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The Game of Love

by Ruthie Biermann

Detective Ray Kowalski peered over Constable Benton Fraser's shoulder as the Mountie completed the form in the Emergency Room of Cook County Hospital. There had been a slight accident at the Consulate, and while his injuries did not appear to be serious, Inspector Thatcher had ordered Fraser to the hospital to have them attended to.

"Put an 'N' there, Frase," Ray stated as he pointed to a question on the form.

Fraser squinted his eyes, an expression of confusion on his face. "It says, 'SEX', Ray. Why would I write an 'N' as the response?

'N' stands fer 'no', Frase, or in yer case, it could stand fer 'never'.......unless you been holding out on me," he grinned.

"I have not been holding out on you, Ray, and the correct response here would be an 'M'," Fraser replied somewhat annoyed, as he filled in the space.

"Oh, yeah, fer Mountie," Ray nodded in understanding.

"No, Ray, the "M" is for......"

"I know, Frase, I'm just yanking yer chain.

At that moment, a nurse appeared and called out Fraser's name.

"Ya want me to go in with you?" Ray asked, concern showing on his face.

"No, Ray, thank you. I'm sure I can handle it alone," Fraser replied as he rose from his chair to follow the nurse into the examination room.

"Okay, I'll just wait here," Ray scooped up a magazine from the table and began thumbing through it.

After about thirty minutes, Fraser emerged from the examination room, a bandage on his left hand, his face matching the red color of his serge uniform.

Ray looked up from his magazine, "Hey, what's up, Frase? You look like you got some sun in there."

"Never mind, Ray," Fraser commented over his shoulder as he approached the nurse behind the desk. When all the necessary paperwork had been completed, Fraser turned to find Ray still reading the magazine.

"Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray!"

"Yeah, Frase, I heard ya the first time....I just wanted to finish reading this article," Ray said as he rose from his chair, tossing the magazine back onto the table.

"Oh, and what did you find so interesting?"

"Wow, Frase, do you know the ten best lines to get a woman into bed?" Ray asked, his eyes sparkling.

"Well, I would imagine you could say, 'you look like you have a temperature, perhaps you should go to bed'," Fraser responded as he held the door open for Ray.

"Hardy ha ha, Fraser, I wasn't kidding."

"Well, neither was I, Ray. A temperature is nothing to joke about."

"Fraser....."

"Ray, I'm only yanking your chain, as you put it," Fraser smiled as they approached the GTO. "What magazine were you reading anyway?"

"Uh, I think it was Men's Health." Ray started the GTO and drove towards the parking lot exit.

"Men's Health would have an article like that?"

"Yeah, sure, Frase. It all has to do with a guy stayin' healthy."

"What does, Ray?"

"Ya know, good food, good exercise, good sex.......," Ray explained as he glanced towards his partner, grinning.

"Yes, well, thank you for the explanation."

"Anytime, buddy. So, Frase, why were you the color of my mom's tomato sauce when ya came outta the examination room?" He cast his eyes furtively towards his partner.

Fraser stirred uncomfortably in his seat. "Well, Ray, when you puncture your skin on a rusty nail, it's necessary to receive a tetanus injection." He paused turning his head to look out the passenger window.

"Come on, Frase, so ya got a tetanus shot, so what?" Ray asked impatiently.

"Well, actually, the nurse administered the injection....well....um, she gave it to me, uh......"

"Below the 49^th parallel, Fraser?" Ray was holding back the laughter.

"Uh, yes, Ray, that's one way of putting it." Fraser loosened his collar.

"Ya know, Frase, the last time I got a tetanus shot, the nurse gave it ta me in my arm."

"Oh, really?"

"Uh, yeah." Ray gave Fraser a wicked smile. "Lemme ask ya something.....did the nurse say anything to you like....like, maybe she thought you had warm eyes or beautiful, soft skin?"

Fraser's head snapped in Ray's direction. "Of course not, Ray, why would she......"

"Well, Frase, it sounds ta me like she was hot fer you, and that's one of the lines that's supposed to get a woman into bed.....she coulda been using it on you." Ray shifted his eyes towards Fraser while keeping his head facing the road.

