, Ray whispered, "Happy New Year, Benny," and he sealed the wish with a kiss.

At that moment, Fraser realized he had been right. His life was changing and things would never be the same but he welcomed the changes. Fraser now welcomed the New Year, the new life ahead and the new love to be explored.

The End.