Author's Note: This is a response to all the stories involving improper lubrication on this and other slash archives. I hope it doesn't offend the authors of said stories, but we were worried that some poor impressionable young person would read them and land himself and his partner in the hospital.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Alliance, I've merely borrowed them for entertainment and (hopefully) educational purposes and will return them when I'm done, a bit sadder but wiser.

BURN, BABY, BURN

"Oh, Rennie!"

"Ray!"

"Wait, we can't, not here-"

"In here." Turnbull managed to find the doorknob to the Queen's Bedroom without breaking contact with Kowalski. They stumbled inside, and as the door slammed shut behind them he found himself pressed against it as eager fingers swiftly unbuttoned his tunic. Exactly fifty-seven seconds later, they were both naked, and tumbled unceremoniously into the bed in a tangle of arms and legs.

"Wait," Ray gasped. "Is there anything we can use for, you know..."

"I'll check the first aid kit. I stocked it personally for every foreseeable circumstance, although I must admit that this is one I had not anticipated. However, a Mountie must be resourceful. Any cream, or gel... aha!" He held up a tube with a satisfied smile and squeezed a large dollop of the thick white cream into his palm. Still smiling, he returned to the bed.

They lay contentedly in postcoital langour. After a few minutes, however, Turnbull began to shift uncomfortably, and Ray rubbed himself meditatively. Suddenly, Kowalski turned to his lover. "Do you feel a tingle?"

"A tingle?"

"Yeah. More of a, a burn, actually. Down there."

"Yes, I believe I do. And it seems to be getting worse." He winced in pain.

"Shit, you're right. You know, the book said it could hurt some at first but I never expected this!" Ray was almost doubled over by now, and he watched in horror as his partner began to writhe in agony and, with a thud, rolled off the bed.

"Maybe we should, er, see a doctorrrrr..." Turnbull hissed between clenched teeth.

"Good idea." Kowalski managed to pick up the phone and dial 911 before collapsing in an incoherent moan. The call went through and a prerecorded voice began speaking.

"911 emergencies. All of our operators are currently dealing with other emergencies, so please stay on the line and your call will be forwarded as soon as an operator becomes available." He was ready to scream with pain and frustration by the time an actual person picked up and asked him to state the nature of his emergency.

"Please, I need an ambulance... Canadian Consulate." He could barely get the words out.

"Yes sir. The ambulance is on its way. Sir, would you please state the nature of your emergency?"

"I, uh..." How could he explain this? He could hear his partner's gasping groans from the other side of the bed, and the sound incited him to speech. "We, my, uh, partner and I, we were, uh, fooling around, and, uh, I think we did something wrong 'cause now it really hu-urtsss..." he doubled over again.

"Sir, please stay on the line. Could you please explain exactly what you were doing when the pain first started?"

"We were just lying there, I mean, we'd just had sex and this, this burning started and it's just getting worse and worse..."

"How long after sex did the burning start?"

"God, I dunno, five minutes maybe. When's that ambulance gonna get here?"

"Please be patient, sir. Is the burning localized, or is it more of a full-body reaction?"

"It's just my... my... you know."

"Your penis, sir?"

"Yeah. And his butt."

There was a startled silence for about two seconds, but when her voice resumed it was in the same businesslike tone. "This was anal sex?"

"Yeah. First time. We knew it was gonna hurt, but not like this, I mean, it feels like my thing's on fire!"

"It could be an allergic reaction. Did you use a condom?"

"Naw, naw. Just this cream stuff."

"What kind of cream?"

"I dunno, just some cream he found in the first aid kit. What the hell does it matter, cream's cream!"

"It's probably what's causing the reaction. Sir, could you please find the tube and bring it with you?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Look, I hear the sirens, I gotta go." He hung up the phone and staggered, clutching at his penis, to where his lover was lying in the fetal position beside the bed. Dropping to his knees, he shook the young man's shoulder. "Ren. Hey, Ren." Turnbull moaned and squinted up at him, and he continued. "Hey, buddy, we gotta find that stuff we used. Where'd you put it?"

"Table... white tube..."

Ray found the tube and turned as he heard footsteps outside. "In here!" he shouted. Suddenly remembering his deshabille, he grabbed a pair of boxers from where they hung on a bedside lamp and yanked them on. They were Turnbull's, and a size or two too big for him, but there was no time to look for his own as the door swung open and the paramedics hurried in. One quickly examined Turnbull and called for a stretcher as the other asked Ray if he thought he could walk. Within minutes, the two men were being rushed into the emergency room. Ray handed the tube to the examining physician and said, "The lady at 911 said it might be a reaction to this."

The doctor swiftly read the label on the tube. Then he read it again. "Capsaicin P. You used this to...?" he gestured meaningfully, his voice incredulous.

"Yeah." Ray answered miserably. "Can you do something?"

"We'll wash the area thoroughly to get rid of any residue and give you something for the pain. Your friend may require more extensive treatment. We'll have to admit him at least overnight for observation, and possibly longer. You really ought to read the labels on anything you plan to use, or better yet, stick to commercial lubricants. I'll have a nurse give you some pamphlets, and I want you to READ them before you try this again, OK?"

A few minutes later, as the nurse washed him, Ray asked, "What happened?"

"The cream you used as lubricant is designed as a salve for the treatment of arthritis," the nurse explained. "It contains capsaicin, the active ingredient in pepper spray. It can cause considerable discomfort even when it's used properly, but if it comes into contact with sensitive skin the pain can be severe and it REALLY shouldn't be used internally. Even without the pepper extract, there are chemicals used in external salves that can cause problems if they get inside. Even things like hand cream can be dangerous, and I've personally seen patients in here with complications after using sunscreen and once a couple that actually used dish soap!"

Ray grunted. He really didn't feel like laughing.

Turnbull lay on his side in the hospital bed. He'd had an enema and a sizeable dose of some kind of painkiller, but he was still distinctly uncomfortable. He was also mortified by the nature of his ailment, and if his tunic had been on him instead of draped unceremoniously over the Queen's headboard, he would have matched it every time one of the nurses came in to check on him. When Ray entered and lowered himself gingerly into the chair by his bedside, he moaned softly and closed his eyes.

"Hey, Rennie. They explain to you what happened?"

Turnbull nodded, keeping his eyes firmly shut.

"Guess we really blew it, huh? I mean, I wanted our first time to be special, and look where we ended up." Turnbull nodded again, silently. Ray continued. "Hey, look what one of the nurses gave me. Said it was made for stuff like this, so she doesn't wanna see us back here after using old motor oil. I think it was a joke."

Outside the curtained area, Nurse Silvina smiled grimly and shook her head. After the things she'd seen, WD-40 wasn't too farfetched. With a resigned sigh and a few bleak thoughts about people with an apparent congenital lack of sense, she continued on her rounds.

~THE END~

Email me with comments (compliments received with joy, otters cheerfully ducked) at circuli2@hotmail.com