"Now, that's just silly, Ray. She is a professional and she was doing her job, although....she did say I have a very sensuous full mouth......"

"She what?" Ray whipped his head towards Fraser.

"I'm being jocular," Fraser explained.

"Hey, Frase, it ain't very Mountie like to refer yerself as a jock," Ray frowned as he turned his attention back to his driving.

"Jocular, Ray, comical, jovial, humorous."

"Oh, yeah, okay, Fraser, yer a laugh riot."

"Why, thank you, Ray."

"Yer welcome."

"It seems to me that you've had a one track mind these past few days," Fraser noted.

"Well, ya know, it's Spring, and a young man's fancy......" Ray's voice trailed off as his eyes followed an attractive young woman crossing the street.

Fraser watched his partner eyeing the young woman. "I understand."

"What about yer fancy, Fraser?"

"Well, I thought we were discussing you, Ray."

"Nah, we're discussin' young men in general.....ya know, you, me, Turnbull."

"Well, I would venture to say that Turnbull fits into his own category," Fraser remarked casually.

"And what category would that be?"

"I'm still trying to figure that one out," Fraser replied, a smile on his face.

"Ya know, Frase, in this game of love, us guys could use all the help we can get," Ray remarked as they pulled up in front of the Consulate.

"I could never ascertain why romance is often designated as a game, since one participant does not win and the other lose, which is usually the focus of a game," Fraser mused as he exited the GTO and approached the front door of the Consulate, Ray at his side.

"Sure it's a game, why else would they call it 'scoring'?

"That is a derogatory term used to objectify women."

"Hey, Frase, I don't object to women, I love 'em all, well, a lot of 'em anyway."

"No, Ray, by objectify, I mean men tend to consider women as objects, in this case, objects specifically designed for the pleasure of men."

"Yeah, so what's yer point?" Ray asked, squinting at his partner.

As they entered the front hall of the Consulate, Diefenbaker bounded out from Fraser's office to greet them. Petting the excited wolf, Ray glanced over to notice Constable Turnbull sitting at the reception desk poring over a menu.

"Hey, Turnbull," Ray called from across the hall.

Turnbull reluctantly tore his eyes away from his reading. "Why, hello, Detective Vecchio, welcome to Canada," he said with a smile, then quickly turned his attention back to the menu.

Ray walked over and sat on the edge of the reception desk. "Turnbull, gotta ask ya something," he said as he leaned forward, peering over the piece of paper in Turnbull's hand.

"Yes, of course," Turnbull looked up and saw Fraser standing next to Ray. "Hello, Constable Fraser. And how is your wound?"

Fraser opened his mouth to respond, but before he could say anything, Ray jumped in. "His wound's fine....used it to get some action from the nurse in the ER."

"Action?" Turnbull questioningly turned his head back and forth between both men.

"Never mind, Turnbull," Fraser admonished as he shot a disapproving glance towards his partner.

Ray ignored Fraser's tacit reprimand and turned back to face the young Constable behind the desk. "What do ya think of women, Ren?" Ray asked appearing very staid, his brow furrowed.

"Uh...well...in what sense?" Turnbull asked somewhat flustered.

"Well, do ya think they were put on this earth to serve men?"

"Well, Detective, yes, I believe some women make very good waitresses, but then again, I have, on several occasions, been served very competently by waiters, so you could say......"

"No, Turnbull," Ray interrupted, exasperated. "That's not what I meant. Lemme see if I can make this more clear fer you."

"Well, I would appreciate that, Detective."

"Ray," Fraser interjected, "don't you think you should be getting back to the precinct. I'm sure Leftenant Welsh....."

"I'm busy, Fraser. Believe me, if Welsh knew what we were talking about, he'd understand."

Fraser stared at Ray with a confused but annoyed expression on his face. Ray smiled and turned back to Turnbull.

"Now, Ren, when it comes to men and women, don't ya think a woman should always defer to the desires and needs of her man, ya know, since men are superior and all?"

