(Standard, all-purpose disclaimer) All pre-existing characters are the property of the creators and producers of "Due South." No copyright infringement is intended. All new characters and situations are the sole property and responsibility of the author.
Warning ... everybody gets slashed in this one, but (*sigh*) no one gets around to doing anything. In other words, and being as specific as I can, very tame m/m and f/f content.
**MEMO FROM BUFFY**
... Let's just say that hell hath no fury like an Evil Twin in the throes of a major hissy fit. ;) Subtitle this one "I'll Slash Whoever I Darn Well Please, Thank You Very Much."
by Buffy
"Pssst -- Benny!"
Ben looked around curiously; the hallway at the precinct seemed to be deserted. "Ray?"
"In here." An Armani-clad arm beckoned to him from their usual closet. "Quick, before anyone sees you."
Shrugging, Ben said, "Come along, Dief -- Diefenbaker?" He turned just in time to see the plume of the wolf's tail disappearing around the corner.
Ben shook his head and slipped into the closet. "Your message sounded urgent. Is anything the matter?"
"Is anything the *matter*?" Ray slid his hands over his close- cropped hair and favored the Mountie with his most accusing, most meaningful expression. It had no apparent effect, so he went on. "My entire understanding of the world is shattered, and it's all your fault."
"Oh." Ben frowned in consternation. "I'm certainly sorry to hear that. Of course, I apologize unreservedly, Ray. But ... Ray? What did I *do*?" he finished plaintively.
"Do? It was that damn Canadian-American mixer you made us all go to. I always knew all you people were insane, but I didn't think it was contagious!"
Ben thought back for a few seconds, trying to remember if there had been any signs of impeding doom that he had missed at the time. "Actually, Ray, as I recall everybody who was there had a very nice evening."
Ray glared at him. "Oh, yeah. They all had a real nice time, Fraser. In fact, they're all still having real nice times. With each other."
"Really?" Ben looked intrigued. "You mean that they're all in relationships with one another? I wasn't expecting that." He beamed. "How nice."
"Nice?" Ray hissed. "*Nice*?" He took a deep breath to calm himself. "Fraser, do you have any idea who's dating who?"
"Well ... no."
"I'll start at the top. Lieutenant Welsh is dating Buck Frobisher."
"Oh my."
"Yep. Turns out they both like opera, they both like the Musical Ride -- Welsh says as long as he keeps Buck away from moose tongue and gorgonzola, it's a perfect match."
"Who else?" Ben asked weakly.
Ray was taking a slightly malicious pleasure in breaking all this to the Mountie -- after all, it *was* his fault. "Your Inspector. My sister. They're a couple." Ben's jaw dropped even more. "That's right. Looks like Frannie decided one Mountie was as good as another. They're going to Atlantic City together this weekend. Frannie asked to borrow my handcuffs. I don't even wanna *think* about what that means."
"No. No, neither do I." Ben lowered himself to the floor. "Who else?" he asked, dreading the answer.
"Special Agent Ford and your buddy Eric." Ray seated himself across from Ben and made himself comfortable.
Ben's eyebrows flew up. "Eric is dating *him*? I didn't think Ford was his type."
"His *type*? Who exactly *is* Eric's type, then?" Ben flushed a deep crimson, visible even in the dim light of the closet. Ray looked at him in disbelief. "You're kidding."
"We were both sixteen, all right? It was a sweat lodge incident that got out of hand," Ben said defensively.
"Huh." Ray thought about it, then shrugged. "Whatever."
Looking intently at the brim of his hat, Ben said, "Who else?"
"Well, there's Huey and some hockey player. I don't remember his name."
"It's not Mark Smithbauer, is it?"
Ray shook his head. "Nah."
"Good. At least someone is still straight," Ben muttered under his breath.
"He wasn't at the mixer. Give it time," Ray said grimly. "Geez, I know I'm forgetting somebody ..."
There was a light tap on the door. Reaching up, Ray turned the handle. "Yeah?"
Elaine stood in front of them, her curly hair swept up. Instead of her typical uniform, she was wearing a low-cut black velvet dress. "I was pretty sure I'd find you two in here." Bending down, she gave Ben a quick kiss on the cheek. "Fraser, I owe you so much! That mixer was a wonderful idea."
"I'm glad you liked it," Ben said faintly.
"Oh, yeah. Elaine. Tell him who you're dating, Elaine," Ray said
in an easy, conversational tone.
"Jasmine." Elaine did a little twirl where she was standing. "Do you think she'll like this dress? We're going dancing tonight."
Ben nodded. "You look lovely, Elaine. But then, you always do."
"Don't even think about it, Fraser." She wagged a playful finger at him. "You had your chance. I'm spoken for. Well, bye bye, now. You two have fun in here." She closed the door, and the two men heard the clicking of her heels as she went down the hallway.
Sighing, Ben said, "So Elaine is dating the consulate secretary."
"Yep." Ray folded his arms and stared at the Mountie. "I hope you're happy."
"Me?" Ben stood and twitched his tunic back into place. "You certainly can't hold me responsible for any of this, Ray." Opening the closet door, he stepped back into the hall. "How was I to know that all the people we work with have hidden homosexual tendencies? It's not the sort of thing you can tell just by looking at a person, you know."
Following him, Ray said slowly, "So what are you saying? That everyone in a five-mile radius of us is either gay or bi ... except for us?"
"Ah. Yes. Well." Ben's steps faltered. He stared into space; his face brightening, he said, "Diefenbaker."
"Oh yeah?" Ray jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Take another look, Mister Smarty-jodhpurs."
Ben peered around Ray. There, in a corner near the vending machines, Dief was looking soulfully into the warm, chocolate brown eyes of a Labrador Retriever, who was gazing back with equal adoration. "That's Fred. He's one of our drug-sniffing dogs."
"Oh. Oh dear. That seems to be everyone, doesn't it?" Shrugging philosophically, he turned back to Ray. "Well, I usually frown on peer pressure, but ..."
"Everybody else is doing it, so why can't we?" Ray finished for him. Taking Ben's arm, he started pulling the Mountie toward the stairs. "Your place, my place, or the Riv?"
"Perhaps we should start in the Riv and work our way down the list."
"Sounds great to me, Benny. Not like I had any other plans ..."
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Katrina
Bowen -- kbowen@willowtree.com
I looked at him stupidly. I have a good stupid look which I have practiced.
--Margaret
Atwood, _Alias
Grace_
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