Title: "Daytime Drama"
Author: JenAsayKwa
Pairings: Various and Sundry
Disclaimer: You know, it's kind of like borrowing a friend's dolls. You get
to play with them for a while, but then you have to give them back.
Rating: PG
Notes: I lay the blame for this one entirely at Tam's feet for a comment she made back in January that happened to pop into my mind today. Thanks to Aislinn for quick beta and encouraging comments.
Warnings: some m/f implied, but it's all in fun.

This is a parody of a soap opera. If the characters don't behave exactly as you would expect them, it's because they're overacting.


**Ray's apartment**

Fraser and Ray stood in the kitchen, each drinking their preferred morning beverage, savoring these last moments before they left for work. "So Frase, what are your plans for the day?"

"Well Ray, I do have some business to attend to at the consulate this morning, but I should be able to meet you at the precinct after lunch."

Ray put down his mug and pressed his body into Fraser's, leaning in to speak right into Fraser's ear. "That's good. I don't like you being out my sight for too long. You might get into trouble without me there to keep an eye on you."

"Ray," Fraser breathed, "This really isn't a good idea right now. We need to leave for work. Lieutenant Welsh has stated that if you were late again, he would, and I quote, 'have your ass.'"

"Oh yeah? I'd like to see him try."

Fraser let out a moan as Ray's teeth closed onto his earlobe.

**Fade to commercial**

**Canadian Consulate**

Fraser sat at his desk, responding to an email he had just received. "Dearest Detective Armani," he typed. "Thank you for your most recent message. It was most stimulating. Unfortunately, I am at work now, and cannot respond with the enthusiasm worthy of your correspondence. Be assured your words, and the emotions behind them, will remain with me throughout the day. Stay safe. Yours, Big Red."

Fraser pushed his chair back from his desk and stood up, painfully aware of the tightness in his groin. His correspondences with Detective Armani always seemed to leave him in this condition. If he didn't take care of it, he would be unable to concentrate on his work. He went to the door and poked his head out into the hall. "Constable Turnbull," he called out. "Could you please come into my office?"

Fraser stepped back into his office as Turnbull followed him in and shut the door. "Yes sir, how may I be of assistance to you?"

"I've just received a most stimulating message, and I am in need of some relief, if you get my meaning." Fraser gestured toward his nether regions for emphasis.

"Yes of course, sir," Turnbull replied as he sank to his knees, his hands already at Fraser's fly.

**Fade to commercial**

**27^th Precinct**

"Vecchio, in my office, now!"

Ray cringed at Welsh's barked command, but obeyed. "Yes, sir?"

"Where's the Mountie?"

"Uh sir, he's working at the consulate this morning. He'll be in later."

Welsh walked around the office, closing the blinds as he circled the blond detective. "It has come to my attention that the Constable has not been paying you as much attention as he should be."

"Yeah well, Fraser has a lot of interests and responsibilities."

Welsh stopped his circling when he was standing directly behind Ray, leaning over his shoulder to speak in his ear. "While Fraser is busy with his other responsibilities, maybe I could interest you in some of my attentions."

Ray leaned back into the body of the older man. "Yes, sir."

**Fade to commercial**

**Canadian Consulate**

Fraser entered Inspector Thatcher's office. "Yes Inspector, you wanted to see me."

Thatcher was standing behind her desk. "Yes Constable, I wanted to update you on that...personal business you have been assisting me with."

"Personal business, sir?"

"Yes Fraser, that very personal business. You were helping me with the forms..."

"Ah yes, that business. Well, I sent off those forms quite a few weeks ago. Have you heard something back?"

"Yes, I have. I've been put on a waiting list. It would seem there is much more demand than I had expected."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that sir."

Thatcher came around her desk to stand directly in front of Fraser. "Constable, there is still something you could do."

"There is sir?"

Thatcher placed her hand on Fraser's chest. "We could revert to you're original plan."

Fraser cleared his throat. "Well yes, that would seem to be the sensible thing to do. However, as I'm sure you are aware, in this venture, timing is crucial."

"I've checked my calendar, Fraser. The timing is perfect." To emphasize her point, Thatcher ripped open the velcro on Fraser's collar.

Fraser smiled and wrapped his arm around Thatcher's waist. "Well then, lets get to it, shall we?"

**Fade to commercial**

**27th Precinct**

Ray saw his ex-wife enter the bullpen. "Hey Stella, how are you doing?"

"Ray, we need to talk, privately."

"Sure Stella. Do you want to get together later?"

"No Ray, now." She pulled him into the storage closet and closed the door.

"What's this about, Stella?"

"Ray, our divorce wasn't legal."

"What are you talking about?"

"We flew all that way, down to the Dominican Republic, paid all that money, for a quickie divorce, and it wasn't even legal!"

"Well, that's some problem you've got there."

"What are you talking about, Ray? It's not my problem, it's our problem."

"Come on Stella, I knew you were drunk at our wedding, but I didn't think you were stupid."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"That wasn't me you married in that tacky wedding chapel in Las Vegas. It was my brother!"

**Fade to commercial**

**Elsewhere at the 27th**

Fraser entered the bullpen and looked around for Ray. Not seeing his partner, he turned to Frannie to see if she knew of his whereabouts. "Good afternoon, Francesca. Have you seen Ray?"

"Yeah, I think he's talking to his ex-wife. Speaking of which, you and I need to talk, come on." She dragged Fraser into the interrogation room and shut the door behind them.

"Okay Fraser, I want to know once and for all, how do you feel about me?"

"Well Francesca, as I'm sure you know, it is quite difficult for me to speak of my feelings."

"Try."

"Alright. I feel quite close to you. In fact, I consider you as I would a member of my family. Family members often feel a kind of love..."

Frannie cut him off, "Don't talk to me about love, Fraser. I know the truth. The truth is you could never love me the way I want to be loved. The only Vecchio you loved that way was my brother!"

Fraser slapped her hard across the cheek. "Your brother was the only one who deserved my love." He turned and opened the door, pausing in the doorway when Frannie spoke.

"Fraser," she said with a hard edge to her voice he hadn't heard before. Fraser turned, and saw the gun in her hand.

"If I can't have you, no one will!"

BANG!

**Fade to credits**

Join us next time, when we find out if Fraser was shot. Just where did Frannie obtain a gun? If Ray wasn't really married to Stella, why did he bother with the divorce? Who is the mysterious Detective Armani, and what exactly is so stimulating about his correspondence? These questions and more will be answered next time on due South.