"Excuse me!" All three men turned to face Inspector Thatcher standing in the hallway, her hands on her hips, her mouth open in shock.

"Ah, Inspector Thatcher....Detective Vecchio was just leaving," Fraser uttered quickly as he grabbed Ray's arm and pulled him to his feet.

"Just a moment, Constable," Thatcher barked as she quickly approached Ray, stopping a mere few inches from his face. "What is this gibberish you're expounding in the hall of my Consulate, Detective?"

"Nothin' to get excited over, Inspector, I....uh.....I was just, uh....."

"He was conducting a survey, sir," Fraser jumped in.

"Uh, yeah, I was conducting a survey," Ray repeated awarding Fraser an appreciative glance.

"Oh really? And what's this survey for?" Thatcher asked suspiciously.

Ray looked pleadingly towards Fraser for assistance, receiving a scowl in return. "Well, sir, Detective Vecchio was conducting a survey concerning men's health.....and women's health....and, well, what one might conjecture to be the ten most advantageous statements a man might say to a woman to increase their, uh......level of communication," Fraser stammered in explanation.

"And this would be for?" Thatcher questioned Ray.

"Uh, well, being a student of human behavior as I am....uh.....this survey is mainly for personal enlightenment and education." Ray replied, eyes narrowed, silently hoping Thatcher would buy what he just said.

"That was a fine sentence, Ray," Fraser commented.

"Thanks, Frase."

"Wait a minute, Detective," Thatcher shook her head. "You're telling me that you are interested in the study of human behavior?" She asked incredulously.

"Yeah, that's me, can't learn enough about people and what makes them itch... uh...I mean, tick."

"All right, Detective, so what is it exactly you need to know. I believe Constable Fraser mentioned something about ten statements a man might say to a woman?"

"Uh, yeah, Inspector," Ray quickly retrieved a pen and pad from his pocket, "what do ya think a man should say to you, fer instance, to...um...increase yer level of commotion."

"That's communication, Ray." Fraser corrected.

"Uh, yeah, that's what I said."

"Well, Detective," Thatcher squinted her eyes in thought, "if you really are interested....hmm, I would say......if a man told me that he was impressed by my knowledge of forethought, my calm rationalization and decision making in times of crises, and my stern but fair handling of those in my charge, I feel that would serve to greatly enhance the extent of our interaction with one another, as I would feel appreciated as well as understood by that individual," Thatcher smiled, pleased with her response.

"Whew, well, that would do it fer me," Ray suppressed a laugh as he scribbled something in his pad.

"I assume my response satisfies your thirst for knowledge on this topic?" She asked Ray, somewhat smugly.

"Oh, yeah, satisfies me big time." Ray noticed Fraser's scowl. "Um, Inspector, thank you fer yer time. Frase, you coming to the precinct with me?" Ray smiled sweetly at his partner.

"Yes, Ray," Fraser faced Inspector Thatcher. "Sir, I've completed my reports in triplicate, and......."

"Go ahead, Constable," Thatcher interrupted. "Good-bye, Detective....oh, and if you ever require additional information to satisfy your desire for knowledge, I'm your man," she recited proudly.

"I won't argue with that," Ray quipped. "Come on Frase....see ya, Turnbull."

Turnbull again looked up from his menu, "Ah, yes, Detective, and happy hunting."

"Okay....what?" Ray stopped and peered over his shoulder.

"I hope you find a waitress that serves you well, Detective," Turnbull explained.

"Yeah, Turnbull, don't we all," Ray turned and strolled out of the Consulate, Fraser and Diefenbaker following.

As they approached the GTO, Ray proceeded to return the pad and pen to his pocket.

"Ray, what exactly did you write?" Fraser asked, reaching for the pad.

Smiling, Ray handed him the pad and walked around to the driver's side of the car. As he waited for Ray to unlock the passenger side, Fraser read what Ray had written. Shaking his head, he opened the door, pulling the seat forward for Diefenbaker, and situated himself in the front seat, depositing his stetson on the dashboard. He glanced over towards Ray, who kept his eyes straight ahead, apparently trying to suppress a smile.

