Wrote this waiting for my flowsheet to simulate at work. This is a first-time effort from someone who is mourning the loss of her favourite TV show, so please be kind!
All standard disclaimers/apologies apply (but if Alliance doesn't want the characters any more, I don't see why I can't have them!)
by Nicola Heiser
SCENE
At a dinner. POV of the speakers, panning around the room during the dialogue to stop on FRASER, who is talking to someone beside him. His head blocks our view of her; all we can see is that she has dark hair. Meanwhile, we can hear three females speaking; their voices sound vaguely familiar.
FEMALE #1: Bitch.
FEMALE #2: Slut
FEMALE #3: Tramp.
FEMALE #1: I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. The bitch.
FEMALE #2: She's probably going to wear white. As if! The slut.
FEMALE #3: It should be scarlet. The tramp.
RAY wanders past with a glass of champagne on his way to his place near Fraser.
RAY: (grinning) Ladies, ladies! Envy is so not your colour! Besides, he thinks she looks good in red. (he goes to his place, and we pan around to see the women)
FEMALE #1 (Elaine): Bitch.
FEMALE #2 (Frannie): Slut.
FEMALE #3 (Mackenzie King): Tramp.
RAY: (Standing; lifting his glass) Ladies and gentlemen - (everyone looks around, including FRASER, and we see that he was talking to THATCHER) The happy couple!
ALL rise, lifting their glasses in toast.
ALL: The happy couple!
END SCENE.
SCENE
The wedding day. We follow RAY, in dress uniform, as he tries to arrange everything. He goes up the stairs of the church, flicking dust off TURNBULL, who is standing on guard near the entrance with OVITZ, both in dress reds.
RAY: Keep up the good work, guys. (Enters the church; it is bedlam as all the people we recognise from the various episodes try to crowd into the groom's side. There are maybe three people in the bride's.) Oh, my God, people! (Rushes in) Come on, give me a break here! Some of you sit in the bride's section, okay? Make it look like she has friends. (no response) Please? As a favour to Benny! You won't get a seat otherwise.
GUEST: What about that pew near the front? (waves to the front. We look over for a moment; FRASER, in dress reds, is sitting in a pew apparently by himself.)
RAY: Uh, that's taken, sorry.
GUEST: I don't see anyone sitting there. Fraser's going to be at the front, right? (grins at his own joke)
RAY: (fake grin) Just trust me, okay?
We move to join FRASER, but he isn't alone. FRASER SR is sitting beside him, talking, along with FRASER'S MOTHER and GRANDPARENTS, LOUIS GARDINO, MR VECCHIO and standing at the end, FROBISHER'S HORSE.
FRASER SR: (continuing what we can only assume is a long, long list of advice for his son on his wedding day) One thing you're going to learn pretty damn smart, son, is that you're never going to learn anything about women. They're not like caribou; continued observation counts for nothing... You're not listening to me at all, son, are you?
FRASER: I can't believe you brought the horse, Dad.
FRASER SR: He wanted to come, son. Besides, Buck asked.
RAY rushes up.
RAY: The bridal party's here, Benny. Showtime.
RAY and FRASER take their places before the altar and FATHER BEHAN. The other groomsmen are HUEY and LT WELSH. Music starts, usual wedding thing. We turn to look at the entrance of the church, and the procession starts; DIEFENBAKER trots forward with the rings on a cushion in his mouth, and MACKENZIE KING, FRANNIE and ELAINE are the bridesmaids. We look back at RAY and FRASER as they watch.
RAY: She doesn't have friends of her own, huh, Benny?
FRASER: (ignoring that comment) Ray, was it really necessary to handcuff the bridesmaids?
RAY: (shrugging) Yeah, unless you wanted to spend your honeymoon at your wife's funeral. Anyway, the bouquets hide the handcuffs really well, I think.
MACKENZIE KING, FRANNIE and ELAINE move forward to reveal THATCHER on FROBISHER's arm. They are both in dress uniform.
FROBISHER: So, you decided to go for the dress reds instead of the more traditional white gown.
THATCHER: Yeah, well, I'm officially hated by every woman north and south of the border, and I'm going to have my back to them all for the duration of the service. I think I prefer the protection of thick red serge to thin white silk.
FROBISHER: There are also enough of us in dress reds to hide you in the event of a riot.
THATCHER: Why do you think I invited Ovitz and Turnbull?
FROBISHER: Of course, Fraser is going to have a bit of trouble undressing you tonight.
THATCHER: Just wait till he gets to the bullet-proot vest.
FROBISHER: Oh, good, sexy lingerie.
THATCHER: Yeah, it was one of my hens' night gifts. I think it was a hint.
They reach the altar, and they do the usual thing. We watch the service for a bit; a concise version of the standard vows, until...
FRASER: (to RAY) Did you have to come armed?
RAY: Yeah, Benny, I think we did.
FATHER BEHAN: (looking a little worried) If there is anyone here who knows of a reason why this man and this woman should not be joined together in holy matrimony, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.
There is muttering from the guests and the bridesmaids, growing steadily louder. THATCHER starts to look uneasy, FRASER surprised. Then we hear marching footsteps, and OVITZ and TURNBULL stand at the end of the aisle, armed with rifles. There is a distinct clicking sound as they and the police/groomsmen remove the safeties from their guns and look around significantly. DIEFENBAKER snarls. The murmuring settles, and FATHER BEHAN, looking relieved, continues.
FRASER: Thank you, Ray.
THATCHER: Thank you, Detective.
RAY: Yeah, no problem. I was too cheap to fork out for a real present.
The service continues, with a number of the women present bursting into loud tears as FATHER BEHAN says,
FATHER BEHAN: ...and with the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
This seemingly simple task is made rather difficult by the Stetsons, but the dedicated Mounties perservere.
RAY: (thoroughly disgusted) Oh, you're kissing her again? Oh, that is the grossest thing I've ever seen!
He is ignored. Suddenly, there is a stir from the guests, and we hear footsteps coming up the aisle. TURNBULL and OVITZ lie vanquished and unconscious on the floor, and VICTORIA, her face glowering, confronts them all.
VICTORIA: (angry, "you have a lot of explaining to do") Fraser...
FRASER: (startled) Oh. Victoria.
RAY, reaching for his gun, moves as if to go after her, but THATCHER pushes him back.
THATCHER: Out of my way, Detective.
High Noon-style, THATCHER, her face coldly furious, stalks towards VICTORIA, who prepares for a fight.
FRASER: (very worried) Oh, dear.
And we end the scene as the first punch is thrown.
Now you know why this episode was lost... :^)
Nik
Nicola Heiser
"It's a curious thing, reality, isn't it?"
Benton Fraser, Due South
Nicola Heiser died on 24th October 1997, and is greatly missed by her friends and fans of her writing.