Fair warning: I had an organic chemistry exam last night that killed most of my brain. When it was over, three lonely little brain cells built a campfire in the smoldering wasteland of my skull and sat around toasting marshmallows. Around the 187^th rendition of "Kumbayah," one of them lit up and said, "I know! Let's see if we can write a Benny-and-Ray sex scene using only lines from the actual show!" And the other two dropped their marshmallow sticks and said, "Okay!" So this is what they came up with. Bonus points if you can name which ep each line is from-- some are spliced.

Rated R (or however dirty your mind is)

Pairing: RV/BF

Feedback welcome at rpt813@hotmail.com

MIXED NUTS

By Acer canadensis

*********************

Ray: Look I don't care what you have to confess, I don't want to hear it.

Fraser: I'm sorry Ray, I realize this may not be the best venue nor the most appropriate moment, but it's--

Ray: I'm working on a big missing-persons case. I haven't slept. This is the first chance I've gotten away from my desk in seventy-two hours and I'm trying to get some food, so can we do this some other time?

Fraser: I'm disturbing you.

Ray: Yes, you are.

Fraser: I should leave? Oh, Ray.

Ray: But you won't.

Fraser: Well, I am sorry, but there's a certain matter that I've withheld from you for some time now, and I feel if I don't clear my conscience soon...

Ray: Okay, okay, clear.

Fraser: Ray, there's something we'd better discuss... (pulls Ray into closet)

Ray: Not now. Fraser! Why are you wearing that? What the hell are you doing? Fraser! Fraser! Oh why do I always let him do this to me. Aw you're not even listening. What are you doing back there? Oh my god. Oh My God. You're not gonna put -- don't put that --

Ben: You're being unreasonable... Does it hurt?

Ray: Of course it hurts.

Fraser: I'm sorry. I'll move it.

Ray: All right...stop jerking it... be careful... Okay, go ahead.

Fraser: Ray, Ray, Ray...

Ray: You are soooo sensitive.

Ben: Ahhh. Oh dear.

Ray: It's gone Fraser.

Fraser: It's to be expected, Ray. I mean, as a man ages...

Ray: Hey there, you need a hand?

Ben: No, as you can see, I just need some time to recuperate. In the meantime, perhaps this will be of some assistance.

Ray: Put that down.

Fraser: It's a carrot.

Ray: All right, great. It's a carrot. Just drop it.

Fraser: Ray, Ray, don't get excited.

Ray: It depends on what you're planning. Why don't you let me do this for you? It'll be great...

Ben: You know you really don't have to do this.

Ray: Ahhh, trust me, I do...

Fraser: Mmmm.

Ray: Yeah, I figured you'd like that...

Fraser: Thank you.

Elaine (opening closet door): Hi

Fraser & Ray: Hi

Elaine: Am I disturbing you?

Fraser: No.

Ray: Yes, you are.

Elaine: Lieutenant needs to see you.

Ray: Don't move.

Fraser: I won't move.

Elaine: Can I ask you a personal question? Vecchio?

Fraser: Vecchio. (He pulls the closet door closed).

END