"Ray. This isn't very nice."

"What isn't, Frase?" Ray asked in his most innocent tone.

"You know what I'm referring to....what you wrote about Inspector Thatcher."

"Fraser, what did I write that's so bad?"

Fraser sighed as he read from the pad. "Ten ways to get the Ice Queen into bed......Not!"

"So, what's so bad about that? I'm just not interested, that's all."

"Ray, Inspector Thatcher can be a very warm person, yet you insist on portraying her as....."

"Lemme just ask you one thing, Frase, and then I'll shut up about the Ice Queen."

Fraser took a deep breath. "Go ahead, Ray."

"If you threw a bucket of water over her head, would she melt?"

"Ray!"

"Just kidding, Fraser." Ray was silent for a few moments. "But ya, know, Frase, I could just hear her screaming, 'I'm melting! I'm.......'"

"Ray!"

"Sorry, Frase."

Fraser regarded his partner as he made his way though the heavy city traffic towards the 27th precinct.

"Ray, do you really feel that way about women?" He asked, rubbing his eyebrow with his thumbnail.

"What way?"

"Well, that their main purpose on earth is to pleasure men."

"I didn't use to while I was married to Stella.....but look where that got me. So, I turned over a new leaf, and on the other side, I found a whole new attitude," Ray announced.

"Ray, I don't think that's very healthy." At that moment, Diefenbaker whined loudly in the back seat.

Ray eyed the wolf in his rear view mirror. "See, Frase, Dief agrees with me."

Fraser shook his head. "So, Ray, you've sunk so low that you side with a wolf on how to view the opposite sex."

"Look, Fraser, out of the three of us in this car, Dief's the one who's scored the most, so I'm with him," Ray defended his attitude.

"There's that word again, Ray, score. I repeat, that's not a very healthy outlook."

"Hey, Frase, the article in Men's Health magazine was about getting women into bed, so it has to be healthy. I rest my case."

Fraser thought he would try again. "Ray, how would you like it if a woman treated you merely as a sex object and nothing more?"

"Oooh, Frase."

"Sorry I asked."

They arrived at the precinct, Fraser still determined to change Ray's new chauvinist attitude towards women. Ray had never spoken in this manner before, and Fraser felt that deep down his partner didn't really harbor those feelings. It was probably just a defense mechanism.

As they entered the squad room, Ray and Fraser noticed Francesca talking to a man by the door, the man leaning towards Francesca, obviously very interested in what she had to say. Ray sat down behind his desk, Fraser taking his usual chair, Dief stopping at Francesca's desk, watching the slender brunette as she spoke to the stranger.

"Looks like Dief's jealous," Ray noted.

Fraser turned to look at Dief and then at the conversing couple. "He feels very protective of Francesca."

"Yeah, well, Frannie can take care of herself." Ray tilted his head as he watched the twosome. "Who is that guy anyway?"

"I don't know, Ray, I've never seen him before."

"I'll be right back......you want a coffee?"

"No, Ray, thank you."

Ray rose from his chair and approached the lunch room, observing the couple as he walked slowly towards them. His eyes were drawn to a stack of papers the man was carrying under his arm. Stopping in his tracks, Ray turned and quickly returned to his desk, dropping into his chair, a tense expression on his face.

"Ray, what's wrong? I thought you were getting some coffee?" Fraser asked, concerned about his partner's demeanor.

"I can't believe it, Frase, he, uh.....that's Frannie," he stammered.

"Yes, Ray, that is Francesca. What's wrong?"

"That guy's she's with....he's got a copy of Men's Health Magazine under his arm.....and he's talkin' to Frannie," Ray almost whined.

"Well, perhaps he's concerned about his health, Ray," Fraser replied innocently, well aware of what was troubling his partner.

"Frazoor, that's the same magazine with the article about the ten best lines to get a woman into bed," Ray explained through clenched teeth.

"That doesn't mean he's going to apply those lines to Francesca, Ray. Besides, you just said that Francesca is very capable of taking care of herself."

