(Standard, all-purpose disclaimer) All pre-existing characters are the property of the creators and producers of "Due South." No copyright infringement is intended. All new characters and situations are the sole property and responsibility of the author.
There are no ratings necessary this time. This story contains absolutely no slash content. None whatsoever. That's the farthest thing from my mind. Really. ... and I promise that this will by my last story on this subject. But why should I let Buffy have all the fun? :)
by Katrina Bowen.
"You know, Ray, I have to say -- and I don't usually use this kind of language, but it's called for in this case -- I think Inspector Thatcher has very nice hooters."
"Oh, I agree, Benny. So do my ex-wife and Louise. In fact, I can't pass a woman without looking at her breasts. I guess it's because I'm straight."
"True, Ray, very true." Ben paused, and went on thoughtfully. "It's certainly nice that we're both strictly heterosexual, isn't it?"
Ray nodded decisively. "Yep. Not that I have anything against homosexuality, you understand --"
"Oh, no. Neither do I," Ben put in. "I have no objections whatsoever. But I simply don't see you and I being together that way. I mean, you *are* my best friend, and we spend every waking moment together for no apparent reason, but I've never once thought of you in a romantic sense."
"Of course not. That would be indecent," Ray said. "Well, that was a good talk. I guess we can get out the closet now, huh?" He stood up and brushed off his jacket.
Ben put his hat back on. "Of course, Ray. I do enjoy these little talks of ours, and this closet is so convenient for the purpose." He opened the door, and the two friends went out into the hall.
A collective gasp of horror arose from the waiting crowd. Elaine fell into a dead faint and Hugo eased her to the floor, fanning her forehead with a sandwich wrapper. Huey gestured triumpantly towards Ben and Ray. "See? See? I *told* you they were going to come out of the closet!" He looked at Ray in disgust. "Louis was always right about you, wasn't he? I'm glad he didn't live to see this."
Lieutenant Welsh took a step forward and looked at the two sternly. "I'm shocked, appalled, and horrified by this kind of behavior. Vecchio, I know that I have no legal way to get you off the force for simply being gay, but I strongly advise you to resign. You'll never be accepted -- not that I, personally, have anything against homosexuals."
Ray looked at him in horror. "What are you talking about? We're not gay, either of us!"
"Then why did you come out of the closet?" Welsh asked with his usual impeccable logic.
"Because we were *in* the closet, Leftenant," Ben stammered.
"Not anymore, you're not, Constable," Thatcher said as she pushed her way through the crowd. Near tears, she said, "How *could* you? Toying with my affections, making me think you were something you weren't, just as a cover for your relationship with a man. With an *American* man," she added in disdain. "Why, I don't think Constable Turnbull will ever recover from the shock. You've completely destroyed his will to live."
Without so much as a bark of farewell, Diefenbaker looked at Ben disdainfully and went to find a Mountie whose sexuality was not in question.
"Raimondo, how could you?" Mrs. Vecchio appeared out of nowhere. Sobbing, she said, "You've just broken my heart." She fell dead of a massive coronary.
Frannie, also appearing out of nowhere, threw herself over her mother's body. Looking at Ray, she said, "Well, I just hope you're satisfied." Turning to Ben, she spat, "I was such a fool, throwing myself at you all this time when you were really in love with my brother.
Ben and Ray looked at one another; as one, they both collapsed into gibbering, shattered heaps, making sure that they did not touch in any way.
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The rest of the story is too sad to relate. Both Ben and Ray had to be institutionalized as a result of the trauma of people thinking they were lovers, when the truth was that neither had ever in any way considered such a thing. When they released, they agreed (through messages relayed by one of the institution's doctors) that they couldn't take the risk of ever being seen together.
Ben went back to Canada to become a hermit. Unfortunately, even in the far frozen wastes, his shameful secret soon became known, and he was constantly forced to move further and further north. He was last sighted somewhere in southern Siberia.
Unable to bear the guilt of knowing he was responsible for the
death of his mother, Ray joined a monastary and took a vow of silence. Neither he nor Ben ever recovered from the horrible incident of the closet.
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Katrina
Bowen -- kbowen@willowtree.com
I hate a dirty joke, I do,
unless it's told by someone who knows
how to tell it.
--Groucho Marx, _Animal
Crackers_
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