At that moment, the man talking to Francesca leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. He turned and exited the squad room, Francesca holding the door open as she watched him leave.

"Frannie, come 'ere," Ray ordered from across the room.

Frannie looked up. "What, Ray. I got work to do." She quickly approached Ray and Fraser, her eyes drawn to the bandage on Fraser's hand.

"Oh, Fraser, you hurt yourself," she cooed as she touched Fraser's bandage.

Fraser quickly pulled his hand away, "Oh, it's nothing, Francesca, just a little accident. Not to worry."

"Well, you gotta be more careful, Frase. It would be a shame if you lost any of your special....talents," she smiled sweetly.

"Frannie, who was that guy?" Ray asked almost angrily.

"None of your business, Ray."

"Just tell me who he is," Ray demanded impatiently.

"Sheesh, if you must know, he's a guy I met the other day at the market. We're going out Saturday night. Happy?" She started to turn, but Ray reached forward and grabbed her arm.

"Ray, what is it with you?" She pulled her arm away.

"What do ya know about him?"

Francesca smiled. "Why, Ray, I'm touched....you're actually worried about me?"

"Well, you are my sister.....sorta."

"You don't have to worry, Ray. His name is Christopher and he's really nice. He told me that I have a beautiful smile and that my eyes light up a room," she boasted proudly.

Ray's eyes grew wide. "Fraser! That's one of them....that's one of the lines!" Ray was almost yelling.

"Ray, what are you ranting about?" Francesca asked disdainfully. "You probably aren't aware of this, but those are nice things to say to a woman."

"Yeah, Frannie, real nice. Don't you know what he's doing?" Ray was almost frantic now.

Fraser had to intercede. "Ray, I believe you're getting excited over nothing."

"Nothing? Are you kidding, Fraser? I told you, that's one of the lines!"

"Ray, what are you talking about? What lines?" Francesca asked exasperated.

"Listen, Frannie, maybe you shouldn't go out with this guy," Ray pleaded.

"Are you kidding me? What planet are you from? Did you see him, he's gorgeous!" she almost drooled.

"Frannie, guys like that, they're only interested in one thing. You don't want a guy like that," Ray was determined to get through to his newly acquired sister.

"Listen, Ray, you don't even know Chris," Francesca defended.

"Yeah, but Frannie, I know his type."

Before Francesca could respond, Fraser jumped in. "What type is that, Ray?" he asked, eyeing his partner carefully.

"You know, Fraser, he's a creep, only wants to date Frannie to see what he can get from her.....he's only interested in scor......." Ray stopped talking.

"What were you going to say, Ray? That he's only interested in scoring?" Fraser goaded his partner.

Ray dropped his head, shaking it slowly as he slumped down into his chair. He looked up at Fraser, who was watching him carefully, and gave him a knowing smile.

"Okay, Frase, you win."

"Does somebody wanna tell me what's going on here?" Francesca asked impatiently, her arms folded across her chest.

Ray looked at Francesca with obvious concern in his eyes. "Listen, Frannie, just be careful, okay? Don't do anything that doesn't feel right."

She smiled sweetly at Ray's warm tone. "Okay, Bro', thanks for caring. You don't have to worry, I know when I'm being handed a line."

"Good, Frannie. Have fun," he said wistfully.

Francesca squeezed Ray's hand in response, fluttered her long lashes at Fraser, and sauntered to her desk.

"Well, Frase, I guess I'm back to square one," Ray reflected.

"Not really, Ray. You have learned a valuable lesson, wouldn't you agree?"

Ray thought a moment. "Yeah, I guess so. From now on I'm sticking to Ring World."

"Good idea, Ray."

"One more question, though, Frase," Ray tilted his head to one side, a questioning glint in his eye.

"What's that, Ray?"

"What do ya think would happen if someone dropped a house on the Ice Queen?"

"Ray!"

The End

Feedback, positive or negative, welcomed BiermannR@home.com

Note: To the best of my knowledge, an article about the ten best lines to get a woman into bed never appeared in Men's Health Magazine.